Scribes 2017

1855 - Sun 31 Dec 2017 - Nigg Way - Hare: Toy Boy Tom - Scribe: Pink Panther

A bitterly cold and wet end to 2017 saw around 40 odd hashers gather at Nigg Way for TOY BOY TOM's run. Little Shit decided that we should all gather for a photo and was particularly keen that we all stood in front of Olymprick, which as dutiful hashers we did (but why?) but cunning as ever, the O made it to the front in time for the photo. Nae hairs on that wiley old hasher.........

Our RA's brains must have been a bit foggy from all the recent celebrations as they seemed to be struggling to find someone to award the pre-run down down to. As us older hashers remember, it used to be awarded to the first hasher back at the previous week's run, to slow them down (the point being the hash is non competitive so if you came first, you'd pay for it on the next run!). Of course, this was when we were all younger, drank more, partied more and hashing was more about having a wee run and lots of drinks afterwards, rather than the race/training session it seems to be

nowadays.....:-)

And they missed the obvious down down!! Red Stripe trying to have a quiet pee in front of a parked car in the car park - only she hadn't noticed that the owners were still sitting in the car! Only Cinder's sharp eyes saved them from an eyeful.

So pre run down down (yes I will eventually get to the point here) was awarded to Golden Shower for being called Tim and something to do with Tiny Tim, but why, I can't recall.....or perhaps it was just in recognition of Red Stripes's antics?

No Sir Deadmund Hillary's 'Orrible Histories, so Rats informed us that today was the birthday of Alex Salmond and the establishment of the Daily Telegraph. Oh goody...

TOY BOY TOM called On On and off the hash set, into the the Kincorth Hill Woods (more colloquially known as The Gramps) but the hare kindly directed us SCB's/Walkie Talkies in the opposite direction, across the road past Kincorth Parish church and onto a path at the back of Shell - we did look for a path through Shell's offices but found it's all fenced off – whether that its to keep us out or the Shellies in, who knows?

So I followed Thrupenny Bits as usual, as usual, as usual, as usual,as she has an uncanny ability to figure out where the run is going, along with Its All Because, Batty and Killer (in pram initially but was spotted walking at one point, yippee) east towards Tullow Hill/Loriston Country Park and the dump. We had rain, wind, more rain, cold, rain, more wind, occasionally nice views across Aberdeen and the sea and the methane release tubes at the dump.

We wandered around the hill/dump, trying to avoid being run over by motocross bikes, following flour occasionally and occasionally not, until at last the hash caught us up, only to then disappear down towards WoodPSN/WoodGroup/Wood's original 1970's offices, before we headed back

west, finally finding the Whisky Mac check, with all the ingredients clearly labelled by TOY BOY TOM detailing how to make a Whisky Mac and the correct proportions to do so.....not that anyone followed them!

Here we caught up with Olymprick, Rats, Drillbit, Cinders but no sign of the rest of the pack. anaged to miss the sweetie check sadly....

On back to the cars where most of the pack were already there - and to some very welcome Mulled Wine, crisps, nuts and beers, with everyone piling on as much dry/warm clothing as they could find.

Down Downs by Aids

  • Red Stripe trying to pee in the car park (what was wrong with all the trees??)

  • Willy Watsoff - as Samuel Pepys for the day - for keeping a diary - at his age it must be very, very long - any hashers worried about being in it can apply to be "forgotten" by proffering a note of suitable size, although with his antics, he'll probably have to publish it posthumously to avoid being sued.....;-)

  • Muff Diver and The Penguin -man flu sharers

  • Thanks to Sharnie and Little Shitfor organising his 1000th run celebration - although he doesn't think he'll make it to his 2000th (join the club).

  • Red Stripe again for looking after the RA's crop (oh err)

  • The Hash is evidently like the Masons according to Rats, where loyalty is key - yet Twizzle still forgot to pick up Drillbit so was awarded a DD

  • Best hat of the day award was put to the vote - contestants were yours truly (sporting my new pink hash hat) , Struth (Xmas tree hat) , Not Dot (red ski hat) ,Wee Willie (no hat), Jasper (plain black hat) - so of course, Jasper won!

Twizzle

Hare Toy Boy Tom- for good run tho' crap weather (err,

Twizzle that's down to the RA's finding enough virgins isn't it?). As usual TOY BOY TOM managed to set a long run in a very small area.

Ballerina gave a Charge in the rapidly freezing circle - telling us the sad tale of crashing his new motor after dropping off Drillbit a few weeks ago. His courtesy car was a Hyundai F1.1, with a tiny engine, (not like his car...) and after having driven all over the UK over the last two weeks, clocking up over 1000 miles, he reckons he's saved over £200 in petrol, all down to Drillbit!

PS. Unfortunately some hashers got a bit confused (Dick and Eveready) and thought the On On was in Nigg Bay, and so spent fruitless hours wandering around the bay, not that they saw each other, or the hash. Always pays to look at the map guys!

Also many thanks to T'Ropers for a great Hogmanay bash!

Around 20 of us had good food, plenty of drink (though I avoided their legendary punch), party games and fizz at midnight. :-)

And Happy New Year to you all for 2018!

Pink Panther

1854 - Sun 24 Dec 2017 - Drumoak - Hare: Numbskull - Scribe: Barbarella (no scribe)


1853 - Sun 17 Dec 2017 - Hazlehead Park - Hare: Santa Sergio - Scribe: Red Stripe

(Finally found the scrap of paper in my car with my scribe 'notes'! Still no sign of the pencil!)

As usual I wasn't paying attention and made the wrong decision of announcing I had a hangover, on the hangover run! The state of my fuddled head could also explain why I couldn't understand the reason behind the numerous conversations about tampons until someone clarified

that it was crampons they were on about!!

The Ugly Brothers (GM's description!) were praised for their hard work the previous evening with managing to sort the drunken rabble into participating in party games.

(There were games???) Tonto was awarded the pre-run down down for his Dad dancing prowess on the dance floor.

Santa gave us our instructions, told us all to be good(!?) and the pack headed off down the slippery slope! Conditions underfoot were treacherous and life-threatening, although the slippery surfaces allowed for some of the hash to display their figure skating skills! Very impressive! We headed

through the woods, where there was some welcome shiggy for underfoot traction. At a check coming out of the woods around half the pack decided we knew exactly where the trail would go (just like every other week with AH3 then!) and missed a bit of a loop-type bit of the trail around the golf course.

Before we got to the clubhouse I spotted Santa's reindeer resting in the field. However, no sign of the star of the show, Rudolph. Perhaps he hadn't recovered from the hash Christmas party the night before?! While watching the reduced pack I heard the distinctive voice of The Penguin. He was owhere to be seen! Again I heard The Penguin call, which was also heard by the others eyeing up the fluffy reindeer with me (venison was mentioned). On investigation we found him in the bushes with the Whisky Mac and mince pies!! Yaaay! After a quick chat with my fuzzy friends we skated our way

back to the car park to layer on more clothes before the circle.

Down downs as follows (I think):

Amazingly no down downs for falling on the dangerous trail! (Although I did witness BA falling down a hole that was sticking up in the ground)

  • Mrs Claus - best outfit from previous evening. Bought from Ann Summers where apparently you were receiving a free gift with every purchase! What was the gift? Did it come (!) with free batteries? Did Mr Claus know about this? Some things we will never know.

  • Sir Sheik Deadmund Hillary - Renamed after being on a top-secret mission to Basra.

  • Numskull - Being so smelly that the reindeer didn't want to eat from his generous offering in his hands.

  • Prickly Bush - Given the secret Santa present from the night before (was using this as a table for writing on til this point! Very handy!) as no-one else was brave enough to take the huge box and instead opted for a good rummage in Santa's sack. Turns out the massive box was disguising a set of tic removers! That'll be handy for the next trail at Bogendreip!

  • Little Shit, Sharnie, Tonto - For being good Samaritans and managing to get Just Fiona back to her flat after her physical movements had been impaired by something she had eaten or maybe drank!

  • Santa- Washing Hippo's favourite dressing gown he had borrowed, resulting in a slightly less red robe with a rather fetching pink fur.

And finally, a well-deserved drink for the hare, Santa, for taking time out of his busy schedule to lay the trail which fixed our hangovers!

On On

Red Stripe

1852 - Sun 10 Dec 2017 - Stonehaven - Hare: Muff Diver - Scribe: Shite Boyfriend

A very cold but beautiful morning! Thought my luck was in right from the get go, Sharnie said I had to be romantic, so after embracing her and holding her close she announced not with me, with Thupenny Bits as she'd forgotten her poles and needed me to lean on. Life's never simple.

The circle was called, Little Shit noted that Eveready was limbering up to keep warm, we then all recited and acted out Father Abraham which warmed all up.

Olymprick received pre run DD something to do with John Snow and Game of thrones??

Lost in translation for me...

Muff Diver, who seemed to be suffering from a beer or two, too many from the previous night proceeded to discuss his trail, and off we went.

The run itself was picturesque with pretty views over the hills, trees sprinkled with snow sparkling in the sun light, blue skies and surprisingly no wind, however it was still cold !

Didn't see many as a walker, Hippo past a couple of times, ( nothing unusual there ) Skinny Witch thought her feet were frozen and wasn't sure if it was worth turning back or had she already reached the halfway point ? decisions, decisions...Red Stripe having recently flitted ( moved house for the English folk ) injured herself during the move and also got a breast inspect ( sorry typo, chest infection ) the rest of the pack moved through in a hurry to get to the beer check I presume.

Down by the river a Robin red breast was seen darting between the trees, further along the river four red breasts were spotted tarting between the trees. ( see attached photo)

Gluhwein was provided and the circle formed with the following DD's

  • Prickly Bush, something to do with polystyrene?

  • Fire flaps, technology in the circle and gift from Oban, nice little kiltie blue number (69) a bit of a flop, stick with the flaps.

  • Golden Shower, acting like a bowling ball but not striking out

  • Eveready, High Maintenance, Muff Diver, Ballerina, UB-40 (well over forty ), Penguin, Numbskull -

  • For being old farts and forgetful, ( could be a weekly DD there then )

  • Numbskull -Lost property retrieved from Oban, from bed post to parcel post I presume.

  • Finally the hare received his DD for setting a good run.

Oh and since Sir Deadmond Hillary wasn't present to bore all with horrible history. You might, or might not be interested to know 1852 was a leap year and on the first of February - the first British public toilet for women opens in Bedford Street, London; now isn't that some shit!

Scribe:

Shite Boyfriend

1851 Sun 03 Dec 2017 – Garlogie - Hare: Twizzle – Scribe: OneLiner

Google Maps had us parking in someone`s back yard at a house in the village

Twizzle had us parking just before the East end of Garlogie, which was correct.Except that most of us went on auto-pilot to a previously used spot where there was better car parking available; until Bin Liner rescued us.

DOH! And thanks Binliner.

Aaaaaaaanyway , we all got there in the end. Even Barbarella. Whose mission in life now seems to be to see if he can manage to squeeze in to each On On just after Struth or JC, Fifi. Yes, competition for last placed arrival has rarely been so hotly contested in recent year.

So all circled up, Sir Deadmund Hillary informed us that 1851 marked the year of the Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace (not Selhurst Park) and that it was such a financial success that the takings ultimately paid for the construction of the Victoria and Albert Museum as well the Science Museum too . Who knew? Well, probably the Accountants once they had counted the ticket money.

But no-one was really listening by then, since Little Shit had just introduced us to our 2 newest Hashers,Cock Knocker and Delicious Pussy, recently arrived from Eastern (warmer) Shores.

And I can tell you that when there`s a delicious pussy on the Hash , NO-ONE cares about Crystal Palaces anymore!

A pre-run Down Down was richly deserved by Little Shit, following a case of mistaken identity the week before at the foot of Clachnaben. But don`t worry lads. Once Pink Panther has had a bit of a general spruce up, she should be sufficiently differentiated from Sergio for most of us to be able to tell at a glance which one of them is most likely also to have a delicious pussy.

The run itself was remarkable for the fact that despite Twizzle being Hare, we were all together at the beer check inside his customary 2 hours. Blame the Saturday weather. Or Bless it. Either way, it had been chucking it down at the time of setting, so discretion won over valour and our expected tricky marathon became something more of a less serious endeavour after all.

We even had a very fetching shade of lemon yellow flour to follow. Thanks Twizzle, for a nice little canter in the Garlogie countryside. V. enjoyable.

Back at the cars (well most of them, anyway), just above the roar of the passing traffic I did manage to detect Rats doling out the DD`s to:-

Twizzle - health and safety failure over a non-existent ice warning to Cock Knocker. I fear that CN nearly fell over and knocked.

Pink Panther - no, not for her remarkable resemblance to Sergio, but for the remarkably school-girl-like error of wearing new pink shoes to a Hash. Well, IMO they were actually red boots which Rats kept trying to align with pink - and I think they will remain red until they fade. But whatever colour you want to call them, there was a faint air of inevitability around the re-bound which resulted in Rats himself doing the honours via a not so pleasant shoe in a somewhat darker shade altogether. I think it was "The Old Grey Wet Your Whistle Test". And lest anyone should detect a hint of personal abuse towards a fellow middle aged hasher her, this suggested title refers to the shoe, not to the drinker-out-of-it.

Come to think of it "Drinkeroutovit" may well be the real name of a Russian Hasher somewhere.

