We had some visiting/returning/new hashers from lands of far far away- Columbia, South Korea, Puppyland, Aberdeen (Mad Cyclist).

A moments reflection for a fellow hasher, Free Willy, who passed away last week.

Hashy born year (1962) for FiFi and Muff Diver

450 run award to Cannae-be-arsed

NEARLY EVERYBODY didn’t want to hear the horrible history but here it is-

Marilyn Monroe sang happy birthday to JFK, application made in USA to send men to the moon, Beatles changed their minds about Decca

We set off from Duthie Park along an industrial landscape and the arches, as far as the Shooglie Bridge, but we avoided that one and went under the railway into a more leafy suburb of Ferryhill, ending up back at Duthie Park- that was the first of many loops in this trail.

The runners set off along several other loops around the old railway line, but I was more interested in the walkie talkie conversation, today’s highlight being bum and tit groping.

At the Bridge over the River Kwai (or Holburn Street to those not from lands far far away), Cannae-be-arsed did a few triple salcos trying to decide which pack to follow, and eventually followed the flour and the running pack.

At Garthdee, walking pack 1 (us) huddled under another bridge, Smiler was leading walking pack 2 back to meet us, running pack 1 was coming along the railway line, running pack 2 was coming over the bridge, running pack 3 came from the river.  After much prevaricating but no checking, everybody found a different way to the BEER CHECK in Aids’ allotment.  We all donned wellies and hankies on our heads and helped dig or stomp over his patches of rhubarb before sitting down with a pipe to have a beer and a natter.

On the way back, Shit Boyfriend put in a surprise appearance (in a car) but avoided knocking down Thrupenny Bits on the pedestrian crossing.  We took the high road (Numbskull and T-Rex Cock), and the low road (most of the rest) around the bonnie bonnie banks of the boating pond, back to the on in.

Many many down downs!

·         Wee Willie for forgetting to hand out the horn

·         Smiler, Gas Chamber and Jetslag for gabbing in the circle

·         Gas Chamber again for doing it again

·         Inappropriate present giving

o   Shit Boyfriend (new clothes line ‘but I put baubles on it’),

o   Wee Willie (kitchen scales- could have been worse if they’d been bathroom scales)

o   Bag o’ Bones (no presents)

·         Rhubarb stompers- Sir Deadmund Hillary, Wee Willie and a Townser from Sevenoaks

·         Aids for having a STROP; roughly translates to GOMFR (Get off my f’ing rhubarb)

·         Smiler for bunking off scribe writing in 1952

·         Musty Double Tap who came thousands of miles for a birthday party in the Beach Bullroom (sic- Twizzle) with no kilt

·         Muff Diver and Fifi for pulling each other last week

·         4 visitors from the lands of far far away

·         50 Shades of Gay (from S Korea) sang us a song and got a down down for dogging (huh?) with Glasgow

OnOn

Not Dot

A festive start to the run seeing as it felt like ‘2000 miles’ to get there (but the wrong way for me to be ‘Driving home for Christmas’). Perhaps it felt longer seeing as I was journeying in a screeching car that really didn’t want to be forced above 70mph by its boy racer owner Ice Breaker as we raced against time due to our late start. The blame for this was due to the ablutions of a Numbskull (who showers before the run?) which resulted in a worrying condensation obscuring the view in said speeding vehicle. 

My relief to arrive was soon tempered by the assignment of the role of scribe to my good self – which I promptly logged in ‘not an important fact to remember’ and forgot all about until climbing back into the car to go home. Thanks go to Twizzle looked delighted to deliver this reminder after watching me pay scant attention to the down downs.

 Barbarella was outed as being a arld b@stard and born in the year of our run and Tonto joined him for being late and also old.

The trail delivered a quite unnecessary loop up a hill, pointing towards a case of sloppy (nonexistent) recceing then delivered the athletes to the bottom of the actual hill (of Dunnideer) behind the plodding walkie talkies. Selfies all round at the top and a face full of chocolate and back down we went with JC cheering us on to fall flat on our faces in order to make his photo more interesting. 

 Checks had hashers veering on both sides of the fence, Ice Breaker and Sauerkraut running along either side of it (all that was missing were the striped pajamas). There were snogging opportunities a-plenty at several kissing gates which were jumped at by some although others were left spurned (naming no names).

The beer check provided Tonto with a chance to choose his future orchard and the hash canines (and one or two hashers) to pee up against the examples. 

Back to circle up, have a beer and not pay enough attention to the down downs, (and this from a teacher who spends her days telling others to JUST BLOODY WELL LISTEN)

• I seem to recall two Malcolms in the circle and I suspect it was Barbarellas fault – something to do with no one wanting to spend too long in his company. Harsh (but fair?)

• Turns out Fire Flaps was accessory to a bunny murder (but don’t tell anyone) 

• We had visitors in – I know they were from somewhere warm so at that point I got cross and stopped listening – was it South America? 

• Not Dot was berated for not paying up for something – naughty girl (I like her)

• Barbarella was in again, this time for being foolish enough to

a) not get the fact that Sir Deadmund Hillary was jesting about not paying for his meal and

b) then paying for it (again)

We then shivered through a plethora of announcements involving a Race Night in January (see All Because), Asstitty this Thursday (see Struth) and drinks at No10’s this Friday (see Cinders). See you all there! 

 I was then treated to not only a lift home but the aroma of dog sh*t all the way – those pesky hash canines again – bloody dogs

On back,

Fire Flaps

The morning after the night before…….I don’t suppose I was the only party animal looking a bit jaded, but I was the only one to be volunteered (via a push from behind – any guesses who?) to be scribe. Being full of Christmas spirit the pen and paper were accepted with a happy smile although a muttering to Shite Boy Friend may have been heard by those nearby.As AH3 is currently linking run numbers to birth years we are enjoying an easy down-down at the start of each run. Apparently, Toy Boy Tom and Olymprick are the same age as Tonto and All Because. Seems a bit dodgy and this was voiced by The Dutchess who was awarded a pre run down-down by RA, Numbskull.

Run 1959 was a hash with a difference – no trail, just a list of numbered or lettered clues and a map. What could possibly go wrong? Hungover hashers, mostly without their glasses, trying to fathom out clues to take them around the neighbourhood, writing answers whilst on the move. Teams of runners and walkers set off on different routes to test their skills. Much milling around in Cults ensued, until the concept of the exercise finally filtered through.

The clues led us walkers down to the railway line where there was much ado about where to go next; we had already lost a few ….Shite Boy Freind didn’t make it past Costa…whereas Drillbit and All Because dropped in there but felt it was a bit too early in the hash to  be diverted by cake. Our trail took us in an easterly direction for a couple of clicks, and then up to the main road where our party split as half didn’t have very good map-reading skills. On that note, does Glasgow know her left from her right?  Panty Pockets and I were convinced that the green metal fence was on our RIGHT…. then we headed back past the tennis club towards the Cults Hotel where we found the beer and sweetie check.

Back at the hares house the competitive teams were rushing to complete their sheets before the deadline of 1pm whilst the rest just settled in for a cosy chat. Jetslag proved her first class status by summoning some poor soul to bring her a mug of mulled wine. Shortly after there were calls of “Outside for the circle” which was ignored by a few softies who stayed behind glass to watch the proceedings.

Guest RA Sceptic stepped in to award a few down-downs:

·       Sir Deadmond Hillary for his Horrible Histories

·         Wee Willie for leading a new runner astray

·         Toy Boy Tom for claiming to be younger than he is

·         Barbarella for being too competitive and hiding clues

·         Tonto

Back to RA Numbskull for the following down-downs:

·         Visitors and Virgins: Sceptic, The Penguin, Val and A.N.Other (apologies for not recalling name)

·         Quiz Winners - and guess what – a tiebreaker question was necessary to decide between three teams. It seems even hashers that live in Cults don’t know how far it is from Aberdeen.

·         Hares of course for an excellent alternative to following flour, whatever Sir Deadmond Hillary might normally say… and a delicious soup, pork and mince pie meal. Well done guys!

Scribe

Thrupenny Bits

I WAS BASKING IN THE SUN AND TRYING NOT TO BE BLINDED BY THE LIGHT, WHEN THE GM DECIDED I WAS AVERTING HIS GAZE, AND SO WAS AWARDED THE MIGHTY SCRIBE. NOT DOT WAS WISHED A HAPPY HASHY BIRTHDAY FOR MONDAY COMING, HAVING BEEN TREATED TO A SURPRISE PARTY LAST EVENING BY BIGGLES AND FAMILY.

HASH HISTORY WAS DISCUSSED BY SIR DEADMUND HILLARY WITH THE DOWN DOWNS GOING TO SERGIO AND SAUERKRAUT WHO ADMITTED TO BEING BORN AROUND 1958; ALONG WITH MICHAEL JACKSON AND SUPERGLUE AND THE CREDIT CARD THEY WERE BLAMED FOR RUINING OUR PLANET.  THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT SPARROWS BEING EXTERMINATED BUT....

I WAS SOMEHOW TRIANGULATED AMIDST THE ROXY/BARNEY/NUMBSKULL DEBACLE INVOLVING A LEAD AND ME NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH SO HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE HARES INSTRUCTIONS DETAILED IN FETCHING BLUE FLOUR ( MAINLY SOMETHING ABOUT DOGS AND LEADS AND GAMEKEEPERS AND BIRDS)... BUT WE WERE OFF, ON THE ON TRAIL, AND I WAS HALF COAT ON ,HALF COAT OFF, BEFORE CATCHING UP WITH SHIT BOYFRIEND AND AIDS AND NUMSKULL AND THEN DIDNT REALLY SEE THEM AGAIN ...OR MUCH OF THE TRAIL AS I WAS PART OF THE PINK LADY TRAIL, CHATTING CHATTING CHATTING...

THERE WAS SOME DOWN, SOME VERY NOISY GEESE, SOME UP AND A LOT OF SLIPPY STUFF AND BLUE FLOUR STUFF AND BLUE SKY AND LOTS OF CHATTING;THEN WE WERE STOPPED (MY EYES AND EARS TELL ME THERE WAS WHISKY MAC AND MINCE PIES) I WAS JUST WONDERING WHERE I WAS, WHEN I SPOTTED YOUNG CHARLOTTE , AND SOME HORSES AND OH YEA WORKED OUT WE WERE A LA MAISON DE SCABBY ARSE .AFTER A QUICK DANCE UPDATE,WE WERE OFF AGAIN.THE SUN CONTINUED TO SHINE , AND I SPOTTED THE PACK AGAIN SCRAMBLING UPHILL AND THE WALKERS DITHERING; THANKFULLY MRS T CAME TO OUR RESCUE AND OFFERED A PRETTIER TRAIL FOR THE DOGS; SO WE WERE SIX ....AND THE DOGS; IMMEDIATELY WE HAD AN INCIDENT OF THE NON FALLING TYPE...EYES OPEN, WALKING HARRIET; BLINK! EYES OPEN, HARRIET LYING DOWN BASKING IN THE SUN , SAME HARRIET ... ALL IN A DAYS HASH!!!

WE FOUND THE BEER AND WERE JOINED BY THE PACK, SO ALL BOXES TICKED; WE TODDLED BACK TO THE CARPARK. HIGH MAINTENANCE COMMENTED THAT TIA'S TAIL WAS DOWN, HOW STRANGE...CINDERS RETORTED THAT IF HM'S TAIL WAS UP IN THESE TEMPERATURES SHE WOULD SOON HAVE IT DOWN TOO!!!! NOT MUCH CAN BE SAID TO THAT!!!!

LOST PROPERTY WAS ADDRESSED...(SEE LATER.......)

DOWN DOWNS WERE A HAD.QUICKLY;

ALTHOUGH SUNNY , THE TEMPERATURE WAS DIPPING AND MRS T'S FOUR CRUMBLES WERE PROMISING CUSTARD (UNLIKE BIGGLES LACK OF ATTENTION TO DETAIL IN FAILING TO PROVIDE RICE FOR THE CHILLI AND CUSTARD FOR THE PUDDING AT NOT DOT'S PARTY...BAAAAAD BIGGLES) SO DOWN DOWNS WERE ACCELERATING.......

THOSE HONOURED WERE

TO AN ELUSIVE BARBARELLA.....CIRCLING THE CIRCLE...OBVIOUSLY BELIEVING HE HAD BEEN DOBBED IN AND HE HAD....HE IS A TIME TRAVELLER BELIEVING THAT IF ONLY HE HAD BEEN TOLD YESTERDAY THAT HIS MATE HAD LOST THEIR PROPERTY HE COULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO HER ....YESTERDAY, AT THE MEARNS HASH....DOH!

THE TRAINER OF THE UNTRAINED HASHER FOR FAILURE TO KEEP ROXY SAFE....AGAIN......

(CINDERS WAS HEARD TO REMARK THAT SHE WONDERED IF THAT MEANT THAT AIDS BLAMES HER FOR HIS FAILURES?????)

A VERY PINK DOLLY DILDO HAD BEEN FOUND BY A VERY YOUNG GUEST HASHER ON THE RUN AND HER HASHING FATHER WAS AWARDED FOR HIS ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN HOW 'THE TORCH' WORKED!!!! POOR SCABBY ARSE WAS SO TRAUMATISED BY HOLDING SAID PINK DOLLY FOR THE DOWN DOWN EXPERIENCE THAT HIS PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN SKILL OF DRINKING BEER THROUGH THE MOUTH AND EXHALING BEER THROUGH THE NOSE WAS UNVEILED TO AN EVER APPRECIATIVE CIRCLE. KEEN TO STAY IN THE LIMELIGHT, HE WAS FURTHER REWARDED BY MY EYES AND EARS FOR THE DAY....(NOT THAT HE WAS MUCH USE FOR MY

SCRIBE), FOR LITERALLY, LITTERING, THE SURROUNDING AREA WITH NOTES OF HIS BABYSITTING ARRANGEMENTS!  HOWEVER DESPITE HIPPO DOBBING IN MRS T AS THE TRUE CULPRIT, RECOGNISING HER HANDWRITING OF COURSE, HIPPO HAD TO SUBSTITUTE AS SHE HAD GONE OFF TO TEND HER FORESAID CRUMBLES!

MRS CLAUS WAS RECOGNISED FOR HER HIGH MAINTENANCE APPEARANCE;

THRUPPNEY BITS AND SHIT BOYFRIEND HAVING HOSTED A POST MEARNS HASH BASH, DELAYED TIDYING UP UNTIL LATER WHEN A MERRY THRUPENNY FOUND SHITBOYFRIENDS NEW 49 INCH AQUISITION....WELL WHO WOULD KNOW AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH!

BEFORE WE THANKED THE HARES IN THE USUAL WAY, WE WERE ADVISED THAT THE AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WEATHER FOR THE RUN WAS ALL DOWN TO MRS T FINDING TWO VIRGINS AT THE CHURCH HALL LAST NIGHT; APPARENTLY RUBBING TWO 8-11 YEAR OLD VIRGINS TOGETHER,DOES PRODUCE MIRACLES OF SORTS..............................

AND THOSE WILLING AND ABLE WERE ON ,TO THE ON INN A LA MAISON DE ROPERS !!!!

Scribe

SKINNY Witch

Our GM introduced three returners. Hashtray, Big Al and Short and Thick.

I then asked for a volunteer and volunteered Keith Lorelei to help him in the circle.  Asking everyone to take note  As I instructed Keith to bend a knee forward and forward again then the other knee twice, then asked him to put his arms out to the side and gyrate his hips click his fingers and then keep it going just then Elvis Presley’s “ Heartbreak Hotel” rang out from a speaker in the circle. 1956 was this was the year Elvis had his first chart hit. “Great dancing Keith!  Half the circle weren’t looking too shabby either! No video though, darn.

The question of course was;  “Who’s parents were enchanted by and screaming or were disgusted by the hip gyrations and pelvic thrusts of Elvis?”  Those who were conceived or born in year 1956? Wee Willie and Mrs T stepped forward for their down down.

Other historical facts of 1956 were the first Eurovision Song Contest.

IBM built and sold the first computer with a hard drive, it weighed over a ton and was 6 feet square but it packed a punch with a enormous 5 Megabyte memory!

Rocky Marciano retires with a perfect record, unbeaten in 49 professional boxing fights.

I then got the scribe for being Barbarella.

Aids had cleaned his drawers! “About time!” .....Was that Cinders?

