Scribes 2013

1640 – Sun 15 Dec 2013 – Hazlehead Park – Hares: Cinders & Aids – Scribe: ??

Hash Harriers

'Scribe' Duties: 17-11 2013

ReportNo. 1636.

On Sunday 17th November 2013 the Hash was conducted in the best possible day weather-wise, particularly as the rest of the week promises extreme cold with first snows coming for sure!!

Also 'par for the course' for this 'rookie' so far, was the fairly extreme undulating terrain we Harriers subject ourselves to, following a mainly forest trail leading to that particular neighbourhood's highest point, which in this case is nearby Bennachie's peaks!!

We were well warned about the positioning of the 'Beer Stop' prior to the start, and yet I sailed on blithely by it myself whilst negotiating a steep decline, which unfortunately had to be recovered by way of an equally steep incline 'strangely enough', in order to attend and enjoy this welcome and deserved break!

This was only my 6th Hash and so I was surprised to be handed the pack rallying 'hooter' quite so soon! (No doubt I'll be 'awarded a down down' for wrong terminology, but I'll just have to try to live with that till our 'ringmaster' Ballerina cottons on to the fact I 'love my beer', second only to running.)

On the 'Hash's Crimewatch' this week some terrible tales were related to the baying crowd, and coincidently enough, I was deemed guilty of 'crap' parking on my arrival! Let me assure you all, it was WORSE than that, and will never be repeated! The discomforting presence of the 'down down' sitting in my stomach like a fizzy drink prior to setting off, did nothing to help me enjoy the initial first half hour or so. Regarding the others, well stand by to be mortified!!

• 'One Liner' and 'Skinny Witch' had a domestic when taking a wrong turn or two on the way to this week's Hash rendezvous. Heinous Indeed!!

• Numbskull noticed 'letching' at young ladies at the burlesque. Well I never, at his age!! Life in the old dog yet?

• Mrs T for having lesbian thoughts about Fireflaps when sharing accommodation at Oban. Irresistible Lingerie? And of course Fireflaps herself for soliciting in the wearing of it!!

• Bruce also got up to some unmentionable shenanigans whilst in Oban. Apparently they were of the 'oral' variety!! The mind boggles!

• Hippo sustained an early holiday injury which laid him up by the pool, fit only for reading the whole two weeks away!!Very boring for a wife keen to take in the sites, and no doubt shops.

All in all, this was an enjoyable Hash, which certainly presented a challenge to reach the top of Millstone Hill. The weather played its part for sure!!

Happy Days,

Albatross.

HHH 75th anniversary

Run 1634 from vicinity of Clune Wood on Sunday 3rd November 2013 was brought to you by Muff diver & Albatross - reminiscences by JC

The impediment of getting two 8 year olds suitably attired for the vagaries of the pernicious November weather - a moist 6 degrees (without allowance for wind chill!) - And out of the house proved too much, and inevitably it was a tad past the hour when we rolled up at the On-On near Woodlands of Durris.

The circle was already in swing and someone undoubtedly got a beer, but being at this stage blissfully unaware of my impending appointment as scribe, I was not paying any attention. A hare I'd never seen before was telling the flock how it was an impenetrable jungle out there - so dense as to already have ensnared his co-hare. It transpired that the aforesaid hare, George, had been a regular these past four weeks whilst we'd been away enjoying a foreign extravaganza, and based on his direct methods of tackling obstacles, rumours circulated of past involvement with the real SAS.

Some slack checking by Barbarella caused a bit of a delay in Sawmill Wood, before yours truly stumbled on the trail and raced ahead to the next check, with much trumpeting. The experience of a thousand hashes (or possibly just good luck) enabled JC to break a few checks and assume a commanding lead, I mean role, as the trail circumnavigated Clune Wood. Somewhere in there we encountered a check, a viewpoint, some standing stones, and a man walking his dog, all at pretty near the same time (which adds up to rather a lot for your average hasher to take in).

The promised impenetrable jungle manifest itself and in the gloom many hashers lost their footing (skip to Down Downs for more scraps of information). For a bit of variety, there followed a short section of tarmac linking the trail up with Strathie Wood. It was about this point that Thruppenies and Fifi, enjoying a shortcutting experience with a few hash horrors in tow, were overtaken by dint of the fine athletic performances of Rambling Rose, Cinders, Ballerina, One Liner & Sergio.

JC was willingly led off course by Big Dipper along a falsie, and Aids followed as chaperone. Possibly on account of his failing eyesight, Aids, felt obliged to ignore the back-check, whilst the others, possibly on account of not engaging brain, retraced their steps. The Penguin too lost the plot but tried to convince everyone that since he really knew all the time, honest, that the trail went right, that somehow made it OK.

The sweetie check afforded Little Shit the chance to re-join the throng, following his recent back strain, which has seen him tumble down the FRB rankings.

Sharnie insists it's all down to stretching out to grab some awkwardly placed bum paper, but frankly the smart money is on an overzealous attempt to follow some of the esoteric manoeuvres outlined in Cosmo's Kamasutra. Hopefully will be fully recovered for the forthcoming Skispedition, the last slot for which both he and cohort Bin Liner are vigorously marketing on Twizzle's behalf.

The beer check in Woodlands Wood provided an opportunity for Cinders and Skinny Witch to outline to Rambling Rose the many exciting pursuits available to her as an economic migrant to Aberdeen. A promised was extracted to the effect that she would pick up leaflets from the central library.

Back at the car park the usual swilling and gossiping was stymied when JC, feeling the effects of the wind-chill, prompted the RA to get the circle underway. In return, the RA awarded JC a pint to help warm him up, and followed that up with another for 'leading people astray'.

Aids continued with the usual lengthy perorations which, to cut some very long stories short, resulted in misdemeanour awards being foisted upon:

• Rambling Rose for maintaining a high rambling rate.

• Little Dipper for exhibiting incontrovertible evidence that buttock dipping had taken place.

• Ballerina and Sergio for not coping with the impenetrable jungle (head plant for one [apparently his glasses steamed up] and simple case of falling over for the other).

• The Penguin for plotting to escape to warmer climes.

• Ballerina for buying tickets for a 2014 concert and then turning up at the venue a year early (again!!).

About now One Foot stepped in and stitched up Sergio on the basis that the life-size bronze statue of Dickie Bird's slightly more famous namesake has been raised five feet, to deter Barnsley drunkards from hanging condoms, knickers and bras on the umpire's iconic raised finger. Needless to say, Sergo sipped his pint to a rousing chorus of 'you're off!’

A self-imposed DD was awarded to the RA to commemorate his continuing inability to understand the rudiments of sending text messages.

As a consequence of his not being present, no down-downs were awarded to Numbskull.

Finally, Albatross and Muff Diver for laying copious amounts of flour.

JC

AH3 Run 1633

Scare Hill etc near Bennachie

Hares: - Sir Deadmund Hillary and Glasgow

The trouble with Procrastination is that you never really know where you are. So having spent a week saying to myself "I`ll do it at lunchtime in the office" then "No, I`ll take these notes home and pen some killer prose to amuse those philistines on the Hash this evening “; I sat down to start this so long after the event that I was half way through a paragraph about Run 1634 by some Baldy Bloke and an incredibly fit Septuagenarian, at Durris, before I realised that I`d skipped a week!

So rewind then to the late morning of October 27thwhen an undoubtedly colourful bunch of Hashers alighted at a road end between the two Bennachie Centres, intent on a certain amount of mischief, for sure. The extra hour available with the clocks going back had been put to good use by the majority , who had (for the most part ) participated in good spirit and with good grace with the request by Sir DH to dress up for the day.

None more so than his Very Good Grace, The Pope himself, who in the guise of T Rex Cock, made an appearance to bless us all and to ensure the sanctity and dignity of our observance of our usual Sunday ritual. And to receive the water into beer pre run Down-Down as a reward for a very special effort indeed.

The run commenced up the nearest road and then back to the start again; which was handy for those of us who had returned to our cars to make final adjustments to undergarments before starting. And thence down the road to dive into a Forest. Literally in the case of GM, Ballerina, who was found prostrate in the grass doing a passable impersonation of the wailing lead singer of a 70`s metal band. Name your own .They all sounded the same. It turned out to be something short of a full fracture anyway so he carried on manfully to the end, regardless.

Not that I would have known any of that. Because, having been handed the mantle of Scribe for the day, I was naturally also adorned with the Day-Glo waistcoat and hash horn. And this seems to have had the effect of turning me into a check magnet for the day. Not quite the same as the chick magnet of my dreams (all dry ones, honest matron); but on the day who was I to care?

I just could not fail. Check after check after check were broken first time as though they weren`t even there. Fair enough , but the net result was that by the time the first 6 or so checks were over , I was so far ahead of the pack that I have not an earthly scoobie as to what was going on amongst the almost-rans behind me.

Lucky for you all then that that restricts the amount of shite I can write about the run. Ok so everyone`s luck runs out eventually (Mr Federer). And so it turned out for me too. Suddenly I was surrounded by Hash again.

A man in a Chemical Warfare suit skipped past me like the young gazelle that Wotzoff really is; and I also saw Bin Liner being outsprinted by his grandson Andrew. Fire Flaps turned up so late that by the time she reached the pack , my Day-Glo vest had turned into check magnet again and I didn`t see her until the beer. Eventually I worked out it was her by looking at her face. After 10 minutes or so of just staring, open mouthed, at the strategically placed rips in her t-shirt.

