Scribes 2014

OnOn: Inshgarth Reservoir

OnInn; Dutch Mill

As you'd expect is was Frostie the snowman weather and the OnOn carpark, which was actually the emergency vehicle entrance to the reservoir, had more no parking signs than you could shake a stick, but the Hash got over this by parking in front of them.

It was also one of those funny days, neither Christmas nor New Year. So should we be wearing Santa hats or carry lumps of coal and a wee nip? (For you youngster’s coal is a pre-squashed diamond that was used before gas and electricity was invented. Ed.)

Our illustrious GM took control, "well I tried to", but the orange torture vest was not available to calm the pack down. As Hash Beer (Ballerina) was a bit slow at getting his backside out of bed, the scribe ceremonial gear was not available for issue before the run, so in a rash moment I decided to do the dirty deed myself.

New runners and returners: Welcome to Aberdeen Hash –

Morvan, will she come back?

And returners from Barbados - Botsie and Rum and Cock.

Thinks! "What next, yes - tell a few jokes".

Took the wife to the disco last weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."The works".

My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still f#cking celebrating...!”

(Excellent joke. Ed)

"Hmmm, that appeared to go well"

Awards:

Bended knee award to Prickly Bush for 150 runs. Duly baptised by Aids with a down down.

Then over to the Hare (Pink Panther) or was it Hares? At this point I could see problems occurring, the co-hare (Muff Diver) had a map and a GPS and the two were not coordinating to well.

As you would expect at this time of year, it was frosty, and the hare had taken great care to make sure the trail was marked in pink flour, very sensible; unfortunately the ratio of blobs of flour to the kilometre was about 3 to 1. Or that's what it felt like, the ratio of "fucks" per Km was in the region of 100 to 1, as can be attested to by T Rex Cock.

Most of the trail I spent catching up, at least it allowed me to eavesdrop! No names, no pack drill as they say, oh well here goes.

"I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex."

(Hillary I don't believe this for one minute. Ed)

We meandered round some of the posher areas of Cults and then headed east to the nether regions of Pitfodels, then south, again catching up and then finding out that walkie Talkies are not always on trail. Back of the pack once again, more gossip though!

"I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69"

(Sounds alright to me Cheesy Cox, better luck in the next job. Ed)

Tried to catch up again through the university complex and managed to get the beer check for a glorious can of lager, at least the mince pie went down well. (Good name for a girl Mince Pie. Ed)

I arrived back at the cars just at The Penguin, resplendent in Father Christmas hat, bent forward and dipped his fury ball in a cup of Gluwein.

(Not a pretty sight. Ed)

Circle was called while we were all eating a ginger bread house, more of this later.

Down Downs

Bruce Almighty and Olymprick for not being where they should be for their pick for the hash (not sure if is the same one a recurring incident. Ed)

Muff Diver for making a realistic ginger bread house that tasted fine, but resembled MDF. (Apparently, next week he'll try teak cupcakes. Ed)

Whinger for clyping (Google it. Ed)

Numbskull for using hand luggage only on his recent trip to Burma, he can be grippy at times! One thing is though, after 14 hours of free wine it's not always easy to understand a Burmese airhostess who says "be careful when opening the overhead lockers and don't forget anything". (A seasoned traveller. Ed)

Say no more, left the hand luggage on the plane. All was not lost though, The Duchess's underwear fit nicely.

After He travelled to Thailand where;

Two Thai girls asked him if he'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!

He agreed, and they were right.

They all stripped off and to his horror, he had six matching balls!

Stroller for cooking Christmas dinner with no trousers on; it appears that Thruppnybits was getting confused why the turkey had three legs. (A good girl to take on a picnic. Ed)

As the circle went on Leeky Willy was hopping from foot to foot, "me sir, me sir". A new hash in Drumoach; to take place the last Saturday of each year, free Champagne and food at Numbskull's and no run fee (that's Boxing day in 2015, put it in your diary. Ed)

(Stuth read no further. Ed)

Based on Facebook evidence, Leeky Willy had worn Numbskull's shoes, shorts, T-shirt and sweatshirt, the Numbskull stand-in and Numbskull both took a down down.

We then had a dissertation of Leeky Willies weekend of favours with Fire Flaps, culminating in a panto at Numbskull's.

(Hard to know which one is Betty Swallox, Mary Hinge or the Pransom Hince. Ed)

(Stuth start reading again. Ed)

I hope you all had at least a good a Christmas as Leeky, and you all have a great New Year.

Scribe

Little Shit

Keeping Edinburgh's end up and setting an example to your fellow Aberdeen Hashers, I give you: Comments on Run 1692

After yet another fabulous Aberdeen Christmas party at the overseas cultural embassy many of the previous night's attendees who had not been affected by food poisoning made the start of the run. That traditional Aberdeen favourite Hazlehead Park was used for ease of access. This was billed as High Maintenance's run. What this meant in effect was that High Maintenance got credit for setting the run and using her powers of delegation selected an assistant keen to build up on his stock of Brownie points and improve his fitness (win - win!!). Although it felt quite a drab or dreich Aberdeen morning this could have been partly due to the lack of sleep and alcohol ravaged bodies shivering. That fantastic hangover feeling that many of the pack had.

The traditional pre-run announcements took place one of which was to select a victim to wear the park fluorescent yellow workman Gilet bearing the legend

"Knob of the Week" or similar. The Aberdeen GM Little Shit picked on an innocent victim visiting from Edinburgh i.e. me

Setting off at a gentle pace within a hundred metres I felt the urge for a call of nature. Given that I was wearing a jacket designed to be seen at 500 m it proved difficult to find a dense enough Bush to Shield me from all dog walkers and joggers out. Re-joining the trail only a few minutes later and travelling as fast as my little legs would carry me to try and catch up with the pack who I felt could not be far away. Soon I spotted their gaily coloured outfits and heard the eager shouts. Running in the general direction of the pack I found that I was actually in the middle of the Sunday morning under 11's kick about with no elderly hasher in sight.

Now in a panic at being lost I redoubled my efforts to find the trail. As luck would have it I came upon Cinders (figuratively speaking you understand) who was able to direct me on a shortcut when I met up with some charming walkie-talkies Skinny Witch , Sharnie, Numpty-Skull, Soon enough the pack reappeared from the unnecessary loop that they had run. It felt good to be back together. Safe. Still wearing the bl**dy yellow workman's top. The run was a g it isood length over a non-technical trail. After skirting around the famous Aberdeen Crematorium and through some lovely wooded glades we ran downhill to the welcome sight of the beer stop. There was quite a lot of bodily rubbing which seems to be an Aberdeen mating ritual favoured by the younger element of the Aberdeen hash. Cockatool, Drag-on, Mud Cock & Bollocks, Pissonya, Cheesy Cox , Leeky Willie, Fireflaps from memory.

I never did catch up with High Maintenance on the run.

There were welcome supplies of Mulled Wine provided by Hippo with his mobile food van/delicatessen.

• Ballerina & Cockatool held the circle enrapt as they humiliated the night be fore’s victims with tales of stupidity and excessive drinking (which are different).

• Leeky may have stood up but a friendly nearby sniper sorted him out.

• Numbskull - Wore his award winning The Killing Sweater from the range at S&M.

• Muff Diver - Scared some little old ladies on the run poisoning their dogs pretending he'd been burying a body.

• Olymprick - Abstained for Lent for 40 whole minutes.

• One Liner - Dancing skills sartorial elegance.

• Toy Boy Tom - For puzzlement in the face of an offer of free sex beer.

• Barbarella - Exceptional good manners and restraint.

• Fireflaps - Unnecessary nudity.

• Flying Dutchman - Some made up train story from several years ago.

The On Inn was back at Muff Diver High Maintenance's place where we got welcome selection of Soups Bread to heat the bodies up.

(Much appreciated, an excellent example to us all - Ed and GM)

An email from Flying Dutchman circa 01/02/2013 - Thought you might be mildly amused!! Aberdeen Hospitality!!

"But don't they know who I am!!!!...............rant, rant, rant!!!!"

"I didn't spot the 50 sign but I spotted the Van from miles - that why Id slowed down to 61MPH."

"I can just picture them high fiving each other in the van and shouting "YESSSSSSSGOT THAT B***** IN HIS FERRARI!!!- (I'm assuming it takes about 2-4 coppers to corroborate each other’s made up stories about my speeding!!)"

"Anyway I've given them the identity of a completely different person as the driver.."

"I'm not coming back to Aberdeen for a while so you can't nail me for the above. (I did enjoy both weekends - a lot) "

"Have a great weekend and see you soon. If you're ever in Edinburgh or should I say when - I am moving and will have room in my new house for visitors. No bed at present but I'll remedy that."

Thanks

Cramond

Right, you ‘orrible lot – I’m hoping to shame some of you into doing your write-up when asked. I know you are busy – we all are – but SURELY you can find 10 minutes to write up the effin run, can’t you? We don’t want War and Peace – we haven’t time to read it. So….. stopwatch at the ready - here’s a 10 minute write up of last week’s run:

RUN 1690 30thNovember 2014

Hares: Trouser Shredder Canadian Club

Scribe: Sergio

Location: Bogendreep

Watzoff’s 70thBirthday!!