Asking the Hashers who wore shorts all year long he selected Long Shanks for a special present of Shetland Hash shorts he had never worn. Long Shanks put them on and it was noticed that Underlay had the very same shorts on. “One shorts wearer drinks all shorts wearers drink! “ Both in the circle someone commented it was a case of; “ The long and the short of it!” 😄 So like two twin brothers separated at birth they drank their down downs.

The Hare JC showed us how the flour worked, causing some hilarity over his arrow direction and then he indicated the direction of the On on. Through the cars through a gate and we were off.

Fire Flaps seemed to be having wardrobe trouble pulling off clothes and shoes as she started round the Hash.

Into the woods we go.

Cinders decided to tell me they had been playing that Elvis Presley song last night on Strictly, Jailhouse Rock. Er? I said it was Heartbreak Hotel in the circle. Well she had the correct singer easy mistake to make.

Then we are out in the open again with a wind turbine very visible above an industrial estate.

The sweetie stop arrived and there were chocolate lollies, where had they found these, they were of a Hare Hasher with his sack of flour in his hand, I kid you not.

A few checks later and a few back checks or wrong paths later for me we came to a log bridge. Just as we spoke about being careful and wasn’t this temping fate, Underlay slipped on the bridge and did well to stay standing. A touch of deja vu! 😬

JC the Hare was giving out some encouragement to Hippo “I knew you would get it right one of these checks!” “It’s the law of averages!”

Hippo not looking very happy returning from the wrong way again said “I get it right one out of four.” he said.

Then the thought was is it just chance or are these front runners addicted to gambling? Is it the case that when the fun stops, stop gambling? As gamble aware would tell you.

Does this explain the number of Hashers who loiter about the checks? Sorry for blowing your anonymity guys.

I’ll continue this later, after my Gamblers Anonymous meeting............Several hours later.

Okay I’m back to write this best seller.

We double back up a hill past a old steading through someone’s Croft with Shetland ponies in the adjoining field, only to find a massive back check, not in distance as you would expect but in length across the track, in fact all the signs in flour were bigger than normal, massive arrows adorning rocks and as we ran back another newly placed arrow into a semi garden and woods beyond. Another check and the gamblers spread out. Three of the FRBs spaced out head up through trees only to find nothing, a little further to be sure, no flour. The FRBs all turned back only to find half the Hash had followed. Hippo and Lang Shanks started bleating like sheep to indicate what they thought of the crowd following.

Over a dyke to still no flour back down the hill On On was called with JC marking the check. “How wrong can you be!? “ was his words of encouragement.

At last the beer check was found. A little later walking back to the cars, new Bruce, yes we now have two with the same name. I think we should call them Bruce to save confusion.

Well his memory is good, he can remember distinctly being a teacher at Lossiemouth and on a weekend they would pile in a 7 seater taxi to go to Elgin picture house for a film night. 1992 btw.  On the night in question the film was was Alien 3.  Bruce who can fall asleep anywhere a real medical condition unlike us old Hashers who nap after a large dinner, Bruce falls asleep in the cinema only to be rudely awakened by Smiler screaming and grabbing his hand as an Alien bites off someone’s head.  Scared him to death! Unfortunately we can’t get confirmation Smiler doesn’t remember the night.  So I guess it’s like the 60’s if you remember them you weren’t really there!

Down Downs,

Shit Boyfriend for managing to be kicked in the nuts while taking a photo of Egg Foo on a swing.  He had been told what would happen but ignored the advice. Actually he was kicked twice in the balls. Some people never learn.

Panty Pockets had an item of torture she had tried to sell on eBay and Gum tree with no success. Let’s give it away in the circle she thought. The RA didn’t miss a trick and decided that anyone who knew what they were should step into the circle, he then proceeded to ask how much they would pay for them.  Empty beer bottles and 1p were offered then Egg Foo obviously thinking the pleasure she could give with this instrument offered £5 GBP.

Well she won and was duly given her ski rack and down down.

Now this proves the power of the Hash circle. It has now been proven more powerful a selling tool than eBay and Gum Tree! Let’s hope we don’t get a tax slapped on us by an incoming Labour government to pay for free broadband for all.😄

Hashtray ( Now to be known as Ex Hashtray as she gave up smoking 20 years ago) Short and Thick and Big Al for returning.

Numskull and Shit Boyfriend, Numskull whacked Shit Boyfriend in the face with a branch full of kinetic energy.

Thrupennybits for saying peach flavoured Coke Cola was normal Coke. Aids said it was utterly disgusting and Thrupennybits obviously thought the same as she had a down down of it.

One liner called in

Shit Boyfriend for looking like an Expanded Snow White dwarf (to lots of hilarity) and Numskull for “looking like having been hurriedly stuffed by a poor taxidermist!” P J Woodhouse quote.

Hippo and Biggles for not caring about their spouses whereabouts when they were not back at the carpark.

Then of course the Hares JC and FIFI for an excellent run.

Then back to their house for chilli and rice, apple and chocolate cake and cream. Yum.

Mostly made up by the scribe Barbarella. The Hash where the truth never gets in the way of a good story.

Apparently, in 1955, the population of the world was around 2.8 billion (2.8 x 109). Now it is around 7.7 billion (7.7 x 109). Some of us have been busy! Known bornees in 1955 were James Dean and John (Canna-dae-that), who got a DD.

For some reason, Vancouver was mentioned and all hashers who had been there had a DD. One Vancouver visitor drinks ………..

Aids announced he had been told to have had a clear out and produced …………..

a beer quiver (wtf?).

Prickly Bush said a bit about the run and signs and stuff and said for walkers to remain behind for the co-hare. No mention of beer check, but hope springs, etc…………. Co-hare didn’t have maps but claimed to be the guide or tour leader - turned out to be neither.

Along the road quite nicely for a bit with sun on back and dry under foot. Then off R into the woods and no sun and not dry under foot.

Came across strange sight of All Because straddling what seemed to be the trail with hashers jumping past him. Closer looked revealed he was acting as a firm anchor point over a raging torrent with Shaky helping to pull jumping hashers up the far bank. As I took my turn, Shaky strangely wobbled shakily and fell into the raging torrent. I got across safely, so that was OK.

Guide / tour leader then led us around a loop and back onto the road at the point where we had left it. So, needn’t have bothered! Whinger and I followed on with me listening intently to the long story about his medical history (again).

Guide then led us back to the cars and stated that the location of the beer check was unknown - Tuh!

A few of us did a No-No and discovered the beer was where Whinger and I had passed earlier. All I can say is that I was so engrossed in Whinger’s complaints that my usually alert beer check sensors had been numbed.

At the beer check, Skinny Witch came over and said “Woof, woof”. For a brief deluded moment I thought this might be some kind of romantic advance, then realised it was a reference to the previous week’s scribe having been Boston. So, mention in dispatches for Skinny Witch and Boston.

Back at the circle for (some) DDs (in no particular order).

- Fi-Fi for bringing a bike and riding around on it

- Myself for stuffing Fireflap’s boot with lamb meat

- Keith for being young at heart and smashing up ice on the puddles - a la Nuggets.

This promptly got him a naming ceremony, henceforth to be known by hash handle of ‘Ice Breaker’

- Me again, for having wrecked another brolley (again) - at the previous weekend Noban

Announcements

- Next pensioner’s lunch, Café Andaluz, 29 November, 12:00 for 12:30

- 40th anniversary, 17 April - see Mrs T for details

….. and now (yawn!!)

Horrible History Lesson for Run 1955 (courtesy of Sir Deadmund Hillary)

Disneyland opened.

The most famous person in the world was James Dean.

Switzerland banned all forms of motor-racing following the Le Mans disaster, which killed 90 spectators. The ban is still in place today.

The TV remote was invented - called the clicker.

B-52 nuclear bomber built. It is still in service and not due to be replaced until 2050.

Rosa Parks was arrested after refusing to give up her bus seat to a white passenger in Montgomery, Alabama.

Numskull

As always, each Sunday during the winter season offers another chapter in my exercise routine, often in the company of canine hash stalwarts such as Sherlock, Rolo, Tia, & Roxy. Our arrival at the OnOn coincided with the spectacle of More Butt eagerly gulping down a mug of light refreshments – ostensibly the first of a package of measures designed to sustain her though the stressful business of packing-up house and family, in preparation for seeking out new hash pastures.

A goodly turnout of sometimes able bodied (but often merely bodied) hashers had assembled in the intermittent drizzle, and in keeping with the seasonal theme, the car park was teeming with witches and wizards. A chief wizard was expounding on the hitherto unsuspected complexities of backchecks. Then, before unleashing the pack into nearby Sluie Woods, the hare, freshly into his retirement, advised everyone that the trail would prove long and arduous.

The slippery conditions underfoot soon brought down Drillbit & More Butt (although in the latter case blood alcohol level was a mitigating factor). Barely minutes into the purportedly lengthy hash, the majority of the multitude found themselves congregating at the beer check - a sure sign of a monumental cock-up. Fortunately, reversing our direction brought us back to a frantic hare, who was able to ‘help’ everyone find the ‘correct’ flour. This soon led us to a dodgy wooden bridge traversing a stream. Glasgow, now almost recovered from her recent falling-off-a-log ordeal was spooked, but fortunately Sir Deadmund Hillary was at hand to assist (as well he might, given the lavish attention and other ‘treats’ he has been receiving on account of his pending birthday).

We’re well used to Drillbit zooming about on his e-bike, but today it was Muff Diver’s turn to steam off ahead of the pack on two wheels. He sheepishly justified this transgression as necessary on account of a painful foot injury. Certainly, given the standard of footwork exhibited at the previous evening’s Midmar Ceilidh, there is a strong possibility that whilst blustering through the Military Two-step some of his step-kicks went badly wrong. Fifi too, was letting the bike take the strain, despite that her alleged knee complaint had not detracted from her exuberance at the aforementioned ceilidh. As befits a faithful companion I spent much of the hash accompanying her on the out-and-return journey along the forest track towards Craiglash Quarry.

Sweeties were available for those who ventured deep into the forest and stumbled upon the sacrificial Warlock Stone. At this point (another) shower intruded, and possibly in response to Wee Willie’s claims of having lost the will to continue, Shaky talked of a shortcut.

Even the die-hards failed to discover the washed out loop up to the top of nearby Sluie Hill, and trundled past Sluie Loch instead, until at last they stumbled upon the Beer Check, which was discovered to still be exactly where they had left it. At this juncture Shaky confided that having yesterday stashed the beverages behind a random rock near some random trees he had been unable to locate it this morning. Fortunately, the hash rose to the challenge, and finding the elusive rock some 40 metres distant from the check, all was forgiven.

When the remnants of the hash reconvened in the car park nearly 2-1/2 hours after setting out, Twizzle slipped into his stride and meted out some down downs:

·      T Rex - something to do with a committee meeting giving him indigestion.

·      JC for running without his fashionable wide brimmed pointy hat.

·      Tonto for running in his fashionable wide brimmed pointy hat (which promptly metamorphosed into a witch’s tit, laden with best bitter!).

·       Sir Deadmund Hillary for his part in prematurely directing everyone to the beer check when it should have been obvious that the hare did not intend those particular spots of flour to be followed until much later. Also, for falsely accusing the off-road drivers of purloining our beer.

·       Wee Willie for losing the will to continue.

·      Smiler for going overboard with the face paint (or possibly not removing yesterday’s make-up).

·      Barbarella for misleading a Harriette. Having misplaced her spectacles at a recent Hash, Tickle At Sunrise sensibly checked with her lift provider to confirm that they had not simply been left in his car. After lashing out £130 for a replacement pair, she unearthed her ‘lost’ glasses the following week from amongst the detritus cluttering-up Barbarella’s car.

·         Hippo & Little Shit for their impression of Tweedledum & Tweedledee

·         Golden Shower on account of sporting an exemplarily clean hash waterproof top.

·         Fifi accused of simply turning up for the circle – however since Twizzle was mistaken in this it resulted in a rebound.

·         Biggles for being here (obviously the RA’s inventiveness was fast fading by now . . . . perhaps the effect of the rebound Down Down?)

·        Shaky for arranging less than desirable weather, losing the beer, his phone, car keys, Not Dot, Roger-me-More, etc

·        Aforementioned Not Dot & Roger-me-More for eventually thwarting the hare’s best endeavours to lose them.

The circle drew to a close as we were re-joined by the coffee club members, and talk of guzzling to be had at Scott Skinners reminded me of my own hunger. Only last week I had managed to feast on some of the hares unused flour, but this week Shaky had proven to be a tight cookie. However, espying that the kindly T-Rex Cock was distributing chewy treats to some of my 4-legged acquaintances I promptly frisked over and made my presence obvious. Alas, my intervention proved fruitless (biscuitless?), and I was left to watch as Sherlock devoured the last morsels. Dejected, I slunk off back to the car – it’s a dog’s life on the hash.

Reminiscences brought to you by Boston

There many privileges associated with the GM's role, awarding the GM the hash scribe is probably the most unusual. But why should it be only the pack that share their literary interpretation of the day's events? Indeed. So here goes...

A good turnout at 11am, seems that all had remembered winter time had arrived this morning. 

Some celebrations to start the day: RA (Aids) awarded Mad King George his 25 run T-shirt, and Pink Panther her 800 run comfy chair (!).

Cockatool & Nae Desperate visited us after doing the 'Illuminator' in Glen Tanar on Saturday night. Twizzle had been spotted on the run, but hasn't made the hash today...

Tonto & Egg Phoo returned after their 3 month sojourn in the US.  Wet Vet returned because he could...

 Horrible History by Sir Deadmund Hillary- Run 1953 was something to do with a big flood in Lincolnshire and Netherlands, also England apparently losing at football.

Nugget informed us that he was researching the oldest living things- so he figured he should come to the Hash...

Hare (yours Truly) confused folk by starting the run in an anti-clockwise direction round Kirkhill Forest. Shiggy, trees, paths, hills, short-cuts, views, sweeties and beer was promised, and delivered. Good to see the usual grumbling walky-talkies happy that their short-cuts were keeping them up with the pack. FRBs were not so happy with the wonderful section of ankle-breaking felled woodland, and hills to climb... but the hash is about more than fun. Though the hare had to stop a few FRBs (Barbarella & Prickly Bush) from short-cutting to the sweetie check.

Shiggy lived up to expectations for some, with Cockatool spreading it around liberally, and showing his cave-man tendencies by dunking Nugget in a particular gluggy shiggy pool. He was happy, he had found the oldest living thing. It was noted that Nae Desperate was particularly good at avoiding Cockatool when it was squidgy underfoot (no shiggy- or flies- on her). 

There were great views up both Hill of Markus and Tyrebagger Hill- or would have been if it hadn't been wet and windy. Fortunately beer check was deep in the forest, so wet beer in a dry forest. 

Most made it back to car park for DDs- search-party not needed for the lost souls- Tickle a Sunrise, Cannae Dae That, Gas Chamber, Glasgow- who eventually had to ask civilians where the car park was. Map reader was apparently Cannae Dae That, who for some reason had left his glasses with Barbarella.

Lots of punishment due, so DDs came think and fast: 

• Being old (theme of the day)- JC, Aids & Golden Shower

• Red Hats- Hippo & Tonto matching twins, so much so that their wives couldn't tell them apart.

• DD awarded to Google from Cockatool- for hiding AH3 website (in Google's absence DD taken by Little Shit)

• There was something about Mad King George and T-Rex Cock failing the glühwein test.

• And Shite Boyfriend for wearing women's nickers...

• Marketing Executive Bruce Almighty overcharging Longshanks for hash T-shirt.

• Cockatool- incurring the wrath of the mother for shiggy abuse  

• Nae Desperate- for being shiggy-free  

• Cannae Dae That- for no glasses and ineffective map reading.

• Grand naming ceremony- we welcome Tickle A Sunrise!

• Hare- another Run of the Year- Wee Willie

OnOn to the Leys Hotel! A good turnout, good food and beer!

Scribe 

Wee Willie

Things that happened in 1952: 

1. Sooty waved hello to our new Queen

2. Tv detector vans roamed our smog filled lands

3. Children were encouraged to eat Mr Potato Head in order to avoid Polio 

 And somehow, time was found to produce T-Rex Cock, Biggles and Sir Deadmund Hillary.

So how does AH3 top that? With a bloody great big hill of course! Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary (Aptly named by GH3. Ed) proved the flour was indeed our friend (although it sadly did not declare the location of the sweeties until I had passed said sweetie stop) and trail led us merrily up to the summit of Mither Tap. Hashers were seen on all fours (not like us) climbing to the top of the rocky outcrop (lots of good bum ogling opportunities) trying not to let the gale force gusts make their descent more rapid than they would prefer. Several ‘proof I was up here’ selfies later and the pack ran/stumbled/edged precariously back down to less breezy climes.