Ozzie Osborne was there too. Or was it Alice Cooper? Or Slash? Did you know his real name is Saul Hudson? Or Jimmy Page? Or Jerry Garcia? They all look the same to me. Which is not a little unlike Numbskull.

Now where was I? Ah the run! It were fookin` greaaaaat lad. Right tidy. Right length. Right terrain. Right shortcuts for the Walkers and the Almost-rans. Spot on Hares. Well done.

Back at the Circle, Aids almost wore himself out handing out some really well earned Down-Downs for the better (fancy) dressed amongst us. There really were some outstanding contributions to sartorial elegance on show. To hell with London Fashion week. And Paris. Or Milan. The top designers of 2013 were all showing at Scare Hill, Chapel O` Garioch.

So gracing the mud catwalk we had:-

• Muff Diver, in a truly sizzling knitted beard.

• Twizzle, with a striking mask and skeleton suit combo, which had scared the pants off his own little son, Calum earlier in the day.

• Sir Deadmund Hillary, sporting a unique "drink through the eye" mask creation. Jean-Paul Gautier eat your mincing little heart out, my son!

• Wotzoff, with a return to scruffy, functional designer chic. Well, let`s face it, it never really left you in the first place, did it Willie?

• Numbskull-Osborne-Cooper-Hudson-Page -Garcia, who by now was sporting Michael Jackson`s shrunken head on a stick. Others follow where this urban terrorist fashionista leads the blistering way forward. A truly remarkable piece of leading edge performance art.

• Ballerina, less for the outfit but more for the perfect sashay - Lee Evans style - into a ditch. Avant-garde my friends. Avant-Gard.

• Bin Liner, with a nod to the younger generation. Well actually just for bringing the younger generation (of his grandson).

• Andrew -the -grandson, for being the younger generation. Well done lad. Putting up with a bunch of ageing luvvies on a Sunday morning isn`t everybody’s cup of tea at age 10. Just ask Macauley Culkin over your next vodka and heroin breakfast.

• Fire Flaps, for proving that baring less is actually more. Miley Cyrus wake up and take notice.

And our very own Aids for getting over excited at the prospect of Flaps unwrapped anyway. But manufacturing a fall in order to grasp a well-dressed nipple (any nipple) is just taking things a little too far. Especially when the nipple concerned happens to be attached to Barbarella. I`d just love to be a fly-on-the-wall in the Atkinson household , to learn all of the killer moves employed when the RA is feeling in the mood for luuuuuuuuuuuurve ! And now I just feel kinda sorry for Cinders.

And finally to the Hares, who had by then rounded off their show-stopping performance in the field/wood/mud/streams by staging their very own protest against size 0 models. The full fat buffet was a welcome relief from the nancy- boy- portion nouveau cuisine usually served up from the back of a Subaru on a Sunday morning. Or something.

Any way daaaaaaahlings , I just loved the show.

On On. OneLiner.

We went to the hash and strait away we lost the walkers trail. So we went up a random hill and then we went back down again. We parped the horn and I dropped the horn though. Mummy found a toy gun so I had to go and get it and I had to go under a really, really big bush. We couldn’t find the sweeties or the bear stop so we had to go back because Mummy wanted some wine. So we went back to keep Mummy HAPPY.

DOWN DOWNS

• Leeky - for being a silly Leeky losing his remote.

• Princess sapphire - For being Verry old eight.

• Muffdiver - For spilling yellow paint all over his 800 trainers, so their all ruined.

• A very brown returner - For being named Annus.

• Numbskull - For wasting red wine all over a clean briete white top.

Others - Mummy can’t remember the rest because she was drinking too much wine!!!!!!!!!!

H3 Run 1631.

Sunday13 October 2013

Hare : Barbarella

The On-On was at Campus one Aberdeen Science Park and to make sure we found it , the Hare had been flamboyantly generous with the flour messages: huge arrows, "this way", "On-On", "Circle Here" . The trouble was, as the RA pointed out during the circle, the car parking location was flouraly identified as “A3H". When asked what that stood for I promptly suggested Aberdeens' Andicapped Arseholes Hash. For which smart arse reply I was given the job of Scribe.

Pre run down down to The Lumm to mark his return after some absence. (He is too bloody late -where was he when we needed that cigar to keep the midges away!)

A new runner was introduced- his name's George.

Then over to the hare who, to confuse George, laboriously explained that one spot and you may be "On", two spots you may "Still be On", but three spots and you were definitely "On".

The run then started off down side streets and the rule about spots was immediately forgotten and turned into arrows. Past a couple of school playing fields, ASDA, parkland and copses and then into the countryside. An interesting Sweetie stop was held at the Top Secret Parkway Radar Station. Now I didn't see any "keep out" signs but coincidentally we few stalwarts seem to have lost most of the pack at this point. This suited me just fine because with only six of us to share all the sweets I could have all of the green triangles- yummy!

The run then continued across some farmland and that was when the real trouble started as an irate farmer roared towards us on his quad bike, churning up his field on the way. I took the cowards way out, begged for mercy and pointed him in Barbarella's direction. Fortunately the farmer wasn't around two fields further on when Sharnie led a herd of frisky bulls in a game of chase me across this field.

To sum up it was a long but enjoyable run through varied and interesting scenery. It was a pity most of the pack missed much of it!!

Post run down downs to:

• Little Shit. For getting cramp while sitting on the loo.

• George. For demonstrating that at 70 years old you can still do stretching exercises.

• Cock 'a tool. For something about Nivea.

• Numbskull and Aids. For getting lost, SCBs and being first at the beer check.

• Muff Diver. For losing the keys to the beer wagon.

• Struth. Because it’s her birthday.

• Struth. For being the kitchen fairy and tidying up Cockatool's kitchen after the Montrose run.

• Dragon. To celebrate the publishing of his first book. Called Dragon.

• George again. For being an Ancient old Superman.

Joint Elgin H3

Run No. 1628

Start, Montrose Railway station car park. With the Famous Montrose 10 (Had been to the Pre run Party 2 years running). Circle called by RA Cockatool, a little checking of the run number by Aids revealed 1628 was the number after all. Nothing happened in 1628. Then one of the clever hasher's came to the rescue. Complaining it was Paul the new runner who had said he would memorise facts. The Ship tax was introduced. What was that the sh!@ tax? "What you had to pay to go to the loo?" Said two of the deaf hasher's. (Aids and Twizzle). The clever Hasher continued to say the Ship Tax introduced by Charles the 1st was not only for coastal towns but all towns in England . Then Penguin told how Cockatool had told us the times of the departing train from Montrose 11.01am which would have been no use to any of the hasher's coming from Aberdeen!

The Penguin was given the pre run down down. Then the scribe was almost forgotten. I pointed out this error and for the second time I was given the scribe for my trouble when they had forgot. Talk about not learning from your mistakes.

There were 2 or 3 new runners Julia, Paul (and Brin?)The hare Cockatool (does this man do everything?) explained the flour for the new and forgetful hashers. The On On was pointed out to the assembled group. Over towards the station! Over the bridge which had been thoughtfully updated with lifts for the less able Hasher. Down the station platform .Deja vu, had the cock lost all his sense and sent us to a £1000 fine. Back check at the end of the platform.

After making our way back to the start we were of South this time through a pleasant park over a bridge and onto the shoreline. Next over the road bridge a sharp right and round the end of the Montrose basin. The Flying Scotsman explained he had been lazy and antisocial over the past year and that was how he had missed the hash. Under the railway viaduct and over the shore again. A dead flat fish taking our interest on the way.

Over the second road bridge and back onto the shore. Picking up a new runner on the form of a dog. Owner saying he had been trying to catch it for the last hour! Fat Slag got hold of the dog by the scruff of the neck, it wriggled loose squealing but thought again about running with the hash. Up a steep bank and over the main road south. Up a dirt track to a walled garden, lost trail here. Hero to zero from the back of the group I could see they had gone up past the wall of the garden.

The flour went left and we followed the hare’s instructions out of the trees and into a garden/field in the rear of a house. At the top of the hill we were on a country road with a fantastic view over Montose harbour. Leeky Willy said to fat slag that he noticed she had put on some weight since last time she had been hashing. She confessed she wore a boddess to stop the wobbly bits interfering with her running. After exploring the road North and home On On was called south.

The next cross roads every avenue explored some of the body beautiful hashers had striped to the waist. F.S. saying she did not like unnecessary nakedness, the reason she did not like Halloween, obviously goes to different party's from me! We eventually headed east. The end of the road into the field and right through some dense nettles and brambles. The flour on the trees we noticed one tree that had grown a wood saw, must be some mutation where the tree grows something to cut itself down with. After winding through this thicket for 10 minutes we found some soggy ground at the top of a water reservoir. Most got their feet wet. Sergio and I went slightly further upstream and stayed dry.

Down a tarred road and through a farm yard. By this time it was so warm the harriettes had all stripped to the waist. Into a field with a family burial ground. At last at the coast a left turn took us north and homeward. A light house towered over the bay just short of the lighthouse by a telegraph pole the beer stop. Thrupenny Bits complaining she never had a camera when there was a good view. Passing the Scurdie Ness lighthouse the information signs were scrutinised by many. The Stevenson family playing their part. The old beacons interesting Fire Flaps with their pointy phallic look. I think it's all that girl thinks about. Miles home, I would put this forward for the Beer Stop furthest from civilisation award!

Circle in the hare’s other back garden. Looking like an orchard some of the hasher's were filling bags with apples for tea. A hunt was sent out to find the missing students found in the house. Down down to Gay Gordon for getting a slap from a local the night before while jay walking.