It was a superb, sunny November day. One Foot and I were unusually early and grabbed a space right next to hash beer’s van. Numbers slowly swelled – three newcomers were seen wandering about trying to find someone in charge. There wasn’t anyone of course. A rush of 5 vehicles signalled 11am, so while they were scampering to get prepared I brought the circle to attention.

What happened in 1690? Don’t know, and don’t care. RA Aids gave someone a down down – probably the birthday boy, and then the hares explained the task before us. I switched off at the bit about back checks as I think it’s a bit more fun not to know what to do when arriving at a bar or a backwards arrow – but that’s just me. I’ve been doing this a while……

We shot (?) off, predictably in the wrong direction, but were soon called back and sent on our way up, up and then up a bit further. In fact I would have to say there were only a few salient points to this run – one was how much UP there was - including at one point climbing UP Becky’s Doup which wasn’t as much fun as it sounds. There were a couple of good river crossings – sporting ones, which could be avoided or cleared if clever, and a great deal of stumbling about over rough ground.

A short downhill (I was expecting more of this) eventually brought us to the beer check (with unexpected fizzy stuff) , and it wasn’t far from here back to the cars.

The circle was quickly called, and we congregated round hash beer, waiting for Hippo to heat the gluvine to an acceptable temperature. Down down’s were awarded to various Scottish born peeps, Red Stripe (thanks for the mud on the side of my car by the way), the new runners and of course to Watzoff the birthday boy. I note he seems to have seen off the even older Albatross – I think by entering him in a charity hilly marathon up Gibraltar. The hares got a well-deserved down down too.

The gluvine was served, the birthday “70th” cake was cut – (thanks Cock-a-tool it was surprisingly good!) and the circle disintegrated, some home, some off to spend the afternoon getting pished in Scott Skinners – you know who you are!

ON ON,

SERG

Last run stuff!

T’ was the Halloween run, and as all most.

A few Hashers turned up in costume; our dear hare, Drillbit sent us off on our way. With fences, bogs, forests and hills to navigate (and several near misses with traffic) we ran and we ran and we ran and then we got lost and then we got more lost and then we ended up just bloody damn lost! After getting lost several times and a few hashers stepping off the trail for a piss, we reached the beer check. There was dear Fireflaps and her two minions awaiting our arrival. After a drink and a sweet we realised that we'd lost Mud Cock & Bollocks, Pissonya (new runner) and High Maintenance. With a shrug of our shoulders we carried on our merry way - after waiting a good half hour at the circle, there was still no sign of our three lost prophets. Only after the circle had concluded did they arrive - turns out they'd been lost for 45 minutes at the beer check - bloody women! And then, reunited with their beloved hashers and definitely not in a murderous state of mind, it was time for us all to head to the On-Inn - the day obviously got the better of poor Numbskull who fell asleep at the table!

Post Run Down-Downs

• Red Stripe, Gay Gordon - gift that keeps on giving

• Ballerina's buns of steel

• Drillbit for splitting his sack

• Someone who won the best costume prize

• Fireflaps Numbskull - Flaps being at Beer check and direct Numbskull

• Cheesy Cox for dressing up as Santa

Forgotten the rest!

Lost Mud Cock & Bollocks, Olga, High Maintenance on run!

OnOn

Scribe

CheesyCox

Having all gained an hour beauty sleep the regular culprits pulled into sign posted Car Park and dodged many a puddle to park up. No Big Mac, Coke and fries at this McDonalds just Beer, Runners and Flour.

GM started proceedings by mentioning 1685 which was famous for the death of KING CHARLES II of England, Scotland and Ireland.

Tonto and Leeky Willie were then put head to head to guess the GM`s questions on the deaths of this week. Alvin Stardust - real name Bernard William Jewry and who performed as Shane Fenton -has died aged 72. The singer - real name Bernard William Jewry, and who performed as Shane Fenton – was known for hits My Coo Ca Choo and Jealous Mind was one.

Tie breaker question was answered by Tonto before the question was asked Cream bassist Jack Bruce dies, aged 71

Jack Bruce, bassist from 1960s band Cream, has died (25thOctober) aged 71, his publicist confirms.

Two landmark awards were then presented to;

The Penguin who received a cheque for 10,000 for completing 900 runs and;

Cockatool who was stripped close to naked and awarded a 100 run sweatshirt doused in the local Ellon muddy puddle water nice!

New runners, brought by Bog Brush were introduced as Xiang and Mavis from Malaysia both of whom had never heard of the Hash which started in their home Country some 76 years ago!

We all then moved in on Mud Cock & Bollocks, the School Teacher, as we couldn`t hear her instructions and soon we were off into the woods! A little confusion right at the start between walkers and runners trail was soon sorted by Hare Fairy Huck who had forgotten to place the

all-important "W" to divide the pack.

The run was well marked and took in some interesting little Ellon landmarks. Bridges were crossed as the River Ythan appeared on our right then on our left. Some Hash bread had been left thoughtfully by the Hares to feed the local ducks, however Ballerina was not sure why there was Bread so he tucked into it himself!

A nice location for a Beer/Sweetie stop reassembled the pack in just over the hour and soon we were back in the puddle strewn Car Park for the circle.

The Down Downs went something like this.

• DragOn - Taking a Dump on the run!

• Numbskull - Cut Colour (Not a grey hair in site!)

• MuffDiver - GranDad

• High Maintenance - Slow Coach Butt

• The Duchess - No "T" in Duchess

• Mud Cock & Bollocks - Greedy Cow! (Sleeping with 6 guys!)

• Barbarella - The Trustee (Bladerunners Shoes)

• Binliner - Shopping for REAL ALE with his little Grand Daughter

• Fairy Huck & Cockatool - Bread on the Hash awarded by Ballerina

• Barbarella - 13, 13, 13. (Joke of the Day!)

• Bladerunner - Cheating on the Hash stalking Mud Cock & Bollocks

• Princess Maintenance - Very High Maintenance

• Mud Cock & Bollocks, Fairy Huck - Domestic about the size of the checking circle!

• Golden Shower - Physical jerk (leaving PoW for run Scotland!)

• Watzoff - 69 and getting stiff in the mornings!

• Xian, Mavis - Virgin runners

• High Maintenance - Flagging down a stranger for a lift on Mearns Hash

Well done Hares, great run, nice weather, good fun.

ON INN was the Buchan Hotel. Next week’s run

ONON

Leeky Willie

Scribe

All aboard for a Cockatool weekend in Montrose!

Cockatool hared the run which left the station car park at the designated time of

11:07am order for the hash contingent arriving on the train to join us. Exactly zero persons arrived off the train so that was a waste of 7 minutes of my life.

An excellent run followed North of the station, across the railway line to the beach, North again into several fields, past horses which refused to stampede, East to a beer stop beside a pond where the beer was hidden inside a large rucksack. Muddy shenanigans were inevitable after Little Shit pushed Leaky Willie into the pond as a result of Leaky throwing Blade Runners's trainer into the reeds. The run continued south to the golf club then west back to mission control (the Cock's house). There we were ushered to a neighbour’s sunny garden where we had an apple fight and then circled up.

• Gay Gordon was punished for arriving late after stopping off for a shower.

• Piggers and Stainless were down downed for going straight to the beer stop.

• Bruce Almighty was chastised for ignoring the run and arriving at the beer stop via another 2 pubs.

• Numskull produced a photo of flaps and leaky fornicating on the run.

• Leaky Willie was punished for throwing Blade Runners shoe into the pond (twice).

• Barbarella finger joke student little prick - I've left that as it is because my notes make no sense.

• Numbskull produced another photo of Fireflaps with her tits bouncing out of the train window.

Good man.

• Cheesy Cox was humiliated for not scoring with a Harriet in bed. Name not mentioned to protect the innocent.

• Mud Cock & Bollocks was given a Public transport offence followed by Numskull for falling asleep on a bus. Leaky then gave instruction how to avoid paying the fare on the train by clever use of the toilet and being in the right place at the right time.

Short cutting b'stards

Muff Diver and Ballerina were down downed followed by Barbarella for wearing a terrible wonzie. Several wonzie spelling options were given for wonzie but after a time we went with Prickly Bush's wonzie which was wonzie.

The night before had seen Montrose party games including a naked trampoline run in which 2 females and 5 males had participated.

So, I make that 9 tits jumping up and down? The neighbour had not been too impressed

at 3am...........

Drillbit was given a beer for missing his bus at asstitty night. He claimed he was just early for the next one. We weren't fooled.

So we retired to the Cock's mansion for a terrific feed of roast pork with all the trimmings, followed by expensive ice cream and fruit crumble.

Just when all was going well we had the Spanish Inquisition over who had left the log in the bog.

I'd better stop there!

Muff Diver.

On On : Bottom of mountain bike trail between Cairn William Pitfichie Hill.

The run was introduced by Tiger Feet - who was standing in for the absent Ballerina.

I was volunteered to scribe due to being too verbose. The aversion therapy has worked and I am now a reformed character so the Hash went:

Up, up up steeply,

Down, down less steeply,

Round for a long time - ending in a sweetie stop,

Along back to the cars,

Beers, midges, circle, picnic.

