Scribes 2018

Run 1907 started from the Foggieton carpark in Counteswells on an unseasonably warm and dry Sunday morning for the time of year. It’s a spacious car park set amongst the trees let down by its lack of actual parking spaces and the need to pay and display!!!

Aids, standing in for the GM as well as RA, called the pack of around two dozen to order and opened proceedings with a post-Christmas joke about two parrots. One was called Donald. A rush of blood to the head or lack of brain fodder the night before and I found myself volunteering to be scribe and was promptly dressed up like a French protestor and given a noiseless horn to carry.

Bruce Almighty received his 666th run award and the pre-run down-down. Thankfully there was no real energy behind cries of “next to the skin” as he manhandled his new shorts on over his shoes.

New Runners Annie and Colin and Returner Mad Cyclist with child Carter in papoose were called to the circle to introduce themselves.

Time then for this week’s Horrible History as ever enthusiastically related by Sir Deadmund which was the formation of the boy scouts by Baden Powell in - believe it or not, 1907. A quick demonstration of the boy scouts salute and a reminder to “Be Prepared” (lost on most of the pack) completed this week’s educational pantomime.

A quick reminder from the Hare, Pink Panther of what 3 blobs of pink flour, a check and the oft mis-used dreaded back check should look like and a disclaimer that she would not be on the run and we were off; uphill to start… never a good thing and through a field of wet grass rather than using the road that ran parallel. A hint of things to come perhaps. Across another road and into the trees. More uphill trail to a check - or was it? Confusion as the pack headed blindly, silently and off flour to the right only to come to a standstill. Some shouts from the hare who wasn’t on the run to follow flour then back to and past the ‘check’ heading left to finally pick up trail. A blob of flour and then another and another. My loud shout of On-On was met with scolding from an elderly pedestrian complaining that we were ruining their Sunday walk. Is this why the hash doesn’t call anymore? Good job the hash horn is kaput.

Into the forest proper with its established old trees and network of paths. Barbarella appeared behind me muttering concerns that he had not been following flour – oh dear, never mind - I’m sure he’ll get over it. The trail headed down the edge of the forest along the bounding fence or wall. I’m not sure which since I preferred to follow the parallel path through the trees where I was joined by some walkie talkies. Drillbit joined us briefly from another path even further off trail and then headed left on a mission of his own; looking for a coffee shop perhaps.

Back with the pack for a short while as their path joined mine and then running with Cinders as the trail proper once more headed to the edge of the forest. Cries of “Are You” were met with the customary silence so we carried on straight missing out a non-essential loop and rejoining the pack as the trail headed north into Kingshill Wood.

Some assertive trail policing by the hare who wasn’t on the run forced us up another hill against my better judgement. At the top, a ‘T’ Junction, the pack - all of them were off to the right, checking. No luck, so some brave soul headed left. My dad went down there already I was told by Smurf – but his eye sight isn’t great so probably didn’t see flour, she added by way of apology. Sure enough, the trail headed left and downhill again and then south, the noise from the nearby AWPR really hit us - a shame for those who live beside it.

Out of paths and options, the hare had laid a seemingly invisible trail across an area of scrub to get us back to the main woods; a washed out arrow showing us where to get off the path being the only clue. The FRBs had headed towards the left for a reason best known to themselves. Aids and I proceeded more cautiously looking for the elusive pink blobs with no success. The hare appeared behind us and pointed to the flour that was somewhat hidden at the base of a tree behind some long grass - easy when you know where to look! So, on to the right through the scrub and back onto path.

Indians! or rather arrows, lots and lots of (pink) arrows which is a sure sign of Indians and also that the hare didn’t trust us to follow flour, with good reason it seems, and made us take a right in the path rather than returning to the point of my earlier misgivings.

Finally, to the beer check which was located about as far from the On-On as is possible but graced by a scenic view across fields to the hills beyond, the peace punctuated by the sound from the AWPR. There was some confusion as to whether the beer had been found as there wasn’t any really, only the non-alcoholic variety which has become a necessity of modern hashing. Barbarella refused to give up however and true to form spent more time and energy than anyone else achieving very little as he searched for non-existent real beer. Back on trail but lagging again, first with T-Rex Cock and then with walkie talkies Thrupenny bits and Panty Pockets who missed the trail when the pack took a turn of the main path - and then, found themselves miraculously back on trail - seems the map they’d been given was only a guideline. Up a hill and then heading back to the east hugging the edge of the forest for a long haul back to the car park.

The post run circle was called to order by Aids with following miscreants receiving post-run down downs:

• Fire Flaps, Blagger and Little Shit for wearing moveable (pink) trail.

• Babarella for mistaking a toadstool for flour.

• Olymprik for walking a long way off trail and Bruce Almighty for collecting him from The 5 mile garage. The map handed to him by the hare at the start of the run apparently proving to much to comprehend. Or maybe he just fancied a coffee!

• Shaky for using a wrong hash handle when making a charge.

• Little Shit for not shouting loud enough when he had found the beer so that Barbarella kept looking for it long after the rest of the pack were quaffing away.

• Numbskull for having a photo of some lost gloves but not the gloves

• Fireflaps for having a birthday on Christmas Day (but she wouldn’t say which one!)

• Pink Panther (The Hare)

• New runners: Colin, Annie and Tom

• Mad Cyclist (and Carter) for returning

• Gloria for arriving back at the On On half way through proceedings.

• Sauerkraut for having no discerning taste (as long as there’s a picture of a bimbo on the can)

• Bag O Bones for having twinkle toes

• Drillbit for wasting down-down beer

• Smiler for attempting to charge Panty Pockets and Bag O Bones with forgetting to turn up for the business/pensioners lunch but forgetting she had missed a week and that they had been duly called to account at last week’s run.

Post run announcements

A reminder of Big Willy’ s hill walk on the 2^nd December. 10:30 am at the Bridge of Dye carpark for a shortish jaunt up Clachnaben which promises to be cold as the temperature is due to dip to a more seasonal level. Be Prepared!

If you left a pair of gloves at Numbskull’s on Run 1906 then he has photos to prove it - if you’re lucky he might remember to bring them along to a run some time.

On On and Happy New Year

Shaky

Script from Emilia (Drumoak run 23rd Dec)

So this is it… I was brave enough to get into the hashers’ circle and said “yes I could write a script”, now at that point I had no bloody clue the script is usually written during the run but never mind.. I’ll explain how much I managed to write on that Day later on. Let’s just move on to this run now and what’s actually happened. To be perfectly honest I would not be bloody surprised if my nick name gonna be something associated with a coffee orbreaking rules.

I even managed to get this thing called “fuck knows how it works piece of making noise”, you know what I mean right? I think the real name for it is a “trumpet”. (Horn. Ed)

So, the run started and no one actually mentioned to me that It’s necessary to listen to what hashers do and what they say, so I have a rough idea what to write. Instead I kind of develop a new way of writing a script and it’s called from now on “take some photos and you worry about the content later on”. (smart hashing cookie. Ed)

I don’t want to come across as a boring person or so… quite a few people asked me to write in polish, but I must admit my English is probably better than polish. (Kiwi, Padiwax and Cherry Blossom, they are all boot Polish?. Ed)

The run started and I managed to have some random conversation with other hashers. It was my 3rd run and I always follow Sarah (Fire Flaps) as she got me into hashing.

Run was really good.. Some hills and mostly in woods, it got to almost the end and suddenly I realised I lost Fire Flaps…. I just followed random people but eventually got closer to two hashers who said to me that I could follow this direction and I’ll be fine. I kept looking behind to see if they were right behind me. I crossed the road and asked again if this way was the right way as I felt like completely lost somewhere in Drumoak. They did confirm yes indeed. They got closer to me; we had to cross the road together and one of them (yes one of them as I do not remember their nicknames) asked if I wanted to go for a coffee. (Had to be Drillbit. Ed) I kind of looked at him with a surprise, “coffee? Do we go for a coffee during our run?” They both looked at me and said “Yes, that’s absolutely fine”. We got to this lovely little coffee shop. As I opened the door from the café, one of them said with a sarcastic voice “Ohhh actullyyy we should not be here”, and trust me, I can take jokes but at this point I got scared “haha” and asked again if we are ok to have a coffee. They said “Not really but we always do it”. I’m a kind of person who loves breaking the rules so I followed them, only few seconds after to realise I did not have any money on me.(Nice ploy. Ed). One of them was willing to pay. (thanks God). As I started describing a type of coffee I wanted, he looked at me and said “Ohhh I see who you are soya latte with some flavour syrup or even better one, oat barista milk”. As I started ordering, the lady who works there said to me “we don’t have any flavour syrup because our coffee is good enough. Only thing I thought, whatever to be honest, whatever Trevor. (Not meeeee! Ed). Let’s see how good your coffee is before you tell me not to have any flavour in it!!!!!

A few seconds later… both hashers decided to order cakes too, so, yeah; now we having coffees and cakes. He looked at me and asked, “Do you want one too? “Of course I do!” Brownies made my day.

We had chat, laugh and then suddenly who appeared behind the window looking at us and saying “aaaaa I see what you all doing”. My face went from, I enjoy it so much to full of guilt and embarrassment lol. It was Nummers on his electric power bike. He went back to hashers and we slowly left the café.

We could not find Nummers house for a good 15 mins. Eventually we did and all the hashers already started this circle ceremony. We then were called to join the circle after few mins, I knew I just knew I was in trouble for going with them for a coffee and it was only my 3rd run. Yes! I got called in the middle of the circle. What I would call now “Circle of shame”.

All hashers were looking forward to hearing my script, which turns out apart from letter “s” there was nothing on it lol.

I had no clue I had to write as I run, as I showed them my blank piece of paper everyone laughed and asked where my script was. My answer was “it’s at the back of my mind, it’s in my head, you might not see it yet but it’s there”.

I kind of enjoyed breaking rules and I think I’ll keep breaking them. I love hashing and I know it will be part of my life now.

Your ‘umble Scripter

Emilia

About 40 of us showed up for the Hash, which was pretty impressive given that a large number of the crowd had been on the Hash Xmas Bash the night before, so there were a few sore heads! Septic Sporran, Tongue Lasher and Eric the Viking had come up from Edinburgh especially for the party and Cock-a-Tool had also made it up from deepest darkest South.

It was a gloriously crisp sunny morning, which was bound to blow the cobwebs away, even for the worst of the sorry souls (I’d say that award went to Septic Sporran from the look of him!)

The circle was duly formed and Drillbit was presented with his 800th run award, which was a very useful camping chair – not that he has been camping in many a year I’d guess, but I could see from the look in his eyes he was thinking “Thank God it’s not another bloody t-shirt, I keep giving them away, I’ve got that many!!”

Horrible History was there with another fascinating fact, that in 1905 Albert Einstein came up with the theory on general relativity, excitement was palpable when Fire Flaps was summoned into the circle to explain more, but we were cruelly left hanging when she skipped away shouting “No way!”

So there was nothing left but for Olymprick to take centre stage and explain his rather whacky trail rules of no checkpoints, if you see flour your on, and if you get to a backcheck, you simply turn around count back 10 flour blobs and then you’ll be at a junction, where you will need to search for the next flour in whatever direction you desire – what could possibly go wrong?!?! Other than the torrential rain from last night making it highly likely you’d be forever grateful to see any flippin’ flour!!

So we were off and this is where Wee Willie will realise it is a really bad idea to give the job of scribe to someone with absolutely no sense of direction, who wouldn’t even recognise a path, if she’d run down it two minutes before!! So, I decided to simply note the things down that I thought were funny and not worry too much about where the hell I was going!!

As we trotted through the park the sounds of jolly Christmas music came to our ears and a small crowd of unabashed Hashers gathered round a truck where the music was emanating from, to dance their favourite Christmas jives! Cock-a-Tool could be heard whooping with delight as he pranced around from one Hashette to another thrusting his beaming face into theirs, ever hopeful with his cracker hat on that said “Pull Me!”

Little Shit was the first to crack under the “Pensioner’s Pee Plight” and was seen watering a long fallen tree only yards from the pathway – that man has no shame! That clearly set off Struth, as the next I saw was her hurtling past us slackers at the back, saying “Don’t follow me, I’m off for a wee”!

The run was very scenic and we went past a field of beautiful horses and very shortly after turned around and came back past them and I swear they had a look of complete bemusement as we trotted past, cos this run could barely be described as anything more than a shuffle!! Unless of course your name was Bog Brush – he could be seen prancing around like a deranged reindeer heard to be saying “I love it when I run really fast, cos I can feel the wind in my face” – that guy is definitely unhinged!!

Pink Panther however, was her usual stalwart self, amassing a frightful amount of rubbish, as she quietly went about collecting all the litter she could see along the way – what a trooper!

We really were a very cheery group, as many of the hashers had turned out in their finest Santa outfits. I wasn’t sure whether T-Rex Cock? (Dennis) was actually wearing a Dennis the Menace hat, and he did make me chuckle, watching him breaking into a lively jog that looked very promising for the first ten yards, but quickly lapsed to a sedate walk – I could almost hear him thinking “That’s quite enough of that malarkey!!”

When we’d got to the point when I started to wonder how far we had come, Graeme popped up with the flour in his hand and laid a very useful arrow declaring that the beer stop was only a few yards away. He proudly regaled us with his fantastic organisational skills of setting it up in his car and that he had given the keys to Eric the Viking who hadn’t the faintest idea how to drive! I had visions of the Hashers all piling into the car and whizzing off to hide it in one of the other numerous parking spots for Graeme to find, but clearly they were all kind hearted souls, as we found them crowded round the car, praising Olymprick for the fine Battenberg cake they found along with the beers & sweets!

So once the drinks had been glugged and the cake and sweets scoffed, it was back to the start point, with a short diversion when we spotted the Cairngorm Reindeer that had been brought to the park for the Christmas event that was getting into full swing. A few of the Hashers had a moment to get a selfie with their furry friends and I’m sure I heard Tongue Lasher whisper in one of their ears what she’d like Santa to bring her this year – Luka Sulic & Stjepan Hauser wearing nothing but a dickie bow and a piece of mistletoe!! (and if you don’t know who they are, then Google them!)

Back at the cars the usual crisps and beers and soft drinks were consumed with mulled wine to stave off the cold. An orderly circle was soon formed and Aids chastised the Hash for their lack of attention to flour, as he had been the only one to enjoy the part of the trail that Gloria had laid – personally I think he just got completely lost and made the whole thing up!! So, Gloria was given a neatly wrapped Christmas present, but tantalisingly I never got to see it what it was!

Little Shit was given a down down for being on flour and Wee Willie invited Numbskull and Eric the Viking into the circle for their down down, to toast them both officially as Old Farts for falling asleep at the Hash party.

Toy Boy Tom was praised once more for winning the best outfit contest in his inflatable Sumo Suit. It was noted that no one had seen him go off to the gents since he had put it on the previous evening and several Hashers confirmed a curious sloshing sound when passing him on the trail, and strangely he said he was toasty when Ballerina commented his legs were chilly when standing in the circle?!?!!!!?!

Olymprick proudly accepted the down down for the first Hasher on the new AWPR at 4:30am the morning it opened to a hearty chorus of “Get a Life!”