Blade Runner for barfing on Cockatool’s floor Leeky Willie interested to know if Cockatool preferred vodka jelly or puke on his carpets? The Penguin’s and Harley for getting lost then The Penguin said they had actually been abducted by a religious sect! Refresh the weary and satisfy the faint was their battle cry!

Aids planned to walk/shortcut but instead did all the back checks and was the frb for most of the run.

Leeky Willie and Fire Flaps were given one for pouring & rubbing salt into Leeky Willie's head which ended up in Salt Wars with a kitchen sized salt container.

Paul the new runner was named "Cheesy Cox" for his newfound love of the skin of cheese and Brian Cox - nothing to do with sucking up to Fire Flaps! Not!

Then on to the Market arms for a very reasonable soup and sandwiches all went well apart from losing the Italian new runner Julia, a search party was sent but she turned up in the bar.

AGM horror show

AHHH run 1627

Sunday September 15th

Hares: Hippo, Tonto

I've seen fire and I've seen rain, I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. Well, a strange weather forecast this morning. What would it mean?

A lovely Sunday morning, the first Sunday run of the season. I saw the bus at the end of the road and was so excited to see all my hash chums again, I burst out into a jog to get there sooner. Unfortunately this unnecessary outburst of energy attracted the attention of our GM, who reckoned he would slow me down by burdening me with the scribe duties.

I made my way to the back of the bus (wow, taste those hangovers), and found that Red Stripe, Fireflaps and Gay Gordon had come hot foot from last night's performance of the Rocky Horror Show, and hadn't bother to change out of their basques, stockings and suspenders. Surprisingly this seemed entirely normal and should be an example for future runs for less adventurous hashers (and where gorse and nettles could be avoided).

Our beloved RA Cockatool had just come from his audition for the Adonis role in the forthcoming attraction "Gay Aberdeen - the gold lam years". He told me that the producers were so impressed with his package, they told him not even to bother to phone them about the part, as they would take the trouble to call him direct.

Cock-a what?

There was only a short drive to the run-site - this run being recycled from the one postponed from the 30^th birthday celebration. Here the GM revealed he too was in Rocky Horror mode, or had he dressed up to celebrate the birthday of Robinson Crusoe? (Yes! I know he isn't real, but coming out with these little facts keep him from too much mismanagement).

The A to B run had lots of good running, with not too may hills. As the hares had put in lots of false trails, some cunningly-hidden true trails and a few handy short cuts the pack kept reasonably together.

We even had a brief spell of sunshine, which wasn't quite enough melt the goose pimples on those hashers with more skin exposed than usual, but made for a pleasant final leg to a wonderful wooded recumbent stone circle (Tamnagorn?), with excellent Tanglefoot and Speckled Hen as well as chewy sweeties.

Brilliant.

On our way back to the bus, we were hit by torrential rain. I sheltered under a large sycamore tree with Fifi. I kept her amused with my tales of deaths on Indonesian hashes due to lightning strikes, earth’s slides and drowning. She loved every minute, but she had to go back into the rain when she remembered she was allergic to beech nuts. Just as I was about to entertain her further with my medley of 1950s skiffle hits!

The rain was so intense, my glasses steamed up and I couldn't see nine inches in front of my face. This might explain why, in attempting to mount the bus, I found I was pressing my horn deep into Thruppeny Bits's back. This could be the highlight of my ten years hashing with AH3.

Hippo had hamburgers and sausages sizzling in his garage when we decamped back at Sauchen, along with lashings of good beer. So a good opportunity to catch up with what is happening in the hash world, and to find out who is going to Hainan rather than Brussels (not many AH3 hashers apparently). A good chance to catch up with creative hashers like Wotzoff who tells me that he and The Penguin are working on a hash etymology. Apparently hashers use 200 word for "stupid", but have no words for "female orgasm". And creative in a different way was Fireflaps and her continuing quest for a man with a big wobbly mouth.

A quick survey of AH3 hashers threw up lots of wobbly bits, but nothing resembling Fireflaps criterion.

One Liner took charge of the formal part of the day - to re-erect the mismanagement team. Most of the committee wanted to have another shot at their jobs to try and get it right this time. Tom Boy Tom was an exception having run out of hare. Little Shit has been volunteered to take over the receding hare line. I discovered Little Shit was one thousand one hundred and twelve years old in hash years, and I asked him to what he attributes his hash longevity.

"Always check false trails, never drink cheap beer, and get your girlfriend to do all the hard work." Well that sounds like sound advice to me.

The RAs Cockatool and Aids, described as the RA team with youth and experience (or as the senile and the imbecile by the one nameless hasher) took over the circle to give out this year's hash awards. The best run award notably went to first time hares Lazy Bastard Son and White Bolt. But there were lots of hash heroes deserving recognition. The awards turned out to be a down-down of weak beer (with not a porridge oat in sight). Most of the misbehaviour award nominations were for Cockatool, including memorably booking and paying for ten hotel rooms for the hash, then forgetting he had, leaving them empty. Gay Gordon got a special mention for swimming the river Don to get to a beer stop ahead of the rest of the pack, and Wotzoff retained his annual annoying a

farmer award. The prestigious Hashit went to Leaky Willie for his Montrose run debacle. Pornocchio won the best leaver award - good luck down under.

Other notable events of the year were mentioned: naked runs across cricket pitches, hash socials in strip clubs, Guy Fawkes themed run, porridge-gate, various challenges and tough mudders, AH3 30th birthday celebration, wedding themed run, geisha costume, jelly-gate, Shetland weekend, Christmas

party pinyata-gate, page 7 photos, and some good parties.

Let's do it all again next year.

Pip! Pip!

T.Rex Cock

On a fine August night in the sun,

Aberdeen hash all met for a run,

On Crathes castle estate,

And despite not even being late,

I got charged with being scribe, "oh what fun"

***

We jogged off on a nice woodland path,

Some checked, some just stood still to faff,

Then back... no, wait,

It’s a figure of eight,

The hare's surely having a laugh.

***

At a view point we came across beer,

Walkie talkies and children appeared,

Then back to the car,

Which wasn't too far,

For down downs and general good cheer.

***

Bad parents, fined on behalf of their daughter

Hippo, for something 'bout baptism and water,

3 in 1 was funny (I think)

The mudders, they all had a drink,

Then hare Cinders, and Aids her supporter.

RUN REPORT FOR RUN #1620

When did we do it? 7pm Monday 29thJuly 2013

Where were we?.......Left at Banchory in the Strachan area

Who set it? Trouser Shredder (All alone)

Having missed the last 3 or 4 runs due to personal Funeral arrangements in deepest Welsh Wales I was disappointed to find not many of the AH3 faithful had changed much! Individual looks, shapes and overall miss-coordinated dress sense remains in place...I mention no names with that comment!

Right now some names... AIDS, not looking a day over 60, kicked us off with his usual welcome to all at a lovely setting in Strachan (pronounced Strawn). Joint RA COCKATOOL, not looking a day over 14, then bounced into the circle and rambled on about the year 1620 in true BALLERINA style! (GM away again...I last spoke to him last Sunday as he rushed to the Airport again!)

Year 1620 (MDCXX) was a leap year starting on Wednesday of the Gregorian calendar and a leap year starting on Saturday of the 10-day slower Julian calendar. Merry-go-round is seen at a fair (Turkey). August 5 (O.S.) - The Mayflower and Speedwell depart together from Plymouth, England, but the Speedwell starts to leak again and must stop. (N.S.) - The Mayflower arrives inside the tip

of Cape Cod, with the Pilgrims and Planters. Date unknown. A severe frost in England, with the Thames frozen. 13 continuous days of snow in Eskdale Moor only 35 of a flock of 20,000 sheep survive.

All this was preceded by the ever efficient CINDERS, who's age I would not even hazard a guess at, who collected £3 per head off us all and announced ANNUAL RUN FEE NOW AVAILABLE AT A BARGAIN £110.

On the subject of announcements there were 2 further...TREX COCK is holding an ALICE in WONDERLAND party at his pad opposite THAINSTONE MARKET from 2pm SATURDAY 3^rd AUG... Followed by AIDS celebrating his 60th the very same evening at THE INN at THE PARK.. 2 boozy events festooned with HASHERS...What could possibly go wrong?

TROUSER SHREDDER, the lone Hare then bobbed in and told us what we should/should not be doing and as usual NUMBSKULL took no notice.

WALKIE TALKIE's son NOT FAIR was then introduced as a visitor from Abu Dhabi when in fact he`s a returner from DYCE and then something happened to AH3 that hasn't occurred for many years. An attractive, beautiful, witty and clever RA introduced themselves as RUN 2EAT a visitor from CITY HASH (London)...and guess what...its a girl ....more from her later!

The run was lovely, well set and the beer stop was found inevitably found by BRUCE ALMIGHTY.

