Scribes 2020

The fine spring weather encouraged a sufficiently generous hash turn-out as necessitated an overspill cluster of cars opposite the entrance to the car park – or perhaps they were simply congregated there in order to avoid the Council’s parking charges? A quick headcount confirmed that the gathering was below the recently imposed Scottish legal limit of 500, and hence we were unlikely to be a drain on our emergency services.

Wee Willie, our esteemed GM, was rambling on as I raised my hand in order to slip a cagoule over my athletic torso. It was unfortunate that Willie chose to interpret this as a positive response to his request for a volunteer scribe. I was hastily equipped with a piece of paper and a short & stubby in time to record Roger-Me-More receiving an ‘orrible ‘istory related pre-run down down (the details escape me, but since Julie is a spring chicken possibly might have had to do with the 1974 release of ‘The Man with the Golden Gun’? Then again . . . .).

A free T-shirt was bestowed upon Jetslag, and as a token of her gratitude she quickly stripped off in order to display it to best effect. The hounds were released, and Prickly Bush , doubtless inspired by Jetslag, impressed with her multitasking abilities as she disrobed whilst on the move. Meanwhile Olympric and Bruce Almighty employed contrarian tactics as they set off on their ultimately unsuccessful attempt to uncover the whereabouts of the beer.

Cinders took control at the first check, and your humble scribe was assigned to check out what turned out to be a lengthy back-check. My efforts to re-join the throng resulted in some shortness of breath, obliging me to take further time out whilst assessing the likelihood that I had perhaps been smitten by Covid-19. So it wasn’t until we entered the newly developed urban sprawl of Countesswells that I encountered some fellow laggards in the shape of T’Rex, Struth, Blagger, & Not Dot (apparently Biggles was nursing a sore throat and had been left at home to self isolate for the morning). Next up, visitors Cock-a-tool and Nae Desperate were uncharacteristically sluggish as a result of having competed in yesterday’s Deeside Way Ultra 33 miler. The Cock whinged about his knackered Knees whilst his cohort simply alleged that she was broken.

Following a relatively direct route to the northwest edge of Gairnhill Wood the trail then turned southwards and soon a Sweetie Stop provided everyone with a welcome sugar kick opportunity. A flour rich trail, mostly tracing the forest perimeter occasionally hampered with a sprinkling of back-checks, led the pack back eastwards to the beer check. After a bottle or two Tonto tried to impress the audience with his dry-dyking skills, but as the structure gradually became further destabilised a more prudent course of action was to refrain, and instead skulk off back to the car pack, where t’Ropers were providing lashings of hot soup and various crumbles to bolster the funds of local charity Sensational.

Once suitably replete, a semblance of a circle was formed as RA Aids called for order. Retributions were administered in respect of the following misdemeanours:

· Muff Diver for losing his hat (and hair?)

· Golden Shower & Tonto who upon hearing that Cinders had been less than 100% fit combined their drollness and attributed this to the ‘rhonavirus’.

· Penguin for deciding to go abroad rather than succumbing to 4 months of self isolating. He was joined by fellow septuagenarians Panty Pockets, Bag o’ Bones, and Goat Wrestler.

· Fireflaps for her confusion as to the difference between a saggy crotch and a soggy one.

· Sir Dedmund for perversely choosing to short cut across a bog on his recent ‘damsel in distress’ rescue mission.

· Glasgow for being that ‘damsel in distress’, who despite being on flour and coming upon a big arrow found herself navigationally challenged.

· Muff Diver and High Maintenance for carting a van load of waste all the way from Aberdeen to avail themselves of the Banchory recycling facilities.

· Cock-a-tool and Nae Desperate for being knackered and broken.

· Suzanne for being one of Barbarella’s new runners (and disliking beer).

· Sir Dedmund for not recalling who Stainless was, despite regularly conversing with him on social media.

· Olympric & Bruce Almighty for abject failure at finding the beer check.

· Hippo & Mrs T for providing excellent soup and deserts.

· Golden Shower and Durexcell for setting a good trail and arranging (mostly) fair weather.

Reminiscences and Ramblings from JC. Note that all characters are fictional, any resemblance to real people or events being purely coincidental.

Around 25 hashers braved the sunny morning at the Gramps car park at Nigg Way. Useless information: Hare and Scribe own the same make & model of e-bike.

