Scribes 2023

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2112

Sun 31 Dec 2023

OnOn: Rosewell Drive

Hares: Muff Diver & High Maintenance

Scribe: Wee Willie

Your scribe had two options, stay at home and clean the house in preparation for the New Year, or go hashing. The offer of a lift from Mrs Rats won the day. Of course there was the added bonus of winning the scribe, so here goes...

RA Aids brought the hash to attention and awarded:

·         Mrs T a comfy chair for lots of runs. Can’t remember how many. Must be lots, as maybe she needs to sit down more now. (800 award, well done that Harriet. Ed)

·         Also 25 Runs Award to Mario’s Chuff. Down Downs were drunk with enthusiasm. 

·         Additional awards to JC for 1201 runs, and to Little Shit for 1501.

·         (Don’t forget Shaky’s palindrome!. Ed)

FiFi proudly informed the hash that hash hound Boston didn’t like the taste of last week’s nice warm gloves, and has regurgitated them. Funnily enough no-one wanted them back.

Lots of other dogs in attendance, Batty & It’s All Because’s as well behaved as ever, Sherlock must be getting close to an award for the most canine hashes done. Or maybe being owned by T Rex Cock is reward enough. Also good to see Gingivitis being looked after by Tia.

Twizzle brought along new runners- Peter and family- Hiroko and wee Iggi. 

We also welcomed new runner Kurt. Seems his hashing pals were keen to get him a hash handle- debate at the beer check seemed to settle on Mr Jangles, who knows why (or is a reason even needed?).

High Maintenance was let off lightly with her new Christmas trainers- best not to p*ss off the hare before the run! Mrs T also had new shoes, but no-one noticed.

Muff Diver would have headed off with the runners, if he hadn’t been out on trail-setting duties. Jet Slag looked after the walkers, and many maps were distributed.

Olymprick was complaining to Bruce Almighty that he had taken over from The Penguin as Hash Traveller. Poor Olymprick has had to put up with no partner in crime on the hash.

Fetus Envy was proudly wearing his Beijing hash T shirt Christmas present. Maybe a good time to ask Hash Cash for a similar Christmas offering for the pack? (Over to you Toy Boy Tom).

I was reliably informed that the runners enjoyed the trail, lots of flour, though abused by civilians in some areas, which all added to the excitement of finding the trail. JC and Ballerina were reputedly trail blazers, doing all the back-checks and finding themselves always catching up with the walkers.  It’s not often that FRBs have to repeatedly catch up with Struth, NotDot and Glasgow.

In fact, there was a strong rumour that certain FRBs were spotted shortcutting on the walker’s trail. Ballerina, Hippo, Shaky, you know who you are...

Hazukashii had some similar challenges- having found the sweetie check he was caught in a perpetual loop that brought him back to the walker’s trail. Congrats to Rats for rescuing the sweetie check from passing strangers and bringing it back to the beer check.

Pack gathered back at the On Inn, with athlete Scrungebucket last hasher to return.

RA Aids kicked off the DDs with a reminder that the RA was always right (except in his case, when Cinders tells him he’s wrong).

• Hippo decided that he was right sometimes, and got a DD for his RA abuse.

• Tickbait was awarded a DD for taking over from T-Rex Cock in the Bloody Knee department. Apparently last week’s tumble should have won prizes, except all he got was nurse Sharnie trying to fix him, Little Shit curing him with a beer-soaked bandage, Shaky trying to find the hash medical kit, and It’s All Because being the Good Samurai (don’t ask, I didn’t understand either).

DD’s also to our new runners, who all enjoyed their adventures, especially Iggi, who didn’t realise how well fed he would be on the hash.

• Acrobat awards- to Wee Willie, Sharnie & Twizzle

• StonAa & Gimp With A Limp - don’t know why- must have disobeyed Ballerina

• Olymprick- for bringing gifts but not pies

• Jet Slag- for losing diamonds on the hash

• Harlequine- wrong shoes and whinging

• Probably others, but I have a short attention span...

Thank-you DDs to hares Muff Diver & High Maintenance- thanks for a great run

And thanks also from the pack for a great OnInn c/w multiple soups and snacks to prepare us for the excesses of Hogmanay night.

 Wee Willie- Scribe

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2111

Sun 24th Dec 2023, 

On-On: Public Car Park on Altens Farm Road

Hare: Twizzle

Scribe: Shaky

A pack of 40 or so hashers braved the blistering cold wind for this year’s Christmas trail, dressed in a motley collection of costumes and headwear or just normal hash gear. GM Shaky elected to give the assembled pack a Christmas present and, with best intentions to stay on trail took on the duties normally doled out to one of the unsuspecting pack.

Pre-run down downs and run awards went to:

·         Little Shit for being the first to achieve 1500 runs with AH3 and to

·         JC for an admirable but almost just as impressive 1200 runs.

Extremely well done to both of you. Little Shit’s new garb looked a little tight around the waist - hopefully Hash Haberdasher got a gift receipt. As well as the designated awards, Little Shit became the proud owner of a unique personalised, bright yellow mini umbrella to make up for missing out on the revised 1300th award due to his own historical over-achievement; not that he would have wanted one anyway.

Hare Twizzle, announced a cunning plan to serve whisky macs and mince pies before the run started (he hadn’t managed to include an envisaged whisky mac stop on the trail), but this firmly rejected by the assembled masses, so, he moved swiftly on to explaining the trail signs. In passing he mentioned something about how difficult it had been to lay the trail given the weather and especially since he had run out of sawdust. 

Setting off, the pack turned right out heading out of the back of the carpark. Strategically leaving the carpark last I was relieved to hear the hare shout to go left, not right and found myself, temporarily at least, as an FRB. My elation was short lived as I had an “O-Shit” moment, and on realising I had left my car key in the car about turned and headed back to the car park to find Batty trying to silence her car alarm. By the time I had retrieved the key from the back seat under a pile of clothes (don’t ask) and got back on trail the pack was long gone, but which way?  Luckily, or so I thought, I spied Shite Boy Friend walking down the main road on the other side of the carriageway. My joy was short lived once I had caught up with him as he told me the pack had gone the other way and he was heading somewhere or other for a coffee. It was going to be one of those days.

Back up the hill and Ballerina appeared from the direction of the car park. He had been delayed loading the mince pies and whisky mac ingredients back into the beer wagon. Now on the wrong side of the road, it took a while to find the trail having dodged the traffic several times and checked out every other road and lane except the right one. Finally heading south on Wellington Road we followed the trail into some woods then around the back of the Altens hotel. Confusion set in when we found a check kicked out in one direction then, 50 yards further on, a check kicked out the way we had just come.  It emerged later that, according to his better half at least, One Liner was responsible for this apparent snafu in check management. 

We went our separate ways with Ballerina heading east while I continued south before also turning east towards the coast once I hit Langdykes Road. Crossing the coast road, I headed down to the coastal path hoping to pick up the trail there.

Left, or right? I wondered when I reached the cliffs – as my normal default of straight on wasn’t an option. DingDong and Fiona appeared, coming along the coastal path from the left. I thought my luck was in and waited for them to catch up thinking I had done a mega short cut. Wrong again. They were off trail too having lost the pack after stopping for a comfort break. We wound our way through the warren of houses that is now Cove and headed towards Loriston Loch. And then when no sawdust could be found there back to the On-On.

Back in the carpark, half of the walkie talkies were stemming the cold by drinking Glühwein from any vessel they could find. They had done a very short loop around Loriston Country Park found the beer and headed straight back which meant they had been waiting for a while. The other half of the walkie talkies, including some prime down-down candidates, had already left. Numbers dwindled further over the course of the next half hour while waiting on the pack. 

• Jetslag was seen heading to her car having done her last-minute Christmas Eve shopping in the Aldi next door.

•  Aids, only still there from a sense of duty, bemoaned how cold and wet his feet were after Cinders had also left along with his change of footwear. 

• Olymprick said he needed a beer and hopped in his car and headed to The Marine.

Prickly Bush was the first of the runner’s home only it turned out she had taken a short cut. Skinny Witch and Shiggy Tits appeared shortly after her having also lost their way.

The pack finally appeared and once the beer wagon had been unloaded there was finally an opportunity to load up on whisky mac (mix your own) and mince pies before the diminished numbers who remained were called to order to order.

Ballerina produced a long overdue shiny white new beer table and awarded himself and Hippo down-downs, drunk with the table at half-height and hands behind the back.

RA Aids produced a notepad which looked familiar since it was one that had been handed out to Tickbait as scribe on a previous run and charged me with leaving it on my car at the start of the run and therefore being incapable of taking notes. It was then that he had a light bulb moment and realised it was a false charge since I had a different notepad in hand and was scrawling away; nonetheless we both drank. From later discussion it transpired that I had been wrongly dobbed in it by the long gone Olymprick, and that Tickbait had left the notebook on his car and not mine intending to return it.  One of those rare instances where truth is stranger than the RA’s fiction?

Another down-down for yours truly followed for leaving my car door open. Whether this was before or after I had gone back to retrieve the key and lock the doors, I’ll never know but at least Drillbit had kindly closed it for me on his way home.

 At this juncture Ten Brulee burst into song, accompanying the down downs with the festive ditties sent out the previous day. A brave effort.

JC who dropped his phone on trail and Ten Brulee and Tickbait for being technically savvy enough to use the iCloud app and help him locate it.

Emergency first aid to Tickbait, who had gashed his leg but until then had bravely soldiered on, was administered by Underlay and others while the circle wound up.

Twizzle (glove) and Hippo (hat) were charged for lost property

And finally Twizzle for haring a long but, going by feedback, a good run if you were on trail.

The On-Inn was at the Cove Bay hotel, where 20 or so gathered including several who had left before the circle to go and powder their noses in the warm.

On-On,

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run No. 2110

17 Dec 2023

Hare - Toy Boy Tom (assisted by Thru’penny Bits)

OnOn: Duthie Park, Riverside

Scribe: Glasgow

We arrived for what is known traditionally as the ‘hangover run’. But my how times have changed. There was no one with a hangover except for all rather grey GM who was an unable to run due to a poorly tummy. Yes, last night’s Christmas party was quickly summed up by Septic Sporan, “it was ****” was his verdict.

Everybody else looked in fine fettle- especially Little Shit and Sharnie who glared at everybody who tried to park in the place reserved for hash beer - a very useful service.

Down downs were given to 10 Brulée and Shaky for organising the said ‘****’ night out.

There were no awards, so we started with announcements – principally that the Shetland Summer Dim is now open for registration.

Thruppenny Bits looked a little bit surprised to learn that she was a hare. And Toy Boy Tom made some pathetic excuse about the laying of the Hash due to the fact that he used sawdust instead of flour which is not really appropriate on a windy day.

The On-On started at the bandstand and, en-route full use was made of the children's play park, especially the slide. At this point I lost all the walkers and had to make do with the ‘straight to the beer stop group’ which seems to be growing bigger and bigger. What have we come to??? The only useful piece of information gleaned from the ‘straight to the beer stoppers’ was from Olymprick who said, ‘ my brother fancies is the pants off you.’ We met a PigIron on a bike - then we retired to Costa for hot chocolate.

Now on to the circle:-

Down downs were given for costumes at last night’s **** party:-

• Oneliner for wearing a matching jacket and pants, commonly known as a suit, overlaid with a mankini giving him dingly dangly bits. Very Christmasy

• Egg Foo for pretending to be a hare wearing a hairshirt

• Tickbait for looking stunning – wearing especially gorgeous red pixie boots with bells on

• And finally to our GM shaky for coming as a steam pudding and looking as if he had been steamed and then got steaming.

• Cockatool demanded to be allowed to have a down down too as his original outfit of a ‘tablecloth after Christmas Dinner’ was banned by the Hotel management.

• The next award went to Sir Deadmund Hillary for lack of effort. Sir D was caught doing an impression of Steve Cuddy.” I was doing an impression of Glasgow, but I didn't get a down down.”

We then did a quick assessment of the Secret Santa presents distributed by our lovely ‘Santa’s Little Helpers,’ 10 Brulée and Smurf.  The best Secret Santa was awarded to the most beautifully wrapped present of an empty box. Thruppenny Bits exchange said empty box with Sauerkraut for his Doors CD. I think it's really mean to play tricks on old people. Thruppenny Bits was awarded with a down down and an Angry Birds game presumably because she is an angry bird.

Talking about feeling left out, Septic Sporan then went on to spend many, many hours talking about the after-party party, which of course by its very nature means it was exclusive and not inclusive of the whole hash. So – very bad form Septic Sporan. Other misdemeanours were:-

• 10 Brulée - for breaking and entering. She lost her hotel key. So she just kicked the door in. But that wasn't the end of it- it was then discovered that she had a bottle of Malibu which still had the security tag on it, and on this morning she did a runner from her hotel.  Septic Sporan is going to be keeping an eye on her.

• The next award went to Shite Boyfriend who said to Cockatool ‘if you throw any more food I'm gonna do you in.’ At this point there was a lot of applause.

• Other notable events – Kashia and Harlequine left the party early to go and do some karaoke. They didn't ask me to join them, and you all know how much I love singing.

• Finally Septic Sporan told some boring story about an Aberdeen Hasher that Cockatool walked past on the Edinburgh station platform and…. well who knows what the point of that story was. Personally, I was losing the will to live.

• Finally, a charge from the circle was given to all those ignorant incomers who, refusing to join the speciality of Scottish culture, had not eaten the skerlie which was served as part of our wonderful Christmas dinner.

• A further charge was presented by Twizzle who reminisced that as an apprentice he was often told to go for a long wait. Barbarella and Doina were not there to collect their award as they were still waiting for a taxi. Twizzle further reminisced about the drinking night in Number10 on Friday which was heaving with no one able to get to the bar, until Twizzle arrived when the whole place emptied.

• Further misdemeanours- Gas Chamber who left her phone behind,

• and Hippo who, just like Cinderella at midnight, left his shoe behind. As the shoe looked suspiciously new he was requested to drink from it. But he refused.  He was given a down down to the tune of Nancy Sinatra ‘These boots were made for walking.’

Next week’s run-  Altens- next to ALDI

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2108

Sun 03 Dec 2023

OnOn: Scotstown Moor

Hares: Skinny Wutch & Oneliner

Scribe: Biggles

Dear readers,

Despite trying to keep a low profile, and wear inconspicuous black garb the GM picked me out as the scribe for the week. Was it because i was next to a bunch of the less tall hashers that I stood out?

We were gathered at Scotstown Moor for run number 2108, and as soon as the circle was called to order it had to disperse for a muggle trying to exit the car park.

A reminder about the xmas party was announced, the weekend away was mentioned (still room for a single she and a single he)

Birthday downdowns to Express Chicken, Not Dot and Shite Boyfriend, before Batty was given her 400 run award.

Then Skinny Witch and Oneliner gave us the lowdown on flour markings as used on this run, and then we were off.

No sooner had we got into our stride than we reached a check, which caused confusion as on-on was called for patches of snow instead of flour. Noticing our error cos we could find no more flour and on –on was being shouted from a different direction, the intrepid dozen or so made our way to the correct trail and caught up somewhat at the next check, where a host of hashers just stood in the sunshine while a few hardy souls checked it out. The trail then went into the streets but not for long before dragging us back into the countryside.

Run was going well until I missed a direction arrow, and ran on a few hundred extra yards. Should pay more attention, could do better. Was then offered a short cut by the hare but opted to go the pretty way, and met up with 3 other gallant hashers but a distinct lack of flour where we were.

 Eventually found our way back to the trail, nearly missed another arrow and caught up with the pack at the sweetie check, which was followed soon by the Beer Check where Olymprick managed to gather the few schooled in Aberdeen, from Gordons (all boys), Albyn (all girls),Grammar (all boys) and Academy (mixed – much more fun).

On the on-in trail, there was a runners trail, but as I could see the pack just fifty yards in front of me I ignored the arrow and joined Harlequine who was completing her second loop, and headed back to the cars and a warm spiced wine.

At the circle there were down-downs for:

• Scrunge Bucket for failing to hare a couple of weeks ago because he was wearing a heart monitor and he didn’t want it to spike giving the technician cause for concern.

• Harlequine for doing the loop twice

• Biggles for shortcutting the loop in full view of an RA

• Fire Flaps for shortcutting

• JC , Ballerina  and Sir Deadmond Hillary for arriving at the beer check from the wrong direction

• Shaky for pocket dialling Aids

• Aids and Prickly Bush for (can’t decipher my writing)

• Twizzle (see above)

• Sauerkraut for having an eye op

• Biggles for going to buy Not Dot a birthday present and having to use her credit card cos he left his wallet in the car

• Hares Skinny Witch and Oneliner for a super run in the sunshine

 And a special thanks to Shaky for attempting to gee up the hash with some new songs.

Biggles

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run #2107

Sunday 26th November 2023

OnOn: Kirkhill Forest

Hares: Wee Willie & Scrungebucket Bungee Finger

Scribe: JC   **

On a dry but chilly morning 56 hashers gathered at Kirkhill. Given this sizable turn-out the chances of my being selected to scribe seemed (approximately) vanishingly small, particularly given that esteemed GM Shaky initially forgot to nominate anyone - until at the last moment seizing upon the hapless Bungee Finger. However, it was pointed out (by Bungee Finger) that Bungee Finger was already laden with the heavy responsibility of standing in for Scrungebucket, causing the GM to re-evaluate. He rejected the obvious rebound option of self-selecting, in favour of foisting the prestigious honour upon the ever humble JC (who of course, with no children at home, bears no heavy responsibilities).

