Scribes 2020

Lockdown Virtual Trails

036 - Sun 29 Nov 2020 - Lake District - Hare & Scribe: Toy Boy Tom

Scribe Report for Lockdown Virtual Hash 36

When: 11:00 Sunday 29 November 2020

Where: Pass of Dunmail Raise, The Lake District

Hare: TBT

The opening Circle was on the central reservation of the road that runs through the Pass of Dunmail Raise. The stand-in GM, Not Dot, arrived promptly - at 11:01 - and welcomed everyone to the run. RA Aids awarded the Toilet Roll of Honour to Rats, with instructions on how to use it so he wouldn't damage his new bionic hip.

The Hare advised that the trail was laid, so as not to disfigure the beauty of the area, in handfuls of air - to which a Hasher asked: what colour?

At the first check, the Hare encouraged Hashers to say which way they were going to check. Not getting much response, he realised that this wasn't going to be an inter-active virtual Hash!

The Pack set off to the right up the slope beside the tumbling Raise Beck, and arrived at the still, glassy Grisdale Tarn. "Checking from here" the Hare cried: a retorical question, as it turned out!

The trail climbed up over Dollywaggon Pike to Helvellyn. From the top of Helvellyn, there were views all around, including towards the Sweetie Stop at the other end of Ullswater at Kendal. Mint cake of course. However, the Hare was a solitary figure at the top. Where was the Pack? Scrambling up Striding Edge to re-join the trail.

But where did the trail go next? There were many ridges down. On-On! was called down towards Thirlmere. Down the hill and, after a simple 8 mile scamper, the Pack arrived at Grasmere. Mutterings of "it must be time for the Beer Stop" sent the Pack looking for beer in Rydal Cave. Not in here. Along the track to above Rydal Water - and look, below: Hashers by the water's edge - that must be the Beer Stop. A notice warned "Badger feeding area - keep dogs away"!

On the to Closing Circle, where some of the Hashers looked a bit stone faced. A down-down was given to Rats for his bionic hip. "When one bionic hippy drinks, all bionic hippies drink", so he was joined by Thrupennies and Aids. The Hare, inspired by the sight of Rydal Water, fondly recounted that he used to walk past Rydal on his way to the station to go to junior school. And then droned on about the road names in the part of the estate built by house builder J. Laing were named after parts of the Lake District, from where the company had originated. Dunmail Drive included.

At this point the Hare was hit by an empty beer can, and the Hare was brought back from deepest south London to the Lake District. The Circle was finished, appropriately, by gazing at a waterfall through the window of The Grott of Rydal Hall, as Wordsworth and fellow artistic types had done when he'd lived there. What other way was there to end the Circle other than with a rendition of Wordsworth's famous poem: "I wandered as lonely as a cloud".

On! On!

TBT

035 - Sun 22 Nov 2020 - Argentina - Hare & Scribe: Not Dot & Biggles

LOCKDOWN VIRTUAL HASH #35: ARGENTINIAN ADVENTURE

22ND NOVEMBER 2020

HARES/ SCRIBE: NOT DOT AND BIGGLES

The meet point was in La Boca in Buenos Aires, safe enough at 11am. When the hares arrived, Thrupennies was already there waiting impatiently for the start. Shit Boyfriend had found a nearby coffee shop.

Stand-in RA Shaky awarded the toilet roll of honour to Barbarella for disappearing in the wrong direction at the start of this weeks FOOFAAH, he claimed it was to take a photo.

The pack set off through Puerto Madero to the airport, managing to avoid the temptations of the many bars along the river Plate. We flew in to Bariloche, in the Argentinian Lake District, to run around some beautiful scenery before getting soaked bouncing around in rafts along the rapids. Then on on to the very hot vineyards of Mendoza for the welcome wine stop- large Malbecs for 18 please!

We managed a wardrobe adjustment into warm Hash jumpers, woolly shorts and toories on the flight down south to cold and windy El Chalten. At the sweetie check on the rocky steep path up Mount Fitzroy, we sent our tallest hasher Tonto to fight off the condors.

We formed a human chain to try to hold back the mighty Perito Moreno glacier in El Calafate, but nobody could do a King Canute, so we went to the pub instead. At the next check, on on was called on a bus going to Puerto Natales in Chile. Wait for us! JC and Fifi just made it.

From Peurto Natales we trekked/ zoomed/ walked and talked around the spectacular geology of the Torres del Paine. A puma and some rheas and guanacos joined in the southernmost ‘Climbing up Sunshine Mountain’ on the planet. Then on on to a very well deserved on inn at the southernmost distillery ‘Last Hope’ complete with lashings of cocoa mulled wine, beer, whisky, and gin and tonics. Food’s for softies!

On On

Not Dot

034 - Sun 15 Nov 2020 - Georgia - Hare & Scribe: Panty Pockets

SCRIBE – VIRTUAL HASH #34 Sunday 15 Nov 2020– GEORGIA

Forgetting who received the toilet roll of honour (our esteemed RA usually plans to bestow it on a missing Hasher!!) most of the select zoom group on Sunday morning managed to successfully fly into Tblisi. Thruppenny however went in completely the wrong direction back to Chile before jetting halfway around the world to self-isolate in Tblisi for the remainder of the Hash. Pink Panther, having read the blurb, arrived early to grab the best camping spot in Vashlovani.

The rest of us had a few hours to explore the city delights including hiking up the cliffs on the southern side of the valley for a stupedous view in which the old town, modern parliament, futuristic bridge and massive cathedral could easily be seen, even by the visually challenged, with Shit Boyfriend sniffing out some of the many cafes serving amazing cakes.

The pack then bussed south eastwards to the impressive sandstone ridge on the border with Azerbaijan, site of the David Garegi monastery cave complex started in the 6th Century. The trail along the southern flanks gives access to many of the hermits’ caves, where adventurous Hashers could discern ancient frescos. Back in the bus to rejoin Pink Panther & the Tblisi HHH camping in the far eastern limestone badlands of Vashlovani NP where the trail wended along scrubland ridges & dry river beds, FRBs taking care not to get arrested for straying into Azebaijan.

Tblisi HHH’s sturdy bus then took us all northwards to another campsite at the entrance to a stunning valley in the northeast Caucasus. Many AH3 Hashers were enticed into following the bright pink shorts embroidered with ‘Paradise’ on the perky buttocks of a lissom Tblisi Harriet up the challenging trail along the gushing mountain stream. A sudden thunderstorm almost washed away all the flimsy tents, leaving BagOBone’s ancient little Millets ridgetent unscathed. Fortunately, the sun reappeared to dry everything off while many beers refreshed & cheered all round the campfire.

We then drove up the only road leading northward to the Roki tunnel through the high Caucasus into Russia. This military road was built using forced labour, cemeteries along the way testament to the number of German POWs used in the construction. We stopped at the last settlement of Kasbegi and Hashed up the hill to the picturesque Gergeti Trinity Church, a popular place of pilgrimage.

Our final destination was Mestia, a magical hidden valley hidden high in the northwestern Caucasus. To avoid a 2-day drive we splashed out on a chartered small plane to the tiny airstrip accessible only in clement weather. The great Hash Gisbet in the sky smiled on us and we were able to Hash through the settlements with their distinctive defensive towers, amongst the upland pastures, over rickety suspension bridges, to view one of the many glaciers tumbling down from the craggy peaks.

Back in Tblisi, exhausted Hashers were able to luxuriate and ease aching limbs in the healing powers of the wonderful natural thermal baths, before circling up to sample more of the local beers such as Natakhtari & Argo, and quaffing local red wines to wash down the tasty filling khinkali (meat dumplings) and khachapuri (cheesy pies – much loved by Bag O Bones).

On On

Panty Pockets


033 - Sun 08 Nov 2020 - Torres del Paine National Park, Chile - Hare & Scribe: Aids

Torres del Paine National Park, Chile – Lockdown Hash #33, 8 th Nov 2020

Well – great day for it! Blue skies and winds below 40mph. Most folk managed to make it to Puerto Natales before the bus left - though quite a few with sore heads only just made it after celebrating Joe’s victory late into the night. By the way (to use Glasgow parlance) did you know that Joe Biden is really a cyborg who has been sent back from the future to save the world from the annihilation that would result from a second Trump term! There is also news that a secret international force of hashers and harriettes has been formed into a suicide squad to combat the zombie apocalypse army that Trump has been amassing in tunnels beneath Central Park and that he intends to unleash against the world unless the Scottish Government and Aberdeenshire Council grant him sanctuary and immunity from prosecution (on any grounds whatsoever) on his Menie Estate in perpetuity! You read it here first!

The hare was somewhat put out as it appears that Thrupennies had decided to do the trail early and had come down to Patagonia several days beforehand on a photo shoot (no doubt helped by SB’s recent acquisition of superior photographic equipment) to take better photos than those the hare had to share – Bitch!

Anyway – we piled onto the bus and headed for Cerro Castillo Cafeteria and Souvenirs shop, where we picked up Glasgow, Sir Deadmund, Biggles and Not Dot who had come in via Argentina. Slightly longer stop than planned as we had to extract Olmyprick from the bar where he was onto his second bottle of Malbec and Nummers who had fallen asleep on a bench outside in the sunshine.

On-on to the start of the trail at the Lago Sarmiento entrance to the Park with an obligatory stop for photos with the Guanacos (not as hairy as Hippo but smellier).

The uphill trail was a bit of a challenge for some and so there were a few who just decided to stay on the bus (you know who you are!!) – however all decide it was worth it for the stunning views and the chance to get even closer to the Guanacos (again you know who you are!).

Then it was an easy jog downhill to the Laguna Amarga entrance to the park and back onto the bus before heading to the Nordenskjold Lake viewpoint for more photos and onto lunch at the Villa Serrrano – empanadas and Pisco sours all round. A few down-downs and a bit of a circle before heading back to Puerto Natales via Cerro Castillo with a stop at Salto Grande waterfall for more photos before leaving the park.

Most of the pack managed to make it back to Scotland before curfew and another lockdown!

So a good day out for all and apparently those who stayed behind in Aberdeen had the good fortune to try a cracking Foofahh trail (quite the adventure I’m led to believe so sorry I missed it!).

On-on Aids

032 - Sun 01 Nov 2020 - ?? - Hare & Scribe: ??


031 - Sun 27 Oct 2020 - Crete - Hare & Scribe: Shite Boyfriend

Lockdown Scribe 31 from SBF (via his PA), Crete.

Good turn out for the 🏃‍♂️ on the Akrotiri peninsular. I’m sure I could have posted more photos of the run site had I been able to find them on iCloud, seems I’m not as tech savvy as I thought I was. Never mind some nice sites on the run with the two monasteries, Stavros, Chania harbour. Oh, and not forgetting the Cretan goddess with her purple shawl !

For anyone thinking of Crete as a destination for running walking you would not be disappointed. For the best ten gorge walks/runs take a look at the link below

https://creti.co/blog/top-10-crete-gorges/

Seems the GM once again picked on T-bits and myself for the toilet roll of honour. A timely reminder to keep my mouth shut in future when bumping into him and Cinders at Hazlehead Park. Had something to do with Pineapple is all I choose to remember !

Not Dot mention that her and Biggles spent their honeymoon in Chania. Many happy memories I should imagine, if indeed they can remember that far back !

Hopefully some of you will make it over there sometime and enjoy the local sites, walks/runs, culture and history !

