Scribes 2016

Better late than never. Like me at beer checks normally and this run will be no different.

Over the last few weeks Little Shit has hounded many of us for non-performance of scribe duties. Yes I'll do it - honest.

Next week! But that was 3 weeks ago. But go easy on him, he even offered to write it for me as he was on the run far more than me anyway (which is actually true)

So where was the run site? Several got lost, was it Cluny? Somewhere near Sauchen. Well yes it was in a small wooded area with a pretty small car park.

I had identified this pot for a run several months’ area whilst cycling in this secluded area. I made the mistake of saying to Hippo.

"Has anyone set a run here? What about car parking?"

My big gob, lesson is don't tell Hippo) Doesn't matter what I say about him, he'll never read this report as its ont t'internet.

So I arrived at the run site, being driven by Drillbit.

Great I thought, I can have several beers as I'm not driving! Hippo greeted us pointing down a track to park up 300mtrs later.

Parking was problematic as in from was Hillary's BMW attempting to park doing some 30 point move to get into a parking spot!

Was about to give some verbal abuse when the driver's door opened and out stopped Glasgow! A harriette driving! What next!

So the circle started! Hillary gave us an history lesson to tell us we are now the most expensive hash in Scotland. Run fee increase went from 2 to 3 so we now have hyperinflation - He stated the highest rate ever.

Well actually, factually. This is incorrect. The highest rate is 41,9 quadrillion % in Hungary in July 1946. Which means doubling every 15.3 hours. So AH3 has some way to go. (Hopefully that's not a challenge for AH3!)

So we set off back down the track we came down. I was an FRB for once, wish I wasn't as it was a long back check. Pack went left so a bit of a short cut through a field. I could hear the pack to my right and once or twice caught a glimpse of the walkers. Being determined, I carried on alone, " not on flour" but know the pack had to go left. Well 30 mins later bashing through undergrowth, I was on my own trial.

Ah well back to the cars! But I heard noises, was it the pack, no, it was another group of lost hashers on a long check back. But at least they were on flour. I was saved!

So back on trial I found walkers and then the pack. Finally found the sweetie stop which Hippo was guarding. So set off again and soon onto the beer check where I was reunited with the pack.

Then found Its All-Because coming up the in trial with a pram!

What the hell is going on, has he got a child? Well sort of - Killer sat in the pram! Travelling in style!

(Even spell check doesn't know trail from trial. Maybe they should be. Ed)

So we made our way back and the circle commenced.

Many down downs were awarded but it's so long ago and my notes so limited (as I forgot I was the scribe!)

Down downs were

• Glasgow - for her earlier parking exploits

• Lazy Bastard Son and White Bolt for their culinary skills

• For Ear decorations and Tweaking - Little Shit and Goat Wrestler (No idea what that was about)!

• Telephone - Lunch Friday - Pink Panther ( I'm sure there was more to this )

• Some returners ( can remember as they haven't returned since, or have they)

• Crap Parking - Sergio

• Always being limp - Drillbit (Does Barbara know?)

• For Hash Services - Cleaning the one list - Thru penny Bits ( bet that was an interesting job)

• Bottle opening mishap - Alcohol abuse - Willie Wotzoff

• Circle complete and off to ON IN at Hippos and Mrs Ts – As always fantastic soups and crumbles. (Can you set the runs every week!).

A great 50% of the run. I'm sure the rest was great!

Hippo - good run site for you - Aberdeen beach front. Sure you will enjoy!

ON ON

Ballerina

A coolish but thankfully dry day greeted the mostly hungover hashers who gathered at Riverside Drive, near the Bridge of Dee for AH3s 1800thrun. Actually, no one was looking that bad, don’t know if that’s because were all hardened drinkers by now, or more likely most of us were tucked up in bed before 1am after a very good party at the Holburn Bar. How civilised (or boring depending on your viewpoint or age!)

Our visitors from Edinburgh and Mearns hashes were welcomed before the GM Little Shit awarded Roger Me More with her 150^th run T-shirt, which she duly put on (not next to skin but over another T-shirt) before trying to explain to her young nephew why the male hashers were chanting next to the skin. This was only the start of a life changing hash for Roger Me Mores young nephew, who will probably never be allowed on a hash again but more of that later.

Roger Me Mores partner, Underlay also got a Down Down, according to my notes for not getting into the boot, but its beyond my memory as to what that was referring to. Oh dear.

We then had a quick Xmas song with amended lyrics by (presumably) Shirley Valentine and then The Duchess was also awarded a T-shirt for 100 runs.

RA Aids then decided that Flying Dutchman, from EH3 should be blindfolded and tied to his girlfriend Sheeba for the run (it would have been much more fun if he had been tied to Cockatool).

Hillary then gave us his horrible histories for 1800 something about Aberdeen filling in holes somewhere, before the Hare decided to add his bit about batteries and how we couldn’t live without them (no, me neither). One of the Harriette’s piped up that the Ann Summers’s shop couldn’t manage without batteries either. At this point, Roger Me Mores young nephew was getting very confused so Roger Me More tried to explain what Ann Summers was about..(And so his sex education began).

And then onto the Hares very long description of what to expect on his run 7.5 miles if you don’t count the back checks, of which there were a lot, a beer check which the Walky Talkies were NOT allowed to find and partake of before the real hashers (e.g. runners in Willys world) arrived. He also admitted that for the first time ever, he had actually asked permission to run across somebody’s land but that we had to be quiet with no loud noises or swearing. Well thats gonna happen not!

So off the hash set, first up the river towards the harbour before being called back and under the bridge heading towards Holburn Street and then onto????????? Well hmmm.. as a Walky Talkie, Ive no idea! (Note to GM, Walkie Talkies are severely restricted in reporting what happens on the run unless the hare is particularly clever or devious).

Anyway the Walkie Talkies duly headed over the Bridge of Dee and along the side of the river, following flour but no runners were to be seen (my spy informed me that the run was a big loop along the railway line, over the artificial ski slope, down by David Lloyds before heading over the bridge).

As this was turning into a similar run Id set earlier this year, I decided to use my prior knowledge and headed up the road to Tollohill car park with Thrupenny Bits (Shit Boyfriend having had to head off to the nearest watering hole for reasons unexplained). On the way we met a confused looking Olymprick (Ive always wondered where the emphasis was in his name, is it O..limp..prick?) Clutching a bus ticket to Inverbervie or some such place. Evidently a story there..

Anyway on up towards the car park we went before heading right into the woods where we found the Beer Check but being good little Walkie Talkies, we heeded the Hares threats and carried on thirstily, No Noing as we went. There were the occasional shouts or horn heard but it was mostly quiet. Then at last! Some runners were spotted! Thrupenny Bits and I turned back, confident that they would soon overtake us, but no, we were back at the Beer Check (still avoiding a drink) where Jasper and Mary were waiting thirstily too, before the rest of the pack eventually turned up.

On back to Riverside Drive where warm mulled wine, beer/cold drinks, crisps and nuts were found, though sadly the mobile hot food bar was shut (think of all the business they could have had).

But what is this?? Poor little Roger Me Mores young nephew with blood dripping down his arms and legs! What had happened? Evidently he fell between a wall and a barbed wire fence. Oh dear his auntie will not be allowed to take him out on his own again! And of course he was duly named Bloodbath.

Down Downs were awarded by RA Aids and guest RA Wee Willy to:-

• 007s bad girl, otherwise known as Roger Me More for being a bad auntie!

• Underlay for telling Wee Willy that he could get the no 19 bus home after the party for free with his bus pass (but omitted to tell him that free bus passes don’t work after midnight)

• Muff Diver awarded to Septic Sporran for looking for a policeman to help him cross the Dee Bridge even though he’s a policeman

• Thrupenny Bits cruelly awarded Pink Panther for suggesting we went under the Dee Bridge to cross it when we were on the wrong side of the river

• Olymprick for (always) being lost

• Cockatool awarded Down Downs to 3 ladies in a T-shirt and something to do with a Xmas Tree in a toilet

• Cockatool for booking 3 train tickets (including 2 first class) from Newcastle to Aberdeen when one would do and then not using them

• Muff Diver and High Maintenance for casually discarding their Xmas card from Aids and Cinders

• High Maintenance again for getting Septic Sporan to buy her a bottle of fizz when she already had a bottle on the table and then taking it home (yeah, go girl)

• One Liner for forgetting to thank the organisers for the party and then

• The organisers of the party Sharnie, Fireflaps, Red Stripe and Aids

• Muff Diver (awarded by Flying Dutchman) for telling Flying Dutchman on the Friday night run that he knew which pubs the trail was going to as he had a GPS chip on Hillary and then led Flying Dutchman to Poundland!

• The Duchess for telling Toy Boy Tom to Piss Off as she was about to pee in the bushes

Visitors from Mearns and Edinburgh hashes

And last but not least, the Hare Willy Watzoff

On On

Pink Panther

As part of the AH3 1900 anniversary weekend, AH3 had a run of a Saturday! The RA welcomed the 4 visitors: a Duracell Bunny and 3 Edinburgh Hashers: Septic Sporran, Flying Dutchman and Shiva. Recurring visitors to the extent that some might say are perhaps more akin to squatters than visitors.

Turning to the established AH3 Hashers in the Circle, the RA asked the Circle who Red Stripe’s red-striped trousers reminded us of. To be honest, they reminded most of us of Red Stripe. However, to GM, they reminded him of someone in an old rock band. Each to their own!

After a couple of the RA’s jokes, the pack took little encouragement to flee the Circle and head off on the trail.

It wasn’t long before the pack reached the first stop, high up on the Gramps. Not a sweetie stop. But a booby stop. Twizzle was keen to show his boobs, but only showed he’s challenged in that department. Fire Flaps and Red Stripe showed otherwise in plenty!

Instead of basing the trail on the usual paths through the Gramps, the Hare took to off-path parts that many of us had not seen before. Even to one part that end up with us following Septic Sporran through ever thicker broom, guided only be the distant voice of the Hare, only to be told by the Hare that that flour wasn’t the trail because the broom was impenetrable (not now, it’s not!) so he’d laid some flour elsewhere!

Amazingly, the Hare had cunningly managed to fit the whole trail on the Gamps. The beer stop was at the viewpoint splendidly overlooking Aberdeen, where the Pack lingered for refreshment. Maybe they were refreshing their senses as they gazed at the panorama from the golden beaches and blue sea of the east to the green-grey soft hills of the west. Or perhaps their refreshment was just guzzling beer!

Charges in the Circle from the RAs of Aids, Twizzle and Red Stripe admonished with down-downs those who deserved to be admonished, mainly from events from the Friday night run. The Hare was thanked with a down-down as was Friday night’s Hare, Twizzle.

On! On! to this evening’s Christmas party!

Stonehaven Run 3b

It was a jolly pleasant day for December. Australians might have termed it a little parky - but hey, - we're not in Australia are we? I was in plenty of time to select a good parking spot and watch the masses assemble at the start.

The usual pleasantries were exchanged as we stood about waiting for the GM to create order out of chaos. This Little Shit managed to do with little apparent effort. Underestimate this man at your peril. As you know, his hearing is a little suspect and this was proved when he accused me of talking as the circle was forming. Moi? I guessed that telling him that I wasn't able to stay for the circle wouldn't have made him change his mind and give the scribe's duties to someone else, so I shut up.

We had one new runner, a youngster - more of whom later. RA Aids awarded a 200 run fleece (I remember when you got (yet another) sweatshirt) to Red Stripe who wasted no time showing off a Christmas t-shirt (but nothing else) before getting her down-down. Next into the circle, for the pre-run down down was Shit Boyfriend who had been a little peaky at breakfast apparently - especially when presented with a book detailing fine whisky!

There wasn't a horrible history lesson (we took a poll and almost everyone was quite relieved at this) but not to fear - the RA had a joke: a joke worthy of repeating here:

A couple of circus performers went to an adoption agency and asked to adopt a child. The agency staff felt a detailed discussion was necessary to determine their suitability as parents, as they obviously led an unconventional lifestyle.

They asked about accommodation due to their nomadic lives and the couple showed them photos of an enormous motorhome where they would bring up the child with all mod cons! They asked about education and the couple explained that they would hire a personal tutor so the child would receive a top rate education.

There were many more questions along similar lines and, as you guessed, the couple answered them very positively every time.

Finally the head of the adoption agency told them that they were satisfied the couple would make good parents. "One final question" said the agency boss, "would you like to have a boy or a girl?"

"We don't mind" said the couple "just as long as they fit into the cannon"!

Boom boom (boom)!!!

Shortly after this little gem we were off.

Telling that joke has taken up all my time I'm afraid so I'll have to cut the rest short.

We ran to Dunotter Castle, the War Memorial (sweetie stop) then down into town, past the Carron Restaurant and into the woods for the beer stop. Then it was an easy walk back to the car park.

My verdict? A nice simple run, ideal for a bright day in December. Well done Underlay.

With that I had to go. On on to the 1800^th weekend. See you there.

ON ON,

SERG

PS - the youngster? He got lost after 5 minutes much to his mother's dismay but he managed to get to the beer stop. All the makings of a fine hasher there I feel.

Although Glasgow and her Junior Assistant Hare got wet setting the run, by the time the run started the sun had come out and it proved to be a pleasant event. As a walkie-talkie I couldn't figure out why I was awarded the Scribe as I wouldn't be with the main body of the run. Just feckin get on with it seemed to be the order of the day.

Never mind, I got to be the first to wear the brand new yellow fluorescent Scribe waistcoat. The hares also got brand new fluorescent waistcoats, orange in their case. So they don't get confused with being the scribe I suppose. Full marks to Sharnie for acquiring and affixing the AHHH logo to them. Wonder if she ironed Little Shit's shirts while she was at it?

At the opening circle brief mention was made of email etiquette, particularly the indiscriminate use of the Onelist in the last week. The consensus was that the circle and committee were the places to raise concerns and also that people should think before hitting the 'reply all' button. All it does is clutter up folk's inboxes and advertises the appalling grammar of one or two of us! Bin Liner was nominated as the new Head Hare

Right, that's that shit out of the way. There were four new runners turned up. Alastair his son Logan who turned out to be like greased lightning.

It's a pity they were following Barbarella, who inadvertently took a massive short-cut, ending up at the beer check long before even the walkie-talkies. Karolina and Nigel were new walkie-talkies who were delayed slightly at the start trying to pay for the car parking at the pay machine which didn't work! They walked around in the company of It's All Because. I trust they were duly sympathetic when he told them about Maya (aka Killer) and her badly broken leg. I wasn't sure who he was talking about at first, but a process of elimination told me that he was talking about his dog and not Mrs IAB. Anyway, they took a wrong turning and missed the beer check, but Barbarella did his superman thing and brought them back. Not sure what the newcomers thought of the Hash, but none of them stayed to the end of the closing circle. In fact Alastair was seen to be covering Logan's ears at one stage!

At the opening circle Golden Shower got a down-down for taking the piss or something (can't read my own notes!)

Hillary did his usual historical discourse. Apparently in 1793 something happened which linked the gunpowder plot with Scotland. I have no idea what it was – in one ear and out the other as usual - but don't forget, you heard it first on the Hash! Although it was a Guy Fawkes hash, no one bothered to dress up so Hillary magically produced some bonfire night props. Bin Liner's dog promptly ran away with one of the hats.

Hillary also highlighted a glitch in a supermarket's alcohol policy when he tried to purchase non-alcoholic beer before 10am. Despite remonstrating at the checkout and getting sympathy from the staff - the computer says no!

On bonfire night Aids apparently climbed into his loft with a flask of coffee to watch the beach fireworks display. It was only after Aberdeen disappeared behind a wall of rain did he realise the display had been cancelled. At least that's his excuse for being alone in a dark loft with only a hot drink for company.

As I wasn't on the main run, any indiscretions listed hereafter are second hand and I take no responsibility for the accuracy of them. Only thing I saw was the large pile of bagged dog poo building up because the poo bin was full. If the bin's full, take it home - or is that too complicated for dog walkers?

It appears that the FRB's missed out a big loop - would that be Barbarella again?

Underlay showed off his muscular prowess at the sweetie stop by single-handedly tearing open a box of Celebrations. Also he and Roger Me More were spotted showing affection to each other and holding hands - a Cardinal Hash Sin!

The closing circle had a number of down-downs for the usual specious reasons.

• Aids for not appointing an assistant RA until halfway through the run.

• Hippo and Bin Liner for not marking checks, even though there were others before them.

• Bin Liner managed to pour beer over his dog.

• Cinders for allegedly yapping on the hash. Doesn't that apply to all Harriettes?

• T-Rex Cock for spouting some rugby shite.

• Hillary for losing his hat to a dog.

• Underlay for being spoiled at home. Doesn't he realise there will be a price to pay? A day of reckoning?

• But perhaps the best one went to Glasgow for letting slip that her father just got married without telling her (and thus legitimising her?). Ah well - at least it was to the bidie-in!

The Hares got the usual down-down at the end. Glasgow complained that the Junior Assistant Hare kept trying to take over and she was not going to be submissive!

On On

Goat Wrestler

LS - for insertion into the appropriate digital orifices, Tonto

Well, a fine and sunny day by the side of Aberdeenshire's most lovely loch IMHO. It's not always been easy to get access to Dunecht Estate. Well done Hare.