Barbarella - trying to re-configure a sign which simply needed to be lifted up and turned around. Let`s hope he`s nowhere near the off switch next time any of us are in an operating theatre.

And Sergio - no, not for his remarkable resemblance to Pink Panther, but for his rather more seasonal current resemblance to one Saint Nicholas of Claus. And I bet he doesn`t have a delicious pussy either.

After Rats had entertained us over the rush of nearby rubber upon tarmac, Twizzle topped up the day`s hilarity with an explanation of how 2 Head Hares between them couldn`t find Garlogie on an O.S map. Which somehow helped explain our little car parking difficulties 2 hours previously.

On On

OneLiner

1850 - Sun 26 Nov 2017 - Glen Dye - Hares: Hippo & Mrs T- Scribe: Fifi

'Twas on a bitterly cold, snowy November morning that the pack gathered in the Clachnaben car park for a feast..,but first we had to earn our grub by following Hippo and Mrs T's t rail.

Pre-run down-down was awarded to Shaky, just visiting from Houston for now but may be back in the Granite City sometime next year.

Warnings followed from the Hares to dress up warmly or risk hypothermia - close attention was paid by Little Shit, Penguin and One Liner, who wore shorts as usual. And then we were off - no false trails, if you're on, you're on - initially up the civilian track towards Clachnaben but quickly veering right and up the hill over the heather and through the trees. On reaching a forestry track we headed right round Greystane Hill, slippy slidey over the ice searching for yellow (snow) flour.

Golden Shower looked longingly at a few spots to the left but the trail went right, uphill again to the open moorland. The pack spilled over the deer fence as the front runners halted and huddled, confused at their inability to spot the dots. Confidence was boosted by the appearance of Hippo behind, convincing Muff Diver, One Liner, TOY BOY TOM and Wotzoff to run on leftwards; traversing the slope towards Clachnaben. Bin Liner and Rollo, Biggles, Sharnie, Serina and Mutt plodded on after. A check at the edge of the wood was soon broken and we skirted the edge of the trees up again towards the Big Hill.

An encounter with the civilian path to the top caused the front runners to pause once more. Hippo had dreamed he'd set a check there, but Fifi knew she wasn't going up any more and soon found flour downhill. A diversion through the wood to the left led eventually to the sweetie check where we enjoyed tropical coconuts in bright sunshine. Sir Deadmund Hillary joined us, having short-cut with Mrs T, and Barbarella made a surprise late appearance complaining that the pack must have set off early (or, at least, before he'd arrived at the OnOn).

The trail took the e asy route back along the vehicle track to Glen Dye Lodge where the beer check had been cunningly placed away from prying eyes and predatory short-cutters (Olymprick).

In the Circle Olymprick took it upon himself to award Down

Downs to:

  • Little Shit - who mistook Sergio for Pink Panther at the car park(!!)

  • Wotzoff - who misled a band of 8 hashers off-trail and away from the beer check

  • Toy Boy Tom - mis-minder to Olymprick at the EH3 Xmas bash

  • BinLiner - who has the misfortune to be in the band playing at aforesaid EH3 Xmas bash

  • Shaky - for mis-typing on Facebook

  • Biggles, Muff Diver, Barbarella, Not Dot, Ever Ready and The Penguin - for being misled by Wotzoff

  • Hares: Hippo and Mrs T

Sir Deadmund Hillary entertained the circle with a Horrible History about the telegraph which was invented in 1850 and resulted in the first subsea cable being laid between England and France so that Morse Code could be relayed to the continent.

And at last we were rewarded with a feast of spicy tomato soup, fruit crumble and custard served from the back of the Hares' van. Thank you to the Hares for a great trail and great food.

OnOn

Fifi

1849 - Sun 19 Nov 2017 - South of Echt - Hare: It's All Because – Scribe: Little Shit

Cold, but dry; a few parking problems at the run site, sorted very amicably.

Circle up and the usual welcomes, see an expanded version below.

Another large award: 900 runs to Sergio: well done that man!

Hill-Ary claimed the hash was a Marxist institute and that we should all be working down't pit or crawling on hands and knees under thrashing machines in factories. This has got to be better than working in IT! " You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

Over to the Hare: It's All Because, and I suppose it is! The trail is muddy and wet and in some places is frozen, sort of! You may be best wearing wellies!

Off we set and went up, and up and up and up and up, to the top of the hill. Excellent views and then off the top of the hill and down towards an orange Sainsbury bag full of Haribos. This was so entrancing; Smiler managed to head but the tree that the bag was hanging from. Fortunately none of the sweets were lost and the tree was undamaged.

This was at a quaint location next to a dam. In its normal fashion it had a big pond upstream and a smaller dribble downstream, I suppose this is the nature of dams. Nuf said.

"As a kid Binliner was made to walk the plank. They couldn't afford a dog."

On on a bit further to the fizzy lager and softie check and that was it.

Barbarella was complaining about the new carpark at ARI. "

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." Right enough!

Then on back to the car park for beetroot soup - interesting, but also very nice.

Sergio mentioned “he was thinking of running a marathon, but thought it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone."

Did you know Hippo had lost a few chickens, this a bit like “You can't lose a homing pigeon? If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon."

They aren't homing chickens Hippo!

Down downs:

The Penguin dons his 1000thrun winter warmer jacket, decided it was to warm to take to Auz, but it snows down under.

Three wise hashers get it in the neck for asking when the hash trail was going to start, apparently we had already sprinted three quarters of it. Oops! Poor T Rex Cock, Fifi and Little Shit.

It's the GM's job to remember the run number, I always get it wrong, this usually allows SD Hill-Ary to pick me up on it. Then the GM has to ask if there are any new runners or visitors. Some hashers turn up for weeks and I still think they are new runners. They shouldn't change their running apparel each week, it is confusing. I digress, the next important thing the GM has to do is to appoint the scribe. Yep, you may have guessed, other stuff on my mind - so this is it. A wee drink for yours truly for being forgetful!

Item of lost clothing returned to Sir Deadmond Hill-Ary, not sure where he lost it.

"What's this large chunk of concrete with a steel gismo sticking out the top doing in the middle of nowhere?"

Rats is not an engineer at heart! "Apparently he saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

To the hare It's All Because for having a hansom lunch pack! And a few other redeeming features, such as a large rucksack full of sweets and drink.

That's it

Scribe

Little Shit

1848 – Sun 12 Nov 2017 – Kingswells - Hare: JC & FiFi - Scribe: Barbarella (No scribe)


1847 – Sun 05 Nov 2017 - Kingswells Wood – Hare: Hillary - Scribe: Twizzle

The WPR may have removed many a favourite Hash On-On, but it also has created a few new opportunities, one of which todays trail was laid from. Thoughtfully off the A944, the APR construction team has laid a very smooth tarmac lane up to AB15 5QQ even including a turning circle for the small hamlet. This new road is now offering 1stclass skateboard and sledging opportunities in addition to a dance floor surface suitable for Hash rituals. Despite, the RA's attempt in trying to organising hashers parking consistently the instructions were ignored and vehicle line up neglected to leave space for hash beer so it ended up towards the bottom of the hill while the circle started at the top, consequently Prickly Bush missed most of the On-On circle and pre-run barracking.

An opportunity to travel 100's of miles to drink copious amounts of beer with lowlanders seemed to seduce a considerable number of the AH3 regular pack veterans so we were down to about 60 legs including 3 canine hashers. However with a pair of RA's, head hare and hash beer, what could possibly go wrong! Bin liner stepped up into GM shoes, Twizzle extorted hash cash, RA called the circle. The hare recounted today's horrible history lesson, reminding us that 457 years ago or there about a birth date relative was snitched up and caught with his hands on the fire crackers! For this

priceless gaff the RA awarded him a hashy 65th birthday Down down, in recognition of the arctic blast the RA held a knobbly knee vote off between the four hardy souls turning up in shorts, the winner Longshanks took the obligatory Pre-run down-down.

The hare reminded of the friendly flour and the pack slowly dispersed into the woods we were immediately treated to winter downpour, however the trail was exceptionally well marked with numerous checks which only a partially sighted hasher could have failed to navigate. The trial lead through a variety of obstacles, shaggy, civilian paths dense undergrowth to first a sweaty stop by the quarry and then on to a well-stocked beer and softy stop, offering a grandstand view of the WPR raceway. The pack generally kept close together despite exertions from the FRBs, tempered by thoughtfulness of the hare in providing shorter directions to the walky-talkies. Consequently the pack returned to the cars back together.

Returning to the On INN the RA now in stage 2 hyperthermia immediately called a circle to order, down-downs were awarded to Sherlock minder for running off with RA gloves, Cinders for poor choice of a privacy spot at which point my borrowed pen blocked so hard luck if I missed out anybody else. Awards of note were; Hippo for rock dancing, Wotzoff for being a tough old bugger, Long Shanks a further tot for shorts, JC was mentioned in circle did he get a down down, who cares now? And of course the hare for an overall trail enjoyed by all.

As it was one of the Hares major milestones, the ON INN was held at his luxurious Villa in the village of Cult. A sumptuous feast prepared by Glasgow was laid before us to celebrate the awarding of Sir Deadman Hillary with a weekly government subsidy. All of us who joined in the celebration

went home, well full of excellent food, fine drinks and good cheer on Deadman's birthday no doubt tonight the sky will be alight with bangs, fire smoke, next year he is holding his birthday in the spring!

1846 - Sun 29 Oct 2017 - Airyhall – Hare: Rats & Tot Boy Tom - Scribe: Thrupenny Bits

Theme (apparently there was one): Halloween

Of course there are no rules in hashing, but there must surely be a few unwritten rules. One of them is that the scribe should never be given to a walkie talkie, particularly one that doesn't finish the "walk" until almost the end of the post-run circle.

With that point made here follows a wee tale of my sunday morning, most of which is only relevant to the author.

Big award to Biggles - how can it take anyone 34 years to notch up 100 runs? Apparently because in the early days he sat in his car reading the paper while Not Dot did the exercise. I fear Shit Boyfriend

seemed to think that this was/is/will be an excellent plan to follow.

All the appropriately costumed hashers were treated to sweeties from a strange man, or was it a Rat, while Little Shit was treated to a down down for talking incoherently through his full face mask. Not a clue what he had said, but I did end up holding the scribe jacket and the necessary tools for the job.

So off we all went, together in the same direction for about 100 yards to the first check. And that's the last I saw of the pack.

My Sunday jaunt took me firstly to the beer check, but much too early so, leaving Bruce Almighty and Olymprick to "guard" it, myself and Shit Boyfriend headed on a NoNo trail. Somewhere along the way we picked up last week's hash and found ourselves at Costa, ordering lattes and bakes.

Meanwhile back at the cars the circle was in full swing with downs downs being awarded to:

  • Lang Shanks - no idea why

  • Smurf - for illuminating some hill

  • Its All Because and Killer - for best scary gear

  • Sir Deadmond Hillary - for missing something Halloween related from his horrible history, and

  • Wotzoff - Who knew that there are killer petunias and murderous potatoes and tomatoes on the loose? What will vegetarians eat now?

  • Rats and Toy Boy Tom - for haring. Apparently there was a trail somewhere around the area; Norwood Hall was mentioned in dispatches.

At this point in the proceedings Little Shit and Drillbit wandered back, from who knows where? Not Costa anyway. On Inn to Rats Residence for hot dogs, wine and beer. Hopefully Killer didn't end up flying into a baguette.

1845 – Sun 22 Oct 2017 – Cults - Hare: Underlay – Scribe: Wee Willie ( No scribe)


1844 – Sun 1 5 Oct 2017 - Mineralwell Park, Stonehaven - Hare: Fire Flaps – Scribe: Toy Boy Tom

From Mineralwell Park, where would the trail take us? The only certainty was that we'd end up back at Mineralwell Park. Not that any Hasher would have been looking forward to mineral water at the end of the trail! Except perhaps, Tonto. More on that later.

The GM welcomed 3 visitors and a new runner. Welcome! With an award to award, the GM asked who thought they'd reached 300 runs. TOY BOY TOM as usual, and no doubt as irritatingly as usual, chanced his luck by saying "me, me, me". And a splendid hip flask was awarded to TOY BOY TOM! Perseverance works! And a note pad to take notes for the Scribe report. More on that later.

So where would the trail take us?

Where would the Beer Stop be?

At the first check almost everyone got it wrong - following like sheep! Then off to the sea front, where we passed the new home of Klipe and Mr Klipe-2-B. Apparently, not a lot of beer there, so no Beer Stop there.

Congratulations, Klipe, for your PB at the Great North Run. Get a life!

So onwards, past 2 of the crumbling top spots of Stonehaven: the Highland Boundary Fault and Ury Castle. In the Ury Estate, Red Stripe came across the passenger on the bus who'd invited us (well, he almost did) for a beer at his house (number 2 for future reference) if we past. Unfortunately, he was walking his dog away from his house so no Beer Stop there!

Eventually, the trail took the pack under the A90 and down a steep wooded bank to, yes, the Beer Stop! Some bum skid marks on the steep slope showed that a few had got down that slope faster than they had intended. Skinny Witch, though, demonstrated her ski technique and safely got down. Eventually, milking the egging-on by the pack.

The Hare reminded the pack to choose "W" (wet) or "D" (dry) trail from the Beer Stop. As the Beer Stop was by Cowie Water, there was no doubt where the "W" trail was going! Some Delicate Dainties took the "D" trail. Most weren't Withering Wimps, and headed for Cowie Water, to cross it twice.