Biggles was almost dragged into the circle clutching his very dodgy looking water bottle, accused of the crime of drinking his own piss – best not let him go for a night out alone with Golden Shower then!!

You may think my tales are getting rather disgusting, well that’s just the start. Numbskull was almost apoplectic telling us of the filthy table manners of a certain shameless Hasher, who had been seen dropping food down their front and when they got home rather worse for wear, they ditched the idea of a shower and fell into bed. The following morning would surely see things put right, but further consideration of a shower was responded to with “F*ck that!” and even their very own daughter exclaiming “God you stink of mince pies!” did not sway them to address the situation. The Hasher shall remain nameless, for fear of shaming them even further, but those of us who were there could clearly see that this fiery lady couldn’t give a monkeys!!

But a far bigger crime of shame was to be announced, as Drillbit, Shit Boyfriend and No Name Lorraine were ousted from the crowd into the centre, as they had been spotted skulking off to the coffee shop in the park not more than 200 yards from the start, where they sat and savoured their richly roasted coffees and whiled away a very pleasant and relaxing hour or so!!

Cock-a-Tool submitted receipts for expenses that were incurred along the way and presented the mobile disco one for £300 to Olymprick and special transport costs (via reindeer) for £600 to Sharnie – I think he might be a long time waiting!!

Cock-a-Tool spotted Wee Willie’s tight fisted trait when he pointed out to everyone that Wee Willie still had the price tag on his Santa hat and he had planned his homeward journey to go via Primark’s Customers Returns desk. Wee Willie tried to fob us off with some story of a lovely lady in the park giving away Santa hats and yummy mince pies, but I mean come on! Why would you? To nice sweet children maybe, but that fabrication was just a step too far!!

Announcements that were made were as follows (hopefully I noted them down correctly!)

• • Those going to the Business lunch on Fri 21st should look at the different menus and advise which one they prefer

  • Hash Hogmanay will be at Glasgow’s place in Cults on the 31st – details on the web site

  • 2nd Jan will be the first hillwalk of the year going up Clachnaben

  • The next ASSTITTY will be on Thursday 20th at Prince of Wales at 19:30 raising money for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution

All business being concluded the Onn Inn was announced as the Dutch Mill, which Olymprick had done a previous rekey of, which had got the Hashers seal of approval.

Your ‘umble Srcibe

Blagger

The pack was called on a cold, crisp and sunny day into the opening Circle by the GM, and New Runner Jim was welcomed.

The GM Wee Willie and RA Aids valiantly competed against the back-chat of 2 younger Hashers, which lead obviously to the answer of the question of who was to receive the opening Down-Down. Who is responsible for these two, the RA asked? Biggles! So Not Dot got the Down-Down!

Hares, Smurf and WTF Alice set the pack off in the direction of the woods. Those at the front of the pack set off, but, despite of no calls on “On! On!”; those in the middle and back followed, sheep-like, until all realised that those at the front were still looking for the trail. Except for Golden Shower, whose shouts of “On! On!” could be heard in the distance from the other side of the school.

Down the hill the trail lead, zig-zagging through ever more impressive houses with street names that progressed to eventually “private road”, and onto a check by Deeside Golf Club.

The pack checked out everywhere except the road to the clubhouse. Surely the trail isn’t there? Can we go there? Have the well-connected members of the some-might-say pretentious Deeside Golf Club somehow excluded the right to roam from their club grounds?

True, no one was wearing jeans so the pack met that part of the dress code, and followed the trail daringly past the clubhouse and first tee to Allan Park.

Hare WTF Alice accompanied a fraction of the pack in an anticlockwise circuit around Allan pond, advising us half way round that we should have gone the other way around. 330 degrees around, we arrived at the Sweetie Stop to be met by Hare Smurf and much of the rest of the pack. A well-executed regrouping! Sweetied and more or less regrouped, the pack started the climb back up the hill to the On! Inn!

The closing Circle welcomed Horney Blower, and Down-Downs were awarded for misdemeanours by RA Aids to:

• • It’s All Because for ignoring greetings of welcome in Duthie Park earlier in the week;

  • FiFi for not having seen “The Life of Brian” despite having had the DVD for a year;

  • JC for thinking he may have seen “The Life of Brian” in the past but, incredulously, not being able to remember anything about the film; and

  • Struth for wandering through the Circle.

Instead of a ‘orrible ‘istory, One-Liner told the Circle 3 one-liners, all of which perhaps should have stayed in their Christmas crackers.

Charges were made:

• • · One-Liner charged Golden Shower for his artistic grace and balance, worthy of Strictly, during his fall whilst still managing not to spill a drop of the beer he was holding (now there’s a Hasher through and through!).

  • · Wee Willie charged Sauerkraut for the heinous crime of running across the golf course.

  • · T-Rex Cock charged TBT for horn abuse: having used it to mark a check.

  • · TBT would have charged Duracell Bunny, who, despite having lived a couple of miles away from the run site for most of her life, failed to arrive on time because she couldn’t access sat nav of her phone to direct her! But she hadn’t made the Closing Circle either. Duracell failure.

In return for donations to the Teddington Trust, the Hares offered rolls, unfortunately only of the food kind!

On! On! TBT

Down down at the start to JC because he needs his carer to remind him where he’s going on holiday; NOT Austria, not Switzerland, but Italy.

Golden Shower got into a challenging dialogue with seven year old Alexandra and became slightly un-nerved, but he won the day when he asked her to choose the scribe. Unfortunately she chose me (NotDot) and I was given the hi-vis yellow off the shoulder number, a useless horn, and a down down (for my birthday). No pencil or paper, and besides I’m always well adrift at the back, so this record of events will be (almost) totally made up.

Well, the car park was at the bottom of Brimmond Hill, so we had to all the way up, right? Wrong- back check. Very cynical Bin Liner! Then JC led us on a flourless falsie on the way down. Most of the run was actually somewhere totally different, but definitely somewhere covered in trees, trees and more trees, and a fair bit of mud. May have been the Amazon rainforest- this was evidenced by the painted natives waving spears at us on the first check, the crowds of piranhas in the river at the second, and the spectacular waterfalls at the third. Did seem a bit cold though. The beach at the fourth was very nice, and the bar in the woods was handing out free rum cocktails.

At the rum cocktail/beer/sweetie check, Gandalf appeared- no don’t be silly it was really Aids with a tree trunk. When fighting off some natives who looked like they wanted to capture us, Bin Liner swung a couple of tree trunks a bit too hard and knocked out Ballerina. Turned out the natives just wanted to steal our gloves, but Boston saved the day by capturing a glove and tossing it around until it got back to its owner.

The plane landed us all safely back at base (of Brimmond Hill), where Barbarella stood in for Sir Dedmund and gave us a horrible history of run 1903: first flight by the Wright Brothers, the birth of Aberdeen Football Club, and the main event- a whole skeleton of the (dead) hasher Cheddar Man was found in Cheddar Gorge.

Down downs went to:

· All the Townsends (there were many of them) for streaking past everybody else and generally having long legs in their blue genes

· Tonto for trying to outrun the rest of his family

· The tree fellers (although there were four of them)

· Hippo for dancing at the ceilidh with a crocked back and knee

· Other ceilidh dancers for generally having fun

· Mrs T for filling ceilidh tables and making lots of money for the charity organisers

· Struth for chatting in the circle

· Gloria for being unknown by Numbskull--- we really need to give Gloria a hash name

· Biggles for being glued to the cup final on the telly on his darling gorgeous wife’s birthday (moi!)

And as a first, Fifi did not get a downdown for anything that Boston did!

Your ‘umble scribe!

Not Dot

The slow cold wind brushing through trees of the thick forest made most of us aware that we required more than just a shirt. That is apart from one youngster who chose to go light, but about 10 minutes in he wimped out. There were many dogs on this run, but they didn’t have any need for shirts, apart from one that had a jumper. As we ran up the hill at the start of the trail we pass via cycling trails. The few cyclists that were on it were amazed that people this old could run. (This part of the trail is unknown as the scribe had to go back for his jumper. if you are reading this give him a down down. SDH)

Making our way out of the thick forest we found ourselves at the top of the hill with a small castle/look out point/ folly type thing. We only waited there a few minutes as the run seem to not sweat the slow runners (This was the sweetie stop but the scribe didn’t know about this because he must be blind or something. SDH).

Running down the last section of the trail we took the longest way down over rocks that made it uncomfortable to run down.

We arrived at the circle where we enjoyed a history lesson.

A grand scholar correctly guessed what year the teddy bear was invented. amazingly it was the year of the run number. wow.

The Teddy Bear was invented in 1901 and named after the US President Theodore Roosevelt, following an incident when a bear was tied to a tree, so he could shoot it. He was given the handle Teddy Bear which he hated. Billions of cuddly Teddy bears have been made in his honour.

If you go down in the woods today

You're sure of a big surprise

If you go down in the woods today

You'd better go in disguise!

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain

Because today's the day the

Teddy Bears have their picnic

Hash Scribe

LBS

Well I asked for it, with an average hash pack of 25 that every doing 2 scribes a year so only one more to go. Doing the RA duty at least I should remember a bit of what happens so here goes!

T’was a bright and unusually warm November day as I drove over to Kemnay, it seemed a while since I last hashed here so a great expectation was budding up as I approached the ON ON for once an ample sized car park. A good pack must be 30 + had now assembled. GM called us to order, the welcome address initially mentioning the 11^th of the 11^th till we reminded him that was last weeks run. Yes, we had returners, a new runner and visitors or was that last week. Aids relieved GM and awarded the Pre-run down-down to Ballerina aided by Little Shit who between them manged to pour half a flask of Glὓhwein safely contained in a boot

mat, right down into the spare wheel tray. Nice being careful so don’t waste a drop. Next week if its got an

odd taste you know why!

Next up we had a horrible history about Annie Edson Taylor (October 24, 1838 – April 29, 1921) was an American schoolteacher who, on her birthday, October 24, 1901, became the first person to survive a trip over Niagara Falls in a barrel. It does not mention the fate of her husband who put her in the barrel and collected bets on her surviving.

Consequently Egg Foo had a nice wee bonnet to wear in her tribute to this brave lass obvious an early Harriet.

Well, then it was over to the hare, the inscrutable Tonto. Who set the scene creating confusion with a history of checks and spots, just then More Butt streaked past in a shiny red motor closely followed by Bruce Almighty? The Hare now quickly indicating the On On direction and the pack was off charging up wood land way with walkey talky’s taking the forest

road while Bruce was trying to catch Hash cash with his run dues.

Tonto set a cunning trail with 1^st check taking some breaking before leading off to 2^nd check at this point The Penguin bladder gave out

To another hill only some of the pack felt they needed to do an extra loop without flour I won’t mention too many names, Barbarella knows who they are. This pattern seemed to be repeating again and again as the Trail circled round. Tonto was heard to mention that one liner must have been following Egg Foo’s pheromones as what-ever direction he chose to check out it was the falsely laid by Egg Foo. Eventually we reached the beer stop discreetly hidden in the wood an ample supply of refreshments were provided and only a few 100m from the ON IN. Nobody lost their way and the pack was pretty much together, pretty good trail. Not sure of the Walky talky trail but most seemed to make the beer stop.. It seemed a while before ON ON was called and the flock charged along to the next check for another wait sauerkraut calling On On at first spot causing some confusion eventually Hare pointed to a perfectly good trail up the hill that seemed to have been overlooked by trail veterans. So it was left to the virgin to lead us up the hill.

Back at the ON IN the sun was shining and the pack pretty quickly all congregated around a well-stocked and organised beer wagon. The Beer Masters had it covered well.

After a quick raid on hash beer, Aids convened the circle of shame, the first culprit up being Sauerkraut for still managing to delegate all the household chores to his lady while he goes gallivanting off with the boys. Just you wait to the Harriet’s get hold of her, your soon find out what the scolding pins for!

Next up was a reflection from Aids on how the FRB are hobbling along so that Bruce Almighty and One Liner were travelling along the trail at the same speed! So being trail buddies.

Next up Neil the new runner.

Then Fifi taking it for Boston with Muts Nuts.

Now the charges passed over to this week’s scribe who awarded Cullum a down down for his 2^nd Hash (No you don’t get one every week you turn up).

Then quickly on to Barbarella and Blagger for a Bohemian rhapsody moment which was a pretty good effort don’t give up your day jobs yet.

Then it was The Penguin turn for the bladder moment

More Butt and Bruce Almighty for arriving late.

Shaky wearing Tee Shirt reversed and getting an orgasm over some rusty corrugated iron half buried on the trail.

Ballerina (Earning his Hash citizen award for cleaning up civilian beer cans).

Eveready for the life extending technique of crouching with bum on floor, it looked more like dumping every day. The action then inspired a few other Harriets to go down as well, yes I noticed you Glasgow!

A special mention for Sharnie who whistled up the 1900 cake and never got a piece! (Next time get your piece first, the hungry hoard would not leave a crumb) Seriously thanks on behalf of us all, it was well appreciated.

Not sure now if Drippy Dick and daughter got a down down for returning. It was noticed that drippy was displaying an athletic shirt rather than an inappropriate hash garment looks like you got away with it. Sorry if I missed you out.

Lastly, it was the hares Tonto, Egg Foo assisted by Neil, we all gave the customary appreciation.

Meanwhile, Neil and Egg Foo had prepared a feast of soup, rolls, cheese, and cake in aid of the Alzheimer’s charity. The food was excellent and enjoyed by all. Neil is running the London Marathon next year for this charity. Good on you we all enjoyed your company along with the wee doogy (Ben?) who seemed to make lots of four legged friends as well.

I hope you enjoyed the day as much ae we did well done.

Scribe: Twizzle

The following nonsense is based on my contemporary notes that are now barely comprehendible - any editorial advice welcome! (will do, Ed)

Aids dished out free apples from his magic apple tree (thanks pal).(“Git ure happles ere”! Ed)

Ballerina read a snatch of Robert Binyon’s poem ‘For the Fallen’ and we did a minute silence for remembrance day.

For some unfathomable reason I volunteered to be scribe. It being a milestone run (1900) now looks as tho’ I’d better produce something reasonable.

There was some kind of photo shoot at the beginning in which a civvie was press ganged into pushing the button as being a better choice than LS. (Ha, ha, ha, Ed)

The GM, Wee Wullie (I know who he is now) introduced a returner - Thomas, and new runners - Andrew (hash handle - Saint?) and maybe a Colin.

RA (Aids) awarded pre-run DDs to The Penguin and Binliner for tree felling large parts of Meikle Tulloch woods in an attempt to turn an adequate 10ft gap between the cars into a 20ft gap. The pressganged civvie’s car was then able to leave with a vast space on either side. Hash beer (Drillbit) had not produced any beer for this and was rated ‘stupid’ by the GM.

There was some story from the hare (Sergio) about Twizzle (co-hare?) being telepathic as he was not there when the run was set.

Tia, a Japanese Akita made an appearance courtesy of High Maintenance.