Twizzle has negotiated mountains of paperwork which he took some 52.5 minutes to explain to the circle. It seems our biggest risk was of drowning as there was Deepwater on the Horizon (have you seen the movie yet? Not for those still going offshore!) However it seems not all residents are supporters of our noisy Sunday rabble - reports of flour dots erased reached my ears. I didn't see them, they weren't there, and nor was I! More of this later.

So ON ON round the pond, wisely we stayed off trail as it turned out to be a leech and tick infested swamp parallel to the path. One check in we continued straight ahead. From here FRB's sensibly began to look closely at side paths - must be a back check soon, and a deviation into the woods. Yes here it is. JC blows his horn, on left, lots of flour. FRB's follow at pace, your scribe accompanying to report on their adventures.

Here was the two plank bridge. Very slippery character, but negotiated bravely by JC, Tonto, Scratchy (still no name?) and then Golden Shower. Ooooops, On In, Golden Shower slips on one board, narrowly avoids a ball crushing straddle, and then snaps one plank in two before entering the water to waist depth.

On On into the woods and back towards the Loch. Curious how the flour dots are all on the wrong side of the trees, making it very slow, a useful but long defunct tactic to slow the FRB's. Some speculation that Twizzle might be left handed as the dots are on the wrong side of the trail too.

Could we be heading for a NO NO. no no, not at all, we would have found the beer by now. Keep hashing and carry on.

Now here is an arrow, that's better, except it is going the wrong way! Where form here, well there is flour to the right on trees, and across the ditch also to the right, and across the ditch straight on. What the F***? How many times did the hare lay this? So we split, must be a check marked by an arrow instead of a circle. That’ll be it.

The straight ahead pack soon found the trail going right too. The right hand trail came to a very curious set of hieroglyphics: OIN From here we could go straight - into a back check or back on the opposite side of the burn - back to where we had just come form or left through a double arrow to a check with an arrow to the left. So lets try that, aha, flour, back to the previous arrow check. We are doomed, no beer, no sense to the trail.

At this point your humble scribe had to cease reporting and take on his true vocation as fearless leader. Tonto needed to live up to his handle and sniff out the trail. What if we are on a NO NO? well we must come into this check from somewhere, so let's check out the trails with no flour 'cos what we know is that where the trail is there has been little or no flour, and where the trail isn't there has been abundant flour - how the mind of a genihash works!

Then New runner Olly chimed in that he had met the hare over there. ON ON. The FRB's (or are they BRF's - backward running forwards) fell back into good spirts and determined to hash the NO NO until they met the pack on the ON ON, at which most became ON ON though some devout BRF's continued NO NO NO to prove a point.

Anyway, to the beer, at the folly on the loch. Great view to the cars, but rather a long way T Rex Cock pondered if we could Ride a White Swan home. And then ON IN, easy. Except we now had to re-cross the bridge of two planks that is one. Golden Shower redeemed himself and built a new one plank with handrail bridge, which enable a safe crossing for most. Not for some who doubted such gallantry could exist - Olymprick deviated further to cross the ditch and wandered into the circle belatedly.

The circle ensued, and Down Downs flowed in the ever smaller goblets - is it concern for our health, our licenses, or hash funds that is leading to such miniatures? And how do you get the beer chest unlocked once the circle has started?

• Hillary and Barbarella won the costume prize

• Ballerina and fellow Piss Artists for a Piss Poor Performance

• Olymprick, Big Al (welcome back), and Bruce Almighty were lost on trail

• The Duchess was well ahead with the clock changing, must be living with Numbskull.

• Muff Diver the Costume Flayer for disrespect to Hash garb

• Olymprick for best costume again

The Hare who apparently laid a fine trail, shame the FRB's missed it.

ON ON

Tonto

Sunday morning arrived bright, cool and dry so it was a good Hashing day. Allowing the same length of time we give to get to any run site we were soon just a tad behind where we should have been to arrive in time for a chat before the main sporting event of the morning. Best endeavours to make up said time discrepancy were hampered by the actions of the recipient of the pre run down down – see below. However, we made the run site before the circle, indeed in time for a quick catch up with some fellow Hashers. Have you noticed how these catch up exchanges no longer feature the daring do of youthful exploit or of stupidity born of unwise levels of alcohol consumption (well this does still feature just not as often)? We can however exchange views and tips on how to cope with bodies that just do not do what is requested of them without some form of discomfort, pain or actual down right refusal.

Anyway, the GM called us to order and announced that Eggfoo was appointed assistant RA for the run, which is in effect a license to winkle out as much gossip and tale telling from whoever could supply same. See reference above re lack of youthful exploits – so gleaning gossip and tale telling is no longer an easy task, it takes two on the task of RA.

GM also announced that our Christmas Party will be on Saturday 10th December and will be held in the Holburn Bar – not the Albyn nightclub as some thought - bit of an accent issue when Manchester scowl was not understood by middle England twaddle.

Aids awarded pre run down down and the Hares stood in to tell us of the trail ahead. (Actually before the Hares; Aids opted to share some jokes he had picked up on a wine tasting tour, but the least said about the jokes the better – however I do warn you that these were just the tip of the iceberg – I just drank the wine and passed on the childish joke coral that took up residence on the tour bus)

Ah! the Hares. This was to be a short run said Hippo, which started to sound just a little disengenious when Mrs T added in some softening words like, there are a couple of good running bits and if you find yourself running against an indicated short cut turn around and take the short cut. Hippo countered with - and if you do not like uneven ground best just run up the path behind the cars and back down again. Yorkshire bluntness.

Motivation levels at this point? Not great.

Was there any potential to avoid the run? No.

However there was a ray of hope as it was to be a short run - short is defined in Chalmers Concise Dictionary as “of little length, tallness, extent or duration” – great joy and happiness despite the run having the potential to be a physical trial it would not last long Hurrah!

So shuffling in the direction indicated by Hippo’s elbow the runners, a loosely used term, set off. Across a road climbed over a wall slithered down a drop splashed through a bogy bit clambered up a slippery bit and then bounded into a plentiful supply of gorse bushes. Excellent that is the first 200 yards done.

Heading east the pack made its way through a substantial amount of broken ground with tantalising but brief forays onto proper path. Then lo and behold we were directed uphill to the quarry, a regular feature of many hashes in this area. Ah ha so now we know where we are going because runs out here always go ………… Not this time – on your right scramble up the scree - first up was One Liner, a neat assent, next was Underlay whose speed sent rocks of significant dimension hurtling down to the pack gawping at the bottom. Bugger that we’ll stick to the path and see what happens. Our GM however opted to show true leadership and followed One Liner and Underlay – well he demonstrated a lack of thought and no sense at all as at the top of the scree the intrepid trio ran round to meet those of us who had stuck to the path. Then a descent back to where we had all started from as this was but a loop. Hippo was delighted with himself because he had used this tricky manoeuvre before and we had fallen for it again! It had been 30 years before but what the heck a pack of Hashers tricked into a pointless loop is a thing that can exhibit true bloody annoyance.

At this point the trail became rather pleasant, a warning sign on a Hippo and Mrs T trail. Then it dawned that there was no second hare with us – we were at Hippo’s mercy - and no walkie talkies. Yep to converge the pack there needed to be more wall climbing, road crossing, slithering down drops, splashing through bog and clambering up perilous slopes. No gorse this time, just an abundance of trees with very low branches. Not sure that is a win win situation. Anyway on we went for some considerable time – by way of a memory jog I repeat - short is defined in Chalmers Concise Dictionary as “of little length, tallness, extent or duration” – and distance.

With effort we met up with the walkie talkies, consumed the sweeties at the sweetie stop that had a most impressive view, wholly enhanced by the weather on the day as you could see for miles – many of which required to be covered before returning to the cars. On we went across, down, through that is walls, drops, bog etc., and you get the idea, on to the beer check. At this point as we had been out for 2 hours the discussion turned to short – really! Assured by the Hares that the distance covered was in fact a mere four miles the word that should have been applied by way of descriptor for this run was perspective – defined by the Chalmers Concise Dictionary as “a way of regarding facts and their relative importance” . Or mathematically short distance covered by way of hard terrain equals bloody knackered. I rest my case.

All in all a dam fine trail, on a superb day and then - the On On was soup and crumble at the Ropers. The perfect Hashing day!

Pre Run Down Down:

• Sun Choo Lin – who despite driving a Smartcar was posted lost on the A944 west of Sauchen but short of the run site

Post run down downs:

• Aids and Cinders for excessive spending in the casinos of Las Vegas, well $6 dollars all in with a $5 dollar return – tight arses

• Panty Pockets and Bag o’ Bones for visiting again from Dar Al Salam, Tanzania

• Underlay and Roger me More for too much sex (fortunately this is undertaken privately and not on the runs)

• Its All Because and Batty for prolonged discussion of the hip movements of Rollo and Sherlock (these are dogs who come with their masters to our runs and should not be abused in such a manner being young and innocent, the dogs that is not the owners!)

• Its All Because for cheating by taking motivation gadgetry with him on the run

• JC for having a new van and not denying that he and Fifi had properly tested the sleeping arrangements, so it is now to be referred to as the Shag Wagon

• The Penguin for telling a truly awful joke which did sound a bit Donald Trumpish, not an approved role model for one so impressionable

The Hares – well one of them who managed both down downs for a jolly good run, even if we had done it before 30 years ago

Cinders

After a cloudy & chilly early morning, the clouds cleared and a glorious summer day developed which necessitated half of us stripping off to just one short sleeved tee shirt as we then had one of the hottest days of the Aberdeen year.

Little Shit, our G.M., welcomed everybody to the run including our annual holiday makers from Tanzania. Underlay finally arrived 5 minutes late as he had got lost. Considering he is one of the few Aberdonians amongst us, he was given some stick about geography.

Little Shit announced that the one Xmas venue for Xmas dinner had now increased to three, and we were now spoilt for choice!

Fireflaps enquired if a naked run was viable in the centre of town and Little Shit was not letting on about the venues. It will be a surprise to us as well as to whoever is having us!

Horrible History Lesson from Hillary: “The Doctors Riots New York”.

Apparently the medical students in the teaching college in NY close to the graveyards would nip over the wall of the local graveyard and dig up a body to practice on. The locals were not happy!

Still a walking wounded I set off at a brisk walk attempting to keep up with the pack as scribe intending to fully report on the misadventures of the front runners.

The Walkie Talkies had been pointed in a direction, 90 degrees to where we had been pointed by the sneaky elbow of the hare. Insider info from a chat earlier in the week had indicated that the Walkie Talkies would be going in the opposite direction to the pack. A little misleading! Bearing this in mind and there was a brand new bridge to cross laden with ‘W’ signs I was able to catch up with the pack after a mile or so when there much milling about at the new ‘Diamond’ bridge where the two trails crossed causing much confusion. Fortunately Ballerina eventually found the correct trail, minus a ‘W’, and led the pack on to the old pack horse trail leading towards Old Aberdeen.

As an old crock and wise to the shenanigans of the Hare I wisely short cutted at the old Bridge of Don and missed out a loop down to the main bridge of Don. A jaunt then through Seaton Park admiring the flower beds took us towards St Machar Cathedral.

Now where did the trail go? Seeing activity on the bend of the river, I elected not to follow trail up the hill and short cutted expecting the sweetie stop by now. Not to be! It was a dozen canoeist in colourful hash like clothing that had foxed me!

Where to go? B.....ks to the hill I’m following the river!

Not inspired by a call from behind by Ballerina coming down the hill towards the river I allowed him and JC to catch up with me. We were all off trail and I was given a lecture on how to be a competent hasher. There were no complaints from them when we passed a store that sold Magnums!

Much discussion whether to invest in the new local community hydro electric scheme that we passed at ‘up to’ 7% interest and eventually found the sweetie stop! The Walkie Talkies and FRB’s had long been there and had nearly scoffed the lot. They had missed a few amongst the wrappers!

As scribe I thought I should try and complete the whole run but Thruppeny Bits wisely advised me not to be daft and follow her to the beer check only 100 m away from the sweetie stop after another mile loop for the FRB’s.

Nugget by this time was cream crackered and was begging a lift from the hare who promptly asked for £5.Undaunted he went round the pack asking if he could borrow enough for a lift. I believe the hare did take pity on him.

A stroll back then in beautiful weather to the start and the circle.

Down Downs:

• Tonto: Financial impropriety

• High Maintenance: Sex Aids

• Bin Liner: RB? Can’t remember what it stood for!

• Ballerina: FRB

• Big Willie: His knee!

• Mrs T: It was 6” long eventually turning blue late in the season and then she had to chop it!

• Muff Diver, Fireflaps and Binliner responding to the allure of Bar 99 with the password Kirkintulloch after getting bored with a pre movie lecture and Numbskull heckling the lecturer

• Barbarella & Pig Iron: Inept Civil Servants and a windswept airport in St Helena

• Hares, Muff Diver and High Maintenance

On Inn: Buckie Farm, the Parkway

On On Drillbit

Was feeling a little fragile after post beast celebrations with Oneliner and Shiggy Tits, but forced myself to get out of bed and accompany Oneliner to Keith for the joint Aberdeen Elgin annual hash bash. Good decision fab day fab run and fab company. And also my privilege to record the run's indiscretions and best bits.

Pre run down down for:

• The visitor Scot Death from USA

• And Strap On and Swiss Spanker.

• And also Barbarella for being a keen bean and achieving 48 runs last year...get a life!!!!!

Announcements from Fireflaps via the gm re xmas party, theatre trip and something else i can't remember.

A welcome from Elgin's GM and the hare's explanation of checks for our visitors ( which wasn't strictly adhered to.... In reality 2 arrows pointing in 2 different directions ...new one on me:) there was a horrible history lesson from Hillary and Spotty Dog regarding the off spring of Australian convicts and Robinson Crusoe!

And then we were off.

There was the usual milling around at the start so i used the opportunity to check out Keith's fine public loos ... And have a chat with my boss who had mysteriously appeared at the bus stop...worried she's stalking me now!!!

So.... We were running up the road like sheep, baa, until someone remembered to follow flour and we headed off out of the housing estate into some woods eventually arriving at a waterfall. We then crossed the big scarey road we had been warned about, that would get us the second time if we managed a first successful crossing!

We passed alongside the electric substation apparently a new pipeline from Dounreay and some unheard of place in the west will be connecting to said substation in due course. We ran down (well some of us did) a very very long road alongside some spectacularly ordinary looking bullocks, and sheep... always worried that they might have extra or missing bits when they are so close to substations...... We found the beer stop at the end of this long road and were counselled to take the interesting historical route to the circle rather than the obvious direct route...

So, dutifully the interested parties headed diagonally across the park to the auld bridge as the hash resident witch I didnae tarry, just in case i was dunked per local folklore...didn't stop Bum Bum Crumbs causing some hashers heart failure as she shimmied along the top of said bridge on her knees.

The second A96 road crossing was skilfully achieved by the pack, having successfully negotiated the rail track there were no trains coming as checked by Bum Bum Crumbs and Barbarella, red indian style ear to the ground. Having survived the beast the day before, here I was injured by dangerous nettles causing my usual skilful fence climbing to become less than graceful.

Subsequently, there was a pack visit to the local distillery where a group photo was taken and I suspect it was at this point we lost Drillbit and ballerina to a bit of tasting, despite their vigorous denial !!!!! Somewhere along said railway line Hillary had lost his friend the flour and followed the track instead what a silly hasher!

Despite all this and more, Struth, High Maintenance and yours truly had time to play in the park...I mean supervise Bum Bum Crumbs as she scaled dizzy heights !!

Notwithstanding the hare's attempts to lead us into someone’s back garden courtesy of the words" on inn "displayed in 3 foot high flour markings outside a private residence, the owners of said back garden dubiously accepted our explanation that we were on a fun run and not robbing their house or cleaning up our cocaine trail it was a little difficult as said Bum Bum Crumbs was on her hands and knees and had started snorting...well of course she didn't but she was doing something weird attempting to lift the cocaine like substance with her hands and carry it somewhere..................?????? Is it any wonder we were being observed with suspicion????

So, we , the would be growing bad pack, Struth, yours truly, High Maintenance, Drillbit and Ballerina led by said Bum Bum Crumbs eventually reached the circle and had some lovely soup and some more, and then lovely sandwiches and we all dodged the doggy poo as the circle went into full flow

I had nothing to scribble on or with so will no doubt have forgotten many of the downs downs, but what i do remember or my interpretation of, is as follows:-

• Oneliner and myself for taking part in the beast I think was the jest

• Muff Diver for mission impossible manoeuvres to uplift his stranded vehicle after AGPU and failing to observe that he could simply have pushed at an open door/gate

• Hillary, after several rebounding charges identifying wrong indiscretions with our various visiting hashers there was a lot of shirt lifting and said visitors had to be rescued!

• Barbarella for visiting Keith the night before and accepting a lift home only to receive a further lift back to Keith for the hash...still too keen methinks

• Bum Bum Crumbs for cyber crime....changing her weekly school report to a glowing report that was perhaps less glowing in reality.... I'm still catching flies over this...!!!!