Down downs went to:-

• AIDS - for getting lost in the woods for a very long time with High Maintenance during which it got dark and he transformed into Mr Grumpy

• The Penguin - for coming out as a 'scout master'

• The Two Visitors - from Hammersley Hash in Oz

• Hippo - for being crazy enough to do a 24hr charity cycle event at Knock Hill

• Dickie Bird - for doing the 'Ride the North' cycle event

• Toyboy - for dressing to shock in Tesco Westhill

The Hares - for a good run

So Long, and thanks for all the cake[TA1] [TA2] !

Mrs T

[TA1]

[TA2]

SUPERMAN MEMORIAL TRAIL

Hash Hare today was Thruppenny Bits. Run started with a tight manoeuvre into Nigg car park near the lighthouse in Aberdeen, it was so narrow we drove passed it thinking surely that's not the entrance! In the hash circle at the beginning we got asked if we would like to be scribe and I said yes because I wanted to use the horn. Not realizing I don't know many people's names! Before the run started there was a few words, stories and a minute silence for Superman (my dad) who passed away a few days before and had been a long time hasher in Aberdeen and Saudi Arabia.

The run went out through the fields and through the kids play parks and they looked as confused as we were trying to find the trail when Little Shit gave words of advice to the local mafia! We then went along the railway line and crossed over the bridge through the hidden hole in the wall. This is where some people went wrong. Or right and didn't cross the bridge but carried on round and seemed to have found a shortcut because when I got to the top of the hill miss Scotland 57 (my mum) was there already! The run took two days to lay but it was worth it with a nice run along the cliff tops at the end before you reached the beer check. You knew the beer was close as Bruce Almighty had started running! There was a shortage of drinks to begin with until Hippo realized not all the bags of beer had been found in the bush.

Down Downs were given for:

• Numbskull who pulled down a tree at the fayre challenge blocking the road for the other runners.

• The visitors, a Dutch lady and a flying doctor.

• The Family who ran for Superman.

• The hare and her Shit Boyfriend!

• The fast runner who won the over 60s category at the fayre challenge even though he is under 60.

• And the Dutch Lady was turned into a cake for her birthday and covered in flour and eggs!

The on inn was held at Cambells bar in Torry and want to say thank you to Richard and Penny who provided sandwiches and soup free of charge in honour of Superman!

It was cold and dreich and, prior to the circle, many hashers, including your scribe, were organising their waterproofs in preparation for the expected downpour. That's why I was last to arrive at the circle and got the scribe job!!

At the pre run circle awards were given to:

• Muff Diver 150 runs

• Bruce Almighty 400 runs.

Bridge of Bogendreip is always a great location for a hash and Bruce Almighty did not disappoint us. An enjoyable and varied run through forest roads, narrow paths, impenetrable undergrowth, riverside walks and lots of shaggy; and, surprisingly for BA, the odd hill! The path into the beer check was alongside the river and there was an innocent looking puddle just before the beer. This was deceptively deep and caught out many less cautious hashers.

The expected rain never happened. It was warm and pleasant and many of us had to shed a few layers of clothing.

Post run down downs to:

• JC and Muff Diver: for blindly stepping in the afore mentioned puddle

• Sly Dog: As an ex-colonial, visiting and supporting the Commonwealth games in Glasgow.

• Stainless and PigIron: On becoming grandparents. Congratulations.

• Struth and JC: For being first to finish the run, when usually they get lost and need a search party.

Scribe: Bin Liner

So I think it would be best to start with how I was awarded the honourable task of scribe for this run: I arrived late due to having searched the whole of Milltimber for a small hill (Definition of BRAE chiefly Scottish: a hillside especially along a river), however Milltimber Brae is just a road. So now I know!

My father Harley, renowned (good or bad I'm still to determine?!) and long standing hasher had told me of the heritage of the orange jacket the previous week. As my dad is a fan of funny hats and loud clothing (sigh), my Dutch aunty Carla gave him this high visibility vest for his 50^th birthday, probably so the party goers could see him coming! It was then donated to the hash to keep the scribe recognisable much like the yellow top wearer in the tour de france, it's not in bad shape for being 9 years old!

So off we set with me trying to remember as many hash handles as I could (thanks Leeky Willy for giving me a run down on protocol) and were hit with what felt like 20 back checks hidden amongst various checks and a rather confusing 3 way circle/arrow cunningly laid by Toy Boy further to confuse us even more!

The pack were soon split up and I found myself trekking through head high ferns followed by Bin Liner who so nicely commented that this reminded him of chasing a gorilla through a jungle in Borneo.

The 'long distance' runners eventually accumulated at the railway line where the flour trail dried up but thankfully someone knew that the beer stop was in fact just up the line (after cycling past earlier) so we abandoned the search and joined the others for a well-deserved drink. Very good run all in all, thanks Toy Boy.

So the down downs commenced and I frantically got my phone out to take notes in the high tech fashion:

Down Downs were awarded to:

• Toasts to the granddads: Various older gentlemen

• New Runner and returners: Smiler Orienteer

• Missing in action: Jet Slag Albatross

• Brussels 8% hangover: Drill bit

• Hare: ToyBoy

• 'Enjoying the Race': Cinders, Barbarella, Bog Brush

• 'Your name is too tame': Willy Nilly is born

On-On

Willy Nilly

Scribe: Pink Panther's Ghost writer!! (With comments by her in red!)

A cool evening but dry, perfect for the runners and ok for the walkie talkies. The usual history lesson on 1670 but no mention of Robert Boyle discovering hydrogen, the flammable gas, surprising considering the discussion on H2O or known to some hashers as H02. (I don't know what he's going on about either.)

Thanks to Binliner for setting the run and for inviting all back to his place for food and drink after, I didn't manage the latter. Proceedings commenced with a pre run down-down to Mad cyclist for picking up the tab for Bog Brush.

The run began and the runners strode out as the walkers marched off, the harriettes walkers caught up on the week's events, soon to be joined by 'High Maintenance' who decided to water the grass in private. Unaware the runners had checked back and appeared at her location, she hastily cut short her watering plans and regained some composure. At the first check it was discovered 'More Butt' had also decided to water the grass at which point a conversation ensued about LP's? Having a varied collection of vinyl, I thought I could get in on the conversation only to learn LP was the code for "last pee" before leaving the house, (not to forget SPs - Strategic Pee's) needless to say 'High Maintenance' and 'More Butt' didn't remember their LP's before departing for the hash.

'Olymprick ' politely introduced himself to me and mentioned he needed three steps to my one, he then forged on ahead of me, I suppose he's using 3 in1 oil as he moved off at an ever increasing pace.

Pink Panther endlessly blew her horn (despite her mashed hand from an unfortunate meeting of fingers and concertinaed garage door..), and commented on the need to follow Thrupenny Bits because she's always right, a worrying thought I may contest at a later date. (bet you don't!)

The walkers returned to the car park well ahead of the runners, and engaged in chat, H02 was offered by 'High Maintenance' a new drink which no one had heard of, presumably discovered by Robert Boyle in 1670. 'Bruce Almighty' treated all hashers to the worst case of builders arse while rummaging in the boot of his car, not a sight one could forget easily unfortunately, keep hope there is light at the end of the tunnel!

The runners returned and Cockatool immediately set about throwing a ball for " Mad cyclists" dog while trying to tie 'Mad Cyclist' in knots with the dogs elastic lead, he seemed to derive too much pleasure in this pursuit and many wondered what would happen if he succeeded in disabling 'Mad Cyclist', perhaps he had devoted some of his coffee break time to the Harry Houdini's bondage escapology. Binliner's bag of sweets was appropriated by "High Maintenance" who dished them out, 'Muff Diver' presented her with a mini mars bar, she was blown away by his affections, and made promises we can only assume she kept, only Muff Diver will know if his covers been blown.

The circle was formed and down downs ensued.

• High Maintenance for her back check surprise accompanied by Sir Deadmund Hillary for also requiring a pee stop.

• Cock a tool, for misspelling, all be it the circle did not need a flash of Ballerina's upper thigh for a spell check.

• Average age of hashers was calculated by Cockatool during his coffee break, it was mentioned his coffee breaks may be too long, Barbarella took the down-down for closest to the average hasher age.

• The Penguin for running on the Stonehaven hash, any excuse to frequent the harbour area, we assume the pubs.

• Numbskull received yet another down-down related to traffic violations, all be it this time on an electric bike.

• Ballerina issued a down-down to Muff Diver for not receiving the golf outing ticket from his supposed best mate " Sweetness " BALLERINA protested at the cost of good balls and how difficult it can be to locate such while playing around.

• Immigration issues were raised, unfortunately I am unaware of the hashers handle, but he received a down-down for passport issues.

Returners received down downs:-

• Incredibly ugly bastard

Na, na, na nana, (sing along)

• Lovenest who has not been seen for some time.

• Binliner for setting a brilliant hash.

Which included new old trails....who would have thought?

So who was the scribe????

Tonto Tepee

INDEPENDENCE? WOT INDEPENDENCE?

Hares: Tonto, Tongue Lasher, Egg Foo

Scribe: Pigiron (PA to Ms Stainless, who is far too busy and important)

Advertised as a Midsummer (which it wasn't) and USA Independence Day (which it weren't) barbecue, it seems that time has no meaning in the Dingily Dell rural idyll inhabited by Egg Foo and her lover. Not that one objects to the USA having a go on their own, just so long as they don't want to come back.