Well, it was only mineral water: so what could the problem be?

Well, with Little Shit ahead, the spray was all around as he splashed the oncoming pack.

And apparently a problem also for Tonto, who arrived in the Circle wet through. Down-down for that.

Maybe also for TOY BOY TOM, who put the Scribe note pad in the rubbish bag that he was HELPFULLY carrying back from the Beer Stop - to keep those meticulous notes dry - only to forget to take it out before throwing the rubbish away. Hippo retrieved the note pad. Down-down for TOY BOY TOM in the Circle.

The RAs, Rats and Aids, expertly admonished the deserved with down-downs. With the Scribe note pad in the rubbish until late in the Circle, my rubbish-like memory recalls that someone had called Rats a "scouser" (which, from Rats's reaction, was akin to calling a Scotsman English), Struth had a birthday, some Harriettes had hair-dos and other were brought to account.

A down-down for Hare Fire Flaps and son, and then it was on to the longest Beer Stop of the day: The Marine Hotel!

TOY BOY TOM

1843 – Sun 08 Oct 2017 – Brimond Hill - Hare: Little Shit & Sharnie – Scribe: Numbskull ( No Scribe)


1842 – Sun 01 Oct 2017 – Drumtochty Glen - Hare: Pink Panther – Scribe: Roger Me More

The message from M to all agents.

Your secret mission if you wish to accept is to find the target Agent Pink Panther and follow her pink flour with caution.

Do not blow your cover agents AH3 and good luck.

Mission Pink Panther completed report below..

Conditions - very wild wet and windy.

Agents down - 1 (This made me lol I mentioned to Wee Willie how he had managed the run without a fall, as soon as I mentioned this Struth fell flat on her behind. No harm was done)

Agents that should now better..

Agent Golden Shower - Down down for wasting Aid's time the other day when he had limited time to get to somewhere before it closed. AIDS was 2 minutes late!!

Agent FI FI - Down down for Wavering with walkers map looking for the beer stop

Agent TBits - Down Down Caught speeding in her car and tried to land Agent SB in it!

Agents dismissed from HQ immediately- 3 Agents Gshower, FIFI and TBits.

Agents been contacted to replace the above dismissed from field work are

Agent Aids

Agent Twizzel

Agent Shit Boyfriend

1841 – Sun 24 Sep 2017 – Gartley More - Hare: Binliner – Scribe: Barbarella (no scribe)


1840 – Sun 17 Sep 2017- AGPU, Thainston environs - Hares: T Rex-Cock & Little Shit - Scribe: Rats

RAT's 1st AGPU, who assumed bus was purely to allow piss up after a short run and pre AGPU, WRONG Assumption. GORDON our driver / comic for the day dropped the Pack at place reputedly called "A" as the rain teemed down to learn we were heading to a place called "B"; (Checked OS map on return - NO SUCH PLACES as A & B EXIST in the whole of the UK!!!!!

SIR HILL-ARY advised that in 1840 THE PENNY BLACK was issued for 1s time - glued back to provide 1steasily available / economical form of solvent abuse

RUN SYNOPISIS

So !!! many hills in Aberdeenshire

Wasted time cleaning shoes day before

Bench for Margaret & Arthur Lees Golden wedding 2006 site of their 1st snog??

Aquhorhies Stone Circle 4000/5000 years old - NO takers to suggestion of naked dancing sadly/ though BARBARELLA thought seriously about it

Harriets overheard about being KINKY - realised talking about frizzy hair sadly

2 sweetie stops to fuel fading energy levels, one a site like a film set for Hound of the Baskervilles

Lots of Jungle - low barbed wire fences suitable for Notting Hill

Festival Limbo dancers (when taking time off from muggings/drug dealing..)

Cauldron spotted to cook up magic potions using abundant fungi - must service broomstick with Halloween not too far away

A WELL STOCKED Beer Stop in a unique dank dismal hollow reminiscent of "Deliverance" - distant sound of banjos

Lovely bridge crossing The DON - sure heard salmon running

24,500 steps on FITBIT / advised run was 15 - 17KM ??

HIPPO wearing beige socks with his sandals

Amazing selection of skimpies / thongs / bare skin on display post run

TWIZZLE must have had "physical relations" 8 years ago (has 7 year old son)

Couple of injuries prompted talk of cannibalism if Pack did not escape jungle before darkness fell - WEE WILLIE best option for most to eat. Idea ridiculous as too strong to kill easily

Trail / Trek ENDED at T Rex's & Hen’s House

BRILLIANT TRAINING FOR UPCOMING ADVENTURE OF SKYE TRAIL !!!

Great potential for a TOUGH MUDDER event

BEST AGPU: / A - B Run of year

Well laid trail / Blankets made available for the cold / infirm afterwards

HARES Brilliant/LOADS of flour - good thing or Jungle Rescue team /Cannibalism seriously may have been required

Loads of chivalry displayed helping overcome ditches / traps /ladders/ barbed wire

BRILLIANT ON INN at T Rex / Hen’s / Sherlocks home superb food / hospitality

RUN RATING - 9.9/10 (Lost 0.1 due to escape of Sherlock's ball in fish pond)

AGPU MINUTES

After excellent nosh the GM, LITTLE SHIT called the meeting to order after establishing a valid Quorum for an AGPU was present per the constitution. (Apparently a Quorum is GM + 1 other sober HASHER / HARRIET without STI's ). Were medical records checked?? (A signed note from your mother also valid. Ed)

Awards:

  • PRICKLY BUSH 250 runs (LOVED THE GOLD SANDALS must buy myself a pair)

  • WEE WILLIE 300 runs since 1982 (o/seas expat took precedent for decades)

  • BIN LINER 300 runs

  • THRUPENNY BIT 900 runs!!!! WELL DONE (started AH3 just after leaving school)

  • T REX COCK - 500 runs

  • Hares of Year: HIPPO (5), LITTLESHIT (4), MRS T (4), DRILLBIT (3), SHARNIE (3), TWIZZLE (3), TOY BOY TOM(3)

  • Best Trail of The Year: EVERREADY / PRICKLY BUS (RATS & WEE WILLIE claimed "we were

  • robbed")

  • Worst Trails of The Year: FIREFLAPS/BARBARELLA/BINLINER - plan to work on this for coming Year!!

  • Most Improved Hare: BARBARELLA

  • Scribes of Year: WEE WILLIE / RATS/ RED STRIP/PINK PANTHER/DRILLBIT

  • Worst Scribes of Year (No Scibes.Ed) SHIT BOYFREIND/EVEREADY (is a teacher?)/NUMBSKULL (engineers can't write)/BARBARELLA/GOLDENSHOWER/STRUTH

  • Cash Generators / Most Prolific Hashers of Year: BARBARELLA (48), SHARNIE (45), LITTLE SHIT (43), JC (37), T REX (37), SERGIO (36), SIR HILARY (36), THRUPENNYBIT 936)

  • FA Award of Year- SHIT FOR BRAINS?

  • Mr Muddle Award - BINLINER

  • PREMIERE AWARD OF YEAR - HASHIT OF YEAR - SHITE BOYFREIND

Old Committee Resigned - THANKS FOR ALL THEIR EFFORTS

NEW COMMITTEE/MISMANAGEMENT

GM - LITTLE SHIT

Hash Cash - SHARNIE

RA - Twizzle, Rats (elected while he was heading to Restroom??) and Aids

Hash Beer - PRICKLY BUSH + HIPPO

Head Hare - BARBARELLA, assisted by BINLINER

Social Secs - FIREFLAPS + NUMBSKULL

Meeting Closed and Gordon returned us to the Metropolis of Aberdeen with "The Fields of Athenry"!!! on the sound system Apparently did not have "The Sash" on board

Police stopped bus near Loch of Skene presumably looking for Notting Hill Carnival Drug Dealers / Muggers masquerading as Limbo Dancing Hashers

ANY ERRORS OR OMMISIONS ACCIDENTAL

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

1839 – Mon 11 Sep 2017 - Duthie Park – Hares: Aids & Cinders – Scribe: Rats

Brilliant start to last Monday Run. Pre hash stovies, lift to ON ON by Mrs Rats, spotting en route students heading home prepared for their "taxing academic endeavours" with bags filled by pizzas and Vodka & Assumed their parents had packed enough condoms to last them at least through Freshers Week.

Good turnout including OLYMPRICK the recently appointed Head Plum Picker of the Stonehaven Womens Guild & Advised by Hares run was 5M long - a marathon vs runs set by RATS/WEE WILLIE. Proceedings commenced with announcement of 666 Runs by PIGIRON - great effort. Maybe should be renamed DAMIEN, then again cruel to give anyone a F-----n name????

Run started with historical local points of interest - Duthie Park Gardens, Riverside Graveyard before heading over River Dee to the Metropolis of Kincorth. EVERREADY overheard saying her new Class

appalling and was selling them for Medical Experiments ??THREESOME also had educational theme - daughter starting at Edinburgh University.

Head Hare BINLINER kept HASH HOUND ROLO on serious tight lead while passing a Pit Bull and Mastiff on way to Kincorth Hill - no Pomeranians / Poodles / Maltese Terriers spotted? (never knew Kincorth Hill existed??)

Brilliant views over Deeside/ RGU at well stocked sweetie stop. Hill was owned by Arbroath Abbey in 1178 and grazed sheep there. "Reputedly" where Dons fans initially got their supposed claimed predilections. Did notice a "NO HUNS WELCOME" sign on Hill ???

A brilliant downhill stretch on good tracks lead by BARBARELLA + a diversion through Dark woods eventually lead back to the Beer Check with darkness beckoning.Hash Cash overheard to say "LITTLE SHIT always comes first" was not quite sure of context and too embarrassed to ask? WEE WILLIE and STRUTH arrived together later than the Pack with STRUTH having a damp patch over left boob, WEE WILLIE breathlessly explained some "plausible" story about mud/trips/fences ??? Great Beer check, Deer spotted and then headed back to cars.

Circle Capers under Head Torch Floodlights commenced with THE PENGUIN getting his 1000 Run award - joining the magnificent coterie of HIPPO + LITTLE SHIT. HIPPO’S Zimmer brought especially for event WELL DONE THE PENGUIN

Other Awards:

  • BOB - denial of wearing a dress in Blackadder + buying daughter 2 ferrets as a birthday present

  • SHITE BOY FRIEND - losing car in Glasgow

  • THREESOME - child abandonment / escaping back to Brunei to avoid Winter Runs

  • HORRIBLE HISTORY - arriving post run (but to be fair paid to get tick in book)

  • SERGIO - stealing something ?

  • SERENA - (Not REAL OILY - Personal plate on Range Rover, but no Rolex/Cartier/Ebel watch ???)

  • LONGSHANK - not quite sure

  • HARES - for being Hares

HASH PMT - Positive

  • Good imaginative trail, plenty of flour

  • Cheerful and Helpful Hares

  • Good Sweeties and Beers

  • Good Wildlife on View

  • Good Weather

  • No kidnappings / lost hashers

  • 100% attractive Harriets

  • Brilliant well attended ON INN at "In on the Park" - must return

  • Best last Monday Run of 2017

  • Good Training for Inverness 10K

  • Got Lift Home

  • In 1839 John Herschell took the 1stGlass Plate Photograph

Negative

  • Got job as scribe again

Thoughts

  • Winter around the corner

  • Will AH3 buy me a 60th birthday present

  • Why does frozen mince take so long to defrost

  • Will price per run increase after AGM?

  • RUN RATING: 10+

1838 – Mon 04 Sep 2017 - Craiglash Quarry – Hares: Barbarella– Scribe: Threesome (no scribe)


1837 – Mon 28 Aug 2017 - Forvie Nature Reserve – Hares: Wotszoff – Scribe: no scribe


1836 - Mon 21 Aug 2017 – Tyrebagger - Hares: Little Willy and Rats - Scribe: Pigiron

Now here's a useful tip; If you are going to nick your employer's stationery, make sure you take

the good stuff.

Optimistically watching the sunset for the eclipse I was rudely interrupted by the Hash Megalomaniac to have a high viz. tabard, notebook and pencil trust into my hands with the bellowed instruction to write a glowing account of the run. Of the three items, only one, the notebook, was of any use. Not being on a school outing to the Art Gallery, the tabard was redundant and the pencil was of illegible type H. Now, although far too clever to have done Technical Drawing at school, I do know that this type of pencil was used in Victorian times for sketching in the finer lines of the Spinning Jenny. I challenged the GM on this point and he proudly admitted stealing it from the creaking organisation that pays him to turn up occasionally. Fortunately my vehicle is equipped with a pen, using real ink, for such emergencies and I was able to record the awarding of 350 and 300 run white-metal trophies to Orienteer and Smiler respectively.

Almost ALL of the hash only attend in order to receive an 'orrible 'istory lesson each week, but once again the dictatorial, unelected GM refused Sir Deadmund Hillary a platform pre run. When shall we throw off the yoke of tyranny? Next month actually. Just sayin'. It's gonna be beautiful.

Wee Willy failed to apologise for setting a short run, citing the imminent extinction of our star by the Thunderbird with its mighty black wings as an excuse to return early. Sir Deadmund Hillary knows this to be false news, preferring instead to believe that a dragon eats the sun. Rats knows nowt of such things because he spends his life looking under bridges for trolls when he would be better looking on Facebook.