• The penguin for making sure he wasn't late for the hash by staying overnight in Keith...dirty stop out methinks!

• Muff Diver again.. for being dobbed in by bad girl Caitlin who having persuaded me to give her the hash horn at the outset (there's no harm she's just a wee thing!!!!!) At Muff Divers insistence, she dumped the horn in some bushes because "it's rubbish"

• Ballerina for grave robbing

• The hare for a fab trail and Spotty Dog and Tutti Fruity and the hare for fab food.

The usual’s appeared to stagger in the direction of the on inn, and i went home to soothe my nettle rash and hangover

Skinny Witch

Late Summer Frolics

Gosh, doesn’t time fly! It only seems like two weeks ago that I penned my last scribe… hang on… it was only TWO BLOODY WEEKS AGO since I penned my last scribe! The new GM (Little Shit) wanted to get the old GM to do this week’s scribe, but… he wasn’t there. So the new GM had to find another hasher who supports a rubbish football team to award the horn and jacket too. Well it can’t be me I thought. My team isn’t in the Championship and isn’t even bottom of the Premiership. [It’s just a matter of time. Ed]

However Little Shit walked right past Tonto and gave the scribe kit to ME! So when was the last time Monsieur Flipping Tanteau attempted a scribe? Longer than TWO BLOODY WEEKS AGO at any rate! [Stop whinging and get on with it…Ed] Apparently, if you write half-decent run reports all the time, you keep getting asked back to do more. So I will now attempt to make this scribe as execrable as possible [you shouldn’t have to try hard then…Ed] to avoid future scribing. Oops, ignore that last sentence, the GM has made up a new rule: if you write up more than one scribe a year, you get excused haring duties for 2 months. What a good deal. You heard it here first folks.

Normally I would introduce a side-splittingly funny observation about a random hasher at this point, but I’ve discovered I’ve already used up my year’s supply of old jokes, so I’d better get on with the run report.

The hares changed the on-on location just before the run, so as to exasperate the head hare, and show off their neighbour’s new invention: a do-it-yourself automatic electronic mechanically-opening gate.

However I hadn’t been a safety engineer for 30 years without learning how to mess things up big time. [Shouldn’t that be “without learning how to use a systematic, risk-based approach to identifying the inherent design hazard and operating system flaws”?..Ed] Possible Ed. Anyway I discovered how you can drive a farmer berserk by driving backwards and forwards just out of the path of the invisible beam from the do-it-yourself automatic electronic mechanically-opening gate thingy. He finally managed to interpose his body in the way of the beam, and the do-it-yourself automatic electronic mechanically- opening gate swung open to allow me to park in his field.

Short run up to the old railway line, or “Deeside Way” as we are supposed to call it. Walkers to the left, normal hashers to the right. At Murtle station (or was it Bieldside station?) we left for a tour of Bieldside, where the streets were deserted with no signs of life. Eerie. Then we turned a corner into an estate, bursting with life: dogs, babies, old men gardening, kids on bikes, adults on bikes, guys are swimming, guys are sailing, playing baseball, gee that’s better…The trail was marked by red feet as well as flour, which was a first for AH3, and passed the community church into countryside which must have been one the hare’s boyhood haunts, although Tonto suggested it was more like a Somme battlefield.

One of the highlights of my boyhood [clever link. Ed], was re-enacting the Battle of Thermopylae in Dawdon Dene as part of a history lesson in Junior School - and I got to make my own helmet! The history teacher also told us that the Trojan horse was really a night mare. She also told us about a famous ancient Greek who went to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor says: “Euripides?” The famous ancient Greek replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” We didn’t laugh either. It was almost as bad as our RA teacher’s joke about the Buddhist who goes up to a hot dog stand and says, “make me one with everything”. [stick with your puns. Ed]

The run led back into modern civilisation, Cults, the home of the Yellow Foot tribe – well that’s what the signs suggested to Toy Boy Tom, who got his tracker badge in the Cults scouts, so he should know. But we didn’t actually see any Red Indians, just like the walkie-talkies didn’t actually see any zebras – and Muff Diver should forfeit his Naturalist and Honesty badges for saying so).

The run went along the river, but some of us decided we should check out the walkie-talkie’s trail as well: more old-fashioned railway line, but with no railway children waving their red petticoats to liven things up.

Following arrows all the way (arrows never lie) Sharnie and I followed a lovely trail along the river and up a steep path to the On-Inn, and had to hitch a lift back towards the beer stop on a beach on a river, where Little Shit pictured himself…[Nobody’s going to get the reference, T.Rex Cock, you’ve tried to make this joke before. Ed] A pleasant place to relax with a beer (and lashings of yummy Haribos) in the sunshine, although the beer wasn’t flat enough for Willie Wotzoff – Hash Beer please note.

Back to the On-Inn, the hare’s family home, where his parents, not knowing too much about hashers, had arranged an exhibition of local art for us. But we appreciated the view of the River Dee from their garden.

They also barbecued lots of goodies which I had to miss, because I had to leave early, and the RA kept prolonging the circle by finding miscreants to give down-downs to.

These included:

Fifi and Fireflaps for infiltrating secret passageways, Tonto, who, when trying to avoid walking in water, moved the stone [Religious reference coming up? Ed], which forced JC to try and walk on water, but failing Fifi and Hebe for keeping hashing in the family Toy Boy Tom, for giving Fireflaps the ride of her life TBT again for displaying his breast fetish on his Muscat T-shirt (he said they were jebels, but this couldn’t have been right, because it was a Muscat Family Hash T-shirt, not a Jebel Hash T-shirt) [stop showing off. Ed] and TBT again, for his expensive new haircut.

This allowed the RA to introduce his new rule:

3 down-downs and you have to sit out the rest of the circle in the stocks. He also tried to introduce giant dog bowls for down downs, being an appropriate punishment for the intrepid dog-owners Its All Because and Bin Liner, but, as they made such a hash of it [Groan. Ed], I don’t think it will catch on. And finally to White Bolt and Alex for a good, interesting run [around Cults? Ed] with lots of flour and no barbed wire.

Pip! Pip!

T.Rex Cock

Two (not so little) girls go up a big hill

Hmm…..you would think after too many years hashing, I’d be a bit wiser to the deviousness of our GMs but no. Asked who was going on the Medium run and despite High Maintenance’s attempts to warn me, I duly stuck up my hand and was “awarded” hash scribe. And all I got was a crappy little horn that makes no noise! Oh well.

In a desperate attempt to wiggle out of this onerous duty, I even went to the length of then switching to the LONG run, but to no avail. So this is a tale of two halves – first half on the MEDIUM run and second on the LONG run.

After a pleasant bus drive through Aberdeen’s upmarket suburbs, collecting hashers as we went, we arrived at the ON ON at Glen Dye. The two hares – Muff Diver and Twizzle provided interesting but conflicting descriptions of their runs, one had 3 dots and you were “on”, the other 4 dots, some had circles with crosses and some didn’t, one had lots of flour, the other didn’t, etc etc but the good news was that both had sweeties and beer stops.

Off the hash set, across the road and over a very old picturesque bridge, along the road a bit more and then into the woods. At this point, both trails were the same. Along and up we went, enjoying the very pretty woods and burns, but…..the sky was darkening and the wind was picking up. Ohhhhh is it going to rain, wondered the two (not so) little girls as they started to gain height. Especially as there was neither sight nor sound of the rest of the hash.

On up the two (not so) little girls went through the woods, gaining height and some spectacular views of Deeside, Banchory, Bennachie and Scolty. But the wind was getting stronger, the sky was getting darker and now they were alone in the woods, having (long) abandoned sense and opted for the LONG run.

On up they went, stumbling through the thick heather and bog, following the white blobs on top of fence posts, looking vainly for any signs of human life but all they could see were lots and lots of large wind turbines. On up over Little Kerloch and then, cruelly, down before heading on up Kerloch, the big hill. Finally the two (not so) little girls reached the summit, only to find that despite a large B in a circle, there was no beer (or sweeties) for them! And nobody in sight! Oh the despair!!!

Battling through the gale force winds, the two (not so) little girls descended glumly along the track, following the surprisingly generous amounts of flour (the hare not being known to use a lot normally), down and down the big hill. And at last, when thirst and hunger were almost too much to bear, a small loch with large buildings attached, was seen in the distance! Hurrah!

Finally the two (not so) little girls made it to the On Inn and the very welcome shelter, BBQ and drink at Knockburn Loch Activity Centre.

After filling their faces with lots of lovely rolls, sausages, burgers and for the more healthy among us, salads (well done to the caterers), the RA Aids then attempted to impose order and get the AGM going. Which he did remarkably well considering that there seemed to be NO nominations for any of the awards nor for the new committee.

Things are a bit hazy now due to copious amounts of Crabbies, but Toy Boy Tom seemed to get an awful lots of down-downs. I do remember he got the Best and Worst Run of the Year for the same run (last Monday run down the beach, which was very good and had the added attraction of a stunning sunset, well organised TBT!). And also Hashshit of the Year – no idea why. And the two (not so) little girls also got a Down Down for doing the LONG run all by themselves.

And onto the new committee – hardly any nominations again! What happened to the tried and tested method of stitching up unsuspecting people for the committee roles???? – worked a treat for many years at AH3!-).But as far as I can remember,

• Little Shit is our new GM,

• Sharnie remains HashCash,

• Muff Diver as Head Hare,

• Underlay and Prickly Bush are Hash Beer,

• RAs are Aids and Twizzle,

• Social Sec is Fireflaps and Smurf.

Can’t remember any other ones and no responsibility is accepted for any errors or omissions!(I’m sure the Editor will correct any mistakes).

So the old committee were duly thanked with a Down Down and then the new committee welcomed with the same.

I do remember our new GM promising better beer for the same money! Must be a politician………

NB Little Shit, your promise is now in writing!!!

Some party games followed inside, the balloon game being the most amusing!

A great day oot and many thanks to both hares for great runs and all who organised it!

Pink Panther

Lead kindly light, amid th’encircling gloom

Lead thou me on. If only…

Lots of harriettes ask me how I got my hash name. “How do you get your hash name, T.Rex Cock?”, they ask. I normally respond by showing them my eye-wateringly large penis. Now this satisfies most harriettes, but I should reveal the real truth. I was named in honour of the famed Viennese psychiatrist and hash supporter, Dr. Rex T. Koch. Dr Koch is willing to answer queries about your hashing problems. Here is a recent example:

Dear Dr. Koch, I have this recurring dream. I go to see my favourite football team play, but, instead the team is made up of AH3 harriettes, all completely naked. They look so lovely I can’t take my eyes off them. Is this normal?

T.Rex C Worried Hasher

Dear Vorried Hasher, you have nossing to vorry about. Perhaps your Team aren’t doing so vell in zer League, Ha Ha! Anyway, zis is all perfectly Normal. After all, who vouldn’t want to see those lovely big AH3 Harriettes naked, with their large soft Breasts, and their little pink… [that’s enough psychiatry.. Ed]

Anyway, back at the run…

With no horrible hash history lesson on the night, I was really worried I might have missed about 1783. Too early for the French revolution, too late for Spinning Jenny, penicillin not even in Mr Johnson’s latest dictionary. I think I’m running out of history. Hillary wouldn’t have thought William Pitt (the Younger) taking office would be significant, so I decided he would have thought this run was significant because 1783 was the date of the last public hanging – of a pair of hares who set a lousy trail. So nothing to do with this evening’s run, obviously.

Durris Forest is a popular spot - the small car park was overflowing – but not popular enough with the GM and the RA, who were noticeably absent. Thank goodness Hash Beer made it safely (my weekly prayer). We marked the occasion of High Maintenances 150th run and the hash surviving 750 appearances by Numskull with pre-run down-downs. Then off we went uphill.

The hare had laid three routes, with more than an abundance of signs, a veritable superfluity in fact - just as well the evening’s rain was only light – if they’d washed out, we wouldn’t have a clue where we were going. As it turned out, we did have a clue as to where we’d been. I was jogging along, enjoying the human-canine interactions which certainly add to the hare and hounds experience, when I kept having flashbacks. “That woodshed looks familiar….I’ve seen this grassy track before… didn’t I run past these trees not half-an-hour ago?” The hare had copied Barbarella’s trick of running over the same trail twice, only this time, it ended successfully, i.e. with Little Shit whinging profusely, at a welcome sweetie stop.

Little Shit and Toy Boy Tom had a good reminiscence about their jobs pre-oil industry:

LS: I hated my job as a welder, but until I found another, I had to solder on... until I came down with metallurgy and had to go on the sick

TBT: I only just failed my interview as a hairdresser ... it was quite a close shave

LS: I went for a job as a taxidermist. The wages were terrible so I told them to stuff it.

TBT: I was teaching foreign students and one said he was a Pole. I said, "Are you positive?"

LS: I was a driving instructor for 10 years. Gave it up. Felt I needed a brake.

TBT: Then I was a historian, but there wasn't any future in it.

LS: I invested in a hot air balloon business. Unfortunately, it didn’t get off the ground.

TBT: I was once a Urologist but I kept taking the piss

LS: I was gonna try my hand as a juggler but in the end I didn't have the balls

TBT: People often ask me how I got my job as a book editor, well to cut a long story short...

LS: My missus once was a nurse... but she didn't have the patience

TBT: I once went for a job at Specsavers ... the bloke gave me 4 pork chops and a pound of mince.

LS: I got a job on the bins. It was rubbish.

TBT: I set up a business transporting office supplies but all my deliveries were stationary .......

LS: I had a job in a fireplace factory. It was grate while it lasted.

TBT: I started work at the Oxford English dictionary, but I quit after the first word ....... too much like aardvark

LS: I used to work in an egg factory down by the river, until I got caught poaching

TBT: I was an apprentice at a company that made aerials to go inside mobile phones, but I only made antenna a day.

LS: I saw an advert in the P&J...Accountant needed! £35,000-£40,000. So I rang them up and said, “The answer is -£5,000.” Still waiting to hear.

TBT: My ideal job would be a vampire... bloody hard work, but a job I feel I could really get my teeth into.

The oil industry’s loss is our gain.

The trail (so good we ran it twice) was an interesting meander through Clune woods, fields full of bracken, taking in the recumbent stone circle (always a hash favourite), wooden statues on a nature trail (covered by a weed overgrowth, but Sergio remembered where they were). Sherlock practiced his tracking skills trying to keep contact with the FRBs, and enjoyed a giant leap (for dog kind) across a stream We reached the beer stop under trees in semi-darkness, and the circle was held in complete darkness. This made writing notes a bit tricky, so the following might not be 100% accurate.

The reason Twizzle didn’t make the run apparently, was because he was pissed ‘n broke, so Numbskull pushed him into the river at Drumoak. Shameful treatment of those less fortunate than ourselves. Anyway Little Shit stood in for the missing unfortunate one.

Hippo, Ballerina and Sergio got large saddle sores on the Great Northern Bike Run apparently. Fortunately they didn’t have to show them in the circle (!), just have a down-down.

Other down-downs to Struth and Eveready for enjoying a long and slow experience in the woods

to Sir Walter Underlay for carrying Roger Me More across a muddy hole while pushing High Maintenance into it, and a hashy birthday to Pink Panther and Inspector Threepennies Morse.

Thanks to the hares for another good August run, and for the sandwiches (past my bedtime so no eatee).

To close, a hymn of thanks for a safe return, with acknowledgement to Cardinal John Henry Newman:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom,

lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home

lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet I do not ask to see

the distant scene one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou

shouldst lead me on

I loved to choose and see my path but now

lead thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

pride ruled my will: remember not past years!

So long thy power hath blessed me, sure it still

will lead me on.

O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till

the night is gone,

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Pip! Pip!

T.Rex Cock

News from 2 weeks ago from Its All Because who advises that £70 was raised at the On Inn at his house to go towards the Alzeimers Society charity.

The Run

Good turn out on a sunny but windy evening but the historic significance of Run No 1781 related by Hillary is already forgotten.

Not surprisingly we headed for the beach giving us a decision to turn left for Cowie or right for the harbour? The boardwalk to the harbour proved correct and then?? Confusion. However up the slope we went to the War Memorial, across a field, along the road and right towards East Newtonleys. Now this scribe knows Stonehaven and district pretty well having been at school here but on this, his first venture into the new housing estate of East Newtonleys, got him absolutely totally fu....g lost with no way out but to go back. This place is totally fenced in with no pedestrian access in or out in any direction into the surrounding countryside. Must remember never to go there again -- without a helicopter.

Eventually found the pack again in Dunnottar Woods and zig zagged up the hill to Fireflaps' back garden wherein did wait one trampoline, four chooks and two pugs - plus drinks. I have never before experienced a Waggle Dance which was my beer of choice with a honey flavour. Very nice too. The Cabaret on the trampoline was fun and did not break any bones of the kids or students who demonstrated it's use. Also on show were two brand new Hash Signs made, we are told, by Nuggets and Princess who proudly attached their names but failed to attach arrows to point the direction to the Run Site. I believe that is to appear in Phase Two of this project.