Bolstered with a blank sheet of A4 paper and a ball-point which had ceased to function, the scribe recorded (invisibly) the pre-run DDs awarded jointly to Prickly Bush (for her thesis on 101 uses for a hot water bottle) and Tonto (for the lucid explanation of his crucial role as ‘Timer’ in the recent European World Curling Championships).

A lengthy discourse on the finer points of hash signage ensued as the assemblage gradually froze in the Baltic temperatures. By the time that a working writing implement had been located the scribe found himself perambulating along the westward bound track in the pleasant company of the walkie talkies, all vying to unburden themselves of a week’s worth of gossip. Fifi, It’s All Because, Batty, Olympric and Numbskull fell into this category. Pink Panther and MumMum exhibited their multi-tasking talents by talking and listening at the same time, although sadly their skill did not extend to spotting the large arrows marking the footpath leading north. Following the recent replacement of his car battery Drillbit was bemoaning the now inaccurate setting of his on-board clock, which had resulted in him arriving with insufficient discretionary time to exchange pleasantries before the run commenced.

Barbarella and Little Shit rushed past, flustered at having inadvertently explored a part of the On-Inn trail which had strayed perilously close to the outward trail. Moving aside to let the athletic duo past, T’Rex Cock took advantage of the hash’s lax attitude to performance enhancing drugs by indulging in a re-invigorating whiff of nasal spray. Aids, who had somehow been deemed sufficiently competent to be custodian of the short-cut map, was meantime pondering which way up it ought to be held, when the path suddenly emerged back onto the main track.

The flour led briefly east before lunging up into the steeply sloped wooded terrain. It was here that your modest scribe encountered a massive canine object lunging down on him at speed, and had to duck behind a convenient tree in order to avert Armageddon. Viewed from above however, Luna now seemed somewhat smaller as she greeted Sancha, her mistress. As we traversed a recently cleared and hence unrecognisable section of forestry above the ruins of Balgossie, said mistress explained to a still trembling scribe that whilst browsing for walking boots she unintentionally came upon the hash website and thought it would be a good means of exercising her Red Fox Labrador.

Keeping one another company as they frolicked through Standingstones Wood (now isolated from its eponymous neolithic construction by the AWPR) were Red Stripe, Mrs T, Skinny Witch and Clype – a Mearns visitor who, judging from her attire, had not yet clocked that the winter season is upon us.

Leaving the summit of Hill of Marcus behind, the trail now headed towards Tyrebagger Hill, squeezing in a sweetie check near to the forest perimeter track at the bottom of the slope. Little Shit delayed proceedings when he selected this as a setting for a photoshoot, then just as the FRBs were polishing off the last of the bon-bons a walkie talkie advance party in the form of Thrupennies, Sharnie, Aids and The Bitchhh turned up.

Climbing to the open summit of Tyrebagger Hill (250m) the hash gathered around the “The Tappie”, a cylindrical stone viewing tower built as a folly in the nineteenth century by then landowner Dr William Henderson. Mayhem ensued, as without the guiding presence of a hare the cream of Britain’s hashers were finding it difficult to break the check. Rumour has it that much of the credit for this fiasco lay at the feet of our worshipful Fireflaps, who initially provided incorrect intelligence after failing to check far enough.

From The Tappie it was downhill (obviously) skirting past Gueval Croft and then adjacent to the A96 to reach the mountain bike fun park, wherein awaited the pleasures of the beer check. Overcome at this prospect, Mrs T was seen to actually put in a sprint. Much quaffing latter and once back at Ballerina’s humongous Beer Van stocked with Not Dot’s hot revigorating glühwein, RA Aids called the circle to attention in order that retributions might be meted out to the following:

• Tick Bait was called out for complaining that as a consequence of everyone else spending too long at the beer check he had gotten cold and lonesome back at the OnInn. To offset his loneliness he was joined by other shivering short wearers – namely The Penguin, Barbarella, Little Shit, Fireflaps & Laurent (guest of Bungee Finger).

• Bag O’Bones for his unsolicited solo rendition of ‘Roll Back’.

• Muff Diver for his emergency communique with High Maintenance to ascertain the location of his misplaced gloves and poles (thoughtfully rescued from the beer check by Aids).

• Glasgow for an epic tale of lost handbags and forgotten phone numbers, culminating in missed trains and unsecured taxi rides.

• Sir Deadmund Hillary whose offering of discounted hash Christmas lunch tickets was interpretated as a scam.

• Sanchia for not quite being the virgin she claimed to be. As the privileged holder of a set of forestry keys she is aka The Gatekeeper.

• Shaky for his crowd control safety measures at The Tappie.

• One Liner for reaching a non-epic age milestone.

• Nummers and Bungee Finger for reasons uncertain (due to limited attention span and illegible writing), but might have involved frozen kangaroo’s testicles.

• Ten Brulee for allowing her gaze to be riveted upon athletic hashers instead of ‘friendly’ flour.

• Aids for his re-telling of the Fiddler’s Rally ‘Hickory Dickory Dock’ joke.

• Clype, Hazukashii and Sanchia as visitors.

• Wee Willie & Bungee Finger for an excellent and well laid trail.

A select gathering then proceeded to the Leys Hotel in Blackburn to partake of refreshments and convivial company.

**    yet another work of fiction by   JC

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run No: 2106

19th November 2023

On On: Kirkton of Skene

Hares: Ballerina and StonAa

Scribe: Pink Panther

Around 40 hashers gathered in the car park at Kirkton of Skene on a cool and drizzly day.  I forgot the age-old advice of keeping stum in the circle and ended up as scribe (thanks Aids).

One of our RAs, Twizzle awarded one of the Hares, StonAa, his 25th run T-shirt – slightly confusing as there was no mention of 25 runs on it.

It was a busy car park with us and the many church goers trying to find a car parking space – what a religious lot they are here! 

Ballerina warned us that the flour might be wet or even none existent, as it was laid the night before, but in the end there was plenty of it – even us SCBs/WalkieTalkies/Shuffle Alongs managed to spot the flour.

There were no maps for us but the hare promised that there was a short cut marked for the Walkie Talkies.

Off the pack headed down out of the village and then left through some stone gates, passing an old folk’s home, some hashers covertly checking out the layout and buildings for future reference.    It was a nice path through trees on a damp road, although everything was soaking after the interminable rain we’ve had recently.

Didn’t see much of the FRBs on the trail, out of sight/out of mind maybe?

The trail continued towards Westhill and then turned along the road to Peterculter and then into a muddy lane.  Then a right turn towards Loch of Skene.  “Aahhh!”, so we’re going on the usual route I thought, but no!….. It was not to be!

Still no sign of the FRBs.

The route got muddier and muddier as we trudged along wet paths.  We eventually crossed another road and then headed up through some woods and around an abandoned quarry.  And at last the FRBs were spotted – behind us!  How did that happen?  (good trail setting by the hares is how…).

On we trundled, towards the SWEETIE check and then fairly quickly, the BEER check. 

And then On Inn back to the slightly less busy carpark at Kirkton of Skene. 

We didn’t pass the Kirkton of Skene primary school where my old question to Ballerina is still unanswered – is the 10 foot fencing around the school playground to “keep the children IN or us OUT?”  Are they particularly wild children round here??

But one thing I did discover was that Tonto has been driving round the district visiting 25 primary schools in the region recently  – delivering potatoes evidently….why don’t they just go to Tesco’s?  😊

Circle

The Penguin – spotted with a can of Speckled Hen on top of his AH3 brolly.  Shades of Glasgow statues there….

DownDowns

•  Aids – awarded Flaps, Fifi, JC, Shaky and Cinders and himself for going to the theatre to see “Noises off”

• He then proceeded to re-tell Not Dot’s terrible joke about chicken pies – I will spare you and not repeat it!

• Injuries

  • • Wee Willie’s bashed head from colliding with the kitchen cooker hood

    • Biggles – continuing head wound

    • Fifi – telling about her caesarean – your scribe mis-heard and thought she was getting a DownDown for her sheep’s caesarean, however she was talking about the sheet put in front of her so she didn’t have to watch it.

• Shaky – awarded Aids for lack of his anatomy knowledge, something to do with quack??

• Twizzle – awarded Tonto, Barbarella and The Penguin for being too hungry to wait for the hares’ soups and guzzling bacon rolls in the circle (is nothing sacred?)

• JC – trying to get into the wrong car as he can’t tell the difference between grey and blue

• Prickly Bush – for her many falls on previous hashes – although not today thankfully!

• Olymprick – for being pissed in the Grill and taking a seat from a lady – so what’s new?

• Fire Flaps then awarded a down-down to Ballerina for “child abuse” in making his poor delicate, skinny son StonAa set a hash on an empty tummy.  Aaahhhh

• Ballerina – long story about buying trainers online, then awarded a Down-Down to new runner Bradly for new shoes – now named Pussy Foot

• Aids – awarded Ballerina and TBT for being on the pull

• New runners Leon and Bradly (aka Pussy Foot)

• Toy Boy Tom – awarded Cinders a Down-Down for being rejected for helping with the cable pulling at the Curling Championships as she was deemed to be too weak, being a woman?!! (really?) ……….and it’s not the case at all as she’s very strong, according to hubby!

• Hares Ballerina and StonAa for a great run

Then it was off to the pub for some very nice soup provided by the hares.

Great run!

Pink Panther

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2105,

Sunday 12 Nov 2023

Burnett Park Banchory

Hares Shaky and Premature

Scribe: Twizzle.

Sunday 12th November, I awoke that’s a good start to another day. No alarms or panic just a pain in my bladder reminding me that my warm modest slumber has come to an end at 08:00, luxury some might say, others would already be up and about engaged on feasting or chores, while some would return to those warm blankets for another hour. What troubles me today? An ominous prediction of something brewing, what more could go wrong I thought?

Positive thought, no need to have a drink and make more of an arse of myself then normal so I will drive the Sauchen team to today’s Hash. + karma, but that niggling feeling persists!

We arrived in reasonable time and joined the line up to pay our dues and as requested by Ballerina we quietly joined a circle of remembrance orated by T Rex Cock who spoke with awesome power and dignity the following words:

“In Flanders fields, the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row

That mark our place, and in the sky

The larks still bravely singing fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below

We are the dead, short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields, in Flanders fields

Take up our quarrel with the foe

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch be yours to hold it high

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields”

Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae

We then observed the two-minute silence, before commencing with the pre run circle, led by GM Shaky.

We were advised of upcoming events, the next being the 3rd Friday in the month pub social being Blackfriars at 7 pm.

A significant number of hashers seemed surprised despite it being mentioned in the committee MOM circulated to all! No new runners today with only Winger mentioned as a returner, there were a few other candidates I thought. Shaky advised the sad loss of Binliners wife, Rosemary. Cards of condolence cards were available for signature at the closing circle.

The GM then handed over to Aids who advised this week there were two auspicious awards.

·         1st up was 4 Fingers who received a nearly new 25-run T shirt. Honestly, only worn and washed once! 4 Fingers wearing and having been previously awarded a 50-run shirt, another cock up! I am sure that 25th run shirt never made next to the skin! Not surprising really, as it was -1oC.

·         Next up, it was One Liners turn to grace the circle for reaching 750 run and received a snazzy rugger shirt. Much to the Harriett’s satisfaction, he stripped off his many garments revealing his rippled torso, I thought he must work out a lot somehow or how does that legal work keeps your body so fit!

Down downs were duly given and consumed before Shaky was back in control. At this point everyone in the circle was desperately trying to be invisible, but now that sinking feeling came to me as I was handed the dreaded scribe report for today’s adventure: Hashers on ice.  

Not wishing to reveal myself as being an inadequate correspondent, compared to several previous submitted literary masterpieces maybe submitted for next year’s booker prize.  I thought I will just get on with it! Judgement will be mentioned at 2024 AGPU.

After a brief rambling description of the laid signage we set of through the park and into the woods 1st Check quickly broken by Tickbait of course and the front of the pack set of 500m later of course it was a back check! Caught a good 50%.  Back to the check now marked into the woods again split led to further lost part of trail hashers returning just as Little Sh*t was caught in having a nature moment.

Back on trail again and of course it was another false. Short cut back hearing to Oneliner “On On” calls now back on trail where did all the FRB go? Check again and 3 spots down to bottom of Corsee hill. No more flour so back up the hill still no flour so back down again. Still no F or back check, then of course FRB break trail at the top of hill, they took their time! So now it’s back up to the top for 2nd time am I stupid or what?

Seemed less and less with only a few of us behind the main pack somewhere else. Now on check 3 or 4 of course not really any marked checks either? What’s missing the hares of course?

Back on flour again and came to a “Y” we headed let to a false. SC across to other heading in direction of Oneliner calls he was waiting for Skinny Witch obviously banking some extra brownie points.

Prickly Bush now mothering the last runner remnants along> somewhere I met a new face Scrungebucket it was his 4th run. Never saw him again.

Continued along trail to next check this one marked and briefly ran with Bag’O’Bones still sprightly. Got caught and separated at a “T” junction not marked either up or down. Of course, I went up but no it was down! Reversed and then navigated the slippery stone steps down and into forest trail feeling very smug with myself over the steps. I promptly slipped over on a tree root. Nearly lost the scribe booklet but retrieved it from the thorn bush.

Trail led to a Wanker marked circle but to early to give up so continued along trial and flour led me into a Bog! Now pretty cool feet.

I saw flour on tree heading into the fallen forest missing the check on left so went down over the fallen trees, could find no flour. All the paths now seemed to lead to the recycling centre! So headed over there thinking I would catch the trail. Too obvious dumb arse me should have gone back instead, no flour at centre at all. So now made my way back to the fallen logs and found another path eventually leading to a forest road with back check and SC arrow back down the track I had just come up! Ok, got to where I was at least 30 mins ago and then found the check I missed. Of course, it was not marked so took the left trail it was false! Back to check and took the next trail eventually finding flour then a SC arrow. OK I thought this is good but managed to lose the SC path and ended up exiting the forest into a field with horses and a farm.

It soon became apparent that I was well off trail so again I back tracked finding a track leading in the right direction. After a while found further sporadic SC and then finally picked up trail to the Beer stop. I must have been the last in fortunately the pack was still there although several were leaving. Managed a quick AF from Shaky’s fridge backup stock and set off back down road with StonAa and Gimp With a Limp both of them recovering from hangovers, missing the gate direct from Shaky house smugly pointed out by JC into the forest track leading to the On In.

Eventually, got my legs moving again and managed to jog back to the circle. My thoughts of the run, overall top notch trail, difficult checks and clever link up of many sections of different woods, although I never met a hare or a walker on the trail. Well done hares!

Post Run circle Down Downs (With some superb song assistance by Fetus Envy)

• Fire Flaps: raised £200.00 with the crochet poppy sale.

• Fetus Envy: who thought that Johnny Walker Red Label was a superior whisky

• High Maintenance: caught stealing someone else pepper in the supermarket

• Sir Deadmund Hillary: confusing wind turbines for power with windmills for grinding

• Panty Pockets: Insistence on everyone following the map

• Bag’O’Bones: Attempted wife Uxocide

• Aids: Confusing Panty Pockets during Map reading

• Shaky: Checking Phone every 15 mins, insisting everyone knows about Shetland registration

• Shaky: for stealing Wee Willie for on Monday night

• Aids: for booking and cancelling Hash XMAS lunch and passing off as Cinders present despite her paying for it in the 1st place

• Muff Diver and Smiler: Having to call as last on trail

• 4 Fingers and Splash’n’Dash: Looking at Phone while RA

• Sir Deadmund Hillary: Being a Tennis groupie and capturing one of Judy Murray balls

• Shaky and Premature: Hares for the trail.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run No: 2104

5th November 2023

On On: Finzean

Hares: Tick Bait & Ding Dong

Scribe: The BitcHHH

Two new runners graced us with their presence on this beautiful day, both looking like they brought the average age down quite substantially, which is always a treat… Roger Doger found their way back just in time for Barabrella to receive a pre-run downdown for being a gayboy. In a world full of change, I am glad to see that some things haven’t.

Tick Bait and Ding Dong prepared us by talking us along on a vivid fairytale adventure that involved several grumpy farmers, some thick, some thin, and how they ended up having to seduce them in order for us all to gain access to the glorious run that it was… I tell you, whatever they had to do, it was worth it for me.

Wee Wille found a sign that he was rather amazed at – here it is:

Many things happened next to many runners, but alas no body told me about them, so I just kept walking down through private property… until something unprecedented happened, something I have only ever heard one other hasher say before in my years with the AH3: “I have never hashed these woods before!” – Fifi. Of course, this is time to celebrate, so she did.

My recollection of the order of events may be askew, but none the less they happened. I was sprinting by now, at the front of the pack, until Aids and I got to the sweety check, there were plenty of sweets – as if not all hashers had gotten there yet, but Aid’s was confused, due to his age, and despite us being quite certain that we had beat everyone there, we took the sweets with us, as we scurried towards a river, there was a bridge to cross. As fearless as he is, Aids went first, but slipped! Almost landing in the drink…

We then saw everyone and realised we had nicked the sweets, quickly ate a few more, and then took off on a long, short cut back to the beer check, which hasn’t happened yet.

Many runners arrived shortly after we got to the beer check, behind us yet again (I swear I don’t even remember why we call ourselves a running club). Then what they said next is what I had been fearing the whole time. The thick (not thin) farmer and son had been herding them like cattle for several miles, keeping them on the straight and narrow, using vehicles and blockades to ensure that there was no sheep shagging or other typical hash behaviour on route. Fortunately, no animals were harmed during the running of this run.

The shuffle back to the car caused no trouble, except for one lass; somehow Glasgow managed to get there 20 min late… I’m no longer sure about my above statement regarding animals.

