AH3 Run 2062
Saturday 21 Jan 2023
Aboyne to Tarland
Hares: - Hippo, Twizzle
and more importantly Mrs T.
Scribe: - OneLiner
For those of you who weren`t there, the day started behind the Station Hotel with 1 Bus sitting where there should have been 2 … … …
Who ordered 1 Bus?
Who ordered 2 buses?
Who accepted and processed an order for 1 Bus only?
The tapes will reveal all in about 30 years’ time.
And the film rights will no doubt be fought over for another 30.
Anyone need a half-way decent Lawyer? I don’t personally fit the mould, but I do know some. And Chris the driver sorted it out for us all in any event. Between fags.
Anyway … … after the relative hilarity of passing some groups of frozen hopefuls at thoughtfully staggered distances along the A93 , a sizable majority of the pack pitched up at Aboyne green . And we waited. And we waited. And we waited. Like your first lesson on Carving Ski`s. “We wait for the skis to turn us, yes? “
But the others soon turned up and as usual, all was ok in the end. In the meantime Little Shit had given a brief rendition of Father Abraham. Which warmed the cockles’ just fine. So thanks to LS for that. However, comments overheard by Scribe suggested a feeling that although this was a genuinely funny song up until about 2010, since then the shine appears to have gone off - for some. Same issue, allegedly with the Founders on Saturday night too. Comment was – “Climb Up Sunshine Mountain? It`s like a woman`s lady parts.” I think we know our way up there already! But don’t shoot the messenger. I`m only reporting what I overheard behind the bike-sheds of the jaded and the bitter. And the sexist.
LS may need to think about a new warm-up verse for the Ski-Hash, though? Now there’s a challenge! Better still that the complainers would do it. But they aren’t part of the crème which is AH3, so we`re on our own with that one. Just no more Bear Hunts. Please.
So, suitable re-invigorated and rescued from hypothermic coma, a Circle of sorts was constructed.
Pre-run DD s and haberdashery awarded to Cockatool for coming to AH3 once and being allowed back a further 149 times.
And for Tonto it was an always welcome 600.
Thence to a description of the Trail by the Hares.
Or was it? A nearly tearful Hippo, balefully reported the disturbing news that Hashing can be dangerous after all and the Risk Assessment Committee had concluded against proceeding on the original route.
But no extended worries for the pack, because Mrs T had thoughtfully outmanoeuvred her male counterparts and actually set a trail which could be completed without the requirement to subsequently wait for 16 hours outside A & E.
A relatively simple plan was hatched to Follow the Orange Flour from Aboyne to a bus (still 1) in the obvious vicinity of Tarland. So the future was bright and the future was Orange. Ignore the blue; on pain of multiple skeletal fractures and a slow and freezing death, was the instruction.
Only 2 initial problems arose:-
1. The Hares failed to mention that the blue flour was largely on the same trail as the Orange. Initial confusion was ultimately overcome with a cumulative “AHA!” moment; as one by one, we all worked out the script.
2. Just before the start, Teflon suffered the ignominy of being heard asking where Aboyne was. Where indeed, if not under her very feet? And if anyone had remembered at the end of the Trail, she may have received a relatively well deserved Down Down.
And me, Scribe- boy? Well I decided to step completely out of character, for a moment and be nice to a dog which was taking undue interest in my moving feet. Normally it would be something like “Get that fucking animal under control! This is a public place,you know! What if I was an old lady on a bike or a little child playing? ” It`s almost as though I`ve got a script already prepared in my head … Watzoff used to threaten to crush the skull of the offending pooch with a nearby rock from a dyke. But I`m only half the man he was.
Then, as it turned out, the owner of said ankle-biter told me he knew a Hasher from London by the name of Russell Smith and did I know him?
About 10 minutes later I was being roundly out-paced by The Myth when I eventually put 2 + 2 together. Got 3.
And so to the run itself. Turns out that Orange was actually the new Black Ice! But no matter. With no back checks or false trails and plenty of flour, this was probably a less frustrating effort than the blue route. Although Inspector Gorse was seen flirting with greatness at one point, it seems that even he couldn`t be bothered with slicing himself to death in the actual bush which gave him his name. So eventually he returned to the Orange Glow, a little bloodied, but still unbeaten.