There then ensued a pleasant walk up and around the woods. I forced my way stoically (you’ve never been stoic. Ed) through impenetrable forest for a short cut only to come out behind the walkie-talkies who had taken the long way round. Then I seemed to be somewhat separated from the pack with only Pink Panther and Thomas for company. Thomas got a severe lecture from PP on the merits of being off trial with me for a guide (as you do). Must admit that Sergio’s map and my track recording bear little resemblance.

Then to the circle where we had 1900^th birthday cake.

DDs and stuff (in no particular order):

- Tonto for having T-shirt from 25 Jan 1985 Run No 1

- Olymprick for selling 2^nd hand clothes

- Late comers - someone who accepted lift from Struth, someone who was stuck behind

- JC, someone who had to pick up Janice, and

- Roger no More who couldn’t be arsed (or something like that)

- Eveready for being like ET in a blanket

- Janice had a hash handle naming session - she is henceforth ‘Keeps on Cumin’. She was lucky not to be named ‘Old Boiler’ after an item recovered from the woods.

- Fireflaps for becoming a grandmother because her kids’ guinea pig had shagged her pal Paul’s piggy and it then produced a baby piggy. Congratulations - mother and baby and grandma all doing well!

- Sir Deadmund did a horrible history - see below

- One liner for some kind of anniversary and for fondling Aid’s arse

- Andrew for skipping the circle to eat something delicious in his car

- Ballerina for collecting spare front bumper - and then taking it home?

- Hippo for opening door through which a dog (Boston) pissed and FiFi for allowing this

- Sergio for haring - round of applause for good run.

Special mention of PP’s noble efforts to clear Meikle Tulloch woods of lots of discarded rubbish.

After the run, we all went off to the Old School House in Aberdeen where the manager got quite excited about me and Flap’s drinking at the bar while her kids were sat on their own enjoying food. Personally, couldn’t quite grasp the problem - they’re not mine!

After that, apparently went to see ‘The Grinch’ and had a good kip. Was joined on the bus home by Sergio and Drillbit and Shaky - and so to bed. Happy days!!!

Nummers

(Not bad, it’s good to see that the lead in your pencil didn’t run out. Ed)

….. and now (yawn!!)

Horrible History Lesson for Run 1900 (courtesy of Sir Deadmund).

Do you want to know the historical significance of Run 1900? Almost everyone!

1900 was the year of the great beer disaster.

A new and upcoming brewery - the Brew Dog of its day - introduced a new and extremely popular beer.

The great taste was caused by the secret added ingredient - arsenic!

6000 beer drinkers became ill. 70 died.

Hashing was set back 3 decades and had to be reinvented in Malaysia.

This is the reason why we have crap beer on the hash.

Sir D

An excellent collection of Halloween costumes were milling about at the

Torphins Town Hall car park, so easy to find the hash this week. There were lots of witches' hats, some very strange looking individuals, including Beetlejuice aka Shaky. How he managed to drive from Banchory to Torphins dressed like that without getting arrested escapes me. We welcomed Longshanks back, after many months in foreign climes.

GM is double-hatting today, due to his (my) forgetting to appoint a hash scribe... so here goes.

Hash headed off, disappearing in all directions, but ultimately heading south over the Beltie Burn, into some lovely country side, past fields with lots of beasties, including many cute Shetland ponies. There were also a few gates to manage, some hashers were better at this than others, seems that our illustrious RA(Aids) hadn't worked out how they worked, he seemed also to have problems with his limbs, as there were apparently numerous falls, or so I have been (un)reliably informed.

Interesting fact about Torphins, for the learned amongst us:

It was once serve by the Great North of Scotland Railway, and Queen Vic's train would have puffed through the village on the way to her pad at Balmoral. Apparently the Laird of Kincardine O'Neil told the Great North of Scotland Railway Company to get st*ffed, so the railway line had to dogleg around his estate, hence it going through Torphins. So now you know.

So, back to the hash.

Early on the trail had discussion with the hash 'lost property' executive, Eveready, who was keen to find the owner of a green hat. She was very conscientious on the trail, consulting all hashers to see if they had lost the said garment. She even tried to give it to OneLiner, who had informed her that one of his horns was missing. But no, he didn't want a green hat instead.

We had two checks; choc and whisky check (not malt, unfortunately), and beer check, an excellent selection of beverages.

I was informed by somebody that Tonto did something on the run, but as I didn't write it down it shall remain unknown to all except Tonto.

So, back to the car park and a mega-DD session:

• Hippo - for being bionic; also Struth for writing something about Hippo for the wrong hash.

• Smurf - had DD for breaking a gate on the run, though she did manage to fix it.

• There were multiple DDs for misdemeanours at the recent hash pensioners' lunch, most of which seemed to be around alcohol abuse (apart from Drillbit - olive oil abuse). We learned about some new Hungarian whiskies, which Little Shit, Drillbit, Numskull, Sour Kraut, others? consumed rather a lot of- the famous Makalan & No Can Do (work it out!). The most heinous misdemeanour was by Biggles - Makalan spillage.

• Numbskull - also got a DD for drinking chianti- the waiter was most perturbed- 'In Spain we don't call this wine', he said.

• Fifi and Boston for fence abuse (or was it dog abuse?)

• Muff Diver - was also awarded, can't remember why, maybe something to do with a zombie.

• The assembled hash were asked to select best costume from Sharnie, All Because, Panty Pockets, Shaky, Hippo, Ballerina - who was re-joined with his green hat!

• Eveready was also awarded for looking after the hat.

• The hash were so impressed with all the outfits that all were awarded the first prize (or all were told there was no prize, one of the two).

• Mad King George, Bin Liner for minimal Halloween effort awards.

• Panty Pockets and Bag O Bones for being unable to speak to a bank manager.

• Muff Diver - I've written down 'never trust a policeman', who knows what the context is...

• GM (of couse) for forgetting to appoint the scribe.

• Red Stripe and Janis for an excellent trail.

Then it was onon to the Learney Arms, where the hash descended en mass to order lots of food and drink.

And in conclusion- did you know that the Learney Arms Has been a pub for 200 years- it was nearly lost to us as it was going to be turned into flats until the cooncil rebelled, and just as well they did. Worth a repeat visit!

OnOn

Wee Willie

We all assembled in the rain, to Pink Panther saying the weather was same as her last run; Not to be outdone, she had resorted to her trademark pink flour - a very fetching colour! We scrambled up through the woods, and on along the road to enjoy a trail through woodland, forest trails and great autumn scenery.

Fortunately the rain went off, and as a bonus we were treated to a great sweetie stop later in the run. Our youngest hasher Sparkle was spotted giving sweeties to all the older guys on the hash - (usually the other way round!).

Back through the forest, good spot for beer check, then a meander back to the circle and a great set of Down downs went to:

• Sparkle - wearing new shoes on hash - lucky to drink her down-down out of a cup in her shoe!

• One Liner - telling Skinny Witch he was working while actually whacking his balls round a golf course

• Wet bums - Prickly Bush, Sharnie and Struth who slipped, tripped or back-flipped on the hash run

• Barbarella - flaunting his AH3 T-shirt from running Algarve hash while on holiday in Portugal

• Wee Willie - inaugurated as new hash GM " by the Power of Numskull" flashing his T-shirt

• Sir Deadmund Hillary - down-down for extra-long Horrible history before run

• Smiler - waving her chestnuts at people, asking them to look at her testicles (!)

• Hippo - for wearing a strange contraption under his leggings, claiming it "keeps him upright"

• Visitors - Twitcher, Beer Boy and Sparkle, Stainless and Pig Iron's daughter and kids.

• Pink Panther - for her customary great run through Drumtochty Glen

Off we went to the Station Hotel in Stoney, where Muff Diver, Sir Deadmund Hillary, Drillbit and Struth were joined by Fire Flaps!

Cheers and On On

Struth

Having been nominated by my loving life partner to be this week's scribe (why did that not backfire?), I was duly handed a nifty little off the shoulder number in dayglo yellow, and a small horn. Wouldn't a pen and paper be more useful?

Hippo got the pre start down down for making a splashing entrance and led the pack off like the Pied Piper of Fetteresso, dragging dogs (6), children (about 30) and Rats (1) in his wake.

No sign of JC and Fifi at the start as usual, but after half an hour, JC popped up on the trail - does he sleep in a rabbit hole overnight?

The pack kept together pretty well due to frequent checks (one inside a wheely bin) and being slowed down by snaking back and forward across a wall/ barbed wire.

Hippo thought he was in his native Yorkshire when he saw a drystane dyke that needing fixing: 'Does tha know 'ow t'fix this? Jest get t'right size o'stone, see, 'n' push it tight?'

At the beer and sweetie stop Olymprick tried to guide a plane down into the field by waving his arms about in something akin to the semaphore I learned in the Girl Guides, but all he could attract were some strays of the walkie talkie section. Rats decided to chat up a blonde woman with a large nervous dog, which caused havoc in our dog pack.

Back at the circle, down downs went to (in no particular order):

Amsterdam Smurf for cakes and gathering guesses for her time at the Amsterdam marathon

• Afferheed (new hash name?) for running 60km in the rain the day before the hash

• Killer's 9th birthday, then All Dog Owners drink

• Rats for aforesaid blonde lady with large

• Pink Panther for not knowing that JC had been horny for about 20 years

• Sergio for new shoes with soles full o'shit

• Hippo for aforesaid drystone dyke AND for his roboleg

• Little Shit got back to Aberdeen Hash of old and kicked muddy puddle on Hippo again, was rewarded with a muddy puddle down, which he threw at Hippo and Biggles

• Numbskull turned up with an electric bike with a flat tyre, and got down downed for not realising that Aberdeen airport can be bypassed on route from Australia to Italy

And the hares;;; Well done Fireflaps - ! Excellent running hash!

Announcements were:

Mrs T - ceilidh 30th November at Westhill

Pink Panther - walk 24th October at Edzell

Little Shit - 26th October lunch at Amarone

Halloween dress run date TBA

Gartly , Hah ! - miles from there !

Anyway - having negotiated some questionable signage on the A97, I (and others similarly afflicted) eventually scraped into the Coynachie Car Park just on time to Circle up with our esteemed Friends from the North.

The weather had even less idea what it wanted to do than we did; but while we all thought about it, the GM had a brilliant idea.

And so here I am furiously tapping away at a keyboard trying to get this done before Run 1895 gets underway at the House Elf`s Place on the Lang Stracht tomorrow.

The award of the pre-run Down Down took some organising amidst some debate as to whether AH3 could supply the beer or we`d cadge some from Elgin instead. So you`d almost imagine I could remember who got it; and why. I`m sure it was well deserved and all for a jolly good reason too. So well done to whoever drank it.

Well done too to McCavity who set a belter of a run up the Hill and through some general woodland to a lovely View Point Beer stop. I got there just ahead of the pack and was rewarded for my geriatric athleticism with having to scamper down the hill to assist Bodsa in heaving the consumables up from their hiding place to the standing stone/seat where we congregated. This was a lovely break in the sun (which had shown up again by then) with a great selection of craft ales hidden in plain sight amongst the other less notable but equally consumable comestibles.

The Hash Horn was hidden in plain sight too while I used both hands to drink my Ghost Ale. But thank heavens for the kindly souls of AH3 who ushered it back to safety on my behalf while I worried myself to near insanity over what to do about it`s loss.

Back down the path to the car park again for a wonderful circle which culminated in Bodsa breaking the 5 loaves with tuna etc, etc and slaying the 2 fishes into her fantastic soup. Above and beyond or what?

Down downs amid much hilarity, awarded to: - (in no particular order)

• H2o from Elgin on her 250th run.

• Always one to go one (or 50 !) better, McCavity for his 300th.

• Toy Boy Tom and T Rex Cock for shenanigans on the A96 which somehow involved me too. Well who knew?

• Tonto - probably something to do with an electric car. After all, everything is these days. Unless it`s Brexit of course.

• McCavity, Bodsa, Little Shit and Sharnie for making it safely home from Malaysia .

• Drillbit and a Virgin male. Somehow connected but long gone from my memory in what way.

• Ballerina for the amazing 3 Forth Bridge Marathon on his recent return from "Daaaaan Saaarf" in the "Nawf of Engerland".

The journey home was easier because we all knew the correct way back after having checked every possible local road on the way in

On On

OneLiner

A good crowd of Hashers harried many bemused dog walkers out of the overflowing car park on a stunningly bright chilly morning with great views across the city to Trump's detested turbines (powering we're told up to 70% of the city's needs).

In the absence of Scribe shirt; Horn yours truly was lumbered for the crime of wearing blue.

The 'Orrribbble 'Istory revealed that 1893 was the year Happy Birthday was composed to become the highest ever earner of music royalties. Staying with the anniversary theme, our esteemed Harriette Hare was sporting an AH3 400th T-Shirt (not hers) of 23 Sept 1998 when she was, No! Not Hashing!, but sprogging a mini Hasher.

Another AH3 anniversary - 1900th Run - is to be celebrated on Sunday 11 November in appropriately Hashy manner yet to be decided by new Mismanagement and newly co-opted Social Secretary.

The varied interesting trail through woods, fields, over gates; trees, but only 1 barbed fence, had runners ; walkie-talkies neatly intersecting at times, as should happen on every trail.

In the Circle JC was berated for being a late cummer and going straight to the Prince Consort's monument/viewpoint, presuming, erroneously, it to be the beer/sweetie stop.

Hippo apparently managed to fall three times despite the complex scaffolding holding his left leg in place. In a fit of pique he then announced that he Mrs T would not be hosting the Hash Hogmanay.

The coveted Roman Polanksi award went to Barbarella.

There was sex-on-the-Hash and others whose Hash Handles ; misdemeanours escaped me but they know who they were.

On On

Panty Pockets

The ramblings and half remembered recollections of a Fireflaps:

A sweaty coach journey provoked a dose from Stoner before we’d even reached the next stop, where we witnessed several hashers playing dodge the car across the busy dual carriageway with very little evidence of any kind of urgency.

On alighting, two pre-run down downs were awarded to Shaky (for needing a piss less than a minute after getting on the bus) and Wee Willie for being an annoying flap by being both the last person on and the last person off the bus.

There was then a nice little interlude of arguing between the co-hares Little Shit and Barbarella about the nature of the run they had apparently laid together, at which point the restless pack topped listening and the run commenced at a timely 11.30 GMT…

At this point the scribe was more intent on a) moving forwards and b) not falling over, than paying any attention to where she was, but recollections of frisky cows are notable and many frolics occurred at the erection on the top of the big hill (can it be noted that Aids did make it thus far)

The pack descended to the waiting coach and had various responses to the fact that this was indeed the end of the line (lots of pretence of disappointment that it was only 5 miles from those enthusiastically glugging another beer in celebration). Thrupenny Bits marked the occasion by thieving the last cider that Canna Be Arsed had been gallant enough to carry back down the hill.

Onwards to T-Rex Cock ; Hen’s (and before I forget, what mighty fine hosts – thank you!) and on to an extensive roll of down downs:

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this scribe may or may not be fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Etc.

Awards for running lots of runs went to Anti Pockets? (I hadn’t started listening properly at this point… I got better honest) and Its All Because

• • Hash Christenings given to Papa Smurf and Delicious – welcome to the fold!