Speaking of which, thanks to Mr Zucherberg (and a few of his erstwhile friends) I can report that the run was 5.05 kms long (sic), took 48:41 minutes and ascended a breathless 86 metres. One assumes that Barbarella published this data as a form of apology to Steaming Shite and Chicken Shit who were in attendance from the Mearns Hill-walking Club vainly seeking exhaustion.

I didn't make the beer stop, AGAIN, owing to the hares positioning it in an eyrie inaccessible to mature hashers. I suppose it was lovely, but never mind, my body is a temple.

Downs

As usual an opportunity for bullying and settling old scores. Ithink the following took place, but I am easily distracted. It seems that JC claims to use his VW Private Ambulance as a base camp for Munro collecting rather than dogging. Sir Deadmund Hillary challenged him on this assertion with the

result that they both got a down for over-enthusiastic mountaineering.

Suddenly Golden Shower moved into armageddon mode and led an exchange of views and dire predictions on the subject of Lyme Disease. Alas, despite his best efforts he was not invited to carefully examine all the Harriets for ticks lurking in dark moist places.

In defiance of strict hash protocol concerning athleticism Express Chick was congratulated and rewarded for being the third fastest Auld Wifie on the Speyside Way Run (or some similar civilian

event).

The MH4 reps were downed for obscure publicity failures. Chicken Shit may now be known as Flasher in recognition of his fondness for Gatso speed cameras, a device apparently found commonly in Kincardineshire (where?). Not to be kept out of the limelight, Steaming Shite was dragged into the circle to answer for his cruel remarks aimed at the fair city of Glasgow, described as "shite". Nicola has been informed.

A small, but disproportionately loud, tone-deaf chorus formed up to render a song which sounded quite similar to "You're so Vain" usually sung by Carly Simon. Why is unclear. Alcohol eh? What can you do?

After the downs to the hares we thought we could escape, but no, 'orrible 'istory time. This one concerned the Texan Declaration of Independence at Washington-on-the-Brazos in 1836 which did not end well at the Alamo for Colonel Jim Bowie and John Wayne. Never mind they had the best songs and the Mexicans learnt how to deal with walls.

FINIS

1835 – Mom 14 Aug 2017 - Kemnay - Hare: Toy Boy Tom – Scribe: Sauerkraut

Never open your mouth before the scribe duty has been awarded; yours truly was nominated when guessing loudly the run number, although it was right. Your poor scribe got a small writing pad with a pencil you could scratch glass with, but not make any notes.

Although it was a sunny day, by the time we gathered for the hash it was a bit overcast and cold for mid-August!

It was a good turnout of some 35 hashers including, - of course, a dog -, and also a toddler, 'Safe Sex's' one, which makes you wonder about her hash handle (suggest we better change it), someone's teenage grandson and Judy Leslie, a visitor from Brunei and also returner, since she was running before with AH3.

No history lesson this time, but a pre run down-down to get rid of some old beer before we were heading off through the idyllic village of Kemnay. We were promised a real off road country side hash by Toy Boy Tom, and after a few checks in the village the hash trail turned towards the river and the woods and he didn't disappoint us. The many checks kept the front runners to heal and we were all delighted by the lovely trails. So much that some ladies (I won't mention names) were carried away and gave Toy Boy Tom a 'smacking', which he obviously thoroughly enjoyed.

We had to cross a few burns and some hashers, The Penguin, Willy Wotzoff And some others got wet feet.

The raspberries were ripe, and the hare showed good foresight by placing so many checks strategically next to the raspberry bushes.

All in all a great bush run, plenty checks and false trails, and a sweety stop. We passed Judy's place, - I won't mention the address neither a phone number, and from then on the trail was on roads (obviously the hare couldn't be bothered anymore after 10 km). But we had a beer stop after

some 13km, highly appreciated, though still a mile to go, run, walk, crawl. Anyway, a big thankyou to the hare.

Then we had plenty down-downs: the hare, the returner (Judy), the smacking ladies (mistreating our hare, though he enjoyed it), and many more mischievous characters. Yours truly was punished for savouring nature's gifts (no, not girls but raspberries).

On-on on site BBQ, donations went to charity.

Your 'onerable scribe

Sauerkraut

1834 - Mon 7 Aug 2017 – Newtonhill - Hares: Thrupney Bits & Shit Boyfiend – Scribe: Red Stripe

Run number 'whatever' was the answer, although Barbarella made a futile last minute attempt to find it on his phone! Apparently nothing happened in whichever year this week represented!

After deciding it was tricky to form a circle inside a rectangular bus stop, we braved the weather and formed a circlein the road! Aids took on the role of look-out so we didn't get skittled in to the middle of next week by a bus! (We all survived! Thank you Aids)

New runners Mary and Kenny were welcomed. Mary unimpressed at being forced out the house by her mum on such a rainy evening! Kenny, after failing to make contact with his local Elgin hash, decided to venture down from the faraway land of Forres, to join the Aberdeen group instead which also seemed to be reason enough for me to get role of scribe!?

Tazinator was awarded her 50 run T-shirt (Haha Haggissimo! I beat you! - Taz) but wisely refused the next to the skin option as it was 'f**king p*ssing down!

Shocking language! I blame the parents! Oh, hang on

Our weather weary hare stepped in to the circle. Making her voice heard over the noise of the rain bouncing off numerous brollies, Thrupenny announced that we could just skip the trail and get on the next bus to Dundee. A debate ensued about where else we could go in the comfort of a warm dry bus. Unsurprisingly there was no agreement on this possibility within the circle so ditched that idea and we set off on the trail. The runners were informed that they had a 10km route to negotiate while the walkers had the options of a 7, 5 or 3km trail. Way too complicated for my numerically challenged brain to deal with.

The flour led us inland to a track running parallel with the ever-busy A90.

We passed a field of newly shaved sheep, looking a bit cold and hacked off that someone had nicked their protection from the elements. Nearby there were signs indicating we were walking past a church. I never saw it! Do you get invisible churches? And is there a connection with them and the naked sheep?

The rain had eased by the time we attempted human Frogger across the carriageway in to Muchalls. (Only one near miss that I witnessed) Tazinator and the virgin, Mary, realised that they knew each other from their army cadet days, thus relieving them from the tedious 'grown up' chat as we approached the sweetie stop.

Thankfully the sweeties hadn't been completely consumed by the runners (some of whom seemed to be wandering aimlessly without purpose) and we had enough for a bite each. We heading back towards the spreading metropolis of Newtonhill. At this point my 'not as young as I think' body had decided it had had enough of this exercise malarkey and I cut up through the town to the car park. Numbskull was spotted by us wandering off on his own (could he smell the pub?). Having a vague idea where the beer was we had a half-a*sed attempt to find it. And failed. However, we did spot a

geographically challenged Penguin during our search.

The walkers started drifting back from their numerous variations of the trail. In the absence of the rest of the pack and Hash Beer, Olymprick miraculously produced some warm lager from his car and we formed a haggis circle, celebrating 40 years since the first hash trail was laid in Aberdeen.

As the pack filtered in it became apparent that we weren't the only ones who failed to find the beer stop. Shit Boyfriend headed off in the car and brought the elusive beer stop back to the car park. Olymprick complimented the beverages with some cold battered haggis to share. Tazinator received a cold battered mars bar from him for putting up with us all for 50 runs. The circle was called in the relative safety of the car park and the down downs were as follows:

  • Wotzoff - forgetting that we are in Scotland and turning up with no waterproofs or other protection against the elements

  • Numskull - using a map and still going off trail. Explains how he found the pub!!

  • Delina - using her satnav on trail complete with voice prompts

  • Olymprick - generously sharing his greasy cold haggis with us all

  • Barbarella - for being the lead aimless wanderer at the sweetie stop, but still convinced he knew where he was going

  • Golden Shower - not knowing the difference between a 'W' and 'M' (at this point Shirley Valentine mentioned to me that she had written a new song but would have to wait for a toilet related down

  • down)

  • Drillbit - for lubricating something (dunno wasn't listening) with the waste product from his bladder. Cue Shirley Valentine and her new song!!!

  • Shirley Valentine - to welcome her back to Aberdeen as a returner and show our appreciation

  • of her many songs, she was awarded a down down of meths

  • Virgin Kenny (aye right) - surviving our southern weather

  • Drillbit (again) - losing his car keys (again)

  • Aids - for being optimistic enough to think that he could find an older, athletic male for some sort of trial thingy (and WTF is Alice anyway?)

  • One Liner - discovering the only body fat he carries is between his ears

  • By the light of the rising full orange moon the hares,Thrupenny Bit and Shit Boyfriend were

  • thanked for braving the summer weather to lay the trail

  • Shirley Valentine gave a very interesting story behind the very first trail to be laid in Aberdeen, the 40thanniversary of which was the following day (obviously a need for such an important day to be recognized by a visit to the Prince of Wales)

As darkness descended our lost hashers Struth, T-Rex Cock (and Sherlock) and our virgin, Mary finally returned. They scoofed their deserved down downs before we headed to Portlethen for food, drink and banter.

On On

Red Stripe

1833 - Mon 31 Jul 2017 - Bennachie Visitor Centre - Hares: Seagull & Mrs T – Scribe: Binliner

This scribe IS for run 1833, even though I got nominated to be scribe for arguing with the GM who thought it was 1834.

It was a bright and sunny day despite the earlier threat of rain.

At the pre run circle we were pleased to welcome;

  • Rapunzel who was a visitor from Kennett and Avon H3

Three new runners were introduced:

  • Geaine who was brought along by Saurkraut; and

  • Chris and Sarah who found the hash on our website.

And a run award;

  • Drillbit was awarded a 750 run sweatshirt (get a life DB!).

A pre run down down was awarded to;

  • Hippo; He had opened up his rather large, pop up, Woodenspoon gazebo in his living room; then realised he didn't have any instructions for dismantling it. (Just picture the scene!!)

The run started off fairly gently, sticking to the well-defined forest trails. A couple of back checks kept the front runners to heal.

But then the run showed its true colours and we were led across ground covered in felled branches, then rough heather, then thick ferns and dense trees. Some smart arse hashers were seen to give up and go off trail towards Mither Tap, in the mistaken belief the run would end up that way.

No!

After recovering from a long back check, front runners JC and One Liner caught up with the pack which was struggling along particularly rough ground. They tried to overtake along a parallel path only to be held up by an equally slow Drillbit who naively believed his new 750 run T shirt made him faster than he is.

An interesting and enjoyable run. A big thankyou to the hares.

One Liner and Rats had been nominated as Guest RAs, and they awarded post run down downs as follows:

  • Wee Willie - For shiting in the shower. When he flushed the loo in his new house the waste came up in the shower tray.

  • Smurf - . The ISIS bride. Because her mosquito head scarf looked like a burka.

  • Drillbit - The Eddie Stobbard truck driver. For holding up runners in the overtaking lane. (See run description above)

  • The Penguin - For being lucky enough to take 3 month holidays every year. The Penguin also entertained us with the story of the founder of The Hash. Today was the founder's birthday.

  • Bin Liner - Today was my birthday. I didn't realise I had such illustrious company.

  • Barbarella - Discovered sitting down resting on the run. (Claims he was getting sand out of his shoe.)

  • Shit Boyfriend - An appraisal was made of all the midge repellent techniques present in the circle. Shit Boyfriend's Smurf hat was deemed the scariest thing to midges

  • Finally a Down Down to the Hares for what everyone agreed was a good run carried out at short notice following an injury to Hippo. Well done Seagull and Mrs T.

Throughout the down downs and the circle we were all served soup, sandwiches and desert from Hippo's pop-up gazebo. Donations to WoodenSpoon. Hippo had been unable to set the run because of a pulled calf muscle. The injury had occurred two days earlier while chasing a dog away from his chickens. The Hashers all left Bennachie leaving the Roper's struggling to fold the gazebo.

Your 'onerable scribe

Bin Liner (Or it now Panty Liner! Ed)

1832 - Mon 24 Jul 2017 – Seaton Park – Hare: Pink Panther – Scribe: Biggles (no scribe)


1831 - Mon 17 Jul 2017 - Scolty Hill – Hare: Twizzle – Scribe: Oneliner

Well I suppose when you`re as big as I am, you kinda stand out in a crowd. And so it was, that I was selected as Scribe for another Twizzle epic.

The pre-run milling about was punctuated by intermittent dog-fights, but no-one got hurt and no one ran away screaming; so no harm done. Apparently.

On a lovely warm and sunny evening, visitors;

Swiss Roll, Whatt Roll , Spring Roll, and Just Helen from Accra Hash in Ghana were welcomed into the circle along with new runner David, who intoned that he had come along because the Hash seemed "slightly strange".

Well that about sums it all up, since 1938 to the present day.

Stand in RA Ballerina awarded the pre-run Down Down to Barbarella for his bright blue, new shoes and then doubled up with Muff Diver, for wearing the same model of footwear, also new, but in a somewhat less pleasant shade of nuclear .

Twizzle then stepped up to the plate with a lengthy explanation of what the evening`s run might be all be about (would that be following flour to the beer then?). But he took so long that it turned out to be Oscar the dog`s feeding time mid-spiel. So Oscar did the only logical thing and nipped into

the circle to eat Twizzle`s flour.

I know, I know; that sounds like some sort of sordid sexual perversion. But really it was just a big, young Labrador eating flour off the ground.