Numskull, Sir Deadmund Hillary and Bruce Almighty greeted us back down at the base at the beer check where Numskull taunted his aneurism by hoicking the picnic table to the ever moving patch of sun and Bruce Almighty was seen in a most unnatural state clutching a batch of softies.

 The important bit:

 Pre-run down downs went to the three old b*stards for the achievement of being fastest sperm, and 300 run award given (Fire Flaps, well done. Ed) to yours truly for being absolutely lovely on all said 300 runs. 

Further down downs after the trail went to the following:

• Barbarella – for bullshit (so I’m told, and who am I to argue) 

• Shit Boyfriend, Drillbit and Gas Chamber for being coffee shop clots

• Struth, Langhanks, Fire Flaps (to name but a few) for being miserly sods and not paying their parking fee

• Numskull – for totally messing up Fire Flaps’s date

• Fire Flaps – for totally messing up her own (subsequent) date

• Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary  – for very cleverly finding his own lost property without realizing it

Our guest RA then arsed the whole thing up (should come as no surprise to anyone) by forgetting to give the hare a down down. However, the new runner (whose name escapes me but I’m sure it’s lovely) was lucky enough to get two.

Many then went on to appreciate the high class delights of Weatherspoons where the delighted echo of ‘my pint was SO CHEAP!’ rang around the building for a happy few hours. 

Flaps 🙂🔛🔛

The following contains a description of events that some readers might find upsetting.

A nice sunny day, considering the weather forecast. Though, a long line of dark clouds to the south, where some were obviously receiving the forecast.

The Dutchess was awarded scribe. Then immediately (and gracefully) awarded it on to a delighted yours truly.

There was a pre-run award and DD to Not Dot for 50 runs. Well done that lady (It was 150 runs, get a grip.Ed).

T-Rex Cock explained the run. It would be a woodland walk / run. Those that didn’t like trails in the woods wouldn’t like it. Those that liked trails in the woods wouldn’t like it. (That’s you banged to rights on both counts. Ed)

So the run set off through the woods. All the way around one side of Cairnton Wood and then back around the other side of Cairnton Wood very close to the outward trail through the woods. Extremely clever. Most thought we’d never get out of the woods.

Some missed the beer check because of the dense woods - well, ‘tough titty’ on that one. (the beers check had been moved according to the hare!!!. Ed)

Back at the circle for DDs (in no particular order).

• A long story about Barbarella and 2nd hand shoes and palming off cheap shoes to other new and un-suspecting hashers and maybe flood or blood or something, during which my attention span was exceeded

• Hippo, for gate crashing athletes being filmed up Bennachie, and admitting to not being one of them

• Aids noted that he had walked in dog poo. There was then a long inquisition to find the guilty party and an Antika was eventually nailed. However, true to any proper inquisition, all dog owners were punished. Hippo sang a song about doggy assholes (see below) - which we all liked (the song, that is)

• Aids then decided to give me a down-down for - ‘not realising that it was not me, but The Dutchess who was scribe, and so why was I busy taking notes and asking everyone “what happed - who got a DD?”’ I noted that, when a lady says “you’re doin’ it”, that’s it - end of ……… and wondered why he still hadn’t cottoned on to such evidential truth by his stage in life. A bystander was heard to utter wearily “So do I, keep tellin’ him”

• And so to the celebrity down-down of the day. Well known TV and multi-media star, Cinders, had received extensive exposure on the goggle box for sucking up to Nicola Sturgeon (yeugh). A well-deserved down-down in my humble view

• DD to the hare for an excellent job done down in the woods [and post run thanks for the usual great hospitality from him and the good Aberdeen HHH Bypass Club lady, back at Sangara.

The Penguin then sadly announced the death of Darwin Don at age of 96. He had recently jumped out of a plane at 12,000ft on his birthday. RIP honourable hasher ††.

 Numskull

….. and now (yawn!!)

Horrible History Lesson for Run 1951 (courtesy of Sir Deadmund Hillary)

 Well, Sir D missed the run so, (yawn!!) no Horrible History

♪ The Doggies' Meeting ♫

The doggies held a meeting

They came from near and far

Some came by motorcycle

And some by motorcar

Each doggy passed the entrance

Each doggy signed the book

Then each undid his asshole

And hung it on a hook

One dog was not invited

It sorely raised his ire

So he ran into the meeting hall

And loudly bellowed "Fire!"

It threw all in confusion

And without a second look

Each doggy grabbed an asshole

From any handy hook

And that's the reason why, sir

When walking down the street

And that's the reason why, sir

When doggies chance to meet

And that's the reason why, sir

On land or sea or foam

Doggies sniff another's asshole

To see if it's their own.

When I told Shiggy Dick I was going to Drumtochty he said, “Wear the fox hat” (boom boom) However I decided wet weather gear was the way to go.

It was a dreich day at Drumtochty Glen but despite the weather a good turnout of hashers slowly amassed at the run site wearing various layers of water proof clothing.   The pre-run down down went to Twizzle who, despite having plenty of wide open space to park chose instead to annihilate the only straggling fir tree on the car park.

Pink Panther duly strutted her stuff in the circle, dusting the puddles pink and getting her plea of “not guilty” in early should us hashers not be able to find any flour.  Her defence being that the trail had been laid the day before in dry conditions.  After a night of rain it was anyone’s guess as to what was out there.  She did however take a precautionary measure and had a whispered confab with a FRB before leading the walkers off. 

She needn’t have worried. - It was a fab trail most of which had us running on lovely woodland paths.  There was quite a bit of undulation and some cheeky checks but overall plenty of pink stuff to follow. 

Post run down downs were duly awarded to

·         Hippo for being careless with his hash hat

 ·         Not Dot for thinking a bit of lippy makes it all right, then preferring the au-natural look after all

 ·         Wee Willie and Hippo for being Alice Cooper Fans

·          Bin Liner demonstrating a new cross-country technique

 ·         Skinny Witch for Mamboing with Muff Diver

 ·         Biggles for being a shite husband and abandoning his fair lady on their wedding anniversary

 ·         The Penguin for being left all alone and forgetting his shoes

 ·         Twizzle, Barberella and Long Shanks – free beer??

 ·         Long Shanks for farmyard frolics and colour coordination

 ·         Golden Shower for being an endurance athlete and insisting of walking home after he’d been hare.

Your ‘umble scribe

Prickley Bush

Question time.

Q1. What exactly is Park & Choose?

A. So, apparently, it is similar to Park & Ride, but offers more environmentally-friendly options such as electric bikes. Pity Drillbit didn’t bring his bike. However, we were all lucky enough to have another choice – to hash ….. or not.

Q2. Who didn’t arrive by bus in time for the OnOn?

A. Olymprick. And to compound his ineptitude with buses he sprinted (?) off halfway through the circle to catch a bus that was going in the wrong direction.

Q3. Why was the hare was appointed scribe?

A. Definite error by the hare, who presumed the GM Wee Willie would not allow her to be scribe when she volunteered. Note to self: never assume you know what a hasher will do.

Q4. How many hashers were not seen after the first check?

A. Three. However, by some miracle, after they had scoffed coffee and fancy cakes in the local café, they found their way to the beer check, where they continued scoffing. Ah yes, of course, they had a map. Note to self: never give Shit Boyfriend a map.

Q5. But surely SB knew where the trail went as he must have helped Thrupenny Bits to throw flour around Newtonhill, or maybe carried the beer to the beercheck?

A. He continues to live up to his name.

Q6. How long will the run be?

A. About 10k unless you did a few back checks or followed Barbarella. Apparently that made it about 14k.

Pre-run down downs went to three older hashers who were born in the year of the hash, or two years previously.  Dad Dad, Bag o’Bones, Panty Pockets.

A great turn out – including two new runners, and several old runners who came out of the woodwork. Had they heard that it was going to be a sensational run around the fringes of Cammachmore and Newtonhill?

The map shows where you were, or weren’t. Unfortunately the slugs had had a good feast on the flour that was laid on Saturday – that’s my excuse anyway!

 Down Downs were awarded by Aids to the following:

Bin Liner                        Dog abuse

Longshanks                  not considering twenty pence worth bending down for …  And being a hero and saving one of the new runners

The Penguin                  who brought along Lean against the Wall but then forgot about her

Glasgow                         for thinking the Craft and Ale trail by bus would be easier to do by car, not realising the Craft part of the tour was alcohol, not arts and craft.

Olymprick                      wearing a rugby shirt

Shit Boyfriend               for his contribution (or lack of) towards the haring of the hash

Jen                                 new runner (although already a PAH3 member)

One Liner then took over the role of RA to award the followinDg down downs:

Dad Dad & Fiona              caring daughter looking for sugary drink at beer check for diabetic dad and failing to find one (Fiona’s hash handle remains unwritten)

One Liner                       won a Liverpool scarf at a recent event and offered it to the assembled circle. Bin Liner showed interest for his son. Sergio was quick to shout out: One Liner drinks, all iners drink!

Bin Liner & One Liner   for the above

Next Hot Flash               suggested (and received) a down down for Threesomes birthday. Already a day late as Brunei is hours ahead in time

MCB                               for being recently married but not wearing a ring

Thrupennies                for haring a splendid run. On her own!

Thank you all for coming along and saying you enjoyed the run…..!

The fun continued at the nearby Brewers Fayre.

 The first run of the new hash year.  A small number of dedicated hashers, and quite a few dogs, assembled on the headland car-park north of Collieston harbour, sheltering from the wind.  So, winter draws on.  More of that later.  Sir Deadmund wasn’t among them, so the 1947th run went horrible history-less.  As well as being the year soft toilet paper was introduced to Britain, 1947 was the year that Britain’s coal mines were nationalised, so here’s my 1947 NCB joke:

 “What did Mannie Shinwell say when he saw the NCB sign put up at Seaham pit?”

 “Mine!...arll  mine!!”

 They’re still laughing at that one in Seaham.  

 Pre-run down-down went to Bin-Liner for being conceived.  It seems true hashers are born, not made.  Longshanks told us that some of the flour might have been washed out, but we had to head up through the village.  The village was a jumble of deserted holiday homes, with a lot of plate glass, looking a bit sad and desolate.  The trail led up and south of the village on good grassy and whin-dust paths, round the loch onto the sand dunes.  A lot of sand dunes.  Sand dunes as far as hasher could see. Well as far as Muff Diver and I could see as we clambered up to the top of particularly large dune. We saw a line of runners heading off south-westish, and a line of walkers snaking south along the cliff-tops. (How to have all the fun of the hash without actually running the trail.) So, a left-hander with a loop back along the cliffs. We short-cutted to the cliff path, but, having to plough through deep heather (but no prickly bushes fortunately!), the walkers beat us to the sweetie stop, which turned out to be a whisky stop, on the headland overlooking Hackley Bay.

The sun came out. So we had a pleasant time watching the runners coming up along the cliffs, and round the bay. ed in by One Liner and the Hound of the Baskervilles, aka Barney the dog.  We guessed who most of the following hashers were by their gait.  In tests, 8 out of 10 hashers could tell the difference.  A swift run back into the bay to Collieston harbour, past the ice cream parlour.  Why was still open when most of the holiday homes weren’t let?

The beer stop was Longshank’s car boot parked next to the harbour.  How did The Penguin get there before everyone else? While Sherlock dug holes in the sand and fought with Boston to fetch driftwood from the sea, and Barney tried every member of the pack to throw his special stone for him to retrieve, hashers stretched out around the harbour.  Some relaxed more than others.  S****y W***h was saying she was having big problems keeping her knickers on these days: the elastic and the flimsy material just weren’t staying in place.  H**h M*********e thought she’d have been better off when knickers covered your arse, rather then the other way round. 8 out of 10 hashers disagreed. (Their husbands, before you ask.)

Longshanks whipped up hot chilli and a vegetable curry he told us he had his harem of AirBnB ladies ad heated up for him.  Longshanks ladled great scoops of each from his thermal pots and asked each of us how many dollops we’d like. JC said “I'll just have one please.' Longshanks reassured him, “It's OK, you don't have to be polite.” “Alright,” said JC, 'I'll just have one then, you long streak of piss.” At least this meant there was enough for everyone, and there were a lot of “oohs” and “aahs” and requests for the recipe.  (Yes, even in the Google age, people still do this.)

Why don’t we have the circle right here in the harbour? Why not.  A first for AH3? An event so spectacular, a passing photographer from the Ellon Advertiser recorded the event for posterity.  As the RA, Cannae be Arsed, had disappeared, the parcel stopped with One Liner to complete the formalities - he probably just wanted to take credit for the change to warm weather however. 

Down-downs to:

·         Barbarella for trying (and failing) to teach Barney to follow flour.

·         Hippo for having Rollo steal his hat  -but in doing so, we saw the sun glinting off his shiny new shoes, and ended up drinking out of both – as he’d bought them both at the same time!

·         Fireflaps for not realising that Barney was being led astray on the trail, and for leaving his lead at the whisky stop

·         Lorelei for wearing a 10K running vest – no racism allowed in AH3!!

·         and to Longshanks for a fine run - run of the year (so far!).

Longshanks tried to persuade us to visit his AirBnB harem’s place of business. I made an excuse and left.

Pip! Pip!

T.rex Cock.

The sun shone as around 40 hash stalwarts piled off the bus at a secret woodland location, somewhere near Dunecht. We were welcomed by GM Wee Willie, who introduced Big Jim, long time AH3 hasher, visiting from his life in Perth, Oz. The weather gods smiled on us, courtesy of Olymprick, who got everyone going with a rendition of “Sunshine Mountain”.

The hares, that dynamic duo (?!) Twizzle and Long Shank promised us all a great longish run, with whisky macks and view stops, along with slightly confusing Twizzle instructions about running through a back check to get to the short trail.

On On we started, up through St Mary’s woods which Twizzle informed us will disappear in  3 weeks, and he got special permission to run there. The hash slips, trips and flips were evident when Sergio managed a handstand trying to stop sliding into a tree, and Skinny got stuck in branches that had to be climbed over along the way. My vote went to a topless Hippo, making the most of the weather (nothing to do with impressing the ladies he said!)

The trail continued on up through the woods, bringing us out to the splendid views from the trig point at the top of Hill of Fare. We were treated to whisky, Crabbies, ginger ale and some welcome water. (That was the last sensible drink I had all day…). Great chance for multiple hash group photos for all the Facebook followers.

We all headed off downhill and through the woods, later on to be met by Underlay who had overstretched his hamstring and headed to the bus, along with Fifi and Sir Deadmund. JC, Not Dot and I stuck with the whole trail, and emerged into the sun at Sunhoney Farm!

The bus driver parked up, out came welcome drinks, and hash circle ensued. Various down downs were given, including a knobbly-knees vote off, which was won by Big Jim with his “alien sticky knees”. Flaps got a mention for starting the newest hash – PAH3, which is Portlethen Academy Hash House Harriers. Now she’s got an even bigger reputation to live down as she’s got teachers and pupils chasing her around on Wednesday afternoons.

Into the circle stepped Olymprick, eating humble pie saying that he had doubts beforehand, however both Eurohash and Nash Hash had been very successful events, organised by Aberdeen hashers. Down downs went to Little Shit, Sharnie, Hippo, Ballerina and Flaps taking one for Cockatool.  Down downs to Twizzle and Long Shank for a great run.

Onto the bus and On Inn to Hippo’s garden, we all sat drinking our fill in glorious late summer sun. Hippo took BBQ orders, including some spicy black pudding, especially for Flaps!!  Wee Willie gave his GM’s thank you’s to all hashers who had set, hosted and run hashes this year. His stats, before he got soaked by Canna Be Arsed, were:

Each run averaged 35 runners, money in AH3 bank account at start of year just over £1,500, money now in bank account approx. £2,500. Surplus mainly due to less drinking, more driving at hashes, leaving a good amount in hand for Aberdeen 2000th in August 2020!

The AGM got started, with One Liner doing his familiar stint as MC, with Brexit references and occasional calls of “Order, order, order” John Bercow style, to the assembled hashers. Thanks and Down downs went to the outgoing committee – Wee Willie, Aids, Sharnie, Twizzle, Pink Panther, Golden Shower, Roger Me Moore & Little Shit.