Circle

Sir Deadmund Hillary turned 83, it was glorious, and we saw it happening right it front of us. We then sang him happy birthday and got on with the drinking:

DownDowns

• Glasgow – For the sacrilege (or applause) for putting Laphroaig in the pudding.

• All the Illuminator runners for racing and wearing their matching apparel.

• Gobshite and Barbarella for not shutting up.

• Underlay and Tonto for Right 2 Roam.

• Pool Noodle, The BitcHHH – foam sex?? This is one of those memory things again…

• Skippy, Barabarella and Aids for 3 sweeties?!

• Harlequine got some 401 praise!

• Kyle and the other Virgin got their first down down.

• And we can’t forget our Hares.

Then we went off and did something else…

Great run!

The BitcHHH

P.S. You are lucky there is anything on this page considering the notes.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run No. 2103

Sunday  29 October 2023

On On:  Seaton Park, Aberdeen

Hares:  Pink Panther, Bungee Finger and Mum Mum

Apologies for the late submission, please find my foggy recollection below:

It was blowing a hoolie but the promise of a bracing run to blow away the cobwebs led to the usual motley crew of hashers amassing, all ready and raring to go!

The Springboks had just won the Rugby World Cup so the pre run down down was grudgingly given to The Bitchhh for being the token South African.

We set off and Pink Panther directed us across the football field with the promise of finding flour at the far side!  On finding the pink stuff we followed it through the Walled Garden and up through a particularly prickly plot of rough ground behind the students old tennis courts.  The trail then went down, down and down.  Far, far below, we could see Bungee Finger who proceeded to encourage us to throw ourselves downwards towards him!  There was nothing for it but to skite down on our rear ends which provided lots of hilarity, some interesting photo opportunities and multiple skid marks!

Sweeping with the aid of his bicycle Bungee Finger kept one step ahead of the runners, giving nothing away, shadowing us as we did a tour of  Old Aberdeen, past St Machar Cathedral and onto the riverside path.  After a sneaky check at the Diamond Bridge, which caused some mayhem it was onto and over the Grandholm Bridge then back via a sweetie check to Balgownie Bridge

The beer check, on the banks of the River Don, afforded us front row seats to a local wildlife show with Sammy Seal playing the staring role.  A great end to a lovely run.

Many thanks to the Hares.

Post run down downs were duly awarded to

• Shaky - for crashing his hash mobile

• Ballerina - for running a No No

• Search Party – for not receiving a down down in a while

• The Bitchhh or Fetus Envy  - for partaking in a very (Apologies, poor scribing) expensive but needless taxi ride

• FiFi, Cinders – for stepping up and checking out a gin Tasting event

• Not Dot and Biggles - for crashing the said gin tasting event

• Aids and Shaky – for mismanagement of Facebook

• Tickbait   - for accidently completing the Illuminator 15 mile trail, instead of the 10k trail.

• Strachan junior – for being a virgin hasher running in full costume. Fur coat and nae knickers!

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2101,

Sunday 15 Oct 2023

Garlogie Wood

Hares JC and Fifi

Scribe: Short‘n’Thick.

The car park for this run was not exactly commodious, yet the hashers’ jalopies were squeezed in and along the verges at a cost of leaving only a small area for the gathering.  

Hash Cash Toy Boy Tom set up his makeshift stall on a fencing rail, next to a carrier bag full of dog shit. The pre-run circle framed the available space and Golden Shower was awarded a DD for having more birthday days than a reigning monarch. New or returned runner Rachel was welcomed, and then hare JC bamboozled the pack by describing special flour symbols which included a ladies’ check (female gender sign, a cross added to flour circle) and a fish check (sort of u-turn arrow and a number, indicating to wait for that number of hashers to arrive). There were also complicated (= more than one) instructions about how to find the checks for sweeties and beer.

Reeling from all these instructions, the pack eventually realised there was a trail to be followed and lethargically headed north into the woods.

The flour check circles were beautifully made. They were also very fresh which meant that the hares must have got out of bed at first pigeon fart. Tickbait’s sense of direction was playing up again at the first checkpoint, for he jumped into a ditch and was observed clinging like spiderman to the steep side. We greatly appreciated the combination of living artistry and futility.   

I sheepishly followed some others along a trail to a back-check, then back into the woods which led to JC’s first steeplechase challenge; a stream which had to be crossed by using a nailed-together timber bridge which would tip over sideways if body mass was very far off the centre. Something akin to what you’d see on television’s former Wipeout programme, or “It’s a Knockout” from the last century. Sharnie’s miss-placed foot showed that the tipping function worked really well and she got a good dunking. The milk of human kindness knew no limits as the nearby hashers laughed their socks off to try and raise her dampened spirits. But she needed no help; just re-surfaced, spat out some ingested pond life, and carried on without uttering a word of complaint. A hasher through and through!

Having seen what could happen at the dodgy bridge, the walkers staged a group refusal and Fifi used her local knowledge to lead her flock, which included Glasgow and Muff Diver, to a less challenging crossing point.

The next faller was Skinny Witch whose foot was grabbed by a mud monster causing a nasty landing on a tree stump. Fortunately it appeared to be no more damage than bruising and pride.

After another water crossing the trail continued at a T-junction where the hare re-appeared on an e-bike and made a male gender sign out of the flour circle to indicate left direction. I caught up with Rachel and enquired if she had a hash name; ‘Dribbles’, she said, on account of being the offspring of Golden Shower.

Then it was over the road and into woods at the south of Loch Skene. Further on, FRBs could be seen ahead after having turned left at a field corner; this was red rag to a Little Shit who, after a schoolboy-like furtive glance over the shoulder, legged it over the wire fence to take the shortest route. This led to a road which went past the loch’s outlet where the weir attracted happy snapper Barbarella and others. Dunecht Power scheme 1923 don’tcha know.

At the next checkpoint Underlay did a fine job of repairing the incorrectly kicked-through circle which had caused several hashers to go on a falsie, but the e-hare had already arrowed with new flour a few yards away.

Next, into woods over a wire fence which we held up to allow The Penguin to slither under. The hares had used plenty of flour on the trees and the sweetie stop must have been somewhere in this area, but your scribe learned of it only upon reaching the next road where the kind e-hare asked if sweeties had been found. We pressed on into more woods despite the severe sugar deficiency. After a very successful checkpoint which held up the FRBs, the next high point was the Whisky Mac stop at bent metal gates, and then to a road where we met the walkers.

It felt like reaching civilisation as the trail crossed a picturesque bridge and snaked past some estate houses, and then past an opened-up dam where JC the e-hare continued educating about the power generation system, Garlogie Hall, a carpet mill……  But more importantly, he’d brought the sweeties for those who’d missed them first time.

Back to the road and T-Rex Cock saw fit to dump his Whisky Mac ‘glass’ on the road. One-Liner picked it up so we couldn’t be accused of fly-tipping. Even more altruistically, Barbarella was picking up litter left by civilians and imparted the philosophy ‘..if everybody just picked up two items of litter….’. Then it was left into the woods again and to the beer stop which was indeed near a stream as the hare had described. With reference to the SNP conference taking place in Aberdeen, Golden Shower wisecracked about them going round town to sell autographed copies of a book called ‘Mein Kampervan’.

The home run was across the stream, some minor steeple-chasing, and meeting the squad trying to help find Skinny Witch’s lost ‘phone.

In the car park’s irregular polygon there were awards in addition to the down-downs.

Awards went to Sauerkraut (200 runs), Barbarella (500 runs), and T-Rex Cock (700 runs). The latter’s award was a bum bag which Smiler kindly helped to fit from the rear, but the task was too challenging with her arms being unable to secure the clip at the front. He could at least have breathed in.

Down-downs also went to:

·         Olympric, for devising the pub crawl route on Friday and staying in to watch Coronation Street.

·         Sharnie and Skinny Witch for falling, and JC for including man traps in the trail

·         Bag O’Bones for his birthday, and for trying to hide down the side of a van while wearing a high-visibility jacket.

·         Cannae Dea That for not paying run fees a couple of weeks ago

·         Panty Pockets, who should have gone to Specsavers after erroneously ticking off Numbskull’ name on the list instead of instead of Bag’O’Bones’.

·         Shaky, for giving Smiler the wrong email list. Although this was actually top-class mis-management

·         Numbskull, for allowing his dog Jura to batter against everything.

After the circle ended, The Penguin thought he could empty his bladder near the fence without being noticed while folk were carefully manoeuvring their vehicles back on the road.

Thanks to the Hares for a good trail, with a careful mix of steeple-chase obstacles and field-trip education.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

RUN 21

Sunday 08 October 202300

Scolty Car Park

Hares:- Struth , Ballerina, Stonah and Eveready

Scribe: Oneliner

Ah, 2100!  Is that about the number of metres of height required for a decent Alpine Ski Resort these days?  Or is it the number of times I decided to “pay for parking / not pay for parking/ do the right thing /aw fuckit no-ones coming out to check during a Monsoon”.

Well the monsoon reasoning ran out a comfortable winner, even though it wasn`t really a monsoon on the Sunday. That pleasure had apparently been reserved for the Hares about 20 hours earlier.

Still, only 24 stalwarts turned up for a mild dampening on the Sunday. And out of those, both Stonah and Eveready were excluded.  But no shame there, given that they had both perfected their freestyle and backstroke the day before in a gallant show of solidarity with Struth, who otherwise may have had to set the whole thing alone, against Amazon-like torrents for a couple of hours .

Stand-in GM, Twizzle called us to order a few minutes late, while we waited for the late arrivals to get on the scene. Principally, JM Gingivitis, who was steadily rowing up-stream and simultaneously texting reports of progress as 11a.m came and went. But Ding Dong was also in on the act. She tried to slide into the car park un- noticed by the slightly moistening crowd. However, that`s a difficult thing to do if your Polo is painted bright yellow. I`m impossibly jealous of that colour of car, of course!

Anyway … … Aids awarded the pre-run Down Down to Twizzle for some act of pre-run confusion which quite possibly centred around forgetting to appoint a scribe. Gingervitis soon sorted that out. She sorted me out too … … …

Ballerina, of course ever the gentleman, turned up both days to assist Struth. And assist he did, starting out by showing us all what to look out for on the trail. It resembled a white and cloudy sort of river. But since we were standing in a somewhat weakened imitation of the previous day, we were already getting wet, so we kinda got the gist, kinda quick.  Struth volunteered to look after the walkers, who were probably glad of any tips on the doggy paddle, as the main pack ploughed off through the waves.

The Penguin came prepared and ran with a brolly. Nevertheless, he was bettered in the equipment stakes by Numbskull, who was found wandering the policies with a solitary walking pole (no doubt pining for its dry partner) and a brolly, while bravely also clad in Jesus Sandals. I guess the water couldn`t get caught in those. And since he had no socks on either, they also weren’t going to get wet. No trench foot for Numbskull.  

Meantime, Ten Brulee set off at such a lick that I was sure she had volunteered for Ark building duties later in the day with the boy Noah. But as it turned out, she was just acting normally for a fast lady through the puddles.

Not so fast was Ding Dong, who at one point in the proceedings was allegedly dragged screaming from a Dr Foster sized pothole by Prickly Bush and Skinny Witch. Apparently, she wasn`t all the way up to her middle, but nevertheless it was probably handy enough to have 2 experienced mother hens nearby, just in case.

About that same time (somewhere in a burn which had started off the week as a simple path) we encountered JC single handedly “no-no-ing” against the torrent; - having failed to notice the large “W” still emblazoned on the foreshore at the very 1st check. Hot on his heels – well sort of – came Little Shit. JC continued with his singular quest to finish things in reverse. But Little Shit quickly realized that if he was about to have a happy ending with the pack, then he`d be better to about-face in order to stumble upon the beer again. So, this he jolly well did!

Eventually we exited the Forest trails for a canter along the banks of a very fast flowing and very brown River Dee.  It turned out to be nothing like as cold as it looked, for those intrepid few who ignored “Elf n Safety” and defied common sense with a little paddle at a fisherman`s entrance. “Ooo-er missus”. Titter ye not!   I was up to my knees. But I guess that for more average sized Hashers, that may only have been ankle deep.

The beer provided some welcome inner lubrication to match the outer slipperiness. But with only 23 on trail and JC flailing about somewhere in the distant waterways; for the first time in a while, there was noticeably more liquid than Hasher at the final check.

Virtually first there was Skinny Witch who was then rewarded with an FRB  Down-Down  back at the Circle for this splendid act of aqua- athleticism.

Aids also conferred beverage rewards upon: -

• Ding Dong – getting the “no bell” prize for striding into the deep.

• JC and Little Shit for their lost boys’ no-no act.

• Numbskull for turning up with an MOT failed brolly. The interior “starscape” lights had refused to ignite.  

• Gingervitis for her suped up Mary Poppins Umbrella, which opens and closes with a simple, but nevertheless impressive flourish of the wrists. Turns floppy to firm in an instant, apparently.

• Hippo, for asking for a hand with his floppy one.

• Roger Me More, for thinking she could find a lost earring at the bottom of the Scolty Ocean.

• Numskull was then summoned back into the centre by Hippo, who quite rightly didn`t want to let the rich man’s Crocs go unpunished. So, they didn’t.

• Back to Aids who had noted Fifi surreptitiously creeping in late to the car park around the same time as Ding Dong. Apparently it was all JC`s fault really.  But for failing to control him, Fifi had the drink anyway .

• Hares;- Struth and Ballerina for braving the storm on both days and setting a great trail anyway.

• And finally, Aids himself downed a suitable measure – just because it was still there!!

Splish Splash.

On On

OneLiner.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2099

Sunday 01 Oct 2023

Don View, Millstone Hill

Hares: Hippo & Mrs T

Scribe: Icebreaker

Background – Some may be aware that my previous scribing effort was nominated at the recent AGPU for 'Best Scribe'. Unfortunately that same effort was also nominated for 'Worst Scribe'... apparently 'verbosity outweighed the grammar and vocabulary'. So to continue the theme, this scribe shall be in two parts – version one to facilitate and edify the loquacity aficionados, and version two for the straight talkers.

Version 1

On a gloriously radiant Indian Summer Sunday, a fine pack assembled at Don View Forest, and was duly, if slightly hesitantly, called to circular order by our fresh out the wrapper GM, still honing his magisterial qualities into the required semblance of cat-herding. First order of business being an award to Cannae Dae That, proving he in fact can dae that, 'that' being the completion of 50 runs. Welcome to the yellow shirt club. A running achievement possibly only topped by the sheer speed with which Struth sprinted around the circumferential confines of the circle for an enhanced view of the traditional 'next to the skin' disrobement.

Honourable mentions then went to our GM Shaky and to Fifi for their horticultural prowess, providing apples and marrows respectively to the multitudes.

With a brief nod given to the unexpectedly clement weather of the day, apparently gifted in exchange for the ritual sacrifice of our own Twizzle, the RA called upon today's Hares, Hippo and Mrs T to lay the floury ground rules of the trail. Unfortunately a task made somewhat trickier by two impediments

–1) the aforementioned absence of the meteorologically sacrificial lamb Twizzle, he having laid many of the forthcoming backchecks without the vital information making its way to the Hares.

-2) an unexpected meeting this morning at which a local civilian informed Hare Hippo that a considerable early portion of the trail laid yesterday had actually, through no fault of the Hare, strayed on to a Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI).

Undaunted, the Hare deployed his own SSSI (Surreptitious Stealthy Shortcut Improvisation) to keep errant Hashers on the right side of the Science, With this warning ringing in our ears, the pack was dispatched with a directional elbow.

Fortunately for the Hares, their last-minute redirection mission was aided by a very early and sizeable back check sending the pack astray, giving time for a fine display of live haring to create the new science-friendly trail, to the GM's great relief, as the threat of having to compose grovelling letters of apology to the Sons of Aristotle was lifted. Not such good news for the pack however, was the trail appearing to consist of several miles of constant ascent. At this point, your scribe was reminded by Toy Boy Tom how essential it was that  the 'vomit joke' was included in the record, despite said gag(!) getting a mention on at least two previous occasions (scribae passim) – There were two vomits on a street corner - one became somewhat emotional and said “It’s where I was brought up”. Job done.

Then, with the live-hared section now complete, and all forbidden areas now safely out of SSSIght, the return to pre-laid trail rewarded the breathless pack with the unsettlingly impressive sight of what appeared to be an entire forest, felled, stripped and stacked as far as the eye could see. Running past the endless piles of fresh lumber proved to be so awe-inspiring, that the Hares had clearly felt that a return visit was in order, by means of a devilish back check. This reversal however, led to a long awaited downhill section, albeit somewhat short before reverting to type and sending the aching thigh muscles skyward once more. This return to ascent however turned out to be through a verdant lawn of fine sphagnum moss – leading to some discussion over the medicinal qualities of the vegetation, seemingly used as wartime dressings, due to its antibacterial nature.

Wary of straying too far back toward scientific interest, the pack headed gratefully downhill once more, to be met by a stripping Little Shit, not the only one starting to feel the effects of the unseasonably warm and moist conditions. A couple of cunning checks in rapid succession led to some minor confusion as shouts of “On On” were definitely heard, but from an indefinite direction. The direction was soon ascertained, predictably, to be 'up'. All ascentious effort was however well rewarded with breath-taking views of the river valley below.

So to another check which appeared to direct the more energetic (younger) hashers in yet another upward direction – the wiser (older) hashers foregoing the climb after witnessing the surprise* of the Hare when “On On” was called. Also of great assistance to the more judicious hasher was then hearing him remark that “Oh that might be the one that Twizzle forgot to put a backcheck on”... (*This subconsciously informative physiognomy would prove rather advantageous to the more observant (older) hashers throughout the trail, with some checks, and resulting “On On” calls appearing to be as much a surprise to the Hare as to the rest of us, possibly due to the absence of information from also absent backchecker extraordinaire Twizzle, or equally possibly Hare memory loss.)