  • Ballerina was apparently romantic AND had a ‘spunky head’ (according to Hippo)

  • Canna Be Arsed seemed to have no idea who had laid the fooking trail and/or not know the difference between a Barbarella or a Ballerina

  • Whinger got confused as to whether he was on a Saga bus tour or an AGPU (it’s still not become clear which)

  • It was witnessed that despite advice to go easy around any livestock, Sir Deadmund Hillary decided to traverse the fields whipping the cows

  • Wee Willie and Its All Because were singled out for not locating the correct bus pick up point (although somehow still managed to get on it)

Unfathomably (I’d had the best part of a bottle of red by this point)

• • Bruce Almighty was given a down down for Scotlands ladies making it through to the World Cup

  • Thrupenny Bits apparently asked “what is Shaky’s hash handle” in a moment of blonde-ness

  • Goat Wrestler was chastised for being a cycling athlete

  • Barbarella was castigated for forcing poor naïve FRBs to complete a back check (isn’t that what they are for?)

  • Twizzle was unreasonably punished for making notes on what he’d like to impart in the circle (we can’t all have the amazing memory capacity of current scribe for such matters…)

  • Smurf, Stoney and Delicious were all reprimanded for climbing on a historic monument

  • Twizzle was again unreasonably punished further for losing £15 (but at least got it back)

  • Fireflaps and Red Stripe were awarded for letting the pack know where to go next by means of certain cold pointy bits of their anatomy

  • Drillbit, Sharnie and Whinger seemed to think it necessary to phone for permission at the railway line

At this point, Bogbrush fell asleep in the circle… (possibly the youngest hasher there? Dear me.)

• • Barbarian entered the circle just to make sure we all knew who Barbarian was

  • And the Hares… And the Hares….etc - Little Shit and Barbarella

  • Ballerina saved Mad King George from Singapore (I now have no idea what my notes mean – I can only hope some of you do. Apparently at this point I started to have a little headache and my next notes were “MY LIFE…”)

  • Struth – flirted with a civilian (why is this news?)

  • Cinders was rewarded for managing to convince Aids that she isn’t very expensive

  • Aids was then drawn in and made to drink copiously for having the gall to be ill and not be able to RA

  • Sir Deadmund Hillary then DID NOT LISTEN and was RUDE (capitals recreated from my notes) for asking where the ‘real’ RA was

And then thank heavens above it was time for the glorious food provided by Bridget – the angel of all that glug red wine for too long in a hash circle.

Some money talk from Little Shit ensued which I must admit to not paying much attention to. Suffice to say we’re not bankrupt or destitute (or prostitute) yet.

And onwards to some awards – which appeared to get increasingly moist thanks to Canna Be Arsed…

Lots of people awarded for having no life and doing lots of runs, Shiggy Dick somehow won two awards in one year which seems unfeasible but I was into my second bottle of red by this point. Lots of other hashers apparently ran lots too.

Shit run of the year – Toy Boy Tom (he blames the weather apparently)

Most runs laid (no account on whether they were any good or not) – Barbarella, Prickly Bush, Sergio, JC, Little Shit ; Sharnie

Absent Friends – Wotzoff ; Two Moons

Run of the Year – Fireflaps ; Numbskull – Wotzoff’s Memorial Run

No Scribe – Drillbit, Barbarella, Wee Willie, Papa Smurf, High Maintenance (and here’s me scribing into the wee small hours on the day of the hash…. Port helps. Top tip.)

“Fuck all” – To Struth , Bruce Almighty, Shit Boyfriend and Thrupenny Bits. SHAME ON YOU

Nosh of the year – Quite obviously Bridget

Hash shit – Barbarella. Not sure why but I’m sure we all have our reasons.

We then farewelled the shit committee and introduced an equally inept one:

GM – Wee Willie

RA – Aids, Twizzle (was it? I think it was) ; Canna Be Arsed

Hash Cash – Sharnie

Social Sex – Eveready (with the overseeing and stable eye of Numbskull)

Hash Beer – The very benevolent Ballerina and Drillbit – thanks guys

OnSec/Web – Little Shit

Lots of water was ‘spilt’ throughout and the last word I noted down on my phone was ‘debacle’ which pretty much sums it up.

Flaps x

Started to feel guilt, but it's never too late for the guilty to do penance! Having given Sharnie the Hash Scribe for sorting cash out while the GM was speaking, a crime in its self I promptly handed over the scribing duty. Not considering the mitigating factors, such as late comers and a crocked ankle, I thought as the best part of valour to actually try and write one up.

Based on fb picture evidence, pre-run down downs were given to:

Red Stripe, I suppose cos' Red Stripe is Red Stripe.

Shiggie Dick for 25 trails with Aberdeen H3, well done that man!

A pleasant last Monday trail, taking in Cove and Altens, with views of the coast.

Along the cliff paths, Through Doonies Farm up past Cat and Barrons Cairn.

As usual there was a walkie, talkie section, those who fancied a jog and those that went for the burn. Remarkably the pack stayed within shouting distance of each other. So having listened and carefully remembered all that was said either in jest or truth I reveal all below.

• Toy Boy Tom explained a few enjoyable things in life, "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

• Smurf - "I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone."

• Prickly Bush - "You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon."

• Canna-b-Arsed - "My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue - completely pale, no arms

• Fire Flaps - on her early life, "I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months."

• Drillbit - "I used to be addicted to swimming but I'm very proud to say I've been dry for six years."

• Sergio - "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?"

• Sauerkraut - a word to the wise, "Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it's probably shit."

• Struth - "My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that's how he lost his job in disaster relief."

• Wee Willie - "My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger."

• Barbarella - bemoaning the ARI parking commented "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

• Binliner - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

• Ballerina - "Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria."

• Bog Brush - said in passing, "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time."

• T-Rex Cock - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

• The Penguin - reminising on life, "When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born."

• Bag O Bones - thinks he's now gown out of it, “I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never; lure them into my car. No, I'm kidding; I don't have a licence."

• Panty Pockets, - "My husband's penis is like a semi colon. I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway."

• Thruppney Bits – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my brother."

Yur 'umble scribe

LS

The run started with pre-historical update from Hillary, telling us the major events that happened in 1889. The main highlight was the Eiffel tower and its entrance to exposition universelle in 1889 (aka Inauguration). Funny comment was made how Eiffel tower only took just over two years from plan to execution, whereas modern technology based engineering take longer. Few newbies and returners were among the many that attended this event which was meticulously laid by hare, Sauerkraut.

Where shall I begin? I had just done a ½ marathon and had no intent to run on this day. Someone thought it was a good idea to give me scribe task. "Oh dear!" was my reaction. Well it's fair to say I paid so little attention to what was going on around me except playing with the little

loud horn. Enjoyed it too much! (got to be a handle in this somewhere? Ed) Few falls and few invention of how to do the next run (rolling down the hills).

Post run down downs:

• Disgruntled solar car driver - Tonto

• Banned, snoring drunk hasher - Numbskull

• Lost scarf found and the hubby didn't even know it was his wife's - Hillary

• Hash is for those people with drinking habit with running problem (great run ; ultra-marathon)

• Sherlock didn't come to hash and is in Orkney chasing Moriarty. T-Rex Cock

• Beer check beer (international beer tiger signed beer) the highlight of the down down, someone questioning the alcohol authenticity of "is this a real bear?"-Time for a tiger. Eveready

• Newbie runner developing a new technique of running: Innovative

New runners and returners

Scribe:

Delina

A huge pack descended on Stonehaven Market place to remember one of our fallen "Watzoff" it was fitting that the turnout probably broke the hash cash record book at least for the last few years. Sixty nine handles or names were logged in Sharnie's Ledger and the market car park was full to capacity.

At the anointed 19.00, GM called the pack to order and we welcomed five or six new runners and three visitors from EH3. Somehow I got the scribe vest and horn but no writing implements thus I am having to rely on a pensioners memory of the evenings events. Four awards were given, followed by the obligatory Pre-run down downs to;-

• Smurf rocketing to a 100 runs got her first AH3 fleece

• Hillary bagging 600 runs thought he was awarded some headgear

• Olymprick snatching 900 runs showing plenty of skin in the circle with his Polo shirt which actually fitted

• Ben "Watzoff's son" the prestigious and highly prized 1000 run Tee shirt with the artwork designed by his dad

The hares stepped up proudly stating that the run was set in 80 mins, however this was each and one of them was an electric assisted bike. For the benefit of the new runners the trail code signs were explained and we set off towards the beach.

Reaching the first check initially the On On was quickly called in Cowie direction, of course this turned out to be a back check with the FRB now running back through the walky-talkers the large number created quite a spectacle. On run was quickly called in shore head direction and the pack spread out. Canadian club managed some thirst quenching at the marine and Ballerina suffered cramp that needed a good rubbing by a Harriet before he could continue. (Sorry should have given them downdowns).

The first attempt scaling Bervie Brae turned into a back check and we mingled round back of the town hall until the 2^nd climb up the Brea and then to the war memorial.

We all gathered for a Whisky Mac stop and many toast to the passing of Watzoff. Shit Boyfriend was the last to make it and still managed a dram. We set off down from the memorial to the road with the next check in the direction of the Dunnottar castle this sucked in a few FRBs but the trail headed in direction of the woods.

The check past the farm created considerable confusion with many hashers determined it would be down side of this field despite no flour! This point turned out to be the hare trail split eventually it was broken and we headed down across the hill road into Dunnottar woods. By this time we seemed to have two packs, the scribe reporting from the rear-guard soon lost sight of the front pack, and no idea how they made it to the beer stop at FireFlappers.

The woodland trail was a classic of 5 river crossing, several hashers got brown bums descending into the ravines as we all now had wet feet making the steep hill climbs challenging without good tread grip, slick bottom trainers are no use on the Hash!). Eventually we lost flour and even the hare admitted to losing the trail we eventually found more flour complete with checks were unbroken so a different route must have been followed by the FRB pack.

Eventually the rear-guard emerged from the now darkening woods following the trail leading to the Beer stop at the Hares residence.

A truly magnificent selection of Ales, gin, Bubbly plus gastronomic nibbles was available, shame I was on a dry zero day. After a while the stragglers still following trail made it to in. Daylight was starting to fade and those who had not made it on where moaning down at the ON ON. Fire Flaps called time and we set off down the windy hill to the circle to the re-join the pack.

Aids left it long enough before calling the circle to order:

• and Drillbit was singled out for a down down for some stupidity. It was a good story!

• The next downs went to Septic, Megasorearse and ASBO who had to borrow clothes and trainers as never thought to bring them Watzoff's life celebration.

• This was followed by Aids getting a down-down for claiming his government pension.

• A horrible history lesson orated by Sir Deadman Hillary.

• The next down downs were the new runners all 6 or 7 of them of them, followed by the visitors again, then the returners Trouser Shredder, Canadian Club, Canna-be-arsed.

• Followed by a bit of a Ballerina and Stoner having who could make the biggest rock splash!

• A charge from the circle was brought by Barbarella for Twizzle and then a charge against a yet unnamed Harriet for leaving purse in bar and managing to travel to Keith on replacement bus with no money or rail ticket.

Finally the hares were awarded due down downs a great memorable run.

Just as the circle was finishing Gusset who had been offshore and our son arrived to catch up with the gossip etc. Fortunately that allowed me to stay with the 8 or 9 stragglers who retired to the shelter and warmth of the Market Bar an excellent last minute choice to finish off a fitting memorial trail.

Panmure Gardens, Potterton was new territory for most of the Hashers.

Congratulations to Barbarella for coming up with fresh territory for a Hash.

The GM had to delay calling the circle because the hare was missing. Poor old Barbarella finally arrived ten minutes late because of last minute amendments to the run caused by a farmer introducing cattle into the intended hash route.

At the pre run circle a new runner, Ben, was introduced. He had been brought along by James (note: James has still not been given a handle).

• 25 run T-shirt was awarded to Threesome.

• A pre-run down-down was given to Olymprick; he had been trying to meet Eveready on the train to a hash event down south, in order to give her an obscene tee shirt that he thought she should wear. Only trouble was Eveready went by plane!

The run started off in the wrong direction with an early back check, before heading off along the road. The trail then went across fields of stubble and along farm tracks. The ground was hard and dry because of the sunny and dry weather we have had; on a normal day this ground would have been deep shiggy. The run went through pleasant woodland, sometimes following tracks sometimes wild meandering, and along single track roads.

At one point there was a short run or long run split. I chose the long run but soon ran out of flour and thought I had lost the trail. So a few of us made the mistake of turning back and followed the short run. The hare had been exceedingly generous by providing two stops; a whisky/proseco stop and a beer stop. The whisky stop was alongside the newly opened northern leg of the AWPR. The long run required the hashers to cross this road; either by wading through the culvert or by braving the traffic. Fortunately there was hardly any traffic.

At the post run circle it was with deep regret that we were advised of the recent loss of Watzoff due to cancer. He was a great ambassador for hashing and admired by all; a legend!

Post run down downs were awarded:

• Ben. For smashing a glass bottle of beer. And James for not taking sufficient care of his new hasher.

• Toy Boy Tom. For the use of excessive hand signals instead of hollering "on-on". Plus something to do with bumping into the beautiful arse of a Harriet bent double tying her shoelace?

• High Maintenance. Complaining about the cold.

• Barbarella, Struth, Binliner; Tonto. For dawdling and arriving late at the post run circle.

Scribe: Bin Liner

Started dry at the short circle where Peruvian representation was quickly identified and acknowledged along with others. The assembled crowd listened with bated breath as Barbarella recounted the 1884 "Horrible History". We were reminded that that year will be forever commemorated as the year the football home championships were established. Barbarella informed his captivated audience that Scotland had prevailed in those early competitions. Sadly, our National team have had difficulty repeating their early successes for as long as I can remember.

Little Shit kindly passed the horn and reflective "scribe" jacket which I wore with a certain pride and a tear in my eye. It almost certainly prevented me getting run over on my bike. Almost matched my cycling helmet.

I realised this dubious honour afforded me a certain power which I could wield for good or bad on the unsuspecting [sinister, dastardly laugh]. Unfortunately, I know so few Hash tags, I can't really spill the beans on folk.

The assembled party set off West and rapidly worked their way to the A93 in centre of the metropolis that is Culter. The route continued slowly uphill, winding through the backstreets with regular checks and false trails.

Very early on, I realised the use of a bicycle was frowned upon and sensed the alienation, resentment and envy from certain long-standing members who were growing tired and emotional in the prevailing Culter heat and humidity. To my surprise, despite the muggy conditions, no insects bothered me, unlike the last few Hashes I've attended.

Managed to cycle pretty much most of the long run. Only occasionally pushing the bike uphill/downhill as we rose on good, dry paths punctuated with checks through woods. There was the usual piss and shortcut-taking (including me) but the Hare kept us on track and eventually, we all arrived at the balmy summit almost simultaneously. We set off downhill, mainly through attractive woodland, occasional road walking and fewer checks. Sauerkraut, Cinders and I witnessed a young boy hole the most unlikely approach shot on the golf course above us and his whole extended family accompanying him, went wild.