A minute's silence was held in memory of Dave Steel (Stainless) who passed away ecently. He was known by most of us.

In the absence of Sir Dedmund and Barbarella we thought we might have been spared the 'Orrible Histories but no, into the circle leapt (literally) T-rex Cock, stripping off to reveal the team strip of some obscure English football club. Apparently T-Rex married the FA Cup in 1973. Or something.

Some old (used?) hash T-shirts were handed out to Gas Chamber and Cannae Dae 'At to mark their 25th runs.

And off we went. The runners were sent east in the general direction of Tullos Hill with instructions to join the walkie talkie trail in due course. If they got their feet wet in salt water they had gone too far and hit the North Sea. Your scribe was a walkie talkie so had no idea how they got on at Tullos, however I'm reliably informed that none of them got back with salt soaked socks.

The walker's trail (and 2nd half of the runners trail) headed west through the Gramps, or Loirston Country Park to give it it's Sunday name. There were an abundance of potential loops and shortcuts but if you kept heading east you would eventually come to the sweetie and beer stops. In this respect the runners made a right hash (sorry) of the walker's trail, arriving at the beer check from three different directions.

Numskull was musing that he used to do lunchtime runs here some time ago when he worked for Shell. He commented that "the trees had grown up since then". Which drew the obvious response of "why haven't you?".

The hare had obviously taken heed of the Kincorth rascals' propensity to nick beer and sweeties on previous runs so had them well hidden. So well hidden that no-one could find them. Indeed, the hare had to phone Mrs Hare to tell him where the sweeties were. Full marks for the beer check on Kincorth Hill with its magnificent view of the city.

On the way back to the circle there was a Frog Stop, next to the Living Pond. Aids was heard to say he'd never seen so much frog spawn. Really?

Then the closing circle. Down downs went to the following:

• Aids and Panty Pockets for mixing ski and riding rules. No, I have no idea either.

• High Maintenance for locking herself out of her car.

• Caca (sp?) for managing to damage her small car parking in the small car park. Apparent she is used to driving American-style pickup trucks.

• Numskull for the tree episode mentioned above.

A cold and windy day in Kirkton of Skene, it wasn’t this cold in Aberdeen! But we’re a resilient lot so around 40 hashers gathered in the car park, some in shorts…….me in about 3 layers and freezing.

RA Aids welcomed 2 new runners to the pack – Charlotte and Tracy.

Just as we thought “Oh good, no ‘Orrible Histories” as Hillary was nowhere to be seen, in steps his deputy Barbarella! Obviously thought that we just couldn’t manage without our weekly Horrible History (we could really………). So what happened in 1972 then? I’m sure I’m too young to remember (Aye right – Ed) but evidently there was the 3 day week, the Andes Plane crash (just what did they all eat?), the most profitable film ever was released – “Deep Throat” and ….more for the girls…. ABBA! And most importantly our two party girls Fire Flaps and Red Stripe were born.

RA Aids announced that we had a stand in RA – Numbskull – as he had a funny story – and off he rambled about some WhatsApp chat re USB chargers with Fire Flaps but complained that she didn’t get his joke about sticking the USB “where the sun don’t shine” - neither did most of the pack who had fallen asleep by this time so REBOUND down-down on Numbskull.

Hare Ballerina then launched into all his excuses for the run – never trust a Hare (said the Head Hare) – he didn’t manage to set all the run yesterday, not much beer and sweeties as used left-overs from January, lots of back checks with weird markings, walkers route, etc etc. And Pink flour!! This is an encroachment of the copyright of Pink Panther you know!

So off we all set – cold, cold and windy but thankfully dry though that didn’t last. As I’m a dedicated Walky Talky, I asked our GM (who is always Illustrious) Wee Willie to be my spy on the trail so I would know what all you FRBs were getting up to, but he didn’t come up with any juicy stories or gossip – what has become of the wild crazy hash? Oh I know, we all grew older…….(but nae wiser – Ed).

So off we went down the hill, crossing the Straik road and heading south, then up the hill still on road. The trail then went left into the woods, but us WTs kept on the road, following High Maintenance, Jet Slag and Aids with new runner Kaka (Charlotte) following on behind, before heading right into the woods, skirting a small farm. At this point, we had the late arrival of Gas Chamber and Cannae Dae ‘At with their wee dog, freshly returned from their cruise in warmer climes.