The Down Downs then went a little like this,,,,,,

1. Buglover Cockatool

2. Whinger Sad bast**d made his own yellow shirt!

3. Scandijock cancelled Penguin (got his money back)

4. Chris Broome Cycle race between Sergio and Trouser Shredder

5. Runner UP Sergio lost the race

6. Original Tour deFrance shirt 3 bits gave it away!

7. Third Hare Bruce Almighty

8. LadyBoy.... Oliver (no name yet)

9. Christening of Oliver NNY Now to be called HIS MAJESTY`s LADYBOY (fell in love with a Bangkok ladyboy!)

10. Mearns visitors Delia and Chicken Shit (come back soon guys)

11. Montrose romance RUN2EAT staying with COCKATOOL

12. Tailgaiting Turkish Delight & Struth! (Struth very interested in the TD`s tattoo location!)

13. Mudslingers! Gay Gordon, Cockatool & Leeky Willie (no change there then!)

14. Beer master wannabee Tiger Feet (excellent stand in job)

15. Weightlifter AIDS

16. Hare Trouser Shredder (well done all alone!)

17. Next week’s run Ee Ecky Thump....blond classic moment...next week’s run is 1^st left off the A96!

So another great evening was had and ONINNed to SCOTT SKINNERS where myself, NUMBSKULL, DRILLBIT, BRUCE ALMIGHTY ,RED STRIPE and her GAY Boyfriend had several more beers! Thanks Struth for taking away Cockatool and thanks BRUCE ALMIGHTY for my lift home!

Ladies and Gentlemen of AH3...Election time is upon us so please start to consider your options for the next mismanagement. I cannot influence you in anyway but I think our GM Ballerina should be re-elected as he has missed to many runs and as a result the Hash scribes have gone to Barnsley!

RA position...I vote for the delectable RUN2EAT who I hear could be persuaded to move this way. But let’s be democratic about this...RUN2EAT is currently in DUBLIN and I suggest we put the job up to the Hashing text vote...Please put your name and a comment and vote for RUN2EAT to 07977

134488... alternatively send a text to COCKATOOL if you wish him to be next year’s RA to 07732 532231.. Texts to both these numbers will cost you nothing...please keep your comments clean PS You cannot vote for AIDS as he does not have a mobile.

Great fun all

ONON to the 1^st left of the A96

Leeky Willie

Founder Swansea Jack H3

ExSongmaster Aberdeen H3

"We are gathered here today..."

Tonight's run was a fabulous occasion made memorable by the witnessing of the hashing marriage of Olymprick to Luvnest. This evenings run was set by the happy couple whom cleverly delegated this responsibility to Ugly Bastard and Na na whom did a great job: plenty of flour, no back checks, a good distance and they even managed to put in a good word with the weather man and order an evening of sunshine too. What a delight. There was another great turnout for the run with some 40+ run away brides and wedding inspired Hashers all out getting some exercise, enjoying the fresh air and a nice chilled beer here along the way. Tonight’s run also welcomed a new runner Euan whom we hope returns to rerun the hashing fun again soon.

The run started out at the car park of Hazlehead park and headed through the housing estate where we were all cheered on by some local children who were delighted to see us all in our wedding attire. 3 of our members went all out for this wedding inspired fancy dress fun, modelling wedding dresses that would not have looked out of place on "my big fat gypsy wedding", Cockatool, Wotzoff and Little Shit. Awesome effort boys!! There were also some very elegant tutu like outfits on display, One Liner, you should audition for the ballet with leggies like that.

Ballerina decided to have some fun with some of his fellow hashing lovers and lead them all on a wild goose chase echoing the words "on on" despite their being no flour in sight. Nice one Ballerina, I’m sure they'll get you back soon enough though.

The run then continued around the Hazlehead area and through the golf course where a warm welcomed beer and bubbly stop was stumbled upon by the water.

Fruit cake was also served by the happy couple to be and was demolished by all in a matter of seconds.

The run then finished up after a very warm and pleasurable 4.6miles.

The closing circle was then formed where the fun and hilarity continued.

Hippo got his huge cucumbers out, much to the delight of the girls, and Semaphore and ecky were first in line for such a treat :-)

Down Downs were enjoyed by a few including by the Olymprick and Luv Nest after they vowed to ensure they each have a beer all the days of their lives.

The vows were rather entertaining and went as follows:

I, Olymprick/Luvnest take you Love Next/Olymprick to be my hashly wedded wife/husband,

I promise to hash with you in good weather and bad,

In drunkenness and hungover.

I will ensure you have a bee all of the days of my life.

The topic of conversation for the night was Ball ironing and Cockatool has volunteered for such a procedure saying "if its good enough for George Cluney, its good enough for me". We all can't wait to see the before and after photos Cockatool.

Till next time fellow Hashers

"on on"

Kelly

Run: 1618

Monday 15 July 2013

Hare: Threepenny Bits

Onon: Witch's Tit car park

After setting a fine midsummer run: trails following meandering mountain streams, stunning views of Bennachie, devious routes cutting through mysterious forest, cool beer beside a forest lake, hiding an easy trail behind a macho trail... I could go on... I reckoned my duties to the Aberdeen hash had been fulfilled for a few months at least. But a mere two weeks after this epic run, the GM called me out to end the series of idle bastards too lazy to comment on the run they had taken part in. I recommend throwing them into the nearest briar patch if a failed scribe dares to show his idle face at another hash.

I could be hot and bothered because there was something bothering me about this week's run. It was hot! Normally for runs at the Witch's tit I ensure I wear several layers of underpants and at least two thermal jackets, in order to keep out the biting wind aiming to freeze your nose off. But tonight there was not a woolly jumper in sight, and even I struggled to get changed into my thinnest hash gear without breaking into a sweat. And it wasn't just because the hare was strutting her stuff in the car park - it was VERY HOT. Of course, being the Aberdeen hash, there still wasn’t much bare flesh exposed – but I live in hopes - you never what might happen if the heat wave continues for the next run.

The good weather had produced a good turnout, with several new runners and several hashers returning from their hols. These included Fireflaps, who got the pre-run down-down for being a little flat-chested, which enables her to run marathons without straining her vital parts.

Threepenny's promised a short run to prevent heat stroke, and said that you could walk the course in 2 hours. This sounded a good option to me, but the GM threatened to toss me into the nearest briar patch if I didn't toot my horn at the front of the pack, so I reluctantly broke into a slow jog – just in time to meet the FRBs coming back from the falsie Threepenny’s set at the start of the run. I was shocked at this - falsies are not something I would normally associate with Threepenny's.

The trail was a departure from the usual WT run, but took in some pleasant countryside – along with a lot of ducking and diving through briar patches.

There wasn't much standing around chatting at the checks, and, trying not to be caught ambling along at the back of the pack, I missed all the girly gossip. As the pack were starting the ascent of a rather large hill, I fortunately managed to short cut execute a calculated route deviation decision by following Muff Diver who had a map so he didn't have to lose contact with his wife. I of course had to follow him to ensure that hash rule number 6 was maintained. Unfortunately I therefore got detached from most of the pack and had to rely on Barbarella to guide me from spot to spot. This seemed to involve running through every thorn, very nettle and alongside every fly and midge hatchery in the area.

Near the end of the run, we stumbled upon Walkie-Talkie, who was so disgusted at the lack of instructions on how to get to the on-on, she had decided to do the entire run in a 4-wheel drive. (Don't tell Numskull.)

The weather was still glorious when we got back to the flies and warm beer at the car park. Down-downs to Hippo for attending all the beer festivals in Scotland - at least that's what he tells the wife - and to Wotzoff for losing his ugly mug.

Little Shit called out Fireflaps for complaining about little pricks. I was a bit surprised when he also called out Tonto and Haggissimo to illustrate this charge about Fireflap,s love life. But it turns out that the charge was related to Fireflaps' training regime: apparently she likes short ones at the start of the week and long ones at the weekend (Still seems like a story about Fireflap's love life. Ed). Tonto and Haggissimo were there to demonstrate the long and the short of it. Fireflaps got another down-down for infiltrating the boys only night out. (Who did we find to down-down while FF was away?)

After welcoming back returnees Splinter and Bunji Finger, most of the pack disappeared to lap up Threepenny's soup and sandwich. I went off for a cold shower.

Pip! Pip!

T. Rex Cock

A circle was formed and this week’s history lesson was that Galileo. Galileo had identified Neptune in 1612 and after a look in Uranus a pre-run down down was awarded to Flaps for her love of Cox! Along with her a pre-run down down was awarded to Twizzle for celebrating his 60th along with the handover of the AH3 60th Zimmer!

The run was then sent up a hill with little flour but lots of shiggy - Cockatool 1; Harrietts Muddy! After finally getting to the top and then down to check, a long false trail found us in the middle of no-where, but after cutting through a nice prickly forest the pack was found and after a long drag up another hill the rest of the pack could finally be seen running along the side of a hill accompanied with the soundtrack of harriers and harriets loosing there footing on the narrow path.

Just ahead was a beast of a hill - surely he wasn’t going to send us up that?! But the string of hashers said otherwise and maybe the beerstop was up there? Enroute up, a struggling Fireflaps and Penquine were aided up the hill by simply cupping the arse and pushing - trust me it works and puts a smile on both parties face! Upon finally making it to the top, the core group that made it posed for some well-deserved photos but no well-deserved beer!

On the way back down we stumbled across a rogue Leeky Willy and Blade Runner coming up the hill. Leeky carried on to the top to be the last man up and Bladerunner turned around to be the first to not make it - how can you ever live it down Bladerunner! But this did bring in some more shiggy pals so let the fun begin! After a run in with plenty of shiggy fighting but no marked checks - tut tut to the walkers; the beer stop was finally found with some beautiful cake, supposedly of the carrot variety but strangely tasting like a lovely fruit cake?!

On the way in further shiggy throwing was undertaken between Bladerunner, Cockatool and Leeky until a clean new Harriet, Nina, was spotted. Shiggy was then lobbed in her general direction followed by an attempt to squirt water at her which ended up more as a dribble due to the bottle being almost empty. In retaliation her full bottle was squirted back to the cry, “look at my squirter”.