Toy Boy Tom got undressed before the Cabin in the woods. I didn`t know why until we subsequently got to the set of “Deliverance”. Seems like he was just getting ready for the inevitable. But the guy in the compound full of Dobermans (Dobermen? Dobermi?) Was unusually hospitable in a different sort of manner. Pointed to the trail and showed me the way. Maybe it was just his way of saying “Ger orff moi Laaaaaand”?
Next up on trail was a very fancy Stable set up, next to a very unstable piece of path. I was sure that I had stumbled upon some sort of electric hill; - when running forwards actually resulted in sliding backwards. And being the man of action which I undoubtedly am (not) , did I take some sort of decisive , athletic , balletic action to save myself , just like 007 (or Underlay ) would? Did I buggery! When in doubt, crouch down, hide with your eyes closed and do nothing. I stopped. Fell over. And hirpled (yes it IS a word!) to the soft snow instead.
At this point, you`ll be wondering why so little mention of other Hashers. Well truth be told, the pack got a little strung out and some of us ended up jogging solo (not a euphemism, you dirty, dirty Hashers) when conditions permitted. And I didn`t see much beyond , The Myth , Underlay , Bambi and a small assortment of others; all of whom were left floundering in the wake of Ten Brulee and Prickly Bush , who quite rightly were keeping moving to avoid terminal muscle freeze.
The Sweetie Stop provided some welcome, brief relief and ultimately we all skidded back to the Bus; passing Sir doing a creditable No No on the way. And when we got there we found that our driver, Jesus Chris, had miraculously constructed not only a Pictish Stone Circle just above the parking area, but also a mid-20th Century Nuclear Bunker, just beyond it. And if that wasn’t enough, he had also summoned up a 2nd Bus for the journey back to Town. Loaves and Fishes and Wine into Water had nothing on this guy. Between Fags too.
And then it was back to that Carving lesson. We waited. And we waited. And we waited. But with the Glühwein and Beer on tap, and with a supply of crisps and nuts nearby, it wasn`t too great an imposition; except for the plummeting air temperature.
That plummeting air temperature did its thing with my fingers and the Scribe`s pen I was holding (err trying to hold), so the following is only a close approximation of who got Down Downs and why. I defy anyone to actually read what I wrote, forcing low temperature ink from a nib, using fingers as nimble as an Elephant`s foot.
Little Shit - no , not for his millionth Father Abraham, but for hatching a failed Plan to give so may Down Downs to Twizzle that said Twizzle would be incapacitated from doing his RA duties.
Some random Fallers – JC (I think), Fire Flaps, Inspector Gorse, Struth, Shite Boyfriend, Bin Liner and Search Party.
Fire Flaps (again) for setting up the Circle Beers on top of a shooglie (that`s a word too) Molehill.
Ballerina – incorrectly second guessing the Pub locations on the Red Dress Run.
Used to Be Nice - I think for some sort of graceful sliding over the icy trail. The Elephant Script was getting a bit out of hand here.
A little more Elephant Script in frozen ink shows Ice Breaker and someone named SlolTpgm involved in some shenanigans with underwear and lost property. Well that`s my best guess for now.
Then Ice Breaker and Toy Boy Tom, for various clothing indiscretions involving being both over-dressed and simultaneously under-dressed on trial: - Toy Boy Tom describing himself as being like a Russian Doll, in the process.
Search Party - successfully caught the 2nd bus exactly on time, by being precisely 1 hour late for the original pick-up.
Barbarella and Struth for problems with Beer and G&T respectively. Which problems are obscured by the Elephant Script! Of Course.
Shaky - can anyone translate “Bell night love” back from Elephant?
Tortoise, Tonto and The Myth – for starting all of this nonsense.
Little Shit for being the Hashiest Hasher in the Hashiverse created by Tortoise, Tonto and The Myth.
And finally THE HARES – thanks for a great effort in some very trying circumstances.
The Bus journey home was less eventful than the one on the way out. Many were so comatose that they didn’t notice. But we got a full commentary of a Bus Driver`s Life from Jesus Chris. Without fags.