Just as I thought I was beginning to understand Hashing, its symbols and bizarre rituals, I began to realise just how little I knew about this tribe. Indeed on this occasion, I had great difficulty in getting into the mind-set wrt false trails etc. of Tom Boy Tom. Occasionally, I found myself going over bumps and unintentionally parping the horn. Notwithstanding, it was an undoubtedly excellent, varied route with legal challenges that pushed the AWPR boundaries to boot!

Later in the cycle, a very helpful hasher just back from the Canadian end of the continent, well North of Peru, shared her new-found wilderness knowledge regarding following bear shit on the trail. Coincidentally, there appeared great piles of faecal matter that lead us along the old railway line. She explained to her relieved companions that "you rarely see bears". A skateboarder approached with a hockey mask, looking a bit like Darth Vader on a Skateboard. There were even the eery, breathing noises as he passed. However, it turned out that was the varying noise from the engine on his powered skateboard.

A lovely detour down to the beer check by the Dee. Plenty of good drinks and victuals carried in and out by our Hare. Smiler told me she had retired only a fortnight before. So, we toasted retirement with a sweet Bavarian non-alcoholic beer at that idyllic spot before heading to the "Smiley". The assembled Hashers were astounded to see a wooden Spanish Galleon aground on the opposite bank. Romantically, the walkers, runners and solitary cyclist all took the lover's walk together back to the site of the Culter railway station.

In the circle, there were the usual recognitions.

Barbarella and the RA compared their contrasting leg tans.

An orange XXL Hash T-shirt was auctioned for charity. The RA bid the princely sum of £10 and put it on. A theme of Health and Safety was developing in the circle. The general consensus was that eye protection was absolutely necessary to shield our eyes from the RAs radiant, white, T-shirt tan, torso. Proceedings were somewhat curtailed at the circle by a down-downpour and heavy rain caused the warm, wet circle to be adjourned (on advice from the Health and Safety expert present) and drove the good people to hostelries or home.

Scribe.

Martin

Remember the Summer of '76??

I was telling Underlay an extremely interesting fact or two about hashing in Singapore when Little Shit rounded on me and appointed me scribe for the night. It's been a while so I can't complain.

One or two returners were present, and one, Bog Brush, was selected for the pre-run down down. The hare, Pink Panther, gave us a quick rundown of what she described as a short run, laid in the prettiest of pink flour, and with that we were off.

A few were convinced we should head over the bridge towards Danestone and they were right. As soon as we crossed the bridge it was sharp right and down through Ballentyne's car park and on to the river. Along the bank, breaking checks along the way.

Aids chose a left at one such check and I followed along with T Rex Cock and Sherlock. Not many others went in our direction. After a few hundred yards we picked up flour and were on. Another check, open grass between housing schemes and then back across the river. Along the south bank and then right - calls of "On beer" ahead. A big "B" on the ground - but no sign of the amber fluid. It was at the grassy space where there are massive remnants of the old Crombie Mill rusting quietly away. The beer took a while to find, but eventually someone (Papa Smurf?) emerged from the undergrowth with a black bag.

Refreshments were taken - after a little much-needed rain the weather had turned pretty hot once again - it's reminding me of the summer of '76;.. It was some time before the main pack appeared, Toy Boy Tom and Underlay leading the way. Did we miss a bit of the trail, Aids??

The return to the car park was along the river bank - mostly - with one small excursion up and down some rather tricky steep paths.

Once the circle was called we had an 'Orrible 'Istory lesson from T Rex Cock. It sounded like Sunderland's version of the Hillsburgh tragedy where lots of little people got trampled to death trying to be first in the ice-cream queue at the interval at a local theatre. Bring back Sir Deadmund Hillary - his stories are much more cheery.

Down downs went to the "shortcutters" Aids, T Rex Cock and myself – surely this is an accepted part of hashing and hardly a crime - but as Aids was RA he called it on himself!

Toy Boy Tom got one for wearing a (pretentious) marathon-completing t-shirt, and Muff Diver joined him for wearing a "Spain" t-shirt.

Next Thruppeny Bits was called out by Golden Shower for failing to stop and pick him up as she passed him on the way to the run. Twice.

And Bog Brush received another drink on behalf of the returners.

Finally it was the turn of Pink Panther, our hare for the evening. The general opinion was "Well done Pink Panther - a good run amongst well kent trails."

Next week WEAR YOUR 1500TH RUN HOMECOMING T-SHIRT (the grey one)!!!! Don't ask me why - something to do with getting one more run out of them before they self-destruct. A "bad batch" according to Cinders.

ON ON,

SERG

Foolish enough to walk across the front of the GM Little Shit, as he called for the circle, I was instantly nominated to write this weeks' scribe.

No new runners at the start so straight into our 'popular' Horrible History spiel by Sir Deadmund Hillary. Apparently Ned Kelly and his helmet, played by Mick Jagger, was finally captured in Australia.

Tonto explained that his run looked OK on paper. Was it a long one? He did not elaborate!

The pack set off through the back of his garden and instantly into the depths of Kirhill Forest. The Walkie Talkies had been advised to take the short cut from his stables to the first check only 100m away a track which the pack eventually found 10 minutes later after a wee meander through the woods. As the Walkie Talkies had made no effort to check ithis out the pack eventually ventured uphill to finally break the check.

A relatively flat, picturesque trail led to a pleasant glade where two new runners, Ruth and Tina, caught the pack up as we checked it out

This led to the inevitable trek to the top of the hill with all the checks broken by a mystery hasher who was so far ahead nobody knew who it was. We should have known that our newish and now permanent FRB 'Who The F**k' was well ahead.

Thankfully the rest of the run was mostly flat on top of the hill and gently downhill in a big loop around to the new AWPR and the newly landscaped fields on either side of a small stream. As a FRB Walkie Talkie and on the long run, I was last as usual and caught the pack up as they checked the new lanes and bridges over the AWPR. Perfect timing for me as the pack then carried on under the AWPR through a tunnel as large as the Mersey Tunnel to the beer check. We have been through many a culvert bent double, wading undergound and this was an unusual treat for the hash as there was even brand new path without the need to bend.

Plenty of beer and softies at the stop and then back through the woods into Tonto’s and Egg Foo’s backyard via the stables.

Egg Foo had fired up the Barbie and was nearly ready for the as usual hungry pack.

Aids and Twizzle were the RA's and awarde several down downs to:

• High Maintenance: the lady in white, for arriving late, missing the run and smartly dressed in white as if she was on her holidays. Unfortunately the sandwich she had made for her lunch had been pinched by Muff Diver’s pet seagull as she left the the kitchen for a minute.

• Sabrina: JC and FI Fi's daughter for bollard bashing.

• Heidi: Returner

• New Runners: Ruth, Tina and Thomas

• Pokey Toes and Shiggy Dick: Sorry, forgotten why!

• Who the F**k: Down downed as 'What the Fuck', a ultra runner showing us all up, breaking the checks 5 minutes mile ahead of the main pack .

• JC: Misplacing his personal mug, keys and phone while on the Shetland Simmer Dim Weekend and not helped at all by his fellow hashers

Tonto and Egg Foo: Thanks for a good run and fine hospitality. Burgers, bonfire, marshmallows and Petanque

On On

Drillbit

"The Twizzle Show"

You could not write the script for this one. I swapped this run date with Pink Panther as I have holiday plans for most of July into August and I wanted to get my second hare in close to my name day for the year? Ok I have the slot now only got to find a location for it. Recalling the fish supper run, few years back why not set off from Brathans Eco park again but do trail in reverse? First challenge the Eco facility manager is on holiday. Head hare is getting nervous, as I am now in IOM watching the 2 wheel leather speed fest. Finally, I get the ok to use the Brathans Eco business centre parking lot on the Monday morning only 7 days before the run date. Head hare now mighty relieved as he can update the web site, and announce On-On location at the run 1878 circle. He pre-empted the On Inn choice even though it was the busiest world cup TV evening. Who would have thought that Banchory had so many Tunisian residents?

So now all I have got to do, is recce and set the trail. Easy! Travelling back from IOM on the 11th I now contracted an insect bite allergy, abscess in tooth face with starting to look like the elephant man and started with a heavy cold. Spent next two days lying in bed with man flue, one less molar, watching hand slowly returning colour to normal! Now run is -4 days, so spent day aimlessly walking in circles at Brathans before my energy banks were depleted and headed back to bed again.

At run -2 days the Recce was completed, all that remains to be done is beer shopping, decide where to set beer stop, lay the flour and organise the On Inn. Previous planning indication of Fish supper or Pizza delivered to site fell on stony ground as chance of getting back to circle by 8.00 was a non starter. So it's back to the old faithful of soup and sandwich at SS. With the Footy now finishing around 9 pm. The 9.30 turn up for scoff was all agreed it is all about the number. Hey, it's starting to come together!

On the day, I started laying the Trail late morning while I was blazing trail through the thick forest the Boss calls, "you have taken the wrong keys I need the car keys back here NOW". So it was retrace steps and back to home base. Some 2 hours later I am back to setting the beer stop and trail with less than 4 hours to circle and beginning to panic. Just about finished trail at 18:30 arrived back at On-On with my car now stranded at top of the first hill. Fortunately, T rex cock turns up and gives me a lift to pick up my car. So we arrive back at the On-On at 18:45. The hashers are now starting to arrive. But wait, where is GM and Hash Cash? Who is going to collect the names and hash funds? Fortunately at about 18:55 Binliner steps up, to start collecting the dosh, while I prepare the Pre-run trays of cake!

So its official Twizzle is now an "OAP" sexagenarian and bringing cakes that do not require teeth to eat it. Much easier to start with cake to give some energy for the trail to follow. No need for setting a cake or sweet stop on the trail. Mind you some of the hashers (I know who you were) must be getting soft or spoiled as heard complaining about being cold at 12C and it was still sunny.

Without the GM to kick the circle off, Twizzle stepped up and called the circle to order, appropriately forgetting to appoint a scribe. The circle welcomed the new runner James, who happens to be Prickly Bush and Shiggy Dick’s seedling, his first hash! After eating three trays of birthday cake there was poor support for soup and sarnies but six hands from the 20 odd in the circle indicated they would visit the ON INN. Twizzle now the RA awarded James with a Pre-run down-down, he did look fast after all. Now it was over to the hare. Yes, its Twizzle again who now introduced a variety of symbols used to distinguish between the direction for the walking trail and running trails.

Eventually, Twizzle pointed to the trail start and the pack was off late 19:15 on a circular trail leading round the Eco park site, then heading to a check half way up the reservoir hill. I was surprised by the time it took for this check to be broken, must have been the false markings left to confuse the unwary, surely it can't be downhill? After confirmed this was correct by the hare, the pack charged off downhill crossed the road to yet another check. The Runners heading into a nasty back check before heading through a cut down section of forest while the walkers then short cut up road to top of hill. The trail then turned back downhill to a branch for walkers to SC left and the runners heading along trail on right. The runners trail led them upwards to the top Brathen woods. Before looping back down again via the Glassol path, eventually returning back to the check that that the walkers went through by the railway line. Turning left towards Glassol the walkers and most of the runners headed up the path through the forest section eventually leading to the trail that went on up to the beer stop, located close by the reservoir. Muff Diver acted as a taxi service bringing his van and the back markers to the beer. There was only a short stroll down the hill track the On In. My GPS recorded a total of 5.5 miles without the false trails.

After a short raid of Hash Beers provisions, the RA Twizzle called the circle to order,

• the first down-down being Toy Boy Tom for making three Harriet's wet simultaneously, T Rex Cock for rescuing Twizzle, followed by:

• Muff Diver, Struth, Drillbit and Twizzle for travelling in the Van of shame. Winger for an early morning attempt in locating the trail,

• More Butt for publishing two books,

• Barbarella for horrible history,

• James the new runner, and finally

Twizzle the Hare and again for a belated Hashy birthday. Obviously a strong contender for the 2018 AGPU best run. The circle closed and the famous five joined Twizzle in Scott Skinners for a birthday treat.

For being late I had the honour of being the scribe. Wee Willie said thanks as he arrived just in front of me. Why was I late cos I knew the time and date; my navigator was missing, grandson sitting. But, we were now totally reliant on my memory as no method of recollection is provided.

Our distinguished leader, attired in fancy new hash shirt from foreign climes, gave the pre-run downdown to Numbskull forbeing Numbskull, who then he gave his best impression of Hillary while giving us the horrible history - the boat race was tied!

Drillbit as hare gave the necessary preamble to the run (4 spots and you're on for this one); we were off! Uphill to start. As a run it was well set and had lots of checks, and the occasional back-check. This resulted in much laughter as a Harriet (name?) was caught pulling her shorts up from a toilet stop in a large Rhodedendrum bush as we all ran back down the path.

She had thought it safe as we were all out of sight ahead of her. Most tracks used were well worn, but there was still through the wood short cuts to be taken, and a severe shortage of nettles, thank you.

Beer stop safely negotiated, we then lost the trail from there, and stumbled our way to the on-in, and a couple of young runners reminded us of what we were formerly capable of as they sprinted home.

Drillbit had provided food and set it up so people were eating and chatting for a while before the circle was eventually called to order, and as it was a nice calm night the midges were out in force. Many hashers had come prepared with a variety of hats and nets on show. Some had the necessary midge deterrent cream, and shared amongst the grateful.

• Eveready and Barbarella as RA's for the night gave the first down-down to the best headgear of the night.

• Shadow the dog's owner earned one cos Shadow didn't shadow her, the 2 new runners were given their welcome drink,

• Ballerina took one for a lovely story about nettle-cures that he told about himself,

• Fireflaps missed a taxi and plane by a day,

• Numbskull for Beaver knowledge (or lack of accurate knowledge),

• Little Shit for shouting 'checking' while on a toilet stop and

• Drillbit for being Hare.

A lovely way to spend a Monday evening.

Scribe

Biggles

New runners were James Russell, a budding IP lawyer from Cults who is now studying in Sweden with his girlfriend. He discovered AH3 via the Meetup site setup by Barbarella. Also attending the hash for the first time (so he claims) was Martin Scoular. Pink Panther made him come.

Also returner Droopy Dick who brought his two kids along. He was there to complain that we had parked next to his house and business (nursery) without permission!

According to the hare this run encompassed "All the treasures of Port Elphinstone: rivers, canals, lochs, streams, woods, railways, tunnels, stone circles, abandoned gardens, hidden structures, standing stones, tunnels, tree-trunk challenges, hog's backs, hidden valleys, walled gardens, a variety of bridges"

But our only memory was nettles, nettles and more nettles! Ballerina produced some dock leaves (commonly known as Rumex obtusifolius) from his underpants for those suffering because they were mad enough to run in shorts. Not Dot complained they were not doc Leaves but Not Dot leaves.

Charges went to Binliner for injuring himself before the first spot of flour.

• Pink Panther for being forcibly removed from a plane because there was something vibrating in her luggage.

• Shiggy Dick got his 60th (or was it 70th?) birthday down down.

• High Maintenance for complaining throughout the run - which was totally out of character for her.