The Circle

The circle started with the announcement that Wee Willie was nearly 60 and Nuggets was nearly 9 and therefore a joint Down Down (Big and Wee) was presented. This was followed by sparkling wine and chocolate cake to celebrate the birthdays. (Thanks Willie)

Other Down Downs were offered to/by the following :

• Jetslag and High Maintenance for window shopping on the run,

• Hillarys observation that Its All Because and Killer were not to be seen at the beer check,

• Bruce Almighty who claimed Golden Shower had Kicked the Bucket,

• One Liner seemed to think that in the Olympick's commentaries Sir Chris Hoy sounded identical to Muff Diver, Red Stripes tried to educate Princess by advising not to tell the pack that the beer check was at Mum's house. I think most of us had already guessed this.

• There was something from Barbarella about a ball but it went over my head,

• One of our newest members Alex was brought in by Sam for racing. He had in fact come in 1st at the Manchester Park 5k Race. Congratulations - but this will get you nowhere in the hashing world,

• Ballerina demonstrated his 22 X 22 series of press ups thus exciting Muff Diver and High Maintenance to do a double decker version followed by Fireflaps and the kids.

• We were all having so much fun that Golden Shower and Toy Boy Tom missed their 9 pm bus back to Aberdeen and had to resort to The Marine with the others.

• I've got some scribble about Toy Boy Tom and Eveready dancing and I hope it was good for them.

• Thanks Hares Numbskull, Fireflaps, Nuggets and Princess for a good run, good beer stop entertainment and good circle.

Happy Birthday Wee Willie and Nuggets.

The Penguin

A bastard – to find!!

It was a nice sunny evening and I drove over to Kemnay in plenty of time to get to the run site – or so I thought. The side road to Cottown seemed to have been stretched to 3 times its previous length, and there was only ONE yellow hash sign showing us the way. On and on I drove, catching up with Struth who was stopping at every gateway in case she could get a visual on the carpark. Cinders and Aids caught us up too, and we explored the side roads one by one. It seemed to have changed since we were last here.

Finally, by a process of elimination we got the right turning and parked up on the stroke of 7pm. (A week later we discovered that even with the help of two GPS’s It’s All Because was unable to find the run site and gave up!!)

I also discovered later (whilst we were on the run in fact) that the hare had laid a number of arrows in flour to help us find the run site but these were strangely difficult to spot when driving around (especially when Struth parked on top of them).

Our RA Aids gave someone a pre-run down down – but I was still settling up with Sharnie and getting “prepared” for the ordeal ahead of us so I’ve no idea who it was.

Finally we were off – a combination of good tracks, woods, fields and rough ground in a clockwise loop. Whenever I was anywhere near the front I was passed by three young lads at speed, and then shortly after Barberella would shoot past in what appeared to be a vain attempt to keep up with them. Remember – no racing on the hash you guys….

I badly misjudged a check, and had to go cross-country to get back on trail, but no matter as we soon arrived at the beer stop in a nice clearing in the woods. A good stop, and from here we trudged our way through some rough woods for quite a way before we emerged onto tarmac for the final run-in to the end of the run. Just over an hour – a good length run for once.

The circle was quickly called, and we complied.

Down downs went to:

• Struth and myself for out difficulty in finding the run site,

• Muff Diver for some sort altercation with a barman while out on the piss with Bruce Almighty,

• Smiler for making some strange suggestion to others at the beer check.

• Fast running Alex also had a down down,

• along with Aids for having speedy and not-so speedy shoes respectively.

• The guests got a drink too,

• and finally Little Shit & Sharnie for a well laid trail in a tight area.

Point to note: in view of the lack of yellow hash signs Muff Diver challenged us all to make a hash sign for the AGPU on September 11th. Prizes will be awarded. You have been warned!

ON ON,

SERG

We all congregated at Craigton Road, once I paid my £2 and got my hashing trainers on and returned to the circle, I found myself with the scribes vest, why? Beats me.

Pre-run down-downs went to a couple who came from Bratislava, capital of Slovakia. They came to Scotland on their honeymoon and visiting parents.

The hare then sent us off on a wild goose chase around West Aberdeen everyone guessing which way it should go, most hashers got it wrong.

The beer and sweeties were found in the woods somewhere in Hazlehead, not cycle friendly, as Its All Because found out, somersaulting over his handlebars and ruining his good looks!!!He did not have a needle and thread for Aids to stitch up the cut. Down Down in the circle.

When we got back to the house, got a seat and a beer, the Down Downs began.

Aids had a long list of Down Downs enough so that Its All Because could find the soup which Batty had made and hid.

Down Down for:

• Its All Because for lost soup and the somersault in the woods, also for going everywhere with his trusty knife.

• Greenflash for daring to run past Aids.

• Hippo for putting on weight and going to Yoga with Long Tall Sally.

• Rats for turning up just for the food and drink.

• Its All Because’s friend, for coming to his only hash.

• Lazy Bastard Son, Christopher for his birthday, which one? No idea

• Claudia for her last hash, she is moving away.

• Ballerina, receiving his Ride the North T-shirt.

All Yorkshire men and women for Yorkshire Day and the county increasing in area by 27 sq miles, now taking part of Lancashire.

Then the soup was served.

Horrible history lesson: Do you want to know the historical significance of Run Number 1778?

Almost everyone! In the year 1778 the world’s most important gadget was invented. No not the smart phone. It has saved over a billion lives. What was it?

Imagine life today without the flushing toilet! So when discussing run number 1778 with fellow hashers don't forget to mention that it was on this very hash that the water closet was invented.

A warm sunny evening greeted a very good turnout of hashers for the trail set by Twizzle.

After a very stressful journey through a monsoon I realised I didn't actually know the exact hash location. So after driving around for 10 minutes with Bum Bum Crumbs sending HELP texts to Grandad we saw Jetslag and followed her.

We arrived at the run site to find that the circle had already started and I was still in civvy clothes. I quickly changed and then had Hippo inform me I was the scribe. I very grumpily told him I was far too stressed to do it. But after 5 minutes I took up the gauntlet of the pad and pen.

A new runner, Ivanna (Humpalot?), turned up after finding us by using google having never heard of hashing before. Apparently if you google "running, Aberdeen, something a bit different" it throws up our AH3 website!

On On and through the forest and countryside we ran. A little wet underfoot in places and plenty trip hazards in other places but the trail was very well set and nobody got lost.

After 5 miles or so we reached the combined beer and sweetie stop. It was a glorious sunny evening and we sat on a wall and were entertained by Sheep Whisperer Bum Bum Crumbs. First time we'd ever seen several sheep allowing someone to pet them. Sergio entertained us with stories about the best way to shag a sheep......

Meanwhile the hare had run off to fetch the promised fish and chips for after the circle. We rambled back to the cars and eventually formed a circle.

Down Down's were awarded to:

1. Scabby Arse for being Marathon Man and running home from the run site.

2. JC for turning up in a new shagging wagon.

3. Sharnie for providing a view of her full moon to someone.

4. Smiler for insisting she parked in the nearest small space to the hash cash despite a huge empty car park being available a few metres away.

5. Bin Liner for having his birthday in a few days.

6. The Penguin for having his birthday on the night, and a cake with candles was presented to him by Bum Bum Crumbs. After she presented it to him she took it back and started eating it!

The fish and chips were excellent!

On On.

High Maintenance.

A hearty welcome was given to Alex a new runner from Aberdeen who attends Newcastle University.

1777 was the year George Washington’s revolutionary army defeats British forces at the Battle of Princeton, NJ. Hillary said “it was on this very hash that the sum total of human knowledge was written down in Sanctuary Britannica”.

For celebrating entering the super vet core and instead of awarding a Zimmer frame, pre-run down down went to Scabby Arse for entering a new decade on 4th July, his 50th birthday.

A silver flask was awarded to Batty for completing 300 runs.

Great weather on the Monday evening brought out all the enthusiastic runners. They sped off down the track at a fast pace, crossing the road and into the countryside. Quote from One Liner “whoever set this run must have used Spirograph”.

I declined the run and decided to be a walky talky. We walked on the edge of the B994 towards Kemnay, then took a right turn through a wooded path. On the left of the trail we observed the ruined 14th century, Hall forest Castle we walked under the dual carriageway via the tunnel and through a housing estate to reach the beer check. Where we met up with the runners and together we gratefully quenched our thirst as the evening was warm and very clammy.

I am oblivious as to how and where the run went but I believe it was very scenic and enjoyed by all. “Hope they were telling the truth”!

The hash finished the run and heartily congratulated the hare for setting a splendid run.

Down downs

• First down down went to Its All because for his 63rd birthday. Julek shared out his lovely chocolate cake with icing piped “Let’s Celebrate, Happy Birthday to Papa” to the grateful hash.

• New runner Alex loved the run.

• Sam for bringing new runner Alex along. Sam was tasked with bringing along hundreds of new runners to the hash.

• The hare T-Rex Cock for an exceptional run but with not enough barbed wire fences, animals, flies, water and too much pollen.

A big thank you for the warm welcome received and all the culinary delights that were served at the BBQ by the master chief’s at T-Rex Cock’s On Inn.

The Orienteer

Olymprick stood in at short notice to run today’s Hash: good hasher, he!

The pre-run Circle began with Drillbit being given Horny Blower’s 100 runs AH3 t-shirt to award to her when he saw next.

Hillary then (mis)informed us that the right to bare arms, or was that the right to arm bears (worrying!), was declared on this very run 1776 by the US Declaration of Independence.

“Over the Hare”: Olymprick explained the 2 symbols drawn in flour in the car park: an arrow and a back-check with “20” above it.

The Hare explained that on the trail “arrows are your friend” (where have we heard something like that before!) because they’d point us in the right direction. All he would say about the "20" back-check was to go back 20 blobs, much to the consternation of some FRBs. However, more comfortingly, he guaranteed that no one would see more than one.

Had we been more astute, we’d have noticed that he’d drawn no checks in the car park. For there were no checks the whole run, with "the use of back-checks and cunning figures of 8 keeping the pack together, and the FRBs fuming!

Although no one saw a "20" back-check, either due to the afternoon’s rain or because the Hare had just been kidding, just to worry us, whichever, at least 3 of the back-checks were at least 20 blobs back!

Numerous down-downs were awarded in the closing Circle:

• Thrupenny Bits for being precious about “our” Walkie Talkies trail.

• Muff Diver for sending out a distress e-mail on Friday evening: “is any one doing anything interesting this evening”. Understandable, when confronted with an evening of Eastenders at home with HM.

• Roger Me More for not inviting Muff Diver out.

• Smiler for teachers’ 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!! week’s holiday.

• Olymprick, Ballerina, Drillbit and “I’ve put on half a stone” Hippo for being chunky people. "Who ate all the pies!"

• Little Shit for phoning the Hare to say “I’m lost”.

• Ballerina and Hippo for not finding the beer stop. Which, lads, was outside the local beauty parlour, of course! Not, Ballerina, anywhere near the cliff top path: how are your nettle stung legs?

• In a true act of generosity, Pigiron donated a sunset tankard to the Hash.

On ! On!

TBT

Tonto’s (and roundabout - including AWPR)

This was the 4th July United States of America Independence Day commemoration run for

Egg Foo at Tonto’s. So, the flags and the bunting were out in abundance (well there was one

6” high forlorn US flag at the edge of the drive in front of the house, there was no bunting) and there was a magnificent band in fine fettle to strike up tunes like ‘The Star Strangled

Banner’ (there was no band).

I did take notes for bits of the proceedings, but it is so long since the run that they don’t make much sense now, but - here goes. Fill in the missing bits for yourself -if you must.

There were 36 hashers.

The run went up a bit and round a bit. Someone had been digging a huge trench across the countryside and made a nice new pond. There were nice views.

I joined the walking group, but did a bit of running. Flap’s kids and Catlin were following me. Then I seemed to be on my own and hoping that I wasn’t supposed to be in charge of the kids.

The beer check was up the top somewhere.

Back at the ranch the hosts had prepared a magnificent 4^th July food spread to make up for

the lack of flags and the bunting and the band.

We lit a fire - and made it bigger - and bigger.

The kids climbed trees, ran around with burning sticks, then buggered off to the attics to smoke pot or something.

DDs (in no particular order):

• Aids and Tounge Lasher for shouting (no idea why, or what about)

• Someone for following me, rather than Bruce Almighty, as a better bet to get to the beer check

• Muff Diver and Oneliner for being wimps that gave up (for what?)

• Skinny Witch for falling (x2)

• Drillbit for banging his head on the countryside (this is one bit that my notes were clearer about)

• Little Shit (climbing over something or someone)

• Aids - DD from hat for wearing new hat (and in the circle!)

• Egg Foo for causing a fuss on 4^th July. Incidentally, Egg Foo confided in me that she does not officially have a hash handle - having been known as that before joining the hash. In that case - ditto moi (for 25 years, no less)

• ER got a DD for long wait for a horse

• The hares - Tonto was one, was there another?

• Underlay for tying shoe lace with his face in the heather

• ER for falling off horse (x2)

• Wales (?)

We(I) then threw last year’s Christmas tree on the fire and had a lot off unshowering moaning hashers with lots of burning sparks. Who says hashing is an antidote for PC and stuffiness and not a place for fuddy duddies?

Just as things were livening up, Hash Beer appeared to have buggered off (with the beer), so

we had to raid Tonto’s beer fridge (thanks pal).

Thanks to the hares and the cooks and all for a rather good run evening.

OnOn

Numbskull

Rocking up to the start of the run I was already disappointed to know that I couldn`t make it to the post-run BBQ. That was also a retrospective shame, given the Icelandic heroics later on which I would have loved to share with all of my good, good friends from Englandshire.

But, enough of this xenophobic ABE ! A good sized pack assembled along the roadside, before forming a circle outside the derelict pub. Derelict runners outside a derelict building. There must be some sort of poetic inspiration there but I`ll leave that muse for another day when I can be arsed.

New runners Scott and Ski were introduced. Ski? Iceland? Poetic Inspiration? Arsed? Not Arsed? ABE?

Anyway.

Introductions over , we learned that our very own Jeremy Corbyn lookalike (well it`s a beard isn`t it?) GOAT WRESTLER had finally achieved 350 runs and was rewarded accordingly. Steadily advancing middle aged brain fog prevents me from remembering what the 350 award is though. If you were there, perhaps you could remind me one day – if I recognise you that is .

Aine returned from a lengthy break from Hashing and then proceeded to commence consumption of her Down Down before “the song” had properly reached its crescendo. BAD GM!

Gentle coaching of those with limited experience of our quaint little traditions must surely be part of your heavy duty remit. Overseeing chaos is, of course, the other part.

A wee intro from the Hares ensued with Mark repeatedly falling into the trap of mentioning the Rules of the run. Rules, my young innocent, are things for Tennis Clubs, Golf Courses and perhaps Dinner with your favourite Solicitor. But for the Hash, perchance “advisory notes” may be more appropriate?

The advisory notes had not, however, been read in advance by our very shouty farmer friends just down the coast a bit. The note they missed was as follows:- “ when you place your purple clad teenage son on point duty for cattle moving manoeuvres, tell him to advise other road users of your impending arrival with your mobile stampede (yes I know that all stampedes are mobile, but it`s a nice little turn of phrase, n`est pas ?). Do not ask him to stand like a dummy and let the escapees from the care home stumble directly into your path. And do not under any circumstances claim private usage of an obviously public road, just because the presence of others doesn`t fit in with your Olympic Cattle Sprint training schedule”.

I don`t know the English word for combining dangerous and hilarious. Oh wait. I do. Hashing. The farmers were Hashers too. They just didn`t realise it at the time.

Moving swiftly on or as swiftly as pedestrian shambles with a combined age of about 1700 can manage, we then traversed a very lovely and well laid trail (don`t get me wrong it had already been very lovely and equally well laid before Farmer gate) via the coastal path, through Newtonhill, then Muchalls, across the A90, past the new settlement of Chapelton - looking like an abandoned jewel in a windswept rural crown – and ultimately around a much more moderate farmer wielding a 30 year old tractor/mower combo - to get to the perfectly placed beer.

Well Done Hares. A fine, fine effort particularly for a pair of relative newbies .

Back at the scene of great dereliction (of duties as much as of the buildings), the temperature dropped to something more suitable for Icelandic Heroes (ABE! ABE! ABE!) as the Down Downs were awarded:

• New runners Scott and Ski … … …Oh… They had already buggered off to savour their own ABE experience. Never mind there will be other opportunities. And for Scott and Ski too.

• Muff Diver for bad husband activities with Hash shoes. I think there`s an entire Internet Porn site dedicated to that. And if there isn`t there bloody well should be.

• Scratchy for showing how it`s not quite done with a slippery rope and a water hazard.

• Bin Liner for further proving the theory of “Slippery When Wet”. So is he now Bon Liner? Or Liner Jovi? Whatever. I think he`ll be pleased with a reference which only dates back as far as the 1980`s.

• The Orienteer .There was a somewhat tortuous explanation from Twizzle but my abbreviated notes just say “Did fall”. Plus ca change, mes amis. Plus ca change.

• Lazy Bastard Son and young friend for bringing scientific discussions to the run. Now we all know very well that Fire Flaps would dearly like to collide with Brian Cox`s Large Hadron but there`s a limit as to how much technical knowledge we can actually absorb without a long , slow explanation from our carers.