Any joy felt at adroitly avoiding another ascent however was short-lived, as yet another ascent loomed but a few yards away. Thankfully, this mercifully brief climb then led to the welcome sight of the hallowed 'Circled S' of the sweetie stop. Numerous hungry hashers were dispatched to numerous thickets, however could find no trace of any concealed sweeties. Then, a discovery was made, of... another Circled S... But initial confusion gave way to relief, as order was quickly restored when the sought after sweeties were located and swiftly consumed, with only some minor complaining around the lack of bounty bars.

Sugar levels replenished, the pack gladly continued on trail, buoyed by the Hare's announcement that “it's mostly downhill from here”, as if any other direction were physically possible...

And down we went, through some excellent shiggy patches, surprisingly left unflung by the pack, maybe we're getting more sensible these days? (older). The highlight of this descendent shigfest was actually some overheard snippets of conversation between two unnamed Harriettes, who appeared to be discussing 'stroke rates' – with anything between 20 – 25 per minute, maintained for 20 minutes being considered impressive. I'll say. (while preserving anonymity for the sake of discretion, it should be noted that one of the Harriettes is a keen rower...)

And downhill we continued, plummeting to a new-found circle of hell - also known as a check – giving us a choice of continuing downward, or turning toward a modestly acclivous route. One bold hero (you can probably guess who) selected the latter, turned right and seconds later was a good 100 metres distant. Within those seconds however, the pack who had been so speedily left, concluded that left was right, that TickBait (for it was he) should not be left on the right, but should come back down to the left. So to keep everyone right, Tickbait was duly apprised that right was not right and he should re-join the pack on the left, for fear of being left. A few seconds later, our alacritous hero had re-joined the pack, passed the pack, and commenced guiding the pack down to the left. Until that tell-tale bemusement flitted once more across the visage of the Hare, to be followed by a further cry of On On. From the right. It appeared that right, was right after all. And Tickbait, now a further 100 metres to the left, was again recalled to the pack, and on back again to his original position. He was right all along.

But all lefts, rights and wrongs were swiftly forgotten by the gratifying arrival of the undoubted highlight of any trail, the enthralling enticement of the encompassed B. The sacred Beer Check. And what a check it was.

Our thirsts were quenched both literally, and visually, by beer and the mighty river itself, The Captain, the Boss, the Godfather of rivers. The Don. The temptation of the dappled watercourse, sparkling in the sun was too great for most, and the Don's offer could not be refused. Beers, softies, and the stunning views were all consumed by the grateful pack, along with the entertainment laid on the by joyful Hash Hounds making the most of the cooling waters. Virgin Hash Hound Rufus appeared to be having a most enjoyable time, although may not have fully grasped the complicated machinations of Pooh Sticks just yet. Tia maintained her customary decorum, naturally, and Boston was the Boston we know and love.

And so, the revived, restored, relaxed and refreshed Hashers reluctantly removed themselves from the revitalising riverbank, and returned, to re-circle.

Down Downs -

• Hippo – for the sweetie stop controversy, should two signs mean two stops?

• JetSlag – being overheard 'phoning a friend', saying “I'm on a hillwalk”...

• Cannae Dae That – for being naked (again?), at the Beer Stop, apparently emulating two cyclists seen in a state of undress in the river, prior to the majority of the pack's arrival

• Cannae Dae That again, for further Beer Stop transgressions, this time joined by Sir Deadmund, Bruce Almighty, Shaky, The Penguin, Numbskull, It's All Because, and Batty, all for appearing from disparate (possibly desperate) directions to the Beer Stop. Free Range Hashing, apparently.

• Glasgow – somehow acquiring an erection in the form of an errant iPhone

• Rufus – a virgin Hash Hound, via FireFlaps who assisted him with the required beer. He'll learn.

• Barbarella and Hippo – for attempts, both vain, and in vain, to improve their complexions with facial immersion in the river

• Muff Diver – enquiries were made as to a missing item of essential Hash Hound equipment, however there were no leads to be followed, with a bungee cord being the controversial replacement

• Bruce Almighty – a very Hashy Birthday!

• Skippy and the aptly-named GM Shaky – for enduring though not defeating the rude awakening of the morning after the night before - the wrath of grapes.

• GM Shaky again, this time while attempting to introduce a charge to the circle, only succeeded in introducing an unseemly amount of beer to the ground. After the requisite punishment, he somehow held it together enough to charge

• Ballerina – for abandoning Struth in favour of the ground via gravity, and a surprisingly small stick.

• Prickly Bush – for inexplicably declaring the controversial Sweetie Stop (see above) as the 'best ever'.

• And so to the Hares (Mrs T in abstentia) for an exemplary trail, applauded and lauded by all.

 Version 2

On a nice sunny day, the pack made a circle, and Cannae Dae That was awarded for 50 runs. Well done that Hasher.

GM Shaky and Fifi got a down down for growing things.

The Hares, Hippo and Mrs T gave the instructions, and we set off. Hippo had got into trouble earlier so had to change the trail a bit. There was a long back check, and then a really long bit of a hill.

2 vomits on a street corner - one says “It’s where I was brought up”

We then ran past a huge pile of logs, but it turned out to be a back check so we ran past them again.

Then we went downhill again for a bit, but then had to go back up again to a mossy bit.

Then down again. Little Shit took some of his clothes off.

We then had to go back uphill again for quite a bit, but the view was lovely so that was ok.

Then some people started running up another hill, but that was wrong so they came back down again. We still had to go up a bit more after that, but that got us to a Sweetie Stop, and we found the sweeties eventually. They were really good.

Then we got to go down the hill quite a lot, through quite a muddy bit, and two Harriettes said some things which someone thought were rude, but they weren't.

At the next check TickBait ran really fast one way, but was told to come back and go the other way, but then it turned out the first way was actually right after all. Poor TickBait.

Then we found the Beer Stop which was beside the river. Some of us got in the water, and it was lovely. The dogs really enjoyed it too.

Back to the circle for down downs –

• Hippo – about the sweeties

• JetSlag – saying 'hillwalk'

• Cannae Dae That - undressing

• Cannae Dae That, Sir Deadmund, Bruce Almighty, Shaky, The Penguin, Numbskull, It's All Because, and Batty – arriving at the beer from different directions

• Glasgow – her phone was sitting funny

• Rufus – new dog

• Barbarella and Hippo – washing their faces

• Muff Diver – not having a lead for Tia

• Bruce Almighty - a very Hashy Birthday!

• Skippy and GM Shaky – overhangs.

• GM Shaky – alcohol abuse

• Ballerina – falling over

• Prickly Bush – liking the Sweetie Stop

• The Hares, Hippo and Mrs T for a great trail.

On On!

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2098

24 Sep 2023

Hares - Dr Stalker and The Biiittchhhh 

Location - Riverside Drive, Bridge of Dee

Scribe: FireFlaps

Pre-trail - A glorious day to be alive, especially for Sir Deadmund who survived his battle with a feisty insect the day before (that's what you get on an inferior hash some might say). The Penguin also glad to be there albeit it without his bag (Nummers needed to 'evacuate' in Asda apparently) - so down-downs given to both in celebration. Beetroot and apples were distributed - along with a random bong (it's for charity...) Our new committee members were now out in force but obviously still learning the ropes so a scribe nearly went un-nominated. Turns out today was the day for showing zero respect to our esteemed ex-GM so Fireflaps got the job. 

Trail - It went left, it went right, it went straight ahead sometimes too. Apparently there were Back Checks and Falsies but scribe was too slow to see any of them. I did however get further than Shite Boyfriend who was reported by Short ‘n’ Thick to have taken the wrong turn within 30 seconds at the bridge (perhaps off for a curry as seems to be the norm these days). The sweetie check gave us copious 'brambles not blackberries' (knowledge courtesy of Prickly Bush) along with an almost view of a rotating train thingy. More hashers were missing by this point, preferring to head straight for the beer check (Struth, JC and our illustrious GM Shaky amongst them). Said beer check was a delight in the hares own beer garden with some fine alcoholic beverages that pertained to be healthy (if it's got sparkling water in it then it surely must be) - those ale drinkers can't get it their way all the time. 

Circle: Down downs came thick and fast (oo-er)

• Four dick heads were foolish enough to attempt The Beast - fortunately no one was hospitalised for a change (One Liner, Skinny Witch, Ice Breaker, Fireflaps)

• Fireflaps shockingly castigated for getting some use out of her second born by getting him to carry her sandbag as well as his own during said obstacle course.

• Fireflaps (yes - I know - utter shocking treatment of our eminent retired leader) for objecting to getting her boobs squished between a bunch of tyres

• Some ancient and un-cool hashers attempted to be 'in with the kids' by learning their lingo and having a gaff (Ice Breaker and Fireflaps)

• It was suggested that pissed behaviour at the AGPU is not necessarily compulsory which was news to Little Shit, Ice Breaker and Fireflaps (it's amazing I had time to write all of this down tbh) 

• In an unprecedented move from forcing beer down Fireflaps' neck the down downs moved on to other fitting recipients and Not Dot was brought in for observing gigs, plays, and tv shows with the constant query of 'Have I seen this before?'. Perhaps no one answered her the first time round.

• Another example of the ever increasing age of our hashers was the desperation of Shite Boyfriend when after queueing for three days for his new iphone he then had to wait for his daughter to be available to help him turn it on (Sir Deadmund admitting to similar)

• Sir Deadmund confirmed his plunge into senility by then being outed for talking to an air freshener in the hope that it might reply 

• JC was then, some might say aggressively, accused of penny pinching in his contributions to an On Inn for the kiltwalk - I'm sure he'll double it when he reads this. 

• Lost property was then displayed - the vast majority seemingly belonging to Ice Breaker whether he wanted it or not, a knife was wielded Sir Deadmunds way and no one seemed mad keen on claiming some rather boring looking plates (I suspect Knockburn may want them back though)

• Returners Coke and Scrunge Bucket were rewarded for braving AH3 again

• The Biiitchhh and Dr Stalker were then cruelly berated for a lack of ale at the beer stop (see previous comment regarding this)

• And a penultimate down down joke from Barbarella:

“How do you get the attention of a country girl?”

“A tractor”

(Thrupenny Bits joined also punished for finding this amusing) 

• And finally - the hares Dr Stalker and The Biiitttccchhhh. Well done! 

On on to the next one,

Fireflaps 

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2097

Sunday 17/09/23

AGPU

 Knockburn Loch

Hares – Little Shit & Sharnie

Scribe: Numbskull (with a b!)

Note to my dear readers. The following has been written down simply as an attempt to record the events of the day lest anything be forgotten. It is in no way intended to be taken nor construed as any suggestion of an entertaining epistle or anything of that sort. Read on – if you can manage.

Bus was nearly on time pulling into Drumoak, and it wasn’t raining, so I guess some kind of offering or sacrifice had been made to the hash gods. I headed for the back seats where a place was found for me amongst the usual tipsy reprobates (nothing so scathingly critical as a reformed alcoholic - eh?)

As the bus headed off to the great unknown, I was reminded that the days of the mighty empire of the Fireflaps GM dynasty were at last drawing to a close. For two long years we had endured the turmoil of the unknown run numbers, curious dates and confused locations. But no more, a new regime loomed, and what could be worse than before? – More of that later!

With a dying flourish of her former glory, the GM quickly appointed me scribe for the dubious honour of recording this momentous AGPU day out. For those of you reading this in future centuries, AGPU was the Annual General Piss-up, when we had a mystery A to B run and one drunken committee was replaced by another.

As the bus droned on through the wild lands south of Banchory, it became apparent that the hare (Little Shit) wasn’t too clued up on the location for the start of the run. After a couple of blind alleys and a U-turn, someone mentioned the Old Slug Road – ‘Old’? How many are there?

Finally disgorged ourselves at some desolate spot and circled up for the preliminaries. Someone asked the bus driver to cut the engine so as not to drown out the wise words of the GM and other soothsayers. Driver said he was going to find B and promptly fooked off with his bus. At this juncture, a distraught Barbarella was seen sprinting after the bus and trying to tell it not to leave yet. There then ensued some taut discussion about Doina not doing the run and ‘Sit in the car just now’. Not sure how that all panned out.

A few pre-run DDs were awarded to stretchers (they know who they are) and Biggles – something to do with seeing the film ’Barbie’ and Ken not having a willie.

Little Shit then demonstrated the run signs and explained that the flour dispenser container that he had used for the 40th year anniversary run was still not working very well. Also, that we should avoid crossing a field where the trail had been laid, ‘cause the farmer had since put up an electric fence around it. Note that the walkers’ route was measured at 1.4 miles and the runners’ 2.9 miles – must hold the record for shortest AGPU, or any run even. Only the GM measured the run as 8.4 miles (forgot to switch off the tracker, didn’t she). Nothing happed on the run and the beer check turned out to be at B with the bus.

Lordy, I’m bored to bits writing this stuff – feel sorry for you guys that might be reading it.

Finally at the Knockburn Loch hall, where a comfortable couch beckoned and Prickly Bush was cutting cucumbers.

RA Aids started off the seemingly never-ending series of DDs. In rough order of delivery

·        Barbarella and Mad Cyclist for doing silly things on the bus

·        The Penguin for removing shit from one shoe by stepping on it with the other

·        Easy stepping around a barbed wire fence missed by The Penguin and Ten Bruléé.

RA Twizzle carried on with more DDs (yawn)

·        JC, Hippo, Twizzle for the pre-run stretches

·        Doina and Barbarella for the bus chasing episode (apparently Barbarella’s fault)

·        Prickly Bush for also climbing over 10ft barbed wire

·        Eveready for finding a shallow dip ’like a chasm’

·        For having ticks at the end of the run (they checked themselves all over)

·         Get a Room

·         FiFi

·         4 Fingers

·         Search Party

·         Struth

·         Tick Bait (yes really).

Twizzle then had a rant about the AGPU list and why couldn’t people be clear about coming or not.

• DD to Little Shit and Mike the bus driver for talking

• Glasgow for writing ‘AODA’ (seems she was trying to do AIDS)

• AIDS for being written ‘AODA’.

RA Hippo attempted to break the monotony with more DDs

• Twizzle for being on computer day and night ‘cause AIDS not supposed to be coming

• Little Shit took DD for Sharnie for dropping litter (she off home for a sulk).

Yawn – Sir Deadmund then did a Horrible History (verbatim) – yawn.

Do you want to know the historical significance of AGPU 2023? (not many) What year, do you think, is the lightweight construction material used in schools came crumbing down? called RAAC (Reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete)

Where are they going to get rid of all the rotten cement? X 2 In Cement– aries

 In 2023 who led a mutiny against Vladimir Putin?  If-gen-he Pri-goz-hin

President Biden recommended that he kept away from windows. 

He forgot to include airplane windows.

In 2023 who got into trouble with a Spanish kiss?

Spanish football president (Luis Rubiales) and Jenni Hermoso

The new ladies team motto is - 

Stop snogging Score goals. 

So, when discussing AGPU 2023 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention it was on this very hash the Spanish kiss became scandalous.

Toy Boy Tom was dragged out to give the answers – result not known

• DD to Sir Deadmund for the above rubbish.

RA Aids up for yet another DD session

• Little Shit for not knowing difference between the several Slug roads.

Aids then had some story about the food arrangements.

• Hippo for very complicated instructions about putting stuff in correct bins (fat chance)

• The Bitchhh for already using wrong bin.

RA Twizzle – endless DDs!

• Who has damaged furniture?

• • TBT

  • Tick Bait

  • Hippo

  • Bruce Almighty

• Aids for being the culprit (strains of ‘Who ate all the pies?’)

• Bag o’ Bones for joke in last scribe (2 vomits on street corner -  one says “It’s where I was brought up” (that’s a sick joke, btw).

One Liner then took the stand and delivered an entertaining monologue about the year and the outgoing committee. The following is my un-entertaining version of his hand written notes. 

An election! With no gender bias, and all shit. No Julian Clary, no Muffie ‘cause One Liner’s inquiries to the GM, RA etc went unanswered.

In no particular order (One Liner’s notes got shuffled) the outgoing committee were praised to the hilt (where appropriate)

• The GM (Fireflaps) - can’t sing, can’t dance, walks like Rihanna

• JM (no not The Bitchhh, Zak) - only likes to bring Stalker to the party

• On Sec (Little Shit) - more diplomacy than the entire Foreign and Commonwealth office staff. Little Shit records in print what is needed. Call someone a c**t, he will delete it or amend it to Hindi instead. Unfortunately, c**t in Hindi same – but he does try

• RA (Twizzle) - took me to ?? this year. God, Allah, Shiva. Does tell a good story

• RA (Aids) - everyone’s favourite uncle with a ready supply of cooking apples and frankly enormous marrow

• Hash Beer (Ballerina and Hippo) - more lubrication than Castrol and KY jelly Every hasher’s favourite committee member. Helps if you have a big one (car boot?)

• Hash Cash (Glasgow) - Cults answer to Ursula von der Leyen/ Your Euros are safe in Glasgow’s bank. Especially means beer is already free?

• Song Meister (Bag ‘o Bones) - sings like Barbra Streisand and moves like Mick Jagger

• Head Hare (Panty Pockets) - all about keeping us honest. We all have to do our bit and she can make you think you actually volunteered. If we all set one hash per year head hare would be redundant – but apparently doesn’t work like that

• Social Sex (Red Stripe and Ice Breaker) – this pair have more ups and downs than a bouncy castle, more falling outs and falling ins than Oasis but, mon dieu, they have entertained

• Haberdasher (Underlay) – makes sure our shirts are sexier than we are. Carry our Condoms or Balance our beer

The old committee were then invited to fook off. The outgoing GM insisted on making a speech – something about being in awe of those who had made it all happen for the last two years.