The run itself was brilliant. Which was a shame for Hippo who wanted to do the Walker`s trail. Something about falling asleep during Twizzle`s explanation of his 3-run set up.

But that 3-run set up Run Long Run Medium and Walk) all went splendidly.

Runners ran in the sun. Walkers walked in the sun. Talkers talked in the sun. And we all got back to the beer after about 90 minutes on trail.

OK at one point Hippo didn`t quite know if he was on Medium run, a Walker`s trail or maybe a Wedium walk or a Malker`s run; but that slight schoolboy error in trail marking aside, it was all well laid and nicely connected. And we didn`t go to that bloody Tower again. Well done Twizzle.

(Not for the FRBs, but everyone else did, including Hippo, so a result as they say Ed.)

Post run Down Downs started with Hash Beer being a little slow off the mark with his provisions, so Ballerina commenced proceedings;

  • by lubricating Underlay accordingly. Again that sounds like some sort of sexual deviancy, but really it was just a youngish man drinking a beer quickly.

  • Then new runner David (he of the "slightly strange" comment) was rewarded for a bit of unintentional short-cutting.

  • The Penguin for falling at Ballerina`s fee. Well in the absence of a 24 year old Latvian Pole Dancer, someone has to do it.

  • T`Ropers for paying to go to the Shetland Simmer Dim; but then not being arsed actually attending. Who was more attractive in a Kilt? Sorry Hippo, but I`ve made my decision.

  • Scabby Arse for appearing at the Hash with no Hash clothing, then doubling up the misdemeanour by donning an anti midgie balaclava (what a look!) emblazoned with his work logo. Self-Publicity is all very well Scabby, but remember what happened to Max Clifford .

  • Drillbit for using a midge laden fern as a fly deterrent. And also for some vague stalking offence best forgotten about.

  • Our 3 Visiting Rolls; Swiss Roll, Whatt Roll , Spring Roll, and Just Helen.

  • David for being new (and slightly strange).

  • Pig Iron and Stainless for not even being able to find the Walker`s Trail. Or was that Malker`s. Or even with Drillbit, the Stalker`s? "Anywa, they jist couldnae find it". I was amused but Wotzoff was unimpressed in equal measure by Stainless` beer discarding technique - which mostly depended on narrowly missing me, with Wotzoff`s leg absorbing it all instead.

  • Hippo - for finding that pesky Walker`s trail.

  • Thruppeney Bits, her driver and Red Stripe for showing customary female disregard for the features on their map. Lost again.

  • Struth for muscling in with an ASSTITTY announcement at an inappropriate moment.

  • Twizzle for being our Hare. Another great trail!

Finally the evening was rounded off with Swiss Roll`s rather languidly received rendition of Sweet Chariot.

You see , the thing about the Swiss being so Neutral is that they forget that this Hash Hymn has also become a bit an English Rugby Anthem in recent years. So most of the Scots present were a little less than enthusiastic. And the English? Well their rugby has been so successful in recent years that even some of them are fed up hearing it. But THANKS SWISS ROLL for attempting to entertain us anyway.

The crowd may have let you down a little, but your intention was perhaps better appreciated than you may have believed.

On On

OneLiner

1830 - Mon 10 Jul 2017 – East Woodlands - Hare: Tonto - Scribe: Sergio

Walkie Talkies - WTF????

I was a bit late for this one. From my house in the west to Tonto's pad north of the city it's a lot of small roads and tight turns, a journey that can't be rushed. Perhaps it will improve when the WPR is completed, as both of us are quite close to the new road.

So when I arrived Hillary was spouting forth about the first train fatality back in 18- something or other. Allegedly one of the VIP's got off the very first train to go from Liverpool to Manchester after expressly being told not to, and got taken out by a train going the other way. Presumably this was the very first train to go from Manchester to Liverpool.

It looked as if there were some new runners or visitors - I missed that bit too, along with more latecomers - It's All Because for one. Tonto explained the signs in the usual fashion and then we were off - up the hill to the left of the garden, the same way we went last year.

Up the hill we went. I exchanged greetings with Aids - don't seem to be seeing much of him on recent runs. A check - on to the right then sharp left towards (and for some, onto and over) the bypass for the next check. About turn and we headed away from the new road going west. We emerged from trees into a cut area and another check in difficult running country. After a while on-on was called down a steep hill. One Liner and I made our way down as fast as we could over the rough ground, trying to catch up all those who had just mingled at the check point (you know who you were). At the bottom of the hill a path and arrows. One pointed the walkers to the right, the other pointed the runners to the left. I, of course, went left - a good move as it turned out.

More rough ground, Aids losing his glasses under a tree. Found quite quickly before they were trodden on which was something I suppose. I walked for a while with Smurf and one of her four legged friends as it was too rough to run. More checks, more ups and downs.

Eventually we arrived at the edge of a wood that seemed familiar. We went in and a beautiful path opened up for us - the best running of the night through the trees and not far out of the far side we arrived at the beer stop at the former car-park on the high road to Tonto's. It was a small select group at the beer stop - no walkie talkies! After a suitable thirst-quencher I set off for the final 10 minutes with Cinders, Willie Wotzoff and Fireflaps along the road back to Tonto's.

The runners slowly regrouped. Still no sign of the walkie-talkies. Refreshments were taken, peanuts chewed. The smell of burgers on the Barbie drifted across to us. Finally we cracked. The runners descended on the barbeque and tables groaning with salads and accompaniments.

Finally, the walkie-talkie's started drifting in. Who knows where they had been - but it wasn't the way they should have gone! And I suspect it was a lot further too! They were a little peckish after their ordeal too – and formed a second locust-like wave over the food.

It was obviously going to take some time until everyone had eaten their fill and I had to get back so I left proceedings at this point. I believe a circle eventually took place, but the secrets of the guilty will not be reported this week. Later, a fire was lit and those that remained sat around posing for FB photos, if the photos I saw on FB later are to be believed.

Well done Tonto and Egg Foo - great spread. Pay attention next time, walkie-talkies!

ON ON,

1829 – Mon 02 Jul 2017 – Stonehaven - Hares: Fire Flaps – Scribe: no scribe


1828 – Mon 26 Jun 2017 - Burnett Park, Banchory - Hares: Red Stripe and Haggissimo – Scribe: Toy Boy Tom

"It nice to see you, haven't seen you for a long time" was the nice welcome I received when I arrived. Yes, it was good to be back on trail with AH3.

However, under-mining this nice welcome were the less-welcome unspoken words that all you have to do is wear this bright yellow Scribe jacket and run through 2 fields of bulls and write the Scribe report, if you survive!

The trail was a tour of the historic of Banchory. So that phrase isn't read the wrong way, I mean through the more recent history of Banchory rather than by the older Hashers of Banchory!

Or, given the evidence on the run, perhaps I do mean by the older Hashers, with failing eye-sights and failing memories.

The first piece of evidence was in the opening Circle, when Twizzle couldn't see TOY BOY TOM, dressed in his bright yellow Scribe jacket, to award TOY BOY TOM the pre-run down-down for wearing un-summer like clothing. Failing eye-sight, Twizzle?

On-On is that way, cried Red Stripe. I don't know if the Hares had intended the trail to be a historical tour. It took in some of the, now disused, holes 2 to 17 of Inchmarlo golf course, proceeded along a portion of the, now disused, Deeside railway line and ended passing the, very disused, entrance to Tor-na-Dee hospital. All of which now pleasantly finding a more useful role as great Hash territory!

Under the careful watch of Haggissimo over the runners and Red Stripe over the walkers, we arrived at the beer stop almost at the end of the trail. Now many may know that Long Shags (sorry, I refuse to call him by his correct Hash handle) has entered the Aberdeen Half Marathon. Maybe feeling that the Hash trail was not going to be long enough for his training regime, he hadn't zipped up his pocket so his car keys would fall out a little way back along the trail. Or had he simply forgotten to zip it up? Evidence number 2. So 4 of us accompanied him to look for them.

Twizzle spotted the keys in the grass on trail. So maybe his eye-sight isn't so failing after all. But maybe the rest of the pack's is. For Long Shags had been the FRB at the stage, so the rest of the pack must have run straight over those keys! Evidence numbers 3 to 30.

Of the 4 that accompanied Long Shags to try to find his keys, Twizzle and TOY BOY TOM followed the flour to the Circle. But where were JC and Willie Wotzoff?

Eventually they arrived from the wrong direction. Failing memories, gents, to "follow the flour: the flour is your friend"? Evidence 31 & 32.

Not that the Scribe has a failing memory, but I think that the Circle was more or less over by the time I arrived back. Which is probably just as well. Otherwise TOY BOY TOM may have received a down-down from Sharnie for thinking that the run fee might have changed from 3. Well, it's been a while!

Down-downs were awarded to:

  • The Penguin for cutting his hand;

  • The Penguin for giving Stonehaven Beer Festival beer tokens to babes on the bus;

  • Willie Wotzoff for falling over a dog (or hole in the ground) on trail; and

  • The Hares. Thanks for a good run!

That was Haggissimo's last run with AH3 for a while - he's off to work (so he says) in Amsterdam. No doubt we'll see him on AH3 again soon! On his return, will he be appointed Scribe, hopefully without the added challenge of running past bulls in a bright yellow jacket and a failing memory?

TOY BOY TOM

1827 – Mon 19 Jun 2017 – Woodend Barn - Hares: Long Shanks – Scribe: no scribe


1826 – Mon 12 Jun 2017 – Johnston Gardens - Hares: Rats & Wee Willie – Scribe: no scribe


1825 – Mon 05 Jun 2017 - Durris mast - Hares: Little Shit & Sharnie - Scribe: Steaming Shiite

We were allowed to drive right up to the mast which is good but that meant that it's downhill first and uphill when we are knackered. A good turnout, counting around 26 cars parked all over the place.

Little Shit approached me to be the scribe again, what an honour (not). I didn't do the last one anyway cause I didn't stay for the circle, so I best to do this one and get him off my back.

GM called the circle and identified Red Strip and Sergio as the RAs and he awarded a pre run down to the bearded guys, Underlay, Bin Liner & Olymprick.

Two new runners Lorraine & Mark from Aboyne (recruited by Red Stripe) were welcomed and we eventually set off.

After a boggy start and a back check without a check, we skirted around mast and before we descended down, along and back up and up to the beer check and then back to the start where Sharnie had put on brilliant spread. Soup, sandwiches salad, etc. Thanks for that, it was very much appreciated.

The Circle was called and down downs awarded as follow:

  • Red stripe awarded a down down to short arses, JC, Penguin & Olymprick

  • Red stripe awarded JC for leading folks up the garden path and not being on flour

  • Underlay awarded Numbskull for his shopping experience when he found polish in the food section

  • Little shit awarded Olymprick for being pissed (surprise surprise) coming back from Brussels and escorted out.

  • Bruce Almighty awarded Olymprick a T shirt for the expectation that his gear would still be in the lost property abroad after 6 years

  • Ballerina prepared Olymprick with his favourite childhood food Bacon chip butty (no Bacon) to go inside his unfinished down down beer (Yum Yum). Even the dogs wouldn't eat the crumbs

  • The two new runners Lorraine & Mark from Aboyne who hadn't heard of Durris forrest or the mast got their down downs. (Useful info for their naming)

  • Little Shite got a down down from his new sneakers. Not sure who shopped him.

  • Haggissimo awarded;

  • Little Shit for his pyjamas which he was made to take off

  • Red stripe for being drunken disorderly

On Inn: Scotts Skinner

In short:

Excellent run and grub but loads of f***ing midges.

On on

Steamin

1824 – Mon 29 May 2017 - Dyce – Hare: Drillbit – Scribe: Numbskull (no scribe)


1823 – Mon 22 May 2017 – Quarry Rd, Cults – Hare: Underlay – Scribe: Eveready (no scribe)


1822 – Mon 15 May 2017 - Hazzlehead Park – Hare: Goat Wrestler – Scribe: no scribe


1821 – Mon 08 May 2017 - Donside Villiage Square – Hare: Barbarella – Scribe: no scribe


1820 – Mon 01 May 2017 - Crathes Village Hall – Hare: Prickly Bush – Scribe: Rats

Arrived at On ON with BIG WILLIE in good time, to meet HIPPO who was stand in for Hash Cash / Extortionist. At the circle AIDS was clearly unaware RATS had not been a Scribe since Saudi in 1999 when he resigned job JUST before he was fired for Sedition NPC journalism. Impressed that given a small notebook clearly recognising potential onset of dementia though no pen provided.

PMT of event

Positive

Run summed up perfectly by AIDS "Artfully created Run" - Well done PRICKLY BUSH

Apres Run Chilli and Cake AWESOME!!

Route via new Crematorium very imaginative - no complaints from residents about noise

Route in woods very atmospheric - though got VERY nervous on hearing sounds of Banjo Playing and Hogs squealing in the distance

Celebrating ANNIES birthday

HORRIBLE HISTORY

enlightened AH3 that 1820 was when electricity was harnessed by Mr Faraday enabling use of "bedroom gadgets" but why was he looking at STRUTH????

RATS got awesome hat created by SHARNIE (DELIGHTED WITH IT offered to pay HIPPO but he reckoned as an Accountant / Hospitality Rep credit was good)

Old Station on railway line very authentic WHINGERS and NUMBSKULLS electric bikes had enough Juice to arrive. Did they get home?