Hearing that food was on offer a goodly turnout ensued, including a chap called Harley who used to be a hasher until his significant other moved to Brompton-on-the-Sewer. He did, at least, have the grace to offer his daughter as fresh meat to the hash. If there was any justice in this world she would be named Lambretta (not moped), because they don't make them anymore (no offence Harley).

The opening circle was the usual woeful affair as the GM vomited his latest Google Knowledge re events in 1669. It seems Orkney and Shetland were political footballs yet again (I don't suppose Norway will take them?). Things got no better when AH3 really plumbed the depths by giving the

Senior/Oldest RA a 900 run Q VOUCHER! Has mismanagement finally gone mad? "Oooh look girls, I've got a new spade from those luvvies on the hash!"

Good Grief. Waste of a down.

Tonto explained the run larded with dreadful warnings about upsetting the neighbours. Tongue Lasher reminded us of her sacrifice in leaving leafy Queensferry to help out and introduced her guests, Tortoise and spouse, who were looking forward to a night sleeping rough.

It seems that finances are in so parlous a state that AH3 is hoping to claim Carer's Allowance. Rather than leave Stainless to wander the woods alone, she was given a horn (note use of indefinite article) and a tabard in order to lead the run. Just in case this didn't work, Tortoise, an unsuspecting visitor, was detailed to keep her in tow. Unfortunately the allowance has already been claimed. On the other hand, the beer wagon is now carefully guarded by a responsible adult lest any naughty unauthorised elves find the keys and further deplete funds. So that's alright.

And so they, the pack, set off full of vim while Tongue Lasher took her walking entourage into the depths of the woods. Information about the trail is obviously sparse, being led by Stainless, but it may be assumed that it meandered through the Kirkhill environs in its usual reliable manner before coming to the beerstop, which was in the WRONG PLACE. How many times must you be told to put it somewhere with a nice view?

Harley was encountered way off trail corrupting a minor in the ways of shortcutting before getting back to the beer wagon long before the pack. He still wasn't granted access to the booze, quite right too.

Egg Foo set a fine example through the simple expedient of lighting the BBQ fire at the start of the run, rather at the end. Such intelligent use of charcoal avoids the usual burger partial-cremation and further demands on the resources of the NHS. The downside is the natural greed of the pack delaying the circle whilst stuffing their faces on fully cooked food. Taking advantage of the hiatus the GM demanded a group photo for a running magazine of some description. Oh boy. Is this not the very nadir of hashing? Worse, neither of the RAs thought it worth bothering with a suitable retribution for once again bringing this sorry organisation (sic) into disrepute. What next? Charity runs? No downs? Caring and sharing? Apologies? Explanations? Hells bells.

Downs:

• Drillbit - for getting out his dressing-up box for the infants.

• Little Shit – for dunno, farting one suspects.

• T-Rex Cock - for being a bleeding hazard.

• An infant for having a haircut.

The rest were lost in the usual mumbled capering.

On On to Manneken Piss! (What a strange language).

We were warned not to wear skimpy shorts and provocative socks, presumably to avoid inflaming the passions of the wood elfs who hang out, so to speak, in the undergrowth. When we pitched up there did seem to be a lot of shifty-looking men around - but these turned out to be hashers. The run was truly an 'Elf and Safety' nightmare - there was more barbed wire than in Colditz, the trail was slippery (because of all that spilt KY Jelly I suppose), we broke the Country Code a zillion times, and the Highway Code was ignored with gay abandon. The trail took us past the Parkhill Luxury Cat Hotel but the FRBs weren't interested in that kind of pussy, and they pushed on with nary a care for the broken-down wrecks stumbling along behind. The beer stop was down a hole.

The Circle kicked off with a Down Down for Penguin, for reasons which escaped the scribe, along with much of what followed. But I do remember that DrillBit was hauled in for daring to change out of his shorts in an area notorious for arse bandits. There was also the BMW driver who thought that he could drive to the Shetland Hash, and this led to "If one stupid BMW driver drinks, all stupid BMW drivers drink." MuffDiver was brought in for being a DirtKisser, and PantyPockets was chided for worrying that the scribe's brain cells might not be up to it (she was right - as always). Pig Iron complained that CockaTool had brought the Aberdeen Hash into disrepute by failing to make a complete cock-up of organising the Simmer Dim Hash. Proceedings came to an end without singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" so as not to offend anyone observing Ramadan.

On On

BagO'Bones

HAPLESS HASHERS UTENLANDS.

A Story about the Simmer Dim Hash 21st June 2014. Penned by Pigiron

Cockatool is was who thought it would be splendid to sun worship in Shetland. Beguiled by his forked tongue a few AH3 faithful’s pawned their Dinky Toy collections, obtained forged travel documents and set off for Lerwick, Jewel of the North.

The event itself came as a bit of a shock. The ferry sailed on time (if round and round in circles for a while), the coach picked up the delegates on time, the hostel was not overbooked, the venue was convenient and historic, food and drink was violently over catered. And the weather turned out luvverly.

Toy Boy Tom, Ballerina, Trouser Shredder and Canadian Club set the runs, making as much use of the hills and abundant shiggy as possible. The confusion over setting two trails one on top of the other within 24 hours was solved by continuous spectral analysis of the ingredients. In a triumph of hope over experience 60 plus hashers attended from such far-flung places as Ghana, Tanzania, Isle of Wight, Essex, Herts, Edinburgh and Glasgow. The circles went on forever by dint of using guest RAs working in shifts hyper-fuelled by C2H5OH. Digger, Flying Dutchman (Cramond), Mr X, Testiculator, Megasaurarse, My Lil Sperm 'ead and Poorsod (to say nothing of our very own Cock) have all been identified and their addresses passed on to the Procurator Fiscal for crimes against Good Taste. Faintly amusing nevertheless.

"Good things come to those who wait" is a fine maxim for a catering business and this one had the Shetland touch; in that the lady (yes, one lady) was so unfazed and pleasant that even really grumpy hashers were prepared to hang about several hours for her excellent grub. As for booze ridiculous. Seven local Valhalla beers, cellars of wine, fizzy for the girlies (and boyzies), port for the nobs, Bloody Marys for the hungover, fruit juice for the nutters.

One would think that 60 advanced alcoholics could work their way through a mere ten barrels of beer, but just to be sure the management invited the Guizer Jarl and his squad into the ceilidh to help out. Thus it was that mid-reel a mob of very large hairy and smelly men (already well refreshed) burst into Fort Charlotte (1665) waving huge weapons. Stainless thought she had died and gone to heaven.

Drinking reinforcements arrived (slowly) by Old Gaffer from Norway when Drillbit found two destitute yachtsmen (Pinky and Perky) wandering around the fort on Sunday afternoon looking for a party. They even dressed up in identical sweaters and Breton caps just to add a nautical air to the whole affair. They really should have been in church giving thanks for their deliverance from the cruel sea, but never mind.

Right. So who the hell organised this perfection? It couldn't be Cockatool, as he claims, because we know him to be a chaos event seeking the nearest accident. Even paying a bunch of groupies (who ought to know better) to kneel at his feet in obeisance during the closing circle does not strengthen his case. Seeking the truth, I made enquiries of the natives and was variously told that they had been employed by "the peerie boy" and” I canna mind but he wiz fruity", and "The Lord Lemmon". If they hadn't been paid then they were rather less complimentary.

It is all a bit of a mystery, but we must be told in order not to make the same mistake again of actually organising something and enhancing AH3's reputation abroad. I call upon those in alleged authority to reveal the culprit at the earliest opportunity.

"Gentlemen now abed in England shall think themselves accursed they were not here and hold their manhood.."

A nice evening at the Hatton of Fintray area met the intrepid hashers. Most were nervous after remembering Barbarella's last run around the Bridge of Don, a 25 mile epic disaster for which he was made to lie down on the ground while beer was poured over him from several angles. But none of that today, it was actually "nae bad at a".

I was given the job of scribe and presented with the luminous jacket and horn (the horn makes a fairly crap sound now, can we buy a new one please committee?). Unfortunately I was crippled by a Malaysian bush 2 days previous and was on a heavy dose of Flucoxicillen so I elected to ride around on my bike. I asked Barbarella if the run was cycle friendly. He basically said YES, although it was actually basically NO.

So from distances of a quarter mile, half mile and one mile, I observed the hashers run through fields and forests as I tried unsuccessfully to catch them.

I gave up and went looking for the beer stop, which I did find. All hashers enthused over the run and seemed happy.

Back to the Hiretec buildings and a circle was formed.

We had some visitors, namely Boobarella and Van Der Who. I have to admit at this point that I was heavily jetlagged and now trying to read back my writing I'm struggling to make sense of the gibberish I jotted down on Monday night!

Down downs were given out for:

High Maintenance insulting one of the guests. "Really cool hair for an old man"

Stainless for being found on trail for a change!

High Maintenance "It looks like my bush is coming out of my shoe"

Mad cyclist for being on all 4's in the mud.

Pig Iron for eating all the sweeties at the beer stop.

Toy Boy Tom for tying his shoelaces 3 times on the run. Someone teach him how to tie a double knot please!

Twizzle for putting the postcode in his satnav and ending up at Tyrebagger!

Cockatool for short-cutting and falling in a burn!

Mrs T, High Maintenance, FiFi and Sir Deadmund Hillary ended up in someone’s very new posh back garden. High Maintenance said if they were challenged by the owners she would say "Sorry, we thought this was the show house"

So all in all a good laugh. Full marks to Barbarella. But let’s face it, anything was better than the phsi (anag) he set last time!