• Stainless. “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon”. No. It was a Beautiful Red Fleece. Wonderfully well executed.

• Aine. Now she wore some wellies, but there doesn`t seem to be a song for that. Unless you are Billy Connolly.

• Golden Shower. Having reccied the route for/with Mark and Scratchy several thousand times over in the space of only a week, he finally resorted to some slow, rhythmic banging of his head against a wall to regenerate his sensibilities. It left a mark. And he was so dazed by the experience that he didn`t notice Drillbit nipping into the circle to drink the beer for him.

• And finally well-deserved DD`s to the Hares (and Golden Shower who this time managed to beat Drillbit to the prize)

On On.

OneLiner

Do you want to know the historical significance of Run Number 1773?

Almost everyone!

The year 1773 was the year of the infamous Boston Tea party. A group of Americans boarded our ships in in Boston harbour and dumped the cargo of tea overboard just because they didn't want to pay their taxes! This will have consequences!

So when discussing run number 1773 with fellow hashers don't forget to mention that it was on this very run that the Americans started the war of independence - otherwise known as a storm in a tea cup!

Hillary is in Spain so there was no horrible history lesson. The scribe jacket is lost and the horn broken so no one was appointed. It's all falling apart......!

We'll need to have a committee meeting to approve the purchase of a new hash horn probably.

Run 1772 was set at Den of Maidencraig on the outskirts of Aberdeen. 53 hashers and a couple of dogs turned up on a decent enough evening (for Aberdeen). Not sure if it was the quality of the 3 hares, the offer of free sandwiches and cakes, or promises of a singfest afterwards which drew out so many people.

Yes, 3 hares. I heard rumours of overkill, and yes it was! Especially when it was one of my previous runs which had been hijacked and run in reverse! Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I was amused to watch Cockatool try (and fail epically) to run through a nettle field. The spelling of epically doesn't look right. I should have written this on an ipad instead of a Windows 10 computer. Spellcheck.......

So after an hour or so we ended up at a pretty location with "lurverly blooms" as Little Shit put it.

There didn't look enough drink but I suppose 53 is an exceptional turnout. Quality was fine though with nice real ales and bags of sweets.

A short hop back to the cars revealed another beer deficiency. Grumble grumble.

A circle ensued with the usual nonsense.

The cyclists then set off at high speed for the Grammar FP's club where Golden Shower's Silver City Singers performed some Queen songs. No Bohemian Rhapsody unfortunately but Fat Bottomed Girls struck a chord with some of the harriettes.

Just as well we have 6 hours to burden us to get a Lounge Computer to work.

No spelling corrections as it is a German keybord..

It is most upset (the Computer) everything is red underlined They are soo GRÜNDLICH!!

Anyway back to Task

It was a beautiful day.....

It was a beautiful Location...

I have been bribed not to commend on the H:A:S:H on goings so I stick to the Walkie-talkie Group

I just noticed there were an awful lot of Walkers on the RUN, say no more...

Our select Group was.

It's Al because, Batty and Little sausage

Goat Wrestler

and me

ACTIVITY (German Computers do not underline)

I interviewed some plane-watchers It is all hush, hush but apparently if you come up with a Photo of the right plane at the right time one can earn pennies!!! WOW

Goat Wrestler explained his Name Funny story you should ask him.. It's all because had a funny story about a bashed car, you should ...You guessed Batty had not such a funny story so don' ask...

The circle was the same old hat. Barbarella was fishing for compliments and the B and Q was alright if you were REALLY hungry!!!!

Do you want to know the historical significance of Run Number 1770?

Almost everyone!

In the year 1770 the North American colonies were thinking of leaving the British Empire.

Meanwhile in the Pacific Captain James Cook bumped into and found Australia - he ran aground on the Great Barrier Reef!

So when discussing run number 1770 with fellow hashers don't forget to mention that it was on this very hash that the British Empire lost America but gained Australia!

I arrived four minutes late and apparently had missed the pep talk by Aids. The usual stuff telling us that the floggings would continue until the morale improved and the drinking speeds increased. He's wasting his time if you ask me. As though it had been planned there was a large gap between Prickly Bush and Willy Watsoff I not saying somebody had guffed but it is possible. With the RA eyeballing my entrance to the meeting spot, scribe garb being held aloft and realising there was no escape I ran through the gap to meet him in the middle of the circle. I said I always liked to be useful!

Disappointed to have missed Sir Deadmond Hillary's history lesson ........

In 1769 Richard Arkwright invented a spinning frame to weave fabric mechanically.

This put lazy bastard textile workers out of work.

So they smashed his machines!

And the rest is history!

So without much more ado the Hare Toyboy Tom gave us signs in flour spoke about long runs and short runs and sent us in the direction of Inverurie. Straggling after double tying my trainers I looked up the street to view a sea of callipygian heading north, soon we swung round into the grassed area to the delight of the local teenagers.

Proof they never get wristbands in Kemnay!

A lucky choice next. Through the swing park with only Muffdiver, Wotsoff and JC ahead I was up there with the FR's (front runners, sometimes with additional B). Their success was short lived, lots of searching with few results. The local "we'll keep fit and not drink" runners passed by but there were no deserters funnily enough. On on was called with a little help from the hare. By this time we were running back to the car park. Through what looked like gates but turned out to be just two barriers a left turn across the main road we got into the pleasure park. There I overheard two ladies conversations who were sat on the bench, I took particular interest, and they were discussing beauty treatments. One said to the other "Have you ever thought about having your arse bleached!” and the second woman said "Ooh no, I don't think my hubby Herbert would suit being blonde!"

I got speaking to a recovering heroine addict who said you know when you've got a serious drug problem when you turn up at the garage in Kemnay carrying a turkey under your arm as a plausible reason to be buying a roll of tinfoil and not being suspected for misusing it.

On on was called..

Then it was onto some horse trails through woods. A slippy path caused by the afternoon downpour. Then running parallel to a stream. In the woods began several devious back checks in the distance we could see Hillary doing his own thing, was he about to go missing for a second hash?

This run was beginning to look good, we then found ourselves beside the golf course. One of my father’s old clubs Kemnay, who is probably still remembered for his gift of a large flat screen TV to watch the sport and if they don't we want it back! I digress!

We appear out on the main road, met by Toy Boy Tom the hare. The long and the short split is here. Being a glutton for punishment off I go on the long with encouraging words from the hare saying we would be treated to the tallest standing stone! Round the edge of a field and over two fences later we stumble across said stone. The hare has obviously never been to Stonehenge, this stone was 12 to 15 foot high (4 -5 metres for the youngsters) and all on its own. We leave the stone to run past some residents being cheerful doing gardening type things as we ran past. The hare meets us as we head along the old Alford spur railway line. This railway line probably was closed before Beeching's axe. Emerging from some serious cuttings we noticed Pink Panther and Shit Boyfriend walking, take note now. After getting remarkably close to the car park we followed the meander of the river Don away from the Station Hotel and out at the other side of the village beside the academy and the quarry. Across the main drag into Kemnay and through a lane took us upward. A check later and we could see our goal the millennium cairn built by Kemnay quarry out of massive blocks of granite. From the top splendid views are to be had. JC was there dangling his legs over the side shouting "On beer". While Hippo took the direct route others corkscrewed round the paths to the top. Unintentional or not we had followed a spiral from the start to finish, a new run format in my hashing experience.

Back to the centre of Kemnay car park and the circle was squashed between Hippo's van a wall and a parked car, why escapes me but maybe AIDS was suffering from agoraphobia that night.

Down downs were.......

• Prickly Bush getting free tickets for the Chelsea flower show due to having the name of several plants.

• The two lost hashers Pink Panther and Shite Boyfriend, they hadn't really been lost instead they had beatled off to the pub for a relaxing drink or two.

• Skinny Witch for swallowing a fly! I think she’ll die!

• Drillbit for helping to raise £140 by having. A whip round at his birthday meal. A Spanish Indian Mexican kind of night.

• All the Easter challengers for drinking in the Crown in Pitlochry and being remembered by holiday makers in Tuscany who had fled Pitlochry after the event. Only to find Thruppenny bits in Tuscany claiming to be the well behaved Hasher that night.

• Sergio for falling.

• Tongue Lasher and Thruppenny Bits. For speeding! They realised there speed was picked up by the car speed calmer. First record 3 miles an hour, "we can do better than that “second attempt a stunning 5 miles an hour!

• AIDS and Twizle for crawling backwards down the steps at the cairn like old men. Old crabbies!

And finally the hare for a great run set under torrential rain in the afternoon and fixing the evening weather to be bright dry and without wind. Magic!

To finish up a few predictions:-

Forthcoming EU referendum will be for a Brexit.

David Cameron will resign.

Boris Johnson will not be the next prime minister as every one is saying. Instead he will step aside.

Tim Peak will make it back to earth safely.

TBT takes run of the year at the AGPU!

Scribe :- Barbarella

The run was set around School Hill in Culter by Drill Bit, Sergio and Prickly Bush. Circle was formed and once again I was picked upon to be the Scribe for said run.

Sir Deadmond Hillary gave a spiel about Cook commencing pleasure cruising on this day in 1768. On checking the facts of Captain Cook's first pleasure cruise I was surprised to find he actually didn't set sail until the 26th not 16th suggest our notorious Hash Historian visit Specsavers. This is far from a put down, who else would keep us informed of such useless facts?

One new runner was introduced to the hash (Andrew) brought along by Sergio. Drill bit then went on to discuss the run and mentioned a Champaign Stop to celebrate three Birthdays (Prickly Bush, Drill Bit and Sergio) with that all done the runners set off on an interesting run in and out of woodlands.

All arrived at the champaign stop, a pond in the middle of woodland. The midges could hardly believe their luck that so many people would gather in their breeding grounds, some hadn't even bothered to cover arms and legs making for easy pickings. Barbarella's milk bottle white legs must have been a prime target for the midges but surely no one else.

On continuing upon trail Roger Me More commented on a beautiful modern house and cursed at not having her phone handy to take a picture, so disappointed was she that she requested I take the picture for her and forwarded to her later on (see attached). My heart goes out to Underlay who no doubt will be shown this picture and comment on its splendour, not appreciating the significance of a women’s uncanny knack of sowing a little seed which will grow and grow as time goes by. Don't expect Underlay to be present at a future hash. He is now renegotiating his contract to include 4 hours overtime daily, time and half on Saturdays and double time on Sundays. He will probably commit to buy in 2025.

As I and some of the other walkers awaited the arrival of the runners, Andrew (new runner) appeared closely followed by Twizzle. Twizzle passed comment of the uphill stretch toward the end of the run and the young whipper snapper Andrew taking the lead. He then said it was expected as he was a few years younger than himself ??? I had always thought a few to be two or three, maybe four, possibly even five at a stretch..... But let’s get serious 40 years is nothing like a few !

All returned and a circle was finally formed by nearly all hashers. JC and Fifi were oblivious to the start of the circle and sat cosied-up on a bench looking out over Clachnaben deep in conversation. Probably discussing the predicament Underlay has found himself in!

Down Downs as follows

• Wee Willie - Return runner

• Andrew - New Runner

• Mark - AWPR (suggested hash name Bypass)

• Prickly Bush, Drill B, Sergio - Birthdays.

• Bin Liner - Dog control (suggest he discusses training with Smiler)

• Gay Gordon/ Red Stripe - Recent Birthday last week (I think)

• Barbarella - For horsing around with shite

• Pink Panther - For winning pub quiz (she had a secret weapon)

• Smiler - For dogging around in the woods.

• Golden Shower - Failing to follow protocol for announcements at start of run.

With business concluded many heading off to the Indian for a bite to eat, no doubt some hashers are running this morning!

Monday night Marathon

Summer has arrived the temperature nudging into 20s ensured a good turnout of white kneed folk. Only a few turned up in longs and sweaters for Bin Liners annual marathon offering. Despite recording the highest Aberdeen temperature this year Cinders still managed to complain about the cold it was noted that she gradually removed fleece etc. during the trail.

A run round Cults should be familiar territory for most so it all seemed ready for an easy night. How wrong could I be?

The circle was duly called with AIDS being up for the 950 run award. Alas, all he got was a down-down, anyway he probably has more T shirts then the rest of the pack. I recall a glimpse of horrible history orated by Sir Deadman Hillary to the mentioning the repeal of the Tea tax click on this if you want to know

http://www.hisdates.com/months/may-historical-events/14.html

The hare announced this was medium longish run and the pack duly groaned. For some of you not familiar with a Bin Liner run this means lots of checks with flour at least 500m from the check with lots of longish back checks. Tonight’s run clearly followed this format.

We entered the woods and headed in direction of airport to be turned east only for the 1st of many back checks and confusion particularly around the now closed Waldorf school I guess that this area will shortly be converted into more houses that no one can afford so we better make the most of it while we can.

The hare had to mark the trail that crossed Fairsfield road and then on around woodlands before diving across the north Deeside road across the rail-cycle path towards the new wing of Norward hall?

Poor High Maintenance managed to have a grouse moment and she may start a new career as a beater. Another series of checks lead on to the river path heading east to Aberdeen this was a viscous back check snaring One-Liner, Toyboy, Underlay Twizzle and Barbarella we back tracked to loop back to reach a super stocked (Only because walky Talkies didn’t get there) sweetie check @5 miles and 1hr 15 yes this was starting to be a long trail.

The storm Frank made the loop around Inchgarth reservoir a pleasant change with all the gorse and fence somewhere in the Harbour? We emerged by the Shaking bridge to a most confusing check I went up Primrose hill thinking we would be coming up by Cults hotel. No, it was back down to the river Dee again and then off heading to Beildside via Newton Dee, well this was obviously a false trail so after reaching the bar, we back tracked through Allan park and along to the hares back garden for a magnificent Beer stop.

It seemed that we had at least a months supply of ale with more sweeties as well. (Don’t know how he made the allowance stretch so far).

Now the ON INN is also supposed to be at this spot so at nearly 7 miles and 90 minutes we still had a mile up the hill to have the circle and then return. Suitably refreshed the pack set of up the series of hill climbs towards the ON IN at the Primary school. By the time we reached the Beer waggon and convened for a circle it was nearly 9.15 race and about 8 miles duration.

We had a relatively short circle with a limited number of Down-downs considering the opportunity for charges, and the plummeting temperature.

During the down-downs Emma finally was named Scrathy after a long period with no hash tag and the GM announced that he was singing at the Beach ball room on Sunday, I wonder if anyone remembered to go and heckle!

Downdowns Awarded in no particular order (Apologies if I missed anyone) :

• Mark – New runner (Certainly seems keen)

• High Maintenance/Pink Panther – Losing the Urge “Pull my nighty down when you are finished”

• Tuneless - Turning up at Beer stop before run starting and failing to make it on the run

• One liner / Skinny Witch- Setting PB in Balmoral 15m trail race Exceptional performance

• High Maintenance/Struth – Banger racing

• Aids/ Cinders- House work wearing hash award T shirts (Do they have any other clothes?)

• One Liner/ Toyboy/ Underlay – Cosmic Hill climb performance after 7.5 mile

• Muff diver/ Jet Slag/ Smiler/ Prickly Bush – Getting a car from Beer stop

• Eveready- Falling for Lost key search at Back check

• Emma- named as Scratchy

Then we all relocated back to the Hares again where a feast of Soup sandwiches and more ale awaited. This was truly a gold standard for hospitality and effort by the Hare. Most agreed the run was a truly spectacular trail maybe a tad long for a Monday night but the drink food and hospitality certainly was exceptional and 5 ***** a run not to be missed.

Twizzle

The traumas of Monday night’s hash were really founded in the alcohol fuelled Edinburgh goings on with the EH3 Bali-no alternative interhash.

Managed to sit on phone (again), along with some metal money, glass screen cracked (again).

Well, hey-ho!, off to the jolly old Aberdeen market Monday (again) for a new screen, WCPGW? Left phone, had drink, went to collect phone - “Afraid bad news, new screen no work, today bank holiday, get other one Wednesday maybe Thursday”. Aargh, NO PHONE.

Still, old phone at home, stick in SIM, BYU, WCPGW?

But ……. Old phone DAADD and won’t respond to KOL. Aargh, NO PHONE.

Phoned Drillbit for lift to hash (on house phone, obviously).

“Sorry, crocked again, see you next week”.

Ok, only around 6-7 miles to Hill of fayre - out with the trusty old electric bike, WCPGW?

Told The Dutchess “On bike, NO PHONE, search party if not home by midnight”.

Arrived at hash, everyone all smiles - especially Hippo. Seems the surgeons didn’t remove anything they shouldn’t have.

Nobody else seemed to be worried I had NO PHONE. Even more, nobody was using theirs either (except Hillary, of course).

For some reason, unbeknown to me, I became scribe. Pre-run DD to Sergio (for what, I wonder?). I wasn’t listening, and neither he nor RA Twizzle would tell me (nor would anyone else for that matter).

Hare Wotzoff announced the run would not be the 13 or 8 milers he had recce’d. This so he wouldn’t have to look for poor lost souls in the dark. I reckon some of us would be looking for him if it was a 13 miler. Anyways, only way was up, apparently.