·         Incoming AH3 committee for 2019 – 2020 are:

·         Grand Master – Wee Willie

·         Joint Master – Cinders

·         Hash Cash – Glasgow  (thanks to Sharnie for her great service)

·         On Sec / Edit Hare – Little Shit

·         Head Hare  – Pink Panther

·         Hash Beer – Drillbit, Muff Diver – (Not Dot for gluhwein)

·         Soc Sec – Grande Vitesse, Not Dot

·         Song Master – Bag of Bones

There followed a selection of Down downs, which due to my enjoyment of the whisky, Crabbies and cider earlier, plus fizz and wine at the On Inn were something like:

·         Hashit – to JC for setting his “falling off a log” run in June

·         Best Run and On inn – T Rex Cock and T Rex Hen

·         Wettest run – JC and Fifi, redeemed by lovely hot food

·         Best Runs / Scribes – Twizzle, Longshanks, Rats and Muff Diver

·         Worst Scribe – Hippo (does everything else, but not scribe), Barbarella

·         Front Running Buggers at AGM run – Hippo, Barbarella

·         Front Running Babes at AGM run – Cinders, Bag of Bones

·         Get a Life! Over 1,000 runs – Hippo, JC and Little Shit

·         Most hares that year – Pink Panther, Twizzle, Wee Willie

·         Falling Over – Sir Deadmund Hillary, Little Shit and Wee Willie

·         Shit Happens – Little Shit, Sharnie and Hippo, having to climb over gates to get into Nash Hash, which they were organising!!

·         AGM hares and On Inn – Twizzle, Longshanks and Hippo for splendid BBQ food!

After this, it gets a bit hazy – my scribbles have something about Ballerina giving down downs to Sergio, something about cycling, and Hippo having new shoes.

All too soon, we were back on the bus, heading for home after a brilliant day of hash fun and frivolity. All except for Haggissimo who woke up for the AGPU at 9.30pm!! Olymprick was last seen in Perth bus station, having slept through his stop in stonehaven!

Cheers and On On!

Struth

At 11:00 on Saturday 7th September a select few people gathered for an Oor Wullie Hash

 The circle was brought to order and Horrible Histories were thrust upon us.

The end of WW2, in Germany, with Eva and Hitler committing suicide in their bunker.

The first atomic bombs dropped on Nagasaki, Hiroshima

Microwave oven invented.

The rest of the beer can DownDown was awarded to Big Jim for returning, because Aids did not want to drink it this week.

Golden Shower was awarded his mug and DownDown for 250 runs. (Well done that man, Ed)

 Over to the hares, only one (Red Stripe was missing).  She got the blame for there being no Beer Check nor Sweetie Check on the run.

 The small pack then set off to find Oor Wullies. 

After a very short run 21 minutes the pack arrived back having not seen a trace of any Wullies, they must have been collected in the night, or stolen.

As this was the shortest run in AH3’s history, I believe it is my duty to make this the shortest Scribe in AH3 history.

DownDowns

·         Golden Shower arrived 20 minutes after everyone else, was awarded a downdown for trying to find a longer hash.

·         Big Jim for running the last 100 yards.

·         Biggles, NotDot and Big Jim for looking stunning in their clean, black, 200 run Sweatshirts.

·         Pig Iron then corrected Sir Dedmund on his Horrible History.  Something about his birth year, the atomic bombing and microwaves all being connected. Google it if you want.

·         The Hare Haggisimo for setting such a short run without Wullies, Red Stripe must have them all.

·         Golden Shower, Sir Dedmund and Barbarella for representing Mearns Hash on this joint run?

 It was then on to the coffee shop or the Globe to watch the rugby.

 Your Scribe

Tiger Feet

Since our GM Oor Willie forgot to bring a pen, he announced that he was looking for a young, fit hasher with a good memory for the honourable job of scribe. No risk for me I thought and kept on talking, but I couldn’t have been more wrong  and got the job. Although I was a bit proud to fit his description, I am also realistic enough and I put it down to his road running accident or of course, a case for Spec Savers.

02nd September was the last Monday run of the year and even the weather gods were on our side: after wind and drizzle during most of the day it got a bit warmer towards the evening with the sun coming out to suit the occasion.  With ca 40 hashers it was another busy event with one newcomer, ‘Left or Right Tit’, he wasn’t quite sure, but we’ll establish the real nature during the following runs. There was also a returner, the first meetup recruit, quite a young blond girl with frisky hair.

The run by Prickly Bush wasn’t too prickly but very nice through the undulating woods south of Banchory starting at the Falls of Feugh car park. It was a real cross country run almost entirely on soft ground, possibly a candidate for the best run of the year? Although some back checks were quite nasty, but we managed, particularly if you went the opposite direction of Barbarella. He had the nag to get it wrong almost every time, particularly towards the end, when we ended up on a road and he went together with Tim just opposite to the way in. First the hashers followed quite sheepishly, but realised the mistake after a while and turned round. A GPS can be handy sometimes.

The hares provided some nosh on the run side and soon after we started the circle with the hash history. Since we didn’t want to get stuck in the woods due to nightfall, we postponed it to after the run. And a wise decision it was. Our history man didn’t go for well-known world moving events in 1944 (e.g. Royal Air Force gunner Nicholas Alkemade fell 5,500m (18,000 ft) out of a Lancaster bomber without a parachute over Nazi Germany and survived, or  the escape of 76 Allied officers from Stalag Luft 3 (well known as the ‘Great Escape’, or of course D-Day as the 156,000-strong Allied Expeditionary Force lands in Normandy). No, the history man kept to rather intimate details of hash insider stories and was proud to announce that ‘The Penguin’ was born in 1945. After he realized that he was a year out, our witty historian elaborated further and calculated even without an iPhone that, although his birthday was in July 1945, it was highly likely that he was conceived on 2nd September 1944. Wow, we were all speechless, including The Penguin. No wonder our history man is a highly sought after consultant all over the world. Our Pink Panther had also a birthday last Saturday, so she joined The Penguin for a down-down. 

Apparently 2 people got lost lately, Twizzle in the borders region, and our Captain, you guessed, in the sea. It was the Southern Sea I was told, a big enough water body I presume to lose sight of the coast line. I can’t remember what Twizzles excuse was, but I suppose it was too many beers.

Blagger got a down-down for almost getting the mountain rescue alerted and Olymprick for forgetting a motorcycle helmet, which was given to him to safe keep. Bruce Almighty and Olymprick announced the demise of an old Aberdeen hasher , Ken, God bless him. Of course the hares got a down-down too.

I may forgotten some sinners since I didn’t get a pen and, though I am still young of course, but possibly not as young as our GM had in mind. And I had to go for some private business, when I got a shock of a life time. It was pitch black by then and I found a suitable spot, when the girl with the frisky hair showed up out of nowhere. I composed myself and she was a bit anxious, asking me where we are and explained that her boyfriend wants to pick her up. I was tempted to say west of the Isle of Skye, but could refrain and gave her the proper location much to her (and her boyfriends) delight.

Well, that was run 1944, and on-on to our AGM coming Sunday, your scribe of the day Sauerkraut.

HASH FLASH!

I heard some distressing news whilst out on the piss on Friday night (Pink Panther’s 3rd 40th Birthday drinks at No. 10 in case you’re wondering).  Apparently, Gusset (aka Herr Clipboard) recently reported Twizzle as MIA (Missing in Action) – as he hadn’t been home in two weeks that is perhaps not altogether surprising!

Twizzle was reported as having been spotted in various locations across the length and breadth of Scotland, but was eventually found wondering around, glassy eyed and looking dazed and confused, somewhere in the Borders. (his normal state. Ed.) He didn’t seem to know who he was, where he was or what the f—k he was doing there. However, due to his confused state and his total lack of co-ordination his rescuers were pretty sure they’d found the right bloke as that fitted Twizzle’s description perfectly.

He was in time returned to the bosom of his family who, as you can imagine, welcomed him home with open arms!!!

Anyway, now that he has recovered somewhat, it seems that, provided he is on his very best behaviour, he’ll be allowed out to a hash event once every other year!

As he is hare for AGPU A-B run, I assume that he’ll be sneaking out under cover of darkness next Saturday to set it!

Anyway, Twizzle – do hope you make it out. Be good to get a hand with the down-downs and you never know you may just be up for an award yourself. I have to say that it sounds like outstanding hash conduct to me and in the very best spirit and tradition of hashing away from home.  Well done (I do hope it was worth it and the scars heal soon!)!

The run:

It was a run, in the sun (mostly) on a Sunday and it was fun.  Enough? No – apparently not.

Small select group turned up and managed to squeeze into a very tight car park.

Pre run down-down went to Aids for having done 1050 runs (hurray!).

Sergio said was short run and set the pack off then handed maps to the walkers (4 between 7 of us and we still managed to take a wrong turn!).

Walk was nice though over some of the same very rough ground as the runners on the main trail. Several fallers but fortunately not Wee Wilie who was nursing his broken rib (after falling on the Aberdeen 10k last week he got up and carried on to record a PB – what a hero!). Guess the runners trail was okay also as no complaints.

On the way to the beer check picked up The Penguin who had snuck back to the cars. Beer was near a standing stone, which looked like a huge knob (no naked druids dancing round it though).

Back to the circle for a few down-downs and then an excellent spread laid on by Sergio (better than Subway).

AGPU – is next Sunday – get your nominations in for awards now!!! Send suggestions to Wee Willie or Aids.

Your Scribe

Aids

(Posted late as it got lost in the ether. Ed - 'morning, LS.  I notice that my Scribe report for my run 1941 on 19 August hasn't yet been published.  Maybe you were too busy with UK Nash Hash, maybe you thought that the report wasn't worth the electrons it was written with, or maybe you wondered why I was the Scribe.  Not sure on that one myself - Orienteer refused so somehow Wee Willie with Aids support gave the job to me!)

Anyway, here it is to record the awards that were given and to fill a gap in the Scribe reports.  

TBT

 GM Wee Willy welcomed visitor Wild Cat.  RA Aids presented awards to:

·         Roger Me More (200 runs fleece) and

·         TBT (350 runs quaich). 

(Well-done those Harriers.  Ed)

 Aids also reminded Hashers to send in their nominations for awards – such as “Best Run of the Year” - for AGPU.

 The Hare, TBT, eloquently introduced the run to the Pack, and asked Sir Deadmund: “What is the significance of Run 1941?”

Sir Deadmund explained that it was in 1941 that cartoon characters Tom and Gerry were created, and that they had won more awards that others.  Award winning: an omen for Run 1941?  Tom was modelled on the good British Tommy and Gerry the bad German Nazi.  What learning can be gained on a Hash!

Sir Deadmund also announced that the significance of Run 1941 was that Dutch Cap was born in 1941.  A down-down for Dutch Cap for that.  The significance for Run 1941?  It was going to be good: Dutch Cap is one of the fittest!

Good Hare TBT set off the pack, who, with feet whizzing like cartoon characters, sped off along the trail, coming back together, as cartoon characters do, in a cloud of noise and mayhem after various back-checks and falsies.

Now, of course, the role of the Scribe is to objectively give a fair and balanced report on the run. 

So, how can the run be best encapsulated in this Scribe Report?

Well, the Scribe can only in all honesty report comments overhead from many of the Pack, indeed by maybe even more than who generally want to hear the Horrible History, that Run 1941 could well be the “Best Run of the Year”.  The “Best Run of the Year”.  What more needs to be said?  Except, vote for it at AGPU!

But, wait, could there also be another award nomination for AGPU for Run 1941?  

In the Closing Circle, RA Aids gave charges in his usual entertaining way, including a vivid portrayal of his and Cinders’s encounter with Golden Shower and Bruce Almighty at a bus stop after the latter had been whiskied up at the MH4 AGM.  Undoubtedly it was a very accurate portrayal, both verbally and acted, of the slurring and staggering duo!  RA Aids at Run 1941: the “Best RA of the Year”!

On! On!

Yours, tongue-in-cheek as always,

Scribe TBT

 All started well.

Smurf kindly offered to keep the Haggi Baggy in safe keeping.

We circled up.

Knowing the significance of R*n 1938 the finest hash regalia was dug out from attics, basements, back o the wardrobe etc. The hashers were then asked to name their 'Mother Hash' and unsurprisingly there were some far flung places mentioned. All captured on video by Sir Dedmund.

And then the Sh*t Hit The Fan.  LS 'awarded' me the Scribe jacket and horn.

 Oh F*ck, guess I’d better r*n (I was going to anyway as it was 1938 after all). Honest.

I made it to the first check. Soon after finding myself on higher ground, looking down on the pack, I smugly smiled to myself knowing that I was on a short cut.

 I found a back check and ignored it .. Coz that's what experiences hashers do ... right??

Wrong, I was soon lost but vaguely new the area so wondered aimlessly until I came across the river crossing. Markings were not kicked through so I waited ... and waited ... and got fed up waiting for the pack.

So I kicked on ... and got lost again ... found trail again ... ignored another checkback ... got lost again ... maybe I should've checked down the stairs at the last check ??

By this time I’d been wondering aimlessly for about 2 hours and becoming dehydrated after the afternoon pub crawl with Olymprick. I was up a hill so I headed downhill, found the City Centre and headed for The Ship Inn. No hashers to be found and since I had no bag meant I also had no money or keys. No option but to sit on the harbour wall and wait.

Just as the mild panic set in a saviour arrived by the name of DrillBit. Saviour 2 arrived soon afternoon, my afternoon drinking companion, and I was reunited with the Haggi Baggy.

In 30 years o hashing I've never missed a circle (honest guv) and to do it on r*n 1938 was indeed a Right Cock-Up.  Several hashers by the name of Flaps thought I'ld abandoned the hash and found a pub.  So lacking anything suitable to write I turned to my hashmates.

Olympics meagre offering is as follows;

BA and O were first to the beer, without a map.

The two new girls fell for it when we chanted,

"next to the skin".

The Penguin was somewhat more helpful.

Pre run words from The Penguin to explain the significance of the year 1938 in the hashing world, how the Hash got it's name HHH and note of how it has grown today from that simple beginning.

Recognition by Haggisimo of the varied extent of Mother Hashes of the present membership of AH3 to prove the worldly aspect of hashing today. Some rather old t-shirts had been brought out from the basement or loft.

This was indeed a good run. A wander through Dunottar Woods, down hill to town, along the boardwalk to the harbour, up the cliff towards Dunottar Castle though most shortcut via the war memorial then by road to the old radio station for the beer stop and back home. It was predictable if you know Stonehaven and shortcuts were inevitable. (Ed's note .. even I know the trail went there ... we saw it from the car in the afternoon :-)

It was also made all the more enjoyable by the good weather.

The Circle was fun and varied thanks to the input and involvement of many.

I can't remember all the down downs but Ballarina's story about Hippo was hilarious.  Hippo had been cycling for miles hoping for a beer at various hasher's homes only to find no-one at home. He finally found Ballarina at home quite happy to join in some beer drinking but forgot that dinner was in the oven and eventually ruined.    

Shit Boyfriend was in for something but I can't remember what.

Somebody had wet his trousers but again I can't remember who.

This is why Hash Scribe should be in the circle with paper and pen to note things as they happen. The memory fails after 24 hours.

We had a toast to the passing if Kenny ex P of W (Ed - who hosted Ass Titty for many a year).

DD to leavers Hardcase and Dynamo who were leaving for Perth WA the following morning.

I hope this helps but will be in touch if I remember anything else.

Hopefully Olymprick can recollect more.

Good luck.

The Penguin

Ed ... lessons learnt

1) respect the backchecks

2) don't be a smartarse and try to find the trail by car

3) don't go on a pub crawl before the hash

4) make your way back to the circle any which way but lose, especially if your dosh, keys etc are with another hasher.

ON... ON....

Your scribes

On a near perfect mid Summers evening, with the temperature poking a respectable 24 degrees, an eager hash pack of seasoned, new and returning hashers assembled and formed a near perfect Summer Solstice circle, impressing GM Wee Willy very much.There was a near unanimous rejection of the horrible history of 1937, however Sheikh (Sir) Deadmund (Hill-ary) latched onto the feint voice of a lone hasher that may have said yes. Who was that hasher? 1937 was the year of the Hindenburg passenger airship disaster, which caught fire as it attempted to dock on its mooring pole, at a US Naval Base in New Jersey. It was destroyed within 30 seconds. 36 died in the tragedy and remarkably 62 survived. Prior to this the Hindenburg had made 10 successful trans Atlantic crossings in 1936. Post Circle Comment: Goebbels had unsuccessfully attempted to rename the airship the Adolf Hitler. It was alleged Aberdeen buses are now adopting similar hydrogen based technologies. Taxi!