SMURF's new tattoos

EXCELLENT Variety of well-behaved HASH HOUNDS

Standard of Beer and snacks VERY IMPRESSIVE

PRICKLY BUSH - helpful and considerate Hare

Route passed by home of recently retired Olympic Swimmer Mr Rennick

No Malaria reported as yet in spite of passing a small fetid lagoon

Minus

Too many nettles - though good for vegans/veggies soup

Rumours on TV news of chilli smelling methane in Ozone layer 2/5/2017?

A small number of affluent Hashers expressing political support for some tax payer funded progressive" called Nicola??? She is apparently offering an eco- friendly future of life in swamps, lit by tallow candles over romantic dinners of roasted squirrels. She reputedly will lead this new society with her Husband from a small simple residence called Bute House funded by Barnett Formula / English Taxes "squirreled away" over previous Decades/Centuries.

THERESA MAY who had used the Crathes Hall on Saturday had already returned to England disappointing a myriad of her AH3 voters / supporters present at 1820.

INTERESTING

Pack when close to Crematorium confused whether following flour or leftover ashes from the celebrations earlier on in the day.

SERGIO whinging that his Seiko watch of 37 years hashing had finally packed in. Clearly not REAL OILY TRASH - if so he would have bought a Rolex. Thought most people in Aberdeen wore one???????????

If a Liberal Minded journalist colleague JEREMY CLARKSON ever finds RATS has been wearing a "Jobsworth" HI Viz jacket potential weekends in Cotswolds driving Low Emission Eco friendly Range Rovers, Land Rovers, and Italian exotica are well and truly off the agenda.

BARBARELLA's GoPro like gadget ran out of juice.

Old Station on railway line very authentic unfortunately Buffet was closed.

Asked by IVANKA if came from Liverpool!!!!! ) (p.s. you are just forgiven.).

Second accusation in 5 days PLEASE NOTE RATS HAS NO EXPERIENCE OF STEALING CARS/ ALLOY WHEELS or house breaking. He is a Cumbrian who has been on Missionary service in Scotland for many years.

PINK PANTHERS washing machine not yet repaired, presumably why still in clothes from Balmoral walk on Wednesday.

Hashers using electric bikes versus human propulsion. What next step Mobility Scooters with Down Downs by straw / sippy cups??

DOWN DOWNS (had ran out of paper so could not remember exact crimes / reasons).

RATS, WHITE STRIPE, NUMBSKULL, SMURF, ONE LINER, PRICKLY BUSH, SHIGGY DICK.

RUN SCORE 9.99/10

(Only let down by Scouser accusation)

- "Without Prejudice"

1819 Mon 24 Apr 2017 - Clunie Wood - Hares: Binliner - Scribe: Barbarella (no scribe)


1818 Mon 17 Apr 2017 - Balmedie Beach - Hares: Hillary - Scribe: Dorita (no scribe)

1817 Sun 09 Apr 2017 - Feughside, War Memorial - Hares: Ballarina - Scribe: Underlay (no scribe


1816 Sun 02 Apr 2017 - Berrymuir, Portlethen - Hares: Eveready & Golden Shower - Scribe: Drillbit

The last time that we were in Portlethen, temporarily displaced to the Medical Centre, we needed all the winter woollies we could find. Todays' run was held in glorious sunshine. Out with the tee shirts!

Aids our acting RA introduced a returner, Dad Dads daughter Fiona. Fiona was not forthcoming with her hash handle as she wanted a new one and it had been so long since her last run nobody could remember it!

No announcements that I can remember followed by Sir Deadmund Hillarys Horrible History Lesson:

The 1815 eruption of Mount Tambora was one of the most powerful eruptions in recorded history. The eruption column lowered global temperatures, and some experts believe this led to global cooling and worldwide harvest failures, sometimes known as the Year Without a Summer in 1816

Off we went in a Northerly direction past the school to the first check where Bin Liner, having forgotten poop bags for his dog, was busy bin dipping looking for a plastic bag. Fortunately a passing dog walker saved him further embarrassment. The hares were not giving up the check easily and eventually continued in the direction of Thruppeny Bits house.

With no help again at the check from the hares a narrow entrance to a cliff path behind Thruppenys Bits house was found. We have all ran around Portlethen several times and nobody there knew about it. Anne later mentioned she has never taken us that way as it is a bit dangerous! Several folk did stumble, including myself, and gave us a wee scare.

The trail then had a slight detour down to the rocks below for a 100 m or so of which 50% of the pack followed. Bin Liner and Skinny Witch then decided to join us down a steeper part where Bin Liner had to rescue his dog and catch Skinny Witch.

On on through a farm yard to yet another check.

Surely we have to start back at this point as another devious check took us even further South to Downies. The trail was only found approx. 250m away due the persistence of JC and again with no help from the hares which led into the village of Downies and down a path to the cliff edge and a Sweety Stop.

Sweety Stop Downies ( Last check in the background in the farm yard)

Surely we have to start going back now. Not so! Through Downies and another long path South before turning and heading for a bridge across the railway.

This was the turning point now across a field which eventually led us to a path back to the edge of the housing at Portlethen. Even at this late stage the hares managed to let several of the front runners find themselves on the wrong side of a deep burn and barbed wire. The trail actually took us

over a bridge to avoid these obstacles and let us chuckle at the FRB's struggling!

Finally into the back of the Portlethen housing estate and the beer stop at Evereadys house. We feasted on a variety of cakes with an Easter theme (at least I did) and then a short run back to the cars.

Down Downs:

  • New runner with long legs christened 'Longshanks' because he was English.

  • FiFi for lapping a field while checking several times without seeing the flour on the gate with Aids following and becoming grumpier with each lap.

  • Longshanks for wearing a Baker Hughes 10K tee shirt. A little unfair as he had only done a few runs and doesn't yet have a hash tee shirt.

  • Hillary for being unfair above.

  • JC and Wee Willie for arriving late and sitting in the car until they had seen the scribe being awarded to yours truly

  • Fiona the returner. 1986 being the year her last run was mentioned?

  • Bin Liner bin dipping

  • Hillary searching for cockles and muscles

Thanks to the hares, Eveready and Golden Shower for an excellent run, sneaky checks and beer (cake) stop

On Inn: The Paddock next to the car park. The staff looked after us well.

On On

Drillbit

1815 - Sun 26 Mar 2017 – Bridge of Feugh – Hare: Binliner – Scribe: Big Jim

G'day mates, Bruce Big Jim here reporting from pommy land.

Strewth that's wrong, it's Scotland and these blokes are alright as they don't like the Poms either.

Anyways me and Bruce Hippo and his SHEILADECIDED TO GO WALKABOUTS in the bush. V Seemed reasonable as the sun was scorching and we were warned to slip, slop, slap to prevent sunburn. We'd been on the grog (sunk a few tiniest of the amber nectar) last night, but luckily we had Bruce Biggles and Sheila Not Dot who had put their swagsat Bruce Hippos pad and they was the skipper for our road trip.

We packed a cut lunch and water bag for the drive to Bridge of Few near to the Billabong at Bankrey. Bushfire rating is low so we can maybe put some prawns on the barbie with a few coldies of the amber nectar. Crikey, there's a a flamin mob of them all dressed in their bathers like they're going to the beach. Apparently some drongo and his dingo have been out laying flour on the ground. Bloody waste of good flour, we could've made some damper to go with them prawns.Now some silly Bruce (AIDS) offers me a tinny. Good on yer sport, but next time could you fill the pot a bit more?

Just saying mate!

The dingo drongo starts yapping on about, ah who knows what. Nobody was listening. In fact he was so boring we all decided to leave and start this bush walk malarkey.

Seems like this dingo Bruce is really indecisive. We go so far and then we'd stop and have to send scouts to find that wasted flour.

One of the wise Bruces (Little Shit) advised the scouts to always look uphill. Seemed like good advice to me. One thing you learn when you are out in the bush is to learn from the indigenous peoples, they know all the local water holes and bush tucker.

All is going well until I start following Bruce AIDS, "strewth mate we've run out of trail. What's the go now?" "Oh, yeah that'd be right, we've got to turn around and play catch up with the rest of the

Bruces and Sheila's."

WTF!!!!! Now we're going downhill, that seems wrong. So I decided to follow this young Bruce, he's a good tracker and soon we're ascending the hills.

"Ah bugger me mate, you've lead me the wrong bloody way!"

Finally we find the dingo Bruce and, strike me down with a kangaroo's tail, he's found a stash of coldies. He's a great bloke. The whole mob's here and they decide we've had enough and it's time to go back to the camp.

They're a right good bunch of blokes (and Sheilas) as they start giving away free tinnies. Also some Bruce has baked a cake. Better keep your back to the wall there mates, that baking is Sheila's job. Just saying.

The lucky recipients are:

  • Threesome for gate crashing.

  • Gold digger for ????? (Fuck knows what)

  • Not Dot for, well just because.

  • Bruce AIDS for bringing sunshine. Actually it was a gift from down under. You’re welcome.

  • Mother's Day and some rude cards about them Lady bits down under.

  • JC for getting a root in his passion wagon.

  • Pink Panther for being a cross dresser. Strewth mate I could have sworn she (he??) was a Sheila. I reckon I might have had a chance of pulling there, but forewarned...... Strange possums these Scottish Poms.

  • Toy Boy Tom and Gizmo had birthdays. Good on yer mates.

I bludge a ride to the pub with Pink Panther, but knowing what I now know I'm keeping an eye out for any untoward moves from a transvestite. I know they say that what happens in Scotland stays in

Scotland, but us Aussies have one rule. " No Poofters!" And " No trannies" Okay, two rules...etc.

On On Big Bruce Jim

1814 - Sun 21 Mar 2017 – Garlogie - Hare: Sergio - Scribe: Pigiron

Just been picked by Acting GM Dude to do the Hash Trash. This guy is very bad (or sick). But I am really smart. This is going to be great hash.

Really GREAT. Gave horn to Underlay. Sad!!

Sir DeadMund Hillary In spite of public demand is giving Horrible History. False News about beer flood in London Town in 1814. All people in London killed. Tragic but fair!!! Good smart guys in US would have drunk all the beer!

Just saying, sad Limeys.

Hare is very intelligent guy. Smart. Gave walkers a map to Beer stop. I walked the other way because I am very smart and false map planted by Brit GCHQ (which means Brit secret radio place) Not so secret now!! Stainless looking great this morning. Just saying.

No info about run. This is a conspiracy by guys who pretended to be on run but weren't even there. Why was FiFi alone at the beer stop? Why was there only orange drink? Apple producers disadvantaged by Hare buying policy.

This will have to be changed. Really nice weather! Alternative Fact.

Back at onon place. Very nice. Started raining just now, not good. No real RA, just part-time duds who can't speak English! highly qualified, very nice, wanted circle in rain. Crazy! Dame in corner of yard with umbrella and fire. SAD! Some kind of beggar.

Just found notes of circle stolen! Must be those CHQG guys again. Luckily I am very smart and rich and went to University and can remember everything.

Ballerina gave down to Smiler for coming late, and losing way sort of thing. Eveready gave down to Ballerina for swinging from tree and causing environmental disaster.

Muffdiver gets a down for doing something. Joined by T rex Cock and The Penguin for spilling blood. Embarrassing! New environmental disaster called Sir Dead Mund Hillary called out for noise pollution despite being told not to. Crazy Guy!!

Visitors from Dar es Salaam called Panty Pockets and Bag o Bones and a dude from someplace else not on immigration list given downs by ActingGMDude because no-one able to think of anything else to do. All hash going to have soup and sandwiches provided by hare and One Foot. Crazy name! Crazy Gal!

1813 – Sun 12 Mar 2017 - Foggieton - Hares: Pigiron - Scribe: no scribe


1812 - Sun 05 Mar 2017 – Tollohill Wood - Hare: Drillbit – Scribe: Wee Willie

A Tale of Two Runs

Dangerous standing too near Little Shit- I get the opportunity to make up stuff about the run. A new location for me, a lovely day, so potential for a fun outing. A few parking challenges, but the hash can fit lots of cars into a small space. I was very impressed with Master Baker doing his traffic cop impersonation, complete with meaningful hand signals.

Two visitors- new hasher and visitor from California, had heard that a couple of hours with AH3 was better than two hours in bed on a Sunday morning.

We were informed by Aids that on the back of Cinders baking prowess at the week-end Threesome had baked a job-lot of donuts for after the run- generating a lot of excitement in the circle.

Apparently on this very run in 1812 Beethoven wrote his famous overture- I never realised that history could be so interesting until I joined the Hash…

Drillbit promised us a medium length run (5 miles??), with plenty of mud. Always good to know. It was on-on into a bit of forest, then after some milling-around, onto a road, up a hill, with hashers even seen running uphill. Smurf was a noticeable culprit. It was ominous seeing Drillbit on the trail on his bike, last time I was on a run set by bike (Portlethen, Master Baker), we achieved a henomenal

level of fitness due the many hours running around said town. We had some wonderful views over the river to Cults & Countesswells at this point, definitely better than staying in bed.

Walking up the hill I discussed with Threesome exactly what kind of donuts we could expect to receive at the end of the run, and was very happy with the culinary description. I noted that I needed to speed-up on the run to make sure I got back to the circle before the limited supply of donuts were gone. note to RA- this does not mean I was racing!

But, in the words of our esteemed bard Bobby Burns- “‘the best laid plans of man oft gang agley”- let me explain.