After a while ambling along through the woods, spotted Its All Because on another path, we went back onto the road before heading left into the somewhat damp woods skirting Loch of Skene (bringing back traumatised memories of the week before for your Scribe, of wading in ankle deep cold water following Hillary “flour is your friend – but not today” - never again!)

By this point, I could just about hear cries of On On – hmm….do I have time for a quick pee stop? Yeah, no worries. Too much information? Tough. After a wee meander through the wet woods, we came out at the shoreline of the Loch of Skene, with lots of swan’s bottoms sticking up in the water and turned right onto a nice dry path. A quick shot on the swing by Jet Slag and Gas Chamber, then onto the sweetie check where some rather orange looking Whisky Mack was to be had. Cannae dae ‘at was overheard saying that “following the girls was a mistake”. Really?? Finally the rest of runners turned up – where were you all?? Sergio was spotted racing to the sweetie check and doing a pirouette. Anything for a free sweetie eh?

The trail then went back through the woods until we reached the road, back up the hill across the Straik road again and up past Skene School. So just how scary are the kids who go to Skene School if they have to be penned in with a 15 foot high fence??

Up we went through some fields (on the edges like good little hashers), past a nice house and onto the beer check which had been decimate by the FRBs (or at least that was what the Hare first of all claimed). However he then fessed up that actually there had been plenty of beer but when challenged about his earlier statement at the circle of there being not enough beer, Ballerina just shrugged and replied “Fake News/Trump Truth”.

Then the rain started…but thankfully it wasn’t far back to the circle where Mrs T and a few others were spotted loitering about in a shop doorway……

Down Downs

· Mother of the Year to Fire Flaps for giving her son her last sock

· Panty Pockets for setting off on the run and leaving her car boot open

· Prick of the Week – Numbskull (Tonto helpfully pointing out that you couldn’t charge it on a USB stick – how does he know?)

· Late arrivals – Cannae dae ‘At and Gas Chamber

· JC for being late and coming in a separate car from Fi Fi – who managed to turn up early to do Hash Cash! So we all now know who makes them both late each week!

· New runners – Kaka and Tracy – welcome and please come back

· Hare – Ballerina for an excellent run

Back to the Hare’s House for some lovely chilli, baked potatoes and sweet things. Yum!

Pink Panther

It was a very cold morning – most of us weren’t fooled for a moment by the sunshine, but there is always one ……Hippo cycled there (hmmm - could he have been guilt-tripped by getting a DD for being a wimp last week???).

The pre-run down-down was awarded to Prickly Bush in recognition of her achievement in losing her keys in the carpark last week – luckily found by Hippo when he stood on them.

Deadmund did a horrible history after leading a rendition of Hashy Birthday to Redstripe for being conceived in 1971. Other epic events of the run were: the invention of the microprocessor, the sending of the 1^st e-mail, the launch of Apollo 14 and the Soviet Union’s first Space Station and……Disney World opened.

The Hare explained the flour markings and the pack set off through the woods and fields, eventually emerging on the back road to Inchmarlow. Fifi demonstrated her ability to ride a bike at the speed of a slow-walking hasher without falling off. Glasgow, Pink Panther and Deadmund demonstrated their lack of ability at reading the Hare’s mind and were never seen again until the circle finished and everyone was leaving the carpark. Apparently, they had walked a long, long way in completely the wrong direction, the high point of which was wading through a bog which was deeper than Pink Panther’s walking boots.

Meanwhile the rest of the pack re-entered the woods behind Shaky’s house and wended their way through woods, tracks, the odd field, farms, scenery, sunshine etc, until emerging on the back road to Brathens. During this section Struth did what must be the face-plant-of-the-year when a loop from the laces on her trainers caught on a strong low branch as she ran past. She would have flown further but was held back by one foot. Luckily, she bounces well and was unharmed. After re-entering the woods, we saw no tarmac for the rest of the run. Overall it was a medium run with plenty of all the good things except (if I am being really picky) enough suitable deep cover for pee-stops – an increasingly important consideration as the pack descends into old age and senility.