• Numbskull gave a moving tribute to Elaine "Two Moons" Grosvenor, who recently died. Elaine and Brian "Tiger Feet" Yates, have been hashing with AH3 for over 20 years. Many other Hashers and Harriettes said some lovely things including Watzoff who said he hadn't streaked with anyone nicer.

FYI: The funeral is on the 4th June at 1pm at the Church of Latter day Saints on North Anderson Drive.

The RA (Twizzle) asked why T-Rex Cock had called this the Little Big (Horn) Hash. In 1876 gold was found in the Wild West. But is was on land given to the Indians in a Treaty. The US president pulled out of treaty, just had Donald Trump pulls out of treaties today. They sent in the 7th Calvary - 700 men to remove the Indians. The general in charge was General Cluster. But the Indians had other ideas. They attacked and killed Custer, his brother in law, his nephew and his 2 brothers and his men. The battle was called The battle of Little Big Horn.

Trail,

Resembled the streets of San Francisco, being a series of right angle turns around farmers fields. Highlight was when we passed Cammies pub where last time we hashed there, England were going out of the European championship to Iceland. There were 2 beer check groupings, early and late.

Down downs,

• Prickly Bush for giving access to all areas for RAs. Seems that she practices this at home, too.

• Toy Boy Tom for being stroppy about much criticism of last week's trail, then stroppily downed it with tongue in cheek. (i'd have been pretty stroppy too, if i'd followed all of last week's trail)

• Noisy kids for being noisy and running away from their down down so grandpa had to drink it all for them. They should also have been reprimanded for keeping their hands warm on trail by repeatedly slapping Bruce's Almighty arse. (it wasn't me who told them that he might run, if they did, ed.)

• Underlay for being fleeced, without a Pre-Nup. The circle was of the opinion that marriage was bad.

• Barbarella for AH3 hash sign abuse for non AH3 business and Barbarella for having a limp prick and boasting about it on social media.

Did any new friends turn up??

• Olymprick for getting lost despite taking a pic of the village square a few days earlier, but not reading that the start of the run was in Black Street, NOT the village square 20 paces away. also Twizzle, Boneses, Sergio and Hillary who also managed some form of difficulty getting to the On On.

• Glasgow for running from the rain, but not fast enough, and having to phone for roadside assistance.

• Binliner for dog abuse, by bringing one and then abusing one. You wouldn't treat a dog like that.

• Hillary for reading out the wrong HHHorrible history. Perhaps we'll find the North Pole soon.

• Sergio for running diagonals across fields. Whilst the pack had to listen to the farmer bleating on, asking who organised this, as Little Shit and Eveready slunk past and the HiViz man breathed a sigh of relief. One wonders if the farmer noticed the complete lack of eye contact he received.

• Sauerkraut for being a stand inn RA and sending Aids to Nigeria, in response to an email.

Hare,

Eveready. Job well done, i thought, despite the collective stupidity of the pack at the beginning of the trail. A combination of a clever trail and a stupid FRB pack kept said pack together. The SCBs clung together for grim life and spent 20 mins looking for the beer, despite Numbskull, Aids and Bruce Almighty having accurate maps with B marked in the wooded area where the beer check turned out to be.

Who needs pub grub when ER gets her buns and cup cakes out.

Everyone fed and cancer funds gathered.

Scribe,

Removed the yellow AH3 HiViz, pre run and replaced it with his orange "Winterhash" HiViz. If anyone else noticed, Sharnie was the only one to comment. But not to any of the RAs, thankfully.

Here from the Hare is an EXTRA report of the run to add to Haggi's no doubt forthcoming and excellent Scribe report.

Firstly, it was great that the run attracted world-wide interest, with some new runners from as far away as Baku and Aberdeen University. Hope you enjoyed the views and fun and all!

Secondly, a heartfelt thanks to everyone for following each other down the back checks. Togetherness as a pack. To quote Sir Deadmund Hillary, "follow the flour, the flour is your friend"; however, not it seems the other way around: don't follow your friend, who may be on a back check.

The good news is the back checks were more than long enough to accompany everyone. How considerate of the Hare! Better news still is that the chill factor at the Closing Circle meant that the threatened revengeful kicking and general beating of the Hare never happened. Also that the attempted push of the Hare whilst leaping the burn failed. Vindictive. Not necessary.

But the big question is. Did the aquapods and the tethered bird of prey upstage the previous week's zebra?

Now having developed an interest / obsession? in aquapods, did you know that they weigh 44 tonnes? And the aquapod factory - the white building we passed on the long run - and all the fencing will be removed and the cliff top returned to green field? It's amazing what you can learn whilst reckying a trail!

On On to next week's run. After zebra and aquapods, what exotica will we see?

Yours, tongue-in-cheek as always,

Hare TBT

It was a warm, sunny day when the hash gathered for run number 1870, expertly set by Prickly Bush and Shiggy Dick. A picturesque nook of historic Banchory, it was the perfect setting with the sun twinkling through branches of ancient oak trees; a nearby babbling brook, dancing merrily along, birds chirping, dogs barking, kids screeching, doors slamming, hashers yelling, horns beeping......

Greetings and hugs were exchanged, as on such a lovely day, everyone felt warm and fuzzy inside. One hasher in particular appeared to look especially happy: Binliner could be seen to be smiling sweetly and for this heinous misdemeanour, Twizzle promptly gave him a Pre-run Down Down. (T'was his car alarm disturbing the gentle snoozing in the circle. Ed)

On on we went at lightning speed and at the first check, just as quickly became lost. With hashers shuffling in every direction, except the correct one, Prickly Bush was seen to surreptitiously give the nearest hasher, Golden Shower, a nod in the right direction, which was, to turn left. Noticing he had missed her signal, which was obviously too subtle for him, she then pointed and jabbed her finger frantically to the left; this she followed up with several arm signals to go left and then shouts to go left, at which Golden Shower finally took the hint and went straight on.....

Shiggy Dick and Prickly Bush had certainly provided lots of prickles on the run, in the form of robust, thick, fir trees, so tightly packed together, that no light could penetrate this deep, dark forest. Luckily, Twizzle, always on hand to help save the day, was willing to sacrifice himself for the sakes of the hash and bravely ordered his seven year old son Callum (currently unnamed. Ed), to battle his way through the darkness, Indiana Jones style (this could be it? Ed), to scout out any dangers that might lay ahead. What a champ!

On the run, there was the usual amount of camaraderie with some hashers practising their screaming techniques, in case they were ever accosted in the future; some hashers practising their strip routines, in case they were ever accosted in the future; some hashers playing 'thumb of war' because that's what seven year olds do and some hashers closely inspecting unknown fungi, for reasons unknown.

Back at the circle, a feast had previously been prepared by the hares, of pulled pork sandwiches and accompaniments, followed by homemade millionaire shortbread. Not only had they led the hounds but they fed the hounds too!

Down downs were awarded to:

• JC, Sauerkraut and Sharnie for falling; Sharnie at the Beer Stop due to excitement.

• Twizzle for being the dastardly dad of a bold hero.

• Oneliner for leaving his keys at home when going for a run and then having to wait an hour, for someone to come home and let him in.

• Eveready, Toy Boy Tom, Struth and Red Stripe for stripping on trail.

• Toy Boy Tom, Oneliner and Muff Diver for being FRBs and annoying T-Rex Cock who was not one.

• Olymprick for emulating a marathon runner by wearing actual running gear.

• Bag O Bones, Biggles and Sauerkraut for stopping on trail to study fantastic fungi.

• Prickly Bush for not wearing hash gear, although she was a hare and

• The Dutchess for wearing a hare t-shirt, although she wasn't one.

• Drillbit and Red Stripe for exchanging chocks (car ramps) in the pre-run circle.

• Drillbit and Its All Because for removing their clothing and leaving it at JC and Fifi's at the last run.

• Twizzle for getting his car stuck in the field at the last run and having to get towed out.

On on for the second time in a month........

your scribe,

Eveready

A beautiful Spring day saw a goodly turnout of Hashers enjoy a meticulously planned trail through the woods and soggy bits around Lynn of Skene. The Hares had even constructed a bridge across one raging torrent, though 'Elf and Safety may have had something to say about the lack of handrails.

The Hares had told us that it was 'FOUR blobs and you're on' which led to some mutterings amongst the crustier diehards, as it is has been 'THREE blobs and you're on' since Methusalah was a lad. The ever eager Prickly Bush was the first to ignore this solecism and miscall ON ON but the Hash was in a forgiving mood. There was something for everyone at the Sweetie Stop though it was a close run thing. And there was even Diet Coke (yuk) at the Beer Stop.

The Circle kicked off with High Maintenance being dragged in for a bizarre dress code offence, though only the GM, who takes a keen interest in female bottoms, had noticed.

JC was in trouble for supplying time-expired super-sweet IRN-BRU.

Smurf, One-Liner, Toy Boy Tom, and Numbskull, were toasted for their creditable performance at this years Easter Challenge.

Your scribe was punished for disinfecting his scratches with Old Speckled Hen.

And Panty Pockets was commended for joining the select group of hashers who make such a big contribution to keeping Britain's tobacco industry in healthy profit.

Great food and drink and crack at the On In.

Headlining next week will be Shiggy Dick and his charming assistant, Prickly Bush.

Your 'onourable scribe

Bag O'bones

There was a suggestion of a re-naming for 'Roger Me More' who has recently accepted a proposal of marriage from Underlay. The suggestion of 'Roger ne No More' was universally acknowledged as a 'crap idea' and Numbskull ended up with a well deserved down, down. Twizzle in the meantime asked for volunteers to organise next year's Easter Challenge- any takers, please contact him.

It was a fantastic run round lesser known bits of Kintore- especially great on the open country bit. One icon that we missed was 'The Bothy' a building made of straw (yes really) that I was hoping to revisit, to check if it had been blown down by the big bad wolf- but maybe next time.

With two sweetie stops and a beer stop it was bound to be a long one- but how would I know? I didn't stay for the circle- AND most disappointingly didn't get to savour Bridget's (T-Rex Hen's) lunch- which I'm sure was amazing- as I've never know her prepare anything that wasn't better than a top-class restaurant.

Horrible History.

When was the first bank robbery? 1867

Who were the robbers? Jesse James and his gang

They robbed dozens of banks and hundreds of trains. Nobody could catch them.

A dedicated posse was set up to track them down. They gave up after for 16 years

Jesse James was eventually shot in the back of the head whilst cleaning a picture in his own house by one of his own bodyguards for the reward money.

So, when discussing Run Number 1867 with fellow hashers, don't forget to mention, it was on this very hash we celebrated the life of the world's greatest outlaw;;;;; T-Rex Cock

OnOn

Glasgow

Imagine the scene: a Christmas card setting of trees lightly dusted with a sprinkling of ice; a crisp unmarked blanket of snow twinkling in the light of a dazzling winter sun; softly, oh so softly, the sounds of birds twittering in the trees, calling for Spring to come and come quickly, that they may mate and produce young. Hark! A chirrup of laughter can be heard in the distance, quickly followed by a deep rumbling; a multitude of feet hasten to embark on an unknown journey. The hash has arrived! Snuffling, coughing, wheezing, sneezing; mere chills and colds can't hold back these eager explorers, ready to forfeit the warmth of a cosy fireside, to support the cause of their comrades in arms in their quest to follow their one true love: flour!!

Today's hare, Tonto, was nowhere to be seen. He had been swift off the mark and was still laying the trail. In preparation for his followers, doggedly in pursuit, he had cunningly laid a series of bright,

pink, blobs! But was this enough for the reckless marauders? Would they be able to deduce that this was the trail? Two respected, long standing, hash members thought not! un-caped crusaders, Toy Boy Tom and Barbarella, could be heard to combine their experience of hashing years and use their wisdom to advise fellow hashers to look for 'cryptic clues' such as 'footprints' and 'flattened snow!'

Luckily, the hash was able to draw upon one of it's canine trackers to supplement the expertise of this dastardly duo. Out of the depths of a band of fir trees, Oscar, the largest of the hash hound dogs, could clearly be seen to sport rather luscious pink lips! On assurance from his mistress, Smurf, that he was not a transvestite, transgender nor was identifying as anything in transience, it was decided that he must have found and sampled the trail! It was a good one, winding over and under hill and vale. Splashing, sploshing, squealing, oohing, aahing and gurgling could be heard from sure-footed harriettes and harriers and from the fallers; the ones who bravely threw themselves to the ground in order to save their compatriots from falling foul to muddy puddles or slushy, slimey, gorse and for that, they were suitably thanked at the end of the trail.

Circling up, Down Downs were given to -

• The Fallers: JC, Golden Shower, Tonto, Hippo, Ballerina,

• Gadget Man, Sir Sheik Deadmund Hillary (whose multitude of GPS paraphernalia does nothing to enhance his ability to not know where he is at any given time),

• Eveready aka Einstein for calculating at the speed of light, the average of marks awarded for the run,

• Roger Me More and Underlay for becoming engaged to be miserable, I mean married,

• The Penguin for requesting that the beer be removed from the beer check and taken back to the car before anyone found it, so that it could be drank in warmth and comfort,

• Shit Boyfriend and Drillbit for mistaking puddles for steep gullies,

• Roger Me More for buying bedding whilst on the hash skiing expedition (older hash members will realise that it was for her 'bottom drawer'), Barbarella for having extra baggage weight at check in on hash skiing expedition and

• Thruppenny Bits for needing extra luggage for her six week stint in Australia, in order to avoid Shit Boyfriend being not so shit and renovating her house.

• Muff Diver for being propositioned by a buxom blonde whilst in Blackpool, only to find out later, (how he found out, we never found out) that the said blonde, was actually sporting extra appendages.

On on

Eveready

There hares were Fire Flaps and Numbskull aided by The Princess and Nugget. The weather was a pleasant 5 degC. Muff Diver was given the pre-run down-down for the misuse of a sample jar.

The hash started with a spectacular run along the beach towards the Marine Hotel. Although there was little wind, huge waves were crashing onto the beach. Poseidon, King of the Sea, one day created the Sea Horse. The breaking waves looked the mane of the horse and as we listened carefully the faint booming of the waves sounded like hundreds of hooves thundering along the ground.

The hash walked up the steep path up from Olymprick's house to the now closed road which many of the older hashers remember was the main route in Stonehaven until the heavier lorries threatened bring the side of the hill down crashing down.

The hash reached a climax at the War Memorial on top of Black Hill. It is often thought of as being in a pathetic state of repair, but this is the way it was designed to look - as unfinished or ruined as the lives of those it commemorates.

We marvelled at Dunnottar Castle perched on a gigantic rocky outcrop in the distance. Perhaps the most spectacular ruined coastal castle in the world where Mel Gibson performed Shakespeare's Hamlet.

We crossed a muddy field with ploughed ruts, each deep enough to twist an ankle and containing frozen shiggy. We descended a craggy embankment of rocks and twisted trees, to where the hash had no choice but to cross a swollen river. The bridge had been taken out by a falling oak tree.

Getting disheartened by these natural obstacles we were happily greeted by Numbskull manning a Whisky Mac stop. This is supposed to be a mixture of whisky and ginger wine but Numbskull tricked us by putting whisky in both bottles. We continued to the sweetie and beer stop at FireFlaps house, where we were shocked to see a large spider absconding from Numbskull's left ear. The spider had had enough.