I immediately rushed off with the front runners, blowing the horn and looking like an honest to goodness scribe. This lasted as far as the first check, when FRBs started checking back downhill and calling On-On. FTFAGOS, I thought, and headed straight for the mast on the hill with the walkers (their instructions). Making good progress uphill, I almost caught up with FWB Bruce Almighty.

The runners must have had a shorter, easier way to the top, as some of them were on their way down by the time I made it. Still, absolutely worth it for the view.

On the way down, Bruce Almighty gave me the inside story on why there is money left over from Brussels interhash to be drunk in a Bali Brussels party.

Apparently, one of the sponsoring breweries wouldn’t take payment for a slab of beer of around €10k. I need the name of that brewery!

At the beer check there was only poofter’s beer and stuff and bollock cold, so didn’t hang around. Hash beer wasn’t much better, either.

DDs (in no particular order):

• Little Shit for becoming a Chippendale

• New runner Martin (who everyone thinks is called Mark) - also for doing 3 runs in his first week. He had dayglow jacket, so ODGJDADGJD. This included me, and eventually Ballerina (who was discovered to be hiding a dayglow jacket in his mid-riff).

• Roger-Me-More for organising the hash night out at the Italian restaurant last Friday - when nothing happened

• Pink Panther for organising hash hill walk in a Blizzard!

• Barbarella and Martin (new runner who everyone thinks is called Mark) for spending 2 hours on Saturday looking for HILLARY who was lost in Durris forest. Meanwhile Hillary spent 2 hours sat in his car wondering where the F*** Barbarella and Martin were!

• Hillary for getting lost on Hill of Fayre with Glasgow.

All in all, pretty nice run - once it was over! Bollock cold tho’, and notable for lack of snogging, debauchery or inappropriate behaviour of any kind.

So, jump on bike and off home, WCPGW?

Caught up with Toy Boy Tom and Twizzle, apparently running home. Why? “Car park spaces were full - so parked down road” - only fookin miles away!!

Asked TBT if my bike would fit in his car. “Well it might - but none of the rest of us would”.

Borrowed TBT’s gloves and went at high speed, WCPGW (you can see where this is going, eh?).

Into Raemoir road feeling cocky (AYD). Whizz, click - broken chain, 6 miles walk home and …… Aargh, NO PHONE.

TBT and Twizzle sailed by without a wave, and The Dutchess didn’t even send a search party.

Numbskull

.. and now (yawn!!)

Horrible History Lesson for Run 1766 (courtesy of Hillary)

Do you want to know the historical significance of Run 1766?

Almost everyone!

In the year 1766, Edward Jenner noticed that milkmaids who contracted cowpox didn’t contract smallpox.

So what? - You may ask.

As a consequence, he invented vaccination against smallpox and other diseases (including some STDs).

So when discussing run 1766 with fellow hashers - don't forget to mention that it was on this very hash that we introduced a little prick that everybody loved.

EH3??? Edinburgh Hash House Harriers

WCPGW??What could possibly go wrong?

NO PHONE??No phone

SIM???Subscriber Identity Module

BYU???Bob’s your uncle

DAADD??Dead as a Dodo

KOL???Kiss of life

DD???Down-down

RA???Religious advisor

FRB???Front running bastard

FTFAGOS??Fuck this for a game of soldiers

FWB???Front walking bastard

ODGJDADGJD? One dayglow jacket drinks, all dayglow jackets drink

AYD??? As you do

STD??? You got it

One of those days when the weather is the deciding factor on how good a trail is. All day it had been raining and sleeting with a bit of blue sky thrown in to tempt you out. That’s what 26 hardy souls did (inside info) at 8pm minus 1 hour (web site still not fixed).

Suffice to say, the pack was called to order and we all stood around stomping our feet waiting on the GM and his advisers to give us leave to “GET MOVING, IT’S FREEZING”.

During this interlude my brain had entered a state of hibernation and a waft of an orange vest and shiny squeaky thingy-ma-jig brought me back to life as it was handed over to me. Hence, my morning is spent typing this drivel, but to be fair it has enabled me to change my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". Simples!

During my state of numbness I think a down-down was awarded to Leaky Willy for his attire – football boots and an old T-shirt of The Penguin’s. It’s called traveling light.

Our erstwhile hare, Pink Panther, threw three blobs of pink flour on the ground and said??? And we were OnOn.

Up through the park towards the winter gardens.

I got stuck at this point with T- Rex Cock who was telling me that yesterday a man knocked on his door and asked for a small donation towards the Kintore swimming pool. Apparently he gave him a glass of water! Then as we exited the park we came across some park instructions the last of which is quite interesting (no alcohol permitted) Hey ho.

OnOn we headed down the Old Deeside Railway Line (ODRL), now a cycle path and tarmacked – good running terrain for footy boots - and did you know that a recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it!

The trail left the ODRL and circled back past the cemetery and down onto the banks of the river Dee. Pigiron and Stainless aimlessly chatted about their neighbour who is apparently stalking Pigiron as they'd been googling their names on their computer. I asked how they knew this and Stainless replied “I saw it through my telescope last night”.

Crossing the Bridge of Dee we then headed further west along the south bank to a decision point .A place no Hasher wants to be! Tuneless unable to decide to stay on trail or do what the gut feels is right, short cut. The hare won the day and Tuneless hot footed after Struth, and OnOn we went, pink flour on the ground.

We eventually left the banks of the Dee after picking up Toy Boy Tom, who had been deserted by the front runners to do a lone back check. We, now an intrepid 4, made a steady climb up through Tollowhill Wood to the Prince Albert monument, encouraged to climb faster by loud bangs of thunder and pitch black clouds.

We eventually stumbled into the remainder of the pack, who were surreptitiously moving the Beer Check to a safer location one where their “On Beer” calls could be heard. After quick quaff and off back to the post run circle.

Down-Downs:

• Tuneless – for indecision

• Emma – Heart Shaped Toast

• Mark & Martin – New runners

Prince of Wales – for closing for 3 weeks and not letting the Hash know.

An acknowledgement to those who missed the Beer Check – Tonto, Cinders, Binliner.

Pink Panther -Hare of the day and a bold attempt.

Your ‘umble Scribe

Little Shit

The morning was looking ominous after the previous days snowfall. The hills were white topped and we were headed for Huntly. No matter the sun was shining it was a Barbarella trail and anything could happen. An interesting drive to the On On followed being trailed by Mrs T and hippo until I mistook a drive for the road by the ruined castle so then it was easy following on.

As the elevation increased several sections of road turned to slush. Smugly I was glad of the 4 X 4 as we neared the ON ON particularly as the road/track was a just about visible in the alpine landscape. No matter we are hashers and don’t let a little drop of unseasonal weather put us off.

A pretty good turnout maybe 25 Sharnie will be able to correct this number turned out and we assembled for the circle.

I must have had a senior moment as I somehow got the scribe via Tonto.

The Penguin was awarded the pre-run down-down thats all you get for 950 runs.

The history lesson was orated by Sir Deadman Hillary who advised us that it was year of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Symphony No 1 written at 8 years old and tried to educate the pack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC6eQdeNOjU

During the musical interlude our tootises and other body parts were starting to ice over so the hare was called sadly he advised that white flour on snow! That should easily be visible although some of trail was laid with yellow flower and lentils!

We set of in the elbow direction with yellow flour on posts it must have looked like a fancy dress search as we all spread out in the boggy grass and then back checked along the road. The odd snowball fight ensued while we left the road only to return a few 100m later.

Eventually the trail led into the forest where it was intermittent marked as it lead off up to view point of the Buck of Cabrack while Tonto was reminiscing of skiing down from this a local appeared on the trail on skis to add credence to his story.

At this view point a WM stop short for Whisky mac and I also recall the first of large sweetie stop, I do recall reading that the Ballater sweet shop was raided the previous week.

By now the sun had made an appearance and it was time to return to trail this lead us down a steep tree lined bank that Little Shit had previously checked out but now the flour was visible down, snow must have melted or what anyway the trail lead through the forest to a second viewpoint and a further sweety stop he must have shares in a dental practice!

Well the hare gave a loop option for a further trail up to a rock that several of the fitter pack took this lead up to another viewpoint, and almost back to same point. We then re-joined the main pack on a long downhill trail to a mountain shelter where a very pleasant beer check was provided.

No complaints on quantity or quality of the beverages and still more sweets!

We all agreed that this was a great area even for a future AGPU and now that the temperature was rising were in good spirits. A short section of trail and we arrived back at the ON IN were after rapidly changing into warmer clothes a circle was held.

Down-downs were awarded to the following:

• Hillary - History Lesson

• High Maintenance- Attempting to take the wrong car

• Tonto/Twizzle - Ski Boasting and inattention to detail

• Hippo/ Mrs T - 36th Wedding anniversary “double murder gets less”

• Toy boy Tom, One Liner, Muff diver – 1764 Non golfer (Well that what I recorded?)

• Barbarella - Easily his best trail and defiantly most record for most sweets

A good number of the pack visited the On Inn

http://www.theforbesarmshotel.co.uk/

who laid on excellent food and we even had quality ale on tap, sadly as I was driving missed that but well worth another visit.

Well it appears likely that that this run will be mentioned in the AGPU for a number of categories it certainly will not be forgotten. Weather great, Great Beer stop Trail, Whisky Mac stop, Sweeties and general good day out.

Barberalla did us more than well for once!

Scribe:Twizzle

O be the perfect scribe one must follow the trail and hence the pack, get to the beer check and attend the circle. One day, perhaps.

So imagine the joy on One Liner's face at being invited in to the circle at the beginning of his 600th AH3 trail, only to get a poxy blue zippy bag.

Also given their awards for 850 runs, Olymprick and Thruppeny Tits. They got BEER, and the wee boy got to be scribe, OHHH DEER.

After fumbling to put on said scribe vest and document opening circle with note pad and pen, and ensure car keys safe and take out camera to do a digi scibey thiny, the entire pack were so far gone, apart from Sharnie who had been to the nearest night safe.

So there's me and Brucie way beHIND, and seeking out the beer. Graveyard....the beers always in the nearest Graveyard we rejoyced. Fraid not.

then we spotted the first ever live trail I’ve seen in over 30 yers. 3 distinct white spots way up the cliff face. No live hare, LIVE TRAIL. We honked the horn and some birds replied matingly, and set off in pursuit.

We quickly clocked that UL and Roger Me More (in my early HHH days the middle M stood for EVERYONE)had had the audacity to plant dolops of stickyflour up the beHINDS (arses) of 3 local DEER. No wonder that the nature warden had called Scottish Police and blamed Little Shit.

So as we approached these moving white DEER's arses (beHINDS) it became clear that they could and did run faster than the slower of us. Being a close team we then set off up the dirt road to within, say, 10 mins of the beer check.

I swear that if we had not beer ushered back by a disconsolate Glasgow and her Hillary, muttering about the flour being not his friend and everyone else's problem, we'd have been first there, as usual.

Went to pub, The Penguin bought a round and Nunskull drove us all home. O

It was cold, wet and raining when we arrived at the Donview car park. The RA had to coax the hash from under the shelter of the Visitor Centre’s porch to form the circle.

Hash beer stupidly placed the prepared Down Downs on the floor, whereupon my dog ,Rolo, knocked them over in order to lick up the contents: as punishment I was nominated as the Scribe. It was Hash Beer’s fault, he should have got the blame.

With no pen, no paper and a geriatric’s memory this pathetic offering is the only evocation of run 1762 you are going to get.

Only one pre-run Down-Down:

Hippo was presented with his Easter Challenge T shirt. (He didn’t do the Easter Challenge but paid for a T shirt so he could pretend he did.)

The Run

The run started with a long uphill section. Now since this run was set by the dynamic duo of Hippo and MrsT we all thought“Oh shit its Hippo!!! He will have us climbing Mither Tap and Oxen Crag and Millstone Hill. Oh fu**, fu**, fu**!!”

But no the run then proceeded gently downhill.

For the most part the run meandered around the lower slopes of Scare Hill and Millstone Hill. The rain very soon stopped and we could enjoy the beautiful scenery and forest paths. However, one could not look up and fully appreciate the scenery because of all the shiggy under foot.

Several hashers, including Sharnie and Barbarella, were seen to slip and land ungraciously in the mud.

In addition to the usual beer stop there was also a sweety stop. By the time the front runners got to the sweety stop the pack was well spread out. Continuing on from the sweety stop there was a choice of three paths, all of which appeared to be “correct” with 3+ spots of flour. But all of them were back checks. By the time it dawned on us what was going on and that we had to back check from the sweety stop the pack was all together again. Very clever haring. Well done hares.

Post run down downs were awarded to:

• Bin Liner. Received 250 run tankard award. (A great surprise thankyou.)

• Fire flaps. Getting the time wrong for meeting up at “Noose & Monkey” for pre theatre drinks. No FF you hadn’t been stood up you don’t read e-mails properly.

• Roger Me More, Struth & Fire flaps. Something to do with wild daffodils during the run.

• Aids. For his cool granddad style dance moves at the Easter challenge disco.

• Underlay. For knowing how to give a girl a good time. I.e. “bag of chips, can of Crabbies and back to his place to see Spring Watch on TV.”

• Fire flaps (again). For her crispy Crabbies. (Crisps in her beer).

• Muff Diver. Him and Drill Bit not understanding cycle route road signs. Repeated sightings of “Callander 7” does not mean you are going round in circles and its still 7 miles from Callander. It’s the name of the National Cycle Route!

• Sergio. For something.

• Golden Shower and The Penguin. Spying for Inter Hash.

• Barbarella. For afore mentioned slip in the mud. (and that was before the run started!)

Finally the on-inn was generously hosted back at Mrs T and Hippo’s place.

A fine sunny Easter Sunday saw a smaller than average pack assemble in Hazlehead Park. Numbers were depleted by some athletes having been lured to Callendar to conquer the Rob Roy Way for the 2016 Easter Challenge, where the weather was less clement and the company a little frosty (apparently).

Your scribe was expecting to see Easter bonnets abound in the circle but was disappointed to find that she and JC were the only ones to have taken note of the occasion. JC wore a fetching straw boater with ribbons and Fifi some fetching grey Easter Bunny ears.

I can’t recall who got the pre-run down-down – after all, I hadn’t been nominated as scribe at that point.

The pack headed off in the direction of the old Council camping ground. Yours truly limped along at the back still nursing a calf strain from the 2016 AH3 Skispedition to Avoriaz (Little Shit’s already organising 2017 and looking for skulls willing to commit £150 each to underwrite the chalet booking – book now or you’ll miss your chance!).

Pissonya cheered up the back markers including Struth and Fifi, with tales of oil industry woes, impending bankruptcies, etc. as we headed anti-clockwise round a familiar circuit bordering the crematorium and the golf course.

Flour was a little hard to spot due to overnight rain but Heh! who needs flour anyway when we know where we’re going?

It was a short trail and it seemed like no time at all before the Walkie Talkies were glimpsed heading in the wrong direction. Bruce Almighty had failed in his role as Leader of the (Back) Pack so it was ages after the front runners made it to the Beer Check before Pig Iron, Stainless, More Butt, Mad Cyclist, Jiffy, Heebie Jeebie and others joined them.

Down Downs were awarded to:

• Tuneless – for mistaking Brewdog for a canine

• Bruce Almighty (in Blue) – for being Sharnie’s favourite

• Janet – for a big green thing (no, I can’t remember what it was either)

• Prickly Bush – for insulting Pink Panther and then digging her hole even deeper

• Bruce Almighty – for failing to lead the Walkie Talkies

• Tuneless – for being a couch sleeper

• Fifi – for sporting elegant Easter Bunny Ears

• Tuneless – for being a chocolate Easter Bunny

• Florian – a Virgin from La France

• The Hares – Cheesy Cock and Pissonya

Thainstone's Revenge

LORD THAINSTONE HOAX EXPOSED

T REX REFUSES TO APOLOGISE

HORRIBLE HISTORIAN GAGGED

HIPPO HITS GUSHER

LITTLE SHIT IN DRUNKEN FRENCH FARCE

HAGGISIMO QUITS EU.

Despite being promised an lordly hobnobbing experience, the hash once more found itself at the brownfield site which now represents the faded glories of Inverurie's industrial past. It is reported that Lord T is dead.

Les Crapauds' ATC chose the wrong weekend so we were privileged to be joined by the survivors of the Skipedition 2016. They included in their number Hippo who now walks funny and sloshes when he moves. How could this be?

Not wishing to have the run properly recorded, the GM chose the most unreliable member of the circle to write a page of garbage. On stage next, Hillary was unable to deliver his unfailingly interesting 'orrible 'istory lecture thanks to loud heckling from the great unwashed lounging near the beer wagon. He did, however, manage to remind us that in 1760 Mr B Franklin, an American Gentleman living in London, flew a kite into an electrical storm thereby heating up a key (This is something hashers should definitely try at home, or somewhere where thunderstorms are common, such as Lesotho or KL or anywhere really.). Thus did he invent the electric heater without discovering electricity (that had been done many times before with fatal results). In the meantime a lighting strike at the Royal Naval Dockyard Plymouth caused a major fire. Bengy could have saved himself the effort.