Pre Down Downs

1. Newbies - Always great to see & welcome new faces at the Hash and four newbies were shepherded into the circle for intros and welcomes: Eveready’s daughter (name missed) and lively dog (Jonah), Matthew, Gillian & Brunei Hasher Seldom Bens with Pickle the dog (Pickle was later to show a healthy disrespect for the Hash with 2 vomits after eating grass - OnOn)

2. Returner Tony was rewarded, woops didn’t catch where he had been or his Hash name - Editor! (I don’t have the hearing capability, so generally make it up. Ed.)

3. Summer wear was prevalent from the Hash fashionista’s and AIDS nominated Roger Me More to receive the Summer Style award down down. Work it baby.

4. Noted, Eveready’s last day of plaster cast - though no down down.

 Hare Stuff

Watch out as there are real runners in the Park, also lots of horse shit, a combined beer and sweetie check. 4 spots of flour all placed on the left hand side of the trail and you’re On and no idea how long the run is. Noted that flour may be scarce due to heavy rain last night. Quips were heard about Barbarella’s I’ll fated run last week. Surely not 2 in a row was the murmur?

Hash 1937

It soon became clear that last nights heavy rain had indeed taken its toll on the flour trail and at times needing a keen eye to spot the friendly flour. Some fake news shouts led the pack heading in the wrong direction a couple of times early on, causing front runners to become front walkers and keeping the pack together. The lack of obvious flour led to comments of follow the horse poo, 4 wiffs and you’re On. The general confusion allowed the hare to move ahead of the pack and lay a fresh trail for us to follow for a while, making life easy once more. Some Abandoned car seats provided interest half way round. After completing another yet another clockwise loop of Hazlehead golf course FiFi was prompted to muse if this was a Northern Hemisphere plug hole phenomenon. Blagger took her Hash shoe off to clear stones, but it was taken up the trail by a care free cheeky hasher - maybe One Liner? Back in the Park wood carvings of spiders, squirrels and the Gruffallo with friend mouse were found. The latter being particularly attractive for impromptu Hash photo shoots. Oor Wullie was spotted too, the cartoon one.

In the aftermath ELO’s song Confusion was recalled by One Liner...interesting lyrics

Everywhere the sun is shining.

All around the world it's shining.

But cold winds and rain blow across your trail.

Confusion--it's such a terrible shame.

Confusion--you don't know what you're sayin'.

You've lost your trail and you just can't carry on.

You feel there's no-one there for you to lean on.

Discussed the Nash Hash red dress run with Struth and she rather generously offered scribe (Long Shanks, nee Shags) her red dressing gown for the run. First fitting this weekend).

The walkers were not named and shamed in the circle, however it was noted by the hare MoreButt that 18/22 chocolate bars had disappeared or been hoovered up by them - surely not walkers? Or should that be scoffers?

Little Shit, the hash sage mentioned there is a correlation between good weather and hash run of the year, so who knows!

Post Run Down Downs

1. Last week some people pissed off before the circle, taking some hashers belongings with them. You know who you are - down down to follow

2. A horny Harriette was shamed for taking sneaky photos of hot roofers - Thruppenny Bits was brought into the circle and only the fittest & finest male hashers were summonsed into the ring to strip to the waist for Thruppenny’s entertainment (Matthew newbie. Papa Smurf, Toy Boy Tom, Ballerina, Tonto, Little Shit and the Penguin were then judged out of 10. Thruppenny Bits finding Matthew newbie to be the hottest on show with a sizzling 7/10, narrowly pipping a slightly miffed Papa Smurf on 6.5/10. The Penguin came up the rear on 2/10, but that’s still better than Shit Boyfriend, lol.

3. Twizzle called out the Hash phone user who can’t leave it alone. Said hasher called his mum during the Hash and was duly reprimanded with a down down. The shameless Barbarella video’d himself with a live feed of his down down to the all too familiar tune of ‘he’s useless...’

4. Jonah and Pickle new Hash dogs were made welcome. Established Hash dog Boston ‘more than a feeling’ introduced himself to Jonah by licking his dick in front of AIDS, who didn’t know where to look. Fee Fee took the down down on behalf of her adventurous gender fluid spaniel

5. Threesome new dog Pickle (handler Ben), returner Barbarian and Matthew were given down downs for being new

6. One Liner made it to his first Monday Hash this season and marked the occasion by wearing the same tartan shirts as Twizzle

7. Orienteer (Mrs Freeze) was given a Down down for stripping down to a rather revealing 2 layers. It was hot though!

8. Hash hungry and tanned holiday makers Not Dot and Biggles jetted in from Minorca to Home at a quarter to 6 and still made the Hash. Down Down well deserved. Biggles was later to show off his tan line with a change of under garments next to his car, cruelly exposed to the public as scribe drove away.

9. Twizzle picked up that rather a lot of grumbling was going on trail. The chief grumblers were routed Cinders & Tonto made the Gruffalo look happy. Down Down.

10. AIDS once the pinnacle of sartorial elegance was down down’d for wearing a loosely fitted long T-shirt some say looked more akin to a tent.

11. Hare MoreButt given a flour management lesson by AIDS - flour on trees make lasting relationships.

Announcements:

8th September - AGM / AGPU at Hippo’s. Committee positions would be open. Wee Willie asked if people would pre-consider a post. (Struth queried if hashers would finger a position on the committee).

Nash Hash - Toy Boy Tom and Ballerina need a Nash Hash volunteer to assist him guide walkers through a trail. A Friendly face preferred to guide the weary walkers away from wrong turnings.

Next Aberdeen Hash by Underlay - Donnoter Wood, Stonehaven.

Cheers

Shanks of great length

Hash Trash 15 July 2019 Run 1936

All started well with a horrible history relating to Alan Turin, the Enigma machine, and the new £50 note.

A sunny evening brought out a good bunch of Hashers.

Soon it was over to the hare and the usual Barbarella bedlam started. 

There was a short walk, a long walk with an emergency shortcut, a medium run and the regular run set at 12km. What??!!. On a Monday night?!

Oh, and the beer stop wasn’t in place yet, had he even bought it yet or was it set in a dodgy area?

Within minutes the pack was separated trying to find the flour.

After a good 10 minute faff around , Wee Willie, Mad King George and myself worked out what was going on and continued last (or so we thought). We ran along the river bank , continuously stung by nettles. We emerged near the cars and followed the straight-across arrow into the cemetery where we linked up with more lost Hashers. Tonto did a right turn up Mugiemoss Road and called On-On. The trail wasn’t in the cemetery at all. We set off in pursuit around the housing estates and at this point I found myself losing the will to live!

The smell of Mike’s fish 🐟 and chips 🍟 was too much for me. I’d hadn’t eaten much all day. So I knocked the run on the head and ran towards the chippie. On the way I discovered I hadn’t been last at all. I met poor lost souls Underlay, Twizzle and company who had been all the way to Seaton Park. I was able to point them in the right direction but Underlay thought my chips plan was a better idea and joined me for a munch.

In the chippie I got a call from Sir Deadmund Hillary. He informed me he was lost at Lidl on the roundabout in Bucksburn.

High Maintenance , Glasgow and Jetslag were in Lidl shopping. Jetslag bought a big roll of cling film. presumably for disabling the hare if he ever returned.

Chips finished , I followed Twizzle’s lead and drove home, knowing the pack were unlikely to return any time soon. So £3 for a run which wasn’t worth 3p. We had been promised a sweetie stop with Whiskey MAC and Gin and Tonic. A beer stop as well. None of this materialised anywhere near me.

Maybe the pack reformed at the end and everyone had had a lovely time on trail? 😆

I have no clue what happened in the circle at the end but I hope there was a suitable punishment!

Muff Diver.

An unusually large AH3 pack gathered on a dry summer’s evening in the car park for Echt AFC. I lingered too long by my car sorting out the dog whistle, dog lead, doggy biscuits, etc and found myself unjustly handed the Scribe horn and vest. Aids held forth in the circle asking who thought they might have done 25 runs. Although a large number of hashers volunteered to accept a new t-shirt, the pre-run down-down and t-shirt went to Papa Smurf instead.

The Hares informed us the trail was 5 miles long with sweeties near the beginning and beer near the end but no short cuts (that’s impossible, I thought). Th ere was reportedly a map for walkers. The pack set off eastwards and the walkers gathered round to inspect the “map” – in reality a cartoon bearing little resemblance to anything on the ground. Being one of the walkers, I have no idea where the trail went and the runners were apparently dismayed that no horn accompanied them to guide them.

The walkers had a stroll through the new housing estate, across the fields, past the sewage works and round the wood – ahh, except for Olymprick, who decided to skip the sewage works and wood and thought he would nip down the pub for a beer. The pub doesn’t open on a Monday though..…..

After imbibing beer in the Hare’s back yard, the walkers ambled back to the cars, where they were joined, in due course, by the runners.

Down-downs were awarded (and apologies to anyone I’ve missed, but there were an awful lot of them) to:

Roger Me Moore – for her recent birthday (25 again!)

Glasgow (Log Lady) – for her strange reluctance to cross a little wooden footbridge to the sweetie check

High Maintenance – for leading Aids astray on the hammock at the beer check

Ballerina – for putting alcoholic beer in the non-alcoholic beer crate

Olymprick – for asphyxiating a shrew in the course of taming it

Wee Willie – for falling over a log, but worse, giving the hash horn to a walker

Yours truly – for explaining how intelligent Boston the springer spaniel real ly is (Aids didn’t buy it)

Smurf – for not only taking part in a Triathlon at the weekend, but then winning it

Smurf – for awarding Kudos to Ballerina on the Strada app when he posted his epic 1 min and 11 secs cycle ride (maybe you need to have the App to appreciate that one)

Fireflaps – for castigating her child (Nuggets) for cutting the sleeves off his t-shirt

Olymprick – the Palestine, for not having heard of Ali Bain or Phil Cunningham

George, Tongue Lasher, Tonto and Hello Sailor – for being Absent

And finally, the Hares.

The On-Inn was held at the Hare’s ab ode where I’m sure some excellent grub was served.

After the welcome speech from the Grandmaster Wee Willy, the scribe was allocated to Dutch Cap. Then there was an announcement that Wee Willy got his 350th run and as a token of this he got a mini quaich. Just to show the AH3 appreciation for reaching the 350th run. The quaich was filled with hash beer, which is not the type of fluid you   should drink from a quaich. Wee Willy just poured it into his mouth and that was it.

Shaky was all covered in flour and directed the run to the forest. The runners and the dogs run off to where the sound on-on came from and Twizzle led the way for a while. Although it did not rain any more, the runners got wet by running through the wet bushes. After running for 3/4 hour, the trail went to the river Feugh where the beer stop was. Plenty drinks available for the runners and the walkers and plenty river water for the dogs. Another 15 min running back to the on-in.

In the circle the RA was directing the down-downs to several runners. One of them was for Dutch Cap for loosing the Hash Horn and he got another down-down as being too fit for his age. So he better slows down next time.

OnOn

Dutch Cap

A hearty welcome was given to the two new runner Dutch Golden Shower and Bruce. 

Dressed up for the occasion was Eveready as Primrose Paterson, Haggisimo as Oor Wullie, Red Stripe as Minnie the Minx and Fireflaps as the Teacher.

Everyone was reminiscing about our loveable spiky haired loon Oor Wullie and characters from the cartoon strips of their youth - Fat Bob, Wee Eck, Soapy Soutar, pet mouse Jeemy, girlfriend Primrose Paterson, PC Joe Murdoch and parent’s ma and pa (Tam) from his hometown of Auchenshoogle.  When planning his latest hash, he sits on an upturned bucket in his wooden shed.  In a recent survey he was voted Scotland’s iconic and favourite son, beating William Wallis, Shaun Connery and Rabbie Burns.  So, when discussing run number 1931 don’t forget to mention that he was born on this very hash.

Pre-run down down went to Haggisimo for being dressed as a chicken at Fireflaps Graduation party on Saturday night.  When asked why he was dressed as a chicken he said, “I am compensating for Cockatoo not being here” but he is the teacher’s pet as he was given a badge saying so by Fireflaps.   

The bucket trail almost became a whisky trail at one point.  The hares took their time at 4 hours to set the run because each time it rained; they went into a pub for a drink.  

This is a charity run supporting “The Archie Foundation” on the Oor Wullie’s BIG bucket trail, which was launched today in 5 cities, over Scotland; Aberdeen, Dundee, Inverness Glasgow and Edinburgh.  The checks were the life size Oor Wullie sculptures and photos were taken beside each one.  

Mixed weather on the Monday evening brought out all the enthusiastic runners.  They were “Celebrating Hope” as they sped off down the road at a fast pace, crossing the road to the first Wullie.  No time for a selfie as they ran for Aberdeen glory to “Wullie Miller” beside the Bon Accord Centre.

They felt great pride as they headed for “Rainbow Wullie” at the rainbow steps.  Then a bit rough at the”Roughneck” at Skene House.  

“We all Scream for Ice Cream” at Marischal College but we had no time for Mackies as we passed the water feature with a hash rendition of “Singing in the Rain” …. But I think some of us felt as if we still had “Many Rivers to Cross” to get to the finish.  

Then on to the “Oor Big-Hearted Lad” at the Aberdeen Art Centre, “Oor Roadie” at M&S, “Floo’er Wullie” at the Green, where there was plenty to see.  We admired the Nuart, Lego and miniature toy mannie on the ledge and “Oor Cabbie” at the train station.  

We then quenched our thirst at the bear check “The Grill” before a short run to the On Inn at “The Globe”. 

Down downs

The drama of last week’s run was the topic of conversation throughout the evening when 5 or 6 crossed the log simultaneously, the log then rolled over causing multiple injuries.  The hash kept A&E busy with 2 broken wrists, broken ribs, concussion, black eyes and wood splinters in leg.  Before it there had only been two broken bones over the 35 years of hashing.  The wisdom is when crossing/mounting an obstacle cross one at a time.  

• First down down went to Eveready “The Fall Girl”.

• New runner Dutch Golden Shower and Grand Master Wee Willy for both running with the Assen hash which was founded by Haggisimo.

• After a long time searching for a property, Panty Pockets and Bag O’ Bones bought a residence they can call their own in Banchory.

• Panty Pockets for wearing a short skirt (her pelmet) at the party on Saturday and rocking until after midnight.  “The Rocking-Bitch”.

• Bruce Almighty for arriving at the end of the hash.

• Crabbit Quine for snogging behind the bike sheds after the party on Saturday but she can’t remember with who as there were so many!

• Numbskull for the masterful long speech at the party which went on and on “The Lecturer”.

• Fireflaps for the shortest skirt of the night “Smart Pants”.

• Barbarella “The North East Champion break dancer”.  No sign of the worm as he proceeded to show off his dead fly or a cockroach with epilepsy impression.

• The new runners Dutch Golden Shower (Godden Douche) and Bruce.

• The hares Haggisimo and Red Stripe for an exceptional run but with not enough barbed wire fences, flies and Oor Wullie’s.

 A big thank you for the buffet served at the Globe courtesy of Haggisimo.  

The Orienteer

The below may win a prize for being the shortest and least informative Hash report in the history of Aberdeen HHH.

So I’m double spacing and writing it in a large font to fill it out.  I’m also typing very slowly as I know some members aren’t fast readers.

Good turn out on a pleasant June night in Monymusk, Deer Park!

2 new runners whose names I omitted to get.

(Note to self; perhaps if I’m cr@p at this, I won’t have to do it again.   Although, it doesn’t seem to have stopped other people).  (Practice makes perfect. Ed).

Presentations were made to:

• Struth (800 runs, take a rest. Ed) of a personalised folding chair and,

• Hippo for 1111 runs, a  XXXX of a drinking hat, a pensioner stroller, a monogrammed cycle jacket and the biggest hip flask I have ever seen.  Rumour has it that it was modelled on the Queen Mother’s personal one.

Run got off to a good start.  However a new hash event was soon discovered to join those old favorites of Heading the Shot and Catching the Javelin of Falling off the Log which took Eveready, Sir Deadmund Hillary and Glasgow for an impromptu visit to Aberdeen A&E.  Where Sir Deadmund Hillary’s condition was described as “Satisfactory” (Glasgow asked for a second opinion).  Unfortunately, Eveready and Glasgow had a broken wrist each as there was a special offer on.

Those remaining made an effort to drink the out of date beer at the Beer & Sweetie stop; JC insisting that is was still palatable.

 Down Downs awarded to.

·         Hello Sailor – visitor (possibly long term) from China.