Upon finally reaching the end of the trail we found Walkie Talkie and Careless selling off old Hash gear to raise money for charity - good work with £40 raised for McMillan Cancer. Most people paid with money, however one kind soul decided to pay with their car key - I wonder who that could be.....

A Circle was formed and the offending key was brought forward, and a sheepish looking Whinger stepped forward to collect his key and have a complimentary down down to go with it.

Down downs were then awarded to the new runners Nina and Stuart and the Visitor from Glasgow H3, Big Mac.

A down down was then given from GH3 to Bladerunner for being allowed out on Parole, however not in time to make the GH3 1500th.

Glen then stepped up and gave a down down to Fireflaps for best dressed Female (as a beautiful geisha which he was clearly besotted with) and Cockatool for coming second as the best dressed male this time with the huge Concorde fuselage (which he was clearly jealous of!).

Barbarella then came up to further add to the story after stains had been left on his jacket from the moist fuselage of the Cock - a further down down was awarded for this.

Leeky Willy then stepped up with a no one to laugh at this story - as he announced that one hasher had been kind enough to purchase 10 rooms in Glasgow for the weekend, however he had totally forgotten about them until after the weekend when he was charged £440 for the rooms which had never even been slept in. And of course no harriet could keep a straight face! A down down was then given to the only hasher stupid enough to do this - Cockatool

The story of Nina was then recalled and she was named “Great Squirter” too much applause (as flaps said afterwards - “those blokes are gonna be expecting some fun to cum!)

Finally a final down downs were given to Twizzle firstly for haring and then Leeky insisted on one for his 60th - which I was kind enough to hand over the last of my beer due to hash beer forgetting the down down beer! Leeky - If you have been there at the start and not pulled back prematurely you’d have known this was done at the start!!! But you can’t beat a double downdown!

Run 1610. (Ten past 4)

A circle was formed in the car park beside the radio controlled car circuit in Stonehaven.

Pre run down downs were awarded to

High Maintenance for her 50th run, and to

Hippo for his 900th run (get a life!).

High Maintenance stripped off to her bra for us all, good girl.

Drillbit was presented with a length of tinsel to carry around because it was his birthday. He was also given a present of the latest Bravissimo Catalogue.

A longish run took in the sights of Choochter Stonehaven, culminating in a beer stop at Dutch Cap's house. It was a balmy 12 degrees C and once all the beer was consumed nobody hung around long! On-In back to the car park and the festivities continued.

Only 3 hashers had bothered to take part in the Aberdeen Beach 10k run. The concensus was that if there were no beer stops then why bother to run. Scabby Arse was the fastest with 47 minutes something, Tiger Feet managed 48:50, and Aids brought up the rear (his favourite position) with 2 hours 56 minutes and 49 seconds. He must have been facing backwards while hopping on one foot. Or maybe I just added 2 hours for fun?

• Olymprick was down downed for lobbing 4" off his sleeves to make his apparel fit correctly. Fireflaps sent Cockatool a birthday card addressed to "the tosser who lives above the charity shop in Montrose".

• Not surprisingly it was correctly delivered.

• Drillbit was guilty of telling Barbara that he'd been keeping track of his weight and had lost 1.5 pounds on the scales. Unfortunately this was bollocks because it was just the battery going flat and giving erroneous readings.

• Leaky Willie sang Drillbit a rendition of "When he's 64". He doesn't look a day over 63 we all said.

• The hare, Drllbit, was down downed for the run with the biggest complaint coming from the harriettes who were astounded that there was no sweetie stop.

• Leaky Willie was punished for leaving his jacket on the train.

Announcements, the annual Scabby Arse BBQ takes place on 15th June. Scabby promises generous fillet steaks and real champagne. None of that Cava and Prosecco nonsense. He is also holding a "Best Tent" competition with the winner receiving 2 return Business Class flights to New York. What a generous man!.

On On to Balmedie next week. See you all there!

Muff Diver

ABERDEEN HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

RUN NO. 1607

20 APRIL 2013

HARE - MUFFDIVER

SCRIBE - SIR DEADMUND HILLARY

The first Monday run of the summer season.

The Year 1607

- The Bank of Genoa fails after the announcement of national bankruptcy in Spain. Amazing how thing repeat themselves and we never learn.

- A massive tsunami sweeps along the Bristol Channel drowning over 2,000 people.

- First permanent English settlement in North America is setup and called Jamestown.

- Captain John Smith of the Jamestown is captured by Opechancanough and then sent to Chief Powhatan for execution, but Pocahontas rescues him.

The OnOn

The OnOn was Muffdiver's and High Maintenance's house shown by the flag on the map.

I can't remember who got the pre-run downdown.

But then we were off!

The Figure 8 run is (sadly not - ed) shown below - accurately recorded by my iPhone. I missed some of the back checks and loops by hashing intelligently.

Basically it was to Hazlehead Park and back - with a beer stop in the main car park.

As you can see it was 4.75 miles and ended at 19:08:29 precisely

Post Run Circle

• T Rex Cock got a downdown for listening to the Sunderland match (which they lost) on concealed headphones rather than me giving him this downdown.

• Pig Iron got one for being a perfectionist - but spilt most of it.

• The Penguin and One Liner go one for not being too tall and racing on the hash!

• Muff diver got his for being a superb hare and setting a fantastic hash on his bike!

OnInn

Muffdiver's and High Maintenance's kindly provided soup and bread for £1 - the proceeds going to Hippo charity cycle.

Sir Deadmund Hillary

The Flour is your friend

Hash report Sunday 7th April 2013. Run 1604 - Hare Tonto.

Weather in Inverurie approx 1.2 degrees C, weather in Perth approx 34 degrees.

I am sad to say that I am now regarded as an "ex-Hasher". I was introduced to AH3 in February 1984. My first hash was in three feet of snow at Crathes Castle, trail laid by coal dust. I was hooked. AH3 was my life until moving to Denmark in January '85. There was no hash in Esbjerg, so I started one.

Met the wife in Copenhagen H3 and after three years with Nawfuck H3 returned to AH3 in 1989.

Then we moved to Perth ...... Western Australia in '94 and with two young sprogs joined the family Hash. Sadly without summertime it gets dark early and most runs are by torchlight around suburbia. This was not hashing for me and I became an ex-Hasher.

Life has its ups and downs. In 2006 I came UP to Aberdeen but went DOWN (face first) into Accident & Emergency at Aberdeen hospital.

Now, April 2013, my mother's 86th precipitated a UK visit and I thought we should visit Aberdeen and AH3. So at 10 am we (Sister Sally and I) left Strachan for Inverurie arriving at the start point at 10.40. Much greeting of old acquaintances; Hippo, Tonto, Aids, Cinders, JC, Pink Panther, Fifi,

Masterbaker/ Olymprick/ GT, Struth, Little Shit, and many more.

Pre run down-down given to;

Wotzoff for his 350th and then;

Tonto outlines the orders for the run. Apparently after setting the trail yesterday he had to reset/change/amend/alter/modify trail on account of snow. Tonto also reckoned his last three trails had all been beset with snow; today was no different.

Aids is trying to appoint a Scribe and the circle is avoiding eye contact, apart from mois....hence this rambling from Perth. So, wearing the orange fluoro vest and armed with hooter we set forth. The pace was . . . . slow. And soon I found myself at the front halfway up the hill. Hmmmmmm better slow down or I'll never get to chat with anyone.

Into the woods with many, many, many checks. “You cannot have too many checks" said Tonto. “Never check downhill " was another piece of obsolete information.

It may have been cold (maybe I should have worn me skins, or whatever it was that all the poofters were wearing), but I was happy. This is what hashing should be; snow, mud, hills, mud, trees, mud, false trails, mud, checks galore, more mud.

Meanwhile, “little Jim" (my sister) joined the walky talkies. Up the hill and into the woods. It was at this point that Pink Panther, Pat & Mary and Cockatool (suffering from shin splints the poor lamb) plus Nigel the dog (suspected to be a Labradoodle) and assorted wee bairns, returned (somehow) to the car park. The WTs then wandered up to the beer check at the recumbent stone circle. Cockatool and kids have a snowball fight. Cockatool loses. Finally the pack arrives at BC for well-deserved refreshment. Has to be said that most were drinking juices; what happened to the good old days of cheap fizzy girlie lager??? Back to the car park.

Nice hot mulled wine and time to form a circle. Down downs are awarded to quite a few:

• Big Jim for coming back

• Little Jim for being there

• Tonto for being hare

• Big Jim (by Little Shit) as revenge for many DDs in years gone by...

• Little shit (by Big Jim) as revenge for recent DD.

• Ecky Thump for new wellies

• Ecky Thump for sending out 49 copies of the hash run email.

• Cockatool got a couple

• Master Baker (Olymprick) gave a DD for someone setting trail in town to a closed pub.

• MB got a DD for following a trail in town to a closed pub.

There was some others but I knew not the names so forgive me.

Confess to being slightly bemused by the level of democracy in the circle. In the good old days.... The RA ruled supreme. Hey-ho the times have changed.

Another change was that out of 35-40 hashers, only 15 or so went to the on inn. The haggis/ neep and tatties was great and I finally thawed out while blathering with Hippo, Pink Panther, Tonto, struth et al.