A new committee was then elected (by the ancient practice)

• GM – Shaky

• JMs – Gingervitis, Ten Bruléé

• RAs – Aids, Twizzle

• On Sec – Little Shit

• Social Sex – Eveready

• Head Hare – Tick Bait, Skippy

• Haberdasher – Underlay

• Hash Beer – Hippo, Ballerina (Numbskull back-up except in winter)

• Hash Cash – Toy Boy Tom (plus army of cashiers)

The new GM (Shaky) then made an introductory speech thanking the master of Ceremonies, the cook and all the organisers. DDs to

• One Liner

• Weasel Arse

• Twizzle

• Hippo (with one for Ballerina)

• Red Stipe (in absentia)

• Mrs T

Then something to do with puddings. They were all winners (or runners ups). DDs to

• Hippo

• Prickly Bush

• Doina

• Eveready

• Mario Chuff

• Dr Stalker (x2)

• Ten Bruléé

• Wiener Mario(?)

Then (yawn) awards of the year (yawn), DDs all over the place – see below.

Final DDs

• Shaky gave a DD to Hippo 

• DD to Shaky for RA abuse

• Numbskull for scribe.

And finally, to my dear readers who read this far  - Ho! Ho! Ho!

………. ‘and so to bed’.

Aberdeen Hash House Harrier

Run No. 2095

Mon 04 Sept 2023

OnOn: Milton of Crathes - 4 September 2023

Hares: Prickly Bush & Shiggy Dick

Scribe: Express Chicken

The nights were fair drawin’ in. Nevertheless, 47 hashers turned up at Crathes on a glorious evening which, at 20°C, was possibly one of the hottest we’d had all summer. Lots of bare legs bore witness to this climatic abhorration.

GM, Fire Flaps, ushered us into a circle and some precious metalware was awarded to Not Dot and Golden Shower, for amassing 250 runs and 300 runs respectively. No stripping was required - which was a bit of a shame since it was one of those rare evenings, perfectly conducive for baring skin.

Fire Flaps also issued a stern reminder to anyone, not yet registered for AGPU, that there were only six spaces left. Glasgow goes on holiday on Thursday, thus ending her Hash Cash role, so registration and payment should be submitted before then.

Nominations for best run, worst run etc., should be sent to Twizzle……

…. and a warm invitation, for anyone who wants to be on the committee, to speak up.

Bin Liner was welcomed back to the hash after his hearty interlude. He was earmarked as scribe but public opinion prevailed and he was released from such an onerous task on medical grounds. My usual ploy of gazing into the middle distance didn’t work and I was swiftly provided with half a badly-ripped and disintegrating jotter, along with a pen which was, miraculously, still functional.

Prickly Bush talked us through the route markings. Usual stuff (three dots and you’re on, etc.) but she was being very economical with the flour. We were warned of a hazard, marked by many dots, in the form of a rickety bridge, overgrown with vegetation, which offered great potential for putting a foot between the planks. Beware!

Off we set, into Crathes Castle Estate, to follow the trail.

There was a lot of scampering around woodland, with checks in quick succession. We crossed several nice, little wooden bridges, maintained by those wonderful NTS volunteers. Few folk appeared eager to investigate the routes, the majority were more than happy to enjoy the still and sultry evening by chatting at the checks. Thus leaving the avid pathfinders: Tickbait, Underlay, Barbarella and a few others, to do the running around. Barbarella managed to entice a fair few to the back check by creative voice dynamics; saying back very quietly and then check with an added “ing” - indicating that he was still checking, rather than revealing he’d arrived at a back check. You’ve got to watch people like that.

There were some very gallant gestures. Little Shit offered to help people over ditches and some very patient gentlemen held fence wire ajar for ……. well …….. the entire pack to pass through.

The Sweetie Stop held appeal for everyone since it contained vegan options, as well as the usual, chocolatey favourites, by now semi-melted.

We passed through a smelly area. Hippo and Twizzle suggested fungus as the cause, but I wasn’t convinced. There certainly were a lot of boletes making an appearance, and the odd Chanterelle, but mushrooms don’t actually smelt that putrid. In fact Durexcel even collected his supper en route - which looked suspiciously like a Brown Birch Bolete, with masses of dark scales on its stipe - not one I’d choose to put in the pot - but each to their own.

I was likened to a traffic warden as I hung around in my yellow T-shirt clutching a notebook.

Eventually we came out onto a wee road. The same one that I’d driven along earlier marvelling at the survival of the peacocks that live at that corner house and frequently stray onto the road. I inch along that stretch with utmost care because those damned birds are nearly always strutting across it. Invariably, someone in a big, fast car comes haring along in the opposite direction completely oblivious of their presence. I wonder how many peacocks have met their grizzly end at that location? Talking of grizzly ends, there is, what looks like an upside down boat opposite the peacock’s house. It is, in fact, Baldarroch Chapel & Crematorium. Book early to avoid disappointment.

On we continued, across the busy A93 and into the pastoral bliss of the new and expanding Green Banks development at Crathes. We certainly shattered the peace by running up and down the main road searching for hidden flour. Bemused householders dived for cover as the human rampage continued with no obvious dots appearing. Eventually the trail was discovered, leading down to the River Dee and the glorious, and very welcome, Beer Stop. On the way down I noticed another smell; that of germolene, which was probably from Meadowsweet which was growing along the path.

It was a very pleasant and scenic end to a glorious run. We went from there, further along the path, over a gate and into small corner of woodland where mounds of grass cuttings were piled, festering. Yuk, that was the horrid smell again, but on this occasion, the cause was evident; piles of cut grass. I suspect that was the same reason for the earlier smell; dumped grass cuttings. Better, surely, to leave cut grass on the ground to decompose aerobically and nourish the soil.

Back at the cars, it was beginning to get dark. Sir Deadmund and Glasgow made a hasty exit as Glasgow sustained a nasty knee injury. Everyone else murked around in semi-darkness wondering who, if anyone, had brought the beer.

When the beer started flowing a circle was formed.

T Rex Cock was awarded a capacious slim-fit, white T-shirt, which I believe replaced a previous ill-fitting one.

Down downs were awarded for many things, most lacking clarity or reason. They might have included:

•   Sauerkraut for tripping over a twig

•   Twizzle for tripping over an aptly named trip-wire

•   T Rex Cock for being a high hurdle champion in a past life

•   Barbarella & Tickbait for racist behaviour

•   Bin Liner for resisting a Zombie attack and coming back from the dead

•   Shaky for losing and finding spectacles

•   Threesome for swanning in from Rio as a returner

•   William - a visitor from Nederland, who couldn’t remember his hash handle but had hashed in various locations, including Brunei, sometime in the last millennium, and in Damascus, some time after that

Prickly Bush and Shiggy Dick were thanked profusely for setting such an enjoyable run.

Next week’s hash - which Red Stripe will forgo by attending a motorbike rally in Skye - is at Brathens. It’s the last Monday hash of the season. Bring head torch and wear bright clothing.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

OnOn Scolty Hill, Blackhall Forest, near Banchory

OnInn Burnett Arms, Banchory

Hares Wee Willie, Bungee Finger & Chloe

Scribe: Hillary

Stats: 3rd hare wasn’t not eligible for free run.

47 runners, 4 dogs, 3 hares, 3 bikes and no prams.

A card was signed by all for Binliner, who is recovering from a heart attack.  The pack wish him a speedy recovery.

Parking at the carpark cost a nifty £2.50, but Underlay just winked and said, "Pay? Not at Scolty! I’ve never paid here!"

As the parking tickets are for a full day, we found a free one, on the machine, handed back by a kind dog walker.

Pre-run charge went to:

• Whinger who attended as a long-time returner.  Said he had to cum, as the OnOn was close to his pad in Banchory.  One hasher pointed out that we have done several runs from Scolty since we last saw him. 

• Smiler's long absence also nearly gave her a returner’s drink.  She was there as she couldn’t miss an opportunity to hand out NEOS catalogues.

• Bruce Almighty got the pre-run down-down for getting incredibly drunk at the MH4 AGM at White Trash’s house.

• Glasgow received a shiny pewter tankard, a cool award for running with AH3 250 times!

• Tickbait made a new runner Vivian Bisset cum!

We set off in the direction of General Burnett’s Monument (tower) but none of the routes went there.  The flour (is your friend) was slightly pink as Bungee had asked Pink Panther for a top up.

At Scolty Hill's shoulder, the run split into two: walkers and runners.

Glasgow and Jetslag decided they were walkers but opted to do the runner’s route to get the scenic views.  This meant they missed the sweetie and beer checks, arrived back after the closing circle had finished when it had gone dark.

The hares provided a fantastic sweetie stop for the runners but not for the walkers.

The hash ran past the tower on top of the Hill of Goauch and ended up returning on the Deeside Way.  There was diversion, deep in the Blackhall Forest, to find the beer check.

Charges:

• The hares for not providing sweeties for the walkers.

• Underlay for using Strava to record his walks.  His Strava challenge this month is to walk 100 miles.  To achieve this, he wears it at work!

• T-Rex Cock for being an FRB (Front Running Bastard)

• JC for being confused by a back check and delaying the pack.

• Search party, Little Shit, Raquet Boy and Barbarella for being the Fall Guys.

• Biggles for nearly knocking Hippo over and breaking his other shoulder.

• Shaky for starting a rendition of the Beatle classic “Yesterday”.

• Muff Diver for leaving a restaurant without paying for a gin and a beer.

• Vivian for losing her hashing virginity

• Chugga Lugga (aka Gregor Stolte) for moving to the Netherlands.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2092

Mon 14 Aug 2023

Beech Bullyvard 

Hare: Smurf

Scribe: Muff Diver

Disclaimer: any attempt by anyone to edit this scribe will be met with a swift kick in the arse! 

A run where there was NO Flour, NO Crabbies Ginger Ale and PLENTY Courgette posturing. 

The circle was called and The Bitchhh leapt over women and children to grab the free Mijas 2000th socks carefully carried back from Spain years ago by me but never worn. I have taste. 

The Smurf house on wheels had broken down so there was no flour. Make sense to anyone? Not me. Maybe the flour had been used to fill up the holes in the bodywork. That must be it. 

So a treasure hunt with clues was the format of the run and the treasure to be found was big bunnies. There were plenty scattered all over Aberdeen. 

3 ham shanks arrived from Pennsylvania and were introduced. 

Aids and JC then brandished their best Courgettes, jockeying for position. JC had the bigger ones with better length and girth, “ooh er missus”.

We then judged their best Courgette jokes.

Aids: What’s green and walks through walls? Casper the friendly Courgette 

JC: What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? It depends where you put the Courgette

JC was wearing fluffy bunny ears but they were drooping , a sure case for viagra. Underlay has a good supply so Roger me Moore hinted.

The starting gun was fired and we were off!

100 metres later we congregated for a team hashy photo with the first bunny. 

DFDS got lost trying to find the beach and met us at bunny number 2. 

We saw lots of bunny’s scattered throughout Aberdeen. Castlegate, Union Square, Marischal College, the new park beside His Majesty’s nobody ever goes to (not my king!) and Pittodrie amongst others. 

The FRB’s all went down the children’s slide. Muff Diver was keen but his bike wouldn’t fit.

A fine sweetie check with wine gums and chocolatey snacks. A well timed beer stop with a Tangerine IPA (very nice Muffy told me). Still no bloody Crabbies.

Its All Because was “Hopping” along because he refused to wear his big special slipper.

Back at Mission Control, the down downs were awarded for:

• Gingivitis was given a lovely birthday cake adorned with 21 Courgettes.

• Little Shit and Sharnie were wearing identical bunny t shirts.

• Voyeur T-Rex Hen was seen taking photos from a high vantage point. Can we see them please?

• There was a Virgin (Gina?) brought along by Tick Bait.

• Toy Boy Tom for insisting on getting his photo taken at every bunny while sitting on any available Harriett, there are plenty photos on WhatsApp to back this wild claim up.

• A second down down for Toy Boy Tom for attending the Irish Nash Hash while wearing an Orange T shirt. In the words of Captain Mainwaring, “you stupid boy”.

• Twizzle and Tick Bait for racing up the final hill. Twizzle was a real gentleman and let Tick Bait win. 

Then there was an impromptu Bunny sprint competition which was won by Shaky. I noticed the video was posted online this morning and I gave it the full VAR treatment. Yes, I can confirm that Shaky was the only one actually trying.

Chugga Lugga the beer maker was named and christened in the usual manner. 

A hashy banquet then ensued comprising of Courgettes, Sushi, Pies, Cakes and a lovely assortment of Asda’s finest. There was some home made stuff too. You could tell it was homemade because it was all a bit squint and wrapped in tinfoil. Tasted great though. 

By this time others were desperate to tell their inappropriate jokes.

Fireflaps. “A Courgette, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The courgette says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”

Golden Shower. “A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a courgette.  What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like courgette!"

T- Rex Cock. I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?” He replied “As busy as a courgette in a women’s prison”!

Rats. Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of courgette on her eyes.

I wonder where the rest of the courgette is.

And finally, 

One Liner. A man sees his wife taking a courgette from the fridge. Being the gentleman that he is he offers to slice it up for her. She turns to him with a look of disgust on her face and says, 'what do you think I am, a slot machine?'

As per usual, none of Canna Dae That’s jokes were funny enough to be included.

OnOn , Muff Diver. Well you didn’t really think High Maintenance was going to write it did you?  

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2091

Mon 7th Aug 2023

OnOn: Banchory

Hare: Shaky

Scribe: Premature

44 Hashers met on Burn’O’Bennie RD in Banchory on what threatened to be a sodden Monday evening, but turned out to be miraculously dry.  

Among us were visitors from across the world -Nha Trang, Hong Kong and Manikin Piss hashes. Pre Run down downs were awarded to:

·         Bag’O’Bones for 150 runs who needed assistance from Twizzle to get his shirt skin on skin and to;

·         Underlay for thinking Aides was 80.

Before setting off the pack was advised to look out for a trail lain with flour, sawdust and chalk and JC warned not to blow his horn in the fields unless he could outrun the livestock.

“On On” was called and the pack was quickly thwarted by the first check point before hitting the river and having a stunning waterside trot to where we joined the railway. Or not.

Another check point and the FRB were brought back to the rest of the pack to cross the road and enter the woods.

The sweetie check revived us to run across the rugby pitches and uphill past the veggie patches which were in full bloom. Some more flour following through the woods brought us to the beer stop and a chance to play fetch with the dogs. Willow was not allowed to chase the sticks due to broken teeth, so Barbarella stood in and retrieved them.

On route back to the cars, those that know the area commented on how much housing development had taken place, even covering parts that past trails had been set.

In the circle post run down downs were awarded:

• Biggles for spotting some flour and promptly face planting.

• Glasgow for trying a award AH3’s Pink Panther a down down (though I missed what this was for) only to discover she had gone home and it was our visiting Pink Panther that was still with us.

• Numbskull for eating some special brownies and feeling a little queer on a night out.

Several were awarded for antics at Aides birthday night-

• The Bitchhh and Stalker for their dance skills,

• Aides himself for losing the birthday card and

• Barbarella for being a reformed character and not taking photos, so took an action shot selfie of his down down.

• Twizzle who had his first day back at work in 3 years, attracted by the 4 day week and additional pension.

• Our visitors from Hong Kong, Vietnam and Brussels- Pink Panther, Charlotte, Scrunge Bucket and Sugar Tits. Hope you enjoyed yourselves!

• Our returner Privet.

Thanks to the Hare Shaky for setting an excellent trail at short notice

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2090

Mon 31 Jul 2023

Kemnay

Hares: Sharnie & Little Shit

Scribe: Mario's Chuff

The monsoon season had come to the North East of Scotland for a rainier run than Struth could remember in all her years of hashing. “This is exactly what hashing is all about”, remarked Twizzle: “getting down and dirty and wet” – and sometimes we do some running too!

The pack assembled in a puddle-filled car park in Kemnay, showcasing the best of the summer Scottish weather. Only the bravest, most committed or (probably more likely) most foolhardy hashers turned up, with the rest put off by the weather, school holidays, or possibly fear of the cunning trail set by hares Little Shit and Sharnie.

There was a pre-run down-down but alas I was absorbed in organising my pen and paper and missed it.

The pack set off with the crystal-clear instructions that an “L” on the ground meant both “Long” and “Little” (and an “S” was both “Short” and Shit”). Despite all my efforts to be a FRB and get back to the dry cars as soon as possible, myself and Underlay were plagued by constant, hilly back checks and mostly stayed amongst the small knot of runners. We weren’t alone on our detours, meeting up with a remarkably bedraggled Tonto and JC as they trudged back to the trail having followed a particularly lengthy and fiendish back-check. The route took us among the woods and had us crashing through ferns and across fields, and would have been delightful on a nicer day.

Somehow all of the hashers rendezvoused at the combined beer/sweetie stop, feeling like they’d participated in a full-on swim stop along the way. Much to the dismay of the pack, JC’s “horn of doom” (as christened by Shaky) was found to be bent and broken and full of mud – an incident which apparently involved JC ‘going down on’ Hippo and ‘giving him the horn’, but I shall spare the details for the sake of our younger or more faint-of-heart readers. It was noted that Mrs T was attired as per a world war 1 trench veteran, or possibly a hobbit on the way to Mordor, and so wasn’t troubled by the conditions one bit.