Following refreshments, half of the pack ambled down to the closing circle. The other half hid in Muff Diver's white van but fell into a chaotic heap at the first cobbled corner.

Coincidently Sunday was Numbskull’s 70th birthday and he demanded a cake. So we made one on his head. The local constabulary arrived to see what all the fuss was about and asked Numbskull why he mixed with such stupid people. Fortunately, The Penguin sweet talked the police woman, so she wouldn't notice that the hash were drinking in a public place.

The hash dispersed for the OnInn.

Several of us went to Greggs to sample their Easter special. JC in a roll.

BTW Do you want to know the historical significance of run number 1865?

Don't be dismayed. We are nearly at the end. There are only 150 horrible histories left. Coincidently 1865 was the year speed restrictions first introduced and remained unchanged for 30 years. It was 2 mph in towns and 4 mph in the countryside. MD was impressed. In addition, a man, not a woman, was required to walk in front waving a red flag or a Mearns Hash 50th Run T-shirt. It was introduced by the owners of horses and trains who were afraid to lose work to road vehicles. So - when discussing run number 1865 with fellow hashers don't forget to mention that the law now states that when the hash sees a vehicle approaching at more than 2 mph it is required to shout PETROL!

The Trilogy Concludes

For all you avid scribe readers who had been expecting the third episode in the trilogy of run write ups provided by that esteemed scriber Toy Boy Tom; I have to intimate an unavoidable change of author. As Toy Boy Tom was hare for the day it was deemed not feasible for him to provide a wholly objective recall and evaluation of the run, despite his known adherence to the unembellished truth at all time. Therefore having been caught out by a child and dog into speaking at the wrong time. I, Cinders, was handed the chalice of completing the trilogy.

We started with two awards.

The first of 200 runs to Golden Shower and the second to Little Shit for 1,300 runs. Yes, one thousand and three hundred runs which equates to one hell of a lot of time spent running in circles and drinking beer.

There was also a new runner, Ross, brought along by Cruella, a returner. How exciting to join your girlfriend’s dad celebrating his completing of 1,300 runs, in off the beaten track places, in a circle, to be rewarded with a beer. Or a timely warning to find something useful to do with your time. To help them get in the celebratory mood both Ross and Cruella were awarded down-downs.

The hare took over and spread dread by indicating that the run had been set for the weather which was much drier, brighter and warmer that he had anticipated so he had made some last minute changes. Bookies ceased bets on the pack not going up the hill.

We set off away from the hill, ominous and a devious tactic to confuse, but then turned back to the hill, resigned acceptance, but no we turned again, hope raised some tentative shoots, but no. The hare clearly felt that a period of time spent in a cold bog would be just the thing to prepare the pack for the impending ascent. Once out of the bog there followed some nifty (a relative term given the age and capability of the pack) jogging along back roads and tarmac and a sense of relief spread as thoughts turned to a “round the hill” not “up the hill” run being possible. But with this hare just not probable.

At this point I was still with the pack and enjoyed the banter all around, even marvelled that Barbarella was capable of talking incessantly and moving at a faster pace than most of the rest of us can manage. Just not as fast as Longshanks, although I do think that the length of his legs is instrumental in his speedy covering of ground. By this time we were completing a loop back to the path we had been on before being called back for the bog. Jolly good of the hare to make sure that we were taken off a good path to cover the bog area and add some extra distance as you would not want the run to be too short! Now we started up hill. Not THE hill just a precursor. JC and I discussed at this point how age alters your perception of angle, i.e. inclines seem steeper to older eyes which would be an optical illusion but unfortunately the legs tend to concur, making the effort required of the brain to keep you going just that bit harder. Let’s hope the brain does not cop out too. A short dangle of hope that a round the hill was still on was squashed at this point as the call of on-on came from above, steeply above.

Up THE hill we started. Now about this time, as I have been informed by Not Dot, morale of the pack was uplifted by the community singing of various appropriate pop songs, such as Bon Jovi’s “Half way there” – oh how inaccurate - if only it had been half way there.

To the top of Scolty we wound our merry way, to be met by a shower of chocolate goodies as Twizzle, JC and Tonto, threw them down from the top of the monument. A quick team photo and - Hurrah – down the hill and home! NO.

Down the hill, yes, home, no.

At the bottom of the path down, on a good road to the car park, plenty of woods either side for a beer check, which was still to be had, what was the problem with doing that? Apparently quite a lot. By this hare’s way of thinking.

Drooling for beer we set off on an obvious loop not really appreciating just what lay ahead. To cut to the chase, which this run avoided doing at all costs, after much trotting through forest and several false sightings of a beer check we crossed the road to the river. Now about this time, as I have been informed by Not Dot, morale of the pack was uplifted by the community singing of various appropriate pop songs, such as “Keep on Running”. (Yes you did read this above but it was a run that brought out the community spirit. It keeps the desperation at bay. ) Along the river bank the pack trailed itself to a rather fine beer check which was thoroughly enjoyed which is just as well as the run was not yet over. Refreshed, if not wholly restored to the levels of exuberance demonstrated at the start of the run, the pack turned to home and sometime later dragged itself into the car park in search of further sustenance. No hashers were lost in the completing of this run – quite the modern day miracle – this assumes that Sergio abandoned us and took his bad back home, if not and he is lost out there, oh dear!

Down Downs went to:

• Toy Boy Tom – Hare – two runs being required in a year does not equate to both on the same day

• Pigiron and Its All Because – for a remarkably accurate impersonation of the two grumpy old men from the Muppets

• JC and Cinders – for completing some rather excellent run lengthening short cutting (as if this run needed that)

• Sauerkraut – for doing nothing

• Tonto – for being Tonto no mates when nobody even replied to his email about watching the rugby

• Hippo, Drillbit and Tonto – for being representatives of the losing side at Murrayfield the day before

• Twizzle – for being arse about tit – read a check back sign the wrong way

• Cruella and Ross– Cruella for feelingly describing the decision of Ross to proceed up the hill – the adjective used was knob – Ross for not registering the hints from Cruella and making the decision to go up the hill

Cinders

Pre-run awards:

• Long shanks: 50 runs

• Not Dot: 100 runs

Pre-run down-downs:

• Olymprick: Because Rats would not be able to watch next Saturday's Calcutta Cup.

• Little Shit: Appearing in an Aker power point presentation dressed in women's clothes. The Haka should have been the down-down song.

A Valentine's Run. Where would it entice us, what romantic hints would there be?

1. Inviting smiles?

2. Alluring sexy clothing?

3. Floating in heavenly bliss through enchanted woodland with the perfect person?

4. Arriving at a romantically stunning location?

5. Maybe sharing a stimulating aphrodisiac meal accompanied by a glass of fine bubbly?

6. And who knows what after that.

So we set off in anticipation:

1. OK, I did get a nice smile from Eveready. Well, I took it as a smile, although it turned out really to be a grimace as she told me that I'd missed from last week's Scribe report the 2 down-downs she'd downed. Mmm.

2. Fleeces aren't sexy.

3. Slipping down an icy path is not floating in heavenly bliss. Although some might say that romance is the first step on that slippery path to a life with "her who (thinks she) must be obeyed".

4. The entrance to Shooting Greens car park is not stunning, and certainly not romantic, when stuffed full of orienteers' cars and orienteers.

5. A bag of crisps washed down by a can of beer or mulled wine? Now that's more like it! The way to someone's heart is through their stomach: beer and mulled wine is a good way to a Hasher's heart!

6. So a maybe lack of romantic hints on the run. Maybe that can be put down to it not actually being 14th February. Nevertheless, afterwards? Not telling, other than it was hot and steamy, and wet!

The flour was pink, and with many falsies lead the pack through the woods to the Beer Stop, where, my heart leapt, delight: there were chocy hearts.

But no JC. FiFi explained that this had happened before, when JC ended in a farm house and phoned the landlord of the Feughside Inn (where the pack was) to be rescued! Sabrina added in awe that JC had used a landline! Yes, that long ago, even before Sabrina was born, pre-mobile phone, when pubs used to be open in the countryside, everything was black and white and the world was flat.

In the Closing Circle, JC was admonished for being a slow learner, unlike Hippo who was said to have reformed: the flour is now his friend. Hippo didn't look convinced.

The trail led us to the entrance to Shooting Greens car park for the Closing Circle. GM, Little Shit and RAs, Eveready and Rats, awarded down-downs including:

• Rats for unbalancing Eveready by giving her the running RA's camel stick to carry round the trail.

• Long Shanks for asking Eveready to whip him with the camel stick, and falling on one knee.

• Pink Panther for mistaking Sergio's hair bought by Rats.

• Wee Willie and Thaint, the two fallers on the ice.

• Shiggy Dick for abusing Hash beer's car.

• Ballerina for having to scramble back through the gorse after going through a back-check.

• Not Dot again.

• Little Shit and Sharnie: the Hares.

• Eveready - For claiming that she could think of a 100 and 1 things she could do with a straw. Ballerina asked her to prove it: which she now did by unravelling a bog roll with 114 things to do with a straw!

Correction to last week's Scribe report: Eveready was awarded 2 down-downs. I do remember, but not what for, except one was a bit tenuous! Sack the Scribe.

Well, this is Number 2 in the weekly Scribe reports by Toy Boy Tom. Next week: Number 3 in the trilogy!?

OnOn

TBT

A moment's reflection was held for Alberto S. I. Gispert, the main Founder of the HHH, who was killed in Singapore on 11 February in 1942 at the age of 39.

Aids looked round the circle to award the pre-run down-down in keeping with the moment. Not seeing anyone whose name began with G, nor, probably anyone 39, he awarded it to allegedly the eldest present, Pigiron.

Pigiron downed the down-down like an old-timer, albeit alleging that it was another case of taking advantage of the disadvantaged.

Sir Deadmund Hillary asked who wanted to hear what happened in 1861, and acknowledging the almost universal response "No!", asked the pack to remember that, whenever talking about run 1861, 1861 was when more Americans killed each other in the American Civil War than in World War 1, WW2, Vietnam and Korea put together.

The Hare, Not Dot, was met with a cheer as she said that the trail would be muddy. Well, I suppose mud is preferable to the ice that could have greeted the Hashers, given the Baltic temperature. Nice, sunny day otherwise, though.

The trail led the Hashers along the paths around the fields behind Sheddocksley, surprisingly un-muddy given the Hare's forewarning, with much searching for flour at checks. JC, Cinders, Muff Diver and Toy Boy Tom arrived at Bucks Burn to find themselves on trail, but where was the rest of the pack? And more importantly, as the On-On got closer, where was the Beer Stop?

At the extremity of Northfield, all paused before entering its streets. Surely the Beer Stop isn't in there! Then Muff Diver saw a B, and the longed-for beer stop was found in some undergrowth, just as the rest of the pack arrived from a different direction. High Maintenance commented, perhaps PC-incorrectly, on the lack of beauty of the beer stop site: a tip. But the quality of the beer was good!

The Circle attracted one resident to open his front door to see what was going on in. Good question!

Down-downs were awarded by Aids, supplemented by Ballerina, included:

• T-Rex Cock for thinking the Herbert he was going to house sit for was a dog, not a man.

• Muff Diver white van man.

• High Maintenance for the second dent that she made on the car - reversing into a tractor that's not normally there. The first was apparently an invisible bollard.

• JC, Toy Boy Tom and Wotzoff for their independent detours before arriving at the On-On car park.

• Sir Deadmund Hillary for something to do with blue.

• Red Stripe for the 200kg!!! clothing donated by Hashers at last week's run for the Syrian road trip by the Hedzup Youth Group.

• Pigiron for driving to the Beer Stop - another case, according to Pigiron, of taking advantage of the disadvantaged.

• Roger Me More for, with her face covered and hood up against the cold, looking like a Ninja condom.

• Not Dot and Biggles for a good run on a sunny but cold day!

Scribe

TBT

What Could Possibly Go Wrong Onesie R*N

Well the first thing that went wrong was offering to help getting laid. An 8 km trek with a 10 kilo backpack on a Saturday afternoon whilst there's rugby on the telly is not a good alternative; but turned out to be a blessing in disguise.. Scottish hopes of a Grand Slam spectacularly fell at the first hurdle.

Our GM was looking at me with an evil grin at the opening circle, hands behind his back ; 'YES' I thought I've finally made it to 50 r*ns (in 20+ years and fourth joint hare) only to be handed the scribe's jacket, 1 page of A4 and a pencil that would hardly write;. He's not called Little Shit for no reason says I, muttering ; (hint; go to a bookies and pick up some betting slips and free pens ; great hash aids for R.A.s and scribes alike). So that's the second thing that went wrong. So now you're all subjected to this crap.

Third thing to go wrong was Little Shit introducing ' Just Thaint' as a new runner and a Welsh Supporter. Photographic evidence from Ballerina would prove otherwise as 'Just Thaint' (needs to be named). Was indeed supporting Scotland the previous day and has indeed hashed with us before (I know as we both walked Fire Flap's pugs on her first trail; figure that one out) ; it was instead her BF Bevis that was the Welsh supporter and for all intents and purposes a reborn virgin this Sunday. Butthead as a naming was suggested but ignored..

Fourth thing to go wrong was the sizing of the Onesies. Anything ordered online turns out too short, too big. but we didn't give a Little Shit anyways. PigIron was measured for a spare Tiger? Onesie .. but it proved too big even for our Stephen Fry lookalike. We had 3 of them tigers.. Struth, Muff Diver and the spare matching Onesie was eventually worn by It's All Because (Killer's owner).

Fifth thing to go wrong was the sight of JC getting dressed in his 999 gear, Fireman's Hat, Police Woman's SportsBra, Nurses Skirt ; it's still 11:05 on a Sunday morning in a Pub Car Park FFS

Sixth - Apparently trying to sneak in an extra run on Sharnie's dubious run accounts was Sergio; arrived the previous week after the till had closed and tried to pay on trail, then left early ; did he even make the first check I wonder ??? So a pre-run Down Down was awarded.

Seventh - Just as we were about to leave the car park with our Hare Onesie Red Stripe leading the runners and the Tortoise Haggissimo taking the walkers Bruce Almighty arrived;

And off we set; Walkers Trail report by Haggi.

I was joined by a handful of walkers (well done the r*nners).

'Just Lorraine' another to be named ; friend of RS's from Inchmarlo Old Folks Home (I think she's put down a deposit) had initially joined us on a Banchory run. RS tells her .. just meet you at the Durris Transmitter then ; 'Where's that was Just Lorraine's response. So when we were on trail I

asked her if she recognized anything ;. Look over there ; what can you see ; 'Nithin' ; Eh? Can you see the tower at Sculty ? ; Aye ; fit aboot that mast next tae it ;. Nae idea !!! (Yep it wiz Dorris's Transmitter!!!). HINT !!!

Oor walkers trail took us through the Des Res's of Torphins (who would have known). Our trail was taking a while as High Maintenance was house hunting ; scanning the Luxury 6 bed unoccupied bungalows .. apparently farmer's tax dodge on second home occupancy ; but she eventually made an offer on one (when's the house warming Muff Diver)??