On on from Perth WA

Big Jim

When: 17th March...St Patricks Day

Where: Insch Railway Station

Why; Joint Run between Aberdeen & Elgin H3

Hares: McCavity & Leeky Willie

So a long awaited re union of these two great hashing neighbours finally materialised in a very damp, drizzly Insch Railway station at 11am sharp!

Apparently the attendance of representatives of both hashes has not occurred at every attempted joint run, so it was with great relief that the turnout from both Aberdeen and Elgin was good.

Aberdeen GM, Ballerina, welcomed his counterpart Ciderman and his merry bunch of Elgin Hashers before informing us of what happened back in 1601 (AH3 run No) and finally handed over to Cockatool the RA who duly dished out a beer to OneLiner for dressing like Willie Wotzoff!

Hare , Leeky Willie then introduced three new runners... two Irish guys ,Sean & Will, (quite fitting for St Patricks day ) and a young lady, Judy, from Kintore !

Fellow hare McCavity then explained the trail laying flour details to everyone and before we knew it we were ONON across the railway lines and into the drizzle!

Thankfully given the cold and damp conditions no-one from Elgin attempted a summary of the year 1530 (a particularly dull year in the history books it should be said, which simply means one where less people than usual died in unpleasant ways) and the pack could hit the trail.

McCavity took the responsibility of looking after the FRB`s and Leeky Willie looked after the not so fit, walkers and Sir Deadmund Hillary who was carrying an uncomfortable knee injury around inside his odd socks ! Cockatool and Helen were soon to be seen having their usual lovers tiff in the mud and Bruce Almighty was asking very leading questions regarding the runs direction and its Beer stop in particular!

The FRBs did a pretty good job of finding white flour which had spent much of the last 24 hours being rained on and lay among piles of snow, and the pack negotiated some steep muddy slopes and an inconvenient fence with aplomb before the more intrepid runners forged their way up the Hill of Christ's Kirk which probably has a fine view if the sleet isn't driving sideways.

Toy Boy Tom tried to find his way back down the hill through thick gorse (until the hare pointed out trail was laid by a man in shorts) while the rest of the pack followed a newly formed path where the bushes had been hacked back. The Aberdeen hashers failed to enhance their reputation by forgoing the delights of a sheep (rumour has it she was charging too much) en route to picking up forest paths for the in trail.

The walkers eventually came down from the hill, Ciderman and Hash Flash were much undecided whether to go ONON up the hill or not and finally decided to go for it...never to be seen again by anyone ! Eventually all walkers and runners alike (and even a reappearing Bruce Almighty) assembled under a nicely placed Welsh national flag and consumed beer, softies and chocolate in the inclement fine rain!

The circle was mainly conducted by Cockatool who dished out Dog Biscuits to Struth... much to the delight of McCavity and Bodsa`s dog Barny! Struth would have been mightily relieved that this involved canine snacks and not being gifted the legendary Tery from Elgin.

Elgin GM Ciderman awarded;

• Ballerina a commemorative Elgin Hash T shirt and

• One liner got a down down for leaving all his valuables on show in his car which was left unlocked with keys in ignition.

We greeted our virgins in time honoured fashion with a down-down, the Hares were rewarded for their efforts and we were all soon off to the Commercial Hotel for the ON INN!

The British Transport Police are probably even now trying to decipher what was going on in their CCTV footage from Insch Station carpark...

Leeky Willie then donated 6 down downs and the first went to Landlady Anita for providing the private room with a welcome soup and sarnies.

• Cockatool was exposed as pinching a Murrayfield road sign and

• Ciderman picked on McCavity for his great organising efforts.

• Bruce Almighty was then picked on by McCavity for rare athletic achievement and

• Bruce in turn picked on Ballerina for loitering around Morrisons Supermarket before 10am waiting to buy alcohol!

• Ballerina closed the show by awarding the last down down to Bodsa for exposing her underwear to all (no change there then!)

Great day, St Patrick would have been proud of the few who stayed behind and sang with the locals accompanied by Jerry on the guitar!

Cockatool ruined Ilkley Moor bah tat!....The Penguin sang his famous right leg, left leg song and Leeky sang the old Max Boyce ballad the Scottish Trip!

Thanks all for turning out... look forward to our next meeting later in the year.

ONON

Leeky Willie & Mc Cavity

PS

A little something from the day before !

30-3

16th March 2013 17:00 Millennium Stadium Six Nations

Resulting in...

Note from editor: should be a 6 nations table here, but my HTML skills aren't up to tables, just imagine some image likely to make Welsh people smug instead.... nicely groomed sheep...

Pornoccio had chosen our old friend Tyrebagger Woods for our 1600th run but with heavy snow falling that morning I knew there would be a few extra challenges to prepare for. So before throwing the dog plus Boggy in the car I dug out my waterproof socks, some warm gloves and stuck an extra layer on.

Unfortunately my car was not so well prepared for the weather and on arriving at the bottom car park and in full view of the forming circle had a complete failure to make it up the incline at the entrance so I slithered back out onto the road and headed to the top carpark and walked down to the circle. So for turning up with a car wholly inappropriate for the conditions I duly received the double penalty of run scribe and the pre run down-down.

Another sleet shower came over as Pornoccio gave us the pre-run brief but this was no more than a series of excuses for how we were all going to be getting lost. White flower laid the day before an overnight fall of 6" snow was not going to be ideal to follow.

As we set off, the up through the woods which gave us some shelter from the sleet and although a few spots could be seen on the odd tree, all our checks were completely obscured. So finding trail was a bit of a challenge. Thankfully Pornoccio kept us from getting too lost with a helping gesture now and then. A few honks on the hash scribe horn from me let the back markers know someone was on trail.

After a mile or more through the woods we re-emerged just next to the cars to be greeted by hearty chuckles from Bruce Almighty and Thruppeny Bits who had successfully completed a third of the run by just staying in the same place. It was a privilege to witness such efficiency in action!

We headed a short way down the road then cut left up a trail and with help from Willow pulling began our second assent of the hills. Past the old quarry then we lost trail at the corner of a field. Pornoccio soon turned up and gave us the next 'clue' - "Oh I think I can see some flower on top of the fence posts up there". Aye right! The field had a couple of hundred fence posts all with 6" snow on top but never the less, a hint like that is all we needed to stomp up the field following the fence and honking as we go.

Eventually we ran out of field ending up in a corner surrounded by barbed wire fencing way higher than any hashers inside leg. After much complaining by the pack, Pornoccio got on all fours and invited us to use him as a step in front of the fence. But without another Pornoccio on the OPPOSITE side of the fence, this plan was never going to work. While a few set about scaling this obstacle, Hippo mysteriously appeared on the other side. Just 30 yards along, the fence ended at an easy to climb wall so those of us with a spare brain cell followed Hippo's way round.

Ahead of us then appeared a row of tall flag pole like structures, one of the Tyrebagger Sculptures 'Sky Lines' by the artist Vong Phaophanit who drilled holes in the trunks for the wind as a natural element to pass through the work. Sounds just like a few hashers I know!

No time to take in the sculpture so must get back on trail again and honking. Now where did I put that hash horn? WHAT HASH HORN!! Bugger where has it gone? Anyone seen that horn back on the trail? No luck! So I had to decide between doubling back and losing the pack or pressing on and losing the horn? I went for the second option knowing I'd need to go back out to look for it after the circle but in the sunshine this won’t be too difficult to do.

The trail then took us round the back of Tyrebagger Hill and down towards steps to the burn. Boggy led the way down the hill with me and Fireflaps behind but while warning others to be careful I omitted to warn myself so ended up skiting down the slope with my legs in the air. Such was the display, Fireflaps asked if I'd done that on purpose! Safely on level ground we followed the edge of the burn but level ground also meant LOW ground so the majority of another climb over Tyrebagger finally took us to the picnic area and beer stop.

More like 'Stop Beer' than beer stop. Pornoccio managed to 'forget' to bring the bag with the beer up from his car so we had a lager, cider, softies and chocolate stop - definitely not a BEER stop! Not that we minded as our numbers were few and once the snow ball fights started we soon stopped complaining about the lack of beer.

Back at the circle I had to confess to Ballerina about the 'issue' with the horn so it was obvious I was first in line for a down-down.

Boggy was next up for once again being too athletic on the hash, prancing past Aids like a bambie.

Wotzoff was then called in for not wearing shorts and covering his leggs for the first time in years.

Then Scabby Arse for being the only one on the day IN SHORTS. But before he took the down down and for an unexplained reason Scabby got on all fours in the circle. This act was immediately interpreted as a come-on by Willow who promptly backed up her rear into Scabby's face giving us a far better reason for his down-down.

Firflaps' bloke then got called for acquiring a leg gash taking a leap over barbed wire fence when someone his age should have known they were never able to make it.

Finally Big Foot (aka All Because) got his down down for wearing his new size 13 and half Jack Boots apparently the only type in the world that can be worn on a motorcycle and for walking plus evidently running as well.

So what about the hash horn you ask?

I was sure I had the horn as we passed the car park after the first loop to the cars so me and Boggy re-traced the run from there up to 'Sky Lines' but no sign of the horn. I had also lost my left contact lenses by this time so I thought with Boggy along three eyes were better than one. Preparing excuses in my head for what had happed to the horn I decided to hang a left and shortcut back to the car. The next problem came when I missed the left turn and with a snow blizzard blasting through we ended up doing the full circle of the hill again. When I say full circle I mean full circle - two miles running and we were back at the Sky Lines for the THIRD TIME!

"Ok" Boggy said, "Let’s back track the field and find the car that way". So back we went.