Back at the circle the beleaguered hashers were treated to pastries and tea by the generous Ballerina, before Twizzle stood on an island amongst a lake of water to administer the down-downs:

•     The Penguin for reaching a truly astonishing total of 3336 runs

•     The Penguin and Fifi for ‘running’ with umbrellas

•     T-Rex Cock for showing his flesh, almost making an admiring female driver crash her car (I was told by the down-ee not to record the hasher’s song of “here’s to the moobs”)

•     Twizzle and Shaky for not organising the weather properly; and

•     The Penguin (again!) for a belated hashy birthday

We were also treated to a lovely birthday cake, not for The Penguin but someone almost as important – the father of hashing, Albert Stephen Ignatius Gispert ("G"). Born on 31/07/1903, he set up the first hash house harriers group in Kuala Lumpur, Malaya in 1938. An honestly fascinating tale which The Penguin recites very well and that I would encourage all hashers to find out about.

It’sa me! Su su!

Mario’s chuff

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2089

Brimmond full of hashers over 45

Hares: Aids and Cinders

Brimmond Hill

24th August 2023

Scribe: Not Dot

I was handed the scribe equipment with the additional request from Cinders to write poetry…..best I can do is provide a few appropriate(d) song lyrics to describe this hash, so here goes:

Brimmond full of hashers over 45

Brimmond full of hashers over 45

Everybody needs a dachsund for a pillow

Everybody needs a dachsund

Great views

I can see clearly now the rain has gone…

Nearly falls

Jumpin rocks in the warm sun

I fought the gorse and the gorse won…

Happy walkers

4 craws sat upon a wa’, sat upon a wa’

Sat upon a wa’ a a a

4 craws sat upon a wa’

On a cold and sunny evening

The fifth craw wasnae there at a’

Birthdays

Today is your birthday

Happy birthday to you

We circled up amongst muggle cars, double parking and double storey parking as usual, but without Toy Boy Tom and Olymprick to act as car park attendants.

The many walkers (did we outnumber the runners?) hung around for maps which had been meticulously prepared by Aids, then meticulously ignored them to follow Fifi and Thrupenny Bits as usual.

Well it was a hill. Were we going up?- silly question. Yes of course we were, buy we went round and round the ragged rock first, and after. Like our haggis friends, to have one leg shorter than the other would have been useful as we trudged/ stumbled/ ran through the gorse in single file, tripping over rocks and stumbling down rabbit holes like Alice in Wonderland (Red Stripe), and being attacked by gorse (Twizzle).

JC managed to find the first back check very early, much to the annoyance of the cunning hare Cinders.

Barbarella and Thrupenny Bits were heard having a very deep and meaningful discussion about the denier of tights.

By some very clever timing of flour laying by the hares, a figure of eight trail was successfully negotiated, and nobody got lost but………Hippo led Struth and Shaky astray along a falsie to the other car park. Shaky eventually made it to the beer check, giving Struth a jolly good listening to. Twizzle also arrived at the beer check late, and from a totally wrong direction, complete with bloodied leg.

And the down downs went to:

• Jetslag, Hippo and Its All Because (Les Invalides)

• All Yorkshiremen, to a round of Ilkley Moor by Tat- Ballerina, Hippo, StoneAa, Premature.

• Those wearing shorts despite clear warning of prickly bushes, ferns, ticks, thorns etc- Twizzle, Tonto, Little Shit, StoneAa, Sam, T-Rex Cock, Barbarella, and of course Prickly Bush as a cameo appearance.

• When shall these 3 meet again?- trio of walkers hubble bubbling – High Maintenance, Jetslag and Pink Panther

• Cieran, chief hanger back runner, for waiting to see where the walkers went before setting off. SCB of SCB’s!!

• Premature for something very made up which escapes me

• Drillbit for losing two car keys and a door key two weeks ago in Tonto and Egg Foo’s car park, and not realising until 3 days later

• Jetslag for her fall 2 weeks ago, when she rudely missed her down down due to being at A&E. Quote of the week to Twizzle as he handed her a beer: ‘You don’t have a soft one do you?’

• Ballerina found a shoe, a golden slipper, and circled the pack looking for his princess- look behind you, she’s behind you, oh yes she is….. Red Stripe squashed her clodhopper into the slipper, and they all lived happily ever after.

Instead of a wedding cake, we had birthday cake courtesy of Batty and It’s All Because.. Both 70 last week.

Reminders for nominations for AGPU.

Request  for hares for 7th August and 28th August.

And the hares, and the hares……..well done Cinders and Aids!

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run #2088

Monday 17th July 2023

Stonehaven,

Hare: Fire Flaps

Scribe: Gingervitis

You turn in one late assignment and the punishment is more work!  This just does not seem fair, I’m on my summer holiday, I shouldn’t be writing or working at all!  Way to pick on a fellow teacher Fire Flaps.  Well you know what, I’m going to show you by turning this assignment in early instead of months late, so there, that’ll show you.  Oh wait….. Ah well, on to the hash.

We all turned up to Stonehaven filling up the car park right in the middle of town.  This was of course following a tense debate on the hash Whatsapp as to whether or not we needed to pay (the conclusion was no, so cheers to that).

Our GM Fire Flaps was pulling double duty as the Hare and GM, which seems to have caused her to forget the start time, calling us to order early.  Then she chose to appoint me, Gingervitis, as the scribe because apparently I’m doing “fuck-all” on my summer holiday.  Not true, by the way, I’m very busy with having a lie in and catching up on Netflix.

Returner Dive Bomber, who has been missing for the past 10 years apparently was brought into the circle to welcome him.  Aids also had an award to hand out, The Dutchess was awarded her 150 award shirt, which according to Aids only took her 33 years give or take.  StonAa stepped in to announce that he is raising money for his Coast to Coast cycle and would be providing snacks and treats after the run.  On to the Hare, Fire Flaps popped back into the circle to inform us there would in fact be both back checks and falsies as well as a sweetie stop and beer stop.  3 spots and you’re on, On On!

After a strong start the runners came to the first check point only to all stand around and do nothing.  So Fire Flaps and Ballerina decided to send StonAa up the hill to find the back check.  Seemed a little silly to me, but he took off.  We did finally find the trail again and off we went heading down to the beach.  The lovely FRBs decided to lead us all astray down a long back check, passing the chippy and ice cream stop.  Ten Brulee seriously considered stopping for both as it was too tempting, but somehow managed to abstain.  (My Strava decided to name this segment “Resist the ice cream/chippy”, I’m not joking, and it’s kind of creepy actually.)

We continued along the beach for quite a while before cutting over to the harbour.  It was at this point my gut began to drop as I was pretty sure we were headed up that very steep hill to the war memorial, and that fear became our reality.  As you can imagine the pace slowed quite a bit at this point.  Toy Boy Tom decided to share the wise advice that at least we know “what goes up, must come down.”  Little Shit asked if he had ever been on a hash before.  Toy Boy Tom then noticed me and pronounced he better start running to show off in front of the scribe.  Damn Right! 

After trudging farther up the hill and seeing the walkie-talkies near the monument, Calum (Piglet? Ed) declared there better be a sweetie stop up there.  I responded saying that would be a nice treat, but he informed me “it is not a treat, it’s a necessity!”  Wise words, Twizzle has taught you well.  Little Shit then pulled Calum aside and told him to run up there and save him all the Bounty sweeties, so Calum obediently took off.  When I laughed at him Little Shit adamantly said “that’s what they’re for!”  I assume by ‘they’ he meant the young ones.  I’m not sure if the Bounties were successfully saved though. 

There was in fact a sweetie stop waiting at the top of the hill at the war memorial.  It was marked by several hieroglyphics including a long nosed dog-like animal with either a very large tongue or a bag of sweeties in his mouth.  As well as an S, V, and P.  The Penguin said he was unsure what the P stood for so he figured he was meant to take a pee while enjoying the view and eating a sweetie.  Way to multitask!  Little Shit gathered the present hashers to have us take a picture for the website since the last one only contained old people or something, I kind of missed the announcement.  But he forced all of the “young ones” down to the front of the group. 

Off we went, luckily back down the hill, I guess Toy Boy Tom was right.  Calum deemed himself “Guardian of the Sweeties” as he was given the bag to carry for the rest of the run.  I asked if he planned to eat them all but he said he would get sick if he ate them all while running, so he’ll only have a few.  Smart thinking.  We headed off into Dunnottar Woods coming up to a check rather soon.  4Fingers, Gimp with a Limp, Dive Bomber, StoneAa and myself all followed a trail with a small river crossing.  Fire Flaps then screamed “Get your feet wet, this is a Flaps run!”  Only to have actually sent us all on a false trail, thanks so much for that.  So back up the hill we went. 

Further along the woods trail Bag O’ Bones found a lolly on the trail and gallantly got down on one knee to offer it to me, like my own sugar knight in shining armour.  He informed Barbarella and 4Fingers that clearly we were marking trails with sweeties now instead of flour.  Personally I think this might actually get more hashers to participate.   Moments later the mood soured as we crossed a scary crime scene with the outline of a downed hasher drawn in flour.  Luckily there was no dead body still present.  It was around this time I found Twizzle holding the bag of sweeties that were clearly spilling out everywhere.  Apparently Calum decided to give up his Guardian duties. 

As we continued on the trail, the hashers charged down several woodland ‘stairs’ before coming to the actual river.  Flaps certainly lived up to her earlier declaration and had us all crossing the river.  My feet, shoes, socks, pants, and calves did indeed get very wet.  Luckily only one more hill and a few parks separated us from the reward of a beer stop in Fire Flaps back garden, where Numbskull was hard at work creating a fire for the weary hashers to dry their feet back. 

However some hashers found much more enjoyment in Flaps’ chickens.  StonAa, Gimp with a Limp and Dive Bomber all seemed extremely fascinated by the little animals.  They tried very hard to pick one of the chickens up, but forgot to listen to Fire Flaps as she told them to hold on to the wings.  She brought out the chicken's favourite snack, mealworms, and Dive Bomber decided to try and feed one to the chickens with his mouth, only to pull away at the last second.  Ten Brulee pointed out he “literally chickened out”, pun intended.  StonAa then challenged Gimp with a Limp to actually eat one of the worms, which he did, much to my chagrin.  Cannae Be Arsed and I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and I said “boys and their toys”, but Cannae Be Arsed pointed out it was more like “boys with their cocks”.  After explaining the EH3 tradition of Misogyny Moment to Gregor he queried what the female equivalent of ‘misogyny’ is.  However, he quickly realized there probably wasn’t one considering you can’t even spell woman without the word man. Wise thinking sir.

At this point several of the walkie-talkies showed up along with some suspiciously dry footed runners.  JC confirmed he did in fact walk down to the bridge.  Cinders also said that after falling a little behind at the beginning she figured she knew where we were going and short cutted over to Fire Flaps’ house, skipping the river crossing all together.  For Shame.  FiFi in an attempt to turn her bicycle around and rear park it, drove her bike right through Panty Pockets. Prickly Bush and I decided that did not sound very nice. Upon his arrival, Aids noticed by notepad and said this is what I get for sending in a really late scribe because it reminded people I hadn’t done one in a while.  Noted.  Speaking of my previous (fantastic) scribe, Toy Boy Tom informed me he was in fact the wise guru who stated “You’ve got to try everything once, if only to prove you don’t like it.” Thank you for the clarification. 

While we all relaxed around the fire enjoying our beers and chatting away, the hash hounds decided to entertain everyone with their antics.  Willow desperately tried to get people to throw her stick, however Numbskull misunderstood the assignment and threw it right into the fire.  Boston also decided he was a big fan of Fire Flaps’ house slipper and carried it around for her. 

Alas, the run was not quite done, so we headed off following the flour that proudly stated “downhill”.  Good to know.  Finally back at the car park all that was left was eating the food StonAa brought, enjoying our beers (well most of them, more on that later) and getting to the down-downs.  This could only start though after a very angry looking couple drove by, Aids decided they hated people having fun.  

Down-Downs:

•        The first one was just too easy as 6 of our hashers decided to set their own trail, right over to the Indian restaurant for a curry followed by a beer stop at the local pub on their extremely short walk back to the circle. Down Down for the Curry Kings: Muff Diver, Olymprick, Shit Boyfriend, Bruce Almighty, and Cannae Dae That.

•        The Mealworms: Dive Bomber, Gimp with a Limp, and StonAa for their kind help in feeding the chickens

•        Numbskull for throwing poor Willow’s stick in the fire.  Fire Flaps also noticed a suspiciously large object hanging from his bum and loudly asked if it was a haemorrhoid.  Aids told him he should probably get that checked out. 

•        StonAa for his yummy edibles.

•        Ballerina for his shop bought pizza, and Olymprick for his rather unique take on his down-down song. (It went something like He’s a cum, he’s a cum, he’s a cum)

•        Twizzle brought Little Shit in for finding the deepest part of the river to cross.  The two of them then decided to pour beer and foam on each other, nearly shorting out Little Shit’s hearing aids.  These things are expensive Twizzle!! (NHS. Ed)

•        Speaking of the bridge, Short Cutter’s unite!: Bag O’Bones, JC, Cinders, Mrs. T, Struth, Ten Brulee, FiFi, Ballerina, Hippo, and Thrupenny Bits. 

•        Fire Flaps charged Underlay for wearing new shoes, at which point Gregor decided to inform me his shoes were new as well. 

•        Sadly after drinking out of their right shoes, Little Shit informed Gregor and Underlay that in fact the hash tradition was to drink out of their left shoe. 

•        Gregor was kept in for bringing what was deemed to be the worst beer ever made, a Maple Pancake beer.  Dive Bomber joined him in the down down.

•        Drillbit for giving up at the chippy due to his hip and going to join the Curry Kings

•        Hippo charged Ten Brulee after he caught her standing still during the hash, waiting for the sign-up to open for the Bennachie race.  StonAa was brought in for an athlete's down-down with her.

•        Then out came our hare, Fire Flaps for her well-deserved down-down.

•        Oh wait, we aren’t done, Gimp with a Limp and Dive Bomber had to be called out for their table mistreatment after they didn’t get it locked in place

Announcements: Next Week’s run will be at the Brimond Hill by Hares Cinders and Aids

Wow it feels really good not to procrastinate!  I should keep that in mind for the future………… NAH!

On-On! - Gingervitis

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run #2086

Monday 3rd July 2023

OnOn: Grandholm Garden, Bridge of Don

Hares: 4Fingers & Innes

Scribe: JC

The hint of drizzle did not dampen the turnout to a slightly longer than average hash, designed to showcase the leafier parts of Bridge of Don. That said, The Bitchhh & Stalker were latecomers, whilst Hash Dray Ballerina didn’t make the OnOn circle at all, resulting in a scramble to locate some amber nectar for the pre-run DD. Bruce Almighty’s extensive mobile stock was appropriated, but with the aforesaid DD bestowed to him by way of reparation. As a countermeasure to a planned non-appearance, Underlay had delegated his haberdashery duties to the navigationally challenged,

Short n’Thick, who was therefore entrusted to deliver a 350th run Quaich (to be awarded to Shaky). Unfortunately, his inability to follow simple Google Directions in a timely fashion meant that by the time of his eventual arrival the hounds had already been unleashed.

But! not before 4Fingers had explained that the trail had been delineated with white flour and blue chalk, that there were no back-checks, and that the sweetie check was not actually on the walkers trail – but who was actually listening? She didn’t mention the all-important OnOn direction, so a moment of chaos ensued until One Liner (now returned to form after his recent bout of Covid) chanced upon an arrow pointing towards Andy Scott’s splendiferous ‘Mother Earth’ sculpture.

Armed with a map Pink Panther (There are two PPs. Ed) was shouldering the responsibility of keeping the Walkie Talkies on track.  Today, this bunch included The Bitchhh, who spuriously contended that his fitness relapse was triggered by a particularly indolent antipodean holiday.

Shaky brought up the rear, delayed; apparently by ‘banking’ the run monies and further hampered by the lack of an inhaler or antihistamines. Despite this he still found time to indulge in an inane monologue berating the wisdom of the sculpture facing away from the nearby houses (though in fairness one of the leopards was glancing in their direction).

I arrived at the first check in time to spot Tickbait and Ice Breaker returning from a falsie (so no surprise there) whilst, despite the check having already been broken, Splash n’Dash & Grant (Cum-a-lot? - Ed) felt the need to consult a map (presumably to ensure that they didn’t accidently stray into the darkest recesses of Tillydrone).

I managed to overhaul The Penguin and Blagger as they made steady, if unspectacular, progress towards Buckie Farm. The Penguin despite his not inconsiderable time on this planet confided that he had no words of wisdom to impart, and rather invitingly Blagger intimated that I ‘shouldn’t have too much trouble with her’. Inconveniently however; we were interrupted by the hare as she ran back towards us shouting OnOn, concerned that some hashers had actually (shock, horror) checked out a falsie and might therefore get lost - a prospect which she neutralised by laying about a kilogram’s worth of additional spots and arrows along the pathway. Having already been challenged by one of the harriettes over the absence of back-checks she was now especially keen that no harm should come to the pack on her shift! So doubtless she was relieved to spot an errant Hippo re-joining the trail as we crossed the Parkway.

The trail followed the belt of trees adjacent to Whitestripes Road and there was a welcome respite

at the Sweetie Check, where Sauerkraut enquired of a passing horse rider (purportedly on behalf of

4Fingers) as to whether she took little girls. River, realising that his home was only a stone’s throw away, decided to cut and run (or walk, since he was having an off-day). Bereft of his company Mad

Cyclist elected to phone a friend instead (using a mobile phone whilst in control of a dog not yet being an indictable offence). Leaving only a few morsels for those walkers sufficiently adventurous to deviate from their assigned shortcut, the runners continued their circumvention of Middleton

Park. Here, the trail offered little scope to digress - it did however offer the occasional tree swing which Search Party was keen to exploit. And, it also offered sufficient cover for pea stops which

Skippy was keen to exploit (Tonto asserted that he only followed her because he thought she was

on-trail . . . ).