Back into the forest. Not too many hashers about- Golden Shower, me, Struth. We saw Golden Shower disappearing up a hill, a route to my expert eye that was obviously not the trail. Struth and I would be much more sensible continuing down the hill, along a wee burn. With no calling from Golden Shower we were certain of route, and took time together to solve the world’s problems. This did also include discussion of our favourite flavour of donuts, but we were confident that our combined 40+ years of hashing had given us intellect to work-out where Drillbit was taking us… downside was we soon ran out of flour, and we therefore proceeded to run an alternative hash,

Which periodically managed to find trail, before we subsequently lost it again. At no point in the rest of the afternoon did we catch sight of Tim, or any living being or hasher (apart from a glimpse of Numbskull, who for obvious reasons we decided not to follow).

So, as scribe, this write-up may not reflect what you experienced on Sunday…which is unfortunate for you all. Even more unfortunate was Struth & my return to the circle (just in time for the final down-down before the search party was sent out)- after all donuts had gone. So maybe there is something to be said for racing on the hash…

OnOn

Wee Willie

1811 - Sun 26 Feb 2017 - Hill of 3 Stones - Hares: One Liner & Skinny Witch – Scribe Toy Boy Tom

Civilities were, as usual, observed in the opening Circle:

New runner Richard was welcomed.

Visitor Ciderman from Elgin Hash was welcomed.

The Hares were introduced, and enticed us to the run with the closing comment from Hare One Liner that the last mile was sh*t but it'd worth it to get to the beer.

We set off. And having performed some virtual checks where the flour had disappeared overnight, we headed up a wet and slippery hill, and then hit the last mile. Well, all of us except Cinders who decided to keep to the forestry road. This not only increased the length of her run but also ended

her up the wrong side of the Slug Road hill! "Follow the flour - the flour is your friend"!

Everyone waded through the squelchy ground, through the long grass, across the debris from felled trees, fell down holes and jumped the burn. Only to arrive at the beer stop to the find the Walkie Talkies and short-cutters laughing happily at the spectacle!

Civilities were, as usual, not observed in the closing Circle, and theRAs Aids, Bruce Almighty and Twizzle publically admonished those who deserved.

Tonto for knowing what happened in 1811, and thereby upstaging RA Twizzle: 10 to the minus 23 was discovered. Why and for what purpose remains a mystery to most of us!

Cinders for her short cut (well, smugly, she was dry and unscarred from that last mile!)

Struth for being serial debtor, having failed to have any change to pay the run fee. Apparently, she hadn't at yesterday's MH4 run either! All her change was in Boaty was the excuse.

Bruce Almighty for his obvious delight at the pack struggling through that last mile whilst knowing that there was a forestry road not so far away: "let them suffer", he said.

Barbarella for losing a glove on trail. Not sure why he got a down-down for only losing a glove: some of us lost all feeling in our toes during that cold, waterlogged last mile!

New runner, Richard, for saying he quite enjoyed the last mile! He's either polite or insane (in which case he'll fit in nicely!).

Threesome for being as smartly dressed as ever. It could be said that Aids was enamoured by her gear, trousers and boots in particular. Until Cinders asked if they cost more than a tenner, at which point Aids seemed to prefer his "experienced" clothing.

Haggissimo for taking a beer round with him on the trail, or more correctly, his short cut version. He commented that the down-down beer tasted better than his beer. Worrying, until he revealed that his beer had been Heineken light! Not beer at all!

The Hares were rewarded for their run with some tasteless down-down beer.

At which point it became clear that there had been a domestic yesterday mid-way along laying the trail over that last mile. And even that this morning Skinny Witch had tied herself to the front door so could avoid that last mile. Yesterday, after she'd pointed out to One Liner that that wasn't the route they'd recced, Skinny Witch eventually told One Liner "you set the f*cking run!"

On! On!

Scribe

TOY BOY TOM

1810 – Sun 19 Feb 2017 – Drumoak – Hare: Numbskull – Scribe: Skinny Witch

HARE: NONESKILL

Where do I begin? Well I know how it ended and not necessarily where I was but, at least I remembered I was scribe, so appointed because I was f**king about in the circle!

Someone called Lunch pack or Lunchbox was called in to the circle for a reason I didn't hear ...nor did I hear the name Andrew but that was mentioned much later... he seemed to have stood next to 'Pennies at a wedding in a kilt, but I was still dealing with the hash pencil at this point...too pointy, so I don't really know what that was all about; there was no horrible history, so this hash is clearly not memorable, but I do remember Shaggissimo getting a triple reasoned pre run down down... masquerading as a hasher at Crathes when he went straight to the beer with Sluice Almighty...TUT TUT, wearing a woolly hat in the circle, and wearing WOMENS CLOTHING!!!!! Don't know what's wrong with that Un Liner wears mine all the time :)

So ON ON

There was a big hill and I decided, given that everyone was walkin' up said hill, I wouldn't slum it with the pack, but have some decent conversation with the walkers and more genteel hashers. I explained to said persons that if there was any unhashy like behaviour that I would be blowing my

whistle....and you know what I never did!!!!! (I'd heard you were usually ok giving a good blow! Ed)

I was persuaded by an experienced hasher that I shouldn't bother with a loop thing she had spotted, but the terrain offered was a bit tricky for my aging eyesight and knees so I decided to follow flour through a wooded area; then I got bored, and spotting where the loop was headed was

persuaded to short cut back to the 1st of many bits of road; I hooted the hash horn a few times and was then back on some more road and met Olympink; he told me that today was change peoples hash names by one or more letters(hence the pink ); so I looked around and thought of new names for those around me...and some suggestions were offered but probably an in joke for me and Olympink; I felt obliged to hash on , as the net grew tighter, if only the' Truth' were so............... anyway, further down this stretch of road I met Shaggismo and pugs( and a lovely lady whom I had no name for ); this was confusing for me because I seemed to be finding walkers everywhere and no sign of the end of the pack, whom I could hear often, but not see . I then found FooFoo (where did

she even come from!!!!) walking but not apparently conversing with Sluice Almighty, so I hashed on to catch up with Drole bit and then the hare who wanted to distract us from the beer stop(go this way it's shorter said the man on a bike) which was in sight!!!!

So....... the sun was shining and I was un-layering (unheard of behaviour for me, as I'm usually in to double figures by the time we are beering up).

I started to remember some antics from Friday night's goulash experience as some familiar faces appeared before me.....and was hoping that others might be forgetting , the red wine fuelled hash grope...not me just sayin'...you all know who you are :)

Everyone was appreciative of the lovely location of the circle and fabby weather, and so the down downs began, after Red Slip was invited to hash beer... this was interesting as she was really quite keen to exit stage right and have a girlie moment and may go some way, to explain, although perhaps not, why Flaps tipped the beer and tankards out literally into the circle...interesting start.

My very very, very sharp scribe pencil broke so this is what I can remember of down downs; names have been changed to respect identities :)

1. Eversteady was upset that Shy Maintenance and Drolebit, were sitting on her car with their fat arses :) Am I allowed to say that???? (yup, Ed)

2. Olden Shower was charged by Her Muchness for failing in his duties to direct traffic and poor Snuff drove all the way to Banchory to find an alternative route to the pedestrian causeway profferred; she met Lunchbox on the way and Muffsaver slaving to his Satnag

3. The RA was troubled greatly by the squirrelous receipt offered to hash cash for today's run; flour water and alcohol, and a cheeky tube of Grecian 2000... In his defense the hare explained it's not for his pate...............................

4. All the hash single ladies, were on the lash this weekend, so Eversteady, Red Slip, Strutt and Fire Flats took it all apparently.

5. Her Muchness was in trouble for a girlie threesome that wasn't going to plan with Red Slip, and a.n.other, friend of Fire Flaps.

6. Lunchbox was back in as a new runner, but he was happy because he thinks all this hashing mlarky works...but then he is related by marriage to Nicky the Starving Artist, former hasher....interestingly, said Nicky the hasher, I am reliably told by Olympink, (and 'Penny bits) has a very sexy voice...so sexy, she was invited by Olympink to leave a message on his answerphone.... Said message apparently prompted all sorts of uncalled for messages, but went along the lines of:

'Hello...I'm sorry Graeme's not in yet...wait, ahhh, yes he's nearly in! awww yeah he's in. Please leave a message."

I digress;

7. Transport...a charge from Muff Saver for Swizzle and Ballerhino; Mrs Swizzle doesn't know and neither did Ballerhino, that after they shared a taxi home on Friday night post Goulash, and Ballerhino failed to keep Swizzle awake, Swizzles taxi ride to the Raemoir Hotel (duh!) resulted in

a 5 mile trek home for him...you silly Swizzle.

8. Fire Flats for being the best ever Social Sex according to Noneskill.

9. Noneskill for being 69 in New Zealand and Fire Flats for flapping or something...Her Muchness was heard to allude that her chilli needed stirring at this point???????

10. The hare for setting a lovely run.

I missed the On Inn as I had to get home and write my scribe as challenged by Olympink , but chilli was available and proceeds to British Heart Foundation, so praise to the hosts Noneskill

and Her Muchness.

OnOn,

Your 'umble Scribe

SKINNY BITCH

1809 - Sun 12 Feb 2017 – Portlethen - Hare: Thrup'ny Bits – Scribe: Muff Diver

We assembled at a cold and windy car park at the Portlethen clinic after finding out the planned railway car park had been taken over by Babcock vans.

The circle was formed and awards were given out to:

Tonto for 500 runs (get a life) and

Cinders for 900 runs.

Hippo was very keen to see Tonto's naked torso and called for "next to the skin". This, Tonto obliged and on discarding his clothing. A very bad dog, Rollo, ran off with his sweatshirt.

Aids had a better joke than normal and raised a small chuckle, far more than the usual groans.

A horrible history lesson followed from Sir Deadmund Hillary, on this very day in 1809 Charles Darwin was born. He later came out with his theory of evolution. Remember it's a theory and with a bit of research it can be shown the ideas are all bollocks. Look it up.

Can't believe it's still being rammed down our throats in 2017.

Rant 1 over

The hare was called into the circle to give us our instructions. High Maintenance enquired where Shit Boyfriend was. "Living up to his name" was the reply.

So, 3 and we were on.

The sun came out as we ran down the cliffs by the life boats. At the top of the cliffs were tank traps. Barbarella wondered why they had been placed so high above the beach. I told him the British were

planning ahead with global warming plans. If the polar ice caps melted the sea would rise 200 feet and then the Germans could drive their tanks off the landing crafts straight onto the top of the cliff.

Actually, global warming is also bollocks and Donald Trump is right! Rant 2 over

Some fool put Numskull in charge of the newbie but Nummers was running so fast the poor girl was lost in the bush. We found her at the end though. (Rant? Ed)

A cold and windy beer stop followed but the beer was GOOD beer. Which isn't often the case these days. (Rant? Ed)

The usual cheap crisps had been replaced with Asda Smart Price crisps.

Bloody hell. Run fee goes up, quality goes down. And instead of 25g of crisps these bags are only 18g! I notice these things...... Rant 3 over.

Glasgow and Sir Deadmund Hillary had to rush off at this point to go and do Down Dog at the gym.

Aids told us his valentines' poem he had prepared for Cinders.

The gist of it was:

"Roses are red, Emeralds are green.

You've got the biggest ass, I've ever seen."

Down downs:

  • Drillbit told us a story where Roger me More decided she was Mary Berry this morning. She cooked some cheese scones but Underlay wandered into the kitchen and decided to do his best Paul Hollywood impression and tell her she was not doing them correctly. Brave or stupid?!

  • Eveready had asked Drillbit during the run what all the banging was. It was a clay pigeon shooting range. For some unknown reason Drillbit thought it was the noise of a muck spreader.

  • Weird.

  • Mrs T spent most of the run worrying about the new girl but made no attempt to turn round and look for her. On On!

  • Thrup'ny Bits tried to drop High Maintenance in it by pointing out that she was not doing the scribe notes. Actually she had started earlier and delegated me to finish them off. So, rebound!

  • Binliner took the down down for his naughty dog Rollo.

Numskull reminded us that next week on his run he is 69 years young and would like everyone to bring a bottle of Malt Whisky as a present. Surely he'd prefer a meal for two? Think about it!

On On

Scribes

High Maintenance and Muff Diver

P.S. and we didn't go to the moon either

1808 - Sun 05 Feb 2017 – Crathes Castle - Hare: Cinders & Aids – Scribe: Whinger (no Scribe)


1807 - Sun 29 Jan 2017 – Dunnotar Woods - Hare: Fire Flaps – Scribe: no scribe


1806 - Sun 22 Jan 2017 – Bridge of Boggendreip - Hare: Bruce Almighty – Scribe: no scribe


1805 – Sun 15 Jan 2017 – Kirkhill Forest - Hares - Wee Willie & Toy Boy Tom - Scribe - OneLiner

1. Slipping the car - literally - into a parking space in a somewhat crowded car park , the air temp was way above zero ; but the ground still had other ideas . Slowly, carefully, scaredy- cat up the slope to pay up with Sharnie. Then cautiously, gingerly, girlie; back down again to help Skinny and Ever Ready negotiate the re-run on the North Face of the Eiger. The pre-run circle was formed nearby on the only emerald green patch available on the day.

2. I suppose you could say it was icy in 1805. Well I don`t know that it was, but the Battle of Trafalgar happened that year too. Or so said Sir Deadmund Hillary - one of the few pre-run spokesmen who didn`t attempt to impersonate OneLiner on the day; when he gave us his Hash History as usual.