At the beer check entertainment (as ever) was provided by Boston, who found a big stick and ran around bashing it into hashers’ shins and backs of knees. He also provided entertainment at the circle attempting to eat crisps without extracting them from the packet, which had to be taken away lest it met the same fate as Wee Willie’s gloves (i.e. a week in Boston’s stomach).

DDs were awarded to:

- New runners Rea and Tam Zac their driver and who arrived very late and missed the start

- Just Jess who did public bus Yo-yo for 2 hours (with no bus-pass!) between Milltimber and Mannofield trying to find Woodbank for the Pensioner’s lunch - but still got there before JC and Fifi

- The Hard Men in shorts – Little Shit and Longshanks

- Little Shit for alleged breach of Hare’s instructions about running across fields

- Mr T for difficulty in finding the On On despite signs, Google maps etc

- Ballerina and Drillbit for etiquette breaches (sitting down in the circle and hands in pockets)

- Bruce Almighty – due to medical misadventures from the previous day

- New Prick of the Week award to Tonto for boasting he had broken all the checks

- Hare Shaky for an excellent run

The circle broke up due to imminent hypothermia and the Pack threatening mutiny.

Scribe: Mrs T

After a stormy run last week at Loch Skene thanks to Storm Ciara, any fears of similar behaviour by Ciara's little brother Dennis were unfounded, with the weather behaving beautifully.

A healthy turnout of Hashers (as opposed to a turnout of healthy Hashers) circled up for a limited selection of pre-run down downs, possibly due to a notable lack of beer...

First job for our RA was a down down for Twizzle, for somehow mixing up the words 'Woodbank' and 'Wednesday'...

Tonto was rewarded for 555 runs with some new shorts – with certain Harriettes being disappointed as their cries of 'next to the skin' were ignored.

A birthday down down was awarded to Little Shit for last Friday – skilfully gate crashed by Numbskull claiming his birthday is next Friday. It remains to be seen whether this claim will be exercised a second time next Sunday.

Then over to the Hares- Dad Dad and Dad Daughter - for brief instruction, before we were off in the direction of the alarmingly high speed Aberdeen Bypass. A nice downhill stretch on the safer side of the fence, then crossing the slightly less dangerous North Deeside Road brought us to a check at the bridge over said bypass. Sadly any down-down-worthy transgressions from this point must remain unrecorded, as I confidently shot off on my rock solid assumption that the trail would be heading down onto the old Deeside Railway Line. After a few minutes of suspiciously solitary Eastward FRBing, discretion defeated valour and I backtracked to see the pack a good half a mile away to the West, and already on the other side of the bypass.

Shame proved to be an excellent motivator however, and the pack was soon caught after crossing Milltimber Brae. The trail developed from the narrow path into wider but no less challenging terrain, the increasingly marshy conditions indicating our arrival at the river Dee.

The next section was a lovely riverside pathway, known as 'Lover's Walk' giving some excellent scenery, topped off by the beautiful St Peter's Church and Cemetery. The newly sanctified flour then led this band of sinners to the historic Kennerty Mills area, with the bridge providing an excellent opportunity for the all-important Pooh Sticks. Current challenger Fire Flaps made a brave attempt to catch up after her comprehensive defeat last week, with her typically understated tree trunk proving the victor, however the second leg saw a return to winning form for reigning champion Icebreaker, maintaining his dominance at 2-1.

Fire Flaps clearly did not take this well, and shortly after launched an unnecessary volley of harsh questions at the Hare at the next check, seemingly concerned that it looked 'like a boob'. This concern was apparently not shared by anyone else, and Fire Flaps was sent off on her own trail to calm down before re-joining the pack on Malcolm Road. The next check saw a little confusion as the checkers first climbed, then descended Coulter House Road to be told that the Back Check they found there was not actually a Back check at all...

Further confusion reigned at the top of the road when several Hashers inexplicably failed to realise that the unmarked, unoccupied car parked at the junction was in fact the Beer Check. However all were quickly gathered and suitably refreshed before another fine downhill trip to take in the sadly boarded up yet still impressive Culter House, on the way to the On Inn.

Down downs went to Hippo and Hillary for somehow being wimps?, before Hillary excelled himself once more with the Horrible History, supported by Blagger, as a 1970 conception, probably.