Calum, who claimed he was mid-way through an on-line computer game, was today choosing to identify as a hologram, and doing his best to look after papa Twizzle.

Following yesterday’s trail laying exertions Innes had to-day resorted to his trusty mountain bike for increased mobility, and shepherded us past the academies of Oldmachar and Bridge of Don, thence, to the beer check in the grounds of Balgownie Innovation Park. With the cumulative exposure to the drizzle having rendered my notepad useless further documentation regarding the trail became reliant upon my memory. Consequently, there are no more details on record.

Back at the On-Inn the circle assembled and RA Aids was ably abetted by Twizzle and Shaky in awarding the following retributory downdowns:

•       Shaky for 350 runs - commemorated by receiving a quaich

•       Short n’Thick for not being able to find the OnOn.

•       Little Shit for his vanity in deploying a shower cap to keep his hair dry (which coincidently

·         kept his hearing aids functioning)

•       Rats for waking up Twizzle at 6.41am with a largely irrelevant AH3 message.

•       Gregor - new runner

•       Ding Dong for actually listening when the hare mentioned the use of blue chalk

•       One Liner for knowing Ding Dong’s name (by the simple expedient of asking her), not confusing her with someone else, and generally not being a Twizzle.

•       T’Rex Cock for thrusting Little Shit into the hedge in a competitive effort to reach the beer check.

•       Little Shit for his misplaced “it’s obviously a lefthander” quip

•       Biggles for holding two drinks (alternately for denying Skippy her drink)

•       Stalker, T’Rex Cock, Numbskull a sad indictment to PhDs

•       Calum for his badminton and squash racket skills (though not for spelling)

•       The Penguin for being the most bored non-dog (4 yawns and counting)

•       Premature (aka Sam) - naming ceremony

•       Coming-a-Lot (aka Grant) - naming ceremony

•       4Fingers & Innes for setting a great run

** A work of fiction by JC

Aberdeen Hash House Harrier

Run No. 2085

Mon 26 June 2023

OnOn: Glebe Park, Banchory

Hares: Panty Pockets & Bag’O’Bones

Scribe: Tickbait

It is the year 2085, far in the future, wait, no, it was run #2085, quite a while ago.

It is common hash lore, that it is never a good day to be the scribe. Either you can barely write, because your fingers are freezing, or what you had written is obliterated by rain, or the run is so boring that you must make things up. Or you are just so busy and about to be off for six weeks, then forget to take your notes with you, and are hardly able to decipher them after coming back. Why? Because it did rain of course. So, indeed, run 2085 wasn’t a god day to be the scribe.

This is why I went on a search and found the two only available single-use, but compostable, magic time machines on the internet. Having nothing better to do with them, I travelled back to the 26th of June and took an invisibility potion to experience the run again - unnoticed.

I was still a bit dizzy when I stepped out of the vortex of time, just around the corner of the car park. In beautiful daylight, just after summer solstice. And just a few minutes before the first rain we’ve had on a Monday’s run in 2023 began, which drove a flock of wimpy hashers to run for cover under the lush green canopy of a nearby tree. Unfortunately, this was not where the circle was, so they reluctantly obeyed comandante FireFlaps, who had been busy trading weed (or other veg) just 10 minutes earlier. She had chosen a good spot, mustering us all around a formerly formidable, but now trampled dog turd. Had I travelled a few hours further back in time, I could have seen it in full splendour.

Now it was today’s hare Bag’O’bones’, who devolved the honourable role of the scribe to my past self. Of course, I had not forgotten that. So, I observed myself observing that a pretty orange scarf was awarded to Prickly Bush, so she could protect herself from the fair amount of precipitation and have a down down with Rats. Technically, having travelled back in time, I was a returner, but changing the past can have unforeseeable consequences, so I remained hidden. We then welcomed a new runner, Kieran, who never returned, and (w/h)or(e/n) of Africa, a runner visiting from Sri Lanka. I am still confused about her name, and even though I had been determined to ask her if it was horn or whore* (as some other hashers were convinced), I was too shy… Maybe it is Worn of Africa after all. (*Microsoft Word tells me that the second option may be offensive to my readers but did not offer an alternative). But it does not really matter, does it?

The hares, Panty Pockets and B’o’b, sent us off onto the trail, roughly following the flow of the Dee, where we saw a rainbow in the east, trying to compete with Skippy’s stripy socks. The pack scared away a heron wading in the river. The poor bird must have been as scared of the pack as Little Shit feared getting his hair wet. In contrast, none of the hashers hesitated for a second to cross the graveyard. While Cinders did her best to find all the shortcuts, JC managed to lead the pack as a front running bastard. My smudgy notes also mention Nutcracker making a weird noise, but I was too busy protecting the notebook from the rain (again) and missing, whatever it was (again again).

It didn’t take too long before the pack found a hungry Barbarella and FireFlaps at the Sweetie check, having a competition of who can devour the most sweeties in 10 minutes. After that, Biggles rejoiced in jostling the poor scribe into a stand of dripping wet birch trees. Knowing what was coming, I was tempted to trip him up, but kept spectating to not mess with the course of the stars, or god’s will, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Good, that the Beer check was not far away anymore. On our way there, we had to cross a sports green, where Rottweilers were trained, and I wondered if that was because of the upcoming kids’ week. Only a few high-speed hashers used the lanes as means to get to the beer stop a little bit quicker. Although Skippy and Ballerina were convinced that a second bag of flour would have been nice, everybody found the beer stop in the hares’ pretty garden.

When we arrived back at the car park, Bag’O’bones was happy about finding a bottle of Cumberland beer, as it was from where he once worked. But there was not enough time for him to enjoy it, as the down-downs (partly leftovers from Fifi’s and JC’s birthday party) were prepared, and the circle was about to begin.

The Penguin got the first one for being McGreedy. And maybe that had been exactly his intention.

A few more drinks were handed out, for various reasons, to:

Tickbait and Short’n’thick for using the running on the green and the latter another one for stretching like an athlete.  

T-Rex for activism on battery renewables in Kintore (?), but maybe I misheard.

The new runner Kieran (Mad Cyclist’s co-worker) and Horn/Worn/Whore of Africa, and Aids for calling her a virgin. This, of course, was irrational, because she was not a new runner… or was there some confusion with her name? Anyway, Aids burped out the fermentation product of the leftover party-beer, which almost earned him another down-down.

Next were Shaky, for not keeping up with conversation, and Ballerina, just for being there.

Sometimes, it is just the small things, so Rats received an educational down-down to get him off his phone. In the meantime, Mad Cyclist attempted to educate Willow by tying her to a bin, which caused the scribe’s beer to spill.

Also, FireFlaps got herself a down down, but there was too much babbling of the hashers, so that the reason for it got lost.

An announcement was made, that Scott Skinners is shut on Mondays, which from this perspective, is good to know for the summer runs in 2024.

Finally, the hares got their well-deserved drinks.

Thank you, Panty Pockets and Bag’O’Bones for a much-enjoyed run, AND for a great selection of vegan-sandwiches: No-bacon-no-chicken, houmous and pepper, and coronoation-chickpeas, which were surprisingly well received by some oblivious carnivores, who usually need a defibrillator and CPR when there is no animal product on the menu.

My past-and-future self were still full the next morning! Task fulfilled, I immediately used my second time-travelling device and started the journey back to Aberdeen September. Just in time to avoid getting shamed for a missing scribe on the upcoming AGPU. Also, I did not want to spend another whole July and August in Aberdeen, with September being so much warmer! Lucky me!

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2084

Mon 19 Jun 2023

Drumoak

Hares: Numbskull & Bambino

Scribe: Wee Willie

Hash Scribe Run 2084 19th June Chez Numbskull & The Dutchess in Drumoak

More sunny weather in Drumoak, and the hash beckons! I win the scribe this week, and I’m not even a teacher, I’m honoured. Though as a walker today (more of a meanderer really) I’ve relied on others to tell me what happened.

RA assembled the masses and awarded pre run DDs to himself (Twizzle), Ten Brulee and Numbskull.

One new runner Jackie, enticed along by returner Right Tit.

Jamie must like it as he returned for his second run. Well done Bungy Finger for bringing him along. Apparently self-naming Rambo, let’s see if the RA approves.

Pack set-off down the hill and quickly split into runners for the loop and walkers. Then down to the Deeside Way heading east, lovely route.

Smurf was walking today, apparently work loomed in Banchory after the circle so she wanted to glow slightly rather than sweat. Grant Frae Fraserburgh was also walking- he’d already done a 10k run today, so didn’t want to overdo it (no chance of that on the hash).

Another surprise walker was Tonto- though at the trail split he decided to leg it up the hill on the runners trail anyway. EggFoo advised that he’s been bagging multiple Munros, so his body had slowed up today.

Pleased to see some runners- eventually- I’m sure they enjoyed Numbskull’s loop! He had decided to stay behind with the The Dutchess to prepare the hash barbie, Bambino was delegated the task of front runner. Biggles didn’t fancy mingling with the front walkers so off he went. No surprise to see Tickbait motoring to the front of the pack. Short & Thick was caught in the loop too, eventually catching up with the walkers.

Lots of the world’s problems solved by walky-talkies. Rats’s solution to world hunger might not be approved by the committee- sort world hunger by feeding hashers to polar bears (or something like that).

Good to see T-Rex Cock blood-free on way to the beer check. Beaten by Sherlock down the hill. No so with Mad Cyclist & Duracell Dog, kept on a tight leash.

Excellent beer check. Though Fire Flaps wasn’t happy, the Numbskull offering to GM of his best Crabbies had been consumed already. She should have thanked the hasher I thought.

Lots of DDs after the feast.

• Twizzle awarded himself multiples, the joy of being RA.

• Wee Willie got one because the pack was taking too long to gather.

• Gingervitis- for winning (admittedly rowing, not running)

• Little Shit & Sharnie- for being AWOL on the hash. Little Shit gave us a story about an email received from the polis and sent to Fire Flaps for her diplomatic resolution. Was the usual one about ‘what’s this white stuff on the ground’? GM dutifully ignored. Not even blaming last week’s hares, JC & Fifi.

• Proceedings were interrupted by shite joke from Shite Boyfriend- can’t remember it now, which is just as well.

• Eveready- can't remember if she got a DD - but should have- being bossy in the circle- a teacher as well. Obviously GM material.

• JC got the navigator award for losing the onn inn with Biggles & Fifi after the hash hill walk.

• Right Tit for returning- no excuse as he works in Drumoak

• New runner Jackie- welcome.

• Sauerkraut- for being late (waiting for bus)- something about Hamburger Hash (he ignored the circle as he was scavenging BBQ food).

• Wee Willie got another for ignoring Sauerkraut at the bus stop.

• Bruce Almighty- selling hash necklaces and poor delivery

• Smiler & Ten Brulee for buying said necklaces

• Seemed to be multiple DDs for last week’s hillwalkers. Except organiser Pink Panther who wasn't here.

• Ballerina for teaching the hash Yorkshire

• Harlequine for who knows what  

• Reputedly Tom got a handle courtesy of Shetland Hash. Some-one will no doubt remind me what it is next week. Good news, no confusion with Toy BoyTom now.

• Hares- Numbskull and Bambino excellent trail in the sunshine!

Thanks also to all for excellent BBQ. Helped by Doina.

OnOn to hash 2085 with Panty Pockets & BagO'Bones

Wee Willie

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2083

Mon 12 June 2023

Burnhervie bridge

Hares: J.C. & Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary

Scribe: Lazy Bastard Son

When we arrived, there were too many cars for the car park. Some civilians came in after us and decided to park the car blocking everyone off from getting out of the car park. It seemed like they didn’t even ask anyone also. Luckily for us, the hero of the day, JC, with the most thrilling hash handle, took charge of organizing the hash. And what a hash it was. We were in for a real treat!

So off we went, trotting along like a merry procession. We stumbled upon a line of hashers waiting behind a colossal log, perplexed by the predicament. To make matters even more interesting, a mischievous wire lay in our path, tempting fate and challenging our agility. The hash gods were certainly having a laugh at our expense!

But hold your horses! It was no ordinary day; it was Twizzle's birthday! To mark the occasion, he had a dashing pink balloon strapped to him, floating above his head like a beacon of celebration. And who should we spot but Ice Breaker, gallantly wielding not one, but two colossal sticks. Yes, you heard that right! The man had a peculiar fondness for stick collection. Quite the peculiar hobby, I must say.

As we ventured deeper into the thick forest Lazy Bastard Son (me) lagged behind for the entire run. Despite having two physically demanding jobs, I seemed to be living up to his notorious reputation as a lazy bones. Ah, the irony! It's not every day you witness such dedication to laziness.

Now, brace yourself for the unexpected! A group of renegade dogs decided to join our merry escapade, escaping their homes for reasons unbeknownst to us. Perhaps they sensed the adventure in the air or just craved some canine camaraderie. Regardless, they trailed behind us relentlessly, refusing to be deterred.

Finally, our four-legged companions bid us adieu as we ventured deeper into the heart of the forest. Ah, the tranquillity! But wait, what's that? A man, seemingly perturbed by the mischievous dogs, aimed a gun at them. Yes, my friend, he pointed a gun and exclaimed, "Those darn dogs will be the death of my precious chickens!" Hard to believe, isn't it? Ask Ballerina's son if you need further evidence. He's the one to ask!

Strangely enough, as we passed the farmer, he appeared to have found his inner Zen. Perhaps witnessing J.C. riding a bicycle was the epitome of non-threatening encounters in his eyes. Who knew cycling had such a profound effect on one's sense of danger?

But lo and behold, just as we thought the doggy drama was behind us, a random RSPCA woman, in the midst of releasing ducks, handed us leashes. Yes, my dear reader, she armed us with leads as if we were embarking on a grand expedition of dog-walking. Such unexpected gifts from the universe!

And there you have it, my hashing friends. The hash run came to the closing circle, leaving us with memories to cherish and charges to be bestowed.

These were:

• Glasgow for not keeping her mouth shut.

• The dog walkers, naturally, were held accountable for the enthusiastic canine entourage.

• And let's not forget to shower Twizzle, the birthday boy.

OnInn Gordon Highlanders. Inverurie.

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2081

Mon 29 May 2023

Foggieton Wood

Hares: Toy Boy Tom & Thrupenny Bits

Scribe: Tom

Two weeks ago (run number 2079) was hared by myself (Tom) and scribed by today’s illustrious hare (Toy Boy Tom). Given all the credit that Toy Boy Tom took for my run, I thought it was only fair that I gave him a taste of his own medicine during this week’s scribe. Unfortunately anyone who made a similar mistake this week only ended up running many hundreds of metres in the wrong direction.

 In the opening circle, we were introduced to a returner and three new runners  – two of whom had come all the way from Germany (Kris & Cord. Ed.)! Clearly AH3 has an international reputation (fully merited).

·         Underlay was given a down-down for taking too long to grab the t-shirts for the two milestone runs:

·         150 award for Eveready and;

·         25 award for an ecstatic Harlequine (my beautiful co-hare from 2 weeks ago). Of course one of these runners is the single most amazing, glamorous and down-right gorgeous Harriet of them all – and I suppose Harlequine deserves some credit too.

The hare explained the rules of the run (disastrously missed by your scribe as I fumbled for a pen and paper, as we shall see). It was pointed out that Foggieton was the site of the final hash before Covid lockdown struck - and with that ominous thought the pack set off.

The trail took the pack through ever-changing terrain - including woods, houses, gardens (lovingly prepared by Stewart Milne exclusively for this hash if Barbarella was to be believed), a picturesque meadow and (not so pleasantly) an avenue of razor-sharp, whipping branches that cut your legs one second and your face the next. Tickbait and myself were both savagely mauled by said branches, which drew blood – though a sacrifice worth making for the good of the hash. (It should also be noted here that Tickbait lived up to his handle, proclaiming at the later beer stop that he had extracted five ticks from his person today already, although how many he picked up specifically on the hash is not known).

Part of the trail took us up to a barbed wire fence, prompting a quote of “it’s not so bad” from Skippy as she vaulted through it.

Unfortunately, they say, “absolute power corrupts absolutely”, which proved to be the case for this week’s nefarious and fiendish hare.

Amidst the confusion, consternation and occasional wrath of the pack, this week the flour was not always our friend, as three spots were found to not be on – but often lead straight into a back check! Not wanting to change the habit of a lifetime, I promptly ran down all the wrong paths, but styled it as wanting to fully document the entire run.

The sweetie stop was atop a glorious viewpoint – and prompted feverish debate about the naming of millionaire’s shortbread between Toy Boy Tom, Stalker and the new hashers from Germany, (Kris & Cord. Ed.) who had clearly never tasted anything so delectable in their native land.

Back in the closing circle, Shaky administered down-downs to:

•     Hippo for being at the hash when he should have been away walking;

•     Numbskull for taking Hippo’s place doing hash beer even when Hippo was present;

•     Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary for returning to the beer stop to gleefully clipe on other hashers;

•     Drillbit for appearing to fly as he cycled the trail;

•     Panty Pockets for pointing out the obvious;

•     The BitcHHH for turning up to the run in his new shaggin’ wagon with tinted windows and a mattress in the back (presumably tried and tested by Shaky who made that revelation)

•     Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary again to celebrate the anniversary of his namesake;

•     The new runners; and

•     The week’s fantastic hares.