Muff Diver.H

On the occasion of the Hares birthday)

The Year 1662 England sells Dunkirk to France for 2.5 million livres (320,000 English pounds).

Samuel Pepys witnesses a Punch and Judy show in London, the first on record.

The OnOn

The OnOn was the top of School Hill Road in Peterculter. Sadly the car-park has now been blocked off so we had to park at the side of the road.

There were two new runners.

Paddy and Daron - both young men from Aberdeen.

Little Shit mentioned that their physiques reminded him of himself 40 years ago.

Struth got a 500 run carrier bag. There were also a couple of 50 run T-shirts given out.

Gay Gordon got a downdown for showing off his lunch box. See Facebook photo.

But then we were off!

The run took us past Rob Roy statue, the old railway line and lovers walk down by the Dee.

The beer stop was near Kippie Lodge where the former hasher 'Dad Dad' joined us as he lives nearby - as good luck will have it is situated near the

Aberdeen Bypass route.

A complaint was received from a local resident.

Probably the resident who had the car park closed. The complainant didn't want to speak to us in person but e-mailed.

"Please show more consideration to other road users when parking for your runs! Parking on both but opposite sides of a blind hill top without leaving spaces on either side is not very considerate!! I had to reverse a considerable way to let incoming traffic through without know if anything was coming up behind me on the other side of the hill!!!"

Post Run Circle

A couple of dozen runners got lost and the circle and picnic had the start without them. This included Glasgow and Ursula who have lived in the area for over 50 years and still got lost. Stainless didn't get lost for once. Items from the birthday parties at the weekend were reunited with their owners. The birthday gang and many others got downdowns as the sun set.

OnInn

Was a superb picnic supplied by Picky Bush

Hippo cycled home in the fading light.

Sir Deadmund Hillary

The Flour is your friend.

p.s. this is the first scribe write-up for several weeks!

It was a dry and pleasant morning for April and I had brought along my 11 year old grandson who is a keen budding hasher.

Aids was standing in for Ballerina as GM and so, at this point at least, we were spared the history lesson on what happened in 1656. I pointed out that Aids didn't give a "fu.” what happened in 1656 anyway; and immediately wanted to be swallowed into the ground because I had used the F word in front of my grandson.

A thing I would never have done in less bacchanal company. Hence my enforced penance was to be Scribe for the run.

Pre run down down awarded to Leakie who on the previous evening had ordered a round of drinks at the pub and then realised he had no money to pay for it. Gullible Fire Flaps had had to come to his rescue.

The run then started off as usual over the heath. We zig-zagged across a road into the adjacent woodlands on either side, over fields, through the streets of Milltimber . Yet more very pretty woodlands with a host of yellow tulips and white wood anemones in bloom. The run was enjoyed by everyone with, unfortunately, no known incidents or humiliations to report because your scribe was dawdling at the rear.

Post run down downs to:

• Bin Liner: For being an amazing, splendiferous, death defying explorer, mountaineer extraordinair, boldly going where no man has been before and managing to limp to Braemar after the Dunkeld weekend.

• Gay Gordon: For leaving his shirt at the beer check.

• Bin Liner: For all the malicious home truths and skeletons in cupboards his young grandson had been only too eager to dob him in for.

• Fire Flaps: For getting lost in Dundee.

• Scabbers' baby daughter: Milk down-down after taking her first every steps while on this hash. An epic Harriet in the making!!

• Sarah: For something.

• Numbskull, et al: For being the 4 fools who fell for an April Fool.

• One Liner: For sharing with us his most desired fantasy. That of wishing he had the guts to say the line one of the pirates said to a shipmate in the film "Captain Philips": "Shut it Skinny. You talk too much".

• PricklyBush: For an awesome recovery from the broken ankle she sustained after a fall on an earlier Hash. And to Penguin who had rescued her on the day of the fall.

• Leakie: For disrespectin German people. Leakie then led the pack in an hilarious rendition of a mime song "Mit my eye blinker; snot blower; bull shiter"

Scribe: Bin Liner

Sunday the 30thMarch, mothers day. One of the smallest turnouts at the hash since the first Aberdeen hash run. I can say that because Ballerina had lost all the numbers of the runs so it may well have been the first Aberdeen hash run. Many people may have been doing the mother's day thing and many others will have been forgetting to do the mother's day thing. However in usual hash style various stragglers appeared in the circle and later in the run, probably to avoid the history lesson from the GM (ballerina).

Which brings us on to the history lesson. Something about Oliver Cromwell and Jamaican Rum my eyes began to glaze over at this point but I'm sure I learned something! We let him finish none the less and then the hare came forward to enlighten us about the run. One spot and you're on was a slightly different twist to the run, as I have been used to looking for three or four piles of flour before possibly heading in the vague direction of the sweet and beer stops.

As the circle came to a close with a throng of 16 runners, I made a passing comment about my legs being short and this being a key hereditary characteristic from my mum, and this was almost too eagerly picked up by the GM who gave me a down-down for being a "mother abuser". Twas a foolish of me to believe that I was punished enough for my abuse towards my own flesh and blood, nay I was also given the honour to scribe. Little did I know that this would be diluted with another scribe being appointed post run to tell tales on the stragglers the infamous "bladerunner".

And we were off, immediately face to face with an uphill plain which reduced our numbers even further; caught my mum napping at the back. But that was just a cunning plan to have energy later on (aye right).

The hare had promised us that the run had "everything". And everything it had. We conquered rivers and puddles that should really have been called lakus minimus (that's small lake in latin. possibly). There were logs and barbed wire and we even stumbled across a miniature football pitch conveniently adjacent to someone's house (hmm.), but nevertheless some of our hashers proceeded to have a 3-a side fitba' piss-about. There were balls pinging aboot in countless directions (steady on/oo'er).

The sweet stop was interesting as some twatt (cockatool) had attempted to hide the bag in an unreachable location (in a tree). To be fair it was unreachable to me and mum but not to our good friend the "hippo". No the terrifying height of about 3 feet was no match for his squirrel-like skills. And this was not the only time me an my mum were towered above; a great dane also appeared out taking its owners for a walk. However a few of our hash managed to scare it off by running at it.

We came across the remains of a small wooden plank bridge, I say remains because my fat b*****d of a stepfather (one liner) had got there first! But his destructive streak did not end there; no at the end of the run on literally the last hurdle, a small stone wall no less, he reduced a rather lovely piece of public viewing to a dusty, crumbly mess.

It seems important to mention that there were even more stragglers appearing throughout the run, heading backwards (no no). Cockatool, Leekie, Mud Cock & Bollocks, Bruce almighty and TMR. This brought our numbers up to above the 20s.

Which brings me onto the down downs. ..

Down-downs

As mentioned before I myself received a down down under a hash handle which I hope will not stick: Mother Abuser. I received the down down for saying direct quote: "God, you can tell I'm related to you mum, my legs are so bloody short!".

Ballerina, our illustrious GM, got one and I can't remember why (sorry mate).

Cockatool also known as Twatt received one down down for sweet hiding, and another for being involved in one of the boxes of sweets being run over by a car/ and mentioning the sweets!

Leekie received two ;one for a drunken call and the other for a drunken callJ

Hippo got a down down for being super agile and scaling the heights of a small tree to retrieve the sweets (that cockatool had hidden) and greeting his adoring fans below.

Cockatool got another down down- Enough said.

Two down downs were collected by Tomboy Tom. The first was for sharing a birthday with Olymprick who was turning 55 that week and the second was for his own birthday. This was celebrated with a drunken out of tune chorus of "hashie birthday".

The fat b******d that is one liner did not get away with his destruction of public property, no he received a down down with an even drunker and more out of tune chorus of "who ate all the pies" during which he lifted up his shirt to reveal is folds of shame.

Bruce Almighty also got a down down and I cant remember why (sorry mate) but may have been something to do with running??????????!!!!!!!

My personal favourite down down for many reasons, one of which was that it was preceeded by T-Rex cock holding a beautiful long "aaaaaaah" note (G in the major chord if I am not mistaken), was the down down given to my own flesh and blood, Skinny Witch. The charge was brought forward by one liner in an unmistakably witty fashion. He told the story of how my mum had soared to "international criminal status". The story goes as follows. My mum had dropped me and one liner off at work and was currently still in her pyjamas. Nevertheless she proceeded to drive back home to get changed and ready for her work. It became clear that on her journey home that she was being tailed by a police car. She thought nothing of it until they followed her down into our street and approached her. Then she thought bollocks. They asked her when she was due her M.O.T and she replied, "I don't know its my husband who sorts all that out."

They informed her that her M.O.T was 4 or 5 months overdue and charged her with a fine of 100. They read her rights and asked if she had anything to say in which she replied, "I'm going to kill my husband. Actually no that's probably not a good idea to tell you guys that." And so in that instance my own mother, who we all know well became an international criminal.

And that brings my scribe to a close and might I say myself that it is better than blade runners oh yeah! But not as good as the grub at the on inn at sangara (my eyes watered when I googled this!!!!) thank you Mrs T Rex cock; scrummy.

Keep hashing and bring on the sweets!