I can only speak for the walkers' trail...well, actually, I can't, because T Rex decided it would be a jolly jape to put a pointless loop in the walk. In the WALK, T Rex! Good grief. In the mistaken belief that the hare was a rational being, Stainless and myself spent a fruitless hour wandering the grounds of Thainstone House before amusing ourselves watching the traffic on the A96 and throwing bread to the helicopters.

We did see a 1957 Chevy. Apart from that it seems that there was a beer stop and it was found by those who enjoy the patronage of the hare. Och weel.

After two hours, yes two hours, the runners returned from various directions and the circle gathered to the background roar of sensible drivers heading for the fleshpots of Aberdeen.

Downs:

• Bin Liner returned with plunder in the form of a Gazebo, but forgot the poles.

• Hippo, suffering from an auld mannies affliction, was cruelly used and given a down of foaming beer, presumably as the perfect antidote to retention problems. Now that he is plumbed in all will be well and we wish him a speedy return to the saddle. Now now, you know what I mean.

• Little Shit introduced the cocktail bollocks section with some long explanation concerning the French practice of exposing Human Mammary Glands in order to obtain free alcohol. Luckily Hillary was on hand to demonstrate the art of downing a shot hands-free. We don't deserve such talent on the hash. No, really we don't.

• Haggisimo and Leaky were welcomed back to the hash. I think they were welcomed, but it doesn't matter because Haggisimo has promised to go away again.

• Numskull (note korreck shpelling) apparently took a short cut to a sweetie stop. Or maybe he didn't. Cockatool gave the award so it could have been any number of mysterious demeanours. Beer stop yes, but sweetie stop?

• T Rex announced luncheon causing the whole sorry affair to come to a merciful end. I am sure those attending the afternoon feast would wish me to thank La Brigitte for the luvverly grub and for not bursting into tears when the top table found the wine stash.

FINIS

As the Run 1760 scribe only managed to complete 0.5% of the run, it would be useful to add this postscript to the “run” report:

The walkie-talkies run was designed so that the walkers could enjoy he first part and the last parts of the main run.Their route was to follow the trail to the first check, and then to follow Lord Thainstone’s walk around his stately home back to the on-inn. Then the walkers’ route followed the western boundary of the Tait estate (a local nob I didn’t mention!) along the old A96, the one of the main paths followed by our local pack of deer (the main hash in-trail being another. This lead over a burn and used old estate roads, now in various states of decay and stages of returning to nature, to the bridge over the railway, and then to the second sweetie stop under the bridge over the river. They should have then been able to follow the main trail to the third sweetie stop and the beer, hopefully arriving there at the same time as the main pack. However, if you got detected form the walkers’ group with the map that showed all this, you would be in trouble!

The main route ran on through the Thainstone estate, through the (small, but beautifully-formed) secret garden which the whole pack managed to miss. “I thought there was a long break in the flour”, said one FRB. Well FRB, a long and unexpected section where you aren’t on flour, means you aren’t on trail!

From there some of the pack went over Shaw Hill, the site of Bruce’s camp, but others took the long route all around the hill. Then along the River Don to quaint corners in Port Elphinstone, along the Aberdeenshire canal to the sweetie stop under the bridge, then more canal, more woods, more fields, around Crichiebank house to the third sweetie stop by the lake, and home by a trail paralleling the walkers’ out-trail.

You would have noticed the destruction caused to the canal and the adjacent paths by the Kirkwood Homes’ development on the site and grounds of the old Inverurie Paper Mill. Your hare is working to get the damage repaired and to maintain public access to the whole of the remaining sections of the Aberdeenshire Canal. Please give him your support.(The hare’s two run sites in 2015 Tuach Hill in Kintore and John’s Forest around the Tom’s Forest quarry are currently also being vandalised by insensitive development, and will also benefit from your support to fight the developments.)

T. Rex C

Who was born on the 25th January in the year 1759?

Answer - Robert Burns otherwise known Rabbie Burns.

He was and still is Scotland's greatest poet and womaniser!

Did you know that Rabbie Burns has more statues dedicated to him around the world than any other non-religious figure?

So when discussing Run number 1759 with fellow hashers don't forget to mention that it was on this Very Run that Auld Lang Syne was written!

All assembled in Drumtochty Glen carpark on a bitterly chilly yet beautiful day with little wind and bright sunshine.

The circle was formed and Sir Deadmund Hillary gave us all a history lesson from 1758

Apparently Halley's comet was first predicted to arrive in December of that year and did on the 25th of the month. Pig Iron apparently has seen it twice, who would doubt it !

Stainless received her 600 run award, a lovely red hold all.

Aids dazzled all with his new highly florescent running shoes, obviously purchased for the Easter challenge but requiring a little breaking in prior to the event.

The hare ( Golden Shower ) proceeded to advise all of the run, and off we set up the Glen in the glorious sunshine.

As a walkie talkie there was little to scribe until we reached the beer check apart from coming across Olymprick seated in the sun probably devising a shortcut to the beer check.

On arriving at the beer check Bruce Almighty set about the search for beer and failed to come up with the goods, this has to be a first he's losing his touch. Beer was finally found by Its All Because.

While the walkie talkies tucked into the sweeties and beer a lone runner was spotted on the wrong side of the burn off trail and lost. The glare from the new florescent footwear left no doubt it was Aids, who was directed back across the burn to the beer check. On arrival he then cursed the walkers for heading off and leaving him at the beer check alone,( well not entirely, Bruce Almighty was still supping and wondering why he couldn’t find the beer)

On arrival back at the car park a mobile phone was found on the ground belonging to Its All Because who had already set off for home, probably because Killers little legs had had enough for one day.

Sandwiches, hot-cross buns and rock cakes were provided by Golden Shower and donations gratefully receive for charity. Rumour has it he's entering Bake off next season.

Circle was formed and down downs issued,

• Bruce Almighty for forgetting Mothers Day,

• Struth for attention seeking, setting her car alarm to go off every ten minutes.( little point really as she wasn't there if some tall dark available bachelor had offered his assistance )

• Glasgow and High Maintenance for being foolish enough to believe Numbskull knew where he was going and following.

• Underlay, Red Stripe, Ballerina, Inspector Gorse and Cockatool for attending the beer festival and keeping their entry bracelets on to try and relive the moment.

• Drillbit for losing a glove and eagerly sucking beer like milk from a teat once glove was returned full of beer.

• Aids thought he had successfully fooled the circle by changing out of his new bright footwear and craftily changing into an old dull pair of trainers. Once commented upon Cinders did the honourable thing ( with a smile on her face ) and brought one of the new trainers to the circle for Aids to drink from.

All in all a very good run in the sun.

This run was small but perfectly formed- just like the hare. I just wish he would take us to some nice areas of the city and not these awful depressing places where unemployment is running at 60%. Still, given the beige hue it was all right.

We had one new runner- Ant who wants to get fit before he runs with the HASH- he’s got a lot to learn about ‘running’ Anyway he joined the walkie talkie after admitting that he worked for Aberdeenshire Council where his job is to – yes encourage walking.

• Drillbit did a tumble right in front of the Paparazzi (Little Shit) followed by Eveready who manged to fall with her legs open- just living up to her name. She later used the excuse of Leap Year to propose to Bruce- but we are not sure exactly what she was proposing.

• Pig Iron was thanked for contacting the Forestry Commission and informing them that their ‘Pay and Display’ machine was broken.

• One Liner admitted that his handicap is Skinny Witch- I think they were talking about golf- but not sure

• Barbarella has championed a new hair style forget the afro-that’s so eighties- this is a ‘Pay Day Hair Cut’ you never forget as its always the same day of the month

Here is your horrible history lesson from Hillary:-

In 1757 John Smeaton became the UK's first civil engineer.

What did civil engineering ever do for us???

Civil engineers gave us canals, railways and a tunnel to the EU.

They will build a wall separating the US from Mexico.

They are building really horrible western peripheral route.

So when discussing run number 1757 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention that it was on this very run when the WPR was born!

Scribe: Glasgow

For many of us hashers who still have a life (ie less than 1000runs) this was the first time we had run from this superb location.

I can’t understand why its not been more popular over the years. Hence myself and Sauerkraut can be forgiven for getting lost and nearly colliding into each other whilst both doing a U turn to find theon-on.

We were commiserating with each other at the pre-run circle, and blissfully oblivious to the RA’s drivel, when the RA suddenly thrust the Scribe Ceremonial garb at Sauerkraut who promptly abdicated with some pathetic excuse and thrust it to me.

Pre-run down downs were:

Eveready. She was thrilled to receive her 50 run T shirt award.

Mrs T. a Hashy Birthday Nobody dared ask which b’day this was!!

Hippo. Completed his 999th run last week. Hence it was clearly obligatory that he should be made to represent all the 999 call Emergency services by wearing throughout the hash a frilly nurses uniform skirt a tight fitting special constable’s vest and a fireman’s helmet.

The hare then spelt out the floral rules, 4 spots (not 2, not 3) and “you're on”. And we were off. But not very far!! The pedestrian exit from the car park was an archaic cage like revolving door. The operation of which was too confusing for hashers. How do you align the exit from the revolving bit with the exit in the static bit? Does it hold 2 or 22 people at a time? (The pack demonstrated the answer was yes to both).

Eventually the bottle neck was clear and a very pleasant run was had through woods and fields with scenic views over the river Don. There were plenty of back checks and false trails, with the cunning false trails being more than usually well laid.

Hippo as usual was with the front runners and it was particularly helpful that he could be seen wearing his high profile Emergency Services outfits.

The beer stop was had at the historic Aquhorthies Stone Circle.

Post run down downs to:

• Thruppeny Bits and Pink Panther. For particularly “blond moments” while trapped in the afore mentioned revolving cage.

• Twizzle. For approaching the first check point from the wrong direction and refusing to admit he was being an SCB.

• Mad Cyclist and Twizzle. Ears to them for wearing outrageous ear warming head gear.

• Pink Panther. For demonstrating that (some) women can't reverse properly in a car park.

• Sauerkraut. Will be sadly missed (especially for his scribing efforts) as he departs back to Bangkok for a posting to Siberia. We wish him good luck and hope to see him back some times.

• Muff Diver. For his powder -“puffy”, pale blue, sartorial sweat shirt. Calling it corn-flower blue didn’t make it any less camp.

• Drill Bit. He goes into Banchory bike shop because he just needs a valve for a tyre.Then like a child in a sweety shop spends over £250 .Oo- those lights look goodcor, I fancy those panniers a spare chain will come in handy etc

• Struth and no-handle Charlotte. For disrespectful yappy girl-talk in the circle. ((Side note: any one got any dirt on Charlotte to help find a suitable handle for her))

• Shite Boyfriend. Accused of having no class after serving Monkey Shoulder malt whiskey with “Cheese and Port”. This was at the chez Shite Boyfriend & Thruppenny Bits on-inn from MH4.(( I know what you’re thinking reader. I agree, what’s wrong with that!! And the curry was out of this world!!))

• Hippo. 1000th RUN AWARD. He has now inherited the AH3 1000th run Zimmer frame.

• Barbarella. A “late boy” down-down. He didn’t arrive at the on-on until we were all long gone.

• Finally we were all invited back to chez Fifi and JC for the on-inn. A big thankyou to them both for their usual excellent and generous fare!!!

Scribe: Binliner

Fuck it.

Fuck the world.

Who cares what I have to say.

Cockatool

Aberdeen Hash House Harriers Chronicles- Episode 1754

Episode Title – The great blow job!

Director and Leading actress – Eveready

Writer and Leading actor- Tuneless

Producers – Golden shower, Aids and Twizzle

Executive producer- Muff Diver

SCENE 1- TAKE 1- The gathering

So it began that the usual suspects with nothing better to do on a windy and rainy Sunday morning gathered at Portlethen Berrymuir Road Car Park, to partake their weekly ritual of seeking the righteous path of running/walking by following flour, to lead them to a well-deserved reward of beer!

Complimentary greetings and hugs were exchanged with hugs seemingly tighter on this day as hashers clamoured for all degree of body warmth to aid with the wrenching drop in temperature caused by ‘Hurricane Karen’ bellowing above these unfortunate souls. Some questioned their sanity as to why they would leave the comfort of their homes and beds to gallivant about looking for signs leading to promise of cold beer in the end, but in the true spirit of hashing these thoughts were thrown aside and all were ready to carry ON ON!!

GM Golden shower then beckoned for the circle to be formed as is tradition, to commence proceedings. RA Aids, then took the helm to welcome us all and make necessary announcements. Returned from much warmer pastures was great hash historian, Hillary who provided us with some HHH (Horrible Hash History) lessons for 1754 that went thus :-

In the year 1754 Horace Walpole coined the word Serendipity which means a "pleasant surprise”. Examples of serendipity include penicillin and the microwave oven. When the pharmaceutical company Pfizer trialled a new drug for hypertension they found it had a very interesting side effect! They named the drug Viagra, made a trillion dollars and the rest is history! So when discussing Run 1754 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention that it was on this very Run that the word Serendipity was coined and Viagra was subsequently invented! Hillary then made a motion to theme this run “the Serendipity Run”. The outcome of the motion is still yet unknown….

GM Golden shower, in his customary role then took over proceedings. A virgin was in our midst! This harriette with the civilian name of Emma, who was a local and resided in Aberdeen. She was welcomed appropriately. The GM then inquired if there was any hasher needing a beer before the run and as a result of his never ending thirst for this drink of the gods, last week’s scribe beckoned that he would indeed welcome wetting his beak before the run. Unknown to this hasher, this was an attempt to aptly reassign him the task of blowing his horn for yet another week as it must have been considered that he did a great job of it last week. He accepted this graciously and made a mental note to remember that “there is no such thing as free beer” on the hash.

The hare Eveready, who had obviously gone through great lengths to provide this foul setting to ensure that the task of getting to the promised land of ‘beerdom’ would not be an easy one was called to give directions and lead us on our not so merry way. With hurricane Karen bellowing above and around us, she pointed to the direction the runners were to proceed to and asked the walkers to wait behind mentioning that a number of false trails existed. The stage was set and ON ON we went!

SCENE 2 TAKE 2- The run

The initial stage of the run consisted of dry land and tarred roads within the areas of the car park. A bridge crossing later and we arrived at what can only be described as ‘an adult playground with a bestiality theme’ to it. There we found a statue model representation of a dog in beckoning penetrative pose and a log humping frog. In the spirit of hashing all could not help but appreciate this edifice. This must have excited Barbarella a great deal as he couldn’t seem to keep his pants on at this time and this continued for the rest of the run. Hash flash, little shit was on hand to ensure that regardless of the elements, he would capture these memories that would be remembered and appreciated for a long time.

The villain of a hare had then proceeded to make the next phase not a dry one on the feet (as if the downpour from above was not enough) and we were lead through loads of shiggy and mud. As informed earlier, they were loads of false checks, as the fit and able bodied front running bastards were soon to find out numerous times.

As is the case during shared times of trial and tribulations, alliances are formed thereby leading to the formation of a group that was to be known as the “CHECK BACK CREW”. These admirable heroes of the run commendably went out of their way to combat these torrential elements and high winds to ensure that they found every false trail to make sure that the rest of the pack did not make the same mistake. You will be glad to know that they all made it back to base with no hasher left behind. The hare even made it a point to lead to pack towards the sight of the angry sea. There was also a point reached during the trail where there was a ‘long’ and ‘short’ option. For some reason the long option was preferred by many a harriette as mentioned by Struth. The reason behind this is yet to be ascertained)

As these runners battled these elements, the group of walkers on their walk seemed to take a slight detour to the residence of one of their own for a less wet and windy haven. It can only be assumed that at the time they had some degree of foresight that the journey ahead was going to be quite an arduous one and sensibly resisted the urge to prove themselves hurricane ready. While at this residence, it is rumoured that they partook in a ritual of sipping tea and whiskey to keep warm for the beer stop and circle that was to cum. Both walkers and runners did eventually meet at the beer stop as the hare ably kept the group together. Returning harriette Charlotte, could not help exploring the inner child in her and proceeded to go down the kiddies slide as we approached the end of the run. The joy of this feat was evident as was hash flashly captured by Muff Diver.

SCENE 3 TAKE 3- The circle

With a pat on their backs for overcoming such ghastly elements, the hashers gathered to accept their well-deserved post run thirst quenchers. Gluhwein was shared to keep spirits warm and fight off probable hypothermia. The burden of this feat was too much for some hashers to bear anymore and they were on their merry way home even before the circle. GM Golden shower then called for the circle to form.

RA Aids, proceeded again ably carrying out the role of handing out down-downs for rewards and charges. He was assisted by RA Twizzle. They went as follows

• Emma- customary virgin down down

• Hillary- for losing his best friend on the run (the flour) but serendipitously, Shit Boyfriend was driving by and give him a lift back to the circle.

• Underlay- For not going the chosen path of the harriettes when the Long and Medium markers were found during the trail.

• Gay Gordon- For making the smart decision to not partake in the run at all but walk the dog

• Tuneless- For finally ending his never ending quest for knowledge

• Muff Diver- For spending an additional year on the planet

• Thrupenny bits and Little shit- For some reason the named harriette seemed unable to uncross her legs and the named hasher thought it was a good day to show off his legs. These lower limbed cohorts were given a just down down.