Thanks must also be given by myself to Panty Pockets for providing me with the vital paper on which to record these notes, and JC for handing me a pencil in the closing circle when my pen inevitably ran out of ink mid-way through the down-downs. And of course my doppelganger hare, Toy Boy Tom (getting credit for the second time in three weeks) for a thoroughly enjoyable and memorable run.

On On, Tom

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2080

Mon 22 May 2023

Brimmond Hill car park

Hares: Pink Panther and Bungee Finger

Scribe: Tonto

I had my hand in the hare,  oops air. I was directing traffic, the late arriving RA Twizzle and Mrs T. This was misunderstood by the hair as a desire to be scribe. So off I set with my little notebook.

Pre run Down Downs to Skippy for refusing to be rescued on her way on fleet feet to the ONON. She preferred to run from the place called B********, not the one with 4000 holes in it. Shaky also got a Pre lubed hash due to some parking infringement.

On across the road and into the golf course, “haha” so we will be finishing with a view check from the top of Brimmond, etc, all very predictable. Not.

After the first check I fell in with Mrs T who despite her fab new teeth had spent the day seeking a dentist to polish them as they were looking a bit dicey, or was she looking for a Polish dentist in Dyce …..I lost the thread on this one.

We then found ourselves climbing trees, horizontal ones, in the refashioned Clinterty woods. Why hadn’t the hares borrowed that natty little chainsaw that Hippo carries as Hare, the pocket emasculator, quite some tool? Was it a location in All Quiet on The Western Front? Certainly sounded like it, nae much calling going on for those of us trailing at the back of the FRB pack.

From this point on I not only had lost the thread, but also the whole pack – I saw only T-Rex Cock and Sherlock for the rest of the trail. I did see plenty of pink flour, probably managed an intelligent shortcut after the sweeties, and ultimately arrived at a very busy beer check. Oh and I lost the scribe pencil too.

Curious at the beer check was the absence of the walkie talkies. It transpires this was also true of the sweetie check. Fifi appeared from within a tree, but had made a shortcut over the hill top alone, no sign of the WT’s.

Back to the cars, a circle is called by Little Shit with most of the Walkie Talkies still absent.

Down Downs commenced with

• Shaky (and Hilary) for car manoeuvres. Shaky protests that he had already been rewarded for this, LS hadn’t been paying attention so tough shit.

• Icebreaker noted for his wombling activities, collecting crisp packets on trail, can he fashion a stick that spikes crisp packets?

• T-Rex Cock stood in for a wobbly The Penguin who had taken a fall somewhere on trail.

• Tickbait accused of being clickbait, or fodder for friendly fish. LS offering his dating service!

• GM for dumping her mates in Aviemore

• Mrs T for being a good Samaritan

• Bungee Finger for wisely walking his bike down the hills. He was going uphill much too fast though.

• Skippy had no sox, Tickbait had sox (see above is there a possible vowel switching opportunity here?)

• Nutcracker for not running from the town with 4000 holes.

• Pink Panther for being lead astray by the walkie talkies

• Shite Boy Friend for being….well a S.B.F.

• New Runner for having large feet…….and what could that mean, pondered the GM

The Hares – thanks you for a lovely evening walk in the quiet woods – how did I lose everybody?

ONON

Tonto

Post Hash missive.

Tonto,

Would please add a small note to your hash scribe to say thanks from The Penguin to all those who offered help and advice after his minor fall on fhe last stretch back to the circle.

Many thanks.

The Penguin

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2079

Mon 15 May 2023

Hazlehead café car park

Hares HarleQuine and Tom

Scribe TBT

Everyone agreed it ended up as an a-maze-ing run!  

Astute Hashers had spotted that “Tom” was a Hare today, and, putting 2 and 2 together, stopped to ask me, Toy Boy Tom, on my jog up to the run site about my run.   I didn't let on about any of the details, of course.   I didn't want to spoil the fun. 

In the Opening Circle, down-downs for;

• Tonto and EggFoo for an epic bike tide across the UK, that should been about 200 miles but took 700 miles (so Twizzle estimated) due to detours, including to Bournemouth!

• Struth for 900 runs!  She was given a bottle of champers – and waved off appeals for next to the skin.

After a brief overview of the do's and don'ts of the run the pack set off. 

At first check nobody headed round to the back of the golf club house, so, to help keep the pack moving along the trail, I stood there helpfully beckoning people on.  I noticed a certain amount of hesitancy to follow my kind beckoning: surely they knew I should know the trail?   The distrusting lot! 

Eventually a few brave did tentatively come, and the pack set off along the trail towards Maidencraig.  At the entrance to Maidencraig Pond, a sign informed us about the exciting dragonflies and other insects we might spot.  But all we saw was a babble of Walkie Talkies munching sweeties. 

To be pedantic, the correct collective noun for Walkie Talkies, particularly when found on trail on a path or track, is not a "babble" but a "blockage".  "Babble", though, does seem a more appropriate description in this context. 

After Sweetie's were munched at the Sweetie Stop overlooking the dark pond, the trail took the pack through the Den of Maidencraig into Hazlehead, where it came across Walkie Talkies Pig Iron, Sir Deadmund Hill-Ary and Muff Diver sitting on a bench in the middle of the woods, beverages in hand at the Beer Stop.  How did they do that?  Maybe not “blockage” nor “babble” but “b annoying”.

The trail took us through the formal gardens of Hazlehead Park - and into the maze.  That maze hasn't heard as much joyous, excited babble since class 1A of Hazlehead Primary was there.  It began to seem as though we were going to spend as long in the maze as on the rest of the run!  Nevertheless, having seen many of the paths in the maze more than once and in both directions, surprise, surprise, we eventually came across HarleQuine in the centre offering sweeties.  What a sweet thing! 

Back in the Closing Circle Aids and Twizzle admonished what seemed like well over 20% of the pack of at least 50:

• Cinders and Pink Panther – each buying a new car instead of repairing the old one, Shite Boyfriend style.

• Aids, Wee Willie and T-Rex Cock for thinking that “B” on the Walkie Talkie’s map meant Beer Stop.  It obviously meant Beginning of the trail.

• Durexcell for an offence so horrendous that I can’t bear to read my own writing.

• Splash’n’Dash and Craig – words fail me.

• Not Dot for having achieved a half marathon in Berlin in 15 minutes.

• Underlay for bin abuse.

• Little Shit for confusing Aids by sending out many Scribe reports of past runs in an apparently random order. 

• T-Rex Cock for naming and shaming those who hadn’t written one of the overdue Scribe reports and causing the confusion when they wrote the overdue reports. 

• Mad Cyclist and Search Party for being amongst those named and shamed. 

• Barbarella for claiming to have written one of the overdue reports - but forgetting to have sent it in.

• Hippo for having had to buy a new phone because he had capsized in a kayak in the River Dee with his previous phone in a waterproof bag that filled with water.

• The Penguin for discreetly having a pee away from the Circle behind a wall:  discreetly except for his orange hat that showed above the wall like a bellisha beacon! 

The GM announced that AGPU will be on 17 September 2023, and that Little Shit was on the lookout for a youngster – to wander off into remote areas with him/her, ostensibly to help with the trail. 

Finally the Hares were thanked for an amazing run.  My thanks go to co-Hares Tom and HarleQuine.  Seriously, yes, thanks you two, a great run.  Well done!

Oh, yes, and to everyone who thanked me after the Closing Circle for a great run.  It was a pleasure.  I hope I made it seem effortless.

Yours, outrageously, TBT

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2077

Mon 01 May 2023

Persley Walled Garden

Hare: Ten Brulee

Scribe: Sam

The meeting point this week for 53 hashers was Persley Walled Garden opposite the best motivation there is- a chip shop!

A couple of pre run down downs were handed out for long term service;

50 runs for Gingervitis and;

A swish looking goblet announcing 250 runs for Biggles.

Hare, Ten Brulee gave us the run down, hinting that we were to stay vigilant for additional markings on trees. On on was called and the pack confidently set off downhill, hit the first of many back checks and plodded back up to the chip shop.

We moved through Woodside onto a tiny, cobbled tunnel under the railway that had local Hashers reminiscing of promiscuous youthful activities.  Alas, it was another back check.

We struck off confidently again down another cobbled street, with a small group of sneaky hashers appearing part way having taken a short cut down a rather large bank. (Shaky, Sharnie & Little Shit) Lessons were learnt when they realised the size of the drop at the bottom.

We continued on, joining the river path for some lovely trail running beside the water, crossing at the old Grandholm Bridge. A check point was spotted and we all pottered about, interrupting a couple folk enjoying some woodland drinks - much as we hoped to be doing soon. Time ticked by and as less people struck out looking for flour we gradually made our way back onto the riverside trail. Imagine our surprise when we spotted a hysterical hare, cracking up on the other side of the river shouting across asking what we were doing! Suggests of wading across were made as the water was apparently only hip high but we weren't quite brave enough to try. Back across the bridge we went, along the river, up the cobbled street and left at the cobbled tunnel onto Great Northern Road. What a back check (without actually making it to the back check flour)! The longest in AH3 history?

We began our urban adventure around the hills of Hilton with the Hare trying to stick close to keep her trail on track. As we entered Stewart Park, little did we know that if we'd just looked left we would have spotted the walkers tucking into sweets? Instead, we dutifully followed the flour around the park and up a truly huge cliff face in the old Hilton quarry. There were a few mumbles of how unnecessary it was to take us off the nice trail and up a rock face but we all survived and bimbled on to the sweet stop. Or rather, a small handful of us did. The majority of the pack missed the tree stump with a big floury S and sailed away from shouts of “sweets," "on sweets," "come back."

From here we made it back to the cobbled street with no short cuts taken up/down the bank and the Hare suggested we continue to the bottom of said street as we'd already done the Grandholm back check. Woops. Before reaching Woodside sports complex some crafty hashers spotted the hare's car and after some searching we became convinced she'd locked away the refreshments.

Eventually, the beer was found hidden by the old mill flywheels which were promptly climbed and requests for drinks to be passed up made. At this point only about 25 hashers were present with both runners and walkers joining up. Where had everyone gone? While waiting for others to join, Fire Flaps got a message implying most people were already waiting for the circle to form and perhaps we should get a wiggle on. Back to the walled garden we went.

Aids popped across the road to the chip shop and we were all rewarded with Hash chips. Delightful. While munching it became clear how many different packs we'd split into with the entirety of Hilton, Woodside and Danestone having been explored regardless of where the flour was.

The circle formed. It would seem new runner Marge got caught up in the excitement of her first hash and in putting on a burst of speed to outpace fellow stick users, fell over a curb and had retreated home. Speedy recovery Marge!

Down downs awarded:

• Numskull for something;

• The Penguin for head banging Saturday night away;

• Fifi for attempting to join the dancing after losing control on 2 shandies,

• Smiler for not marking the check to help her comrades;

• Shaky & Little Shit “no no’s” hashers for running the wrong way;

• Aids unintentionally to himself for thinking no one had found the beer stop;

• Fifi again for bringing 15 lambs into the world;

• haky & Smiler as one particular hasher (Ballerina) who was on their way to continue a 3 day retirement session and drove past others leaving them in the pouring rain on North Deeside Road;

• StonA for returning after months away.

Thanks to the Hare, Ten Brulee for trying her best to keep us on trail. Your efforts were gallant

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2076

Mon 24 of April 2023

Newburgh

Hares: Barbarella

Scribe: Ding Dong

“With the return of Glühwein, Aberdeen’s Christmas lights and Santas taking over Union Street, memories hidden deep reemerge. Some may be having flashbacks to a cold, dark night in Newburgh; if these triggers aren’t enough to jog your memory, here is your scribe for the 24th of April (2023).”

The hashers gathered on Beach Road and circle up.

Icebreaker received a down-down for being too happy – I’m not sure why (my memory is still a bit hazy). With a point into the distance and the walker’s kindly given half a map, we were away.

For the runners it was a route of many ups and down sand dunes, paired with confusion, snow, hail and a shortage of flour that could withstand such elements. Skippy, Search Party & Biggles storm off ahead, on flour, and unheard, leaving much of the pack confused in the metropolis of Newburgh. Many Hashers faithfully follow their Hare, who innocently claims to have forgotten the route. After many ‘are you’s?’ the Hashers are back on trail and cross paths with a baby seal (very cute) before reaching the Whisky Mac stop. The discovery of Tunnocks Teacakes results in a momentary frenzy; whilst Barbarella’s ear’s perk to the words “hash of the year”, alas this was in reference to another run.  

Off the hashers go again, looking back in fear as ominous clouds gather. Hail struck amongst the sand dunes and chaos ensued. Two checks within 5 m, causes Tickbait to crumble – perhaps this was also due his new running style, the post Easter Challenge and Balmoral 10 km hobble.

Our hare gives up hope, seeing hashers scatter in all (but the right) directions in attempts to distinguish flour from hail. After countless up-and-down dunes the pack gathers to admire the view overlooking Newburgh’s resident seal colony.

Once again walkers and runners united in The Circle. I’m not sure how much walking was involved, I hear some ditched the trail in favour of hot chocolate (think I joined the wrong group). The Hashers were rewarded for the day’s efforts by cupcakes in celebration of the Hare’s birthday. More cake was provided by Search Party to raise money for Inspire, and The Penguin tells a story of missing the hashers at the beer stop, it was far too cold and the pack nowhere to be seen. Many down-downs were given, but by this point your scribe’s hands had lost most of their circulation, making pen holding and writing problematic. It went something like this…

• The Bitchhh told a story about the irresponsibility of trusting the Hare and somehow this led to the Udny Arms being named as the origin of sticky toffee pudding (!?) – the pud is from Yorkshire, no?

•  An appreciation down-down is given to the Hares for planning an early WM stop.

• Shaky tells a story about Search Party and Biggles. Search Party enjoys the down-down so much they re-share their beer with the circle (would this be an up-up?).

• Down-downs are given to two visiting walkers.

• Down-downs to Skippy and Tickbait, for Tickbait being too Skippy-like going down the sand dunes after Balmoral run.

• The Penguin for only doing 1/3 of the run.

• Shaky for trying to dispose of bad beer.

And finally, to the Hares – Doina and Barbarella - thanks for a great run!!

Your Scribe, Ding Dong

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers

Run 2075

Burnett Park, Banchory
Hares: Shaky and Red Stripe
Scribe: Not Dot

If you go down to the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today you’ll hardly believe your eyes
‘Cos every hasher that ever there was was gathered there for certain because
Tonight’s the night the hash teddies had a picnic

Yes we did, beer and sandwiches before these tired teddies went home to bed. All in aid of SensationALL, who gained £65.

There was a new runner, Andrew. There were two hashers come from afar--- Glitter Shitter from Rio, and Express Chicken who had come all the way from Perth just for the run (oh, you mean it wasn’t Perth Australia duh). Think she had just been doing continuous loops since the end of the Easter Challenge a week ago.

Skinny Witch had arrived with one walking pole and one golf club, so she was curtailed a bit and had to set off with the slow slow pack which included Muff Diver, 3 weeks into metal hip recovery.

The runner teddies set off at the usual fast pace and I never saw them again until the picnic. However on interrogation at the end, after a lot of “ums” and “ohs” and looking cute, they had this to say about the run:
‘There were lovely trees’
‘The spots and checks were laid beautifully, with great precision’
‘In the deep dark wood the trees were scary and put their roots out to trip us up’
‘We jumped over a few trickles of water to avoid scary bridges’

Must have been very exciting, wish I had been there.

And this:
‘There were LOADS of back checks’: (Eveready swatted Shaky to the ground and jumped on his head on hearing this, since he had run through all of her back checks last week).
All efforts to hobble Tickbait on the Easter Challenge failed because he limped around the teddy bear hash faster than anybody else could run.
Bag o’ Bones managed his usual fast pace despite having only 2 ½ meniscii in his knees (most mortals and teddies have 4)

The walker teddies set off  at their usual sedate pace, armed with hand written instructions from the hare teddy; what could possibly go wrong? At the first line, the walker teddies interpreted instructions very carefully and ended back at the start after 5 minutes. But after a few cogs had turned slowly in our tired teddy brains we got back on track, well at least for the next half hour of chatter.  Eventually when we admitted defeat and consulted our phones, we were rescued by a local grownup to get us back on track, just in time for beer and sweeties (but no lashings of hot chocolate).

One does learn some interesting facts when walking with the walkie talkies; Apparently Nicola Sturgeon and Peter Murrel are both gay and are married only for convenience. There is a conspiracy theory that the ship that sank on April 15th 1912 was not the Titanic but one of her sister ships Olympic or Britannia because the Titanic wasn’t ready. And we re-imagined and sorted out Union Street, we just need to let someone know by giving them a jolly good talking to.

Down downs were awarded to:

• Underlay for beer abuse (something about breaking a bottle when trying to open it- doesn’t know his own strength.

• Mad Cyclist for having a floodlight in his car- no not the bright kind, just a headlight full of water.

• Happy hashy birthday to Ding Dong and Shaky.

• Threesome of visitor (Glitter Shitter), returner (Threesome). And new runner Andrew.

• Gloves returned to High Maintenance, who had forgotten she had lost them 3 weeks ago.

• Shaky for losing multiple pairs of specs, one notably in Red Stripes garden.

• Biggles for being a sex pest and promising to give Fireflaps five fingers next time (don’t ask!)

• Fifi and her followers who she led astray—Bag o’ Bones, T Rex Cock and The Penguin.

 On Wed, 12 Apr 2023 at 23:48, <shakyabdh3@gmail.com> wrote:

No On-Inn but there will be post run sandwiches at the run site. Voluntary donations will go to sensationALL so please bring some cash. Shaky.