Grand Pr*cks

After spending the previous evening chasing and banging our fellow hashers we had to then persuade our battered, bruised and somewhat dehydrated (dunno how that happened) bodies out of bed (or couch/floor/Leeky's bed in our case). We had managed to misplace Struth during the night (traumatised maybe?) and the Cock failed to materialise with anything resembling breakfast, maybe because he was somewhere else, so we had to make a mercy dash across town to be saved

by Haggisimo and some welcome bacon rolls! Fed, watered and having collected Fireflaps in her recycled underwear, we headed to Hazlehead.

I was given the task of scribe because I had obviously been too good on the karting track the night before and the GM couldn't handle being beaten by a woman. Or something like that! Pre run down down went to Leeky for phoning Cockatool and asking for his breakfast. As it turned out his breakfast was the down down! However, the Cock's offerings had gone stiff and Leeky couldn't get it in his mouth, although he did manage to finger a bean or two! Our visitor from Alaska was welcomed and she very kindly brought some of the Alaskan weather to share with us as we headed off on the days run!!!

After having my face battered by the relentless white stuff and getting me wet (not for the first time that weekend) the clouds buggered off and the sun made an appearance. The run took us 5 and a half miles around the golf course and some other places, but to be honest I wasn't paying attention and had absolutely no idea where I was (or who I was). Shiggy was thankfully limited and after what seemed like forever, we approached the beer stop, from all directions, with me blowing and sucking the eunuch horn!!!

On returning to the car park we put several more layers of clothes on and cuddled gluevine and some hashers.very comforting. The circle was called and down downs were given as follows (I think):

• Hares - Goat Wrestler and Koje Belle. Thanks guys J

• Scabby Arse - for abusing the GM (sensitive guy that he is) by wondering how he had managed to fit in a go-kart the previous evening

• Gay Gordon - for lounging around Leeky's house in his birthday suit and cuddling up next to Struth on the couch, prompting a discussion about substantiality and testicle grooming

• Gay Gordon Red Stripe - for turning up at the karting with our own helmets. I like to know where any helmets I deal with have been!

(BTW. thanks GG for leaving mine at the karting! You can go in and pick it up!)

• Cockatool - getting bummed on the karting track and enjoying it! No surprise there!

• Bladerunner - for the most spectacular crash of the evening having obviously forgotten where the brake pedal was and deciding that the barriers would look so much better scattered at the other side of the Bridge of Don!

• One Liner Fireflaps - the 1st and 3rd place winners from the karting. Well done guys! Cheesy Cox took 2^nd place but obviously decided to stay in bed rather than deal with the fame his (almost) win had brought him

• Roger me More - deciding to come in the middle of Rosemount, causing Leeky the postie to scatter his load all over the pavement

• Twizzle - for attending a wedding and deciding that, being an experienced and fertile man, he would make his way to the bedroom of the newlyweds in the middle of the night dressed only in his underwear .just to check that they knew what they were doing or something (Did he go back to his own room? I missed that bit of the story!)

• Numbskull - being caught out by the Duchess for the umpteenth time

• Ballerina - surviving Interhash, down down given in a rather posh looking chamber pot (I was looking for just the thing by this point)

• Our lycra clad visitor from Alaska was awarded her down down. Least we could do to make up for the constant letching at her during the run (by several hashers) and the Cock's attempt to chat her up.

I'm sure there was a few more but I was distracted by the naughty hashers beside me, those ones that keep leading me astray on a regular basis! Shocking behaviour!

OnOn

Red Stripe

If you look back at recent Scribes, you`ll notice that you last heard from me on Run1633. This is only 16 Runs later. If we continue with this pattern, those of you who don`t like my style will be pretty fed up by the end of the year.

But for the rest of you - Great News - I`m back!

Actually, I nearly never made it to the run. On the one hand I`d been glued to the Women`s

Snowboard Cross at Sotchi (exciting racing over the bumps) just before leaving, but I was

absolutely exhausted anyway after Friday Night`s Burlesque evening. Have you any idea how tiring it is keeping control of yourself when you're a grey-haired , middle aged midget , sitting all evening next to E Ecky Thump dressed in a clingy, lacy mini-dress ( her , not me ) ? Skinny almost had to break out the Oxygen cylinder by the time we got home.

But I needn`t have worried about being late. When the Van Wi Windaes finally crested the rise on

the rocky track which is Tanglewood`s access road; it was only to be met with a queue of motorised vehicles already being terrorised by a wifie with a horse and cart, resolutely refusing to find reverse gear on her little pony. So, to avert a diplomatic incident, we all dutifully selected "R" and allowed the rural terrorist to pass unmolested (apart from a withering look from Little Shit at the head of the queue).

And so to the actual Hash. Circled up, the GM approached me with a glove in one hand. I thought he was about to slap me on the face with it and challenge me to a duel!! But he`d just released his bare hand to get a better grip on the Waistcoat and Horn; which were placed upon my person for a reason which I quite forget right now. All my brainpower is still being used up with that image of

EET in a clingy, lacy mini-dress.

The pre - run DD was awarded to Little Shit for successfully negotiating his way into his 6^th decade (despite having unsuccessfully negotiated with a horse with no reverse gear only moments before).

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday evening.

Careless announced that he had managed the Hash equivalent of parting the Red Sea to lay the trail, so we all set of carefully into the mire.

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday evening.

Some of us (as usual) thought that we knew better than the Hare, where he had actually set the trail; but by and large Sir Deadmund Hillary’s mantra -" the flour is your friend" proved to be remarkably

Accurate; for the 1649^th well most of us anyway) meandered onwards; doing just that on an interesting, inventive trail.

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday evening.

"Most of us" didn`t ultimately include the master of the mantra himself. Sir Deadmund Hillary at one point disappeared into a bog so deep that only his I-Phone made it out to complete the run without him.

He caught up with us back at the circle.

Following flour proved once again to be the way forward and so we

The rest of us fought the occasional battle with barbed wire, scary bushes and deep shiggy; but with the (now usual) exception of Stainless and her guest escorts, we all made it mostly without incident to the Beer Stop - where we saw quite the strangest nage a trois I`ve witnessed for quite some time climbing out of the back of a Mini Cooper and heading towards the woods. 2 men, 1 woman, 2 chainsaws and a rucksack. I don`t judge, you know. I just report what I see.

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday evening.

And back at the Circle, there was plenty more to report!

While I stood around day-dreaming about EET in a lacy, clingy mini-dress on Friday evening, Aids got on with the business of the day. Down-Downs to:-

1. Free Willy, for attempting to talk over our esteemed orator;

2. Whinger, for having lived even longer than Little Shit and still remaining vertical(ish); and Walkie Talkie for trying hard to keep up;

3. Sir Deadmund Hillary, for following his I-Phone out of the swamp;

4. Glasgow, for being fashionista of the day;

5. Walkie Talkie, International Criminal, spotted RUNNING!;

6. The front running Cocks - "T Rex”, "atool" and "Run and”;

7. Meadow Mad Cyclist ; named "Wrong Direction" as a result of another Leeky cock up on the teen sensation front;

8. Walkie Talkie and Careless, receiving their going away Snorkel in some style;

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday evening.

9. Drillbit and Cockatool, for being complete Pervs on said Friday evening;

10. Numbskull, for falling asleep after seeing only a total of 4 breasts at the Burlesque (and none of them were EET`s);

11. Struth; for stealing Numbskull`s raffle tickets and winning with them: - all that after having not bothered to even pay for her event ticket either;

12. Run and Cock, inadequacy in the sock department;

13. Bin Liner, for having the audacity to suggest that Leeky may have been capable of fathering a child of Fire Flaps. In his wettest of dreams perhaps?

14. Fire Flaps herself, for having survived being surrogate mum to the Cock for an unrelenting

2 year stint. Can no-one offer her probation for her supreme sacrifice on behalf of the rest of us? Never in the History of Mankind have so few, etc etc

15. Penguin, for running faster than a man of his maturing stature has a right to be able to expect.

EET wore a clingy, lacy mini-dress on Friday night.

16. And finally to the Hares. Down Down and bye-bye. Good luck to you both.

BUT.. Skinny wore a SEE THROUGH, clingy, lacy, maxi -dress on Friday night. Under

a super-tight Basque , only just covering her Valentine red , bra , thong and hold-ups combo .

Teetering on the highest of heels. So who still says dreams are better than reality?

On On

OneLiner.

The Nine Stanes Circle in its Woodland Setting

Three miles south west of Banchory and accessible via a network of narrow single track roads lies a cluster of three stone circles dating back around 4,000 years. Two of the circles, Eslie the Greater and Eslie the Lesser stand half a mile apart in fields within sight of one another. The best known, the Nine Stanes Stone Circle, forms a roughly equilateral triangle with them, and once also enjoyed wide views, but now stands within a forestry plantation.

While the setting in which you find the Nine Stanes Circle today is certainly not what its builders intended, it is a setting which contributes strongly to the remarkable atmosphere that surrounds it. Here, more than at perhaps any other stone circle in it is possible to imagine our ancient ancestors as real people celebrating key points of the year or burying the remains of their dead. Catch it on a still summer's evening, especially if you are alone, and it is almost possible to believe the circle’s builders are hiding within the nearby trees, simply waiting for you to leave so they can resume their rites.