OnOn

Hare SBF


029 - Sun 11 Oct 2020 - - Hare & Scribe:


028 - Sun 04 Oct 2020 - Bhutan - Hare & Scribe: Pink Panther

LOCK DOWN HASH #28 4 TH OCTOBER 2020 ON ON: BHUTAN

After long flights from Aberdeen to London to Kathmandu and then onto Paro, the hash finally arrived in the small kingdom of Bhutan. Mind you, not everyone made the last flight to Paro, having been distracted by the delights of Kathmandu and only turned up later for the On Inn (Olymprick and Bruce Almighty) and Rats was never seen again after he decided to stay in Kathmandu when he discovered that smoking is illegal in Bhutan.

There was some necessary changes of clothing by certain hashers (who shall remain nameless to save their blushes) after our scary landing at one of the world’s most dangerous airports, only 8 pilots are allowed to land at the very short runway, after taking a sharp left hand turn between the surrounding 18000 feet high mountains. We were met at the airport by the Thimphu Hash and boarded our boogie bus to the capital Thimphu for the start of the run.

The hare Pink Panther was keen to get started but our illustrious GM Wee Willie was a bit tardy in starting the hash due to the fascinating discussions on pensions and Shell shares…..

RA Aids (our resident monk) eventually managed to get the GM to shut up and awarded the Toilet Roll of Honour to Nummers, for reasons that I can’t remember – must be the altitude affecting my memory……..

  • Not Dot and Biggles were resplendent in their Bhutanese styled headgear whilst

  • Panty Pockets held onto her handbag tightly as she didn’t want the authorities to discover her (illegal) cigarettes.

  • Thruppeny Bits had clearly been checking out the run earlier and had found the gorgeous Dhzong at Punakha.

However, we called her back and On On was called by the hare. As is always the case with Pink Panther, the trail was marked in pink flour along the beautiful Paro valley. The usual front runners headed off at high speed, but soon slowed down when the altitude hit them. The trail meandered along the valley floor, giving the pack ample opportunity to see all the beautifully decorated houses with their giant penises painted on the walls. Our male hashers didn’t seem to be too intimidated by this…..

On past paddy fields, barking dogs, children running around, and people toiling in the fields. Across a raging river on a rickety bridge, the pack was startled to see a vast expanse of red chillies drying on a field – the Bhutanese eat a lot of chillies! 1.5 to 2kg for a family of 4 for a week.

Tonto disappeared for a while behind some strange looking ruin but soon re-appeared when the trail started to go up, up and up towards the stunning Taktshang (Tigers Nest) monastery, up at the top of a 800 metre granite cliff which made the AH3 feel right at home.

Shit Boyfriend was never seen again after the trail passed by a local coffee house tho’ Thrupennie Bits didn’t seem too perturbed, as she was too busy studying the local artwork on the houses along the trail. One Liner and Skinny Witch were busy eyeing up all the very tall trees on the trail, wondering just how much money it was gonna cost to chop them all down..

Meanwhile,

  • Tiger Feet was trying to spot his namesake and avoid the busy bees along the route, Shaky was more interested in checking out the local dress shop in search of more fancy dress options and was trying to get Sergio to at least buy one new thing!

  • T Rex Cock was still eating his breakfast whilst

  • Drillbit was struggling to get his ebike over one of the very shaky bridges.

  • Barbarella charged past everyone at high speed but still managed to pick up some new hashers on the way, funnily enough, all pretty young girls.

  • Twizzle and Tonto decided that the route up to the Tigers Nest was only suitable for sisses so headed off to conquer Jomolhari, the 3rd highest peak in Bhutan. S’later we all cried but they didn’t understand the local lingo…..

Meanwhile the hare had given up trying to marshal the pack and had wandered off the trail after hearing that her hero, the 4th King Jigme Singye WANGCHUCK was in the vicinity – having heard that he was so clever that he had 4 wives, but only one mother-in-law, she wanted to find out if there was a vacancy for another wife………but sadly not. Still his Gross National Happiness Index made up for it…. ;-)

Finally after a long slog up and up, the pack finally arrived at the stunning Taktshang (Tigers Nest) spiritual home of Buddhism in Bhutan. After admiring the view and taking lots of photos, the pack headed back down, down, down to the valley floor and into a local bar for some sorely needed refreshments. Some brave souls even tried the local dish of chillies and cheese tho’ they seemed to need a LOT of beer very soon afterwards.

Once Tonto and Twizzle had re-appeared, the pack went off to join one of Bhutan’s fire and fertility festivals and partook of the national sport of archery, along with drinking and naked dancing. The flights back were a bit quiet funnily enough……..

On On

Pink Panther

Hare and Scribe

027 - Sun 27 Sep 2020 - - Hare & Scribe:


026 - Sun 20 Sep 2010 - St John’s Newfoundland - Hare & Scribe: Shaky

AH3 Virtual Run #26,

20th September, 2020

St John’s Newfoundland

Hare and Scribe - Shaky ===============================================================================

The smallest pack for a while was welcomed by Joint Mattress CINDERS, standing in for GM WEE WILLIE , who had not managed to get a flight to St John’s preferring instead to see the sights of London while it is tourist free. The run marked ½ a year of virtual hashing!

There because of a sense of duty or at least because it went with the job, Cinders admitted she would rather be quaffing Nescafe and reading what the papers said than chairing circles on camera.

PINK PANTHER had mastered the gadgetry of Zoom to appear with a virtual Moose head and BARBERELLA appeared on TV in a separate virtual reality. RATS had dressed as a lumberjack but never let on if he was wearing suspenders and high heels. TIGER FEET dressed as a typical Newfoundlander. i.e. normally.

There were no announcements other than that Wee Willie would be away again next week which means that Cinder’s Sunday Morning coffee and perusing of the Sunday broadsheets would be inconvenienced once again. RATS volunteered to be next week’s hare; it only seems like yesterday that we were in Whitehaven. In fact, a lot of the pack are still to return from that run - lost down the pit perhaps or still in the bar in St. Bees?

Hare SHAKY welcomed us to The Rock as the locals call what those from away know as Newfoundland. The Hare regaled us with a lengthy but fascinating history of St John’s and Newfoundland, some of it horrible, some of it not so and some of it strikingly familiar. While interesting, there are more important things to write about, so that history has been relegated to the appendices, (I missed the dustbin).

Pastor AIDS awarded the toilet roll of honour to ONE LINER for his excellent write up of last week’s run which was well above par, much like One Liner’s golf game we are led to believe by him although SKINNY WITCH did claim he is a sandbagger - a synonym for lawyer apparently. This week’s scribe is cunningly designed to be sufficiently mediocre to let someone else other than the scribe earn that honour.

The hare introduced the run by telling us of things we would not see on the run. The Harriettes present were most disappointed that the town of Dildo (it’s a real place - honest) would not be on “trail, although this might account for some noticeable absences from the pre-run circle; no time like the present to prepare for the inevitable lockdown part 2 - Eh? (as they say north of the 49th parallel or is that the 51st State?). Also, we were unlikely to see, polar bears whales or puffins or the Hare and his better half paddling a canoe.

Joint Mattress left abruptly to head off on trail or possibly finish her coffee and read the papers. Did she really ask where her clicky pen was and tell AIDS to get the door when she was leaving?

The pack set off on tarmac from the lakeside and soon came to the first check. Uphill (where else) went the trail to the start of the unpaved Ladies walking trail on the north side of Signal Hill and then on to the North Head trail overlooking the Narrows and Fort Amhurst. We passed the monumental Cabot Tower before heading down the southside of the hill and through the picture postcard houses ` that align The Battery after negotiating the wooden steps that have been built into the face of the hill.

At sea level again, the trail headed north after reaching the Terry Fox monument by the harbour and through Bannerman park, past the Colonial Building, to the western edge of Quidi Vidi lake. A long on-inn along the southern shore of the lake led back to the Brewery where BRUCE ALMIGHTY was already waiting for us – truth be told, he’d never left.

A few of the pack did not make it back to the circle. Apparently TREX and SHERLOCK had a stand-off with a moose. THRUPPENIES had rushed off to Dildo muttering something about SHITE BOYFRIEND and PANTY POCKETS wandered down Duckworth Street to check out the souvenir shops. SIR DEADMUND was last seen floating away on an iceberg that his GPS gadget had led him onto by mistake. RED STRIPE made a late appearance having camped out in Gros Morne National Park the night before. ICEBREAKER had been called into action to clear the harbour.

The hare received a post run down-down and the pack retired into the brewery for beer and sustenance including cod’s tongues and seal flipper pie. The more adventurous joined the ranks of honorary Newfoundlanders and were screeched in and kissed the cod.

Shaky

==================================================================================

THE HORRIBLE AND NOT SO HORRIBLE HISTORY OF ST JOHN’S AND NEWFOUNDLAND

➢ St John’s is almost the furthest east point in North America, that honour goes to Cape Spear a few miles south.

➢ In 1901 Guglielmo Marconi received the first transatlantic radio signal on the top of Signal Hill, which overlooks the city

➢ in 1919, Alcock and Brown made the first non-stop transatlantic flight, starting in St. Johns.

➢ Norseman Leif Erikson landed on the island in the 11th century. The only confirmed Viking settlement in North America is L’Anxe Meadows on the far northern tip of the island.

➢ The Boethuk indigenous people, who settled on the island after the Vikings, became extinct after exposure to infectious diseases that later Europeans brought with them.

➢ In 1497, John Cabot was the first European to sail into St John’s Harbour, but it wasn’t until 1583 that Humphrey Gilbert claimed Newfoundland as Britain’s first overseas colony. Colonisation started here! Nothing happened very quickly after that though because he died on the return voyage

➢ After Cabot’s arrival, it become the go to place for French, Spanish, Portuguese, and British migratory fishermen to plunder the fishing grounds. The city of St John’s finally started to be built in 1630 after decades of the UK government being pressured by Dorset fishermen, who controlled the east coast fishing grounds, not to build any permanent settlements

➢ Newfoundland remained a colony until it became a self-governing Dominion in 1907. It became part of Canada in 1949 after a disputed second referendum by a vote of 52% to 48%!

➢ Once built, St John’s was attacked multiple times. Twice by the Dutch in the 1660’s and then attacked and burnt down by the French in 1705 and 1708 and attacked again in 1762

➢ St John’s was destroyed by fire 5 times in the 1800s.The great fire of 1846 saw 2000 buildings destroyed. It was caused by a glue pot boiling over and destroyed everything in its path aided ` by the large quantities of seal oil stored by merchants and a botched attempt to blow up a house, to contain the fire, that spread even more embers across the city. The last great fire in 1892, caused by a dropped smoking pipe, destroyed the city again and led to the creation of a permanent fire brigade with paid firemen

➢ Famously, the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank some 500km of the coast with the loss of around 1500 lives. Bad weather also caused the Ocean Ranger drilling rig to capsize and sink off the coast of Newfoundland with the loss of 82 lives. Waves crashed through a broken port hole in the ballast control room and caused an electrical failure of the ballast system

➢ Between 1954 and 1972, over 300 communities that lived in the outports, inaccessible fishing villages that could typically only be accessed by boat or on foot, were resettled to larger population centres as part of a government backed program. Some even took their houses with them. This practice still goes on today but now 90% of a community needs to vote to leave before the government steps in - then they cut off all services including electricity to force the holdouts to leave as well. Each household receives $270,00 as an inducement though.