Walking round the field, past the corner where we climbed over Pornoccio's wire fence, something half shiny, half round and black was lying in the snow... Our horn was found!

As I turned to tell Boggy I found it, he was standing in the middle of the field like Worzel Gummage. What are you doing out there I asked? He was only backtracking HIS route and not mine. Since I was the one who dropped the horn, I couldn't figure out how he thought he would find the horn looking out in the middle of the field?

Obviously gets it from his father!!

on on MAD CYCLIST.

A FINE DAY OUT

RUN 1597

I arrived in the circle at Pitfichie with the usual wonderment of what today’s “Pink” run might bring; I was happily basking in the warm sun when I realised harriettes were being asked to step forward; I became suspicious when the GM Kept looking at me; I realised early on that my name had all the necessary components being listed, but the eye balling was a dead giveaway and the horn and luminous vest were handed my way; something to do with witches being burned in 15 oatcake! Tonto exclaimed that I looked well on surviving the roasting all those years ago; not sure I fared so well by the end of the run!!! A run which saw me, experience a number of abandonment issues!!!! More of that later…

So a new hasher was welcomed into the statuesque circle; Shagfest; didn’t catch where rom.,…sorry! I was too busy with my wee sideway glances to the prettiest in pink of us all; little Charlotte Molly, who’s mum had decided that she was old enough at 3 weeks to do her first run…well pitch up anyway.

And then the awards were flowing;

Trouser Shredder an enormous 450 runs;

Muff diver and Scabby Arse 100 runs and

Sweetness 50 runs;

there was an announcement that Sweetness was giving away his place on the ski hash to the highest bidder…the ski hashers were all in total shock that any true skier /hasher could bear to do such a thing as there couldn’t possibly be any circumstance that would warrant such a sacrifice……surely?!

But anyway, the hare explained that he thought that it was only right that he should prepare the assembled throng for the Easter Challenge reminding us all that the annual 4 day event will soon be upon us; he thought that a wee nine miler , would be a nice opener! It’s a runners run he explained …no back checks……well that wasn’t strictly true now was it Scabby??!!!!

So we were off. With the confident knowledge that it was a nine miler and this would be no bluff on the part of the hare, I decided that I would take a leisurely walk at the back and let them get a few falsies and checks out the way; having reccied a run 4 times in the area only 4 months ago(visibility being a problem….hence the labour intensive reccie) I kinda knew where they would all be and was right; my plan worked and the hare kindly pointed out that there was no need to follow the front runners who were heading up the hill and pointed me and the other slackers in the direction of the Stone Circle; so I was a front runner with Sir Deadmund Hillary and Olymprick for all of….. 3 minutes ,when Hippo somehow morphed out of the wilderness as he has a habit of doing…so I followed him and a steady throng of FRB’S dutifully passed me over the next 10 minutes; But I was on trail and happy enough shooting the breeze, happily taking on board the available advice from the RA , a virgin Easter Challenger and his tips on how I should prepare myself for my 8th Easter Challenge and lose a little weight to get myself over the obstacles in the Beast challenge later in the year, given my admission that I lack a bit of upper body strength;

and then the abandonment issues started…abandoned in the mud by my other half having sacrificed myself to the RA in order that he would not bathe said other half’s pink rugby shirt in the shiggy; abandoned by said RA leaving me to surf over the snow having dug myself out of a four foot drop into the snow(I am so not joking about it being 4 feet …on the plus side the bath of snow cleaned the shiggy off my back from the earlier shiggy dip)abandoned by the hare who led me and Barbarella down the hill from the sweetie stop over virgin snow , so I spent about 20 minutes in snow mid thighs (ok I‘ll let him off…it was the 3rd time he had been on this trail and clearly wanted to get back for the broccoli soup that he and the lovely Lynn had been slaving over ‘til the wee hours ; abandoned by Barbarella; the hasher I had so dutifully waited for at the sweetie stop at the top of said hill, pleading with the others that it would be wrong to leave him on his own when he had come so far at the back on his own; it was a breath taking view taking in Bennachie in the not too distant surroundings and I was happy to hang around and eat some more sweeties waiting for him(despite that being contrary to the R.A.’S advice, with my weight issues ’n all, but I do have 7 months to get sorted or persuade someone else to take my place !) But my em and em and em moment (Matt, Martin, and Malcolm) was not complete, because the other em, our esteemed

G.M. (that’s Mark) was having similar abandonment issues; having left the sweetie stop ahead of me, a little like Hippo, but in a really weird way, just when I thought I was on my own, morphed out of the wilderness behind me…and not being the tallest G.M.…remember Tonto …he was a really tall G.M.…. had similar snow related issues involving knee, and in places thigh high snow!!!!!

Anyway, so now we could see the path and hear Barbarella shouting us on and saw him speeding away from us; the hare had mentioned to me that the beer stop was approximately 2 miles from the end, and knowing the area fairly well myself as well as said G.M being a regular on the bike trails we knew we were NOWHERE near the end …so we thought you know what…..bastards they’ve left us…so we’ll just have a fine day out !!…about 10 minutes later as we both admitted that we could actually now feel our feet and legs again a certain thawing haven taken place, we thought we should have a wee run; by this time we were starting to have hallucinations and when we eventually got to the beer stop, we thought there were margaritas Jakarta style waiting for us….ACTUALLY …. No…..but there was a beer and some Capri sun… given our earlier abandonment issues, this did seem like a small bonus; and then another hallucination….Barbarella…..running backwards asking us if he was on trail!!!!! And then running off again!!!!

We got back to the circle to be met with cries of…did you get lost?? NO NO NO NO NO…we were just hashing!

DOWN DOWNS

Poor Muff Diver didn’t know his washing machine from his tumble dryer so he was rumbled for a down down;

Followed by Little Shit and Sharnie for their excellent efforts on the weekend of the 30th celebration; a fitting tribute to their shed collection afforded them a down down and a wee book ; 50 sheds of grey Cockatool having set the entire hash up for a down down losing their pink dummies , ended up with a rebound dummy because no one had cared enough to remember to lose said dummies; a charge from, his new lodger, Leekie Willie ensured that hot water abounds in the Cock’s mansion …good news for those invited to the upcoming Mearns hasher’s 50th and the Cock’s hospitality; our R.A. couldn’t get out of the circle…his attempts to give me a down down for mistaking the Gladiators (when he was giving me training advice) for the Gladiators , rebounded when the assembled group agreed that his detailed description of the Gladiators did mean to the circle “ the Gladiators” and that his advice to me to lose a few pounds was maybe not the best placed;

Our new lady runner Shagfest took her down down amid genuine male speculation about how her hash handle might have been reached…hmmmmm?

Cockatool felt it was time that our smallest hashers were rewarded with hash handles; Bert is now Nuggets, having asked Cockatool to mind them when being carried; and the lovely Maddie is now Princess Sapphire, because she makes a mean G and T for mum!!!! Bring it on young lady

The hare for an awesome run.

Gutted that we had our own child duties and I couldn’t get a shottie of a baby, we sadly missed the promised broccoli soup, but no doubt it would have been the best;

Thanks to the Hare and the Hash for a fine day out!

ON ON

Skinny Witch

30th Hare of the dog

Run 1593

On on : Cults somewhere

30^th YEAR AH3 Celebrations part 1

Firstly Thanks to Little Shit and Sharnie for a fantastic and well organised event.

Also thanks to the hares Hippo and Tonto for some quick replanning due to a large dump of Snow earlier in the week. It’s a long scribe but

There’s a lot to fit in.

The weekend kicked off on Friday Night in the Old School House for registration and a trail. After an hour of drinking, Little Shit announced the start of the trail. Of the thronging mass, around 10 hardy hashers set off on trail around many parts of Aberdeen, passing many Pubs. Outside one pub lay a amount of flour so the pack entered only to find that this was not the designated stop but an accident as Little Shit had slipped on his arse and deposited flour everywhere outside the pub door. The pack carried on and immediately got lost. Some continued but in the end, everyone ended in the same place; The hashers pub of choice, The Prince of Wales. The drinking continued into the early hours in many different establishments as was obvious the next morning.

So onto Saturday Plan B (or was there a plan B or Just Hippo and Tonto having a quick chat over a beer). After numerous pickups in Aberdeen, the pack or around 80 assembled in Cults with various conversations saying I know where this is going! Which was to prove wrong. Several of the strongest hashers decided to rebuild a snowman in a nearby park which after lots of huffing and puffing was achieved. It even had beer can eyes which were later emptied .The group photo was taken with the new virgin snowman taking centre stage. The GM (Ballerina – that’s me) called the group to order and welcomed everyone from AH3 and visitors to the start of the 30thCelebrations. As nothing happened in 1593 and no-one came forward quick enough, the GM took on the mantle of scribe (having managed to escape this task for 2 years but I have a fear that this will haunt me in later years). Eee Ecky Thump said later that she was about to volunteer .Well that can be sorted, what this space. Cockatool gave Olmyprick a down down which he immediately passed onto Luvnest. After instructions for the hares, the pack set off through the forest into areas were we had previously hashed but the pack were soon lost with shouts of “on on” from all directions when they clearly weren’t ON. Tonto got us back on track taking us though a blue line that he had earlier stated we should not cross. He blamed Hippo for laying this in the wrong place. We ran though familiar territory but this did not help as the back thought were going to Westhill, no Kingswell, no back to Culter & ALL WRONG . Little Shit said he knew where the pickup was so he could short cut but didn’t want to miss the whiskey mac stop. We all carried on through various forest trails with lots of snowball fights and rugby tackles from Cockatool and Gay Gordon. Then finally, after a long downhill check back. Thanks Tonto I arrived at the whisky mac stop. About 40 mtrs down the hill, Little Shit passed by totally unaware and missed the stop. T Bits had his share and continued in not such a straight line. Leeky Willie discovered he had haemorrhoid’s which was later diagnosed as just lumps of ice and more easily cured than the procedure we had in mind. We headed off again in the direction of Kingwells but then somehow the hares had tricked us and Canna be Arsed explain, we were at the arse end of Hazelhead woods. Even then we got lost, the pack wondering in all directions. Some went the walkers’ route and were on the post beer check trail.