As we came towards the end of the walkers trail I pointed the walkers to the sweeties and Whisky Mac stop. At first they were a bit reluctant until I said even I made it up that hill the day before and that the views were spectacular. So off they headed led by our mountaineering expert Pink Panther (why is she a walker) and so it was Just Lorraine, Bruce Almighty et moi that headed directly to the Beer Stop at RS's new home .. a wee But'n'Ben.

Soon to be joined by Killer and It's All Because, who had made an attempt to get to Beltie Base Camp but had to turn back (not due to the weather surely ???) (No, it was due to Killer's carriage being unable to make it up the hill. - RS)

In fact it turned out to be a glorious First Sunday In February for RS's charity r*n and Red Stripe's recces were certainly not in vain. Great terrain around Torphins and we were to reach the summit of Beltie on the Saturday (I'm told the views on Sunday were a lot better with even Lochnagar to be seen). Checking that I got my spelling right I find out that 'Dark Lochnagar with its magnificent northern corrie is the highest, most popular and much the finest mountain of the Mounth - or perhaps even of the Cairngorms as a whole. It was immortalised in verse by Lord Byron.'

So there you go there's another historical fact to be added to Sir Deadmund's Horrible History of 1860 where we to learn that it was the year of the first ever electrical storm causing as much devastation as the planes that were expected to crash out of the air on 01/01/2000 .. still a lotta people made a few bob outta that one; mainly retired Cobol programmers.

Runners Trail report by Red Stripe

This is becoming a habit ; didn't we just do this at the Burn's Supper.. Address to the Lassies and the Reply ?

Flaps probably thought she was setting a PB as she was in front of the pack leading a trail of hashers (male and female) up Beltie ;. In reality it was a Janice Jackson wardrobe malfunction moment ; in her haste to jump into her Onesie the underwear was forgotten ; the hashers sniffed out the trail and soon found out it was the Bum Cheeks that were Flapping !!

WTF??????????

How the fook did I end up doing a bit of Haggi'sscribe? I seriously need to reconsider my social circle!!

Anyhoo, the runners trail matched the walkers until we reached the Mill Pond, where the more agile(!!!!) headed round the left of the pond into the field and up in to Craigmyle Woods. After another two checks (to allow the sweaty, wheezy hare time to catch up) we came across a long/short option. I was about to take the short option myself till I remembered there was a tricky check on the long trail. Sure enough, by the time I'd trundled my way round there was a hash scatter bomb next to the check with various people standing around shouting 'Check it out!' Despite literally pointing in the direction they had to go it was still a 'herding cats' moment to gather everyone!! Managed a sneaky shortcut at the next check, thus missing the first hill. (Why would I want to do the whole thing again??) Not sneaky enough as Sharnie had spotted my escape and followed. However, she did bring me a tiny purple Christmas present, which Santa had obviously dropped on the way to my house a few weeks ago.

Once I was satisfied that everyone had made it across the main road without skittling themselves into the middle of next week, I headed towards the bottom of the hill. At the start of my ascent (third time!!!) someone informed me that Killer was gaining ground behind me with her bionic legs.

I had to turn around to inform It's All Because that Killer'stransport was not equipped to deal with such terrain and guided them to the beer stop. I began my ascent;..again! Thankfully, the weather was in our favour (unless you were sweating in a onsie! Who's idea was that?) and the view from the top was the clearest of all my visits so far. After whiskry mac and chocolate we desended down through the filds to the beer stop at my hoosie! Apart from Struth and Not Dot who had decided that they wanted to take the long way back to Torphins and miss the beer stop!

Red Stripe

Back to Haggissimo

Of course the main purpose of the event was to go hashing with a bit of added f*n and to help out one of my charities 'Hedzup'. We collected over 200kg of clothing!!!

Most of us stripped off in the circle and threw oor onesies into the pile; except Fire Flaps (shy for once wonder why).

This is now on it's way to the Turkish border with Syria and heading for the camps. The organisers are overwhelmed with your generosity and have asked me to pass on their thanks.

ON;ON;

Red Stripe

Best run in February (so far) and Hare Inaugural AH3OR

and thx Haggi

It was on this surprisingly kind January day, and notwithstanding my earlier than average arrival at the on-on, that I found myself underhandedly targeted as the scribe. Having been lured into some idle chit-chat by Prickly Bush, she then chose to highlight my absent minded disrespect for the circle to a GM known to seize upon the slightest transgression as a pretext for the award of a blunt pencil and a few scraps of paper. Fortunately for everyone, the miserliness of said parchment served to curtail the extent of my hash related musings.

To commence with, Struth and Barbarella were D-squared for achieving 750 and 350 runs respectively, which also sufficed to merit the award of some commiserative get-a-life pewter.

Then Rats tried to explain how easy the trail would be if only we would stay on flour, but already no one was listening as the athletic T-Rex Cockled the hounds to an early back-check. In the resulting melee everyone tried to remember exactly what it was that Rats had said . . . . but fortunately. JC happened upon the trail, and once more thinking was no longer necessary.

More Butt made her tearful adieus to her dearest Alexandra, promising Biggles that if he looked after the two sprogs for the first half she would come good for the remainder. Spoken with all the conviction as might attach to a pledge of undying love by our famous bard (more on Burns later), alas its sincerity also suffered the same short-termism as did most of Rabbie's romantic entanglements.

Strategically positioned notices by the fences to sheep enclosures informed us of the need to prevent our canine buddy from becoming a Killer. However, It's All Because ignored these pleas, and I think that Killer himself remains blissfully unaware of the depth of unwarranted discrimination aligned against him by the woolly brigade.

But back to the trail, which led persistently north-west, until a check within a couple of hundred metres of the woodlands boundary. Since on occasion the green coloured flour blended so well with the grass upon which it had been laid, it was some time later that Toy-Boy Tom, checking south, confirmed the radical new direction. Soon swinging back to the east, then alongside the Gairn Hill perimeter fence, confusion ensued as the flour stuttered before apparently petering out. Never fear, Prickly Bush persevered into a neighbouring field to find that the flour led down to the adjacent public road. After a short pound along the tarmac the trail re-entered the wood at Blacktop, and soon our efforts were rewarded with a sweetie check. Very soon after this our efforts were rewarded with a Beer Check . . . . Very soon after that we found ourselves back in the car park . . . .

Down Downs were bestowed upon:

• JC: empathising with Aids' "size" problem.

• Haggissimo: unsolicited tempting

• Hippo: mouth wash size DD to celebrate delivery of new uprated super size hash dray flask

• Red Stripe: for her eloquent response to the toast to the lassies at the hash Burns Supper (NB: Tonto, Hagissimo and Little Shit were all rated worthy runners up - just not quite worthy enough to get a free pint!)

• Little Shit: inimitable alpine freestyle tumbling demonstration at Glenshee

• Little Shit ; Binliner: singled out by Shiggy Dick for their desertion from the slopes (belatedly revealed via a phone call from a safe refuge in Ballater)

• Smurf: purchasing a PB gadget, rumoured to vibrate in order to help her arrive earlier

• Little Shit and Barbarella: rebound following failed scheme to rebrand Smurf as Queen Bitch

• Rats: for his part in delivering an excellent Hash on an excellent day.

OnOn

JC

The day was crisp ( ie f**ing cold) but bright and dry with clear skies. Despite being in an urban area, the on-on was well chosen with plenty of parking space and clear views over the mouth of the River Don. To the best of my knowledge we hadn't run from here before; or at least not for a long

time.

The pack was called together for a photo shoot to celebrate AH3's 35th birthday. Sharnie had generously supplied us with, and decorated, a birthday cake.

At the pre run circle we welcomed two visitors from Elgin; McCavity and Cider Man.

• Pink Panther was awarded a 750 run sweatshirt.

• Watzoff was awarded for 666 runs.(get a life the pair of you !).

The hare explained the floural rules of the run and we set off through the surrounding urban streets. However; it was pleasantly surprising how the hare had cleverly found so many through cuts and pathways, resulting in very little running on roads. This urban part of the run was also pleasantly punctuated by areas of common open land.

It was while crossing overgrown waste land that Skinny Witch decided to "take one for the team". She fell over hidden barbed wire thus ensuring the rest of us knew where it was. The first of several back checks was very successful; most of the pack fell for it so that back runners like me could catch up and the pack could stay together.

The run then moved on to its main phase which was along and around the River Don.

It was when the trail moved to a rough river side path that your scribe was one of the first to have a spectacular fall arse over tit. Now there are many smooth and tarmac paths around the river Don; but then our hare is Watzoff. So it was no real surprise that our trail not only followed the rougher tracks but also scrambled up and down the steep slopes between them. There was, therefore, some poetic justice when the hare himself was seen to fall over ignominiously headfirst and the bag of flour he was carrying get thrown into the air.

For many of us, one of the most memorable instances on this run was a once in a lifetime opportunity to observe a wild otter. We were on the river side path near the Gordon Brae Bridge. The otter was observed on the bank of the river and then slid into and under the water.

The trail had in general headed west on the north side of the river and had now crossed the river and was heading east on the south side. A long stretch of steep steps was encountered. The trouble was both the bottom and top of the steps had been fenced off to prevent access. Climbing over was challenging to say the least, particularly for Rolo. Further on as we approached Seaton Park from the top of a hill we had excellent views of the park's formal gardens. This was a great photo opportunity for Barbarella.

To continue our run there were then plenty of options using good paths around Seaton Park. Did our hare take these? Of course not. Instead it was more scrambling down steep slopes, climbing walls and crossing ditches. But it was worth it in the end because when we finally got to the beer check we had an excellent view looking down on the river and the Bridge of Balgownie.

At the end of the run, our RA, Twizzle, awarded post run down downs as follows:

• Drill Bit, JC and Shit BoyFriend. For arriving late and missing the circle and the start of the run.

• The Elgin visitors again, Cider Man and McCavity. Because we want them to feel welcome.

• Toy Boy Tom. For his pessimism in missing out on a great days skiing at Glenshee.

• Bin Liner. For being a wally and paying full price for his ski pass instead of the senile pensioner rate. (theres a catch 22 here).

• Skinny Witch, Cider Man and Watzoff.The fallen.

• Drill Bit.For getting lost on the way to the on-on; despite AH3 road signs, a map, OS co-ordinates, post code, and clear verbal directions from Watzof.

• It's All Because. He was seen to be carrying Killer's buggy on his head while skilfully scrambling up the steep slopes.

• Toy Boy Tom. He met Harley on the bus on the way to the Hash; but could not persuade him to join us. (Just as well since Toy Boy Tom didn't know at which stop to get off, got lost, and got to the car park by going through someone's garden and over a fence.)

• Twizzle. (a charge from One Liner). For pulling a back muscle while carrying home his brand new cross-trainer. Just goes to prove that trying to keep fit is not good for you.

• McCavity. For services to medical research by having an operation to remove muscle. Apparently One Liner had had the same operation and scars were proudly compared.

• The Penguin and Drill Bit. (a charge from Barbarella). Despite AH3 only being 35 years young, The Penguin and Drillbit have been hashers for 43 years.

Finally a down down to the hare Watzof,for what all agreed was an excellent run.

Scribe: Bin Liner

CURSUS MCCCLVII

A good size pack for a dull, damp, chilly day.

Before the run, Rats whinged about problems with BP pensions and access to food banks, then pissed off before the run started. A plea was made by Aids for the return of the many and various Hash Signs, now being hoarded by person or persons unknown, probably for purposes beyond the reach of rational thought. There were no new runners, returners, strays, visitors or curious onlookers. A promise of ample flour was made by One Liner, a promise kept- inasmuch as the promise of any Hare is ever kept.

An excellent woodland run ensued; scratchy, slippery, ankle twisting, shin scraping, wet. Some climbs, and concomitant descents. If there were any noteworthy acts of folly, incompetence or indolence by the pack, I did not notice them. There was however, a hiatus at the Beer Check, where a walker, presumably to burn off excess energy, had re- hidden the beer, thus giving the runners a welcome chance to cool down and enjoy the wind chill at leisure as the hunt for the beer went on. How the runners laughed! The miscreant shall be nameless- but man with dog in a pram, you know who you are.

In the circle there were some merry japes with a doggie shit bag, in which Bin Liner was not an innocent, and the lack of signs was again bemoaned. As next week's Hare I reassured the pack. On the website the On On is given in a six figure map reference, a post code, a clearly marked street map and detailed written instructions. But, as a wise old friend of mine, (not a hasher and now an alcoholic), once said, 'Never underestimate the inventiveness of idiots, they will always find an unforeseen way to bugger up a simple task' (A couple of weeks back, the On On of Nigg Way was interpreted by some dyslexic satnav relying Hashers as synonymous with Nigg Bay.)

Apart from that, if anything else memorable happened, I don't remember it.

On On

WOTZOFF

It was a cold, cold morning. Nonetheless, many hardened hashers made it out to Tillyfourie. The dashboard showed temperatures dropping to sub-zero as we left the warmth of the North Sea coast and headed inland. Minus 2 degrees, minus 3 degrees, minus 4 degrees. Why did I not turn around and return to bask on the coastal shores? Who knows; must have been a brain malfunction due to the bitter weather. Luckily my trusty car dresses appropriately for the season and the winter tyres made an uneventful entry to the car park, whilst others slid and slipped into the ice rink that we will be using as the circle.

Whilst Shit Boyfriend was asking me if I'd returned the Scribe vest that he had recently been awarded and subsequently lost, I found myself catching said vest and being appointed scribe for not paying attention to the GM. How unfair. So that's why I find myself putting pen to paper. In fact there was no pen, or paper. How on earth are us aging hashers supposed to remember what happened? Oh well, here goes.

Pre-run down down went to

T Rex Cock for falling; the first of many as it turned out.

Ballerina gave some instructions about number of pink dots, getting cold and wet, followed by a whisky mac check to warm up and finally a beer check.

The "sensible" walkers let the pack tear off up the frozen track, several of them falling at the first hurdle. That was the last we saw of the runners until the whisky mac check. Well, apart from seeing some short cutters making their way towards the nudist caravan site. Would there have been anything interesting to see on such a Baltic day?

Back at the ice rink warm soup was kindly provided by the hare, and although I had once again forgotten to bring a mug for the gluhwein, the soup cup proved most useful. Not sure about the lumpy bits in the gluhwein though.

Twizzle slid into the circle to present the following down downs to:

• The Fallen - Tonto, newish hasher Richard, and visitor Dripping Wet

• The Accuser - Barbarella. Some problem with the number of spots

• The Sick Notes – Drillbit and Dripping Wet. Too many mince pies?

• The Bedbugs - Sir Deadmond Hillary, Glasgow and Drillbit. Missing New Year celebrations (some whispers about having a threesome instead)

• The Hare - Ballerina

Horrible History provided by Sir Deadmond Hillary suggested that Dr Livingstone hashed across Africa over a four-year period, discovering Victoria Falls on the way and ending at the mouth of the Zambezi.

Good hash, best one of 2018, superb weather. Happy New Year everybody!!