025 - Sun 13 Sep 2020 - Fuengirola - Hare & Scribe: One Liner & Skinny Witch

AH3 Lockdown Hash Number 25

FUENGIROLA , COSTA DEL SOL

Hare :- OneLiner and Skinny Witch

Well when we say that Skinny Witch was a Hare , the golf-centric nature of this outing did actually relegate her to the role of Caddy . The best thing she knows about the “sport” is that it provides her with some much needed respite at home from her super-annoying husband – for HOURS on end . So secretly , she`s actually a big fan !

Led on the expedition by our non-hashing mate Adrian Knight , the light hearted tone of the weekend was perfectly set for us , when we rocked up to Hotel Pyr to check in the night before the run . There, the ever smiling desk manager said to us in his heavily accented English lilt :-

“Ah . Meester Addrianne Kineet . Welcome to you and your party ! “

What a perfect start.

Then , marvelling at having been pitched on to a real life version of the set of “Benidorm” , the hilarity continued .

Panty Pockets nipped out to buy some fluid for her Vape and reported back with all due seriousness , that in the space of a mere 40 metre walk from Hotel door to baccy Kiosk she had been offered

1. Cannabis

2. Sex.

3. “Other” Sex

4. A Hookah Pipe party.

5. Heroin; and

6. A washing machine !

Classic street life here on the Costa Del Sol .

Waking up next day with the obligatory hangover after first night holiday festivities , the assembled pack set out to make their way through the by now deserted Urbanization . Target destination ( avoiding all the scraggy stray dogs and one eyed cats on the way) was around the edges of the Chapparal Golf course , just outside town . A forest set in the idyllic Protected Landscape between the Med on one side and the high Cala Hills on the other. Perfect.

Toilet Roll of Honour was awarded to Numbskull . But he was not the only numbskull on the day . Because your dear Hare didn`t make a note and has already forgotten why.

So , on to the run . Well obviously , being at a golf course , we abandoned the run immediately , realising that if we kept up with the group in front and allowed only 5 minutes searching time for each lost ball (oo-er missus !) , we could have 9 holes all knocked off in about 90 minutes.

So here`s how it all went down:-

1. HOYO UNO

OneLiner , after a lifetime of utter terror at the first tee , took a deep breath and agreed to man up at last and just bloody lead off like he was supposed to do all along . But watching his “drive” trickle off the peg and asthmatically crawl along the ground , failing to even reach the ladies teeing ground ahead , he proved without doubt that the last 20 years of first tee nerves have been fairly firmly grounded in an equally firm grasp of golfing reality.

2. HOYO DOS

Tiger Feet shows us how it`s done , crushing his drive 265 yards to within 6 feet of the flag . And then 3 putting the final 2 metres . That`s golf … … …

3. HOYO TRES

Almost reaching the green in regulation (that`s 2 shots on a par 4). Wee Willie was faced with the enduring golfers dilemma as to whether to chip or pitch the next shot . So caught in 2 minds , he did neither. Making barely as much contact as OneLiner had done at Uno , he advanced the unfortunate little ball a mere 5cm or so ; before next time slashing at it in such frustration that his follow-up shot soared 100 metres into the bone -dry thorny scrub behind the green. Watch out for the snakes .

4. HOYO CUATRO

Not Dot and Biggles surprise their group partners by introducing an entirely new meaning to the golfing term “sand play” . Luckily it`s a quiet morning on the course , so the Mariscal De Campo De Golf was spared the ignominy of having to retrieve 2 breathless British pensioners from a particularly deep fairway bunker.

5. HOYO CINCO

With her trademark languid style , Pink Panther grabs a birdie at this relatively easy (for some) par 3 . Surprising us all by fluffing her tee shot on what is frankly quite a simple green to reach in 1 , PP then smacks us all in the collective gob , by floating an immaculately measured high pitch , directly into the hole from 40 yards out . Remarkable !

6. HOYO SEIS

A somewhat scratched and dishevelled Wee Willie , trots breathlessly up to his playing partners in utter delight , displaying the QPR logo`d golf ball which he had found in a dry ditch while trying to retrieve his own innocent victim from the back of Hoyo Tres. Sergio then shows that it`s not only the ladies who have the magic touch close to the greens ;- scuttling in a low running chip from 70 yards. Pity we all noticed the following 2 things .

1. It was otherwise a full pitch which instead caught the ball thinly , thrusting it forward (on fire !) towards the green at a highly risky rate of knots.

2. If it hadn`t hit the flagstick and got a hugely lucky bounce 90 degrees down and straight into the hoyo , it would otherwise have carried on uninterrupted, all the way to the tee at

7. HOYO SIETE

Shaky sets the pace here . While all of his playing partners panick at this monstrously long Par 5 . Shaky retains control of his swing . Striking a sweet drive just down the right side of the course , when everyone else had tried route 1 straight in the direction of the flag, Shaky beams with pride as he just catches the back side of the slope on that side and watches his ball take off for a further 70 yards of un-earned forward progress. A neatly executed 3 wood off the turf ( we all know how tricky that is) , then sees him on the green several shots ahead of his less cerebral mates . And when they eventually make it up to join him on the dance floor , Shaky stays calm under pressure; draining a longish putt to within 2 feet and tapping in for what had seemed like an unlikely birdie at the start of the day.

8. HOYO OCTO

By now , the morning sun had risen pretty high in the sky , so we agreed to keep things going with a Texas Scramble at this hoyo only . Thruppenies and Mr Bugger All showed us how it was done . In a rare moment of family unity they combined the strength of Bugger All`s driving , with the deft touch of Thruppenies high floating pitch (in the style of Pink Panther , albeit not straight into the hole). Then 1 careful putt each saw this tricky par 4 done in 4 , while all other groups around could only do it in 5 (at best).

9. HOYO NUEVE

At this point Aids and T-Rex realised that they actually shared the lead !! And if only 1 of them could keep their head at this last hoyo , they would walk away with the honours . Both of course pretended that they were friends and didn`t really mind who won . But the stoney faced concentration which accompanied each drive , told a completely different story . So ;- too tense in the face of impending glory , both protagonists proceeded to strike not one , not two , but THREE balls each out of bounds to plummet themselves back down the leader board into complete and utter ignominy . Leaving the way open for the utterly delighted Barbarella to sweep in with a nice long putt at the last to claim a somewhat unlikely Championship win .

Back at the Pyr , post run , much hilarity was had in recounting the events of the day , drink by drink, while surrounded once again by the entire doppleganger cast of Benidorm . No down downs were required , because by then we were all quite shit-faced anyway.

Epilogue

NONE of the above bears any resemblance to OneLiner`s real- life golfing experiences and names have been changed to protect the innocent . OneLiner does not have a QPR Ball in his bag . Nor has he ever watched open mouthed with furious envy as his playing partner has floated one straight into the hole from 40 yards out. And neither has he stood on the last ; tied with a “friend” for the honours , only for both him and his friend to each lose 3 off the tee and call it a thoroughly dishonourable draw.

No , none of that has ever happened . It`s just too fanciful to imagine .

On On.

OneLiner


024 - Sun 06 Sep 2020 - Hart van Drenthe, NL - Hare & Scribe: Wee Willie

Greetings Hashers,

Good to see that you all got back safely from NL; I'm sure you all want to know what we all did on the day, so here goes...

We're all very grateful for our translator and Dutch hasher De Hertogin (aka Duchess). Of course most of her time was spent keeping Domkop on the straight and narrow, and she mostly succeeded. Missing from the pack was our other almost Nederlander, Schots Nationaal Maaltijd (Haggisimo), rumour has it that he never made it out of bed.

Kleine Willi welcomed all to NL, regaling all with the wonders of hashing in Drenthe after four years with Assen Hash House Harriers in the early 2000s. His role as GM was so effective that the hash no longer exists. Most made it from the hotel to the OnOn, notable exceptions being Grote Dinosaurus Haan and Almachtige Bruce. They had been warned about the excellent selection of Belgian ales, and like the GM had overimbided on Leffe (6.6%).

Some-one got the pre-run toilet roll of honour from our RA Seksuele Ziekte (Aids), but I haven't a clue who. Definitely wasn't Koningen van de Melkweg (Barbarella), though it should have been, as he had missed the hash to canoe through the Great Glen. Lots of excitement in the pack with the quality of hashing terrain in NL, first ones off and lost were Oorlogsheld (Biggles) & Onstabiel (Shaky), all we could hear was their plaintive cries of 'OnOn' and 'Lost Trail' way into the distance. GM wasn't too far behind (amazing the power of the pen, obviously a made-up line due to his dodgy knee). Geen Punt (Not Dot) and Een Lijntoestel (One Liner) took getting lost to another level, getting a taxi back from Germany after an extra long backcheck.

Some significant meandering going on at the back of the pack, with Roze Panter (PP), Drie Pence Stukjes (Thrupenny Bits) solving the world's problems (and there are a few). Broekzakjes (Panty Pockets) showed them how it should be done, taking over from Koningen van de Melkweg as hash short-cutting expert.

Boorbit (Drillbit) was as cheery as usual on his bike, how he managed to smuggle that on the flight from Aberdeen nobody knows.

Jezus Christus Onze Heer (JC), Derk Vogel (Sergio), Tijgervoeten (Tigerfeet) got very excited when they found a real Dutch hill, all of 6m above sea level. That made it even more likely that they would also find some real shiggy, such a shame we didn't have Haan Werktuig (Cockatool) with us to share it around- he was last heard of hashing around Berwick upon Tweed..

Again, who knows who got DDs in the circle, your scribe was definitely not paying attention. But more importantly I do remember that we all went to the OnInn, and enjoyed the culinary delights of Scottish food in NL. Definitely a four-star menu in 'Het Wapen van Scotland'- particularly enjoyed by Magere Heks (Skinny Witch) and Broodmager (Bag O Bones).

So, OnOn back to Bonny Scotland, before we head off to Fuengirola to run round the Costa del Sol next week courtesy of Magere Heks and Een Lijntoestel.

OnOn

Kleine Willi


023 - Sun 30 Aug 2020 - Whitehaven - Hare& Scribe: Rats

PHEW !!!! All participants checked out of caravan site / hotel ahead of checkout time, no damages reported and got all deposits returned. Impressive given number of hangovers though Cumberland sausage butties and full sugar Vimto for breakfast probably helped.

Brief synopsis from what I vaguely remember....

Great pre 2000th party on Saturday night at St Bees fuelled by real ale Jennings Bitter (personally can’t stand stuff and stuck to Heineken lager). Had to explain glowing lights were not the Aurora Borealis just the glow from Windscale augmented by semi radiated stones / seaweed on beach....

Pack assembled for the 2000th On On, slight whiffs in the air resulting from split peas and black pudding in the Cumberland Hot Pot, or maybe the mushy peas ??? Significant number of pack had clearly come straight from a buckshee night shift down the pit. How got past the tally man to get in the pit cage after drinking at party have not got a clue....

Our RA, Rev Aids awarded toilet roll of honour to Not Dot ... primarily as being only founder member present from January 1983, and being a drilling engineer with all 10 fingers.

Interesting debate if One Liner and Bruce Almighty had “real jobs”

Sir Deadmund told a horrible history about John Paul Jones ( a Scotsman working for America ) invading Whitehaven in 1778 ( definitely used some some poetic Liscence ) apparently would have been more successful if sailors had not gone to pub on landing trying to trap with some local girls. Also showed a picture of Rats as a very angelic choir boy......