GM Golden shower then took charge of the circle and called upon the hare. She was given a just down down for creating the perfect setting of one “HELL” of a hash that will not be soon forgotten. She then proceeded to mention that she had made a booking for 12 ‘more or less’ at the Brewers Fayre, and ON ON we went

THE END!

DISCLAIMER NOTICE

No brain cells or hashers were harmed during the process of writing this script or following flour )

And so we gathered at "NorthWest of Stonehaven in the middle of nowhere" to partake in this weekly event of working up a thirst and quenching it with beverages graciously given to us by the gods. There was a chill in the air and frost on the ground as well as the trees, but as is known to all, "WE WILL NEVER BE DETERRED!! ON ON!!!" .

As cars parked and the usual suspects gathered, some had no choice but to park a slight distance from where the congregation was set to commence this arduous feat, then skate their way to begin what could arguably be the front runner for ‘run of the year' (for reasons best known to the scribe).

Unfortunately, the absence of Hillary was felt as there was no one to grace us with knowledge of history related to the run number. But not all hope is lost!!! The one that was bestowed the great honour of being the scribe of this monumental run, has taken it upon himself to do some research and provide you with some facts to ensure continuity. It is rumoured that lately he has had some practice regarding literate research, so here goes (No need to thank me). [We aren't - Muff Diver]

The British Museum was founded in 1753, the first national public museum in the world

This was the year Phillis Wheatley was born who is the first African-American woman to have her book published ‘Poems on Various Subjects, Religious and Moral'. Her link to British history is "The book was published in London with the help of the Countess of Huntingdon".

This was the year traveller Sir Hanes Sloane died. After his death, Sloane's will allowed Parliament to buy his extensive collection of more than 71,000 items for £20,000 - significantly less than its estimated value

As GM 'Golden shower' beckoned to all to form a circle and gather to commence this "run of ages", it was rumoured that a certain hasher with overwhelming charisma was supposed to have been one of the hares the day before but unfortunately was unable to do so as a result of what can only be described "post study syndrome". [You were pissed - Muff Diver]. As a result of his charm, he was not given a public lashing but instead given the title of 'Technical hare'. Not only that, he was also bestowed with the gracious honour of being the scribe of this run. He accepted in all grace.

We also had a virgin in our midst! A yet to be named Harriette with the earthly name of ‘Charlotte’, who had graced us with her presence all the way from Ellon as well as visitors from Edinburgh by the names of Oral Sex and.......(Help me out here Muff Diver). They were all welcomed. [They were Karen and Suzy, why weren't you paying attention! - Muff Diver].

The hares were then called upon to relay instructions and directions. Even though there were challenges faced as a result of a blizzard the previous day, the hares had what you could only describe as 'a keen sense of planning' and had set the run using a combination of pink flour, green and blue chalk. We were indeed glad to hear that it wasn’t a very complicated run and in the event of a check all that needed to be found was 1 spot and we were ON! As is customary, the walkers were advised to wait behind as the FRB's were pointed in the right direction to start from and off they went!

Darting through the bushes we went and not too long at the first hurdle crossing, Harriette "prickly bush" decided she needed a bit of a power nap before tackling the first hurdle and down she went for a kip. As another harriette deemed she had been asleep for long enough, she graciously helped her up to continue with the great run. Both made the crossing in one piece.

The initial bit provided a bit of a test for the bunch with an abundance of a combination of mud and snow but as is known to all "WE ARE GALANT HASHERS THROUGH AND THROUGH" and "NOTHING" can keep us from the ultimate goal of fitness.. OOPPS I mean BEER :D. As we tackled the challenges of nature "Struth" was kind enough to converse with our virgin and educating her in our ways in hopes that at this time we had not managed to shock her and she would return to subsequent runs. A few arrows and spots were missed by hashers running with their feet and not their eyes but the hares were always on hand to bring the fold back together and lead us on our merry way. The scribe was also attending to his duties by 'tooting his own horn' to alert every one of the direction taken.

During the trail we arrived at what can only be described as a forensic crime scene, with outlines of bodies that had probably been as a result of a serial killer carrying out some gruesome act previous to our arrival. We ensured to make our way around this, as we received word that the investigation was not yet complete so did not want to contaminate the crime scene. A stream was reached at some point and while this was heaven for those hashers with duck like tendencies that waded through, a few with non-marine inclinations crossed on logs set up. It was at this time, there was an attempt to dislodge his gracious scribe from said log by two hares who shall remain nameless (Nuggets and Fireflies) but this 'amazon like being' stood his log and made the crossing with not a drop on him.

We were then rewarded with a beer stop and sweeties not long after this tedious stream crossing that was welcomed by all as we deserved this after working up quite a thirst and hunger. We then carried on back to where it all started. Along the way, hash stud Nuggets proceeded to lay his charm on the virgin in our amidst and as was definitely expected, she couldn't resist.

Back at the start, Tonto kindly gave out much needed warm cups of Gluhwein hashers drank and munched on crisps as well as salty nuts. Some hashers even attempted to show their best ice skating impressions with not just their feet but their cars as well. The presence of Numbskull driving down towards us was enough to send some members of the crowd dashing for cover while not too long after Little shit was seen attempting to move the rear end of a vehicle with his rear end. He was prompted to desist from the act accordingly by Sharnie as she was quite worried he might bruise his derriere!

The GM called for the circle and accordingly, charges and down downs were given.

DOWN DOWNS

- Virgin- Charlotte.

Visitors- Oral sex and...(Refer to Muff Diver),[ I told you already, Suzy and Karen! Pay attention! - Muff Diver].

Technical Hare- Tuneless

CHARGES- Barbarella - For having a hard-on on trail. Gay Gordon, Muff Diver and Drill bit - Perversion of bums in lycra.

We had a duo of lost but found items. Red stripe was kind enough to bring a bag with items recovered after Fireflaps belated birthday party of which the scribe took a keen liking to a Rudolf hat and promptly crowned himself with it. Items were also returned to Gay Gordon. But the best lost but found item was yet to emerge! Numbskull had been kind enough to store for ‘2 years’ a walking frame owned by a Harriette, reason been she moved on to a different mode of transport. He was promptly rewarded for this.

The hares were called to the circle and thanked for an amazing run and given their well-deserved down downs. They then informed us that the ON INN was the well favoured 'Station Hotel' and off we went.

TUNELESS

Flour shortage hits muddy Kirkton

In some parts of the hashing world, the hares sit back after they’ve laid the trail, and drink a few beers while the pack struggles around the trail under their own devices. This isn’t practical where goats are likely to eat your paper trail, or in Aberdeenshire where overnight rain is likely to make flour blobs transparent or where trails need to cross open rough countryside exposed to Caledonian weather. So we have become accustomed to standing around at checks and having a friendly hare point us in the right direction, rather than relying on communication and endeavour (Isn’t that a detec?ve series? Ed)

This shouldn’t be an excuse for not setting tails correctly however. So I thought it would be useful to remind everyone of some basic requirements:

Checks are an opportunity to confuse the pack and keep them guessing about where the next

trail goes.

Trails between checks should be a series of spots to ensure the pack to get to the next check via an interesting and unambiguous route – it should be regarded as an opportunity to confuse the pack and keep them guessing about where the trail goes.

Spots of flour on the trail should be spaced regularly, usually with the next spot being visible from the location of the previous spot, so that harriers will know quickly (by the absence of flour) if they are off trail.

Hares should ensure that there are adequate spots and arrows visible where the trail changes direction where overnight run has made flour blobs barely visible (see above), he should add fresh flour for the benefit of harriers lagging behind.

It is a good idea to put arrows or spots of flour on a short-cut trail, especially when there are possible route changes on the short-cut.

Anyway, back to last Sunday’s run. The out-trail left the car park by a previously unused route, continued along tarmac and progressed into a muddy field. This became the setting for mud larks involving the usual suspects. (And I’m not referring to the famous 1950s singing combo of the same name, by the way.)

We then continued down a relatively un-muddy cart track, where I discovered I had dropped the new

Pathetically puny hash horn, and had to retrace my steps to find it. As a result I became 10 min behind the rest of the pack, and reliant on the following flour to keep on trail. If the flour is your friend I was now feeling bereft of friendship and human contact. I did meet up with some other lost sheep, but they weren’t a ha’porth of use.

There was a helpful sign at the next check, offering a short cut in the general direction of Kirkton-on-

Skene, as an alternative to a long trail. Manna from heaven – my chance to catch up. However, after running past a barking dog, a shed full of bullocks, and onto more tarmac on the other side of the farmyard, I still hadn’t seen any flour.

Did the short cut go through the field with the open gate at the other side of the far? No flour in the field. So back onto the long trail, and back onto tarmac, with occasional flour spots at random and infrequent intervals.

Eventually I found myself in some interesting woods with intriguing possibility for trail direction.

Unfortunately I was off trail. Backtracking a long way along the track I found some barely-visible washed-out flour spots on a wooden gate indicating a change of direction. The trail went through some interesting turns through pleasant countryside before coming out at the end of the road from the farmyard I had been on 20 min ago!

I didn’t have the chance to catch up with hash gossip, being abandoned and alone at the rear of the pack (sob, sob), but Cinders did tell me about her two new hobbies. She is taking part in a local community arts scheme where she makes full-body casts of esteemed Ferryhill residents, and gets to keep some of the casts. She’s also been attending special antique auctions. Last week she went down to Edinburgh and was successful at an auction of relics belonging to Scottish royal surgeons. So, not only does she now have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but she also has the heart and stomach of a king.

The in-trail back to Kirkton was mainly on tarmac, but went through a rough grassy area with a hidden stream. The trail led across a strategically-placed wooden plank, but, apparently, hashers who should know better: Little Shit Toyboy Tom and Gay Gordon, had a sneaky hasher-dunking competition.

The hare had set the beer check after the return to the on-in, and the circle was held at Ballerina’s superior-style chalet in the posh part of Kirkton, a long trek from the car park on-in. Fortunately, there were fresh flour spots to these locations.

So, only a bag or so of flour short of a really interesting run.

Down-downs to:

• Drillbit for introducing the pack to canoeing on ice – a reality show not coming to a TV near you.

• JC for walking on crops – he should stick to water.

• Little Shit and Drillbit for skiing (not on water)

• Eveready for not remembering something or other at Fireflaps’ belated birthday, which also involved Threepennies’, Hippo, High Maintenance, Red Stripe and Fireflaps for being memorable: missing buses, being under the table, swapping blindfolds and whips – as you do.

• Janice, a new harriette.

• Your esteemed scribe for losing the horn along the way – fortunately restored by Red Stripe (with help from Gay Gordon).

In good AH3 tradition, Ballerina served haggis, neeps and tatties to the hungry hoard with a collection for a good cause. However, for the sake of my marriage I had to make an excuse and leave pronto to have H, N & T at T.Rex Cottage.

Pip! Pip!

T.Rex Cock.

P.S. Sir Deadmond wanted me to tell you all about the calendar change in 1752, and the loss of 17 days, but I ran out of paper. Next time, Sir D!

As we are still waiting for the scribe to send his report for LAST weeks run – here is the horrible history lesson for that run anyway.

In the year of our Lord 1751 there was no January or February. Why?

The British Government, in their wisdom, decided there wouldn't be.

As a consequence 1751 had only 282 days.

So when discussing run number 1751 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention that this very run was the shortest run ever as it didn't have a January or a February.

OnOn

SDH & G

It was a cold, dry, icy, wet, rainy, sunny morning when we eventually managed to find a road that led to Nigg Way, that wasn't under water and circled up for Hillary's, what is fast becoming regular, horrible History Lesson, which he describes in his own words below:

"It was on Run Number 1750 was when James Watt invented the steam engine.

James Watt was a Scottish scientist and engineer who lived very near here.

James Watt’s steam engine kick started the industrial revolution.

He used science to drag us out of the Middle Ages and gave us all our luxuries.

So when discussing Run Number 1750 with fellow hashers don’t forget to mention that it was this very run that started the industrial revolution!"

Use of proper grammar not being one of said luxuries in this case, Hillary failed to ascertain what these 'luxuries' were that he referred to, leaving one to only conclude that some of them may be the same ones that we regularly partake of in the circle and are now being blamed for causing heart disease, strokes, etc etc .Happy New Year!

Following this most interesting lesson, Toy Boy Tom was regaled for his recent appearance in a pensioners magazine on winning a competition.It remains unclear as to what the competition was for or what was his prize but what is clear that he was very proud to be photographed and dressed very smartly for the occasion, sporting last year's Easter Challenge t-shirt. Free HHH advertising should never be missed and for his efforts he was awarded the prize of a Down down.

Next, AIDS thanked us all for turning up in such tempestuous weather and for finding the new run site, whilst commiserating with those missing persons who may have gone to the original run site, which was now believed to be still under water. Two new runners were welcomed: Olga and Martin.

Finally the hashers were off and fervently searching for flour, which by all accounts was thin on the ground some believed this was due to heavy rain from the previous evening, whilst some could be heard to decry Tom as being a live hare and setting the trail as he went. The truth could be somewhere in between.

What seemed quite a short way later, an S for sweetie shop could clearly be seen and there we stood in Loirston Country Park, on a now clear but cold day overlooking colourful Kincorth, with its smoking chimneys, grey granite buildings and swampland of the Gramps. We eagerly devoured our supplies of choc bars, with one tiny hasher, Alexandra, very keen to share her provisions, handing out half eaten or nibbled chocolate bars.

Meantime, AIDS, keen to keep our countryside clean, decided instead to take on the roll of litter-picker at this time and took it upon himself to remove residue left by previous visitors. He could clearly be seen to fastidiously remove items such as broken glass, sweetie wrappers, used condoms, cigarette stubs and the like.

Sweeties consumed, it was time for Little Shit to take out his little tool, yes, his well-used camera, at which, Cockatool and Oneliner hoping to improve the composition of the group photograph, decided to add a floral flourish: Cockatool, with a commemorative floral bouquet left in remembrance of a departed loved one and Oneliner with a sprig of dying leaves. Their mastery at photography was to be admired.

Time to leave and Tom Boy rounded up his flock, clutching his bag of flour, cleverly disguised as a bag of spinach, hoping no one would mistake him for Popeye.

Off again and on and on they ran over fields and fences. Nothing could stand in their way, not even trails that were deluged with water. Front runners faced the treacherous currents full on, by tippy toeing around the edges, whilst the glorious Cockatool, as always, stupid in the face of adversity, took the steps of the noted Doctor Foster and went in right up to his middle, at full speed, thus soaking everyone else around him. By a spot of luck,this did not include the knight in rusty armour Sir Galahad Underlay who could be seen piggy backing his lovely new maiden hasher Olga over a wet patch, as she was anxious that her dainty trainers might not get wet and seeing as it was due to him that she had come that morning, he was obviously keen to keep her happy.

Surrounded by soaking sods, an abundance of sheep became fed up eating the wet grass and decided to follow some hashers, in particular the colourfully swathed scribe, Eveready. Each time she honked her horn to get rid of them however, the sheep, led by a very aggressive ram, ran towards her and as she ran faster, so did they. (It later transpired this may have been due to an earlier transgression in which Little Shit was seen to cause a sheep to fall down onto its back with its legs akimbo for no apparent reason other than making eye contact with it.)Panicked, Eveready yelled for Golden Shower, the esteemed GM to help, at which he gallantly ran off, successfully breaking his own PB for running a mile, in the pursuit of safety. Well done Golden Shower!

Arriving at the beer stop, a challenge was laid down to Underlay and Olga to a piggy back race against Cockatool and Eveready. The race was on and before long Cockatool was declared the Italian Stallion, ridden expertly by Eveready and winners of the piggy back race by a head. On being challenged by Olga as to the credibility of the win, he then went on to prove his tenacity by piggy-backing Ballerina at which his legs may forever remain bowed.

Back at the circle and Downs downs were presented to:

• Ballerina for arguing incorrectly about films starring Clint Eastwood he was joined by Tonto for reasons unknown.

• Cockatool, Eveready, Underlay, Olga and Ballerina for piggy back rides and races.

• Underlay and Olga for being pussying around with piggy backs through puddles.

• Golden Shower for excavating his beloved Hazlehead Park Run trail with his bucket and spade in the hope that he could prevent the floods.

• Underlay and Eveready for having new shoes.

• Olga and Martin for being new runners.

• Little Shit and Eveready for being a shepherd and shepherdess, even though LS didn't appear to know there are different sexes such as, ewes and rams, believing there are just sheep.

• Olga for not being able to choose between whisky, whisky or whisky at the beer stop even though they were all the same whisky.

• Numbskull was given a down down out of an umbrella for leaving it in Ballerina's car.

• Muff Diver for 200 runs.

• Tom Boy Tom for haring a great run and standing in at the last minute. Well done Tom!

Without the leadership of the GM, Golden Shower the pack forgot to nominate a scribe for Run 1749.

Location Stonehaven Market Carpark. Hare – Olymprick.OnInn – Hook and Eye bar.

1749 was an auspicious run.

No battle enactments today – Just pure science.It's about navigation before GPS.It's about navigation before flour!