Barbarella somehow nominated himself for a down down by adding the vital information that Aberdeen won the Scottish Cup in 1970.

The RA then helpfully informed the circle that electric cars are quiet, and can be a problem in that it is often difficult to realise that the engine is in fact running and in gear, leading the vehicle to self-drive for some way even after the driver exits. This appeared to be news to no-one except Tonto who accepted a down down to help him remember this particular PSA.

GM Wee Willie was suitably punished for his earlier face plant, albeit it was noted by some that he landed on his head so no injury was caused. Similar consequences were felt by Swamp Queen for her own admittedly very impressive high dive from the ground, to the ground.

Toy Boy Tom then levelled a charge, suitably downed, at T-Rex Cock for a self-inflicted injury to a sensitive area with some fence metalwork, leading to a possible name change to T-Rex Cockless.

Sergio was similarly charged by the RA for some sort of gate related incident – it should be noted that while your scribe trying to establish these facts, Sauerkraut very efficiently fitted in a down down for something. Dunno.

Then to the Hares, via a quick dedication of today's trail as the 'Triple Bypass', of which only two were human and sentient (?)

Overall a most enjoyable Hash, with some fine scenery, weather and hospitality.

On on!

Icebreaker

Despite the blustery conditions as Storm Ciara continued to unleash herself on the country, a largish pack gathered by the gates to the Dunecht estate. Fortunately, we managed to stay dry apart from a brief but heavy shower on the trail.

Unusually there was no mention of the rugby in the circle, so I’ll use this opportunity to say Ireland played well – again, other teams not so.

Pre run down-down went to Fifi who claimed she had never received a 50 run T-shirt, although quite how she would remember after all that time I’m not sure - how the mind of the fairer sex works never ceases to befuddle. (I doubt I ever got one either but I’m not moaning – nor do I really remember). Thanks to Tiger Feet for donating a large bag of (unused?) haberdashery to fulfil Fifi’s secret desires.

Mobility limited more than usual by an iffy back I set off for a most pleasant walk accompanied by High Maintenance. We left the trail at the first check where we had caught up with the pack who faffed around for an age. Finally, three spots found; the pack headed left while we went straight on keeping to their inside. There was a brief sighting of a game of Pooh Sticks being played through the trees (Icebreaker later claimed he had won despite FireFlap’s claims to the contrary) and then the pack were off our radar. Numbskull made an early beeline for the beer check followed soon after by Bruce Almighty, who had been walking behind us, taking the team map with him! Wandering through the golf course we were joined by Mad Cyclist, his son and his dog who appeared from nowhere (or at least nowhere near the trail) having gone astray earlier on. An intuitive left turn and we came across Aids who for reasons best known to himself was manning a junction with map in hand, and helpfully showed us the way in. The pack finally chased us down shortly before we arrived at the beer which was just off the in/ out path.

A short post run circle followed because of the weather and there being no horrible history owing to Hillary’s absence – I’m sure we will be treated to double the horribleness at a future run. For the record it was the year of the last Beatles concert (that one on the roof of the Apple building), the first Concorde test flights and Woodstock. More ‘orrible however were the Manson family killings and Ted Kennedy having his driving license suspended for the Chappaquiddick incident. It was also the year our home-grown gangsters, the Krays, started doing porridge.

Down downs to:

T-Rex Cock, Mad Cyclist and son and Durexcell for heading to ‘The Temple’ on the other side of the loch - because they thought they knew better - only they didn’t.

The Walkers (High Maintenance, Bruce Almighty, Numbskull and yours truly) for not being able to collect/ follow a map.

Twizzle for improper use of a head band.

Sergio for playing with his balls.

Red Stripe whose fireproof gloves weren’t and along with a pile of wood were possibly too close to the stove causing smoke alarms to go off in the middle of the night (check those batteries!)

Ballerina taking one for Annie Bollox who in her eagerness to raise money for a Diabetes charity dove in too early and has swam 100+ lengths that won’t count (gives the rest of us a chance to sponsor her though!)

The Hares: It’s All Because and granddaughter Jessica for a good if somewhat long (8 miles!) run.

Post run soup and sandwiches provided by the hares to raise more money for the Greenhouse project in Bolivia

There was no beer at beer check on this run. But I did get to try my first Whiskey Mac.