The hare Rats advised trail was marked with coal, taking in sea cliff, bird sanctuary at Fleswick Bay, St Bees Lighthouse, Closed down Haig Pit arriving at the Whitehaven Marina and the On On at Weatherspoons - at £2.50 a pint seemed suitable for “frugal Scots”

Was amused when barmaids asked hashers “are you speaking Scotch ?”

“What kind of money is this ?”

Met a Marra of mine’s who had not seen for a while, (marra is Cumbrian for mate / buddy). Asked if was interested in an upcoming job building a big wall south of Gretna that had machine gun towers facing North ..... I declined

After suitable refreshments and comparing notes with locals on friendliness of Cumberland Herdwicks versus Aberdonian sheep the coaches arrived to take pack back to St Bees.

Excellent 2000th Bash. Guest Speaker Arthur Scargill reminisced about how tough coal mining was but had allowed him to own a £2m flat in The Barbican and £600k of property in Yorkshire (FFS must own half of the county !!!)

Eskdale Fox hunt turned up with hounds and did a great entertainer turn on hunting horns, plus a stirring refrain of John Peel. Some BLM protestors who could not afford bus ticket to London sang negro spirituals, followed by rousing sea shanties from local fishermen which went down well, singing completed by local public school choir of Land of Hope and Glory, plus Jerusalem with our GM Wee Willie volunteering to help them out 👍

Icebreakers band declined gig as fee offered by Hash Mismanagement not up to expectation.....

Great news was a local band with strange facial looks, and excellent banjo skills ( helped by 6 fingers on each hand) ...... did a great job to keep the party going on into the “wee hours””. Fortunately no Klypes reported AH3 for breaking “guidance” on mass gathering. Probably ethos from coal mining “once a scab always a scab” , “once a Klype always a Klype”

Ps virtual Twerking from Flaps impressive (almost pornographic) , Clog Dancing efforts of all pack even more impressive.

PMT analysis

Positive:

Great scenery , great people, music , food and booze, Bert has got a job, Flaps a candidate for 2020 BOTY 2020

Negative:

Farts at Circle

Berts job not down the pit

Thought Provoking:

To be advised after radiation monitoring results of Pack known....

On On

Without prejudice

Rats


022 - Sun 23 Aug 2020 - Fiji - Hare & Scribe: Aids

Bula!

Well the usual motley crew managed to make it over to SUVA for AH3 LD 22 with Suva H3 where it was

very warm and sunny – unlike Aberdeen where it most definitely wasn’t! Most seem to have made the

journey without too much mishap though apparently Nummers went east rather than west then put his

watch backwards rather than forwards and arrived the day before he left. Thinking he had a day to spare

he went for a kip under a palm tree but fortunately Fireflaps came across him and dragged him into the

circle in time – though we didn’t seem him again so presume he must have gone for another kip.

There was a variety of interpretations on what was appropriate wear for a run in FIJI. Shaky had

obviously got to the bottom of his dressing up box as he just plumped for a nice shirt with palm trees on

it. Thrupennies stopped off at the florists, Rats was doing a Rambo impression and Pink Panther had

ZOOM pirate hat and eye-patch that seemingly, and rather eerily, moved about of their own accord.

Panty Pockets decided to forgo the run and just get in the sea for a bit of a snorkel but at least T-Rex had

managed to get dressed, though was still eating his breakfast when Ratu Willie called the circle to order.

Sir Deadmund regaled us with an ‘orrible Fijian history - complete with slide presentation, We learnt

that the Brits had bought in indentured labour from India to work on the sugar cane plantations and

they now make up more than 40% of the population - as a consequence there have been four military

coups since independence as the Fijians want to retain control over the land. He also told us that the

Crown of Thorns starfish is eating up all the reefs (as it is elsewhere) – shame as the diving used to be

amazing! He finished by promising us a trip to the grave of a Fijian who is said to have eaten bits of a

thousand of his foes back in the day when cannibalism was what you did to those you defeated in battle

– though apparently they also ate a few of the first missionaries who tried to teach them the error of

their ways.

Toilet roll of honour went to Mrs T as a result of her letting the captain of our rugby team Hippo piss off

on a canoeing trip with his mate Tonto. So the promised game of Sevens was off - shame really as I was

sooooo looking forward to get pummelled to bits in a ruck by a bunch of enormous Fijians.

So over to the hare Aids who completely ballsed up his attempt at sharing some pictures of Suva and all

the wonderful experiences we were there to enjoy! On-On

An hour and a bit later we re-convened for the circle, covered in mud and mossie bites but swilling back

lovely cold Fiji Bitter. Bruce Almighty joined us having sensibly just stayed at the On-On drinking from his

prized FIJI Interhash mug.

Down-Downs went to:

T-rex Cock for falling asleep after breakfast and annoying T-Rex Hen with his snoring. Never left his chair apparently – though he had managed to swop his cereal bowl for a bottle of

Malbec – now that’s what I call a hasher!

Also Aids for in-attention and not previously noticing that Barberella has had a video rather than a

picture of beach, waves and palm trees playing in the background for the last God knows how many

weeks!

Panty Pockets informed us that Bag o’ Bones had called her to lunch (Sunday Lunch is ALWAYS at

1:00pm sharp!). So quick down down to Aids for haring and the pack went off to do whatever hashers

do on a Sunday afternoon (suspect some of the harriettes were off to watch some of the local lads

playing rugby - or maybe just drink like the rest of us!).

On-On Aids

021 - Sun 16 Aug 2020 - Edinburgh Fringe - Hare & Scribe: Not Dot & Biggles

LOCKDOWN HASH #21 16th August 2020

EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL ON NATIONAL ‘TELL A JOKE’ DAY

HARE/ SCRIBE: Not Dot and Biggles

The hash pack gathered near the castle for the start of the run in the crowded streets of Edinburgh at the height of the Fringe festival. The dress for the day was street performers or hash punters, Shakey trolled the depths of his dressing up box and came as a clown, as did Aids. Thrupennies sported a FRINGE, and Rats got very close to a dog called Bob.

A truly horrible history was told by Sir Deadmund, involving shouts of gardez-loo, rats (he pops up everywhere), slums, dungeons, and drownings in the stinking loch.

There were a few pre-show jokes; Numbskull had to be educated on who this Spartacus guy was who ordered a taxi from the pub, thus confusing the taxidriver.

Toilet roll of honour went to T Rex Cock for being the most laid back hasher, running round Edinburgh in his dressing gown.

Biggles gave us a short history of the Edinburgh Fringe, and we were off around various venues, stopping for a few shows, and to watch street performers. A very clear map was provided to navigate the flour spots, and advice given to the shortcutters to take a rickshaw through the crowds.

The On Inn was at the Stand Comedy Club, where the hare had secured a slot for The Great Aberdeen Hash House Harriers Comedy Show- yes, we were ON, or ON ON at 12.30 sharp!

I say I say I say, what happened on this hash? I don’t know, what happened on this hash?

· Shakey filled in as a street performer for a clown group, and made a small fortune

· One Liner got a contract to go on tour to Uzbekistan with a comedy group

· Pink Panther and Thrupennies got lured into a peep show AGAIN!

· ToyBoy Tom followed some performers onto the stage AGAIN and became part of the show

· Glasgow and Sir Deadmund got lost in the Edinburgh Dungeons and were late for the show

· JC and FiFi were late for the run AND the show, (NO you say!) having missed their train because Boston ate their tickets

· Drillbit went for a bike ride doing wheelies up Arthurs Seat (don’t think Arthur was too pleased)

· Olymprick missed the show but was down downed for entertaining us with a reasonably good joke!

· Best joke went to Panty Pockets, worst joke went to One Liner

· One Liner and Tonto told the most jokes

Some excerpts from the The Great Aberdeen Hash House Harriers Comedy Show:

How do crazy hashers run through the forest? They take the psycho-path...

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him: don't be Sicily...

Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh its one o’clock.....

I can’t believe I got fired from my job at the factory that makes calendars: all I did was take a day off!

What game does a horse like to play? Neigh idea. Maybe it’s Stable Tennis

You know what they're saying about 2020 - it went viral faster than anyone thought it would

I used to think I was a marvellous lover - until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma

Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar? He left because it was set too low.

Did you hear about the man that stole a calendar? He got 12 months

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Whoever invented the Knock Knock jokes should have been given the No bell prize.

I keep randomly shouting out Broccoli and Cauliflower; - I think I might have florets

Jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar... demerara

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act

Man goes into a shoe shop and asks if they sell crocodile shoes. “Yes” says the assistant “what size is your crocodile”?

Hippo: I’ve just been to the barber’s. Theresa: What for? An estimate?

Doctor, I keep seeing an insect spinning in front of my eyes. Doctor: Yes, there’s a bug going round.

My wife tells me I can’t multitask. But I can listen, ignore and forget. All at the same time!

A prawn went into a nightclub and pulled a mussel (winner- Panty Pockets)

I know some people like cats. I’ve heard the Pope is a cataholic

The worst investment in 2020 was in a company making year planners

A load of cars had their bonnets sprayed blue overnight. Police say it’s the worst case of Bluebonnet plague they have ever seen

020 - Sun 09 Aug 2020 - - Hare & Scribe:


019 - Sun 02 Aug 2020 - Tanzania - Hare & Scribe: Panty Pockets & Bag O Bones

LOCKDOWN HASH #019 – 2 AUGUST 2020

HARES – PANTY POCKETS & BAG O BONES

ON ON – TANZANIA

The GM reappeared after his sunny sojurn in Glen Clova. Fifi had amassed a great menagerie of animals on her sofa, some of which (including JC & lemurs) not native to Tanzania. Having lived in Kenya, the RA was showing off his KiSwahili calling himself “Mshauri wa dini” but awarded the toilet roll of honour to “Farrokh Bulsara” who was born in Stonetown, Unguja Island, Zanzibar on 5 September 1946 when it was still part of Oman but done in by AIDS himself back in 1991.

Panty gave pockets of ‘orrible ‘istory –

#19 in numerology: 1 signifies a beginning & 9 an end, so 19 means you’re set for the next stage in life, which given the average age in the circle, might be getting towards their last.

On 2 August - 1776 the US Declaration of Independence was signed

1870 Tower Subway, the world’s first underground tube railway opened in London

1953 Donnie Munro, first lead singer of Runrig & failed politician born on Skye.

Then the pack was off Hashing down Julius Nyerere Avenue in Dar es Salaam (Haven of Peace but never actually ever quiet) from the airport to the ferry port to embark on a traditional Dhow for the crossing to Zanzibar. Following the pink chalk trail in the maze of narrow white alleyways of Stonetown with checks at Freddie Mercury’s museum, Mercury’s beachfront café (ironic in such a homophobic nation?), the slave market site and Livingstone’s cross in the church, we met up with the Zanzibar Hash on a rooftop beer stop.

A ZanAir flight took the pack up to the Crater Highlands for a safari through Ngorogoro Crater, dodging the Gnus & zebras inconsiderately dropping their calves on the track and Rats firing off his shotgun at supposedly charging jumbos. Flour then led northwards past the Empakai Crater to the foothills of the active Ol’Doinyo Lengai volcano and past the Olduvai Gorge where fossilised remains of ancient Hashers ancestors found.

Back at the Dar Yacht Club a fleet of lasers transported the pack to Bongoyo island where we joined DarHHH for a trail around the island, over coral reefs & sandy beaches, before the traditional (giant toilet) circle in the Indian Ocean.