3. This was just after Ballerina (standing beside me ) had laughed out loud when Little Shit called for silence; resulting in the man mountain standing beside Ballerina being chosen as Scribe instead. First OneLiner impersonation.

4. Second impersonation was by Aids , who read out a collection of OL gems ( collected from Readers Digest ? ) to entertain us, just ahead of being awarded his own pre-run down-down for failing to be able to operate a 1980`s Alarm Clock . Who wants to wake up in the 1980`s anyway? OK, so that`ll be most of us then.

5. Drinking with him was a un -named (here at least!) third party. Refer to paragraph 9 below.

6. And so - away to the run, via the top end of the car park. I personally started with Skinny via the bottom end of the ice field after re-robing appropriate to temperature. And just as well too as I was

able to close the gaping aperture at the rear of Pig Iron`s car; no doubt left open in a moment of distraction while, earlier, fitting Stainless with crampons (I thought I heard it was tampons, bloody hearing aids. Ed) for the day . Always one to do a favour for his fellow man, I closed the vehicle safely and made a mental note to get him with a Down Down later. Your welcome, PI.

7. And then on to the run. Wee Willie and Toy Boy Tom did a great job of re-creating Willie`s Kirkhill Classic from I996 but with a "Frozen" twist. A lovely trail ensued, using a clever combination of footpaths, bike tracks, roadways, woodland ... ... ... and ice. The absence of Torville and Dean wasn`t much of a problem for most, but at one point I did see Thruppennies almost decapitate a cyclist while waving her walking poles skyward. Thankfully, he saw the funny side too. Then later I returned from a short checking expedition (with Shackleton, you understand) to find Sharnie just getting to her feet after a small ice-kissing incident, by the roadside.

8. The pack as usual found its way to the Beer by a variety of routes, some of which were even those planned by the Hares. But in general, flour was followed (and calling Hashers too) over all surfaces, slippery or otherwise. Ok, so there was no otherwise. It was slippery, but good. A bit like sex then but ultimately less climactic; although with beer and chocolate it was at least mildly satisfying.

9. So, partially stimulated by alcohol and sweets, we all made it back to the circle in one (slippery) piece. Hence followed a number of Down Downs, listed carefully here in order only of my memory as opposed to actual occurrence. This is because the notes I made at the time have been cleverly stored somewhere too safe; thus proving that I`m as far over 50 as everyone else when it comes to car key moments. Except Drillbit, that is .. ....

  • Drillbit; for spectacularly storing his keys in the suspension of his car and expecting to find them again this side of Summer.

  • Sir Deadmund Hillary and Smurf; for swinging into their parking spaces with the panache and aplomb of Hollywood stunt-drivers.

  • Pig Iron; for failing to observe even the basics of vehicle security.

  • Aids and Toyboytom; for trying to stage their own dancing on ice show at a check.

  • The Penguin; for commenting on Scotland`s weather conditions and expecting something else.

  • Sharnie (twice) ; for kissing ice - not men .

  • Mrs T; for shining a light on Pig Iron`s open doorway.

  • Prickly Bush; for also having a car-security-free moment (complete with public hand-bag availability)

  • And Wee Willie and Toy Boy Tom for setting a great Hash-On-Ice.

On On

OneLiner

The original that is. None of my impersonators should be held responsible for this trash.

PS. on a purely macho note ; I recently saw this description of the model of motorbike I currently ride . It`s all done in one line too. So is this also an impersonation ?

HOLYFUCKINGCHRISTONABIKEWHATAFUCKINGENGINE !

1804 – Sun 08 Jan 2017 - Hill O' 9 Stanes - Hare - Toy Boy Tom – Scribe: The Penguin

"Arrive 15 minutes early to get a good space to park" I thought but so did everyone else and the car park was full when I got there "early". Must have been the anticipation built up knowing that Toy Boy Tom was setting a superb trail once again but as soon as he walked into the circle he was full of excuses such as "The farmer had cows in his field." Is this not the essence of farming and were we not in an agricultural area?

Little Shit called the circle to order and just like Dad's Army this took a further 6 minutes to achieve but his choice of Scribe was not the best. If you are awarding the task of Scribe to a senior / older member of the hash, may this Scribe suggest, that to the heap of accoutrements handed over ie horn (broken), whistle, paper, pencil and high viz waistcoat would you please add a pair of specs? (A good point, they'll be added to the GMs emergency kit. Ed)

Eventually the run started up hill and uphill and uphill until we turned around to catch up with the walkers at the 9 Stanes. It was then downhill, down a valley, up the other side of the valley, down another valley (same valley actually) and up the other side to find a 500 year old tree which was lonely and required a big hug duly offered by a number of hashers.

It was downhill again in a southerly direction but at some point thereafter things got confusing. This Scribe ended up back at the cars having picked up a lost looking Ballerina on the way and only after changing into dry shoes and socks was it realised that this was not the end of the run as the beer stop had not yet been reached at the other stone circle beyond the cars.

All in all a good run except in the opinion of Killer who was not happy being trapped in a pram when she wanted to join the runners in the mud.

Aids said some words about something then Flaps entered the circle to announce the next half dozen social activities. (You're doing a great job Fireflaps - seriously).

Aids in a Flight of Fancy got onto the theme of sex in the air with all sorts of statistics such as ?% of airline crew have had sex at high altitude of which 31% were British and 14% with passengers.

Returners MCB and Fairy Huck were welcomed back from Embra

Spies who knew where the beer stop was located were dobbed in ie Cinders, Bruce Almighty and Numbskull.

Smurf was dragged in by her hair which she called "Plum coloured" Now I'veconsumed many plums in my lifetime but never can I recall them being that colour.

On the theme of Aged Parents (which applies to many in the hash),Fifi told the funny story of JC seeing off his Aged Parents at the train station and ending up at Insch without a ticket. In most cases this would be construed as cheating but in the case of this Aged Parent he was viewed as an "Unintended Passenger" and got a free ride back to where he had started. I must try that one next time I go to London.

Four Down Downs were given away at the end to Skinny Witch for having dry feet after that run, to One Liner for ??,

to JC for ?? And to Underlay for selling off a perfectly good car to buy a gold and diamond ring.

Bin Liner is looking for some Hares.

Homographs and heteronyms

Thought you may find the following of interest :

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.

A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

So you think English is easy?

- The bandage was 'wound' around the 'wound.'

- The farm was used to 'produce' 'produce.'

- The dump was so full that it had to 'refuse' more 'refuse.'

- We must 'polish' the 'Polish' furniture.

- He could 'lead' if he would get the 'lead' out.

- The soldier decided to 'desert' his dessert in the 'desert.'

- Since there is no time like the 'present,' he thought it was time to 'present' the 'present.'

- A 'bass' was painted on the head of the 'bass' drum.

- When shot at, the 'dove' 'dove' into the bushes.

- I did not 'object' to the 'object.'

- The insurance was 'invalid' for the 'invalid.'

- There was a 'row' among the oarsmen about how to 'row.'

- They were too 'close' to the door to 'close' it.

- The buck 'does' funny things when the 'does' are present.

- A seamstress and a 'sewer' fell down into a 'sewer' line.

- To help with planting, the farmer taught his 'sow' to 'sow.'

- The 'wind' was too strong for me to 'wind' the sail.

- Upon seeing the 'tear' in the painting I shed a 'tear.'

- I had to 'subject' the 'subject' to a series of tests.

- How can I 'intimate' this to my most 'intimate' friend?

SCRIBE - THE PENGUIN

(For 20thtime in recent years, (steady on, 3rd time in 4 years, a good scribe though. Ed))

1803 – Sun 01 Jan 2017 – EastFornet - Hares: JC & Fifi – Scribe: Sauerkraut

On On and OnInn at: JC & Fifi's estate

After some rain and snow earlier in the morning the sun started shining and helped to get the hashers out of bed. Though most were still suffering from various degrees of their New Year's Eve extravagances, we had a great turn-out. The location, JC's and Fifi's estate, was also quite clearly marked on the hash map and easy to get to, just some 8333ft straight north of Loch Skene.

Fifi welcomed us and showed off her talent as traffic warden by ushering us onto the grassy area clear of the driveway and the house. Assistant RAs were nominated, originally The Penguin and Tonto, but for diversity reasons also a Harriette had to step in. Your unlucky returner Sauerkraut was caught by surprise, still half asleep and too tired to utter any protest, and was equipped with a scribe vest, an extra horn to play plus a small note pad and a pencil. Who on earth could write anything down while running in the cold and getting soaked in the rain? We had a first down-down, song and joke and got some trail info by JC, - no back checks as a special New Year treat -, and had to endure the obligatory history lesson before we set off. Did you know that 1803 was the year of the first public railway in Britain, the Surrey Iron Railway, which linked the towns of Wandsworth and Croydon via Mitcham on the south of the Thames. The line was closed in 1846 when it couldn't

compete anymore with the faster boats on a newly opened canal parallel to the railway line. Well informed insiders claim that even today the boats are still faster.

It was still sunny when we finally started the run, first check just some 200m up the road. Some intrepid FRBs found the trail along a boggy field to the left, winding through some boggy wooded patches, and out on the fields and meadows again. The hares were extremely safety conscious and JC sacrificed the living room carpet, cut up in cushion size rectangles and draped across the most serious barbed wire crossings. How considerate, particularly to the still hangover suffering male community to ensure the continuity of new hash babies. Will that be the new standard to be followed by future hares? B&Q will love it.

Every time I got wetter shoes with fresh cold water sloshing around my toes I blew the horn, and occasionally the whistle for more important events (somebody having a pee stop, beer stop, on-in, being finally back, etc., and of course, when the hare had marked the right trail direction). By the way pee stop: once your scribe had the urge as well and almost lost the pack. But no problem, just following the chirping sounds, -no, not of the birds, but of our harriettes, he managed to find the pack again. He could have followed the flower again as well, but following the chirping got him usually on a quick shortcut. Amazing how nothing can stop them chirping and chattering, not even boggy trails and trenches, snow, hail or rain, they could even scare bears away I suppose.

Towards the end of the run it started to drizzle and rain, despite the reassurances of the female hare that the bad weather is moving the other direction (wherever that was supposed to be). Who said that ladies usually have a problem with directions? Anyway, that's when I appreciated the scribe vest, first line of defence against the cold rain. And we found the sweetie stop. The FRBs were pushing on and taking a shortcut back towards the castle (i.e. JC's and Fifi's farm) and even Fifi succumbed to the crowd pressure and marked a little short-cut to keep the pack together, lamenting all the way that we would miss the beer stop. But somehow we still got to the beer stop; would have been almost a crime to miss it. And it is just amazing how great the beer tastes after or even

during the run, worthwhile of doing the whole thing.Toy Boy Tom fully agreed and was so grateful that he volunteered to carry back the rucksack with the empty bottles. Well done Toy Boy Tom.

It was a well laid trail, wherever we went it was wet and boggy: the fields, the woods, the tracks, the meadows, there was no escape, no roads and no cars at all, no back checks as promised by the hare, sweeties and beer stop, and not to forget the special NY safety features, i.e. carpet squares covering the barbed wire crossings. The hare came also with us, marking the checks after a grace checking period to make sure not too many got lost. How considerate. Certainly the best run of the year 2017.

Some hashers apparently turned back early and left by car just as we got back, presumably to avoid the down-downs earmarked for them for their misdeeds. And fortunately for them the average hash memory is only six days; otherwise we wouldn't come back every Sunday, would we?

The circle started with sunshine, just as the run, but it shouldn't last for too long. Some people got changed for the in-door on-on and forgot the down-downs beforehand, showing up just barefoot in their trainers. They were rewarded with a down-down for their thoughtlessness. Many down-downs followed, - for a newcomer, the hares and of course for JC again for cutting up the living room carpet (but thanks JC for taking our manhood so serious). And of course the New Year Eve's party gave ample reasons to punish at least some of the misdeeds like sleeping under the table, eating too much, drinking too much, falling asleep to early, not to mention the really serious issues. I don't want to mention all the names of the misbehaving ones, not that it really matters too much since all of us where somehow guilty in one way or another. The culprits will be thankful (what about bringing along some whiskey next Sunday?). Apart from that: who reads it anyway? It may not reach 'classics' status either like the works of Shakespeare or Robert Burns, possibly not even be a new Harry Potter, but who knows??? By chance it may fall into the hands of aliens 50,000 years from now and will enlighten their knowledge about past cultures.

On-on was great as well based on the hares' performance before, during and after the run; sadly your scribe missed it due to other family commitments. Still hope that you behaved without the scribe's watchful eyes.

Certainly best run of the year, most considerate hares and of course best scribe too. But enough ranting, wishing you a happy New Year and at least another 51 wet, boggy, mucky and cold hashes with a sparkle of sunshine, your scribe Sauerkraut.

PS: As a New Year treat, since I forgot the first hash joke of the year from the pre-run circle, here are some old and new ones to entertain you.

Don't read if you are easily offended.

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says;

"You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

All men are millionaires, at least by sperm count.

Funny thing is, even those millions

"are spent" on women!

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in"?

Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ..."

God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great, come sit in the chair on my right"

God goes to Obama and asks: "What do you believe in"?

Obama replies: "I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".

God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done, come sit in the chair on my left"

Finally God asks Trump: "What do you believe in"?

Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair".

Wonderfully British

In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied:

"How very sporting of your mother!"