·         FiFi – managed to get lost in a Monymusk housing estate on the way to the hash.

·         Long Shanks – managed to find the start of the run that is schedule for two weeks’ time.  (A miserable reason for tuning up late. Ed)

·         New Runners – for being virgins.

·         JC & FiFi – good trail, apart from the dodgy log and deep ditches.

See below for more A&E adventure stories.

In best Tradition the rest of the Hash carried on with a successful run and then on in to a warm reception with glorious food at JC and FiFi’s house.

Where JC’s Birthday was celebrated in true style.

Scribe

Canna-dae-that 

1930 splinter group 

As there were two separate runs tonight and we didn’t have the nominated scribe with our group, I thought I should chip in and do the honours.

Early on some of the runners decided to follow an Alternative Route Idea (ARI) instead of sticking with the main group, some would say they were barking up the wrong tree, but they would not be told. 

This involved the use of tree cars being used, one being dropped off at Sir Deadmond’s house until it was established he was fit to drive. It’s beginning to sound like an A to B run but no it was an A,n,E run. On arriving at the start point the root map was consulted Glasgow and Eveready decided on the direct straight line root, and Arlene kindly tagged along to keep an eye on them as did Eveready’s daughter.  Sir Deadmond took the long root. The other hashers, Thrupenny Bits, Panty Pockets and Shite Boyfriend hung around at the start point waiting for them to complete the trail. 

While waiting for the runners to return we chatted idly, and raised more than a few eyebrows at some of the people that frequent this run site. In fact we were grateful that our runs are held on Monday night rather than Friday or Saturday!! 

After a long wait Sir Deadmond rejoined us even thought he had taken the long root according to the map. He seemed normal, well as normal as he gets anyway, and fit to drive. Although we were assured there was no beer check on the run Glasgow and Eveready still got plastered and weren’t going to complete the run for some time. Knowing they were in good hand T Bits and I decided they had all been barking mad and it was time to go home!

On a serious note, get well soon girls, take care x 

Shite Boyfriend

Whinger cycled to Crathes, arriving early to avoid any possibility of a latecomer’s penalty of becoming Scribe.  Then had the misfortune of standing next to The Penguin in the circle when the GM’s attempt to make him Scribe was fended off with the lame excuse that he was going on holiday (what, with no iPad!).  Whinger’s attempt to claim that he was also going on holiday was ignored by the GM so here we go, with lame excuse to family that I’m too busy scribing to help out with anything.

 Horrible History lesson from Sir Dedmund was about the Wall Street Crash of August 1929.  This brought to an end the belief that untold wealth could be generated by giving up the day job, borrowing $Ms from the bank and buying stocks (so a bit like buying dot.com stocks in the 1990s then?).  There followed the Great Depression of the 1930s and it took 25 years for the US stock market to recover to pre-crash levels.  

 New runners John and Davina were dragged into the circle for the usual very brief introduction and told that they would be well looked after on the run - eh?

 Twizzle got the pre-run down down for it being his birthday, said he was 29, then admitted to being 66 although looking a lot older.  Much much younger Harriettes then joined in to celebrate birthdays, Smiler admitting to being 21 again and High Maintenance 45, yet again?

The hare did the trail flour demo stuff to confuse the new runners, giving the check symbol a new name -  a “regrouping point” - and then pointed On On with his elbow, rather than other parts of his anatomy that he doesn’t know his elbow from.  

Flour soon led us from the first check into Crathes Castle grounds, whereupon trail chaos soon set in, 3 or 4 trails interspersing, with runners meeting other runners coming from all directions.  The hare couldn’t understand all the complaints, said everyone was following the wrong trail.   Eventually, after several circuits of the Lake, on-on was called and the pack headed East.  But without the Scribe, who, having been left way behind at the Lake, took a short cut across two fields and two fences to lead the front runners as they approached the castle car parks.   From here the trail soon split: < walkers - runners >, so here the Scribe had enough of front running and took the walk trail past the castle and on to the beer check.   Thanks to two harriettes with better eyesight the beer cache was soon found and the Scribe had first choice of a good selection of beers, a Specked Hen, great! 

Back for the after run circle when down downs were given to:

• ·       Whinger - for not seeing that his Specked Hen at the beer check was clearly labelled as LOW ALCOHOL, this despite his recent cataract operation to improve his eyesight.

• ·         Hippo - a Tight Git for having tatty old bits of carpet in his new shaggon waggon.

• ·         Drill Bit - something about having erections in a tent having not had one for 50 years.  Little Shit had some take on this but I lost it.

• ·         Shite Boyfriend - got day wrong for big event of new mattress delivery.

• ·         Kilt Walk - well done to 7 hashers who took part.

• ·         Eveready and Ballerina - for thinking they were buses and going over the old Forth Road Bridge, with £50 fines.

• ·         New runners, John and Davina.

• ·         Stoner - something about being a failure at drinking, despite all the practice.

There were announcements, one about a fundraising event for Home Start and also for Fire Flaps graduation party on Saturday 15 June, all welcome, see website for details.

Scribe

Whinger

Well its taken over 2 months to get this written up but here goes.

My fault for being late to the circle thought I knew where it was and found out I did not, so arrived flustered not quite last and Wee Willie promptly enacted revenge for me giving him the scribe a week or say back. So moral is don’t be late, early or be too conspicuous as you could be rewarded by the honour of scribing the trail.

Arrived after leaving office 1st paid work for year! Then picking up my final offspring and dropping him off back to the nest, I’m now off hashing. Problem is now need all I need to do is get out of office togs into Hash uniform and off to Kintore what could go possibly go wrong! Yep On On was on way to Kemnay, oh no its going to be one of those nights.

Now several hashes later T Rex is still badgering me to write up the epic evening. So here goes, hopefully the fiction is close to fact.

As I arrived after the circle had started, I missed the opening address etc. The Pre-run Down down awarded by Numskull as stand-in RA, was awarded to the mistress of the 4 legged canine that claimed the circle centre, it could easily have been Fifi but, it was someone else Clare Canna do that! Did I get that right?  If I pull another can now, I may edit this bit out! the truth might just come back!

Then over to the Hare. It was a balmy night threatening precipitation and warmer than normal so a fair turnout for the treat of this week and possibly the most creative hash for some time. T Rex was as mysterious as ever with descriptions of spooky wood, open wood and bare wood as though we had a paranormal link to OS or goggle. Then he followed this up with a triffid sweetie stop and a non-triffid sweetie stop followed by a beer stop am I making this up it really did happen. I recall it was 3 spots and On but it may have been four or more!

Well this was new territory to me and probably most of the hash, T rex smugly indicated the direction and we were off sniffing out the first spots only the spots took some finding and led to a what seemed a mile long back check. This caught most of the pack except for numbskull and some other walkers or hobbler’s who were briefed with the secret runes. Well cunningly disguised was the check that we all missed it, typical hash sheep and now it was to be broken but no another back check again before the relief of on on at last called from somewhere in the woods. But where was JC, TBT and most other FRB back to the check now marked and off to next checks. Confidently JC set off in one direction completely wrong, I bet on toy boy tom and that was also wrong he reappeared pursued by three athletic harrieriets, he must have been wearing that Lynx deodorant or was it insect repellent.

Well spooky wood loop crossed roads and twisted back on itself. Flour laid was cunningly disguised and after an hour we reached the Triffid stop. Yes, John Wyndam must have visited this spot in the 40’s because the giant plants were really alive or looked like maybe a leftover alien invasion? Of course, the promised crumbs of comfort were hidden in a green bag amidst the Triffids. Alas, the brave soul who plucked up the courage to brave the poisonous barbs retrieving the green bag has now faded from memory. The sweetie stop was a welcome relief to get to and amply supplied we were pointed almost back in the direction and once again entered spooky wood to a few false trails and eventually reaching a check close to the road. The trail in the wood looked very promising after all who would have laid trail down a road? Yes that was it, so by the time we exhausted the attractive paths we returned back to the circle to find it laid by the side on the road. JC horn by now was well lost, rumour he reached Kemnay or was it Kintore. The reminder of the FRB and non walkers in the pack retraced ourselves through more cunning in checks in the Open Wood ? checks to reach sweetie check two, the non-triffid stop. After further energy replenishment the bewildered pack followed the trail across some open ground to a clearing in the wood where a newly born baby dear was discovered alive on the ground. Several harrieret’s swooned and the hash dogs were suitably restrained from sampling live venison. I am always surprised of those that always seem to carry phones so there must be some pictures? Hopefully, bambi’s mother was brave enough to keep a watchful eye and would return to claim her offspring. Well the trail continued through more checks in yet another wood tis time the bare wool loop at last to the beer stop. Well provisioned thankfully as its now 2 hours and 20 mins since we set off. A quick swig and then we are only about 250 m from the On On.

It was clear that some of the Hash had been here for a while and once we all got back  a circle quickly commenced. Now comes the scribes dilemma of trying to recall what happened next. Being the RA as well so who got down downs and trying to remember why seems to have escaped my undecipherable scribbles So never let the truth get in the way here goes:

Down Downs

·         Alice who the F**K is that

·         Toyboy Tom

·         FIFI

·         Numskull

·         JC

·         Barberella could also have figured here

·         New runners whoever they were?

·         Visitors

·         Hippo

And finally, the hare T-Rex Cock and co hare John.

Now just when you begin to think this night was all over you are wrong despite it being nearly 22:00 T rex advised that T-Rex Hen had prepared a steak pie back in the hen house. What a surprise feast was laid out a giant pie that desperate dan would not have managed, It was simply huge and so tasty at least 2 sq ft with new potatoes and vegetables, followed up by rhubarb crumble No worlds would do justice to quality of the pies and the generosity of the hosts an amazing feast to end a superb trail. By now it was raining hard but who cared we were warm our bellies were full and the wine flowed shame we had to drive. My vote for run of 2019 a very hard trail and ON INN that will be very hard to surpass.

Scribe: Twizzle

Turning-up two minutes late was never going to end well, even for the GM, so hence these good words (I blame Smiler’s plumber- arriving unannounced to fix the plumbing on a hashing evening is never acceptable).

Gathering as usual in Stonehaven Square, pre-run DD from our illustrious RA Twizzle to Thrupenny Bits, for 950 runs or thereabouts (well done that Harriette! Ed). Two new runners, one young one old(er), and happy to report they both made it back to circle.

So, OnOn along the beach, an enthusiastic Cannae Be Arsed leading the pack, catching-up with walkie-talkies, short-cutting as usual. Muffdiver in charge of High Maintenance’s mutt, which was spotted petrifying local hounds.

Route took us past the tennis courts, over the road, past the field where Stony Beer Festival will be (note to self- get a ticket). At this point Fire Flaps lay on a bit of a display, or maybe it was Bert (as was near Mackie Academy)- fire on trail! Do not fret, Fireman Sam and his friends turned-up, and no doubt put it out, but us hashers didn’t hang around to find out, we had trail to find.

Classic hashing terrain followed, hill, forest, nettles, bog, shiggy, slippy, water (to be crossed twice). Excellent route. Crabbit Quine reported to have lost a shoe crossing first burn. TBT enjoying the wet stuff, enticing others to follow. Bit hazy after this, I must have been talking to folk and/ or not paying attention. I do remember Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary shortcutting to avoid the shiggy.

Memory kicked-in again with the big hoose, looking very majestic. Prickly Bush spotted running back from off trail, a bit risky, but decided to follow her on the assumption she knew where she was going.

By this point I was pretty far behind, muscles complaining after my exploits on BH 10K on Sunday (60 minutes 52 seconds, since you ask) (Still beating your age then! JUST.  Well done. Ed). Found Golden Shower & Biggles, where there are hashers there is surely trail.

Followed Redstripe’s advice and headed for scout hut for the beer check- much to the janitor’s surprise, no hashers here, but he made a mean cup of tea. It transpired that beer check was behind the scout hut somewhere, so go there, to find no beer. So onon through Stony, including a rabbit-warren of streets, including going past Fire Flap’s house, no hashers there, obviously we’re now banned.

Following the pretty River Carron to the town centre and beers. Did you know that Stonehaven, like Aberdeen, has two rivers? Carron in the south of the town, Cowie Water to the north. And we saw both on the hash today.

Before DDs Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary insisted on sharing this week’s horrible history- did you know that by 15 years of age you’ve seen 200,000 murders? All on TV of course. So this is all to do with TV starting up in 1925. So now you know.

DDs (as this point writing becomes undecipherable, so may have missed some...)

Haggissimo & Olymprick - something about drinking coffee, or maybe it was not drinking coffee

Prickly Bush- for getting wet

Crabbit Quine - for being a crabbit quine and hence a new naming and for bringing Josh to the run.

T-Rex Cock- for the usual well-serrated legs

Twizzle- tale about Suzy locked in a shed- not sure why he didn’t give himself a downdown for this.

Muff Diver - eating curry at an inappropriate time, 6pm………..

Hares – Fire Flaps Crabbit Quine & Bert. An excellent run (how do you know, you didn’t follow trail!  It was an excellent trail, well done. Ed.)

Hash naming ceremonies:

Emilia- now forever to be known as Crabbit Quine

Luke- welcome to Luke Shitewalker

Thanks also to Drillbit & Sharnie for distributing hash beers & downdowns.

OnOn

Wee Willie

(Scribe)

It was a mild sunny evening, perfect for a hash, so why did the GM have to spoil it by picking on me to be scribe. A ridiculous choice, picking on a cripple, riddled with sciatica and hobbling about on two walking sticks. How the f*** could I make notes about the run while holding a walking stick with my teeth. But hey ho here we go and forgive my geriatric memory. The pre run circle welcomed a new runner Gemma, and two returners whom we had not seen in a long time, Cannae be Arsed and Orienteer.   Awards were supposedly given for reaching a number of runs ending in “50”, but the only awards were down downs for Little Shit (1350 runs); JC (1050 runs), Shaky (250 runs), Sauerkraut (100 runs).  The only person deserving an award was Sauerkraut; I hope he gets his tee shirt!!

The hares gave the usual speal regarding flour and then we were pointed “on-on”. Through pleasant woodland behind the Business Centre.  Now as afore mentioned your scribe was hobbling along with walking sticks at the rear, so never caught up with anybody nor saw any activities /misdemeanours on which to report.  I did however see Drill Bit ahead of me hobbling along slightly faster on his crutches; and Barbarella was seen running back to the start to help poor lost Blagger who had arrived late. 

Regarding the actual trail, the pleasant woodland start to the run was soon temporarily spoilt by a stretch along the A580.  But then re-entering more woodland, the rest of the run was glorious scenery, woodland paths, meadows and grassy tracks. Excellent location and very well planned trail. The hares had excelled themselves with their patented flour dispenser. The flour circles, W’s, R’s and arrows were like thin painted professional sign writing.

I believe the beer check was behind The Barn Arts Centre. But your pathetic scribe never made it that far.  I spoke to Bruce Almighty and saw a few others who were retuning back from the beer check and realised I was too late.  The on-in trail confused quite a few geographically challenged hashers ( including your scribe) who missed the car park and started repeating the start of the run again!

At the Post Run Circle the horrible history significance of run 1924 was given by Sir Deadmund Hill-ary. It was on the very year of 1924 that Mallory climbed Mount Everest but whether he made it to the top we may never now because he died on the way back and his body has never been found.

Post Run down downs were given to:

• Sir Deadmund Hill-ary: For bringing an MH4 signpost to an Aberdeen Hash.

• Smiler and Orienteer:  Hashy birthdays.

• Gemma: To make the new runner feel welcome.

• Barbarella: a down down drunk from his new shoes.

• Orienteer: Arrived late, just as the pre-run circle was forming and managed to nip into the prime parking space next to Hash Cash. (so why wasn’t Orienteer made scribe ??)

• JC: For arriving on time last Monday, for the first time ever, and confusing every bodies time keeping.

• Sauerkraut: For temporarily leaving the circle.

• “Rocky Horror ??”  For being a lovely person and for not having a handle yet.

• Bin Liner: For getting a walking stick jammed in a crack.  (To un-boggle your mind, that’s a crack between paving stones).

• Biggles,WeeWillie, Red Stripe:  For being our gallant drivers on the Easter challenge and getting back in time to attend last weeks Hash.

• Blagger,Babarella, Hill-ary, Olymprick:  For sloppy car parking.

• And of course the hares Struth and Red Stripe.

Your humble scribe: (No its not Whinger) just whinging Bin Liner.

WARNING - Fake news!

The following contains description of events that some readers might find upsetting.