The usual chaotic Zoom grid followed where it’s impossible to make out what anyone is saying. But Thruppeny did get a Down Down for wearing her Khaki (sic!) round her neck. It began to wind down when the Hares decamped for their chalula cha mchana.

018 - Sun 02 Aug 2020 - - Hare & Scribe:


017 - Sun 18 Jul 2020 - Arabia (Syria) - Hare & Scribe: Tiger Feet

LOCKDOWN HASH # 17

LOCATION: Deir Ez Zor, Syria

THEME/OCCASION: Syria / Arabia

HARES: TigerFeet

The pack assembled at The Sham Palace Hotel in Deir Ez Zor. Most had travelled up from Damascus the evening before and probably missed seeing the ruins at Palmyra. The picture is attached.

The run was called to order by the GM who again informed us that Hashing would not be back to normal for some time to come. No Horrible History was prepared as it was sprung on the hare and Rats pitched in with the great time he had in the middle east.

The pre run down-down and the Toilet Roll of honour was shared between DrillBit and Wee Willie for getting lost more times on the FooFaah’s and doing multiple loops wrongly.

The hare then showed pictures of attractions which you might see and those you would see only if you were way off trail (attached). The picture of the 4 hanged murderers in the square this morning was not amongst them as they had been cut down at 10:00.

During the last 15 minutes a red sandstorm had blown in so the chances of seeing the attractions were small. The trail was laid with flour but between rocks so some of it should be still visible. The wearing of glasses was not advised as they would be scratched / sand blasted.

We were off. The trail took us in to the town centre then down the south side of the Euphrates, through the small villages. Down to Qalaat Al Rahbeh Fortress. Then south west into the desert and back to Deir Ez Zor, over the road bridge then up the north side of the river to the peanut man (he is the best blackmarket supplier of western beer and cigarettes) for the beer check. Across the suspension bridge and back to the Sham Palace Hotel for the circle.

The GM was not present as he had a pressing family gathering

Down downs were given to :-

Tonto for regaling us about what you would find if you google searched Camel Toes, Camel feet and Camel Faeces . He screen shared his findings.

TigerFeet for his run

On On to lockdown hash 18

TigerFeet

016 - Sun 11 Jul 2020 - Westbury, Wiltshire - Hare & Scribe: One Liner & Skinny Witch

LOCKDOWN HASH # 16

LOCATION: WESTBURY, WILTSHIRE

THEME/OCCASION: THE VILLAGE PUMP

ATTENDEES: USUAL SUSPECTS

HARES: ONE LINER AND SKINNY WITCH

A small pack congregated on Bratton Down at the bottom of Westbury Hill. A few numpties...you know who you are, got the wrong horse and instead of doing the actual trail , apparently went on a drive around the countryside visiting the other 7 before finally pitching up for the beer and the circle . So we missed you ; having left the circle for lunch before you got back.

One Liner had been given the task of a horrible history, but simply narrated some stuff about previous dodgy and tired out musicians who had headlined or appeared at the festivals in years gone by. Some more well known and some more appreciated by others; I was at the festivals and have little recollection of any of those mentioned ; having taken my drinking duties very seriously….and probably missed most of the famous ones whilst queueing for a loo....or possibly trying to locate either One Liner`s flip flop or parts of tents and gazebos which were blowing in the wind!

The trail took us out of the camping site, past the loo and shower queues, and obviously up Westbury Hill, to visit the wonderful horse. Despite requests not to sit on the horse, obviously most of the pack had to get a selfie ...well when in Wiltshire!!!!!!!! Fortunately we had fantastic blue skies , so those who were playing it safe in fear of mud a ala Glastonbury, were a bit trockled at the back running in their wellies. And similarly the optimistic fair-weather flip flop crew were a bit challenged on trail which was dusty and gravelly...but I rather think the excuse by the hashers for the overall sluggish speed was the distraction of visiting every beer tent and the lure for harriettes on the final leg returning to base. was the tat stalls selling every kind of incense and hippy outerwear known to woman.

No doubt a few were engaged by Cooky the Clown, Mr Browns Pig ( the comedian who can manage to climb into a wheelie bin in oh so many ways ), bewitched by the 9 feet faeries showering glitter on us , or were enjoying the hilarious transgender swim-show, before being mesmerised by the antics of the local GP in head to toe lycra dancing with a plastic pint on his head. Believe me, once seen that can never be unseen and not in a good way. And if that’s not enough distraction, before the golf club pub adjacent to the circle we all had to fight our way through the battling neighbourhood morris dancers. After all , we did aim to provide variety on this run...other than hunt for One Liner`s flip flop.

So once safely reassembled, the GM confirmed that we cannot yet meet beyond Foofah and praised J C for all his efforts . Someone in the circle even suggested he patent the formula . All hail Sir John Carter...and he hadn’t even got his negligee on to receive his award when he finally made it to the circle .

Down downs were given to :-

-- the GM who seemed to have many problems on his foofah trail...but he liked it so much he did it twice and still managed to miss the loop where the special brownies were resting more or less in plain sight .

· Thruppennies for the most glam tent ; beating Red Stripe by the flicker of a hurricane lamp.

-- Hippo/Sir Ernie was nominated for a down down in respect of technical , mobile phone advice , but was so busy cycling all over the place appearing in everyone's zoom that the RA was defeated. The rest of the down downs are forgotten in a purple haze of alcohol and space cookies found on trail.

The results of the Kahoot Glastonbury quiz were announced by Flaps; the winners were the hares woop, woop because as quizmaster she used her discretion to disqualify Barbarella who apparently had scored a very suspicious 100 per cent....and bizarrely she obviously didn’t think that he’s the festival type mmmmm .

So it’s On On to lockdown hash 17

Skinny Witch signing off........

015 - Sun 05 Jul 2020 - Antarctica - Hare & Scribe: Wee Willie

AH3 Lockdown Hash 15

Union Glacier, Antarctica

Great to see so many hashers arriving for breakfast before the flight to Antarctica, most were ready for winter hashing, even Drillbit, who had put winter tyres on his bike.

JC was well prepared for the minimal temperature, his survival pack included his favourite sleeping bag, which he climbed into at any opportunity.

Not to be outdone, Fifi had brought her very own husky, a breed that is renowned for being even hungrier than Boston (famous for eating and partially digesting the GM’s gloves).

It was noticeable that some hashers were being tourists, Underlay & RMM were dressed for their weekend on Hawaii, so their flight went north where the hash went south.

There were some hashers that were noticeable by their absence, our very own Penguin didn’t come because he didn’t want to be upstaged by a gaggle of much smaller penguins (so we missed his chocolate bars, would have been very useful on the trail).

Excellent flight to Antarctica, we were well looked after by Ivan, and enjoyed the in-flight entertainment, some more than most. Not Dot & Biggles had a shot of flying the Ilyushin II-76- apparently they’d flown one on their Xbox. Nobody noticed. Interesting that the most important sentence in Russian after three hours in the Sky Bar was: ‘где туалет’ (‘where’s the toilet’).

-30 degrees centigrade meant the pre-run circle was short and sweet, and we soon headed off in the direction of the Union Glacier. Barbarella and Twizzle led the way, but the pack very sensibly didn’t follow them. For some reason they followed Tonticle (aka Tonto) instead, big mistake, his route involved crevices, some big, some small, eventually the pack saw sense and left Eggfroze (Eggfoo) to rescue him and followed Redstripe instead, that didn’t last long either, as she headed off in the wrong direction in search of penguins.

Pink Panther did so well on last week’s trail- finding twigs and stones and bat droppings- that she insisted on replicating it this week, but soon disposed of the penguin droppings, which smelt worse than that herring you found in the back of your fridge a year after buying it.

We only lost one hasher for a bit, not altogether surprising it was One Liner- he did turn up eventually after running to the Faraday Bar, the most southern bar in the world. Skinny was pretty unconcerned, was hallucinating about there being “too many trees on Antarctica”, a few stiff vodkas on the return flight sorted her out.

Sir Dead Amundson (aka Deadmund) also had alcohol on his mind, having unsuccessfully searched for Ernest Shackleton’s missing whisky stash.

More fun was had upon return to Punta Arenas- who did we meet but Bruce Almighty and GT, who ‘accidentally’ missing the flight south and made the most of the ‘joie de vivre’ in the ‘Principe de Gales’ (Prince of Wales) in Punta Arenas.

Even More Butt turned up late, preferring sweating in the gym to hashing across the Antarctic wastelands chasing penguins.

Not to be outdone, Rats turned-up a day late, some excuse about being in Lockdown in that virus hotspot of NW England.

I should write down DDs now, what I remember:

· Frozen Bits (aka Thrupennies)- for appropriate Antarctic hash handle (there were a few of those!).

· Aids awarded landing award to the Russian pilot, after the dodgy landing on the Blue Ice Runway. Ivan enjoyed our company so much he joined us on the trail, cheating a bit, as he took his skis for langlaufen...

· Virtual DDs to Shackleton (aka Shaky)- won the hash quiz YET AGAIN- and Underlay- almost won the hash quiz booby prize.

· Numb Bum (Nummers) for changing counties- while the rest of us were changing countries.

· Sir Ernie (aka Hippo)- not sure why, maybe something to do with him looking like a bank robber- also dodgy when flying with the Russian Air Force.

· There was something about Perishing Panties (aka Panty Pockets) needing a DD- not sure if she got one, but there is always next week...

· Frozen Flaps (Flaps) should have got one for bringing her parents to the hash, that’s never destined to end well in Antarctica.

· Tiger Feet should have got one too, for delaying the departure back to Chile with a game of curling.

· (Very) Wee Willie for an excellent trail, though it was a big disappointment to all that the promised polar bears never turned up.

Next week’s run- thanks to One Liner and Skinny- somewhere in Wiltshire, after which we are invited to the Trowbridge Folk Festival for fun and frolics.

OnOn

(Very) Wee Willie

014 - Sun 28 Jun 2020 - Rural Aberdeenshire - Hare & Scribe: Redstripe

Lockdown Hash #014

On On: Rural Aberdeenshire....somewhere

Hare/Scribe/Adventure Tour Guide: Red Stripe

The hash gathered in various states of undress (nothing new there) ready for their forest adventure with binoculars, midge nets, and magnifying glasses (use that often Twizzle?). Tonto had already been twitching and stated he had spotted some lovely Great Tits in his garden...which was promptly confirmed by Egg Foo. JC was ahead of himself for a change and turned up dressed for next week’s trip to Antarctica. Hashy birthday Down Downs to Panty Pockets and Glasgow, who was celebrating a significant birthday this week. Do we always sing out of time and tune, or is it just a zoom time lapse thing?

Wee Wullie called us to some semblance of order and gave us hope that there still might be a party to go to at the end of August as well as AGPU! Yipee!!

The pack was shown the trail markings, which thankfully hadn’t been scoffed by the squirrels, and their challenge was set. A treasure hunt to find 8 nature themed items, although making a note of these items proved a challenge for some. Numskull finally realised he could photograph the screen with his phone, however Thrupenny wasn’t quite as successful and inadvertently disappeared from the zoom room while trying to do the same.

The trail took us through some of Aberdeenshire’s unspoilt woodland and there was evidence of bird watching from some of the hashers. Thinking in hindsight that perhaps nudity and a trail through nettles wasn’t one of my greatest ideas! The sweetie stop provided an opportunity to hunt for froglets and newts although the soft, boggy mud caught a few people out. One Liner made the discovery that a bear does actually sh*t in the woods. After managing not to lose our shortest of the pack in the head-height (well for me anyway) ferns we found our way to the banks of The Dee. At first sight it looked like everyone was engaging in a mass yoga session but it turned out they were just checking for ticks in all conceivable places. The more observant may have spotted the lesser-clothed Flaps and Stripey partaking in a refreshing bathing session amongst the salmon and the otters.