Some of the atmosphere of this circle comes from the way it has partially been reclaimed by nature. Many of the stones are heavily overgrown by lichen, and one of the uprights flanking the recumbent or horizontal stone has fallen down at some point in the past. There were originally eight stones in the circle plus the recumbent and its flankers. One of the stones has been removed, and another exists only as a stump. There may originally also have been two outlying stones standing beyond the ring of the circle, one of which remains today.

The Nine Stanes Circle was originally placed here to allow the farmers who built it to mark the passing of the seasons by observing the way the moon was framed by parts of it. Generations later, the circle, by now already a potent symbol of the ancestors, began to be used for the burial of cremated remains in what became a large cairn.

Struth’s Taxi left in plenty of time picking up Cockatool close to the Bus station and off we set for the South Deeside Road. ROAD CLOSED AHEAD we soon discovered as I drove and Struth exclaimed “It would be fine as there were many cars coming in the opposite direction". Onward for another half mile and another sign said ROAD AHEAD CLOSED. Cockatool had words of wisdom this time. "Maybe it was shut for local flooding it looks fine now" Onward drove Leeky. Approximately 3 miles down the road and two more ROAD AHEAD CLOSED signs and the traffic in the opposite direction finally non-existent we found another ROAD AHEAD CLOSED sign, this time in the middle of the road. There was also several workers, two trucks, a digger, a fence across the road and half a dozen other guys with chain saws tree felling. Struth then came out with a beauty " I think we`ll have to go back the ROADS CLOSED! " Feeling half pissed at listening to my two Co-pilots I was having none of it and jumped out of said Drivers seat and into my Trainers and carried ONON down the South Deeside Road on foot. Struth and the Cock then turned around as I jogged merrily down the centre of the road on the Double white lines and very pleasant it was too! (Wouldn`t do that with traffic coming). My challenge worked I jogged and reached the Bridge by THE MILL before my co-pilots who duly picked me up.

So we all assembled from all over at just about 11am in the above car park, well almost all of us, Careless and Walkie Talkie were seen speeding down the road in the opposite direction as the latter bellowed out instructions to the run site. Unfortunately WT was reading the run instructions for the 12^th January!

GM Ballerina then gave us a precise sermon on 1648 from which I learned one thing, Switzerland was invented .for all who didn't believe him..

Year 1648 (MDCXLVIII) was leap year starting on Wednesday (link will display the full calendar) of the Gregorian calendar and a leap year starting on Saturday of the 10-day slower. It is the year of the Peace of Westphalia.

The Peace of Westphalia was a series of peace treaties signed between May and October 1648 in Osnabruch and Munster. These treaties ended the (1618-1648) in the Holy Roman Empire, and the Eighty Years' War (1568-1648) between Spain and the Dutch Republic, with Spain formally recognizing the independence of the Dutch Republic.

The Peace of Westphalia treaties involved the Holy Roman Emperor, Ferdinand III, of the House of Habsburg; the Kingdom of Spain; the Kingdom of France; the Swedish Empire; the Dutch Republic; the Princes of the Holy Roman Empire and sovereigns of the free imperial cities and can be denoted by two major events.

The signing of the Peace of Munster between the Dutch Republic and the Kingdom of Spain on 30

January 1648, officially ratified in Munster on 15 May 1648.

The signing of two complementary treaties on 24 October 1648, namely:

The Treaty of Munster (Instrumentum Pacis Monasteriensis, IPM), concerning the Holy Roman Emperor and France and their respective allies.

The Treaty of Osnabr (Instrumentum Pacis Osnabrugensis, IPO concerning the Holy Roman Empire, the Kingdom of France, Sweden and their respective allies.

There were also territorial adjustments:

The independence of Switzerland from the Empire was formally recognized; these territories had enjoyed de facto independence for decades.

Leeky Willie was then given this Scribe to do as the day before his beloved SWANSEA CITY had beaten CARDIFF CITY at the Liberty Stadium. For those who don't believe that.

Wayne Routledge claimed a goal and an assist as Garry Monk's Swansea won 3-0 at home to Cardiff in the south Wales derby. Routledge, who had a loan spell with the Bluebirds five years ago, did the damage against his former club on Saturday evening as Monk began his spell as Swans manager with a much-needed three points.

Best of the match

Man of the match: With a goal and an assist, Wayne Routledge was pivotal to Swansea's much-improved second-half showing.

Goal of the match: Routledge's left-wing delivery fell neatly between two Cardiff defenders, but Nathan Dyer still had to find the space and get low to direct his header home for Swansea's second.

Attempt of the match: It could have been a very different story for Cardiff if Craig Bellamy's 51st-minute pile driver had gone in rather than clattering the crossbar.

Save of the match: David Marshall had to shovel the ball away from Wilfried Bony's feet early on, and he did so expertly.

Talking point: Garry Monk spoke beforehand of the need for Swansea to 'focus' - and they responded, looking much like their old selves. Can Monk now inspire them to another top-half finish, or even another cup final?

The result at the Liberty Stadium moved the hosts up to 10th in the Premier League table, four points clear of the drop zone where their beaten opponents remain. Cardiff are 19th, three points from safety.

After a dreary first half, Monk introduced Pablo Hernandez to the action for the second period and within two minutes, the Spaniard had sent Routledge racing away down the left to score past David Marshall.Craig Bellamy hit the crossbar for the visitors soon afterwards, but they were undone once more as Routledge crossed from the left in the 79th minute for Nathan Dyer to stoop low and direct a header into the corner.

A third goal followed five minutes from time for record signing Wilfried Bony, heading home from close range after Pablo's free-kick.

Monk included Chico Flores in his first Swansea line-up, while Michel Vorm returned in goal. Flores was recently involved in a training-ground row with Monk - installed as head coach after the dismissal earlier in the week of Michael Laudrup - but partnered captain Ashley Williams in defence, with loan signing Marvin Emnes handed his first start since joining from Middlesbrough.

Cardiff boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer handed Wilfried Zaha a first start for the Bluebirds after the winger's impressive debut off the bench against Norwich, and Kim Bo-kyung was also included as Jordon Mutch and Craig Noone dropped to the bench After just 44 seconds, Marshall was forced into action when Emnes beat Ben Turner and broke forward to free Routledge, whose tame shot was easy for the Cardiff keeper.

Two minutes later, Marshall made a superb challenge on Bony as Routledge's reverse pass picked out the bustling striker, the keeper pushing the ball clear as the Ivorian tried to round him.

Kenwyne Jones should have given Cardiff the lead in the 14th minute. Bellamy dug out an excellent cross from the by-line but the Trinidadian headed wastefully wide.

A better chance arrived soon after. Peter Whittingham controlled a poor clearance and burst towards Michel Vorm's goal, only to slip at the crucial moment. Another surging Bellamy run picked Swansea apart, but again Jones could not profit from the veteran's good work, prodding wide. Vorm saved a dipping Whittingham volley as, while being penned back, the visitors had the better sights of goal.

The second half was under way for barely a minute before the opener arrived.

Pablo, on for Emnes at the interval, threaded a pass beyond a dozing Fabio for Routledge to race into the box and beat Marshall for his first league goal of the season.

Cardiff's response was instant, with Bellamy clattering the crossbar after coming in from the left and unleashing a powerful drive, while Kim had a penalty appeal turned away as he went to ground under Davies' challenge. Dyer's dribble ended with the winger bending an effort narrowly wide as the contest opened up. Cardiff should have been level with 12 minutes left. Bellamy's free-kick struck Turner and fell to Kim, but the Korean hooked his volley over the bar.

The miss proved costly as Swansea quickly killed the game off. Routledge and Pablo led a breakout, with the former's left-wing cross dropping perfectly for Dyer to head low into the corner of the net.

And Bony capped off the win by powering a header into the roof of the net from Pablo's free-kick to claim his 17th goal of the season, allowing Monk to savour the delight of the home support at the final whistle.

The run was excellent taking in many a stone circle and a very nice sweetie/beer stop was presented at the final circle.

The DOWN DOWNs went like this..

1. Effing IDDEEIOTT..COCKATOOL. Managed to persuade GLASGOW H3 to postpone their midsummer event and then plonked JOCK HASH on their re arranged date.

2. Creative Running SIR DEADMUND HILLARY

3. Waterworks! TWIZZLE (Operation details were then explained and discussed. Nice to see you up and about TWIZ!)

4. PRICKLY BUSH News announced that Heather had broken her ankle on the Hash and The Penguin took the DOWN DOWN as he looked like he had been in the battle of Rorkes Drift with severely bloodied legs!

The Battle of Rorke's Drift, also known as the Defence of Rorke's Drift, was a battle in the Anglo-Zulu War. The defence of the mission station of Rorke's Drift, under the command of Lieutenant John Chard of the Royal Engineers, immediately followed the British Army defeat at the Battle of Isandlwana on 22 January 1879, and continued into the following day, 23 January.

Just over 150 British and colonial troops successfully defended the garrison against an intense assault by 3,000 to 4,000 Zulu warriors. The massive, but piecemeal, attacks on Rorke's Drift came very close to defeating the tiny garrison but were ultimately repelled. Eleven Victoria Crosses were awarded to the defenders, along with a number of other decorations and honours.