A relatively small band of runners due to Easter Challenge finishing Monday afternoon in Inverness (3 hr drive back to Ab). Thought I’d be only one on the run with a brand new EC 2019 body warmer, but Rats was there with one and two others turned up for the circle (Muff Diver and Shaky) - rats!

Bollock cold compared to Loch Ness area, so needed two body warmers.

One new runner, Lucy, who seemed to be an experienced young lady - had hashed in KL (at least).

One award (50 runs) and pre-run DD to Panty Pockets.(well done that Harriette. Ed)

Then, a long story from Pink Panther about the pink flour and dots and circles and arrows and stuff. I lost interest, except heard it was a short run ‘cause of getting dark early (oh! goody! - ‘cause of sore legs from EC).

I managed to get a walkers map, and Bruce Almighty helped me to understand it (especially the beer check bit), then promptly kept it and left me mapless.

At this point, a lunch time curry was making a nuisance of itself, so I headed straight for the Co-op petrol station up the road from the Treetops. All petrol stations have toilets, right? - not this one! Think I remember that from another occasion many moons ago. Ok tho’, hung on to the Treetops. Relief, then a quiet rest in reception to sort Plan B.

Head for beer check, I suppose.

Bumped into Bruce Almighty coming from the other direction and found Pig Iron and Panty Pockets sitting on park bench at Walker Dam with a big pink ‘B’ in a circle, and seemingly uninterested in beer. Took stalwarts, me and Brucie, (Bruce Almighty and I. Ed) to find the stuff (oh! and a fair complement of Easter eggs). Soon joined by most of runners and walkers, and got a couple of good group photos courtesy of  Little Shit (see fb).

…….. and so to DDs (in no particular order). Head RA, Ballerina

-          Fifi and the The Dutchess for not paying attention (The Dutchess afterwards claimed I did that to her once)

-          Athlete (Alistair - no handle) for wearing a Stirling Triathlon shirt

-          Ballerina for leaving his boot wide open with hash beer at start of run

-          Sharnie for being a clipe and telling the RA on him

-          Muff Diver for being a two timer on EC and pushing another lady’s bike uphill

-          Lucy for being a new runner and hashing in KL

-          Annie Bollocks for being a returner (or something)

 At this point The Dutchess grabbed a body warmer off me for herself (but did I complain?).

Click here to vote: YES / NO

-     Hippo was summonsed into the circle. Ballerina then started throwing lots of cycle inner tubes into the circle at Hippo. This to make it clear that punctured tyres will not be accepted as an excuse for not turning up for a hash (or something). Lord knows where Ballerina acquired so many tubes (they were all punctured)

-    JC for picking a fight with a tree and coming off worse (apparently turned head left to blow horn - and tree on right hit him!). He promptly blamed Pink Panther for setting a run near a tree (or something)

-    THE HEROES, who did their bit (or something) on EC – Muff Diver, Shaky, Rats et moi (Numbskull. Ed). What a team!!

Thoroughly bollock cold by now, so skipped On-inn and went home with The Dutchess for chilli omelette and beans. Hey ho!  …………. Oh! and nice glass or two of Portuguese plonk.

Judging by the post run photos, it was quite a nice run through (bollock cold) pleasant leafy suburbs. Suppose I should regret having missed it, but you can’t have everything!!

It was either (A) do the run or (B) leave a curry at the Treetops. Which would you have done?

Click here to vote: A / B

Numbskull

So, mid-April yet bloody freezing. The joy of hashing in Scotland.  Hence “volunteering” to be scribe, as then I got a windproof, if flappy, yellow vest as an extra layer.

Experienced hashers so a nice, short-ish (4 miles) run.  Nothing too complicated to confuse us (not that it takes much). 

So, to the run.  An early back check downhill (ie uphill on the way back) got all but two of us.  Cinders standing chortling as she watched the penny drop, and us trudge back.  Nice views of RGU across the river.  Some pretty running territory through daffodils (I’m sure there is a poem about daffodils – Wordsworth?).  Through the grounds of a Camphill Community I didn’t even know was there.  This was the only point of general shambles when someone who will remain nameless looked ahead and decided a check was actually a back check, so we all went the wrong way(s).  Lovely amble through the woods.  And an excellent selection of sweeties and chocolate at the sweetie stop (note to all those setting runs – a sweetie stop should be mandatory).

Anyway, all very pleasant and not too taxing.  Lots of down-downs, from the entertaining to the “get on with it”. 

T-Rex Cock for self-harming (cuts on his legs – how come no one else had any, just what does he do on a run!?)

·         Numbskull for having the wrong kind of belly button (too big a tummy) for piercing

·         Skinny Witch and Thrupenny Bits for being sexist

·         Olymprick for falling to co-hare the last run

·         Grand Vitesse – various misdemeanours pronounced (unintelligibly) by Twizzle.   I’ve no bloody idea what he was going on about.

·         Ballerina and Smurf for being over-active in the days prior to the run (long bike rides – including, somewhat oddly, biking to Westhill for fish and chips when there are lots of chippers in Aberdeen)

·         To mother in laws – again no idea why

·         Fireflaps for graduating onto managing small boys

·         Hares thanked, etc

And, sadly, the last mulled wine of the season.  No mulled wine once we shift to Monday nights (although why not given it will still be bloody freezing over the summer?).

OnOn

More Butt

New Runners: Alison and Alistair (spellings to be confirmed!)

ReturnersThreesome, like a bad penny!!

Horrible History: Something about an infamous Aberdeen prostitute, that certainly seemed to tickle The Penguins fancy!!

Scribe: Something to slow down Super Speedy Smurf!!  Plus, the vest matched her trainers, which clearly warranted a down down!

On On:

- Drillbit warmly welcomed a new runner to the Hash Pole Club; Bin Liner

- The V was for view, not a Roman numeral for the number of hashers to stand in the check!

- A lot of sheep like hashers calling out “Baa” but also continuing to follow the pack into the abyss!

- Barbarella overly concerned for the safety of new hasher Alistair, spent most of his time looking for him! (he was with Long Shank!  Ed.)

- A false sweetie stop near a rather comfy looking bench encouraged Red Stripe and FiFi to take a very unhashlike mid “run” pit stop!

- JC joined our Mothers’ Meeting and told us tall tales of burning his shortbread that morning!

- Wee Willie was less than impressed with the prospect of moving to Brunei after finding out that you can only bring 12 beers or 2 litres of alcohol into the country! Definitely not suitable for a hashers daily quota!!

Down Downs:

Map Readers – Numbskull very helpfully gave Bruce Almighty a map to help him find his way on the trail, unfortunately it was for last week!

Wolverine – Gloria was wary of more slips trip and falls, protecting her other wrist decided early on to call it a day.  During the down down Elf and Safety officer One Liner rushed in to ensure there were no more casualties and bent down to tie Ballerina’s lace! Chivalry is not dead!

Arse Cream – Eveready having fallen behind due to her sore arse was offered some “Arse/Ice Cream” to cure her ails by a very helpful Yorkshireman!

Pretenders – Haggissimo and Bin Liner were doing their best impression of runners on the trail

Losers – Barbarella lost his bonnet and Olymprick came across yet another 60 inscribed item of memorabilia!

Acrobat – Haggissimo somehow managed to, in true hasher fashion, take a tumble but ensure all his beer was safely kept in its drinking vessel!

Zombies – Whinger, Drillbit, Numbskull and Bin Liner have been dead for years but are still unawares!

Final Remarks: Numbskull offered to pay the drinks bill again at the Zombies Lunch this coming Friday, if it’s written down it must be true…..

Your ‘Onerable Scribe

Smurf

The Hash gathered next to the A90 near Kingswells in sunshine - a smaller pack than usual due to the lure of a Mearns Hash away-weekend. After a Hash history from JC about the American constitution (featuring Votes for Women and Prohibition) pre-run down-downs were awarded to: -

Penguin - for his 1050th run

JC - for too much Hash History

Smurf – to slow her down as she is displaying an alarming predilection for extreme sport

After a long explanation of flour-arranging, back-checking and a warning that it could be a long way from the checks to first flour, the Hash set off Westward. Before long it became apparent that we were heading towards Brimmond hill. The gorse in the distance was spectacular in full flower as we wound our way towards the heathland, with hashers discussing whether it would smell more of coconut or pineapple once we got there. The SCBs split off round the side of the hill below gorse-level while the rest of the pack surged forward along the (very) narrow trails and concluded the best way to admire gorse was from a distance. After several back-checks and false trails in the direction of Brimmond mast from the South, Southwest, West and Northwest, which seemed to fool the FRBs, Little Shit, Hippo, Rhona and Mustafa more than once, we found the real trail approaching the mast from the North side. Barbarella appeared to be recruiting talent for his home hash-movies in the woods. He emerged waving his phone surrounded by ladies (VOTES FOR WOMEN!!) complaining about the number of ‘Takes’ required before he was satisfied with the shots. The mind boggles!

The sweetie check was predictably at the trig point, where the SCBs and the rest of the pack re-merged. There was a frenzy of picture-taking at the sweetie check – selfies, panoramic views, more movie shots and something even more complicated for technophile Sir Deadmund. Eventually the Hash moved off back down the hill following the power lines. Fortunately the trails on the East side of the hill were wider as they wended through the gorse. Finally left the gorse field and entered woodland where we could start to hear the sound of the A90 in the distance (good clue for those ancient hashers whose eye-sight wasn’t up to spotting flour). We came across Olymprick sitting on a stone - this caused some subsequent confusion as none of us realized the stone had a check marked on it!  Having emerged into fields and spotted the A90 only half a mile away, many Hashers thought the show was pretty much over. However, JC had one further surprise up his sleeve and had laid the trail through three enclosed culverts under the road. Luckily it wasn’t raining so the water was only a few inches deep. However this was not enough to pacify Pink Panther and T.Rex Cock who complained it was F…ng dark too and 3 was 2 too many. There is no pleasing some people!  - JC said it took him ages to find those tunnels. Then we were on to the Beer-stop and everyone cheered up – until The Penguin, Sauerkraut, Olymprick and T.Rex Cock started discussing politics (although to be fair they did not use the Br….t  Word) Time to go back to the cars……

In the circle down-downs were awarded to:

T.Rex Cock – for dressing as though Sunderland were going to win the Wembley cup final

Sharnie – for sneakily setting up LS re. the clocks going forward

Dickie Bird – for sexist remarks about women’s work (VOTES FOR WOMEN!!)

Lisa and Wladiana – for taking selfies on the run (and auditioning for Barbarella’s movies??)

The Meet-up Runners (Laurie, Lisa, Wladiana and Mustafa) - for strange conversations on the run

Litteshit – as a stand-in for a 3ft hasher from Yemen & Sir Deadmund for the story about it

Barbarella – new shoe

Smurf – for wearing incontinence PJs

The Hares – JC & Fifi

Scribed by Mrs T (VOTES FOR WOMEN !!)

Portlethen presented us its usual gale force offerings and ominous icy dark clouds as we gathered in an array of green. In respect to the Guinness swillers I feel an Irish sonnet is in order…. 

“There was a young man from Kent 

Whose rod was so long it bent. 

So to save himself trouble 

He bent it in double, 

And instead of coming – he went!”

And so off we went…. 

From then on, the r@n remains a mystery to all, as the scribe had sensibly left paper and pen in the car to keep it nice and dry. 

However, it can be noted that in general, morale ran high when we passed the odd scrapings of flour (or was it lichen?). When trail eluded us we kept our spirits up with a triangle dance (Sharnie totally down with the kids), frolics in the playground (Cock not looking quite as spritely as he usually would for some reason) or in true hash form running past perfectly good hash beer in order to reach the elusive beer check. It was at this point Tia made her thoughts on the run known by knocking over a garden light with the sheer size and force of her turd. 

On back to begin the circle before the jaunty angle of the rain/sleet/hail turned completely horizontal and took all our eyes out.

Peanuts circulated and down downs commenced:

Our two leprechauns (NotDot and The Penguin) were rightly rewarded for their efforts in green

Yours truly was reunited with her pen and paper and scribing could begin in earnest (who’s Ernest?)

Mustafa had a down down as obviously he mustafa down down. That is apparently now the rule. Looks like he’s on to a winner there.

For some reason athleticism was rewarded by giving our two long distance runners (Cockatool & Inspector Gorse) a down down for being foolish enough to run a long way only to turn around and run back again. At least they were sensible enough to find a pub after all that nonsense.

Sergio was required to take a drink because of his need to have a wank which seemed a little harsh to me

Bruce Almighty was rewarded for finding the lost property of Tia (hash dog – perhaps I should have made that clear earlier) although I feel perhaps High Maintenance and Muff Diver should have taken the hit for not giving a shit about where she was in the first place.

Sergio was in again for getting pussy in his car – I sensed a certain amount of envy over the morning he had obviously had so far.

Sergio remained in place in the circle due to owning up to rummaging in Eveready’s nooks and crannies (he really was having one hell of a day) and finding a race number to a run she had obviously had a rethink about committing to. I feel she should be commended for casting it aside in order to lay trail for us reprobates.

Struth was berated for being late (this is news?) but in fairness had an original excuse that involved car keys being left places they shouldn’t be (ie not in the ignition). Barbarella needs to be commended for being the hero (and the hasher with currently the most points on his license)

The waft of beer from the On Inn brought down downs to a close but no one was allowed to leave until potatoes had been pooped in true Irish form. Inspector Gorse was still in full race mode and made a bullseye in the tankard – perhaps something he has done before when caught short?

The hares Golden Shower and Eveready were rewarded for their frugal use of flour (austerity in action) and the hash made hasty retreat into the warm arms of the On Inn

 Scribe

Fire Flaps

At the approaches to the Slug Road the overcast sky turned a more menacing shade of grey as the drizzle commenced. However, as the car trundled up the steep Durris incline this soon gave way to steady snowfall, and by the time of reaching the entrance to Fred Olsen's Mid Hill Wind Farm, which was serving as today's OnOn, the increased intensity was sufficient to leave a carpeting of pretty white snowflakes covering the ground. Unfortunately, this festive scene all but obliterated the copious amount of white flour, which even at this late time the hare was still busy laying. This area being a familiar haunt of Bruce Almighty, he had decided to leave the setting of his run till that morning, commencing before the sudden onset of snow, and had now overrun the start time. I arrived just as a confused pack was about to set off, and was duly awarded a non-functioning pen and a scrap of soggy paper for my efforts. Thruppenies had meantime magic'd up some maps for the walkie-talkies, but the slow progress of the runners due to the lack of visible flour meant that they instead elected just to stay with the not-so-FRBs. This was an unfortunate choice for anyone who had their heart set on anything less than a 12 km stroll.

Numbskull, who was on dog walking duty for Fireflaps, was an early victim of the conditions and soon retired back the cars, where he cowered with Haggisimo, who hadn't even attempted to leave the shelter of his vehicle. 'Thank goodness I've got my nice warm gloves with me' thought JC. More Butt approached, wondering if perhaps I had a spare set since Alexandra's pretty mittens were already thoroughly soaked. What choice was there for an intrepid hasher, but to tearfully part with his beloved gauntlets! Perhaps detecting a hint of uncertainty, Alexandra quickly rummaged in her pack of sweeties and proffered one of her least favourite flavours in order to seal the deal.

Upon reaching the junction with the track circumnavigating the Hill of Three Stones, signs of a check were spotted, and after much soul searching it was decided to proceed anti-clockwise. This proved to be the correct choice, but unfortunately we subsequently missed the Cryne Corse Road turn-off, which resulted in 40 minutes (and many kilometres) spent in the wilderness. Fast forwarding to the junction which lies to the east of Hill of Hobseat, Flaps, Redstripe and Struth had to be rescued from the folly of their efforts to tempt us ever deeper into the woods.

Heading westwards at last across an exposed and windswept section of moorland we were grateful some 5 km later to stumble upon the beer check. By now the sun was out and despite the windchill the snow was fast disappearing, bringing the promise of the occasional exposed blob of flour on the short stretch remaining to the On-Inn.

Back at the circle awards were presented to :

Old & Cold Numbskull for sensibly retreating in the face of adversity (he maintained that he was simply preventing the dog from the risk of hypothermia).

Shaky for behaving like a typical BMW boy racer, and daring to scream past Ballerina within metres of the run site.

Flaps, Redstripe and Struth, for mistakenly believing they possessed some collective mystic trail finding abilities, and exhibiting tendencies to lead innocents astray.

JC for complaining that the lack of exposed flour had denied him the opportunity to blow his trumpet.