The weather weary adventurers returned to the closing circle proudly showing off their treasure hunt acquisitions. Lots of completionists so a tie-breaker was required. A photo was shared showing an animal resembling the weasily stoatily creature adorning Hippo’s head. First to type the correctly spelt answer of pine matren was birthday girl Panty Pockets (no Flaps, it’s not a bird). Well done! I’ll deliver your prize of a bug hotel to you shortly.

Down Downs (that I remember. Must pay attention) went to the following:

• Kahoot winners the Leith Clan and booby prize to Not Dot

Not Dot and Biggles for their enactment of botanists and peering from behind foliage

• Hare for getting everyone back unscathed

On Inn was a campfire in the woods, set with the collection of y-shaped sticks from the treasure hunt. We feasted on damper bread, sorrel pancakes, pizza, smores and nettle wine. Fireside entertainment was provided by Shakey with his guitar.

Post circle chat continued with the wildlife theme as Tonto invited us to count bats at his house and warned us where not to sit to avoid being deposited on by the emerging flying furry mammals. Egg Foo announced their annual Independence Day BBQ, which may have to be virtual this year or attended by some form of rota. We were informed that the route would tantalisingly be set with a trail of special cakes of a non-specific colour. We thought Tiger Feet had been devoured by his jungle dwelling namesake, but it turned out that the beast had just sent his human servant on a mission to collect more beer. (Beastiality’s best?) Sh*t Boyfriend made an appearance after being allowed to leave the confines of his cage, having been sufficiently rubbed down, and promptly left again to destroy part of the house (is that why you have to keep him locked up Thrupenny?).

The usual suspects remained in the room with late appearances from Haggi and Bruce Almighty. We missed playing the ‘What’s new on Icebreaker’s shelf’ game this week. We did attempt it with Hippo’s abandoned room but found there to be a lack of light sabres and cyborgs. Nummers made the ground-breaking discovery that his feather from the treasure hunt was great for cleaning his keyboard (that’ll be a feather duster then?) before nodding off. Flaps teased us (again) by devouring a continuous supply of warm cinnamon rolls prepared by Nuggets. It was a curfew and the realisation of the need for food that finally finished the zoom chat at 7pm.

On On to Antarctica next week, where more clothing will be required than this week’s trail!

013 - Sun 21 Jun 2020 - French Riviera - Hare & Scribe: ThuppenyBits

Lockdown Hash #013

Date: 21 Juin 2020

OnOn: French Riviera

OnInn: Hippodrome, Cagnes sur Mer

Lièvre: Thrupenny Bits

Nom de Plume: Pièce de Trois Centimes

The weather was fantastic last week for a jaunt along the Côte d'Azur. In fact it was so nice that I stayed on for the rest of the week with Merde Petit Ami (SBF) practicing being rich and famous. I was hoping to get invited onto one of the huge superyachts in Antibes, or whisked off along the Moyenne Corniche in a sexy Aston Martin to Monaco for a quick game of poker (in the casino). So that’s my excuse for not completing the scribe until returning to the Scottish equivalent of the Riviera, where it’s currently chucking it down. Surely you must have noticed all the similarities between the Aberdeenshire coast and the Mediterranean one?

One of my favourite locations when haring a run would be Portlethen, as it’s very convenient for my Scottish residence. This was replaced this week for the beach at Cagnes sur Mer which is at the far end of the Promenade des Anglais, also conveniently placed for my part-time French residence.

Most hashers arrived attired in their own definition of what would be suitable garb for the south of France. These outfits will be judged later on in the circle.

The French hash handles were extremely amusing….. Imbécile, Petit Guillaume, Rouge Bande, Le Shakes, Brise-Glace, Flaps Feu, Pas de Point, Poches de Slip, Idiot et Oeuf Foo to name but a few.

TBT made a brief appearance from his kitchen wearing an apron…..apparently he was about to take an online cooking lesson – not French cuisine though, it would be something Mexican. For some reason he seemed to believe he would have the necessary ingredients in his store cupboard. Has anyone seen or heard from him since??

The GM and RA did their introductory bits and Sir Deadmund excited us all with a brief history of Nice. Then it was over to the hare who had promised an interesting run for all. Any historians could visit either the Renoir or Picasso museums, or a 16th-century fort; the athletes could try out different modes of transport along the Promenade - skating, Segwaying, or scooting; the less active could browse for a new superyacht at the marina, and the ultra-lazy could just chill at any of the many beachside cafes and bars with a glass or two of local delicious Provençal rosé or Pastis, enjoying the usually entertaining beach views.

OnOn, or SurSur was called and that was the last I saw of them all for an hour or so, when most hashers reconnected looking decidedly sweaty and tired after their various activities. Who knows what might have taken place…..

DownDowns:

Berets, moustaches and strings of onions (homemade of course) were numerous, also sunhats, alluring beachwear and sunglasses. Although Bruce Almighty (tout-puissant) was sporting a French hash t-shirt and cap the winner of the best theme was:

· Rouge Bande “who can show the most cleavage” competition

· Le Shakes for the most moustache changes

· Pas de Point for quaffing rosé from California

· Imbécile for trying to make sense of Ikea shelf instructions

· Drillbit who got lost at first FOOFAH check and was aimlessly cycling around the shire

Not sure who won the Kahoot Riviera quiz, but I was delighted to be 5th on the podium, well, I’d have been on the podium if you discount the top two players who apparently did some answers in zero seconds … how is that even possible.

Lots of nonsense followed at the Hippodrome OnInn whilst sampling many local delicacies and vat loads of wine. Apparently Tonto has a cock called Crowbin (Jeremy) that sits on the fence a lot. Now there’s a new bird called Nicola…

FireFlaps says she buys her funny looking chicken from EggBay, wrapped in their shells and ready to ripen/hatch at home.

No doubt there was much more goings on but I lost the will when the chat turned into nostalgic memories and recalling old haunts like Crazy Daisies with its go-go dancers, back in the days before the poles arrived….

A bientôt mes amis, jusqu'à la prochaine fois ,

Pièce de Trois Centimes

012 - Sun 14 Jun 2020 - - Hare & Scribe: Drillbit


011 - Sun 06 Jun 2020 - Drumtochty Glen, Auchenblae - Hare & Scribe: Pink Panther

AH3 Virtual Lockdown Hash #011

7th June 2020

On On: Drumtochty Glen, Auchenblae

On Inn: Drumtochty Arms (RIP), Auchenblae

Hare: Pink Panther

Around 32 hashers gathered on the Zoom call for the Drumtochty Glen hash. So…..what is it about that lovely glen that no matter when I set a run there, it rains! Even when virtually!! Sigh……

In response to my challenge, most of the circle were either wearing pink, dressed like a Pink Panther or trying to look like me – which just seemed to entail blond hair and big tits…….. J Some great costumes there hashers!

Sadly our Illustrious GM Wee Willie couldn’t be with us – our thoughts are with him on the sad passing of his father recently. Cinders very ably stood in for him again as GM for the day and managed to keep the circle in some sort of order until our RA Aids arrived.

Our RA seemed to be quite horrified at FiFi’s pink loungewear although that was nothing to his horror when JC subsequently turned up after the run in a pink negligee! Hmmm…so what were your plans for the afternoon guys? 😉

General chat in the circle was mainly about Drillbit’s new bike, which we’ll get to see next week when he’s hare and Flaps setting her hands on fire - so usual story there then! Best story was about Jetslag’s adventure with her bedroom window – as featured on the front page of the Evening Express – there are easier ways of attracting a cute fireman to your bedroom I’m sure! Aids duly awarded her the toilet roll award “in absentia”. Pre-run Down Down went to Hippo for his scary outfit (more of that later).

After the hare (me) described the run – follow the trail of pink paw prints, checks are a pale pink circle, (shame my pre-recording of the Pink Panther theme couldn’t be heard, oh well, that’s technology for you…..) and the pack were (mostly) off, on trail. A fabulous run with lots of ups, downs, wet grass and trees, fab views, more wet trees, more downs, more ups and some alongs…….both sides of the glen were traversed with no reported injuries. 😉

On return to the circle post run, it was discovered that Shock! Horror! 3 hashers had not only switched to A DIFFERENT HASH but were also running together! Don’t tell Auntie Nicola! On the breakaway hash FOOFAAH#2 (set by JC) were Sir Deadmund, Muffy and Barbarella – with Tonto watching from the woods, claiming that a buzzard would attack him if he came out, as he looks like a rabbit from above, or is it a badger? All claimed they had met up by accident…aye right!

Down Downs awarded by Aids:-

· To the 3 Foofaah’s - Sir Deadmund, Muffy and Barbarella – with what looked like real beer!

· JC for his pink “naughty nightie”

· Hare PP

Later on - Flaps announced the results of her Facebook competition – 21 took part and the top three were:-

1. Shaky

2. Yeast??? No-one claiming to be them but surely it was Olymprick?

3. Nummers

Olymprick claimed he didn’t cheat but then complained that Haggi had deliberately given him the wrong answers….and then stripped off (arrghhh!!!)

Rats – announced that people can change their dates for when pubs will re-open properly competition, as it seems unlikely to be soon…..answers on a postcard to him (or email if you’re able).

Some notable Pink Panther Look-a-like competition or Simply dress in Pink contenders: -

· Shaky – PP mask on a stick, pink gloves, pink boa and pink fly swat

· Nummers – pink boa, moustache and later monobrow, rude picture of PP (male variety)

· Tiger Feet with furry pink cowboy hat

· Panty Pockets’ posh pink top – “only for going out in” though (not for a while then….)

· MoreButt quaffing M&S Rose wine at 11am – oh wait she’s in Singapore!

· Rats and Hippo - Blond hair and big tits

· Red Stripe – pink hair, pink boa and matching walls!

The Prize was jointly awarded to Red Stripe in her resplendent pink wig and matching walls and Hippo for his blond hair and enormous tits! A bottle of Corona awaits you both!

Next week’s hare is Drillbit – a Cycle hash……theme is Scallies

010 - Sun 31 May 2020 - Refugio Whymper, Chimborazo, Ecuador - Hare: Tonto, Eggfoo, Yankee Jill Scribe: Tonto

Hash Scribe – Aberdeen Lockdown Hash #010, May 31st 2020

On On – Refugio Whymper, Chimborazo, Ecuador

Hares – Tonto, Eggfoo and Yankee

Ecuador, the only country named after a geographic feature, a land of peaks and pigs, was the site for Lockdown Hash #10.

The pack had assembled in the refugio Whymper on Chimborazo. The Refugio is named after the distinguished British mountaineer who made the first ascent. He is more famous for losing most of his party in a disastrous tumble from the Matterhorn some years later. Being very high the pack were all offered a remedy by Mrs Coca Leaf T. High Maintenance settled for Cocoa, quite different, and fell asleep for the rest of the hash.

The summit of Chimborazo is the closest point to the Sun on Earth. It’s all to do with the oblate spheroid shape of our planet. Aging Earth has a midriff; don’t we all. This makes the refugio the highest bonkhouse (sic) in the world, and our hares claimed to have reached a peak here some years ago.