Finally all was well and we reached the beer check and back to the transport. After refuelling with beer and sandwiches (made by Sharnie or is it Sarnie), the pack were called to order and the many down downs commenced.

Down Downs and circle managed by Canna Be arsed and Cockatool with contribution from Flying Dutchman and Septic.

Mis-management just to get the down downs started.

• Cloysters Flight cockups and Calls for lifts- should have taken the train!

• Little Shit - for doing Sharnie whilst making Sarnies or not!

• Lay Down Sally loosing bag on route

• Urine having to travel in back of Olympricks van due to a dicky knee

• Wha De Say twice for not knowing quiz questions thick boy! Answer 1839 and 70,000 games makers.

• Hippo, Red Stripe, Tonto (Pornochio lookalike), Fire Flaps, Gay Gordon - for having various items stiffed in various places at Christmas Party

• Canna be Arsed Calling people from Edinburgh southern softies great to get closer ties with EH3 and TNT.

• Free Willy dragged in to the circle for sitting on the floor looking cold on a plastic bag

• Little Shit then decided that the pack was getting cold and we needed a rendition of the old Aberdeen favourite of Father Abraham which went down great.

There were many more down downs but my memory became a little numb with cold.

So, onto the festivities at the cricket club. A great night started by the MC - One Liner. The first act of Fire Flaps and Trouser Shredder went down a storm. Then the haggis made an entrance and was addressed and eviscerated with gusto by Toy Boy Tom. After being fed, Flying Dutchman gave a comic routine on how to interpret women. Word has it that Sweetness has bought a cookbook and the G&T is in stock but Enron is still not that optimistic! Tongue Lasher gave the reply from the lassies. Cockatool (The Penguin pearly duck!) gave us a song after several attempts after admitting he was very pished.

Contributions also came from Shirley Valentine and a police poem recital from Numbskull which was directed at Septic or is it Sceptic. Ballerina and Eee Ecky Thump represented the Yorkshire contingent with a rendition of Ilkley Moor Bhat at. Finally, Sweetness gave us all a song that we all tried to join in, well sort of.

The band, having been paid for the last 3 hours to listen to us hashers spout on, finally got chance to play. The dancing commenced with too many examples of how not to perform highland dancing. The highlight for me was having the final dance with Haggissimo. Still not sure was the girl but Haggisimo said I looked lovely in my dress and gave me a kiss! Midnight quickly came and Cockatool gave the final cry of the AH3 tradition on the cricket pitch, the naked run. I won’t name who participated but you know who you are.

ON ON

Ballerina - Thanks to all who travelled and look forward to seeing great hash friends in the future.

Run Number: 1591

Date: Sunday 13th January 2013 11:00AM

Hares: Olymprick

On On: Stonehaven Square

Hello All

After another excellent and overindulgent party at Fireflaps 40^th birthday party, Ecky Thump kindly chauffeured me to pick up my car still in the Stonehaven Bowling Club car park on Sunday morning. Several hashers had overnighted at Fireflaps including myself, Twizzle, Cockatool, Barbarella, Ecky

Thump and a few other civilians where we had overdone it with fizz and Sambuca before and after the party. I believe all had a good night!

A large gathering was already in the car park when I arrived hiding the down down mug. I promptly kicked over the mug when trying to pay my dues to hash cash Cinders for which Ballerina awarded me hash scribe AGAIN!

Ballerina the GM explained his absence from the party due to a son AWOL and fielding calls from the police about poisoning dogs in Stonehaven.

A couple of awards, a 100 run sweatshirt to Red Stripe and a 300 run hip flask to Tiger Feet, were presented. A couple of new runners were introduced,

Louise and? Can't remember?’S name as he wasn't as pretty. Several Edinburgh runners, Megasaurarse, Shirley Valentine, Flying Dutchman, Bruce and

After a lengthy answer and question session, with Luv Nest keeping sensibly quiet Olymprick and Cockatool, finally told us which direction the run was starting in. The pack, suitably frozen by now, set off towards Stonehaven Harbour. After running the complete harbour an escape was made in the direction of the braes behind. Believing we had to do the hills many of us took off towards Dunnottar castle. Wrong!

A sneaky back check took us into Dunnottar Woods alongside the river Carron up a slippy hill only to have to go back down the other side into the valley.

Cockatool, using some sense, did mark it 'Easy' for the walkie-talkies but didn't put 'orrible' in the other direction. The few daft ones and purists like myself followed the trail down further into the valley of mud and fallen trees. Fighting our way upstream being heckled by Penguin and Lipstick who had decided to observe part of the run from the comfort of the road above us.

Fighting the obstacle course I thought Right Tit and Louise had decided to call it a day after Louise splendidly did the splits but they had just seen sense and joined the walkie-talkie route for the rest of the 'hard' bit.

Past the shell house and the newly repaired bridge now newly washed out again and up the stream to the top car park at Dunnottar Woods we wended.

Having been left behind by the SCB's, Little Shit and I with Bogbrush, Right Tit and Louise (Splits) met up again with the walkie-talkies valiantly led by Luv Nest at the top of the woods. We endeavoured to catch up with the pack with no success. Back down the west side of Dunnottar Woods, past the church, to the river Carron and a beer check on the road bridge.

As the beer check, in Olymprick's estate car, had not been set up at the bridge in time, the SCB's were forced to check out a long mile check back up the river. Because of this I was feeling comfortably smug as the SCB's slowly drifted in to the beer check.

On in back to Gluhwein and more beer in the town square.

A good run of +/- 4 miles especially after a heavy party. Thank you Hares

A circle was formed with Cockatool, Aids and guest, Flying Dutchman as RA's.

Down Downs to Fireflaps for her 40^th birthday party and leaving her knickers in Drillbit's car

Also to too many to remember,

Guests

New Runners

Hares

On On

Drillbit

Hash number 1590

Location Castle Fraser

Hare Hippo and Mrs T

Well it was a controversial hash which Struth and I turned up to at Castle Fraser. Why controversial I hear you ask? Well there was a last minute change in location thanks to shenanigans last week. But enough of controversies and onto the run itself.

I was assigned scribe due to false allegations of being late. I'm never late! There were some new people but unfortunately I was day dreaming at the time (about a romantic liaison!) so didn't clock their names. There was an interesting group of dog walkers forming on the other side of the car park. I debated going to join them (my lifelong ambition is to go dogging and this possibly could be as close as I get) but decide against it. After all what can be better than going on the hash!

Then over to the RA and he had an award. Well he didn't have an award. It was for Sharnie who had completed a number of runs. I think that number was 450 but again I was day dreaming so not quite sure. The requisite award (a brand spanking new hat) was missing but Aids did gallantly offer his hat as a replacement.

Over to the hare who explained what flour meant etc. Mrs T had helped hare the run and as she is a church goer she had placed crosses in the checks. "Waste of flour " grumbled her husband. Off we went with lots of people wishing each other a "happy new year".

I was part of the walking group that included Luvnest, Egg foo, Bruce Almighty, the three new people, Batty and Aids. Apologies if I missed anyone. Off we trotted after the main pack. We soon turned off the route and wondered along a very pretty path. Bruce Almighty and Aids did the map reading and guided us along a very interesting route. Half way round we met Olymprick who had come from God knows where. We negotiated some very rough ground and some very nasty barbed wire fences to come first to the well-stocked beer check.

At the beer check there was lots of interesting conversation. I learned from It's All Because that in Australia you can be made to sit on ice blocks for 20 minutes without any underwear on. Makes Aberdeen's porridge traditions look quite tame doesn't it? Anyway onto less controversial subjects. Killer approached the beer stop. She has to jump out of the leaves on the ground being so tiny. So cute. Talking about cute I spoke to Scabby Arse. His bun in the oven is set to be ready to come out in 2 weeks’ time. Exciting times. On the way back to the car park I spoke to Eggfoo about the work she did in Botswana with HIV positive patients. Sounded like good stuff. And onto the circle.

Down downs were awarded to

• Ecky Thump for getting engaged. Congratulations to her and her finance

• Tiger Feet - now this is where it gets interesting.

• Tiger Feet got two down downs. One for his camera not working in last week’s porridge throwing incident and another for missing the people who wouldn’t have cared about being covered in porridge and managing to hit people who cared very much.

• Fire Flaps - for not being able to unlock her kinky sexy hand cuffs.

• Drillbit - for damaging his manhood daintily clambering over a barbed wire fence.

• The three new runners who had morphed into four.

• Olymprick and Luvnest - for Olymprick getting Luvnest to pack his bag. I should explain that Olymprick was wearing underpants over his trousers. No idea why.

• Little Shit for falling over himself on the run.

• JC - for losing his children on the run.

And finally Hippo and Mrs T for stepping into the breach and organizing a good run quickly and inviting us all back to their house for lunch, Well done and apologies if I forgot anyone.