Drillbit for taking a short cut to the cars when he was only yards from the beer check. Mitigating pleas about hurrying back in order to prepare the beer wagon, were recognised for the bullshit they clearly were.

Doghandler for allowing her child to execute a headplant, in circumstances where the snow depth, being less than 5mm, provided minimal cushioning effect.

Clueless Smiler for getting her hands on a run map, but still managing to get lost.

Mustaphe, the Virgin Hasher who had been coaxed along (and heaven knows what else) by Struth.

Bruce Almighty, for needlessly complicating things by camouflaging his flour with a layer of snow.

Unfortunately the most meritorious of the day's down downs would have to await another day, on account of the recipient still being lost deep within Fetteresso Forest. Our very own technophile and mission impossible candidate, It’s All Because, had confidently strode off into the inclement weather nursing his discharged phone and also a competitive desire to be first at the beer check. When a returning group of mountain bike enthusiasts confessed to seeing a solitary tall person clad in black near the Windfarm, Wee Willie (who had offered It’s All Because a lift) became distraught at the prospect of having to wait about for him to complete the 7 mile return trek.

Hence, whilst many headed off seeking the warmth of Stonehaven's finest taverns, a noble hearted crew co-ordinated a rescue. With Ballerina manning the car park and Bruce Almighty headed for Quithel, JC, Drillbit, Sharnie and Wee Willie managed to gain access into the forest with two cars in order to scour the network of tracks. The lone hiker when found was naturally teased remorselessly for his misadventure . . . . . but I fear that yet more retribution might be warranted.

 [Usual Disclaimer: Whilst any likeness to real persons is indeed intended, it is never-the-less possible that some events described were merely figments of the imagination].

J.C.

GM - Wee Willie

RA - Haggisimmo

We were a much depleted-in-numbers bunch of Hashers but the location was good for a small number and what's more the glorious sunshine shone down on us, so too did the almost howling gale and did I hear bird 'poo' from the circle ...to be revealed later...

One thing that can be revealed now, or would that be two things?

The run would be approximately seven miles and the walk would be approximately four...comments on that revelation later was , that was bad to let folk know....let you decide!

Once decisions had been made in who were running and who were walking, I believe it may have been Olymprick who decided to rename it the 'Geriatric Run', a phrase which I seem to be getting used to hearing now, although in truth , I ain't buying that and may I remind Olymprick, that you are only as old as you feel....I say no more!!

Someone else, who was standing behind me also thought it could be named the 'Barking Dog Run' but we won't name names, cute wee Lily perchance?

Circle formed it was all quite brief other than the introduction of two new runners, Anna and Carol, a visiting Hasher from Elgin and a returner with his little daughter. If anything else was said other than the GM asking for a volunteer to  scribe, and I didn't step back fast enough (duly understood Barbarella??), GM just volunteered me and I think i then went into a mild case of shock....and I can't remember much after that!!

I must have regained my composure ....

Shite Boyfriend explained the flour markings and then, I could hear the words 'anti-clockwise ' causing some confusion, Duthie Park, apparently synonymous with Coffee Shop, although I can't think why....Glen?

There were around twenty walkers, maybe five dogs and a handful of runners...

And off we went...

On on!!

I have no clue in which direction the runners took off but I just followed my usual, but much extended pack, off along the riverside !

All geriatrics crossed safely at the roundabout, marched through the park, then for some bizarre reason , walker numbers dropped dramatically on arriving at the railway line ...not naming names....G, SB, BA, O??? Have I got that wrong ?

The rest of us moseyed on to the railway line..........................and moseyed on.............and on...until we reached a sign (flour), leading us across a grassy area, into Garthdee......

Meandering through the houses, finding  flour.......we were on track......

Making it past RGU we reached the river and happier puppies (dogs!!!!) you have never seen....it was cool off time and into the river....Yey!!!!!! 

Meandering on, the sun beating down on us (whew) and much to Lisa's disappointment, the beer stop wasn't in a nice open space, with bench facing to the river, but a tad further on...wasn't bad there.

At this point we were thirteen walkers, five dogs and one little girl !

At 12.41, a runner appeared!!!! Shaky !!!! Yey!!!

Did I hear rumblings about checks?

I was then advised by Shaky that I needn't write too much just the beginning and end with Jackanory in the middle!!!!

So here is my Jackanory

J A C K A N O R Y

End: the runners and coffee folk were back before us!!!

Olymprick quoted Rule 7 to me ????

All refreshments done and catch up on the Hash, the circle was duly formed but think it was more of an ellipse than a circle but hey, we were duly grouped!

Down downs as follows:

Hash names were chosen for Arlene and John.....thank you Haggi!

Arlene - Gas Chamber and John -Canadae'at...please note that this name is a hybrid of a country and the Doric tongue chosen by Haggi, in his comedic fashion ....very punny Haggi and much appreciated!

Comments on the run: think I heard Shite, but I was happy with my run...

Who ran the whole trail? None,  I heard.

Cider man from Elgin....commented that it was a nice run! Great to see us all and informed us all that next the Elgin Hashers will be celebrating their 1900 and would have an event and invited our group up there to help ! Yey!! Aberdeen HHH's  to Elgin !!

Sergio...well we missed his 950 run by five weeks but he was duly given his 955 on Sunday....down down Sergio!!

The Friday night quiz raised £700.00 and had 70 participants . There were fifteen Hashers there and for some reason Shaky got  a down down.

New Hashers got their down down and Haggi sang a very long version of a down down song which few sang...think it ended being a solo!!

Story behind the bird 'poo'....Red Stripe had been admiring the parking ?? Or something , put her hand out and ended up getting splat upon on the back of her hand.....hey girl, it could have been worse.

But more to come...it had been noticed that Hobo moved his car away from under the trees....did not want his car covered in splat!

Olymprick announced that for the Hash in three weeks time that he had booked a table at the Dutch Mill...for himself?? But he did say that if you wanted to join him let him know.

Next week's run, well, I didn't catch the name but Slug Road was mentioned?? Beside the wind farm ??? I, myself , wait with baited breath on the location for that one.

Ghillie's Lair was the Onon.

Please note , the virgin scribe apologises for all mistakes and incorrect information.....and duly gives herself a down down in advance.....😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 and please feel free to correct me....nicely ...☺☺☺

40 or so hashers ventured out on a cooler day after the heatwave of the previous week, many seemingly none the worse for wear after an afternoon in the pub watching our respective rugby teams capitulate.

I opened my mouth at the wrong time and was duly awarded scribe by Little Shit standing in for GM, RA and Hash Godfather. Whatever happened to asking for volunteers!

No Sir Deadmund who is otherwise engaged in Argentina to deliver this week's horrible history but Eveready had seemingly volunteered only to be told to wait until later buy our stand in GM.

Welcome to the new runner Codpiece who has run with MH3 before but still needs some training on what it means to be a real hasher.

An award to Twizzle for 400 runs for which he received a rather trendy looking fleece.

Also, a down down to Barberella for disrupting the circle by driving through the middle of it after arriving late because he stopped at Starbucks on the way.

The trail started off well making the best use of the forest territory and went off the main path where practical. Early confusion when JC came back from along the trail reporting a back check. Assistance from hare Biggles put us back on trail - an arrow 20ft before the back check had been missed by the FRBs. West through the woods and out onto the country roads through farmland on the other side of the trees. The pack still largely together after a few more tough checks/back checks then slowed by a barbed wire fence which spread the pack a little as well as causing a ripped ski jacket and several near castrations/mutilations. Skirting round the edge of fields and more walls and fences our small group of Fifi, Thrupenny Bits, Fifi Jr and friend, Skinny Witch and Panty Pockets was now most definitely off trail. Finally, heading back to the woods past Little Banchory and picked up the trail again and off it again before meeting up with the last of the walkie talkies,Smiler, High Maintenance and others who were wandering and wondering where their guide Not Dot had disappeared to. I chose the alternative route with Smiler only to find that a path that used to be there isn't any more which is how we ended up taking the scenic route along the South Deeside road taking the long way back to the cars where we found Numbskull, Haggisimo and Bruce Almighty amongst others who had been on a different alternative trail. Meanwhile the pack, or most of them had apparently found the beer check at the war memorial before heading on-in.

RA duties were shared by Little Shit, Rats and Twizzle

Hippo handed out leaflets for the charity quiz night on the 1st of March; 7pm at the Sportsmen in Queen's Road. Teams will be sorted on the night. Those amongst us attending the pensioners lunch at Kippie lodge should be able to stagger there in time if not in one piece.

Pink Panther has posted an up to date run list on onenote - hares needed for June onwards. Hopefully we can get some more out of town runs - a list of suggested sites is available.

Post run down downs were duly awarded once Drillbit had caught up with proceedings:

Shaky for confusing Little Shit with one of his Facebook posts - must be an age thing - he's easily confused.

One Liner for being a Boyo (C'est Dommage) and wearing a lot of red.

Little Shit for forgetting to let Eveready do the horrible history - Alzheimer's is a terrible thing. Since she had already departed Ratsrelayed how Great Yarmouth had been the target for the first Zeppelin bombing missions of mainland Britain in 1915.

Muff Diver for complaining about the high cost of High Maintenances budget cost hair do - a snip at £70

Thrupenny Bits for looking at retirement flats

Panty pockets for having a bit of a prang in the carpark

Twizzle (charge by Haggissimo) for not removing the label on his run award fleece

Codpiece - the new AH3 runner

Olymprik for turning the air blue as he puffed and panted his way up a hill

Blagger, Muff Diver, High Maintenance and Skinny Witch for having front row seats at the Circus of Horrors the night before.

Muff Diver (again) because he looked good in an unclaimed wooly hat (with tassels!)

Lisa (charge by Barbarella) because of a wall and pigs with African swine flu [it's actually wild boar].

The Hares - Not Dot and Biggles for a good run that kept (most of) the pack together

Lorraine was finally christened with hash handle "The Hoover" after devouring more food than the rest of the rugby crowd combined at O Neils

Next week's run was not announced but will be from Riverside Drive.

On On

Shaky

I was stitched up for the honour of being scribe, cos Cinders talked to me while the circle was on, and I foolishly turned to listen to her.

The GM welcomed us to hash 1913, and was awarded a down-down for brain fog, having just returned from holiday he blamed it on jet-lag

Horrible history told us that the Derby was more eventful than normal, when Emily Davison threw herself in front of the king's horse Anmer whilst it was leading. Was it an attempt to stop the horse and tie a banner on it, or because she had 6d on the eventual winner Aboyeur.

Hare Hippo explained the ethos of following a Hash trail, warning that there was ice aplenty on some parts.

Started off up the slope (wot a surprise), slippery slope, and it got worse. Those with crampons and ice axe were to the fore. J.C. was an early faller.

When the trail disappeared into the woods it became ice free, the ice only reappearing on the main paths. Plenty of checks to keep us entertained.

After a good run, with those at the front changing often as befits a well set hash, we arrive at the beer check to find Fifi and Ballerina already there.

Barbarella was conspicuous by his absence, which was gratifying as we knew we were on trail if he was missing.

The walkin talkin section was having fun, cos they decided to take a short cut which due to the icy terrain turned into a long cut. Shit boyfriend ended up on his hands and knees- did he fall or was he pushed? Doesn't matter and he then crawled across the ice on all fours, but they all made it back before the main body of the hash anyway.

Last to arrive back were Ballerina and Barbarella, after the circle had been called, so they were given the 1st down-downs.

• Next up was Coke Snorter for picking up the flour on trail to check if it was flour.

•  JC for falling over.

• JC for allowing Fifi’s dog to chase a cat that hid up a tree, this was the previous week but the RA has a long memory as yet unaffected by Old Timers disease.

• Biggles for making an unPC comment about allowing dog's to sleep in his bed, but sending them home in the morning after they had cooked him breakfast.

• Wee Willie for only running the 10 yards before the Beer check, for which he blamed jet -lag again.

• Sauerkraut as he found a glove and stuffed it in Hippo's backpack for safe keeping, but when it was looked for it was missing.

• JC for having breakfast in bed and saying he wasn't getting up to go hashing.

• Wet Vet had a naming ceremony cos he was wet and wanted to change clothes rather than attend the circle.

• Tonto for being an athlete, as he is representing England in the noble sport of curling.

•  Hippo the hare for a good run.

  A well spent Sunday morning

Biggles

Reminiscences by JC

Notwithstanding the benefit of the recently opened superhighway connecting Westhill and Stonehaven, Fifi still managed to ensure that her car was the last to trundle into the station car park. And although technically Fifi and mutt Boston were the last to join the circle, it was the hapless JC who was singled out by Barbarella to receive a pen and a wad of paper (the scribe vest and horn having apparently succumbed to recent austerity measures). The circle was already in full swing and someone undoubtedly got a beer, but thinking that Barbarella was just chancing his luck and trying to pass on a scribe already rightfully allocated to him, I was not paying any attention.

It was a sunny day with abundant wind chill, and although Blagger was offering detailed advice regarding how to recognise a check or a new-style back-check, the pack were impatient for the off in order that action might mitigate the ever present threat of hypothermia. From the OnOn we progressed north westerly, which was the most effective way of getting into the open countryside. There was a minor panic when Barbarella realised that he had forgotten to initiate his tracker, but fortunately the rest of the pack were able to tell him where he was.

On the slug road the FRBs came upon one of these new fangled back-checks, and in the resulting melee everyone tried to remember exactly what it was that Blagger had been blethering about . . . . But fortunately Ballerina happened upon some flour, and once more thinking was no longer necessary. The trail meandered across the Cowie Water, with a couple of minor loops and wrong slots thrown in for good measure, before doubling back past the (potentially) fine pile of Ury house.

Luke was one of several new faces who had carefully selected a Penguin Hash for their inaugural run. His athletic prowess (and possibly more) were duly noted by Cinders, and under her mentoring he was observed to be engaged in checking all manner of dead ends. The well-laid trail re-crossed the river (stream?) and enticed us down the wooded banks of Glen Ury. Somewhere in there we encountered a check, a severe downslope, a severe upslope, a viewpoint over the weir, and a couple walking their dog, all at pretty near the same time (which adds up to rather a lot for your average hasher to take-in).

Returning alongside the railway line we re-entered the conurbation of Stonehaven, and there in the middle of a housing estate was the beer check. As we sat upon the neighbouring garden walls guzzling refreshments in the icy sunshine, passers-by might have been forgiven for thinking that here was a dog walkers convention taking a well earned break from obedience & training classes. In a rare guest appearance Dutch Cap noted how, in comparison to a typical 2 hour Mearn's macho mega-hash, his pooch had barely broke sweat.

Meanwhile, Hippo, after energetically cycling to the Hash, managed to sniff out the where-abouts of the beer check and join us there. It was observed however that shit boyfriend and drillbit never made it, presumably having been lured into the warmth and joyous relaxation afforded by a local coffee-house (again).

Back at the car park Ballerina was raising cash for SensationALL by dishing out his summa soup (made from summa-this and summa-that), which was crucial to the process of rebuilding core temperatures. The usual swilling and gossiping was stymied when Aids called the circle to order and invited T-Rex Cock to recount a complex horrible history, which might possibly have connected todays run with the AWPR and French timekeeping. But then again my mind had wandered . . . The usual lengthy perorations ensued, but to cut some very long stories short, misdemeanour awards were foisted upon:

·         JC & Barbarella for scribe confusion

·         Hippo for "cycling in the wind"

·         Toy Boy Tom, when it was realised that his proposed D2 victims (High Maintenance and Muff Diver) had already absconded

·         Ever Ready for developing a fetching husky voice

·         Little Shit for using a dog leash on Red Stripe (couldn't find a whip)

·         JC for skiing a week too early (before the Beast from East hit the Alps)

·         Luke & the new faces (Cherry, Julia, Don, Lou) upon losing their virginity

·         Barbarella for leaving his gloves at Numbskull's house

·         Fireflaps for exhorting Ballerina to keep running (physical abuse)

·         JC for using Ballerina as a windshield (mental abuse)

·         Sauerkraut & Binliner for wondering why no-one else was at the square at 11 o' clock

·         Finally, The Penguin and Blagger for laying copious amounts of flour

Ceremonies concluded with Struth presenting a scrumptious cake to commemorate The Penguin's 44 years of hashing. This was soon scoffed by wellwishers murmuring "get a life . . .".  Thereafter a score or so of hungry and thirsty hashers availed themselves of the hospitality on offer at the Station Hotel. Strangely enough none were thrown out for bad behaviour.

Disclaimer: Whilst some of the above may indeed have occurred, it is quite possible that I just imagined it.

JC