Having breakfasted on bananas, what else, in this original banana republic - provider of 25% of the worlds crop - the hash was eager to on on. Standing out in the sun, our hare Tonto, showed us the mighty summit, then turning to a sea of cloud below the refugio revealed that this would be that rare beast, a downhill hash. Marked with inedible corn husks the trail crossed the ashen slopes and lava fields of this mighty volcano. Bike descents sounded very attractive, Drillbit was last seen still heading downhill towards Manaus.

Given the thick mist we didn’t see much at all. Aids thought the dots should be supplemented with discrete piles of puke. Altitude sickness is a real nasty one, but a good rehydration strategy can help enormously – good to see Aids down down his pisco sour in the circle – exemplary behaviour. Bad attitude can also hinder hashers at height – no names, you know who you are – setting an alternative run for the weekend.

Hashers had made quite an effort to dress for the occasion. JC and FiFi had dug out QuitoH3 t-shirts from some long ago visit. They also sported Panama hats along with Curly, ToyBoyTom, Eggfoo, TRex Cock (orange!) and Aids. These smart hashers had found the connection between Panama hats and Ecuador – yes, they are all made here from a very particular grass, so tightly woven that they can be used as a downdown mug, and rolled up for storage. They were exported to Panama for canal builders, hence the name.

Alternative head gear saw Rats in Andean balaclava knitted by Pink Panther from her herd of Llamas. Hippo, vied with Sir Deadmund and Red Stripe, for widest brim Mexican hat and Shaky took the prize for a moustache that could serve as a hat band. Barbarella opted for the beach look, why not? Ecuador has it all and some more. If you want exotic species there is always the very first world heritage site in the Galapagos. This is where Darwin got very wrapped up in studying finches, when anyone else would have opted to watch boobies on the beach. Well each to his own; Ecuador has after all given nature and all the animals constitutional rights – another world first. This was linked to Ecuador trying to pursuade the worlds wealthy to pay them not to develop oil fields in the Amazon. (Tonto kept quiet about his role in this rapacious activity).

The run ended in the car park below the refugio, from where hash bus took us to Banos, home of Yankee Jill, for a fabby On Inn. Hornado was served after a long slow roast, complete with chillis up the nostrils, an orange in the gob, and …. well you get the picture, just another Bullingdon boys dinner. We chased it down with Pilsener and more pisco, a side of papas fritas, and truck loads of fresh veggies. Yankee commanded a performance of Father Abraham, which our hare managed with high kicks.

To close the circle our Hare was observed taking his down down in water, as was our delightful On Inn host. Such sins should be a capital offence, but not here in Ecuador – they abolished the death sentence before any other nation in 1906. Lucky break for Tonto and Yankee Jill.

Oh, Eggfoo got back from the run just after the circle closed, she had been gathering up the strays, Splinter amongst them.

009 - Sun 24 May 2020 - Brathens Eco Business Park - Hare & Scribe: Shaky

AH3 Lockdown Run #009

On-On: Brathens Eco Business Park , near Banchory

On-Inn: - The other end of Shaky’s Garden

Hare: Shaky

Scribe: Shaky

Theme: Cowboys and Indians - The Remake (subtitled: Cummings or Going)

Remakes are rarely as good as the original but after last week’s problems with the telegraph company there was an opportunity for this run to exceed expectations – or maybe not.

The run site had moved to the reservation at Brathens Eco Business Park after complaints following last week’s run by the ladies (I’m assured there are some) of the Banchory Tennis Club about the amount of horse shit deposited in their corral.

Big Chief CINDERS made a welcome but, in recent times, rare appearance to substitute for Little Chief GM who had left the reservation on the early stagecoach to conduct some other business. After quickly affirming that the hare would be scribing his own run again, she handed over to Crazy Storyteller SIR DEADMUND for his horrible history or, for this week at least, a cowboy film quiz to which most seemed to know the answers.

Returner MUD COCK AND BOLLOCKS was there at the start and deserves mention.

Witch Doctor AIDS performed the pre-run ceremony. Toilet paper of shame and pre-run down-down went to yours truly, for not knowing who received the same award on Lockdown Run #008; this despite the mitigating circumstances of the broken telegraph! For the tribal archives, it was He Who Speaks in Riddles, OLYMPRIK last week.

The hare’s pictogram showing the new trail markings couldn’t be shown despite the best efforts of (or because of) Keeper of the Smoke Blanket, BARBERELLA. The same problem resulted in heap bad smoke signals and some lost connections. A verbal description with hand signals made do: Trail marked by one rock on top of another or a twig stuck in the ground; Check marked by a circle of stones or pebbles and a Back-Check marked with crossed twigs.

The depleted pack of around departed with much hollering and whooping. More joined the pack shortly after once the smoke blanket had been fixed. The trail went along the path of the old Iron Horse around the farmhouses and into the back of Brathens wood from where it rose up to the back trail and meandered down to the homes of the palefaces at the edge of Inchmarlo. Turning anti-clockwise back into the woodlands the trail wound its way to the big water tank on the top of the hill, the firewater had been stashed nearby. A short run down the hill took most of the pack back to the reservation; although some were not seen again and may have fallen into the ravine or were worried they might get delegated with future trails for sending the wrong smoke signals and speaking with forked tongue. PANTY POCKETS and BAG O BONES went off trail to the neighbouring reservation to check out their totem pole but made it back in time for the circle.

After a short pow wow, the ceremonial circle was called to order by Witch Doctor AIDS.

Ancient and sometimes wise one NUMMERS performed a sacred drinking ritual with raw egg yolk (and probably some shell), a spoonful of sugar (that doesn’t help the medicine go down) and some firewater in quick succession. AIDS was duly nominated to perform the drinking ritual next week. [This for NHS charity - details on Flap’s FB page with a video of her own attempt]

Wild squaw FIRE FLAPS revealed the winner of last week’s quiz – TONTO came top of the leader board, followed by PICKMEUP and NUMMERS.

A motley array of creative costumes were on display; well worth the wait from last week. T-REX COCK must shop in the same gentleman’s outfitters as CANNAE DO THAT as not many would dare stock a frilly cowboy hat. BIGGLES showed that he’s a SCB at heart by wearing a hat already prepared for next week’s run when we move further south - the tortilla chips may be stale by then though. Best costume however was awarded to SKINNY WITCH who is clearly the chief in her household and has the headdress to prove it. No wonder ONE LINER was quiet.

Ritual down-downs went to or should have gone to:

FLAPS for her phallic run map

BARBERELLA for chatting up Alexa when testing out the smoke signals earlier in the week

SKINNY WITCH for the head gear

SHAKY for another run

Next week’s run will be virtually set by TONTO with assistance from a special guest, somewhere on a high mountain in Ecuador. Might be best to bring sarnies in case you don’t like the local food going by descriptions of the menu.

The pack retired to their tepees leaving the usual suspects to pow wow around the virtual totem pole. ICEBREAKER had some additions to his shelves and FLAP’s guinea pigs were groomed in preparation for a trip to the home of their ancestors next week. RATS was a no show - must have gone Home on the Range, rather than playing it as promised. RED STRIPE introduced us to Malcolm (The cat - Not BARBERELLA) who had returned. BIN LINER and BRUCE ALMIGHTY stuck their heads in and OLYMPRIK returned from EH3 then buggered of to Brussels H3 just as quickly.

Happy Scalping - Shaky

008 - Sun 17 May 2020 - Burnet Park, Banchory - Hare & Scribe: Shaky

Lockdown Run #008

On-On: Burnett Park, Banchory

On-Inn : - Shaky’s Garden

Hare: Shaky

Scribe: Shaky

Theme: Cowboys and Indians

I checked in to the wagon circle without issue and plenty of time to spare only be told to bugger off as the modern telegraph was going to be reset. 30 minutes later after multiple attempts / reboots/ software upgrades but not being seen or heard I finally managed to re-join with audio only to hear the pack was already saddled up and that I should get on with it. Seems More Butt was the only hasher many could see - she was flashing in and out mouthing something that couldn’t be heard! After a very brief explanation of this week’s markings, the pack rode off. If there was a toilet roll award, I had missed it.

Trail markings were easy to follow by even a novice tracker. The lack of flour in Banchory, due to the local ‘book clubs’ taking a sudden interest in baking, continues so the trail made the best of materials underfoot :- 1 lump horse shit and you’re on , if you come across a cow pat - check it out; (no bullshit on trail).

The pack of around 40 set off at a steady gallop around the familiar wooded trails behind the west side of Banchory after a quick loop around Burnett Park. The uphill trail took them to and along the old railway via a few fields and up to the Brathens road before turning clockwise past Crow’s Nest and back down the hill to the start. The firewater stop halfway around was well received by those in the pack that bothered to find it although some Indians did complain about the lack of mixers (heathens). Meantime, Barberella sacrificed some of his daily exercise allowance to fix the confounded telegraph problems that had thrown the start of the run into disarray - perhaps the Indians had cut the wires? A few of those who had stayed at the wagons strayed off to see what was happening in EH3. Nothing worth reporting apparently, their telegraph was playing up as well.

The pack connected to the post-run circle in dribs and drabs; some with more success than others as the telegraph continued to be problematic. Some could see and be seen, some couldn’t, some could hear and be heard – and some couldn’t do either.

Many of the splendid costumes that the more enthusiastic/ dedicated /skilful/ bored had spent hours pulling together went unappreciated. They were fabulous we were told but no one could see them. Of those that were sighted, the poofy pink stetsons worn by Rats and Wee Willie caught the eye (you could hardly miss them) and Sir Deadmund fitted the mold of an old time cow poke – Lee Marvin eat your heart out. Barberella demonstrated a questionable liking for whips and Gas Chamber showed even cowgirls cab be patriotic. The new lockdown T shirts were also on display - excellent design (again) Smiler.

Fire Flaps announced the winner of her lockdown quiz – seems he had cheated though and had already been tarred and feathered. Cannae do that had already come clean about having two attempts and was spared that indignation although some of his bad jokes on social media surely qualify.That left the mysterious Red Carpet in first with Shaky a close second. Underlay clinched the wooden spoon just behind Muff Diver.

Post run down downs awarded by Aids went to:

Wee Willie for unwittingly giving his XL sized lockdown shirt to yours truly in error, leaving him wondering why there was only a L sized one left for himself.

Red Stripe for modelling her new T-Shirt next to the skin, in follow up to her success at Glasgow’s lockdown charity quiz, – worth a trip to Aberdeen I heard said.

The Hare for a most excellent run.

An executive decision was made to use the same theme next week for Lockdown Hash #009 so all that artistic effort was not wasted Shaky also volunteered to hare again - Ctrl-C very effective in such circumstances - but need to stay off the firewater next week.

Mr’s T is doing herbs as a fund raiser for SensationALL – check out her Just Giving page (link on email).

The more sensible/hungry/bored left to go to their chuck wagons. Those that remained were entertained by Rats and Shaky’s musical efforts around the virtual campfire and a tour of Icebreaker’s shelves.

(seems like the telegraph problems were universal - that’s new technology for you!)

Happy Trails - On On Shaky

007 - Sun 10 May 2020 - Johnson Gardens - Hare & Scribe: Rats

AH3 Lockdown #007 - 10/05/2020

On On - Johnson Gardens

ON Inn - Rat’s Garden

Hare - Rats

Scribe - Rats

Proceedings started promptly with the “cool temperature” producing NO Bond girls emerging from the Duck pond in string bikinis. However OLYMPRICK hardened by regular swimming in N.Sea valiantly wore his Budgie smugglers” with a fine impersonation of David Craig in his Bond role emerging from the ocean.