After the run our resident Historian, Sir Hillary Deadmund said this in the circle that not only was 1965 the year Skinny Witch was born, the Rolling Stones were top of the charts with – “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”. Inventions included: AstroTurf, the cordless telephone, drones, Kevlar and chocolate eclairs. The unofficial national anthem of Scotland- Flower of Scotland- was also written in this year.

The down downs began with retrospective DDs for the Full Moon run on Friday.

- The organiser Twizzle got a down down for there being no moon.

- JC had grazed his face at the Full Moon run and he and Mr T (just freshly given his new name because he drinks a can or two of Tennets ahead of every run) was asked to join him for also having cut up legs from braving Toy Boy Tom’s adventurous trail.

- Golden Shower, Underlay, Prickly Bush and Drillbit were given DDs for being told to take a head torch and fluorescent jacket to the run and then turning up without it. JC turned up with a red light in his head torch… meaning he should have done the run backwards!

- Gas Chamber got a DD for being very merry at the Horse Race Night at the Ashvale Restaurant on Friday. She normally must drive her husband Cannae Dae that! to events. On this rare occasion… he drove so he got a down down for causing the incident by driving.

This was a very long circles session and it continued with DDs for today’s run…

- New hasher American Jess was introduced. She said her name was “Just Jess” and Aids the RA thought that was a suitable name “Just Jess”(J.J. - Ed). Later on Just Jess got a second down down for talking through proceedings.

- Barbarella got one for dropping a £10 note (which he was made to give to charity despite his protests).

- The Ambassador was back in Aberdeen and got a down down for borrowing everyone’s stuff to make it through the run.

- The Hare, Toy Boy Tom and Hippo got a DD for raiding Ballerina’s beer from his garage aided by his wife Annie Bollocks (who wasn’t at the Hash).

- Who’s got a big one? Muff Diver does- he bought a 65inch TV. Others including Numbskull were called in for the DD for also having big ones. Just Jess said those sizes wouldn’t be considered big ones in the States!

Scribe: Theresa

The following text is a creation or invention by a virgin scribe B. Duncan frae Fochabers.

First meet of the year, between 30 and 40 hashers gathered on a clear day exchanging festive greetings and embraces in the Seaton Park carpark.

· Two new virgin hashers Corinne and Fay were ceremonially welcomed by a traditional down down.

· There were some returnees such as Sharnie, Rats, Shaky and Goatwrestler.

· The following 1963 birthday hashers were forced to admit their age Longshanks, Smiler and Bruce Almighty.

The run set off at a sprint across the park however the pace came to a snail’s pace soon after as we started the first small hill at the back of St Machar’s Cathedral and the first checkpoint confused everyone as the swarm of hashers moved back and forth along the lane in both directions. Eventually the swarm was sent down to the river path. Some hashers “might have cheated” at this point since they were seen waiting on the other side. Once the bridge was crossed, we headed along the river-path on the other side.

One hasher identified an animal in the river as a seal however the reputable P&J published photographic evidence of a family of otters living at that same spot in their Monday’s edition.

The beer stop/ sweetie stop was set at an idyllic spot on the riverbank below the Brig of Balgownie, and unlike several recent hashes, had enough beer for everyone.

All Because whilst trying to take a group photo at the Brig slipped and nearly had to be rescued from the Don and was rewarded by this action by a “Don Don” at the end of the run.

There were a few charges in circle however whilst carrying my ceremonial task as scribe my attention was distracted by a flippant Fire Flaps shouting at myself to write everything down and taking intimidating photos of my lack of experience as a scribe.

· Olymprick charged one of the virgins, Fay, for pouring out beer on the ground at the beer stop but the circle was not too sympathetic since it transpired it was only Punk AF beer.

· Serious complaints were also raised about the incorrect number of spots left at some of the checkpoints by the hare.

On a more serious point:

· Hashers were asked to support the Full Moon Hash by Twizzle.

· Race night in the Ashvale Chip shop by All Because- to raise funds for a trip to Bolivia for I believe a family member.

· The Burns Night at Archibald Simpsons was highlighted as excuse to get merry I believe is Saturday the 25th of January.

Down Down also awarded to Pink Panther for an excellent run.

Scribe

Bruce frae Fochabers