5. ROAD CLOSED Leeky Willie. Dedication to get to the RUN site!

6. HARE SHIRT GAY GORDON wanting a HARE SHIRT form AH3

7. BULLSEYE BALLERINA On throwing MUD at the COCK earlier the GM had a direct hit by hitting THE COCK in THE COCK !

8. MUFF DIVER, Thrupennybits, Fireflaps and Ballerina all showing concern for poor ol` Muffy as HIGH MAINTENANCE is incapacitated!

9. 12thJanuary WALKIE TALKIE and CARELESS following wrong run instructions!

10. WHITE BITS! A challenge from NUMBSKULL to FIRE FLAPS to compare white bits. FIRE FLAPS won the vote hands down

11. HARES GAY GORDON & RED STRIPE. Well done you two.

12 YOUNG LOVERS! JC FIFI abandoned the children rarely seen on a Hash together. Nice to see!

ONINN was announced as SCOTT SKINNERS and next week’s run was announced as NEXT WEEK

Great day, good fun

ONON

Leeky Willie

It is not a good idea to disturb the GM in the middle of spouting forth his History lesson to ask him to start again because you missed the beginning. This is likely to get you the job of scribe for that week. The reason for missing the beginning of the lesson was quite simply that this scribe had put his shorts on inside out and only realised this at the last minute when he found he had no pockets in which to keep the car key. Try taking off your shorts after you have fastened the laces of your running shoes and you will find yourself struggling to stand on one leg with a foot stuck in the shorts which you are trying to take off and when you finally achieve this you have to start again with the shorts turned the correct way out. Of course when you are wearing shoes fully laced up they will get stuck again in the shorts which you are trying to put on again and you start finding swear words which you had long since forgotten. That is why I missed the beginning of the history lesson.

The other problem in selecting this hound as scribe is that he was flying out that afternoon and it is a well-known fact that after a few days the old memory box plays tricks and wipes the slate clean of all recent events. I can remember what I had for breakfast 53 years ago and with whom but where was I last Sunday?

A quick check in the diary reminded me that I was in Counteswells car park and that Pig Iron had sent his missus out to throw some flour around the forest trails. This of course threw the whole pack in confusion before the first check and hashers were wandering about all over the forest all running in different directions. He had said "Do not go through any gates" especially the one belonging to Mrs MacGinty who would be standing there with a shotgun but despite running around for over an hour neither I nor my co-runners could find any gates and thereby survived the run unscathed.

The beer stop suddenly appeared at the old Chief Constable Car Park where many a night was spent steaming up the inside of car windows but a cold beer on this cold day was a very welcome treat. Unfortunately it was too cold a day to stand around for long and folks headed back towards their cars to switch the heaters on. The circle was formed with the absence of Prickly Bush who had taken a tumble early on in the run and headed for home and / or hospital before any of the others had returned. I hope all is well with your ankle, Heather.

The circle was the usual humorous shambles with all sorts of things going on and Aids came up with quite a few charges suitably rewarded with the amber fluid but why people wear hooded anoraks and then proceed to pour beer into their own hood instead of down their throats I've often thought strange. Mind you it was bloody cold beer and on such a cold day the throat tended to freeze and seize shut.

As an aside I should point out that this is the 17thhasheet penned me over the past few years and yet when I refer to the website I find dozens of weeks where the scribe has made no contribution either through laziness or forgetfulness and I think it is a poor show that scribes dobbed in are not treating this seriously. I believe that a scribe who has not completed a page of drivel within a week should be brought before Mrs MacGinty and shot.

Should they survive they should be shot again.

Thanks to the Hares and thanks to Hash Beer.

Run 1664 (or 1466 if you are called Struth) - The reality!

Not a bad run - bit long and cold but a few shortcuts for the back markers, a separate walkers trail and the runners seemed to get a decent run so all quite happy.

Those of us not of a historical bent didn't realise that the great battle of Aberdeen was in the year

1664 - But we were left in no doubt by a (lengthy) introduction followed by a splendid re-enactment with the pack taking sides and some great oratory and play-acting (one benefit of which was the Tool had to lay on the ground playing dead for 5 minutes).

On-On: after a few loops and a diversion through a wood, via the Whisky Mac check (I missed this as on a shortcut), the trail headed off for the site of the great battle (which seemed to be in the middle of a new housing estate just off the A90 but perhaps I got that wrong). Did take in a few key landmarks (Kincorth - lovely), before heading off over the hill through gorse to the beer check.

There was some serious shortcutting earlier by The Penguin, Numbskull, LSB (and others?) who headed across fields to the A90 as soon as they spotted the Shell garage on the horizon (should have got a down down!).

Lots of down downs for various offences, stupidity, etc. . Did Fire Flaps get her car unlocked and did she buy all her passengers lunch and copious drink to make up for the inconvenience?

Hope you like the poem! Please feel free to plagiarise for any future scribing requirements.

Aids

Jan 2014 by Ballerina

A Hash Poem for all Seasons

(Any resemblance to an actual run is purely coincidental)

Sunday morning clear and bright

(I'm half awake and not feeling right)

Or (if the weather is crap)

Sunday morning - more wind and rain

(I'm half awake and my body's in pain)

But it's off to the hash for a laugh and some fun

(if my hip's okay I might even run)

At the On-On the pack starts to gather

(Lots of hellos and the usual blather)

The GM welcomes all and calls us to order

(Then some bollocks about bishops and battles over the border)

He gives me the scribe but I don't mind a bit

(As I've already written most of this shit)

Next the RA steps forward and gives a down-down

(For some misbehaving out on the town)

The hare says it's a short one with nothing to fear

(The SCB's don't care, they'll go straight for the beer)

On-On is called and off sets the pack

(The walkie-talkies and me right at the back)

The trail went left and then it went right

(The front running bastards already out of sight)

Then it went up and then it went down

(I was starting to wish I'd stayed in town)

We ran in fields and then in a wood

(Some shortcut the trail if they could)

Some called On-On, but many did not

(All in all a sorry lot)

There were those who checked, the ones at the front

(Those FRBs are a right bunch of c---s)

We ran on the road and up a long track

(Why I am always at the back of the pack?)

I asked for a shortcut, the hare told me porkies

(He even lied to the walkie-talkies)

Over a fence alongside a wall

(Entangled in wire, nearly lost my right ball)

Shiggy aplenty by a stream and a bog

(I kept my feet dry by using a log)

We ran up hill and then down dale

(Still trying to find the bloody ale)

On-On to the beer we finally came

(It’s mostly lager again - what a shame)

Back for the circle, ready for down-downs

(Lots of laughs and not many frowns)

Awards a plenty and lots of fine stories

(Mostly made up but that's where the fun is)

Another hash over - was it one of the best?

(I don't care - I just need a long rest)

It's getting cold and some are thinking of dinners

Where's the On-Inn - it must be Scott Skinners!

The first run of 2014. Happy New Year to AH3 Hashers.

The circle was called and the pack were ready to receive the usual historical blurb.

Various battles in the English Civil War. The Scots made a pact with the Parliamentarians. Charles I feared more losses so made peace with the Irish and paid them to

Fight for him which was to prove a disaster. New runners and visitors were welcomed. The RA gave the pre run down down to Jeremy who we had now discovered as now on run 3 which had taken him almost 31 years. Some great detective work uncovered that he was on Run 1 being dragged along by his father who never ran again!

As Drillbit was just about to his hare talk he was interrupted by Leekie Willie who produced a Onesie that apparently came from Oban worn by Cockatool.

Leekie Willie that decided that as it was such a cold day, he should wear it. I thought Welsh men were tough!

Drillbit gave the intro of 3 blob and on on etc and the pack were off. Many loops in Crathes wood and soon the pack were searching for flour. The scribe, found himself at the rear after a wrong check and found Princess Madeline at the rear saying she could die in the forest as her mum Flaps had left here.

She was only 20 meters in front.

Up on the road and the pack guessed wrong. Soon the rear running scribe was back at the front. Many checks later, some of us were following the hare as no flour was to be seen. The hare was lost! But claims he was just short cutting! As my glasses were steaming up I could see no flour anyway so just followed the noise!

After crossing the road we came across a train line with most of the pack heading in the wrong direction.

Soon we were at the welcome beer stop. The last to arrive was Olymprick looking very sweaty in his jeans. Perhaps his new year’s resolution is to complete the full run rather than his usual short cutting to the beer!

Back to the circle and then to the annual photograph for new comers. You will have to attend next year to get your picture taken. Sir Deadmund was heard to mutter something about emails!

Down Downs were then issued

• Muff Diver and Aids for some drawing at Hippos

• Hippo, Mrs T and Tonto for their Hogmanay party.

• The Penguin for upping the average age of pensioners and proving the independence white paper wrong!

• Little Shit for leading the pack astray shouting “on on “when there was no flour.

• Sir Deadmund Hillary for getting a book about Captain Scott who was never at Everest!

• Little Shit again for being knee keep in shiggy.

So to the ON ON at Scott Skinners. A large attendance with the pack spread in all corners of the pub.

Leekie Willie found the oldest Chelsea fan who had never been to Stamford Bridge. He offered to take her if Swansea get to the next round.

He thought no chance as they played Man U away that night. Well Swansea won so Leekie get the tickets bought!

So next challenge, anyone fancy cycling to the start of the tour de France in Yorkshire (honest). Names to Sergio.

It’s not until July so there’s plenty of time.

Drillbit – great run.

ON ON to the Battle of Aberdeen 1644

Ballerina.