AIDS took superb control of the circle with SIR DEADMUND highlighting the inspiration for Bond by Ian Fleming the author. However post hash investigations reputedly have revealed in the authors 1st submission to his publisher he had depicted the Secret Agent with following characteristics:-

  • was a “woke” , sexually fluid feminist, vegan, non smoking teetotaller , pacifist whose main interests were baking, crochet and meditating while sitting naked in Scottish woodland. He was also known to weep easily if “stressed”......, particularly if a car drove too close to him when he was travelling on his bicycle (Original character also scared of speed and could not drive). He was however a true patriot and understood England’s main enemy was and always had been The French

“surprisingly” to Mr Fleming he was told to go back to his “modest” home in The Bahamas and have another try. His revamp portraying a smoking , drinking , psychopathic misogynist with no respect for safe sex proved rather more popular. The rest is history 😀

Other points of note pre run

  • GLASGOW very elegant in LBD (would definitely have got lucky with James)

  • MRS T definitely got best long wig of day award

  • Worst dress of day RAT’s black/red flamenco outfit

  • All tuxedo wearers VERY smart

  • Hair cut of year to date still HAGGI

  • In absence of flour RED STRIPE as resident eco harriette suggested saw dust

  • Some nice pussy’s on display

  • Long time returner MONTYfrom US definitely got Grecian 2000 award

  • BALLARINA recovering from a “cleat” moment, hope you recover soon. Ps in these circumstances wearing tight Lycra permanently in house apparently helps

THE RUN

Superb trail around paths, woodland, avoided Aberdeen crematorium as possibly could have been in bad Taste. Martini stop served by some furloughed nubiles of both gender was most welcomed by the pack members who found it.........

In summary possibly a candidate for one of the run of the year awards at AGPU.

THE ON INN

Copious quantities of champagne and caviar laid on but sadly travel restrictions by St Nicola meant a small attendance.

  • SHAKY again performed magnificently lyrics appropriate, guitar playing excellent. From backdrop of his garden can see where he is focusing his lockdown efforts.....

  • Bow tie contest amusing , would James as a Scottish gentleman have ever worn a clip on???

DOWN DOWNS

The usual miscreants,,,,,

Without Prejudice

Rats

006 - Sun 03 May 2020 - Skene - Hare & Scribe: Twizzle


005 - Sun 26 Apr 2020 -


004 - Sun 19 Apr 2020 - Singapore - Hare & Scribe: More Butt

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

4th Lockdown Hash

Sunday 9th April

So, an exotic outing for AH3 – the first AH3 run in Singapore!!! Details sent in advance but of course some of our members can’t find their way out of a paper bag, others got distracted by the (still open) coffee shops, and many arrived at the last minute. Nonetheless, a decent turnout.

The weather was a balmy 34 degrees, with high humidity. A typical Singapore day.

The run started from More Butt’s house in Novena. A bit of pavement pounding along Chancery Hill Road and Malcolm Road, through some of the nice Dunearn/Bukit Timah residential streets, until we reached Bukit Brown cemetery. Then things got interesting. Overgrown Chinese graves = lots of ankle breaking potential. Nice side trails through the jungle, no obvious snakes but plenty of aerial roots to catch people out and lots of biting insects.

Good trails from one part of the cemetery to the other. A few back checks but nothing too evil.

Hash was marked by loo roll, festooned on bushes and trees. Pink Panther came along at the back of the run, doing her Womble-thing and collecting up the paper. Rather than putting it in the nearest bin, she intends to sell it to the highest bidder if there is another toilet paper shortage. Worth knowing!

After about 5 miles (or 8 km as we say here), we arrived back at Chancery Hill Walk for a swim, down-downs and chicken rice.

Notable events

Some people had managed to drink a cup of coffee throughout the run (Thruppenny Bits and Shit Boyfriend)

Others had detoured via Everest, jungle regions, lovely beaches and Scottish beauty spots. Unfortunately I lost my notes so I can’t say who went where other than a vague recollection that Shaky was in Nepal.

JC and Fifi, and possibly Howard too, at least made an effort in terms of wearing an AH3 t-shirt

No-one was lost, and in fact, amazingly we had collected some hashers en route.

All in all, one of More Butt’s more successful runs (or so I say myself!).

OnOn

More Butt

003 - Sun 12 Apr 2020 - - Hare & Scribe: Blagger

HHH Lockdown 003 - 12th April 2020

Hashers all lined up on zoom, gabbling away to each other, about half a dozen conversations all going on at one. Easter bonnets of note:

Pink Panther’s very appropriate bright pink hat

Twizzle with insoles for ears and a jolly large carrot

Aide in his daffodil hat

Not Dot with her head decorated in toilet rolls

Ballerina with his very fetching pants on his head

Barberella’s ears were like the Cheshire Cat out of Alice in Wonderland … sometimes there and sometimes not

Hippo donned only in bunny ears and a tail

Not sure who the flowery garland with ears suited best - Glasgow or ?? - but it was beautiful!

Hare – Not Dot, trail marked with empty wine bottles, 12:30 rendezvous back on zoom.

A warm welcome to Bog Bonker (ex-hasher visiting from Boston) and Annie (Blagger’s sister).

Questionable as to who was actually hashing – Sauerkraut was seen in a green and white checked shirt – bit different from the usual skanky clothes and sweaty headband – seriously doubtful that he was going to run!

Numbskull’s beard was half-shaved off and it was on, on ...!

Back on zoom at half twelve, some more notable sights:

Drill Bit was definitely on drugs, bopping around in a ridiculous hat

Wee Willy the Christmas Elf

Bruce Almighty sporting a pink elephant

And we were joined by the Edinburgh Hashers, ASBO and Inspector Gorse

Why has Underlay still got his Covid gloves on indoors one wondered …. no clue …. but Nummers’ beard had now completely disappeared!!

Entertainment provided by Shaky – Amazon and Panic Buyers They are Screwing Me and You (Another Brick in the Wall)

Rats – This Really is Fucking Risky

Shaky was up again – Barberalla in the Tent ….. aka Way Down in France

ASBO was well away and inciting the rest of the crowd to check out: I Critique My Dick Pic and regaling us with the fun of Rubik’s Cube parties

Lots of close ups of Fire Flaps’ tits in between her busily topping up her son’s glass

Red Stripe’s purple crash helmet with thistles and happy (hash) feet was wicked, even if the ears have scarred her for life!

Nummers fell asleep but did rouse up – he also managed to break the £300 mark towards his fundraising goal for Covid-19 (Aberdeenshire FC Community Trust in partnership with Community Food Initiatives North East will deliver food to vulnerable children and families during these challenging times)

First prize to Ice Breaker for being a wonderful pissed Easter Bunny, promising a drum solo – hope this has been uploaded?

Second prize to Barbs for admitting that this was indeed a pervy zoom – he’s got cameras everywhere, so you’ve been warned

Next Hash (Lockdown 004) will be coming from Singapore with More Butt

002 - Sun 05 Apr 2020 - - Hare & Scribe: Fire Flaps

Lock Down Hash 002

Sunday 5thApril

Hare: Fireflaps

Scribe: Fireflaps

Hasher holding the entire shebang together:Fireflaps

‘Keep hashing and carry on on’

Proclaimed the hare to the crowd

As she welcomed them all to her run

Of which she was ever so proud

She’d laid trails all over the shire

For Aberdeen hashers to follow

So Aids moaning the run was the same as last week

Was somewhat hard to swallow

Despite dodging many a civvie

The hare followed trail like a pro

So GT’s announcement he’d spotted her out

Came as rather a blow

So on to the circle (although very few hands

Were raised when asked who’d truly hashed)

And Drillbit said he was coming

But by his wife was then thoroughly bashed

The RA let us down by choosing crap beer

Despite not needing the car

Then Alex Salmond piped up about the Plenty of Fish

He can no longer pick up in the bar

Wee Willie promised us T-shirts

To commemorate the times that we’re in

And decreed Easter outfits all round next week

(A contest I think Red Stripe might win)

A flurry of cheese flavoured puffs

Showed us Prickly had entered the circle

And the only mask not to don GTs own face

By this point was Angela Merkel

JCand Fifi were often seen

To leave their Goggle Box sofa quite bare

And Numbskull made promises to witnesses many

That by next week he’d have much less hair.

The circle disbanded leaving the die-hards

Haggi, Stripy, Bruceand GT

Without their dedication to our hash drinking cause

Were on Earth would we all be?

On On

Flaps

001 - Sun 29 Mar 2020 - Hare: Barbarella - Scribe: Not Dot

Hashers slowly trickled in for this very notable event; JC arrived first! Aids and Cinders were in separate locations to avoid a domestic, but Aids was ominously silent so it may have already occurred…. Drillbit got impatient and set off early, as did Muff Diver and High Maintenance.Hare, Barbarella, was in a Bounty advert in the Caribbean, Ballerina was in San Francisco, and Cockatool was at a party. Toy Boy Tom went minimalistic with a black screen and the letters TBT. Scabby Arse was cooking breakfast in a Wok, and Sir Dedmund was still eating his.

GM, Wee Willie, officially kicked us off by forming the circle for Lockdown Run Number 1. Almost everybody didn’t want to hear the horrible history, so Sir Dedmund borrowed 2020 and tried to get some response to a quiz about anniversaries. On On was thataway, or thisaway, or anyway, and everybody set off whatever way they wanted; no change there then.

The first check was in Singapore, where we picked up More Butt and Alexandra; the second was in Canada, where we picked up Leaky Willie. Amazingly the 30+ pack was still together; Underlay, Cinders, Biggles and JC in front, and the walkers making good time by taking a sneaky shortcut via the Pacific Ocean. BUT REMEMBER Barbarella was the hare, so it all went downhill from there….

  • Drillbit found himself in the Antartic and had to zip his coat up, put his gloves on, and go home

  • Muff Diver and Tia almost drowned trying to cross the Amazon, while High Mainenance went shopping in Rio

  • Tonto was attacked by a buzzard near some stone circles (Stonehenge?)

  • Goat Wrestler went to Rosemount for a pensioner lunch

  • Underlay bypassed all the checks and ran 111,000 km without stopping

  • Rats helped out digging a well for kids in Africa

  • Sir Dedmund and Glasgow ran around a 20 metre square in their garden (it’s now a tradition)

  • Fireflaps went to Portethen school to recruit some more hashers

  • Fifi’s bike broke down on the Col de Tourmalet when she tried to follow the Tour de France

  • Pink Panther stopped by Trailfinders to arrange her next holiday

Eventually, after about 2 hours, nearly everybody made it back to the On In- think we only lost about 8 so not bad for a Barbarella run. At the on-in circle, down downs were awarded to:

Numbskull who showed us the reason for his name by displaying only his skull

Several hashers for only pretending to run (including Numbskull)

  • Biggles for drinking coffee instead of beer

  • Drillbit for doing the Brunei Shuffle in his slippers

  • Rats for taking precautions in these cabin fever times by locking all the kitchen knives away

  • Cockatool for double running in Aberdeen and Edinburgh on the same day

  • TBT for being minimalist (isn’t he always?)

  • Tonto wore a gas mask to avoid flying beer from down downers.

Nine year old Alexandra lamented the lack of beer at the Singapore kids Hash.

Nobody got the Loo Roll of the Week award.

Next weeks hare is Fireflaps, location to be kept a secret until Sunday at 11.00